Right and wrong is a social contract that means you must betray and out those that break your preferred contracts.

Is being able to lie or deceive a positive quality? One that can bring more benefits than we like to believe? Sure that it can also be dangerous and make you lose quality people if that is your character all the time. But wouldn’t it be positive at certain times?

Children must be taught that social norms and parental expectations are the equal to right and wrong.

Some people eventually begin to question rules.

It’s emotionally and psychologically difficult to question certain rules. We have the term “cognitive dissonance” to put a pin in the mental map of the shit that goes down when our brains overload from frying our circuits. Our neurons are wired up, naturally, to know and understand rules.

Right and wrong are basic rules we were reminded of, constantly, since before we could form long term memories.

Yet from other perspectives it’s quickly clear that right and wrong are strategies to power. Evolutionary psychology would predict and accurately record that monkeys and dogs will steal dinner scraps only if no one in power is looking. We lie when we expect to get away with it.

From this I will jump ahead.

There is no empirical right and wrong. There are social mores. It’s fine to kill and intern Japs if it’s WW2 and your society is wartime US. It’s totally wrong, even as a US citizen, from a different social time.

And we must take this one step further.

Right and wrong completely relies on outing people who betray social mores.

Right and wrong can not work without law, betraying confidence, and outing people who betray contracts.

There is no right and wrong. It’s a SOCIAL contract.

Only society can create and enforce it. And it only works through outing people.

(This post was written as fast as I could type it with no edits, after drinking half a big bottle of vodka. That’s an admission of weakness, not a boast.)

Further thoughts:

There is no society. We clique and shift alliances.

Listen behind the vocals and melody and hear the producer

Whoever produced this song was heavily influenced by Phil Spector.

I’m very impressed by the contrasting moods and the integration of the moods into the wall.  There is a the healing soothing motherly comforting lulaby womans voice.  The angry yet soulful, nearly tearful yet firm and hard male voice. Can he do that inspired performance on command?!  The strings mix with male voices into a blend you have to strain your ear at to pick apart.  I’m reminded of the Sopranos by the story that comes from the strings; a moody mixture of resignation to loss and pain  and an embrace of the fighters spirit to win anyway.

Notice how the wall of sound cuts back to simplicity at times.  Notice how the wall introduces itself and you don’t even notice the wall hitting you.  This is genius level producing.

This song is the product of not just an amazing talent of a vocalist.  Not just every word perfect song writing.  There was a Phil Spector level talent of producing behind this.

I didn’t google it yet.

External validation is good!

Esteem comes from others. No matter how highly one thinks one deserves it, that doesn’t change how much others think you deserve it.

My unique insight into psychology (point me to sources if I’m wrong) is that social-esteem and self-esteem are intimately bound. It’s been discussed before how there is a social esteem economy. I think I’m the first person to claim that this economy is inextricably bound up with our own self-esteem. My claim is that self esteem is nothing but our own evaluation of our position of social esteem.

There are many sources and types of esteem. Different crowds have different esteem values. Whores and thieves, vs high society parents, for instance.

If you want to be esteemed by someone, be esteemed in the way that particular someone will give esteem. I get the frustration of having different values. Maybe we can teach values, and maybe we can “hold frame” to use the sheer force of personality to impose values.

Or we can just look elsewhere and find like minded people who don’t need a Pygmalian project to be educated to have like enough minds to recognize our value.

No matter what, it’s not only about what you are, it’s about how you are perceived. We have frustratingly little control over what others value.

Esteem is social and contextual, and therefore so is self-esteem. You might get esteem from video player geeks. But show up at a billionairs cocktail party and you would no longer feel so proud of your gaming ability.

Esteem is measured out to place us on social hierarchies, of which there are an infinite many.

Self esteem is an active and changing self evaluation that also happens within context. I say that there is no reason to fight it, but instead we can work with that evolved system. We don’t need the defenses of the narcissist in order to hold our own in situations where we are outclassed.

We don’t need to get angry and irritable at others for being too blind to see our value. (Peter-Parker-underwear-hero-syndrome)

We can instead work on the externals, for situations that affect our life in ways that we want. Play the game. Craft our self, such that we appear more estimable, to whom and when that helps us.

Doing so is not merely Machiavelian, it is the essence of growing genuine and deserved personal pride.

Be seen as excellent (in as many varied ways as benefit you) in order to FEEL excellent, in as many varied contexts as possible.

This is very different than be excellent to feel excellent. Without others seeing you as excellent is just doesn’t work.

Esteem, pride, self esteem, self evaluation – all of this is social. Interpersonal. It is not masturbation. It doesn’t count or mean anything without external validation.

External validation is good!

One implication of all this is that it’s a big help to others to give compliments.  It will make them feel better, and this will make you more valuable to them.

Self esteem is a mental map of how we are viewed by others

If you would like to increase your confidence, you have two options:

1) Change your thinking, independent of the environmental feedback

2) Change the environmental feedback in order to change your thinking.

Number 1 is closely associated with narcissism.  Narcissisists are not able to maintain long term relationships, because other people eventrually re-evaluate their esteem of the person.  They see through the lies and bluster, then move on.

There is nothing shameful about persuing validation.  Validation is good.  Being respected is good.  Being wanted is good.  Blow jobs are good.

Ego is our self assessment of what we think OTHER people are thinking about us.  It is how confident we are to stand out and have an opposing opinion, because we realize we can afford the temporary loss to communal esteem.  We all need a strong, capable, cohesive, accurate and constantly adjusting ego.

And to complicate things ego is also an evaluation of how wrong other people are about us.  It’s not one or the other.  Others can be wrong and we are not just basing our  self-(evaluation)-esteem on fickle feedback from the plebes.  Still, esteem is fundamentally about others; If we are incredible and nobody knows it, then we must learn how to be incredible in others eyes, not learn how to be incredible in our own.  The whole purpose of esteem is a social purpose. 

The esteem system was evolved and is therefore hard wired as instinctual neuronal brain pathways.  The purpose of it is to jostle for social position, and to receive pleasurable feedback for climbing the social ladder.

There are hacks and short cuts to higher self esteem, but there is no escaping that esteem is fundamentally about how OTHERS perceive us, and long term esteem is a long term social negotiation.  Pump and dump bluster among gangs of thieves and whores who swipe left or right on Tinder requires completely different esteem systems than does long term high value community interaction along with a devoted mate.

You can’t fake it until you make it in a nightclub, to any degree of skill, in order to gain the type of esteem required to maintain an LTR with a girl you want an LTR with.

To complicate things further, esteem is a zero sum game, as our positions on the ladder determine the fitness and resources of our mates.  Therefore we fight esteem wars, and try to put each other down.  So there is a sea of esteem disinformation that we swim in; signal to noise ratio is not good.

We all go up and down in social status – it’s not merely because other people are fickle.  Sometimes it’s because we go up and down in finances, appearance, social status, mental acuity, and whatever else humans value.

It’s a very high level cognitive process to make sense of it all.  If national newspapers publish fake attack articles against you, will your self esteem drop?  If you lose your job and get burns on your face and all your girlfriends leave you will your self esteem drop?

Self esteem should rise and fall.  Don’t try to maintain it artificially.  Once again; the definition of self esteem is a mental map of how OTHERS perceive you, and your strategy to jostle your position.  Self esteem is NOT a form of feel good masturbation.  It’s as social as sex.

Make your esteem an accurate mental map, and be ambitious and greedy for more.  Esteem is good, and if you deserve it, then good for you!

Whether you are deeply emotionally and neurotically invested, or if you take it as a funny impersonal game to play, it’s still the same game.  Your relationship to the esteem game won’t change the fundamental nature of the esteem game.

I’ve always advocated to have an ACCURATE self esteem mental map.  Even though none of our maps could ever be accurate.

Once again: if you are not working to improve your social position, you are passively accepting a social decrease.  Never blame the bitches for being hypergamous.  Blame your lazy ass for not getting the esteem job done.  It’s a job as serious as any other, and ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.

If you appreciate this post, please share it all over the place.  It’s common for me to get over-excited about a post, but I think this is my standout most valuable post ever, and that it has deep repercussions into many popular memes and community ideals.  It’s nearly original insight; you may have read the same things elsewhere, but this is the first time that the ideas are clear enough to ring the bells of recognition.  “Oh ya!  I knew that, but just didn’t have words yet for that knowledge!”

Vague words make for a vague mind

Random said:

It has to be said, you’re a bit of a weird guy. That comes through loud and clear in your writing and I think some folks – male and female – would choose to sever contact with you for that reason. You advocate making your own decisions, acting congruently with those decisions, and living with the consequences; I think maybe you should accept that other people will do the same with respect to you.

A very intriguing yet uselessly vague reply.

Like calling a wine “pretentious”. At first it seems as if the word has some sort of meaning, but when you look closer no information has been conveyed. The listener is no closer to understanding the flavor of wine after hearing the description than before.

Weird means nothing.

If you’d like to communicate, then do it well.

Otherwise all that you are communicating is that you don’t understand how to.

Good communication has a close correspondence to clear thinking. A person who would describe a wine as “pretentious” and not notice that he is babbling gibberish can not think clearly.

A person who would bandy about the term “weird” as if it conveyed information is not far from the same.

Did you synthesize the theme from Alice in Wonderland?

Try now before you scroll down and read it.

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It was this: All the best people are mad.

Think about how that relates to your idea of “weird”. If you are not Alice-In-Wonderland-Mad, not weird, then you can’t be different, can’t have different ideas, can’t act differently from others.

I’ve never known a single person who was not weird.

Of course I’m weird, you silly fool. Otherwise I would be the same as everyone else. And that’s not even possible.

You advocate making your own decisions, acting congruently with those decisions, and living with the consequences; I think maybe you should accept that other people will do the same with respect to you.

This was also the theme of Alice in Wonderland.  You have to allow yourself creative self indulgence and flights of fantasy in order to break free from social constraints enough to find your own uniquely personal insights.

You have to think for yourself.

You have to be weird, in order to be an independent actor within society. Otherwise you are a butler.

This is a theme that I’ve been writing about lately.  That we think communally.  This does not mean that we are ants that don’t have unique insights.  My last post was along a similar line; it’s very clever to have high self esteem and pride, but ONLY when it matches reasonably closely with how others perceive us.  Narcisism is no substitute for self esteem.  Self esteem is an accurate guage of how OTHERS perceive us; it’s NOT about how we perceive ourselves.

I encouraged my last intern to contact every possible previous intern that he could, and to talk with them in depth about all of their experiences here.  And despite the extremely odd ghosting and withholding of work, I’d encourage anyone to contact my last intern and to get his impressions also.   He’s a highly intelligent, insightful, and capable man. I’m not running on narcissism.  I’m running on genuine real feedback loops, firmly grounded in reality.  I need these feedback loops.  Cutting them off is a type of crime against each other.  We need open real communication in order to think communally.

Insight is both private and communal.  You have to be weird in order to be social.  You should never stop someone from being weird – that’s his job, if you want anything better than a robotic responses from him.

But we are weird in a community of weird people.

****

I’ve known people who have read thousands of books. They assume they are gaining knowledge.

Reading does not give you understanding. You can memorize Alice In Wonderland and never have it occur to you what it MEANS.

Reading or watching the world is a highly creative active process, of integrating every new piece of information into a wider whole. No book can ever convey meaning to you, no matter how well written. Not even a mathematical text. You have to create that meaning, actively, within yourself. It’s a process that is gigantically dependent upon your imagination. Our minds are not video camera’s, soaking in narratives. We creatively piece each piece.

How coherent a puzzle picture are we content with? I assume we fit on a bell curve graph of contentment vs ambition. Some of us are very ambitious, and never cease to rearrange the puzzle pieces, always seeking a more complete arrangement. We look at small details and discover a wide principle. Information to us is a web; one cigarette butt on the floor is connected to who was in the room and the smoking preferences of the killer. Every small thing is an indication of every big thing. You can’t watch Alice without seeing the theme. It can’t happen, because your life was trained in constantly putting small details into a big picture – forever attentive to any small detail that does not fit. You can’t stop yourself from seeing what to others they can’t start themselves to see.

We need 10,000 hours to get good at anything. Then it becomes more automatic, but we can still always improve, if we maintain passion. Thinking is like this. Every small detail must fit. Over time, they start to just fit by themselves, with less effort. Until you notice patterns that others don’t. It’s a skill you can learn and practice.

But it requires being an outsider and being hated sometimes. Really. You have to be weird to think.

Ego is good and high level business – it’s cool to feel cool

I’m glad the eye bag surgery was a success. Do you think that, the wig and some new clothes will majorly enhance your confidence? I ask because I’ve been weight training for the last few months and I’m starting to see some broadening of the shoulders and thickening of the arms (I’m naturally skinny and I’ll never be a hunk). It now gives me a boost to look in the mirror each morning. Is it shallow to be so concerned about one’s appearance? I don’t know. I’ll take pretty much any boost I can get at my age. One day we need to have a long conversation about the pitfalls of identity – it fascinates me.

I’m learned to be a bit more forgiving and even generous to ego identity.  It’s not that stupid.  I’d expect we’d be evolved to have some sort of relatively accurate self representation of how others see us.

Your muscles got bigger, and you got more confident.  That’s not all inside your head.  You got more confident because you have an accurate mental map of how OTHER people see you – you have an accurate theory of mind for how others view you.

That’s high level stuff – not low level stuff.  Ego is smart.  And good.  The smarter the ego the better.

We are enmeshed.  We feel better when we are loved.  Ego stroking is a great pleasure.  And so we learn how to be socially skilled enough to get ego strokes.  That’s high level stuff.

Ego business is not monkey business.  It’s human business.  There is plenty of room for ego learning and development – but not without just first accepting that it’s cool to feel cool.

And of course no one can sustain feeling cool without figuring out the incredibly complex social and power system – you can’t be cool and be a narcissist at the same time.  It’s not sustainable.

Forgiving and grudges are equally stupid.

I don’t know what the word forgive means, and I doubt that anyone else does either. I think it’s a mass hypnosis meme that boils down to “can’t we all please just get along”.

What could forgive mean, other than to deliberately entardate your brain in the effort to facilitate a lower status social bargain.

The past happened. You can’t renegotiate the past.

Past wrongs never get corrected by any internal alchemy. You can’t forgive them into a happy place.

Mistakes were made, and they remain mistakes. Forever. They are indelible.

Forgiveness could be spun in generous ways, but “forgive and forget” is just pleading with your own mind to erase uncomfortable memories so that you can again be deliberately ignorant. Just to get along. It’s asking to renegotiate your position from a fresh vantage, where you have nothing owing to you.

Cutting losses is another term that has little meaning to me. If a man loses a girl and wants her back, what meaning is there to talk about “letting her go” and “cutting your losses”, and “moving on”.

That’s all just after the fact rationalization for a process that we have actually very little control over.

I understand that we really wish and want to feel that we have emotional control. That we want and wish that there is some muscle we can contract that cuts losses, some scissor we can use to sever ties.

But only time heals wounds. We are far less active than all these philosophies want us to imagine.

Grin and bear it makes a lot more sense to me than “move on”.

People simply DON’T move on. They grieve. They feel. Then things change. It’s not about choices. It’s just stuff that happens inside our meat heads. Choice is not involved in loss. We lose, and we feel loss, until we don’t feel loss anymore.

A reasonable concept of forgiveness could be: what can you expect future outcomes to be now, considering the good and the bad and big picture. That’s actually nothing close to the idea of forgiveness – because forgiveness is a stupid idea that means nothing.

Dwelling on the negative is for stupid people who need stupid ideas such as “forgiveness”. Dwelling on kissy kissy make up is just as stupid. What can we realisticially forecast based on past actions. That’s all forgiveness could ever really mean. “His bad actions were likely either a one off, or not likely to happen too often to make dealing with him a net negative”.

That’s it. That’s all forgiveness can mean.

Otherwise “please forgive me” is simply a bargaining tactic to misprepresent the likelyhood of future patterns matching past patterns.

Which is also why when a person acts well out of character, and is not forgiven, this is also a giant tell of cognitive dissonance. Acting out of character is barely predictive of future performance, and so by the this definition of forgiveness easily merits quick and just forgiveness. Quick and just putting the actions into the real context of all past actions.

To put it simply: a grudge for a one off bad night against months or years of good relations is immature and childish and an offense against the very meaning of friendship.

And acceptance of continuing bad behavior and abuse is an offense against ones own ability to find and cultivate and nurture healthy caring long term relationships.

Results of dirty laundry poll: communal thinking and social mores

I’d like to thank everyone who replied. And gently chastise everyone who did not.

With your help I’ve come to the following conclusions:

1) Thinking is a social affair. I need feedback as well as inspiration from others. My personal judgment is not at all personal – it’s intimately tied up within the community that I associate with.

2) I will not post the private communications. Privacy is implicit in sms communications, and is a type of social contract. This is in contradiction to number 1. People actually do need to break privacy rules sometimes. Usually this is done one one one, with “shared secrets” to a few close confidants. That’s both socially acceptable and a social contract break – it’s a grey line that is accepted as irritating but perfectly normal. I was not sure if this blog could be the grey line – if public and private could and should be blurred. That can’t be my decision – that’s a social community mores decision. I needed feedback to know that, and to know what the current social community standards are. I really didn’t know.

Aside: I’d like to remind my readers that I live in SEA, and at times have no Western friends, and this blog and other forums can be my only means of  Western community social contact.  I sometimes am forced to constrain all friendly communications through these limited means.  There are not always any close confidants – this blog can sometimes be my community of confidants.

I could add that although I’ve been dating Asians exclusively for maybe 15 years, I’ve never had one dream of meeting a new Asian girl.  Most nights I dream of meeting blonds romantically.  I’m a Westerner.  We are Westerners.  The cultures and peoples are vastly different, and you never grow out of that, never assimilate, and never truly adjust.  You just figure out how to adapt.

3) My motivation to show the messages was to prove that I do indeed have a right to the work that he refuses to give me. The issue of how insulting I was in that one nights blast of messages is actually a total red herring – a dissimulation – a distraction and a sidetrack. How insulting I was has nothing to with the issue of the work.

I was genuine in my quest for feedback, and the readers gave helpful comments. It worked. Thanks to all.

Should I air my dirty laundry here? Poll

My last intern severed all contact with me after some drunken sms messages that I sent him, and refuses to give me his work, mostly using the messages as his “reason”.  This was many months ago, and I have not pestered him about it, but only very occasionally (like less than once a month) sent him messages to gently try to re-initiate contact.  I have apologized many times, and the apologies were genuine.

Prior to the sms messages all our communications had been warm and civil, and in my mind full of mutual respect and even joy.

I have often been tempted to post the messages that I sent him here on the blog, as I’d like some feedback on my sanity and social skills. Did I truly insult him? Or is he just grasping at a convenient straw to keep the work, out of some other motive?

However he did communicate to me that he considered my mention of him in another post as “outing him”, and another reason to move on to the future, meaning to continue to maintain complete radio silence with me.  I had written that post also while under the influence, and I was very angry at the time.  To this day I don’t see that the post was a mistake.  Am I incorrect?  Is my judgment faulty on that too?

So I really can’t tell if it was my drinking that ruined what had seemed to be a great friendship and collaboration.

I was deeply saddened and actually past sad and into depression for many months because of that issue.

And I may never know if it was my drinking, or not.

It is not my intention to use a public forum to cast aspersions on anyone.  I really very much liked and appreciated the guy.  I’m honestly questioning my own social skills and sanity, and don’t know where else to turn for feedback.  I’ve recently learned that I can’t simply trust my own judgment, and that sometimes I do need feedback.

The intern was upset before that I recounted events.  He didn’t mention that I had misrepresented the situation, he only communicated that he didn’t like the discussion to be public at all.

That’s not a value that I can empathize with.  I simply don’t know what it means to be offended or dissappointed in telling a tale of interactions.  Either I’m acurate or not – that’s the issue, isn’t it?  Am I totally retarded?  Do I just not get it?  Am I autistic?

I’ve even offered to pay extra money for the work.  He refuses to discuss it or negotiate about it. He communicates to me that he’s completely unwilling to interact at all, even for that business arrangement.

Please every person who reads this post take just a few seconds out of your life and leave a very brief comment if you think it’s a good idea or not to post screen captures of the offending messages that apparently caused total radio silence and a “reason” to withhold all work – work he had previously agreed to give to me.

 

 

My girlfriend recorded me on video being drunk

I’ve always prided myself on being able to hold my booze.  When younger I thought it was difficult to even tell if I’d been drinking.  Last night I got drunk in the company of my girlfriend in Bali.  The next day I was angry at her for getting upset at my behavior, when obviously I’d been acting perfectly normal!  I accused her of gaslighting me.

Thankfully she had recorded much of the evening, on video and voice.  Actually she had been very patient and kind with me.  It turns out I was being a total dick.

I had a major case of the Duning Kruger effect last night – too stupid to come close to understanding how stupid I was.  I was belligerent, easily offended, repetitive, and annoying.

It makes me wonder if I’m going senile.  I’m sure I used to be able to function at a much higher level when drunk before.

It’s very humbling and very embarrassing.  I’m nowhere anywhere near as smart as I thought I was – at least when drunk.  Scary.  I’m so grateful for those videos!

Less than half of people can be in healthy relationships

I’ve been reading up on insecure attachment styles, and again came across the statistic that only half of men and women have a secure relationship style.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

People who do not are simply not mentally capable of being supportive of their partner, or of sucessfully pair bonding.  The dismissive avoidant types (about 25%) often pair up with the anxious clingy types (another 25% or so).  The clingy ones seem to prefer being rejected, as it is what they got used to and familiar with in their family.  Clingy people actually avoid relationships with securely attached people who can give them what they overtly seek.

I haven’t seen it written down, but what I’ve noticed is that both the clingy and avoidant types deliberately sabotage relationships with manipulations and mind games.  They deliberately sabotage clear communication.  They just can’t be happy being happy.

A clingy person can be so oppressive in her desire for affection as to make actually receiving it for the long term impossible.  And even if s/he does receive love, it’s water poured into a cup with a hole in the bottom.  Impossible to retain that feeling of love throughout the day and night, and this puts an impossible burden on the mate to keep refilling the broken cup.

But it gets worse.  It’s not just that only 50% of people are suitable for having LTRs with.  It’s that only 50% of men are suitable to have as friends and business associates.

I’m starting to come around to the belief that men pair bond also, and that’s called having a buddy.  A business associate is also a type of buddy bond; very serious long term obligations, strong trust and high levels of communication are  essential to successful business relationships.

It gets worse.

I’ve come to see that the majority of people in the pick up or manosphere or red pill scenes do not fall into the 50% camp of people who had healthy relationships with their parents, or are capable of secure attachment with women as adults.  The people who are most interested in pump and dump are the least interested, or able, to have long term relationships.  This is not merely a lifestyle choice of seeking novelty, it’s also directly related to attachment styles.

Therefore most men in the manosphere or PU community are not suitable to partner with on business projects.  Or even to have as buddies.

Which is tragic, really, because red pill awareness is heightened awareness of relationships and reality.  To be able to see the world like that takes a lot of personal development, and raw cognitive horse power.

It’s tragic that it tends to be broken people who seek solutions in non-monogamy more than people who genuinely love women and love being in love and bonding with them.

We don’t see much talk of healthy loving non-monogamy, anywhere.  There are a few great standouts, like Blackdragon, but most men in the scene can not even conceptualize what that could look like.

I believe, sadly, that attachment styles play a very big role in why this is so.

 

Final messages to insecure attachment style girl

It was because you didn’t know how to feel loved unless I was paying attention to you.  And you always felt resentful if I was not paying attention.

That is the reason that I lived with M but I could never live with you.  It was like being in a jail having you around me.  You did not know how to share happiness and love in silence just by being in the same room.

You often told me that you missed me even when I was right beside you.

It means you did not feel my love for you.  You could not feel it in the room.  Instead you felt resentful and always hungry hungry hungry for attention.  It was oppressive and I just could not stand being near you so hungry so hungry so hungry and empty and so lonely even right beside me.  I could not take it.

And the more that you were hungry fo my love the more I just could not even pay any attention to you at all.  I just wanted you to go away.  I could not take all that demand on me.  I could never understand why you could not just calm down and be happy and share the same space and know that you are loved.  But you can’t do that.  I could not handle all that pressure on me.  It’s not up to me to make you feel loved.  If you can not feel that there’s nothing I can do.

It was so oppressive in my room and in my house.  Having you around with bad feelings.  You did not share a happy space and share happy love.  You are always angry that I was not giving you enough love.  It was like being in a jail and being tortured all the time.

To tell you the truth it is a big relief that you are going.  I can finally relax.  You did your best and you were a good girl and all our memories are very good.  And I thank you for all our time.  Probably it was good for you to go.

The more that you felt neglected the less I wanted to pay attention to you.  I could not even walk to the bathroom without you grabbing me and trying to hug me.  I could not even walk across my own room without you opening your arms on the bed asking me to hug you.

I could never understand why you could never calm down.  When I was living with M whenever I did Chi Kung it felt like we were both sharing the same space and sharing the same love.  My Chi Kung got stronger because she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me and we did not have to say one word about it.  We were sharing the love in the room.  The love was already in the room and I did not have to say a word about it.

But with you whenever I do that it feels like you are watching me and feeling resentful that I am neglecting you.

You are always resentful that I am not looking you straight in the eyes and saying nice things to you and paying full attention right at you.

It is so demanding and so exhausting that I just can’t take it and I just can’t handle it.  And I am so so so relieved that you are gone.  I just could not take it anymore.  I’m finally getting to be happy because nobody is putting so much pressure on me.

600k opportunity passed

I spotted an opportunity to build and sell a product on Kickstarter about a year ago.  I lacked the resources in manpower and financing to get it built.  This month another team launched their version on Kickstarter and have earned over 600k from their campaign so far.

That’s good news and bad news.  It means I’m on the right track with re-investing every penny I earn and skating a razor thin line between being in the black and the red each month.

It also means the market for that item is large enough to allow competition.

It feels as if I’m trying to get to critical mass by adding one gram of uranium per day.  You need between 15 and 600 kilos of uranium, depending on the grade and if you use a reflector, to get a self sustaining nuclear chain reaction.  I KNOW that I’ll get there, as long as I can keep adding resources and don’t go bankrupt first.  And once there I’ll have extra resources to buy more resources to receive more resources and so on.

I could have saved many hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, had I worked diligently alone.

Instead I want to earn more than that in one month, on just one of my many projects.  And then use that as the stepping stone to greater things.  I have the plans, I have the vision.  I don’t have the people, the time, or the finances.  Until kaboom day.

Time for a wig, eye-lift, facial fat injections and lifts.

The wig is on the way.  I’ll shave my head and wear it permanently.  Wigs today are undetectable, and worn 24 hours a day, including in the shower.  It’s removed to wash the scalp every few weeks, and might need replacing after 7 months.  My hair now is in bad condition – very receded hairline, big bald spot on the back, gray and thin on the sides.

Next month I will get upper and lower eye surgery.  This will help with heavy dark bags under the eyes, and the drooping eyelid skin, as well as tighten up the skin.

I’ve looked into facial fillers, and decided on stem cell augmented fat transfer.  They take your own fat, treat it, and inject it into your face.  This lasts longer than most synthetic fillers and it’s said that the procedure also tends to cause the skin itself to look better.  As we get older the face not only droops and wrinkles, but it loses fat.  I used to be chided for my baby face chipmunk cheeks in my teens, and now I’m all gaunt and have silly putty skin.

I’ve ordered shoe insert lifts, as well as two pairs of platform shoes – one a casual shoe style and the other a fisherman’s sandle.  My footwear will add over two inches of height above regular shoes, bringing me up to at least 5’10 (actually 5’11 in shoes, but everybody gets an inch in shoes).  I’ll even have the option to be 6 feet tall in shoes, without the platforms being noticeable.

I do home teeth whitening, and will do it professionally.  I may also get ceramic dental veneers.

I’ve experimented with make-up.  It makes a big difference and is basically undetectable.  Could be useful on occasion, especially for photo shoots.

Late this year or early next I plan to also get eyebrow hair transplants.  I may get an upper and even a lower face lift.

Right now I’m dieting; eating a high protein meal once a day, to get rid of a protruding belly.  I was starting to look pregnant.  On gym days I don’t eat until after the workout.

My business plans are moving forward, and soon I will start to hire and interact with models, as well as the prettiest of the general public.  I’m working on improving status, as well as access.

I will not go gently into the night, and at fifty it’s starting to get mighty dark.  I’ve never been a looker and always had a tough time competing against taller and more attractive men, but as time goes on more and more girls consider themselves well out of my league.

I have some leads on my phone that I don’t want to meet until I look much better than I do now.  I should have much better odds in about two months.

How an ugly 50 year old man can out compete surfers

  1. Opulence.  Women (and men) are fascinated by shiny objects.  If you have vaulted ceilings and and an indoor swimming pool and a classic motorcycle, people will ring your doorbell out of curiosity.
  2. Don’t be a block of wood.  Most humans are a block of wood.  If you practice mediation and yoga and chi-kung and learn music and read and explore every other avenue to wake up and expand your awareness of your self, then you can become a story teller.  You can engage people and be the TV set.  Be the leader of their awareness.  You can earn the right to engage and explore other people.  Don’t be a block of wood.  Use your mind to discover your own mind.  Use your body to discover your own body.  That’s the beginning of seduction.