Ethics matching your core

Rambling diary post of icky personal goo. Not a self help post, or a how to. An explanation of a current identity crisis.

I’ve been watching Bombard’s youtube channel of body language analysis. I started off with the Russel Brand analysis, and just kept going. Soon I came upon this:

which shows Joe Biden being creepy. Sorry – it’s not only a shame word used by girls against low value men hitting on them – it’s a real thing. See if you don’t agree.

Bombard doesn’t hide her beliefs during her commentaries. During one she explains that those with a core morality related to a higher power can display a greater solidity of confidence.

I translated her idea into one with more meaning to me, and was reminded of recently coming off a strong medicinal Ketamine trip, realizing that I do identify with strong core beliefs – or rather a strong core identity, of being essentially love.

I think the higher power idea of her’s is superfluous, and once that’s removed her idea remains, even stronger.

Feeling that core identity is not a woosy temporary feeling brought on by moods or events or hormones; it’s a core idendity.

And yet, sometimes I’ve found myself, somewhat to my surprise, looking a lover in the face, and responding repeatedly with a flat faced lie, when asked if I was seeing any other girls.

It’s been explained to me, and I’ve seen first hand, that infidelity can lead to great anguish. I’ve felt it myself sometimes too.

Recently I’ve had to try to figure this all out. It’s a type of quandary that is cognitive dissonance, which really needs to be sorted out. While trying to figure out how I can flat faced lie to women that I love, and fuck around despite their protestations, I wrote this:

Competing interests means that relationships by nature are inherently flawed and partial. There is no conception or accurate mental map of a healthy working relationship where everyones needs are largely met in an ongoing way, because that situation does not happen to human beings.

We want from others what they can not provide out of their own free will and desire, long term. And we resent the impositions of the wants of others.

That’s the world we are incarnated into, choicelessly.

I think the statements are true, and somewhat insightful, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that this was an Adams Family morbid take on the facts. There MUST be a better way to spin the facts, into something workable! MUST BE!

What a horrible quandary, if it were true that all at once:
1) I have a core basic identity of love
2) Also have a core basic identity of being an individual who can’t compromise on wanting non-monogamy sometimes, and can’t know when I’ll want that.
3) That this will cause pain to those that I love.

What a mess!

I tried to resolve it by remembering how non-monogamy worked very well with Kiki, and realizing the details required by me for a mate.

To continue with the problem solving;

The body language vids remind of how much better it feels to be honest. And according to Bombard, people can tell when you’re lying anyway.

Actually, in my defence, it must be said that most of the fundamentals that I’ve said on this blog, I’ve also said to everyone I’ve ever dated. I’ve explained my personality and sexual philosophies in unabashed explicit detail more than once to V. She’s also found evidence of me being with girls, and broken up with me about it not once, not twice, but three times. And with most other girls if I did not want to have a discussion about painful truths, I’d remain silent, and not be forced into the corner of a lie.

It came to pass that in order to be with her, I had two choices. Stop seeing other girls, or lie. So at first I lied. Then I tried to stop seeing other girls, but that did not fix the problem. That actually could be the subject of many more posts; that’s a big deal.

So I TRIED to have an honest relationship, and I TRIED to be explicit and show every last square inch of my real self to her.

On her part, being in love, she was compelled to be with me, if at all possible, and me making repeated promises to reform was enough. For a while. Until the REAL problem started to become more obvious; being faithful is NOT the cure; it’s only an ACTION.

I started with the Biden video, to point out that there is such a thing as innappropriate behaviour, and that my quote about how it’s all a dog eat dog world anyway is no excuse for overstepping boundaries.

And yet…

Seduction includes overstepping boundaries, and then stepping back waiting for her to lean in, over and over. Sometimes people don’t really know what’s best for them at first, and will later thank tough-love. Girls will complain about the bad boy, but constantly go back to him and give the good boys their tears on shoulders. And so forth. No black and white.

But lying to a girl who has carefully explained that she’ll be traumatized and heartbroken if you cheat…

I’m trying to wrap my head around it. I don’t really feel guilty – somehow my belief system has allowed for that.

But my belief system is also somewhat at odds with my core.

I don’t even really know how I’m going to sort this out.

I did try the honesty route at first, but it led to a break up with a girl I’m really into and rely on and who is not easy to replace.

And on her part of course she was trying to manipulate me into unspeakable unhappiness (litterally monogamy is a hell that can’t be spoken of), so it was a type of type of war of love, where there will be winners and losers, if together. And loses for both if apart. There was no win-win situation there.

Ya, I’m just going to have to leave it at that. I can’t remember ever writing a blog post out where I didn’t already have a crystalized answer.

The answer to this one might take a while.

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3 comments about the Trait openness – required in a mate

These are unedited rough comments. It would take much effort to polish them up into a post, and frankly I feel they are only for a very select elite audience, who could probably take value from them as they are:

—————-

A very related post to your comment:

https://freedomandfulfilment.com/psychedelics-personality-traits-values-research/

It reminds us of the research that showed that shrooms increase the personality trait of openness to new experience.

That personality trait is the one that I pointed out that I probably need in order to have a proper relationship with a girl.

It’s something I hadn’t much thought of before, other than as an appreciation when I see it.

But ya, it’s basically impossible for me to be serious with someone who does not score highly on openness.

I like my blowjobs in the Taxi cab, thank you very much.

Low openness is also correlated with having ideas set in stone – something that disgusts me.

If someone is totally anti-drug, it means they are basically anti discovery.

You know, I can still enjoy their company. But a serious lifetime deep pair-bond?

Completely out of the question.

Yes, many of us do score highly in the openness category, and view those who don’t as, quite simply, zombies.

Not alive.

People who breathe but don’t really fully exist. They aren’t actually really here.

They are in their security. That unchanging place that they “know” about.

Zombies, who rely on people like me (and the other cultural creatives) for brains.

***
“Drugs are bad, Mkay”. Zombie.

I haven’t dated a girl lately who would have willingly done that ketamine trip, or who would not have totally completely freaked out during it.

They would be HUGELY frightened of it, and see absolutely no value in it at all.

Zoooommmmmmmbbbbbiiiieeeeees.

————–
In summary:
1) I like small girls, and it’s not something I can diminish. If I want to be serious long term with someone, they had damn well better be my physical match, because when the going gets rough, and it always does, you need the base physical attraction as the consistent relationship glue. A girl can be perfectly sexy, and just slightly bigger than my type, and it makes a difference. I like small. A LOT. I can have an entire many year relationship based on little more than that the girl is small and has great tits, or hips, or face, or some feature that also makes me hard just to look at her. Oh, smell is also important, but it’s not something I can describe. There are a few smells that scream out to my brain that this girl is THE ONE. Two girls had that incredibly strongly. Kiki strongly. One girl smelled very wrong.

Most smell fine, but I don’t pay much attention to it. On our first date the reason I was so into N17 was exactly her smell. Drove me into a swoon. Of course physically she was also quite my type, even with her permanently adolescent firm little titties.

Physical things like that makes a huge difference to me, like it or not. It’s choiceless. They aren’t just icing on the cake of companionship.

I can’t call either the body nor the personality the cake, or the icing – but I know one thing for sure – the body is more than just icing.

Couples PHYSICALLY pair bond. There is literal chemistry involved, and even if they completly hate each other, if there is a strong physical chemistry, they can be nailed together like ardox spiral spikes into hardwood.

Great companionate pair bonding is great companionate pair bonding. Great. But a different thing.

2) openness to experience is a trait that without, I simply can’t respect a girl or take her seriously. I’ll always feel as if I’m humoring a child, with everything I say. And that no matter what I say, it will never get through the barriers of fear to actually be heard. Exactly like talking to a religious fanatic about science, or anything. No matter how “smart” they are, without strong openness to experience, I’ll consider them fundamentally broken and stupid. Caring about ALL the wrong things, for ALL the wrong reasons. Social puppets – worrying about what OTHER people think, and scared little mice, forever scurrying away from any pain or discomfort or novelty.

Openness to experience girl:
“I know it might not last forever, but I love him”

Low openness to experience girl:
“I’m afraid he’ll eventually break my heart, so I better call it off now”.

*************

Renfrew said:

Actually, he has a good essay online about jealousy. Let me find it….

Here (jealousy in practice):
https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousypractice.html

And here (jealousy in theory):
https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousytheory.html

Interesting articles.

I used to read up on everything that I could get my hands on regarding non-monogamy when I first started experimenting with it back in 2004.

It’s not a new field, of course, so there was plenty of good material to learn from.

Interesting points about wanting people who already “just get it”, and how this probably means that they are already long practiced relationship geeks.

I always find myself bringing up Kiki. When people say that sluts can’t bond, I bring up Kiki – a girl who had had hundreds of cocks, but who bonded more and treated me better than any other girl before or since.

I don’t think that exceptions prove the rule. I think that exceptions disprove the rule.

Obviously.

A girl like Kiki forces us to totally re-write what the rules are. It’s like one small signal in a radio telescope forcing physicists to rewrite what are the underlying forces of reality.

It makes no difference how MANY signals there are.

Girls don’t lose the ability to bond based on numbers; they lose the ability to bond with people who are less attractive and compelling than the best mate that they’ve ever had in the past.

Totally different.

The same data can be interpreted both ways, UNLESS you include the so called “exceptions to the rule”.

Usually people who say that exceptions prove the rule are simply saying “Nothing that you could possibly say will change my fixed opinion. So there.”

I don’t think she’d ever heard of the term polyamory.

And it’s kind of true that I want a girl who already just get’s it. But that’s not quite right.

The guy who wrote the articles you referenced says that communication is essential to good relationships.

In my relationship with V I absolutely refused all relationship talk. “I want to HAVE a relationship, not talk about one.”

I had to do that, because talking with her was completely counter productive. “Talking about insecurity only makes it WORSE. Not better. Worse!”

Because for her, it did.

You’d need not only a well developed rationality, but also an INTEGRATED rationality.

Very few people have a well developed rationality. V’s rationality is middling.

Usually what happens is that people can be rational exactly up to the boundary where their emotions start. Then rationality COMPLETELY and UTTERLY breaks down. And is not sought for, as if it’s a rock in stormy seas, but very actively sought against, as if it’s the stormy seas bashing against a rock.

With such people, it’s completely backwards to say that open discussion is essential to a healthy relationship. Open discussion will DESTROY the relationship!

But for Openness people, it’s not even a matter of trying to re-arrange their memes, or to get their memes and emotions to be able to speak nicely without shouting at each other.

Kiki already had emotions that took delight in her partners delight, and she felt extremely fulfilled and extremely bonded. Safely and securely so.

No discussion or training was required, not because she was a poly expert. Not any sort of relationship geek.

She was just extremely open to new experiences, extremely sexual, extremely romantic, etc. Her emotions were already there – no long journey of intellectual and self exploration or training required.

And if she had required some explorations, from what I could see, she’d not have had huge earthquake upheavals of memes vs emotions, rationality vs primal instincts. She’d lean in with her heart – then find security using that organ of perception.

V couldn’t do that, because her fear and her heart never got distinguished from each other. She thinks that they are the same thing.

Kiki was simply less afraid, and so didn’t have to tease apart what was merely fear, and what was an accurate perception of her heart.

Which I suppose is why I recently commented that being very high on Openness is crucial, for me, to have a healthy bonded relationship with someone.

It doesn’t really matter how smart or relationship geeky someone is, if they don’t score high in openness, because their fear will always over-whelm their rationality.

I think that guy was WAY WAY WAY too optimistic about peoples ability to change.

Fix the fridge? Really? In what universe is THAT ever going to happen! People don’t actually do any sort of psychological change – even with very expensive therapy and very hard trying. Not really. A VERY VERY VERY few, very motivated people do. But not people people.

HE could change. That’s extremely unusual, and yes, relationship geeky.

Not everyone needs or can do that integration of rationality with instinct. Some people can work using the emotions themselves, and get to a better place.

Doing that requires, and is perhaps even the definition of, the personality trait of openness to new experiences.

It’s exploring, with curiosity, as a purpose in and of itself. Deliberate groundlessness, as an essence of what is important, as if it were Truth, or Love, or Beauty itself.

It is that personality trait, not an intellectual and rigorous personality restructuring, that is pragmatic and actually happens, realistically.

I think his viewpoint is really just a diary and wishful thinking.

It’s like saying, “Enlightenment is possible, and this is how I got Enlightened, and you can too”.

Cha, right! Gigantic Buddhist communities, thousands and thousands of people every year doing their damned best, learning by example, reading, meditating. What percentage actually reach the same level, or anything nearly remotely close to the same level, as the authentic teachers?

Yes, it’s nearly trivial to point out that jealousy is insecurity. Big fat woop-ti-do deal. Twelve insights like that still won’t buy a cup of coffee. Won’t change a flat tire. Won’t DO anything.

Not very far off from getting stoned and being all wowed out that we might very well be living inside a simulation. Wow! Far out! Nothing changes.

In fact that type of self help advice can be dangerous, because it’s all totally true, and seems so attainable. Ya, for yourself, maybe it could be. But for OTHERS? Fat chance. Very fat.

And his articles read like couples counseling, to one half of the couple. There is an unspoken expectation that both in the couple will want to and be able to do this; because if not then of course the advice is nothing other than accurate. Uselessly accurate. Big deal.

When I was a teenager, I used to very regularly try to get lost. Very deliberately ignore every fence.

I considered it a very important meditation – a way to restructure my personality.

I didn’t know exactly why I felt so strongly that this was an important thing to do – but I instinctually realized that this was a completely crucial action in order to develop and mature into a proper human.

When V once got a little bit lost driving her car back from a distant beach, she was in a gigantic full body panic.

I, of course, quite enjoyed it.

I love being lost. So much so that I don’t even think that there even really is such a thing as being lost. There is just temporarily being disoriented, which is quite a fun adventure.

My whole personality really WAS properly changed, by those teenage walks. It really WAS crucial personal self development.

I had that as a core, instinctual, fundamental personal value. I didn’t know why I had it. Same like I don’t know why I value Truth more than others do.

I just do.

I need people who just get THAT.

Not non-monogamy.

That.

*******************

When I was that teenager, hopping over fences into restricted industrial and private areas, going for very long walks by myself, all of my friends and aquaintances thought that I was nuts. Even the more adventurous among them could not tune into the notion that this was a type of full bodied meditation. In fact I don’t think any of my friends really had any understanding of what meditation was about at all.

So in terms of openness, I was a top, deliberately spinning itself faster.

I was ALREADY a spinning top, in a world of blocks and rectangles and triangles.

On top of that I was doing self hypnosis by age 12, daily meditation by age 16, LSD and mushrooms by age 17. And every lsd trip was a mystical experience.

Then by age 21 I was living full time in a Buddhist monastery, when not on long 8 or 11 week unsupervised solitary meditation retreats deep in forests where no human came close. I have first hand experience of Enlightenments detailed explicitly in Buddhist texts, and not for the span of a Samadhi, but for spans of days, weeks, and once months. Then by my mid twenties I’d started up a strong Chi-Kung practice, to develop on the spontaneous kundalini and kundalini sex that started at age 22, that had my spine constantly ablaze.

They say that shrooms increases the openness trait, but ONLY to those who have mystical experiences with them.

Every time I’ve done LSD or Shrooms in a group I’ve always been completely astounded at the fucking buffoonery.

Why aren’t these people even REMOTELY like me? Where are their mystical experiences?

I had a group of interns out here a few years ago, all in my villa in Bali one night, and I went out and risked the danger of purchasing loads of shrooms, drove back carrying, and treated them all. I took twice as high a dose as anyone else.

They wound up all screaming like lunatics, at the amazing things crawling around in the bushes. At how their toothbrush was moving. Screaming at the top of their lungs all night long. A total waste of a trip, and it disturbed the neighbors.

I just left them alone, went to my room and had quiet time with my girlfriend. Played piano a bit. Enjoyed her company. To her I was not acting at all strange. Occasionally I’d go out and say hi to my buddies, and they were amazed that I was acting all normal and hi-how-do-you-do.

I haven’t done shrooms in years, so I doubt it was a tolerance thing, exactly. I think I just have a tolerance for being in mentally and physically different universes.

When I see people screaming at the bushes, bonding as bros over shared hallucinations, and saying WOW over and over and over, I think to myself “You fools. That’s not what shrooms are FOR!”

Trips like that, according to the literature, won’t have the hugely valuable effect of increasing their trait of Openness.

They just totally wasted it. And shrooms, I believe, are damaging. You don’t want to do them often. Use each trip well – it’s not free.

Back to Kiki – the outlier girl with the incredibly high openness to experience.

Probably a huge reason why she fell so hard in love with me is because I’m also an extreme outlier, and she could go through several lifetimes without meeting anyone else like me.

After the literal hundreds of cocks, she found one cock in a haystack different than the rest. That made me REALLY special. Way more special than if she had been a virgin bonding for the first time. I was more than her first; I was her last. She wanted to die with me and have every possible eternity with me. I was it ; she’d found IT.

At 16 or so I was walking alone through forests at midnight and oil refineries at 5am, but at 13 she was at airports picking up tricks.

Talk about openness to experience! Can you imagine!

Most people would think both of us totally off of our rockers. I’ve got to give the girl credit though. When I was 13 through 15 my libido was off the charts – I had to masturbate in the changing rooms when clothes shopping – and at every possible opportunity. I had to take whole days off of school to masturbate all day long.

Kiki was a match for that, and she went trolling for adults at airports. Genius. And the BALLS it must have taken! I mean, who does that?

I haven’t seen any 13 year old girls trolling the airport lately.

Those years are very formative, and she was a spinning top, spinning herself faster.

By the time we’d met, she was 26 and had a good well paying full time career, advancing on her merits. She was bright and very sociable. I put her to work on my own tasks, and she was very capable – more so than any girl I’ve dated since, especially in that she took joy in her work – in OUR work.

She quit that career the day of meeting me. She simply visited me for one date, and never left my apartment.

Why would she? Of course she stayed. She’d found her cock in a haystack. I was a HUGE difference than the others. And she simply fit me like a glove. All easy peasy natural, no effort.

Two spinning tops, spinning each other now. The antics we used to get up to! Hillarious.

Blow jobs in every taxi ride, kinky sex on the roof, her titties hanging over the balcony for the security guards to see (and gossip about), fingerings at all food joints. A favorite game was the wide swing Hollywood slap to her face in crowded restaurants. We were a menace to polite society, as if it was our duty to that society.

And it WAS our duty. Shake up all the squares.

Spin the blocks. See if anyone could come close, just for 5 seconds, to enter the world of one of the spinning tops.

hahaha. Almost never.

We were the only tops out there.

kikio

Arousal doesn’t come in discreet laser focused packets

Telling a guy not to look at other girls is telling him to tampen down his sexuality.

A man’s sexuality is a fire. Not a laser beam.

It’s either a big fire, or a small one.

If you succeed in tampening down his fire and get him to self regulate looking at hotties while you are both out, you won’t get fucked as much.

Your own damn fault.

And then it will just be a vicious circle creating larger and larger spirals of insecurity.

“Why isn’t he choking me in bed anymore? Why has it been days since we last had sex? Is he over me?”

Your growing insecurity will quite naturally also be a turn off. Neither men nor women like needy insecure vibes.

You want more sex and him him to be into you more?

Then get him horny IN GENERAL.

There is NO SUCH THING as horny in particular.

If you want a guy to improve his appetite and eat more, you can’t just keep making better and better hamburgers. There is no such thing as focused hunger. A favorite food is as good as you’ll ever get, so grow up.

Make him enjoy the very process of being hungry and eating.

Then be around when he’s ready to eat.

One close mate seemed to take some pleasure in my broad and never ending unfocused sexual arousal, and would even follow behind me several steps sometimes when we went out, in case I wanted to hit on other girls with her there. Kiki. She was anti-jealous, and very secure, and not only not troubled by my broad sexual desire, she harnessed it perfectly for her own benefit.

We both quite enjoyed my unfocused libido – it certainly got very focused upon her for several screamingly intense hours each and every day.

… an old joke about Calvin Coolidge when he was President … The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

More from Wikipedia:

In biology and psychology, the Coolidge effect is a phenomenon seen in mammalian species whereby males (and to a lesser extent females) exhibit renewed sexual interest if introduced to new receptive sexual partners,[1][2][3][4] even after cessation of sex with prior but still available sexual partners. The evolutionary benefit to this phenomenon is that a male can fertilize multiple females. The male may be reinvigorated repeatedly for successful insemination of multiple females.[5]

Related: You would want and need more sex if you had more young girls in your life now.

And this advice would only be useful to girls who already score very high on openness to new experiences personality trait. Please see this comment for why much relationship adivce is counter productive and gives too much hope, because it assumes WAY too much capability from other people.

I used to be an angel, until my mask fell off

Chat conversation today with a friendly attractive girl who has a boyfriend:

What’s her name? The girl with the long black hair?

My friend, N. I’m single.
No ring.
Not married means single, right?

hahaha yeah that’s true in a formal way (papers and document) things

That’s maybe not really true in casual way. Some people called it relationships, or can be affair, or something else.

What do you call it when there is no monogamy contract?
We don’t even have a word yet…
Oh ya. Open relationship.
That’s it.
Similar to single, but less lonely.

But also in open relationship, both part know that they are in an open relationship, like in “polygamy way”.

Yup

So, single different than open relationship, then?

I guess the same, except not alone

Well, in my point of view, it’s different between “single” and “open relationship”

I guess so. Open relationship people have a hard time with rules, it seems.

yeah, sounds complicated!

Better stories to look back on in old age.

But you were in “relationship” before (with V), right? Or what?

Yes, I was.
Tried to be a good boy, too.

It was “relationship”, not “open relationship”??

Ya

How’s it being a good boy?

Mostly good. For a while.
How’s it being a good girl?

Mostly good. Feel like an angel.

Angels are the best to corrupt.

That’s stupid angel. There are also smart angel.

Smart Angel always appears angelic

Like what?

hehe. Either to only others, or maybe even to herself.
Either way, it’s a nice game to play. A nice mask.

So, you mean, smart angel is just a mask?

What do you think?

Not in general. Mostly yep, just mask. but some are really smart and angelic, just a few, so few.

Ya, I used to be.
Until my mask fell off. Before that I didn’t even know it was a mask!

You used to be what?

An angel.
Real one

But your mask fell off?

Ya. Thank God!

You believe in god?

Thank goodness!

seriously lol

Social and romantic expectations are insidious infections of the Borg

I had a great day at the beach today.

I just lay there, enjoying a fantastic parade of eye candy, with a 22 year old hottie who loves me curled up against me, holding my stiff dick.

Krauser blew off Bali too casually. Today was an incredible day for tourist girls on the beach.

I was content, and immersed.

And it hit me hard what a gigantic juxtaposition this was from being out with V.

The last time I was out on the beach with V, she got hugely insecure about my wandering eyes, questioned me repeatedly and in detail about them, and I was forced into a long tirade about how a man is a man and of course I want to fuck other girls, and she would not even be into me if I didn’t. And that not only do I like looking at the fuckable, but get pleasure from looking at children. Couples. People I want to fuck, and people I don’t. People.

Every question she posed was merely a probe to confirm her suspicions, no answer I gave was the “correct” one. What a fucked up day that was – one written into the books as “do not repeat”.

I never once took her out again after that. Must have been at least 4 months ago. And I never told her why I didn’t take her out. I’d send her pictures of me at the beach alone, and she’d get so jealous that I’d go there by myself! I just knew if I took out in public again it would be a constant unspoken battle of wills, her trying to guilt trip me into keeping my gaze rigidly not looking at exactly what I wanted to look at.

Humans are social, and we become the Borg, even when we very consciously try our damnedest to retain our individuality.

Her expectations of me, her guilt tripping me into being “respectful” had an imprisoning effect on me that was unavoidable. Respectful=”Think of me, not yourself. YOU are being selfish for not following MY selfish orders to think of my feelings first like I tell you to”.

It was a full day long sigh of relief to be free of that that constant mind-fuck guilt trip that somehow had managed to infect me like an STD that snuck past the condom. To be ME again!

So many beautiful girls to look at. What a delightful day. And such a hottie little girl right beside me – easily a match for just about any girl on the beach.

I once dated an 8 teenager beauty queen who threw this shit-test at me over Whatsapp one day “And since you are so into my hotness, it would mean that you wouldn’t want to fuck around”.

She was 17, but like many super hot girls had insights into the sexual marketplace that guys in their mid forties are only just cluing into. She knew her statement was pure bullshit. It was a shit test – a compliance test. A test to see if I’d say “Myes Dear!”. To see how weak willed I was against the immense Borgifying power of her hotness.

I’ve laughed out loud right in girls faces before when they said the same to me. How absurd! Hahaha! No matter how super hot the girl is, no matter how many times you’ve had universe destroying sex, no matter how in love and bonded, of COURSE fucking other girls would ALSO be great!

Perfect decompression from all that noise today. A hot girl, holding my dick, my eyes enjoying other hot girls, warmth and contentment and love oozing out of me and into the receptive girl whose presence kept me hard all day. Beautiful weather, lovely day. All was right with the world.

And I healed myself from being Borgified.

My eyes took pleasure, naturally, as they SHOULD.

Any girl who gets freaked out by that should not be brought to the beach, plain and simple.

Not brought out in public at all, really. Who needs the guilt trip? It’s a mind fuck that erodes a man’s soul. Really – it is.

It’s time to say it. Don’t pan-handle with your questions.

Probably a cool guy asking a normal question asks:

Are you ok with a woman cheating on you? Just wondering.

Just wondering if you read the blog post.

An aside:

There was a long time commentor here who used to only ask questions, for a few years, until one day I mentioned that I thought he was asking for more value than he was contributing, and suggested that he contribute more of his own thoughts and insights and opinions, instead of purely restricting himself to asking questions.

I think he felt that insulting, and stopped commenting here.

There are some types of questions that are even more value asking than others. Because the questions are opaque to the questioners position, and don’t really provoke insight. Some questions are good and by themselves provoke insight.

Your question falls hard into the category of asking without giving.

I don’t want to be rude, and probably shouldn’t single you or this question out as an example, but it’s something that happens all the time with commentors.

I feel they take the blog poster for granted. Some of my companions do the same; always asking questions, probing me, but rarely if ever telling their own stories.

I think that discourse is a social bargain of fair trade.

So here’s how I would word your question;

I understand this part of your post “quote”, but am not clear if it also means that you don’t also get jealous. And jealousy aside, what about ethics? Oops! Sorry – I see that you already very clearly talked about that, both in the main post, and the comment section! My bad!

My feelings on it are this “asdfasdfasd”, and this is why “asdfasdfasfd” and this happened in my life recently that is an example of my feelings and insights, and here “asdfasdfasdf” is where our ideas might seem at odds.

I put a lifetime of personal development crafting myself into the person who would be capable to write such a post, then put in careful time and expert well developed energy into writing it.

And in return for that I get what? That brief opaque question that was already answered in full?

It’s very lazy and I’d say borders on rude. Very similar to pan-handling without offering even a marble in return.

Also, cheating is a loaded adjecto-verb. Infidelity and cheating mean two different things, so you’d have to spend quite a lot more time crafting a careful question if you want to communicate in a fair two-directional exchange.

Again, sorry to single you out – I’m sure we’d get along great and you meant no disrespect, and I know we share similar lifestyles and you’re a long time reader. I’m just using your comment as a spring board to talk about an issue.

Why calling her a bitch makes you love and respect her MORE

Most of us are not terribly interested in growing up. Society remains at a child’s level of development, and we feel that we may as well be also – it’s the norm and correct.

So when we love someone, usually we actually just love what we want them to be. As soon as our idealized version of who they are is untenable due to them acting as a normal, separate, human being, we fault them, and then have a PERSONAL crisis of identity. We can’t remain in love, and instead becomes a person who hates.

We’ve all seen it and heard it countless times. Each partner has promised monogamy, each is getting some on the side, and each is furious with the other.

A stable identity is not something to take for granted. A huge chunk of the population has identity issues, where their self conception varies wildly, along with moods and circumstances. There are whole cultures where this is more the average level of emotional development – especially the Face cultures, such as Thailand, where no one ever gets any chance to develop a real identity because fitting in and not causing anyone any slight loss of face or emotional uncomfort means that no one ever disagrees. About anything. Ever.

When a girl flips from “I will love you forever always” to “I’m going to fuck you up, you cheating bastard”, she is showing a SEVERE identity stability problem.

Loving someone is an identity. It’s not just what we do, or how we feel, it is an entire construct of self.

Falling out of love is very different than swinging between BPD style idealization of the lover and then hate.

If you are not intimately familiar with every aspect of BPD characteristics, then you owe it to yourself to become educated, because such characteristics are in yourself, right now, and you will often treat people from this emotionally childish and underdeveloped way. All people do. Fully understanding the extremes not only helps us to deal with people with severe BPD, it helps us deal with everyone. Shrink4men is entertaining and informative and written in normal emotional human language, even though the author has a degree that could give her an excuse to talk like an alien from planet academia.

Here is my point:

NOT being BPD makes people love you MORE.

Being BPD ruins relationships, absolutely, always.

Being clingy is being BPD. Being needy, jealous, controlling; all BPD.

The more you give people space to be who they really are, and love them for THAT, the more you will receive love and devotion.

If you love someone only for doing what is expected of someone you love, it’s a house of cards, and you are deliberately BEING an earthquake.

It’s so, so, so simple to very quickly make someone love you.

Call her a dirty whore, and fuck her with love, AT THE SAME TIME.

Boom.

Now she loves you.

Because you love HER.

Not her faithfulness. Not her fairy princess forever together dream land idealized identity.

You love THAT bitch. That one, right there in front of you. Now. Not later, after she’s trained and better.

It’s the exact same for girls.

Some girls have seen first hand how much love and devotion they can get from a man by loving HIM.

Want a faithful long term bonded man? Instead of keeping him from fucking other girls, bring one into your bed to share.

100% guaranteed he will love you many times more than he did previously, and you will be much more bonded.

I can be a very jealous man. It’s something that’s easy to have philosophies about, but jealousy isn’t concerned with philosophy.

However having a sound philosophy does inform and help to shape our emotions. Instead of jealousy being the entire content of our reality, it becomes one facet of it. A workable facet.

It’s very tempting to look at a girls phone, if she leaves it unguarded and accidentally unlocked, or if you’ve seen her swipe her password.

It’s counterproductive.

Either you will find no reason to feel insecure, or you will. Only those two things can happen.

If you DO find reasons to be insecure, you just made a very big mistake. You just altered your own identity. Nothing at all changed with her. The two of you were fine – doing great, probably. Good enough to keep seeing each other, at the very least. Now you may have gone and totally fucked that up.

Just leave it alone. You can’t handle the truth. I can’t handle the truth. She can’t handle the truth. Just leave it. It’s fine. Everything is fine.

The thing is, no matter if I or she is getting other needs met, in a different way, eggs are still eggs, and steak is still steak. I don’t have to be the best lover in the world to be a lover a woman is bonded to. I don’t have to be her best at any one particular thing. People form bonds, and those bonds can be secure even if someone eats out at a restaurant sometimes.

Those who’ve had very long term relationships have also seen their lovers fall in love with others.

That also doesn’t have to change identity stability. It’s great to have stability, over years – the same people in your life, watching them grow and change. Falling in and out of love, many times, breaking each other hearts, meeting again as if for the first time, getting a little bored, on and on. We can have a stable identity throughout all of it.

You can be the person who loves. You don’t have to swing into the person who hates, just because you looked at a phone. You don’t have to worry about what she’s doing tonight. It will have very little effect on what she’ll want to do with you tomorrow.

And not only will your own life go smoother – ignorance sometimes is a good idea – but you will avoid poisoning and wrecking an otherwise working relationship.

I know I find it difficult to love someone who looks at my phone. I’ve had the discussion countless times with girls, and they keep looking at it, and finding ways to look at it.

It can very quickly turn genuine love into genuine frustration – frustration big enough to just want to walk away. Jealousy is trying to hold a bar of soap by squeezing so tight it flies right out of your hands. It’s actually a type of very aggressive hate – “stop being who you are! Be my idealized version, NOW!” At minimum it’s a profound insecurity and doubt of who YOU are and that you ARE loved. Which is also very aggressive. Towards yourself.

You are loved, for real.

Your emotions will not be able to understand this. You won’t really be able to stop having strong emotions, and strong jealousy, at times. But you might be able to control your actions and philosophy, and therefore put jealousy into it’s small little proper place.

Why calling her a bitch makes you love and respect her MORE

Most of us are not terribly interested in growing up. Society remains at a child’s level of development, and we feel that we may as well be also – it’s the norm and correct.

So when we love someone, usually we actually just love what we want them to be. As soon as our idealized version of who they are is untenable due to them acting as a normal, separate, human being, we fault them, and then have a PERSONAL crisis of identity. We can’t remain in love, and instead becomes a person who hates.

We’ve all seen it and heard it countless times. Each partner has promised monogamy, each is getting some on the side, and each is furious with the other.

A stable identity is not something to take for granted. A huge chunk of the population has identity issues, where their self conception varies wildly, along with moods and circumstances. There are whole cultures where this is more the average level of emotional development – especially the Face cultures, such as Thailand, where no one ever gets any chance to develop a real identity because fitting in and not causing anyone any slight loss of face or emotional uncomfort means that no one ever disagrees. About anything. Ever.

When a girl flips from “I will love you forever always” to “I’m going to fuck you up, you cheating bastard”, she is showing a SEVERE identity stability problem.

Loving someone is an identity. It’s not just what we do, or how we feel, it is an entire construct of self.

Falling out of love is very different than swinging between BPD style idealization of the lover and then hate.

If you are not intimately familiar with every aspect of BPD characteristics, then you owe it to yourself to become educated, because such characteristics are in yourself, right now, and you will often treat people from this emotionally childish and underdeveloped way. All people do. Fully understanding the extremes not only helps us to deal with people with severe BPD, it helps us deal with everyone. Shrink4men is entertaining and informative and written in normal emotional human language, even though the author has a degree that could give her an excuse to talk like an alien from planet academia.

Here is my point:

NOT being BPD makes people love you MORE.

Being BPD ruins relationships, absolutely, always.

Being clingy is being BPD. Being needy, jealous, controlling; all BPD.

The more you give people space to be who they really are, and love them for THAT, the more you will receive love and devotion.

If you love someone only for doing what is expected of someone you love, it’s a house of cards, and you are deliberately BEING an earthquake.

It’s so, so, so simple to very quickly make someone love you.

Call her a dirty whore, and fuck her with love, AT THE SAME TIME.

Boom.

Now she loves you.

Because you love HER.

Not her faithfulness. Not her fairy princess forever together dream land idealized identity.

You love THAT bitch. That one, right there in front of you. Now. Not later, after she’s trained and better.

It’s the exact same for girls.

Some girls have seen first hand how much love and devotion they can get from a man by loving HIM.

Want a faithful long term bonded man? Instead of keeping him from fucking other girls, bring one into your bed to share.

100% guaranteed he will love you many times more than he did previously, and you will be much more bonded.

I can be a very jealous man. It’s something that’s easy to have philosophies about, but jealousy isn’t concerned with philosophy.

However having a sound philosophy does inform and help to shape our emotions. Instead of jealousy being the entire content of our reality, it becomes one facet of it. A workable facet.

It’s very tempting to look at a girls phone, if she leaves it unguarded and accidentally unlocked, or if you’ve seen her swipe her password.

It’s counterproductive.

Either you will find no reason to feel insecure, or you will. Only those two things can happen.

If you DO find reasons to be insecure, you just made a very big mistake. You just altered your own identity. Nothing at all changed with her. The two of you were fine – doing great, probably. Good enough to keep seeing each other, at the very least. Now you may have gone and totally fucked that up.

Just leave it alone. You can’t handle the truth. I can’t handle the truth. She can’t handle the truth. Just leave it. It’s fine. Everything is fine.

The thing is, no matter if I or she is getting other needs met, in a different way, eggs are still eggs, and steak is still steak. I don’t have to be the best lover in the world to be a lover a woman is bonded to. I don’t have to be her best at any one particular thing. People form bonds, and those bonds can be secure even if someone eats out at a restaurant sometimes.

Those who’ve had very long term relationships have also seen their lovers fall in love with others.

That also doesn’t have to change identity stability. It’s great to have stability, over years – the same people in your life, watching them grow and change. Falling in and out of love, many times, breaking each other hearts, meeting again as if for the first time, getting a little bored, on and on. We can have a stable identity throughout all of it.

You can be the person who loves. You don’t have to swing into the person who hates, just because you looked at a phone. You don’t have to worry about what she’s doing tonight. It will have very little effect on what she’ll want to do with you tomorrow.

And not only will your own life go smoother – ignorance sometimes is a good idea – but you will avoid poisoning and wrecking an otherwise working relationship.

I know I find it difficult to love someone who looks at my phone. I’ve had the discussion countless times with girls, and they keep looking at it, and finding ways to look at it.

It can very quickly turn genuine love into genuine frustration – frustration big enough to just want to walk away. Jealousy is trying to hold a bar of soap by squeezing so tight it flies right out of your hands. It’s actually a type of very aggressive hate – “stop being who you are! Be my idealized version, NOW!” At minimum it’s a profound insecurity and doubt of who YOU are and that you ARE loved. Which is also very aggressive. Towards yourself.

You are loved, for real.

Your emotions will not be able to understand this. You won’t really be able to stop having strong emotions, and strong jealousy, at times. But you might be able to control your actions and philosophy, and therefore put jealousy into it’s small little proper place.

The Ketamines

I’ve been doing ketamine as a crohn’s treatment, which is but one of many of it’s flavors of off label uses.

It is also useful to treat:
Post traumatic stress disorder
Severe depression (immediate results)
Neuropathic pain – which I think is a special type of pain where your nerves fuck up and send hurt signals when they may as well just calm down.
Opiate addiction

The day V broke up with me I told her that I’d most likely be fine because I was doing ketamine, and that should make it so that I can’t get depressed.

It’s about right.

I should have got my hands on some when Kiki died.

The trips it can give are weird enough that a guy could try to lay the blame on spritual experiences, however like Ibogaine, Ketamine cures Opiate addiction not through cognitive idea re-arrangment quite so much as through some sort of reset button.

Which begs a big question – what are our pre-sets? That would be cool if our presets were healthy. Ketamine seems to think so.

The dose before the one I’m coming off of now was two syringes – 2 ml = 100 mg. I had planned on injecting 150 mg, but after the 2nd syringe was not up to the task of coordinating a third injection. Good thing too – it was my 2nd 100 mg trip, but it took me a bit farther out, and it just got stupid weird – of course the world dissapeared into a hallucination, but the identity and all memories also hallucinated or wobbled away, so it was silly groundless.

I told myself that I was breathing, and most likely in a safe position, before things got even weirder and even those thoughts would have not fit into the new ketamine universe.

The dose I did 50 minutes ago was 3/4 of a syringe, so there was only a brief period where I could no longer play the piano, and the world stayed with me the whole time, as did my identity.

The larger doses I suppose could qualify as some kind of near death experience, which have been shown to cause long term positive personality changes, so there is probably also some pure psychological experiential benefit. But I’m still laying my money down on betting the drugs long term mental effects happen for physical rather than meme organizing reasons.

It’s not a euphoriant. Is that a word? It doesn’t make you feel warm and fuzzy and happy. The antidepressant effect is long term and immediate or stronger after a few more sessions, but the trip itself doesn’t provide a glow like beer or exstacy.

I’m not a fan of heartbreak – I just don’t use it as an excuse to avoid intimacy, because I think intimacy is the bread of life. I’m thinking K could be valuable to use to treat grief, along with it’s clinically proven usefulness to depression.

Blogging plus ketamine plus sex plus meeting new people plus the positive waves of previous positive waves of karma seem to sure have cut down the usual grieving process.

I don’t think I could recommend a heavy ketamine trip to anyone – it’s weird weird weird. But I suspect it’s a healthy and good for you thing to take, from time to time, especially for those who are out of whack.

My research has shown that it’s mostly safe. So for anyone depressed, benefits most likely would outwheigh negatives.

Treatments are usually from two to six times, and doses vary hugely – it’s studied a lot, but understudied still.

I’ve found ketamine to be a mild stimulant, and due to the total freakazoid places it takes you to, it’s best if buffered with an anti anxiety such as diazepam. Much much best. Most doctors agree.

I have found myself to me more mellow coming off of a trip. The comment I wrote realizing that I had been spinning reality into an Adams Family rerun and choosing a brighter more optimistic spin was directly after a 1 syringe dose (enough to make the bed dissapear for a short time)

I’m told the effects are not like other drugs – for depression, neuropathic pain, and others the effects can be long lasting. So maybe I’ll be more mellow yellow for a while. I’d call that good.

An alpha is merely a guy with an identity. A beta is merely a social conservative.

Always insightful commentor Renfrew wrote:

Lastly, there is a whole conversation to be had, X, around the sense you express at the end of this post (which you’ve expressed before, over many years), that if the girl would just give you what you want and play things cool, that’s in her interest because then she’d get the absolute best out of you. I’ve had this feeling many times myself, so I get it completely. But I have lately wondered sometimes if it’s flawed…. or partial.

My teenage virgin hyper sexual beauty queen science major playwright faithful devoted love slave of the future disagrees with you.

Sure, Unicorns aren’t real. What difference does it make? I still want a unicorn. Better yet twins. I could handle twins.

Competing interests means that relationships by nature are inherently flawed and partial. There is no conception or accurate mental map of a healthy working relationship where everyones needs are largely met in an ongoing way, because that situation does not happen to human beings.

We want from others what they can not provide out of their own free will and desire, long term. And we resent the impositions of the wants of others.

That’s the world we are incarnated into, choicelessly.

A major theme of my post is that emotional needs don’t create reality. People in love can rarely grasp the hard truth that no love has ever overcome the fact that love is, by nature, an opposition of interests – not a mutual melding of interests.

In other words, there is no such thing as compromise. Only codependent self denial and deliberate willful ignorance of same.

Reading the wikipedia page on codependence did not enlighten me much, as the concept is still ill defined and contentious. I think it could be a useful term if thought of as lack of clarity with identity and social boundary issues, and ongoing attempts at creating harmony and approval while losing track of and diminishing the importance of ones own desires.

Every married guy who explains that he actually does not want to fuck the hot teenagers is nothing but an expert lier, completely lost from any identity he ever had. Subsumed into the borg, thinking that he is, in fact, the borg.

An alpha is merely a guy who has an identity. A beta is merely a guy who thinks of fitting in and doing his duty for sake of family and society. He does not have an identity – he has a borg.

It’s neither right nor wrong to be codependant, or beta. Perhaps the social conservatives (betas each and every one) are correct when they say that society relies on them to function.

For better or worse, I have an identity, and that makes long term monogamy impossible for me.

Renfrew said:

But I’m not sure it’s fair to say that any married guy who says he doesn’t want to fuck a hot teenager is either a lier or a self-alienated beta. There may be a few more possibilities there than just those two!

Nope, it really is that simple.

Put a hot young teenager into the same bed as a guy who claims he does not want to have sex with hot young teenagers.

Either he will want to fuck her, or he has ailments.

Deep rooted guilt and a complete loss of individuality, or impotence, are the only reasons for a lack of DESIRE for what is inherently desirable.

If someone told me they don’t desire food, I’d call bullshit. It’s physically impossible.

Not wanting to fuck hot teenage girls is simply physically impossible.

I mean yes, seeing them on the street might not get a stiffy, but to extrapolate out of that they they don’t want it is going too far.

Any man on a desert island for a while with a sexy and pleasant horny teenager will not only want to fuck her, he’ll quickly develop an infatuation.

I really do think it’s that black and white.

And it’s pure fantasy with the sole purpose of walking on social eggshells for a man to think otherwise of himself. His identity is lost to himself, and he is God Fearing and deluded. A communist, basically.

People in jail too long become “institutionalized”. They get so used to jail that they can’t cope with freedom. Married guys self-identify with their own jail cells. They become institutionalized, and no longer know what freedom even means.

But desire is pre-social. It doesn’t go away, and opportunity would disclose it.

The porn industry caters to the exact men who claim to not be attracted to the girls they fap to.

We are all a little bit BPD, but that’s not my business.

Mike said:

If you want to chew on something worthwhile, figure out what it is about yourself, that makes you feel responsible for this person and their emotions and/or future. You’ll fall right back into this situation with her or someone just like her if you don’t confront the part of yourself that takes on this burden.

 

Good point.

I think that the way that I handled the lengthy whatsapp messaging incident is as clear a signal as can be about the healthiness of my boundaries, and exactly how much responsibility I take for another persons emotions.

I was even willing to let her seek out a new lover at that time while she was texting, if that is what worked for her. She’s an adult, and I’m not an acting babysitter, nor do I play one in real life.

Here is what happened just before the phone incident:

She’d somehow picked up this habit of of saying “Daddy come here”, when I was otherwise engaged in work or other interests. I had to make light of it by coming up and pulling on her Barbie string and have her say “Daddy come here” whenever I pulled the string. She’d be lying on the bed and I’d be standing up, facing her, giving her full attention and talking to her, and she’d still say “Daddy come here”.

“I AM here! I’m right here!”

She’d miss me even when I was right there.

She was getting really clingy, and insecure, and I just did not want to have to babysit that insecurity.

So there I was standing up, joking and refusing to cuddle (she was not seeking sex), and she crawled off of the bed and I instinctively backed away, hands up in front of me making an invisible barrier. I’d back away a few inches, and she’d crawl forward more, until finally I let her get all the way close, and she started clinging onto my legs, naked, wimpering a bit.

So I got on the bed with her and the next thing I know I’m telling her the story of how when I was a child me and my brother used to play The Blob game. I described the movie The Blob, and how an alien goo landed on earth in an asteroid impact, and how a teenager touched it, and how a small blob of goo slowly ate his hand, until the next day his friends visited him to discover all that was left was a gloobing pulsating mass of Blob. Which eventually ate most of his friends, and later grew to wallow down main street, eating up buildings.

So my brothers and I would hide under a blanket, slowly crawl up to the victim, then rear and and scream “BLOB!” and engulf the other person in the blanket.

I accidentally hit her face as I engulfed her, and she took that as a sign of deliberate hurtful indifference towards her – “you play too rough!”.  Again confusing her own feelings with reality – and deliberately and obtusely refusing to differentiate between the two. Then she started actually crying like a little child, in pain – for way longer than any physical pain could have been causing her anguish.

Trying to justify her overblown reaction and contention that I play too rough, she gave the example of how a few times I’d patted her on the back, with the exact same force that a parent burps a child. Everyone else I’ve done that to has found it very comforting.

I tried to laugh it off and demonstrate that this is the exact pressure applied to babies, and explain that she is not made of flower petals.

“Ow! That hurts!”

Psychosomatic pain is real, sure, but get a fucking grip man. There is such a thing as over-reacting, and the fact that your emotions are sending you signals out of touch with what is happening in the real world does not mean that the real world is wrong. It means you are out of touch with reality. That is NOT an excuse to complain about unfair treatment! Actual crying, like an actual child – regression to a child like state, in order to curry attention and favorable treatment.

I. just. was. not. into it. I did not buy her narrative for one second. No extra sympathy points for you girl.

Back to the Blob. Apparently my subconscious had made some association between her, clinging at my feet, and the Blob.

Ya, she was trying to eat up my free will, my life force, my future, and put every last one of my balls into her purse for safe keeping.

I was guilty of leading her on. At first I really wasn’t quite sure if our thing would lead to kids, but after I realized no, I still led her on, and took a hit to my lifestyle as a trade off. It was mostly working out, I thought. Until I started to get resentful at her showing up at my door. That wasn’t so good.

She refused to announce herself as standard girl ploy. If I never know when she’ll arrive it’s more difficult to arrange a private schedule. She was slowly trying to tame my balls, boiling the frog. That actually works for a lot of guys.

But for some of us it’s really a hopeless lost cause.

As Blackdragon says, Alpha guys WILL cheat, sooner or later. It’s not even their choice. They WILL cheat, and they WILL get caught.

I was trying the Alpha 1.0 relationship game – and got caught and broken up with enough times that the next step was to actually try to play by the stated rules.

Of course many guys can play by those rules, and will never be able to empathize. Some guys don’t have the option to play by those rules. We simply can’t. If we try, everything gets out of whack, and no one is happy.

I wasn’t even fucking her every day anymore, and we started to have a few mediocre sex sessions. And I didn’t even care. My health isn’t great, but getting soft with her on top is still not a great relationship sign.

That would not happen if I were playing by my own rules. My own system works great – I get sexually supercharged, am very attentive, never neglectful. I’m simply a better man, better person, better lover, give more, and on and on, if someone can accommodate me being me without trying to keep my balls in their their fucking purse.

The more she needed reassurance the more I wanted to pull away.

This is a long rambling diary post.  I’m not going to bother to edit it.  It’s not thoughtful, well crafted or organized.

We had been playing house since February.  Every spare moment she’d visit me, take care of me, hang around while I worked, make love with me or fuck me wild.

We’d been dating off and on for three years.  I’d been caught out being unfaithful three times, and after much thought decided to try being monogomous.  There was a background understanding that marriage and babies was a direction we could be heading in.

A bit to my surprise I found that even though I loved her, something core and essential about me could not change.  I valued my freedom as my life, and started to resent her showing up unannounced.  Once she was here, I liked it, but just that my free will was taken away by our social agreement frustrated me, and I was starting to resent her love as much as I appreciated it.

I also didn’t like how I had to bury and hide so much of my character – so much of my reason for living, what I find fundamentally important and real – my real me.  I had to bury and hide and never let get close to the surface that yes, I want to fuck other young pretty girls.

I couldn’t even try to inject a little space of a giggle about it.  “Can you help me send money to China?”  “What’s it for this time?”  “Oh, it’s for my girlfriend there.  But don’t worry, I haven’t seen her in years.”

That attempt at levity sent her into a panic as real as if she were watching a horror movie.  It didn’t have to be real – just the thought was scary enough to spike her blood pressure and kick off a round of obsessive compulsive ruminating.  The next day we were broken up.

She had good reasons to be insecure, and good reasons to break up.  How long is a girl expected to keep dating a guy, no matter how much she is in love with him, once she knows that they will never get married and have babies?

After that attempt at humor, an hour later she’s completely miserable, in great emotional anguish, and furiously typing away on her phone.  I just don’t want to deal with it.  At all.  I figure her happiness is her responsibility and she needs to find a way to come back into balance so that we can share happiness together.

It’s obviously quite rude to have a date and spend much of that time texting someone else.  This girl was horribly distraught, and was reaching out for help.  I had no idea if it was to a potential new lover, or to her male friend who acts as a confident and advisor.  I knew she was in pain and needed help, and wanted her to get it.  I came close to asking her to leave to go home until she could sort herself out before we meet again.

Girls often try to make a guy jealous to reassure themselves that the guy cares.  If she was playing a jealousy gambit on her phone, I wasn’t into it.  No fucking way was I going to play the game of even asking her who she was texting.  That’s her business.

And I just could not bring myself to reach out and try to comfort her.  She was being completely uncommunicative – at least to me – not any hint whatsoever to me why she was crying or what she was texting about.  Did I want to reward that with “oh baby, it’s alright, I love you, calm down”.  No, the whole scene frankly disgusted me; childish to the extreme.  I didn’t want to have ANYTHING to do with it.  At all.

I decided to wait her out and let her come to me when she was ready to talk.  She must have texted for at least an hour, and then silently fell asleep, covered up in a blanket and facing away from me.

Thankfully she found a peaceful smile in her sleep.  I injected some prescribed ketamine in a well researched attempt to heal my chronic gastritis.  That stuff is incredibly weird.  The first few times are very dissorienting – as if you were transplanted fresh – like a soul into a baby – into a fresh new weird universe and body.  Having everything be re-contextualized for me leads to the big questions.  As relationship was up, I had think about my self, how I am surviving and can continue to survive, and those that I love who love me.

I thought of my poor girl in pain.  In a flash I knew that I’m not a family man, but that such men exist.  I knew that it is simply not an option for me to take on the role of family man – even if I wanted babies with this woman, and even though I wanted her in my life long term.  It’s simply not an emotional option available to me.  There is nothing to repair or change – a rabbit is not an elephant is not a fish.  I’m not a family man and can’t become one.

As I got used to ketamine world, I found that I could still play piano, still walk, and even though I could not feel it, was still breathing just fine.  It was difficult to tell if sounds were real or hallucinations, but it semed they were just normal sounds recontextualized into the ketamine body, and probably not much of the sounds were exagerrated into hallucinations.

Hallucinating on ketamine was an option to explore if I wanted, but I wasn’t in the mood.  I felt into my heart chakra briefly, and realized I could explode into a chi-kung world of drama and emotion if wanted to enter that space.  Didn’t go there.  I opted out of any sort of chi-kung attention.  That can get overwhelming, and on my second trip was no master of ketamine space ready to dive into that particular unknown.  Low drama.  Just hang out.  Be soulful, feel the big questions – see life from fresh eyes.

As I started to come down I wanted to commune with my mate, so gently woke her up with a hello.  I was still quite affected by ketamine.  I was ready to be emotionally open to her – unlike before when she was furiously typing away at her phone instead of talking to me, who was right there beside her.

Drugs can leave my mouth unfiltered.  With her I had to spend so much time filtering my thoughts, for fear if she knew how I really felt she’d leave me.  In my effort to show that I was empathetic and understanding of the pain she was going through, I restated something I’d read the day before, said from a girl who broke up with her boyfriend.  “I mean how long is a girl expected to stay with a guy once she knows they will never get married?”  I knew it was a tactical error, but it was already out of my mouth.  Then somehow the truth serum had me saying that I was not in the mood to work, that I just wanted to rest there until she left (as in broke up) with me.

She remained uncommunicative, and I told her it’s not fair that I’m always the one doing all the talking, and all she ever does is ask questions.  She said “I’m speechless”

The next day she broke up with me, saying that she wanted a family, and knew I’d never provide it.

She was strangely shut down emotionally and uncommicative, and it really was not clear to me what our new status was.  No matter how many times I asked, I could not get her to say it explicitly, and I had to say it for her; she was not going to fuck me anymore.

One day she’s devoted and attentive and in love, if a bit clingy and insecure.

Two days later she’s blocked my contact on her phone.

That made me re-evaluate my idea that my lifestyle is like a vampire, feeding off of the best years of young women’s lives, giving them ultimately pain, for my benefit.

I was right all along.  Love is war, and very rarely is there long term mutual alliance.  Men and women have fundamentally competing interests.

What if lions had empathy for rabbits?  What good would it do the lion?  Or the rabbit?  He still has to eat.

I still need love and sex.  Knowing that this will cause pain can’t change that.  I’m a lion – and I need to eat.

Girls are no less selfish and no less driven by their agendas.  This girl knows that I’m in love with her and that it will hurt me horribly to stop seeing me.  She knows that there is an inevitable cruelty in leaving me to pursue having a family.

And girls can be WAY colder than guys – ice cold.  Not only can they go ghost, if they feel hurt they can get vindictive in ways that no guy would ever in his wildest dreams imagine.  They can be incredibly hurtful, both through neglect and deliberate torture.

Every day that I wake up I wake to pain.  I miss this girl like hell.

And she’s a very sensitive girl, and I know is going through something very similar.  We were bonded mates and best friends and lovers who spent near all of our time together.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but even though I’m currently having sex and currently have another girl who loves me and have other options, relationships are unique.

Which actually brings me to the point of this post, and the reason to write down the whole narrative.

After we broke up we met for a bit and I got fucking furious, because she pulled this childish girl trick of invalidating all of my self and my feelings with this shitty “but that’s not how I feel” maneover.

She always called me Daddy, and liked it.  It gave us a special connection.  She absolutely hated it that I also do that with other girls, and told me that to her that totally invalidated the whole game.  If I felt that way with another girl it could never have been real with her.  If I could love another girl, then any love for her could not possible be “real”.  Ex girlfriends were excluded, and she decided to leave it ambiguous how many minutes must pass between one real love and the next for the next one to be able to become real.

I mentioned the metaphor of what if a real child said to a real parent “I don’t believe that you love me, because you also love my sister”.  And all she could do was say that’s not the same and try to change the subject as quickly as possible.

It made me fucking furious.  I really did love that girl, as a daughter.  For real.  None of HER feelings could change that.  It made no difference whatsoever if to her my love was not real because I could also love others.

It’s completely Borderline Personality Disordered insane – total lack of boundaries between self and other.

“Well, I don’t feel loved, therefore you don’t love me”

Completely invalidate me down to my core – stripping away – quite litterally – my soul.

My love is my soul, and she would so casually and contemptuously and arrogantly tell me that I don’t have a soul, just because she wants me to be incapable of loving anyone other than her.

God I hate that.

That’s a stupid trick so many girls try to use.

“Oh, reality does not fit in with my emotional needs, so reality is wrong”.

Which again gets back to why I really started to resent her.  I don’t mind a girl being jealous.  It’s normal.  I can even put up with a little bit of controlling behaviour in the name of jealousy.  But it’s when that jealousy is normalized as the only real and valid agenda that really bothers me.

Totally invalidates me and my reality and my world.

Sure, she can spout off that I’m free to be me, just not with her, and wave her hand away as if that means she’s not invalidating my core essence.  But it doesn’t work that way.  When I fuck her and she squirts and squirts and we are having the very real religious experiences that only deeply bonded lovers have, she refuses to allow me to be me – for my world to exist.

I do love her, for real, and she knows and feels it.  And she can also have sisters and that changes NOTHING between us.

Because that doesn’t fit in with her evolved agenda, her brain will absolutely not allow those thoughts to be real and true, and therefore not allow me to be real and true.

The only way I was able to spend any time with her at all was to basically lie about who I was – constantly – every minute.  I could not even let my fucking phone ring without it totally freaking her out.  Granted, being caught cheating three times is enough to give a girl in love post traumatic stress disorder, and she was merely trying to protect her property and ground and future.  But still – a little humor please?  Yes, I want to fuck other gils, and no, it does not in any way change or diminish my real feelings.

God, that really fucking bothers me.  Not all girls are like that.  In fact it’s one reason I kind of prefer high socio-sexual score girls.  They might be a higher infidelity risk, but at least they have sympathy for the real human condition.

Monogomy and love have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other.  Sometimes by coincidence they happen at the same time, but there is no causality there.

That wonderful poison

A big part of the pleasure of writing is the feeling of communion.  Communion is an important drug, social need, spiritual experience, component of a sane life.  I get some of my biggest kicks from writing when I succeed in having an audience feeling as if we are sharing the human condition.  That we are not alone.  Someone gets us, understands us, is going through the same thing.

Alcoholism is rather impossible to explain to non-alcoholics.  The videos below are the best I’ve ever seen in giving a sense of why people drink, and how that slowly turns into alcoholism, and how difficult that is to get out of.

A lot of people who stop drinking are helped by lying to themselves.  And if you are going to lie to yourself it’s much easier if you do it by lying, VERY LOUDLY to others.  People say that you can be just as happy and sociable without it.  That you don’t need it.  All you have to do is to learn new habits.  Alcohol is just a “crutch”, that serves no real purpose.

That’s fucking bullshit.  Alcohol is great!  For some of us, especially those with high social anxiety, it is transformative and a godsend.  It quite obviously has an effect. We’ve had experiences with it we’d not have had without it.  Fantastic stuff.

If alcohol wasn’t great, there would be no alcoholics!

I’m a bit lucky, I suppose, in that after long abstinence I don’t get cravings much.  I have my triggers – old haunts that I frequently drank at, including the beach, can bring on a strong desire.  But I don’t have to take things one day at a time as a constant battle against a looming bottle.

Regardless of how much you drink, I think you’ll find these videos either informative or reassuring in how you not alone.

Some of you might also consider the videos as cautionary.  I doubt any alcoholic thought it could ever happen to him.

 

 

 

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I take low dose naltrexone before sleep, for immune regulation reasons.  It’s also recommended to combat addiction.

The Ted talk below talks about a woman who used naltrexone in a different way to successfully treat her addiction.

Naltrexone is easy enough to get.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Strong racism in SEA

The stories I could tell about racism in SEA.

 

I once required a lawyer in Thailand, and had to hire a translator to speak with him. After the meeting the translator told me that the lawyer had told her that he planned to throw me under the bus so that he could keep charging fees while I languished in prison.

The lawyer’s racism was bad enough, but not the incredible thing. The incredible thing is that he assumed that all Thais shared his racism.

I’ve heard it spoken of countless times; racism in SEA is EXTREMELY high.

Of course some Imams are extreme and advocate bombing us, and the Bali bombers actually had quite a bit of support.  I have to wonder what the less extreme Imams impart as permanently ingrained “knowledge” to impressionable young Indonesian minds, and then constantly repeat as the in-group message throughout a lifetime.

It can be fucking scary and dangerous at times. We really aren’t seen as humans, by some people. And many people simply take it for granted that this is a proper attitude.

It’s freaking weird when there is zero empathy.

Watch the youtube if you don’t believe that is is a common feature of the human condition.

Not sure if I’m dying.

In my monastery days one of the monks I lived with had a line that always cracked him up. Whenever someone was talking about illness he’d say “Yup, you’re dying. So am I. We all are.”

It was a Buddhist existential joke.

I’ve had chronic gastritis for a few decades. I think the term is Crohn’s disease, although doctors in Indonesia don’t seem to know that word. With Crohn’s you get flare ups which wipe you out, and times when you can function fairly normally. A bad flare up can kill you, but usually just lays you up in bed, or makes it difficult to focus and work.

I’ve been having a long protracted flare up for many months now. It got so bad I thought that I was dying, so I scraped together some money and snaked a camera down my throat.

Yuck. What an ugly mess down there. That’s not what a stomach is supposed to look like.

Unfortunately after the test I was still wacked out on valium and anesthetic drugs and made a poor choice to not immediately take the biopsy to the clinic for evaluation, reasoning that it would not affect the treatment decisions. I had assumed that cancer could be diagnosed visually. So I’ll have to scrape up more funds for another test to rule that out, as apparently cancer isn’t quite that obvious.

That’s all pretty boring, I know. Everybody dies. The less boring stuff is what happens in the meantime. In the meantime I’m having a hard time focusing.

On the worst days I can take tramadol, a poppy juice type drug, but it isn’t strong enough to kill the pain. It’s weaker and therefore less addictive than drugs that actually work. Indonesia is very cautious about opioid narcotics, and only offers stronger options in a hospital emergency care situation, or sometimes for cancer patient pain management. There is a black market, and there may be ways to work within the system to legally get stronger pain medicine, but the fact is that all effective strong pain medicines are opioids, which are dangerously addictive.

I’m an alcoholic who doesn’t drink, so have some familiarity with addiction. I’d rather pass on opioid addiction. Luckily for now on the worst days I can load up on tramadol, and the pain is tolerable.

It puts me into a semi-sleep state. I can’t actually sleep, but I can’t actually stay awake, so I try really hard to meditate. Every few seconds I’ll start to hallucinate; the bathroom door will turn into a cell phone, then I’ll wrangle my attention back to focusing on a chakra or something. Then after the strongest effects of the drug wear off I have to get real sleep. So I can be in bed for 20 hours.

That’s only happened twice this last month, and usually I can avoid tramadol or take just a few. Luckily for me I’m not that fond of the effects. I do take ultra low dose naltrexone at the same time, which is supposed to kill the euphoria, and retain the pain killing, and help to prevent addiction. And on non-tramadol days I take a larger low dose of the opioid-antagonist naltrexone at night, which helps to regrow the opioid receptors. So far so good – I never think about taking it recreationally, and the next day after a big dose have no interest in loading up again.

The worst part isn’t the pain. It’s that I can’t focus. The low energy level isn’t conducive to work, plus there can be brain fog. And during a flare up any food will put me to sleep within 10 minutes. Sometimes for so long that when I wake up I’m hungry again.

After I eat, food sits against a host of ulcers, and some of that food swims directly into my blood stream, which freaks out all the little people who live in there. The immune defense people scramble around trying to kill the food particles, and get a little indiscriminate in their panic, and wind up attacking healthy tissue, so I have generalized inflammation.

This can and does lead to cardiovascular health problems, and brain degradation. I’ve already had a few mini strokes which has left me partially blind in my left eye. I’ve got psoriasis. I feel that my brain organ is falling apart.

So even if it’s not cancer, I’m still dying. I’m really not sure how long I’ll have my brain.

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In the meantime my financial situation has taken a turn. I’m eating, even though I find it difficult to work, but there is a constant background anxiety about that.

And the strangest thing is that I have some enemies who seem to really want to hurt me. I owe some money, and they think that I can pay but just don’t, out of stubbornness and greed.

The people persecuting me seem very emotional. Deadly serious angry. They’ve expressed that they’d really like to see harm and ruin come to me.

It’s difficult to believe that the emotion is all about finances.

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People sneak a lot of copyrighted material into the youtube. I was watching a documentary about the making of Easy Rider yesterday. It followed on auto-play after the documentary about the making of Animal House. Which followed after the making of the Blues Brothers movie.

If you are familiar with Easy Rider you’ll know it’s one of those entertainment features that introduced many new ways of looking at and conveying the world. Firsts in music and movies and any field engender a sense of awe and respect for the genius of vision, but of course at the time of production are strongly resisted. Which from the vantage of retrospect heightens our respect, for the courage of conviction while at odds with the system.

The theme of Easy Rider was how the hippies and bikers were seen as degenerate outsiders and so were treated with extreme malevolence. The final scene had the heroes (or anti-heroes) shot dead by red-neck strangers as they rode their choppers down a country two lane highway.

The strongest scene in the movie used real towns-folk in a real diner using their own real dialogue talking about the interlopers. Nasty slander slung freely. The girls reactions to the long haired strangers were also genuine; they were highly flirtatious.

In the Animal House documentary they recounted a story of how the crew had joined a frat house party. The frat boys were not at all pleased to have the interlopers there, and tensions were rising. The story ends with all of the crew getting a beating by the frat boys and having to run away from the party, and then being chased for several blocks.

Flash forward and of course the Easy Rider crew and the Animal House crew are now cultural icons; a living part of how we think of our own personal identity.

But to the local men at the time they were simply poachers.

Emotions ran EXTREMELY high.

In the documentary about Easy Rider it was explained that the ending was not hyperbole. Some of the crew felt that some of the real people in that diner would like to and may be capable of the gruesome anonymous road-side murder.

For the Animal House true-tale, the frat boys were ganging up as a group and beating up people that they knew were actors, there to make a movie on their campus, about campus life.

In those situations, you can’t really sit down and diffuse tensions with explanations.

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It would be easy to make parallels between my usually non-monogamous self living in Indonesia, and the Easy Rider and Animal House interlopers.

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There is also a thing called narcissistic rage.

There is an ancient Buddhist text, written in India or Tibet or somewhere near there, that is written as a biography of the historical yogi Milarepa. It’s full of wonderful miraculous fairy tales, but as all good fairy tales is also high literature and a commentary on the human condition.

Our Buddhist group used to set aside a block of a few days each year to get together and chant the full book. I don’t recall much conversation about it, but I think a lot of us basically took the fairy tales at face value. The guy would sometimes fly. At the very least we believed he did spend a lot of time meditating in solitude in cold places with little food or clothing. That part probably was true, and is a weird type of hero’s journey.

I was reminded of one of the tales recently, thinking of the people who wish ill to me. I consider them to be genuinely dangerous people, and I really have no idea what to do about it.

I’m going to interrupt myself.

Marc Maron interviewed David Spade, and David recounted a story with hints of the scene from Joe Dirt, where he was in the wrong pit at the wrong time, being told “It puts the lotion on it’s skin!” The true story David tells is that he had a personal assistant who one night showed up at his house and tried to kill him. He had to physically fight, and run, and fight, and was eventually able to get enough distance to run into a room that had his shotgun under the bed. Otherwise no David Spade.

I put the “it puts the lotion on it’s skin” story together with the crazed with jealousy friend trying to kill him story together for a reason. It’s too easy to blame the victim.

When that former employee arrived at his house with murderous intent, nothing could have been said to assuage his anger.

Which is the point of this next Milarepa tale. Milarepa meets an old hag on the street, who just starts to abuse him.

After each abusive action she does, he uses plain descriptive language to tell her what she just did.

Instead of leading to introspection or remorse, this seems to enrage the hag even more.

Which is why before telling these tales I introduced the anchor of narcissistic rage.

Sometimes even mentioning that you are being wrongfully persecuted will completely enrage someone.

I’ve seen it first hand with a girl I once dated who had BPD. If you’ve no direct experience with this you’ll find it simply unbelievable, and not part of the human condition. With a cluster B spectrum personality disordered person, if you use plain descriptive non-judgmental language to recount one of their bad actions, and ever so gently suggest not to repeat such an action, they will fucking blow up.

There are situations in which you simply can’t use words to make antagonists back off.

David had a guy in his house trying to murder him.

I’ve got people who, I’m sure, would not only like to see me dead, but would prefer if I suffered first.

This does not make me sleep better at night, and again I’m sure that’s some small source of pleasure for them.

And I think that simply mentioning that fact is very dangerous, because it most likely would simply enrage them.