Ego is good and high level business – it’s cool to feel cool

I’m glad the eye bag surgery was a success. Do you think that, the wig and some new clothes will majorly enhance your confidence? I ask because I’ve been weight training for the last few months and I’m starting to see some broadening of the shoulders and thickening of the arms (I’m naturally skinny and I’ll never be a hunk). It now gives me a boost to look in the mirror each morning. Is it shallow to be so concerned about one’s appearance? I don’t know. I’ll take pretty much any boost I can get at my age. One day we need to have a long conversation about the pitfalls of identity – it fascinates me.

I’m learned to be a bit more forgiving and even generous to ego identity.  It’s not that stupid.  I’d expect we’d be evolved to have some sort of relatively accurate self representation of how others see us.

Your muscles got bigger, and you got more confident.  That’s not all inside your head.  You got more confident because you have an accurate mental map of how OTHER people see you – you have an accurate theory of mind for how others view you.

That’s high level stuff – not low level stuff.  Ego is smart.  And good.  The smarter the ego the better.

We are enmeshed.  We feel better when we are loved.  Ego stroking is a great pleasure.  And so we learn how to be socially skilled enough to get ego strokes.  That’s high level stuff.

Ego business is not monkey business.  It’s human business.  There is plenty of room for ego learning and development – but not without just first accepting that it’s cool to feel cool.

And of course no one can sustain feeling cool without figuring out the incredibly complex social and power system – you can’t be cool and be a narcissist at the same time.  It’s not sustainable.

Forgiving and grudges are equally stupid.

I don’t know what the word forgive means, and I doubt that anyone else does either. I think it’s a mass hypnosis meme that boils down to “can’t we all please just get along”.

What could forgive mean, other than to deliberately entardate your brain in the effort to facilitate a lower status social bargain.

The past happened. You can’t renegotiate the past.

Past wrongs never get corrected by any internal alchemy. You can’t forgive them into a happy place.

Mistakes were made, and they remain mistakes. Forever. They are indelible.

Forgiveness could be spun in generous ways, but “forgive and forget” is just pleading with your own mind to erase uncomfortable memories so that you can again be deliberately ignorant. Just to get along. It’s asking to renegotiate your position from a fresh vantage, where you have nothing owing to you.

Cutting losses is another term that has little meaning to me. If a man loses a girl and wants her back, what meaning is there to talk about “letting her go” and “cutting your losses”, and “moving on”.

That’s all just after the fact rationalization for a process that we have actually very little control over.

I understand that we really wish and want to feel that we have emotional control. That we want and wish that there is some muscle we can contract that cuts losses, some scissor we can use to sever ties.

But only time heals wounds. We are far less active than all these philosophies want us to imagine.

Grin and bear it makes a lot more sense to me than “move on”.

People simply DON’T move on. They grieve. They feel. Then things change. It’s not about choices. It’s just stuff that happens inside our meat heads. Choice is not involved in loss. We lose, and we feel loss, until we don’t feel loss anymore.

A reasonable concept of forgiveness could be: what can you expect future outcomes to be now, considering the good and the bad and big picture. That’s actually nothing close to the idea of forgiveness – because forgiveness is a stupid idea that means nothing.

Dwelling on the negative is for stupid people who need stupid ideas such as “forgiveness”. Dwelling on kissy kissy make up is just as stupid. What can we realisticially forecast based on past actions. That’s all forgiveness could ever really mean. “His bad actions were likely either a one off, or not likely to happen too often to make dealing with him a net negative”.

That’s it. That’s all forgiveness can mean.

Otherwise “please forgive me” is simply a bargaining tactic to misprepresent the likelyhood of future patterns matching past patterns.

Which is also why when a person acts well out of character, and is not forgiven, this is also a giant tell of cognitive dissonance. Acting out of character is barely predictive of future performance, and so by the this definition of forgiveness easily merits quick and just forgiveness. Quick and just putting the actions into the real context of all past actions.

To put it simply: a grudge for a one off bad night against months or years of good relations is immature and childish and an offense against the very meaning of friendship.

And acceptance of continuing bad behavior and abuse is an offense against ones own ability to find and cultivate and nurture healthy caring long term relationships.

Results of dirty laundry poll: communal thinking and social mores

I’d like to thank everyone who replied. And gently chastise everyone who did not.

With your help I’ve come to the following conclusions:

1) Thinking is a social affair. I need feedback as well as inspiration from others. My personal judgment is not at all personal – it’s intimately tied up within the community that I associate with.

2) I will not post the private communications. Privacy is implicit in sms communications, and is a type of social contract. This is in contradiction to number 1. People actually do need to break privacy rules sometimes. Usually this is done one one one, with “shared secrets” to a few close confidants. That’s both socially acceptable and a social contract break – it’s a grey line that is accepted as irritating but perfectly normal. I was not sure if this blog could be the grey line – if public and private could and should be blurred. That can’t be my decision – that’s a social community mores decision. I needed feedback to know that, and to know what the current social community standards are. I really didn’t know.

Aside: I’d like to remind my readers that I live in SEA, and at times have no Western friends, and this blog and other forums can be my only means of  Western community social contact.  I sometimes am forced to constrain all friendly communications through these limited means.  There are not always any close confidants – this blog can sometimes be my community of confidants.

I could add that although I’ve been dating Asians exclusively for maybe 15 years, I’ve never had one dream of meeting a new Asian girl.  Most nights I dream of meeting blonds romantically.  I’m a Westerner.  We are Westerners.  The cultures and peoples are vastly different, and you never grow out of that, never assimilate, and never truly adjust.  You just figure out how to adapt.

3) My motivation to show the messages was to prove that I do indeed have a right to the work that he refuses to give me. The issue of how insulting I was in that one nights blast of messages is actually a total red herring – a dissimulation – a distraction and a sidetrack. How insulting I was has nothing to with the issue of the work.

I was genuine in my quest for feedback, and the readers gave helpful comments. It worked. Thanks to all.

Should I air my dirty laundry here? Poll

My last intern severed all contact with me after some drunken sms messages that I sent him, and refuses to give me his work, mostly using the messages as his “reason”.  This was many months ago, and I have not pestered him about it, but only very occasionally (like less than once a month) sent him messages to gently try to re-initiate contact.  I have apologized many times, and the apologies were genuine.

Prior to the sms messages all our communications had been warm and civil, and in my mind full of mutual respect and even joy.

I have often been tempted to post the messages that I sent him here on the blog, as I’d like some feedback on my sanity and social skills. Did I truly insult him? Or is he just grasping at a convenient straw to keep the work, out of some other motive?

However he did communicate to me that he considered my mention of him in another post as “outing him”, and another reason to move on to the future, meaning to continue to maintain complete radio silence with me.  I had written that post also while under the influence, and I was very angry at the time.  To this day I don’t see that the post was a mistake.  Am I incorrect?  Is my judgment faulty on that too?

So I really can’t tell if it was my drinking that ruined what had seemed to be a great friendship and collaboration.

I was deeply saddened and actually past sad and into depression for many months because of that issue.

And I may never know if it was my drinking, or not.

It is not my intention to use a public forum to cast aspersions on anyone.  I really very much liked and appreciated the guy.  I’m honestly questioning my own social skills and sanity, and don’t know where else to turn for feedback.  I’ve recently learned that I can’t simply trust my own judgment, and that sometimes I do need feedback.

The intern was upset before that I recounted events.  He didn’t mention that I had misrepresented the situation, he only communicated that he didn’t like the discussion to be public at all.

That’s not a value that I can empathize with.  I simply don’t know what it means to be offended or dissappointed in telling a tale of interactions.  Either I’m acurate or not – that’s the issue, isn’t it?  Am I totally retarded?  Do I just not get it?  Am I autistic?

I’ve even offered to pay extra money for the work.  He refuses to discuss it or negotiate about it. He communicates to me that he’s completely unwilling to interact at all, even for that business arrangement.

Please every person who reads this post take just a few seconds out of your life and leave a very brief comment if you think it’s a good idea or not to post screen captures of the offending messages that apparently caused total radio silence and a “reason” to withhold all work – work he had previously agreed to give to me.



My girlfriend recorded me on video being drunk

I’ve always prided myself on being able to hold my booze.  When younger I thought it was difficult to even tell if I’d been drinking.  Last night I got drunk in the company of my girlfriend in Bali.  The next day I was angry at her for getting upset at my behavior, when obviously I’d been acting perfectly normal!  I accused her of gaslighting me.

Thankfully she had recorded much of the evening, on video and voice.  Actually she had been very patient and kind with me.  It turns out I was being a total dick.

I had a major case of the Duning Kruger effect last night – too stupid to come close to understanding how stupid I was.  I was belligerent, easily offended, repetitive, and annoying.

It makes me wonder if I’m going senile.  I’m sure I used to be able to function at a much higher level when drunk before.

It’s very humbling and very embarrassing.  I’m nowhere anywhere near as smart as I thought I was – at least when drunk.  Scary.  I’m so grateful for those videos!

Less than half of people can be in healthy relationships

I’ve been reading up on insecure attachment styles, and again came across the statistic that only half of men and women have a secure relationship style.

People who do not are simply not mentally capable of being supportive of their partner, or of sucessfully pair bonding.  The dismissive avoidant types (about 25%) often pair up with the anxious clingy types (another 25% or so).  The clingy ones seem to prefer being rejected, as it is what they got used to and familiar with in their family.  Clingy people actually avoid relationships with securely attached people who can give them what they overtly seek.

I haven’t seen it written down, but what I’ve noticed is that both the clingy and avoidant types deliberately sabotage relationships with manipulations and mind games.  They deliberately sabotage clear communication.  They just can’t be happy being happy.

A clingy person can be so oppressive in her desire for affection as to make actually receiving it for the long term impossible.  And even if s/he does receive love, it’s water poured into a cup with a hole in the bottom.  Impossible to retain that feeling of love throughout the day and night, and this puts an impossible burden on the mate to keep refilling the broken cup.

But it gets worse.  It’s not just that only 50% of people are suitable for having LTRs with.  It’s that only 50% of men are suitable to have as friends and business associates.

I’m starting to come around to the belief that men pair bond also, and that’s called having a buddy.  A business associate is also a type of buddy bond; very serious long term obligations, strong trust and high levels of communication are  essential to successful business relationships.

It gets worse.

I’ve come to see that the majority of people in the pick up or manosphere or red pill scenes do not fall into the 50% camp of people who had healthy relationships with their parents, or are capable of secure attachment with women as adults.  The people who are most interested in pump and dump are the least interested, or able, to have long term relationships.  This is not merely a lifestyle choice of seeking novelty, it’s also directly related to attachment styles.

Therefore most men in the manosphere or PU community are not suitable to partner with on business projects.  Or even to have as buddies.

Which is tragic, really, because red pill awareness is heightened awareness of relationships and reality.  To be able to see the world like that takes a lot of personal development, and raw cognitive horse power.

It’s tragic that it tends to be broken people who seek solutions in non-monogamy more than people who genuinely love women and love being in love and bonding with them.

We don’t see much talk of healthy loving non-monogamy, anywhere.  There are a few great standouts, like Blackdragon, but most men in the scene can not even conceptualize what that could look like.

I believe, sadly, that attachment styles play a very big role in why this is so.


Final messages to insecure attachment style girl

It was because you didn’t know how to feel loved unless I was paying attention to you.  And you always felt resentful if I was not paying attention.

That is the reason that I lived with M but I could never live with you.  It was like being in a jail having you around me.  You did not know how to share happiness and love in silence just by being in the same room.

You often told me that you missed me even when I was right beside you.

It means you did not feel my love for you.  You could not feel it in the room.  Instead you felt resentful and always hungry hungry hungry for attention.  It was oppressive and I just could not stand being near you so hungry so hungry so hungry and empty and so lonely even right beside me.  I could not take it.

And the more that you were hungry fo my love the more I just could not even pay any attention to you at all.  I just wanted you to go away.  I could not take all that demand on me.  I could never understand why you could not just calm down and be happy and share the same space and know that you are loved.  But you can’t do that.  I could not handle all that pressure on me.  It’s not up to me to make you feel loved.  If you can not feel that there’s nothing I can do.

It was so oppressive in my room and in my house.  Having you around with bad feelings.  You did not share a happy space and share happy love.  You are always angry that I was not giving you enough love.  It was like being in a jail and being tortured all the time.

To tell you the truth it is a big relief that you are going.  I can finally relax.  You did your best and you were a good girl and all our memories are very good.  And I thank you for all our time.  Probably it was good for you to go.

The more that you felt neglected the less I wanted to pay attention to you.  I could not even walk to the bathroom without you grabbing me and trying to hug me.  I could not even walk across my own room without you opening your arms on the bed asking me to hug you.

I could never understand why you could never calm down.  When I was living with M whenever I did Chi Kung it felt like we were both sharing the same space and sharing the same love.  My Chi Kung got stronger because she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me and we did not have to say one word about it.  We were sharing the love in the room.  The love was already in the room and I did not have to say a word about it.

But with you whenever I do that it feels like you are watching me and feeling resentful that I am neglecting you.

You are always resentful that I am not looking you straight in the eyes and saying nice things to you and paying full attention right at you.

It is so demanding and so exhausting that I just can’t take it and I just can’t handle it.  And I am so so so relieved that you are gone.  I just could not take it anymore.  I’m finally getting to be happy because nobody is putting so much pressure on me.

600k opportunity passed

I spotted an opportunity to build and sell a product on Kickstarter about a year ago.  I lacked the resources in manpower and financing to get it built.  This month another team launched their version on Kickstarter and have earned over 600k from their campaign so far.

That’s good news and bad news.  It means I’m on the right track with re-investing every penny I earn and skating a razor thin line between being in the black and the red each month.

It also means the market for that item is large enough to allow competition.

It feels as if I’m trying to get to critical mass by adding one gram of uranium per day.  You need between 15 and 600 kilos of uranium, depending on the grade and if you use a reflector, to get a self sustaining nuclear chain reaction.  I KNOW that I’ll get there, as long as I can keep adding resources and don’t go bankrupt first.  And once there I’ll have extra resources to buy more resources to receive more resources and so on.

I could have saved many hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, had I worked diligently alone.

Instead I want to earn more than that in one month, on just one of my many projects.  And then use that as the stepping stone to greater things.  I have the plans, I have the vision.  I don’t have the people, the time, or the finances.  Until kaboom day.

Time for a wig, eye-lift, facial fat injections and lifts.

The wig is on the way.  I’ll shave my head and wear it permanently.  Wigs today are undetectable, and worn 24 hours a day, including in the shower.  It’s removed to wash the scalp every few weeks, and might need replacing after 7 months.  My hair now is in bad condition – very receded hairline, big bald spot on the back, gray and thin on the sides.

Next month I will get upper and lower eye surgery.  This will help with heavy dark bags under the eyes, and the drooping eyelid skin, as well as tighten up the skin.

I’ve looked into facial fillers, and decided on stem cell augmented fat transfer.  They take your own fat, treat it, and inject it into your face.  This lasts longer than most synthetic fillers and it’s said that the procedure also tends to cause the skin itself to look better.  As we get older the face not only droops and wrinkles, but it loses fat.  I used to be chided for my baby face chipmunk cheeks in my teens, and now I’m all gaunt and have silly putty skin.

I’ve ordered shoe insert lifts, as well as two pairs of platform shoes – one a casual shoe style and the other a fisherman’s sandle.  My footwear will add over two inches of height above regular shoes, bringing me up to at least 5’10 (actually 5’11 in shoes, but everybody gets an inch in shoes).  I’ll even have the option to be 6 feet tall in shoes, without the platforms being noticeable.

I do home teeth whitening, and will do it professionally.  I may also get ceramic dental veneers.

I’ve experimented with make-up.  It makes a big difference and is basically undetectable.  Could be useful on occasion, especially for photo shoots.

Late this year or early next I plan to also get eyebrow hair transplants.  I may get an upper and even a lower face lift.

Right now I’m dieting; eating a high protein meal once a day, to get rid of a protruding belly.  I was starting to look pregnant.  On gym days I don’t eat until after the workout.

My business plans are moving forward, and soon I will start to hire and interact with models, as well as the prettiest of the general public.  I’m working on improving status, as well as access.

I will not go gently into the night, and at fifty it’s starting to get mighty dark.  I’ve never been a looker and always had a tough time competing against taller and more attractive men, but as time goes on more and more girls consider themselves well out of my league.

I have some leads on my phone that I don’t want to meet until I look much better than I do now.  I should have much better odds in about two months.

How an ugly 50 year old man can out compete surfers

  1. Opulence.  Women (and men) are fascinated by shiny objects.  If you have vaulted ceilings and and an indoor swimming pool and a classic motorcycle, people will ring your doorbell out of curiosity.
  2. Don’t be a block of wood.  Most humans are a block of wood.  If you practice mediation and yoga and chi-kung and learn music and read and explore every other avenue to wake up and expand your awareness of your self, then you can become a story teller.  You can engage people and be the TV set.  Be the leader of their awareness.  You can earn the right to engage and explore other people.  Don’t be a block of wood.  Use your mind to discover your own mind.  Use your body to discover your own body.  That’s the beginning of seduction.

People have a set middle ground of horniness, and it varies in a bell curve.

Facts can be interpreted sure, but that does not mean that we are all entitled to our own facts.  Unless you believe that reality is opinion based and we are all entitled to our opinion of what could be a working rocket ship that will make it to the moon and bring back survivors.

The interesting facts are that lately I’ve been quite ill, with some sort of flu-ish thing.  As my energy decreased, naturally so did my libido.  I got a bit better, and then my current favorite sent me a message with pics of a threesome lover she had picked out for us.  That night I was supercharged with romantic love for her.  Not because I wanted to fuck the hot other girl so much as because she did that for me.

A cat who offers a dead rat on the doorstep is a devoted cat.  A girl who offers up pussy even though it hurts her is… what can you say?!  I was filled with emotion.  If you need words they could be love and lust.  I could not fuck her enough or kiss her enough, and Daddy loved her more than words or cock could ever say.

This was the second offering, so it was even more potent.

But I made the mistake of coming in her in the heat of it, and this lowered my energy, and that sank my immune system, and I quickly got very sick again.

I was so low energy during my sickness that I did not want her to speak one word to me.  She asked if I was angry at her and I politely explained that I was low battery and cranky, the same way she gets if she is hungry or lacks sleep.  I needed quiet time.  Don’t talk.

I slept at first 20 hours in a day, and later just ignored her.  When she tried to kiss me I just had to push her face away.

You should see the point by now:

The more energy I have, the more interested I am in the girl.

N20 would try to dangle her ass in front of me when I was sick, and I didn’t even try to pretend to look.  Leave me alone.  Later I did my best to be polite and glance.  Later I looked but was soft.  Usually her ass makes my eyes and body hungry and she dangles it and loves thrilling me.

This is the reason for this post:

My last post was about grief and about how I personally deal with it.  In the comments it came up that people have individual approaches.

I believe that the insight in this post is that peoples individual approaches to women is heavily influenced by how much battery power and libido and charge and emotional energy they carry around with them.

Only a low energy man can say that any man COULD MGTOW.  It’s his experience that this is possible for HIM, and so he assumes it’s must be possible for all.

Only a medium to low affect man could assume that grief could or should not affect other men.  Low affect men believe that “If only other men had the correct words in their heads, emotions would not move them”.

Words can affect emotions, and the internal narrative is a powerful thing.

But let’s not give onto Caesar what is not Caesar’s due.

Emotions have their own rules.

You can take a placebo, and have it be explained later that it was a placebo, and that same placebo will still work.  The narrative will have no effect on the part of the brain that believes in the placebo.

Narrative therefore does not create the placebo affect.

Placebo can kill pain.

Narrative therefore does not affect pain directly.

Men who think that narrative creates reality are so inside their own words that they mistakenly believe that consciousness is composed of words.  The brain is a bunch of different things – the word parts are relatively minor.  But for some it appears to be all that is.

If you sing a song you can change your emotions.  If you tell yourself some stories emotions will change.  You can fiddle with dials on an AM radio and that won’t dial you into shortwave.  You can’t get to shortwave from an AM radio, any more than you can move dust with your mind.  Shortwave is so close to AM – just a few frequencies away, but it’s far away enough.  Emotions and narrative are far away enough.  It’s different parts of the brain.  Just because they two parts talk to each other don’t assume that one controls the other.  The tuner does not control the broadcast any more than the broadcast controls the tuner.

And of course there is interaction between conscious and unconscious processes, but see the point.  You don’t and can’t create and fully control your own mind; it also happens TO you.  You get to participate.  Gently.

People see that words modulate emotions and they mistakenly believe that words CREATE emotions.  If that works for them (and I have my doubts) then cool.  For high affect people it doesn’t.  People vary.

Emotions can be a distinct brain processing function.  Your words can be fine, and you can still grieve.  That’s actually called healthy and normal.  It’s actually called healthy and normal to not fight it, and to just go through it, and to just accept feeling like shit for a while.

Even the Buddha said that.  We ALL just feel like shit sometimes.  Buddha said that.  He called it the four noble truths.  Which boils down to sometimes you are just going to feel like shit, and there is NOTHING you can do about it, so get over it, and get through it the best you can.

Libido and affect and a great many other things vary.  We are not homogeneous.

High affect and high libido personalities can’t get advice from low affect or low libido personalities.  And vice versa.  Unless it is to chop off your balls or grow some.

What I see as the most effective way to deal with emotions is to life craft.  Have real friends who back you up.  Have real backup financial plans.  Have women who love you.  Everything you can think of that is relative and that you can lose and that can seriously hurt you if you don’t have it, try to have it.

Be in the world, and try to win at actual life.  As if it’s not a dress rehearsal or a video game.  As if it mattered.

Hurt when you should hurt, and rejoice when you should rejoice.  And actually win at actual life.

Loss out-ranks gain emotionally, and now what?

Well, I earned a surprise 9.5 grand last night with a big sale.  That wipes out the loss of the 3 laptops and 4k worth of lost account info.

I’ve got another 10k coming in this month from some deal, and double that in October.  And my steady income is slowly increasing at a rate well past my steadily increasing expenses.  And new income streams will, eventually, also come online.

They say that you feel losses more than gains, so even earning the 9.5 k which is twice as much as recently lost doesn’t quite calculate as a cancelling out of the loss; “But I would have had even more if I hadn’t lost!”

Long term stress raises cortisol, which kills neuron in the hippopotimous-campus and within that the amygdala, which causes emotional disregulation and eventually depression.

Depression can be a neurological condition, which can mean that you can’t muster the will power required to get yourself out of it.

Antidepressants work negligably better than placebos, which means that a placebo effect can be incredibly strong regarding depression.  This does not mean that we therefore have conscious free will over depression.  It means that we have unconscious something over something.  That’s completely different.

My strategy for sadness, grief, and depression has usually been to do drugs and alcohol through the worst of it, maintain lifestyle crafting, and to wait for it to go away.

Lately I’ve been having stubborn grief and depression.  It’s not going away.  Sometimes it’s just too painful so I reach for relief.  Booze probably also shrinks the hippopotimus and for me is addictive, so could be short term relief and a long term problem.  Valium can be related to depression and loss of acumen.  Dopamine agonists and opioid receptor agonists are quick to cull the receptors, so they also borrow against future contentment.

But when you actually hurt, you don’t want to hurt.  Normally it’s fine to medicate temporarily.  Hurt subsides.

I guess I’m still waiting for a clarity of vision.  It’s one thing to grieve and have a positive forward looking plan.  It’s another to lose your vision and not know what to do next to fix it.

I’ve had interns out here a number of times, and each time things seemed to go well in important ways.  Socially things often went quite well.  This last time I had some high financial hopes, and extended some of my business visions into a new promising direction.

I was already living in my future; working towards a future that I could see so clearly that I was living inside of it.

The loss of that future, plus the social loss has left me not only caught off-guard for how to re-envision my plans, but left my emotional system, which is semi-autonomous to other mental systems, reeling.  Having interns leave before has never hit me quite this hard for so long.

I’m using this post as a journal, in the hopes that merely writing will help tease out clarity from the jumble of experience.

Yesterday in my dream state I focused on simply feeling my heart.  Just maintaining attention there, rigidly, during the sleep state.  It was not insightful, but I just wanted to be present in my body, in the part that seemed most salient to my experience lately – my emotions.

This morning I seemed to have some glimmer of clarity in my morning dreams, but still woke up to pain and sadness.  Physical pain that hurt enough for me to want it to go away quickly.  Not some trivial mild mood, but OUCH that HURTS!

The glimmer of clarity related to the emotional loss of comraderie with westerners.  It’s cool to hang out with Indonesian girls who love me and my body parts devotedly, but it’s a very different social interaction to hang out with buddies who are from the same culture who get each others jokes.  It’s a different category of sympatico.  And when that is woven in seamlessly with business aims, the tapestry is more valuable still.  Fine high caliber friends collaborating on business is silk and gold-thread embroidery as compared to the cheese cloth that is bar buddies.

But I’ve been burnt quite a number of times.  Interns one day are all enthused and cooperative, and literally the next day tell me that they are leaving with no notice.  I don’t get a hand off of work done.  I don’t get correspondence after that.  Everything’s roses and butterflies until they go ghost.

In the West you expect a minimum of two weeks notice.  That has never happened out here.  Apparently there are no rules out here.

The most recent guy to come out, Mat, wanted to do a careful background check before he started working here so I encouraged him to contact as many of the previous interns as he could.  I gave him all the contacts that I had.

Months later after he had decided to leave I asked him if he knew how the previous interns had fared in their life, after leaving.

They were all capable guys.  But I had to wonder if their decision to leave my enterprises led to improvements in any areas of their lives.  Social, economic, or any other measure of improvement.

I got vague answers from Mat, so I really don’t know, but if I had to force an impression out of the vagueness I’d guess that people’s lives overall did not improve, and most likely declined after leaving our group and our group efforts.

One thing Mat had heard from the interns is that I’d shown them “how easy it is to start a business”.  This seems to have inspired people to go it on their own.

One thing I’ve heard from another entrepreneur is how mistaken this impression usually is.

It’s not easy to be self employed.  You must expect a 90% failure rate.  And you have to be able to support yourself and put in the time and effort through those periods.  And then the successes you do get might not be in as large a project as you can do if you are in a group.   Individuals simply can not do large tasks.  That takes large, well coordinated groups.

But that’s not something that a want-to-be self employed entrepreneur wants or cares to hear.  He doesn’t care.  He wants 100 percent of something that is his, instead of 20% of something that is someone elses, and the bottom line is not financial.  It’s emotional.  As Daffy Duck always said “Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine mine mine mine mine mine mine!”

So I’m of the impression that of the interns who left to go find their own “Mine!” that they didn’t forge successful companies.  I’m of the impression that we would have done much better as a group.

It just takes so damn long.  To someone in his twenties, even six months is a long time.  One year seems like forever.  Two or three?  That’s starting to be a big fraction of their adult lives.

To a guy like me who has cycled through many businesses over decades, two years is just the beginning for one business.  You can’t expect much of anything before that.  Business takes lots of effort, and lots of time.  And lots of people collaborating their time and effort.  Continuously.  There are no quick fix get rich schemes to go after.  That’s almost never what business is about.

Somehow I’m going to have to get back to having westerners collaborating on my businesses.  Especially I need writers and perhaps also people to help with video production.

I have no idea how I’m going to even approach that problem.  No idea.  I can’t make the same old mistakes.

Nobody loves you when you’re down and out

Decades ago I took my imported Javanese girlfriend and two other people on a road trip to Padre Island to sell my Jewelry on spring break.

I hung out there for a few days before splitting up the team and heading off to Florida with my girl to also try selling our stuff on the beaches and at a Harley Davidson raley.

Sales were dismal in both locations and that had a profound effect on my business.  My girlfriend kept playing Eric Clapton’s “Nobody loves you when you are down and out” song over and over on the car stereo, and started to treat me like shit.

I learned a valuable lesson that month.  Don’t show weakness.

I’m rewatching the HBO drama series Boss.  I’ve recommended it before.  In the first episode the Boss, the Mayor of Chicago, is asked by a top aid if he is feeling ok.

“How long have you been working for me?”

“Eight years, sir.”

“Eight years.  Don’t ever ask me that question again.”

He was not feeling ok.  He’d been diagnosed with Lewi Bodies, a type of progressive dementia.  As a seasoned career polititian at the top of his game he knew enough to not show weakness.

I’ve recently had to relearn this lesson.

A few months ago I had troubles with one of my girls.  She’d been causing tons of drama and that’s just the start of it.  I stopped fucking her or giving her money for a while as punishment, but then needed her help to replace an ATM card.  She came over and I got drunk and ripped into her about how bad her behaviour was, and I woke up the next morning to her gone, along with the ATM and 2 grand of my money.  That hit me hard during a time that I was having a temporary cash flow crunch.

Later I went to Bali and had three laptops stolen.  I’d neglected to backup my files and lost some info worth another 4 grand or so.  The laptops must have cost me at least 2 grand.

That loss was also depressing.

When you have a girl, or a crew, the tendency and first instinct is to share the stress.  To commisserate.

Gong.  Buzz.  Fail.  Wrong choice.

A leader has to suck it up and shut his pie hole.  Everything is fine, until it is better than fine.  That’s his job.  To maintain confidence.

I like to watch movies and documentaries and histories and biographies with an eye on learning lessons.  Some people don’t think it’s possible to learn lessons from fictional dramas, but I disagree.  Writers of fiction need to distill the essense of the human condition, and this distillation can be more valuable than raw data.  We get people’s take on how we relate.  Boss is full of real life valuable info, even it is entirely fictional.

In the biographies I watch I always see personal development.  Leaders or writers or artists are not born great.  It takes time and effort and dilligence.  And they are always flawed characters.  Always.  People tend to specialize in what they are good at, and nobody is great at everything.

I stumbled upon being some sort of leader through learning dominance with girls, and through developing my business to include staff.  Through trial and failure I’ve had to learn from my mistakes.  Now it’s come to pass that I have to take this issue seriously.  I need to study how to lead, and get good at it.

The girl that I’ve been fucking regularly the longest met me last night.  We’ve been seeing each other for six years, 2.5 of that living together.  All her family keeps trying to hook her up with new guys.  The admonish her harshly to never see me again.  After all I refuse to marry her and I won’t stop seeing my other girlfriends!  And she was working at a job where she got hit on 50 times a day by locals and tourists, but she came back from her home town the day I did to meet me back in Java.  She’s still in love with me and can’t leave me.  She can’t.

And yet our sex life lately is horribly hit or miss.  It used to be spectacular.  So last night I told her that I couldn’t fuck her anymore – she just wasn’t wet enough, and it was too often.  She had to admit that our sex was nothing like it used to be.  I told her that it was my fault.  She’s different than other girls – her pussy only gets activated after her heart is, and it’s always horribly heartbreaking for her that I see other girls.  So she can’t really give her heart to me fully.

And yet she can’t give her heart to anyone else.  She’s still, after all these years, totally stuck on me.

This morning she climbed on top of me, and then I flipped her on her back.  Somethings wrong with her vaginal lining and sex lately seems to always be painful for her.  Is it an infection?  Is she just not wet enough?  I don’t know.  But damn it I need to fuck her HARD.  Even if it hurts her.  At one point I grabbed her by the hair, pulled, and demanded “say I love you Daddy”.  She barely complied.  “Say it again!”  Again and again I demanded it and as she said it she came and came.  It’s kind of a conditioned response by now, as whenever she comes the word Daddy gets mentioned in one way or another.

So I told her again the same as I told her last night.  Chose chicken or fish from the menu.  Either love me 100 percent, give your full body mind and soul to me, or just don’t love me at all.  None of this wishy washy fifty percent bullshit.  If you want me at all then I will love you in my way.  That means I will tell you do this, do this, do this, and you must do exactly what I say.  I will fuck you whenever I want.  You will belong to me and do what I say.

She agreed.

It’s the only way she can be happy.

She needs a dominant leader, and I’m not doing my job with her unless I give her that.  She can’t enjoy sex unless she’s properly owned.  Nobody else seems to be able to own her in the way she needs, so it’s on me.

The story with her is related to not showing weakness.  It’s related to how a person learns his trade, slowly, over years.

Sometimes I see an actor in his earlier movies and can see how he used to hardly be able to act.  The same people later in their careers can be incredibly good.

Leadership is just one more thing to learn.  Like charisma.  It takes time, and you have to focus on the craft of it.

What I had to learn again these last few months is this:

Never show your weakness.  Don’t confide in any friends or any lovers.  Don’t share the stress.

Male team members and conflict

I was watching a documentary on The Who again last night.  This time around I noticed how the band members related to each other over the years, despite intense and sometimes physical conflicts.

Some of the band members had gigantic substance abuse problems.  This was bound to at times exacerbate conflicts; I know that when I drink too much I can say some stupid things that cause me no end of trouble.  Some of these guys added coke and heroin and speed and lsd and everything else they could to the mix, at life threatening and even eventually mortal doses.

And yet when the basist, John Entwistle, had extravagantly blown through all his money, the bandmates got together for another tour.  Just to help him out.  Pete Townsend put it succintly “Where would I be without him?”

At the end of the documentary, Roger Daltry says of his relationship to Pete, “No matter where we are in our relationship ups and downs, what matters most is that once we are on stage we collaborate beautifully and make thousands of people happy”.

Throughout the documentary Pete mentioned several times that his personality could not have been more different than any of the other band mates.  He hinted at friction and possibly even dislike.  But he also talked about how dearly he loved them, and how they were there for each other, no matter what.  And the ones who died he missed them horribly.

Guys work best together when they are collaborating on something.  Guys can bond and have each others backs.  There will be petty squabbles, and sometimes even gigantic blow ups.  Differences of opinion or even just plain stress can lead guys to come to physical blows.

But when you are in a team, you get bonded, and you don’t sweat the small stuff.  The point is you’ve got each others backs.  The point is your collaboration.

Being visionary is emotional

Studies have been done that show that emotions play a crucial role in our decision making process.  The studies don’t show that emotions get in the way of rational thinking, but that rational thinking is not possible and can’t happen without emotions.

I was watching a documentary on brain studies last night that explained that, so don’t have a handy link to back up the info.

People have different thinking styles and personality styles. Who and how I am is profoundly visionary.  What I am is to the core visionary.  In every possible way I try to build up visions for what the world is, and then create new realities of what the world could be.

On the last day that I saw Mat I offered him some shrooms, in the hope that a shared trip would be a way to bond.  During that trip I tried to explain the core fundamental cares in my life.  I talked about how I get immense pleasure from bonding with and controlling my girls.  I mentioned chi-kung and my music.  And then I tried to talk about how I am a visionary, and that this way of thinking and being is different from how most other people live and organize their lives.

I don’t think the shrooms helped us to bond that day, and as usual I talked too much and was a poor listener.  The rest of the day my stomach hurt a lot and all the shrooms seemed to do was to give me a mild case of the Alzheimers.  During that beach walk I doubt I was able to express what I dearly wanted to express.

As a businessman I must create an intricate vision.  This is no small thing.  Most people are constitutionally incapable of holding so many pieces of information in their minds at once.  Thinking is not only fundamentally an emotional event, it’s also fundamentally creative.  You create associations between ideas and images and words and abstractions that had never yet been associated.

So as a businessman I MUST and do get intensely emotionally involved with my business, and my vision.  My business is HUGELY important to me.  It is not only what I do, but who I am.

I am not on the sidelines having an out of body experience when I fuck my girls.  I am embodied, and I am.  I AM fucking that girl.


There is no separation between me and the fucking.

There is no separation between me and the life that I create around myself.

I AM my businesses.

I AM a visionary, and I do create my world, to the maximum that is possible.  I can’t re-write physics, but within whatever limits I must work with, I will have maximum impact on this world.

Some people occasionally say things like “don’t worry about it”.  That’s a fundamentally ignorant stance.  That’s like telling someone who’s father just died not to grieve.  People grieve, and there is no way around it.

A businessman is invested emotionally in his business.  It is not a hobby. It’s his life.  It’s his being – who and how and what he is.


So I’ve been borderline depressed lately.  Several of my plans rely on a good western writer, and I don’t have one anymore, so that throws my business affairs into disarray.  Financially I’m doing fine, and this will give me a chance to regroup and come back better prepared and stronger, however my plan of attack at this point was to bring all resources to attack at once, with exact just in time timing.  The tech market changes fast, and I don’t feel that I have the luxury of patience; I must act immediately in all things.  Even when that means stretching my resources up to and past their limit, relying on future earnings to hire people now.  It’s working by the way.  Some new staff out earned their salaries by an order of magnitude, and that’s not counting all the projects that are still under R&D but are close to fruition.

As I haven’t reconfigured my business vision, I’m still emotionally discombobulated.  Depressed would be an accurate word.  A buddy from Jakarta saw my post and gave me a ring, which was quite thoughtful.  Little touches like that can make a difference.  And my girls have been an immense comfort.

I have been seeing a new one these last few days.  I spent a few days online and after contacting hundreds of girls managed to get one date.  I had to fly her out from across the country, but she’s been a great sport.  Fucking her up the ass and calling her a bitch and whore while she comes and comes on my cock is a great mood lifter.  “Good bitch!”  God I love a woman who knows how to fuck.  None of this “don’t insult me” nonsense.

She tries to call me honey, but corrects herself and calls me Daddy more often.

Life can be so simple that way.  Just meet, and 30 minutes later be naked, and 30 minutes later again be fucking.  Immediately fall into the boyfriend girlfriend routine.  Teach her to be submissive.  Treat like a queen sometimes and a little whore slut at others.  Simple.  Like putting on a glove for the first time – of course it fits.  Why wouldn’t it?

She wants my babies.  I wouldn’t mind, really.  Babies are cheap enough out here.  I’m starting to think about just haphazardly knocking up lots of girls.

She’s 26 and has a great body.  For a 26 year old.  I’ve been spoiled by dating teenagers.  I’m going to keep looking for new teenagers.  God I love teenagers.