Growing sexual chemistry

Last night I watched the biography of Heath Ledger.

Heath apparently was a very talented and smart guy who generally navigated towards a successful and happy life. One standout part of his life was how he magnetized and fostered strong and lifelong friendships with a vast number of people. The people seemed high quality, open hearted, good people.

My Dad was a great influence on my personality, and I suppose the number two influence was my mentor in my early twenties. Both are very social, cheerful, positive and open hearted people. I’m far more introverted, and envy their social circles. My social talents usually focus on one-to-one relationships with the women in my life. However the style is similar to my Dad and mentor; I like to make people feel good, and can at times be seductive and magnetic and fun.

However I’ve recently come to realize that I’m more fragile than I knew. In this world we have narcissists, sociopaths, people with BPD and other personality disorders. Narcissists are not healthy to be around. When insecure or triggered they prefer if those around them are miserable, and so can’t relax until they provoke negative expressions and even outbursts of rage.

Sociopaths can put on a face and all the time be plotting to steal from you and ruin you completely.

Some of us have an artistic temperament, and have emotions integrated strongly with our lives; we can feel deeply, and prefer to. These types of people are easier prey for emotional vampires, because we have emotions that can be manipulated. Our empathy and desire for communion can be weaponized against us.

Some months ago I was victimized horribly by some sociopaths. One of them is truly insane, and continues to try to persecute me. A former employee. Three of my last four main squeezes are fundamentally fucked up people. I don’t want to wine; largely I think I had managed to craft a decent and joyful life with them around, and they had a lot to offer and did give a lot.

But I could never have a Heath Ledger lifestyle with them; communication was deeply flawed.

I had a several months long depression not long ago influenced by sociopaths, and was going out of my mind when limited to hanging with two female nut-jobs.

There are some EXTREMELY hazardous memes being accepted by impressionable men of all ages in the manosphere, and one of them is that attraction is a given, and that if you don’t immediately have it then move on to someone who is attracted to you.

That’s not my experience at all, and I can state with authority that this is a defeatist meme.

With M our chemistry was initially quite poor. It took about two years for our sexual chemistry to reach potential. At our peak it was extremely good.

I’ve been dating my V for a few years now, and I’ve always liked her. Which is a relief and a great change. I actually like her. I’ve written here many times that our chemistry wasn’t as strong as with other girls. Some of that might be because her body type doesn’t match some of my fetishes.

But that’s changed.

Chemistry, SEXUAL chemistry, can grow, for both men and women.

I haven’t had a girl I had chemistry with who I actually liked since my dead Kiki. Six or seven years ago. And before that it was a six week fling four years previous.

Of course I always knew it was a problem, and wanted to improve things. I figured much of what was going on was a simple trade off of youth and beauty for brains and personality. I liked the bargain, overall.

But now I see a big contrast. V and I are simply kind to each other. Both cheerful, by constitution. Even when irritable, both of us slow down and choose kind words. Not once has she ever put me into the role of being her enemy. Not even when broken hearted. In my experience, unfortunately, that’s quite rare. It’s the way it should be.

Just simple, easy going, kindness and appreciation. And a slowly growing sexual chemistry.

Two years ago I had some interns out here, and we also had quality chemistry. Really fun guys to be around. Mutual respect was a simple given. One of the interns invited out three of his friends from the UK, with the idea to test the waters of a mutual interest to work together. I was quite impressed – almost shocked – at the bro-bonds those guys shared. They grew up together, and it was amazing to see how well they got along. They were almost like lovers. Maybe that’s not a good analogy as so many relationships are fraught with drama and dissatisfaction. They really liked each other, and clearly loved each other too.

The broken people in my life were not 100% broken. It’s troubling and sad that they were and are permanently deficient. They can’t have strong healthy relationships with their girlfriends, or me, or anyone.

Some people seem to be able to just drop associations and get new ones. I wish I had the endless social connections to be so choosy. Other people seem to meet people all the time and easily form friendships. I’m glad that through my business I at least got a taste for some healthy bro bonds, and I’m very appreciative to again have a healthy relationship with someone that I respect.

My mental health is much improved.

I like being open around open cheerful people who have each others backs. In Canada I think we take that kind of thing for granted – we’re a laid back people, and put a strong emphasis on trustworthiness and self awareness.

I’m writing this for myself. Probably others will also have similar experiences, and will like to see someone else going through the same human condition.

Alcoholism is a thing

It’s oddly controversial. It’s been said that only an alky or former alky can know what it’s like.

I guess we all really like to hold tightly to the concept of free will. And it’s a gigantic bitch slap to even hold the idea in mind for 1/10th of a second that free will isn’t easy.

I’ve had many periods in my life when I drank too much. As a younger man I was often a high functioning alcoholic. Then in my forties there were times when I’d struggle with moderation, and my motivation, mood, and capabilities were hampered. Then I stopped for 5 years. Lately if I drink too much its crazy embarrassing how stupid I get. The scariest part of it is I can’t tell at the time.

So even for one person, the relationship to booze can change. As I’m getting more senile, I’m not as sharp generally, and scary stupid inebriated. I’m desperately trying to get young-blood infusions, as this is a proven anti-aging technique that could very well help reverse the early onset dementia.

Early this year I had some desperate times brought on by betrayal by partners and employees. A horrible story I may never share here. And before that I also had a few spells of drinking often.

Here is how it works for alkys, and why I now believe that alcoholism is a real thing, and not just a matter of habit. You have a drink. Fine. Then you feel better – good even. Fine. Then of course you want more. Ok.

But then in the morning come the cravings. You just need a taste to take the edge off – to feel normal again. And bam, you’re on the circle. The vicious circle.

I’ve had it happen many times, and usually the attitude I would take is to just ride it out. Sooner or later I always stop. Somehow the circle has it’s own end.

But the last circle just wasn’t worth it. I had a great time, truly. But I also did risky things and said stupid things and hurt those that love me. And I couldn’t work effectively.

It was difficult this time to quit. I let valium help a bit, but had to eventually watch all intake of drugs carefully, including Ritalin. I imagined what it’s like in rehab. Cravings came often, and were easily triggered. The sight of a Circle-K reminded me how much I wanted a good beer. Evening time reminded me how nice it would be to relax and have fun with a drink. It took a few weeks of hard NO to every craving before the cravings died down.

And now I know that if I have even one drink – just one – I would put myself at risk for another circle.

I’ve heard that story many times. That’s a thing for a lot of people.

It’s helping that general stress levels are down, and that I’m no longer only surrounded by annoying and stupid people.

Which brings me around to another subject. The quality of sexual mates.

In my past I’ve been able to maintain interest and attraction mostly based on lust. It’s always been the case for me that crazy or damaged or mentally deficient young and obviously attractive girls are more likely to date a much older ugly man. I’ve not ONLY dated airheads, but I’ve held on to twisted girls and liked it as a general life strategy.

It was driving me crazy. With no Westerners in my life, and only airheads as confidants, I was going out of my mind.

Now I’m closer to an intelligent 26 year old. We’ve been off and on for a few years, and time has allowed her to blossom into someone I appreciate even more. We’ve been able to find our chemistry despite the fact that she’s not in the top ten of the hottest girl I’ve ever had. She’s quite in love with me, but despite that doesn’t play head games or deliberately try to annoy me. Very patient and kind, funny, generous, never the slightest risk for infidelity, hard working, likes all role play (especially hard core), and for 10 bonus points she even squirted for the first time recently.

This actually has quite a lot to do with drinking.

With a life more satisfying there is less need to escape.

It took time to be fun to be around when sober. The first month I was a miserable joyless ass. The quality of companionship makes it much easier to find joy without drinking it.


Some interns lived in my building, and could hear the various screams. Usually they were sexual, but sometimes I’d scream at a girl too.

It happened often enough that I had to ask myself if it was me.

I’ve never once come close to screaming at my formerly virgin V. It wasn’t (all) me. Some girls push buttons and sabotage communication as incurable habits.

It’s SOOO good not to deal with that anymore!

As good as it gets

Living in SEA I’ve grown fond of the phrase “third world problems”.

Which can be applied to such situations as having a wild fling with a super hot teenager who neglects to tell you that she is engaged and using you for fun while waiting for her man to return from overseas.

The older I get the more the term “as good as it gets” starts to seem less negative.

When your life really hits the low points and you look back in nostalgia at times when you were having neurotic third world problems, “as good as it gets” starts to sound like a positive.

We are both neurotic people – you and me. We have moments of pure carefree joy, and great highs, and great lows. Our garden blooms, fades, freezes, composts, over seasons and many times a day.

No amount of philosophizing about it makes us truly deep down accept and embrace the truth of suffering. But age takes the edge off.

My next step is to realize and forgive other people for being such shitty human beings. As good as it gets is all around me.

LSD will make you more creative, and more insane

Many people in my meditation communities became introduced to introspection through drugs. Those are interesting communities. Mostly wealthy, in the long run, even if started from hippies.

Old meditating sort-of-ex-hippies have the best stories. And are good lays.

LSD probably makes permanent or at least very long term brain changes. That’s my informed opinion; I’m not aware of studies.

LSD will make you be like I once was. You’ll read Carlos Casteneda and not think it fiction. And the walls took years to stop moving when looked at closely.

I used to have the most strange concepts back when I was doing LSD. And for so many years afterwards. Embarassing to mention now. I wasn’t dumb. I was very smart, like so many are who are drawn to push boundaries. I had weird thoughts like that you could hide objects inside sound waves. Or that my brain was able to “intuit” things, as if connected to a radio antenna to pick up subtle signals no one else was connected to. I once was convinced that I had inside knowldege that a friend that I not heard from in a a while was dead. Pro tip: It’s not a good sign of mental health when you have ESP.

Yet to this day I’m probably still creatively improved – LSD most likely permanently makes you more creative. But it can fuck you up. Make you a bit messed up in differentiating categories.

People don’t tend to have regrets. We usually appreciate what we learned from our mistakes. I don’t think LSD should be illegal, although I do believe it can and does cause harm. And can and does cause benefit.

Should I create a dna customized super-baby?

I bet the knowdledge and science and tools are already here to ensure that a baby is coded to become a high level genius. I’d need to spread a bunch of money around, but I think it’s do-able.

I could have the kid dragon-mom raised up to be a super computer programmer. And musician.

I suppose there could be ethics to consider, but putting those aside for a moment, and considering simply effort and expense vs income, I bet this plan could have extremely high returns.

IQ tests came from noticing precociousness. Apparently there is a new human genus of genius.

I’ve met people who are quite a bit smarter than me. It’s a bit uncomfortable. Nobody likes every reference to go over their heads at worst, or to take 5 seconds too long to get at best. It’s uncomfortable to be in a crowd talking about a subject that I not only did not study, but felt was above my ability to study.

My father talking to my cousins makes me feel very inadequate.  They talk about math like it’s gossip.  He watches the concert grade pianist show off a composition and keeps saying things like “I see what you did there.”  He’s obviously smarter than me, but I’ve met smarter; too smart for me to even guess how smart they are. I mean to be able to know what it means.

The bell curve extends to the far right far past what I will ever be able to imagine.

And that’s just this decade, when tech improvements are limited to cell phones and laptops. Everything is hardware. Meat can be upgraded too.

Much has been written about IQ. Today I took a relaxing work holiday to read peoples experiences about dating stupid mates. Unsurprisingly 35% of comments expressed hostility and outright incomprehention of of the frustration that comes from IQ differential communcation problems. INEVITABLE problems. Read for comprehension, stupid people – the smart can not dum down their concepts to you with vocabulary or slow speach. You can’t understand them. It’s not their fault. It’s not their arrogance.

The 160+ D15IQ person may often feel that they have made a compelling case, yet the listener is not convinced.  This may cause frustration in the the 160+ D15IQ person that may be perceived as different expressions to the audience, such as arrogance, condescension, etc.

There is evidence that there is a new species of human that has a gigantic head. And the IQ is well above mine, and most likely yours. They are innately and permanently isolated from society. It’s very difficult to be isolated. No matter how smart you are. Many studies of the extremely high IQ have shown severe social isolation. It’s not their fault.

This will explain better than I can:

… It also suggests that the right side fat tail may be the result of a secondary population with a mean R16IQ of 155.  The implied mean cranial volume for the population is 1,686cc.  This may be evidence of sympatric speciation caused by assortive mating with regard to intelligence.  A slight increase in mean cranial volume to 1,781 will result in a cranial difference between the H. megacephalus and H. sapiens that is identical to the difference between H. sapiens and H. erectus.  In other words, the next evolutionary step may already be emerging.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being humble. I don’t even know what humble means. I think it means internalizing some bullshit and obviously fake ethos of trying not to insult people by making them feel inferior. Even if they are.

How nice. Let’s all get along, even if we are fundamentally inconpatible. Use small words so that you won’t be ostracised. Or slaned, as often happens; mass cultural extermination of the intelligentia. Pol Pot. Mao. Every dictactor or person or group who understood the real threat to their power and did something about it. Schoolyard bullies. We all do our best for power.

It’s the economy and population that’s allowing a new evolution of humans. Niven’s classic Sci-Fi tale Ringworld explained how population speeds up evolution time. The link below will re-iterate Heinleins idea about the Jews and money. That classes of people breed for money. Ya. He said that. He could get away with saying almost anything. Because he said it well. He even talked about incest. And no other human can do that.

I’m a low level genius, which is smart enought to know I’m that relative to some I have the mental capacity of a young child. I’ve known that for nearly ask long as I’ve known that I’m smarter than most. In some classrooms I wasn’t the smartest, and the smartest were obviously quite a lot smarter than me; a few looked down on me from clouds higher than I look down on the stupid average. I’m two or three or four standard deviations above average, whatever that means, and that kind of difference can keep happening above my head.

High school computer class exposed us. Some people coded as fast as they could type, and didn’t need to keep running their code to check for errors. Actually one guy blew the whole high school out of the water. Another was great. Another very good. I was merely better than most of the rest. Still a relative idiot. The superstar was in a world of his own.


This would be a good time to point out that the psycological tests for narcissism were written by midwits who have no concept that some people have an accurate self conception of truly being better. Only a politician could say “All men are created equal”, and only a dim to mid-wit could vomit and demand group regurgitation and re-swallowing of the ideal of democratic equality convincingly to the captive audience.

Not everyone suffers fools gladly

Another reader just doesn’t get the concept of “theory of mind”.  My recent posts about there being drastically different mental types flew over his head, and all he could think about was “ego”.

I read your original post. As you must know ‘Have you eaten?’ is a pretty common greeting in Malaysia and Indonesia. It is just a form politeness and manners in those cultures. You need to get over yourself fella. By the way what exactly has your huge intellect produced? If it is as big as you ego it must be a sensational corpus of work.

Ya, no kidding. It’s said instead of “what’s up”, or hello. But some people start at that level of banality and leave it at that, with nothing more to say.

Yes, I’m cantankerous and irritable. And for good reasons. I haven’t had a decent conversation with an interesting person in ages. It’s making me nuts.

A guy can’t be expected to hang around with idiots and maintain his composure forever. Yes, sooner or later he will snap. It’s perfectly normal.

By the way, have you eaten?

How’s the weather over there?

What do you think about our sports team lately? Go sports team!

Some people are easy going about such banalities. I’m usually easy going also. But fill up my WHOLE life with banality and I’m going to fucking snap.

And I’m not the first person to point out that there are well defined and well studied personality archetypes that fucking hate these banalities.

We really dislike them.

I’m accurately reporting my personal experience. I’ve read about studies about people with similar experiences. Do I have a gigantic ego for disliking banalities?

What difference does it make. Why aren’t you the least bit curious to learn that in order to interact harmoniously with people, you’ll have to expect that some of them will be just like me. And HATE banal talk, including all talk of sports teams. There are people like me who are constantly having thoughts that are interesting to them running through their minds.

We exist. Big ego or not, we exist. Accomplished or not, intelligent or not – this is how we think. It’s genuinely and truly very different than average.

If that’s insulting to you then whatever.

Get over yourself for expecting me to get over banalities! People vary widely. A lot of us really really really dislike these pointless banalities.

It’s not in the least bit uncommon. You could google it and find article after article about people like this.

Some people use conversation and information fundamentally differently. We don’t use it for polite hi-how-do-you do’s. We just don’t. We hate that. We always will hate it.

We use conversation to transmit interesting information.

Have you eaten?

Every single day of all my life, even as a kid, has been deeply mentally engaging.

Does that give me a big ego? WHO CARES how big my ego is? What does that have to do with the price of beans in Africa? There are a minority of people like me, who have highly active mental lives that never stop. We are deeply intensely curious, forever exploring, pushing boundaries, inventing. Whether we are good at what we do, or accomplish anything, or entertain anyone has nothing to do with nothing. It’s how OUR brains work. If you meet someone like me, you can’t change that by telling me to get over myself. I’ll still be thinking about something far more interesting to me than:

Have you eaten? Looks like rain. What’s your favorite football team?

It’s an imposition on my awareness to ask me these things. It’s stealing my awareness, stealing my precious brain cycles. I’m busy! If you are going to force yourself on my awareness, add value! Be interesting!

Lots of people do.

Those people are usually similar to me. I’m not unique. There are lots of people like me.

Maybe now that I’ve educated you, you’ll know who you are meeting when you meet someone like me. And won’t be so arrogant as to assume that you understand what they value, how they think, an how they SHOULD think.

Really. It’s just fucking rude to go around asking random strangers who their favorite football team is. Taxi drivers in Thailand do that all the time. What an arrogant and ignorant assumption, that I give a flying fuck. Did it not cross your mind that I might be thinking about something FAR more interesting? Puzzling over something really entertaining and engaging? That you are stealing from me my attention from a more valuable task in order to bother me with trying to connect about something that I not only don’t care about, but actively dislike caring about?

It’s mental theft. You are hijacking my CPU to mine your bitcoins. Assuming that I’m not using it for anything valuable to me at the moment. CPU cycles have value.

It’s to be expected that people who are not in the habit of being mentally engaged will have no theory of mind about those who are. It will never cross your minds that someone just sitting there could be “busy”.

We don’t have to prove to you that our thoughts are valuable to us to have them be valuable to us. We ARE busy.

Sometimes I’m busy relaxing my mind into sensations, as an open eyed meditation. Silently expanding beyond thought into as much of the present moment as possible. Even that is WAY more engaging than “Have you eaten.” I’ll be in a taxi and the girl will try to fill up the airwaves with noise in order to engage. But she will have no concept about being interesting. You can’t just be banal and expect everyone to play along and enjoy the engagement. People like me will resent your imposition. Be interesting or shut up!

It’s really not all that complicated. Not everyone suffers fools gladly.

And as for what I’ve produced, well, this blog is something. A lot of people have told me that it’s been a huge influence and that they value it a lot. It’s very valuable to me. And that’s just the blog. My mind produces endlessly. People have given me way over the top compliments about what my mind produces.  Online and in real life the word genius has been used thousands of times. But that’s not a compliment, it’s a description. The over the top stuff is that I’ve heard many times from many different people that “just knowing that someone like you exists at all changed my life”.  That’s not my ego.  That’s other people talking to me.

YOU don’t have to appreciate the weird shit that goes on in my head. Lots of other people do.  *I* do.

This IS the planet of the apes. We ARE classes of gorillas and chimps.

There is a cultural aversion to noticing differences.  Men and women are supposed to be identical.  People with different heritages are supposed to be evolutionarily identical.  The politically correct thought is that we don’t live in a physical world and don’t have physical minds.  We live in “environments” and everything is nothing but thoughts influencing thoughts.  We could be anything if only we were trained that way.  There is no gender.  There is no genius.  There is only equality.

An extremely ill conceived and fundamentally stupid comment on my last post:

They were just checking to see if you weren’t hungry.

That’s a gesture that’s arguably more valuable than anything your creativity can give.

You could write hundreds of books, publish millions of songs, compose a thousand ballads, introduce people to any delightful fantasies, recall your adventures in Canada, and it wouldn’t even scratch the amount of pleasure/eutility that would be given to anyone else if they have had a nice piece of fruit while watching the sunset.

I wonder if you actually believe that, or if you are just trying to be contrary.

Let’s go with that you actually believe what you just said. Think of the implications.

It means that YOU don’t get much pleasure from books or music.

It means that YOU don’t get much pleasure from art.

Yes, there really are people like YOU.

And there are people very, very, very different than YOU.

I come across people all the time who not only don’t have an active mental life, but who consider mental activity boring to the point of painful. They are unwilling to even begin to imagine that some people get great pleasure in thinking. They certainly don’t get that pleasure!

It’s like talking to a wall to try to explain to such people that some of us think for fun. We actually enjoy it!

And we derive ongoing pleasure and satisfaction from the great works of others. Our life would be miserably impoverished without the science, art, philosophy, music and other great works that we constantly enrich ourselves with.

No sunset or pear can replace or surpass the richness of the mind.

Thank you to all the creatives! I’m very grateful. I’m listening, learning your science, and grooving along to your poetry and music. Keep up the good work.

Bro, do you even improv? Permanent puberty.

Ch ch ch ch changes. Turn to face the strange changes.

Time may change me. But I can’t change time.

A press release was widely re-written as original news throughout the mass media a few years back.  The buzz was about a paper published in some psych journal which claimed that introverts are introverted because they are smart enough to not need support from society.

It’s ironic that the paper got regurgitated without comment by all the “journalists”.  The irony is that each journalist, from the hundreds of outlets that chose to cover the story, had nothing unique to add.  They each added a touch of stylistic flair to their writing, but other than that…

They were writing about how creative people are different, and yet were not being creative while “reporting” about the subject.

A few years back I had smoked some pot and swallowed some tianeptine, and commenced to play ping ping with Aaron at my villa in Bali.  He thought I was insane when I started talking about how I was creatively hallucinating colorful patterns upon the speeding ping pong ball.

Bro.  Do you even improv?

When I was a child, I had to learn how to not wet my bed. The only option that I could think of was to learn how to lucid dream. It’s obvious. I didn’t read a book about lucid dreaming. I just didn’t want to wet my bed.

Most people that I meet don’t even remember their dreams.

That psych paper may have been fluff, but I think it was onto something.  There are different classes of humans.  We are really different.  The creative class is permanently lonely and alienated.  Unless they manage to somehow group.

When I’m half asleep, a massively insanely fast multi-parallel intelligence arises.  I’m 50 now, so it’s no surprise that this part of my brain can leak out even when I’m not asleep, after all this time.  Yes, I can have open eyed hallucinations that are under my conscious control.  To a degree, and at times.  Why not?

As a kid I noticed that other kids did not write fictional tales.  That was just weird.  I wrote them.  I can spin off tales like mad.

I can dream.

I can create new music endlessly.  I do that.  Every day.

I’ve noticed that great musicians talk about their accomplishments as if in the third person.  They are proud.  Without shame they are proud.  Becuause nobody knows or understand where the muse comes from.  This creativity is not owned.  It comes to us.  And for some of us it ALWAYS comes to us.  Constantly.

I’ve heard it said that introverts don’t like to hear other people talk to us, because other people are more boring than our own inner voices.

That’s mostly true.

The real truth is that we love to hear other creative people talk to us.  We just find that most people are not the same as us; most people don’t improv.  They are not worth listening to.

“Did you eat today?”

Over and over in Indonesia people ask me if I ate.  Shut Up!  Please shut up.  My own inner voice is far more interesting.  Your concern is an imposition upon my time and awareness.  Say something interesting or say nothing. Concern is not interesting

If you have nothing to say, then don’t say it.  Most people are just monkeys in a forest babbling out noises that mean little more than “I’m here.  I’m over here.  I’m still here”.

I don’t care.  I know you are there.  Shut up about it.  Yes, I ate.  Anything else?

Some of us are in a state of permanent puberty. Constantly re-inventing ourselves and re-discovering fundamental relationships to this world.

We are not same as  you.  We are not boring.  Don’t bore us.

Create something new, NOW, or shut up, now.





Why does every girl in the world expect me to change?

I’m guilty of being old.

In fact I’m so old that I’m a fading star.

I’m a complex man forever struggling to understand my self and the world that I live in. I can’t expect anyone else to simply understand me at face value when every thing that exists is a boiling misting cauldron of forever-mystery.

Lately I’ve pulled back from having sex. I’ve become a grass eater man going his own way. I just want everyone to stop bothering me.

Every time I get close to anyone that person inevitably expects herself to become my whole world. They expect my eyes to not be capable of seeing other vaginas. They expect me to magically transform into something that I never was, never could be, and never wanted to be.

Girls keep waiting and waiting for me to become so old and decrepit and useless that I’ll finally have no other option and have no choice but to “settle down”.

Even if I’m completely infirm and my cock can’t fill up with blood any more, I’ll still be a male. I’ll still be human. I’ll still have eyes. I’ll still be interested in more than one person.

Every single girl on the planet conspires to make it a crime to be male. To be human. To breath air.

I am not, can not, and will never be monogamous. Love comes and goes. Love is great. But it doesn’t last.

I’m guilty of being old. Any one who is old has cycled through multiple loves and lovers. The facts of life are an open secret. Love comes and goes. That’s great. You can’t pin your future onto love. Love is a balloon, that will pop. Balloons are great. But aren’t a plan for the future. They’re just balloons.

I can’t be anyone’s future. I’m just a balloon also.

You can’t own anyone. There is no infatuation strong enough, no girl beautiful enough or smart enough to not be a balloon.

We are all balloons are all popping all the time. Love doesn’t last. You can’t have a future on the boat of love. The boat ALWAYS sinks. Always.

It’s not even a boat.

It’s a balloon.

A lot of the talk about women in forums and spheres has been from the point of view of a relatively low value man trying to get with and maintain sexual lust/love with a girl. The stories are largely about how the girls are not really into the guy, and what can the guy do to change that.

Well it happens, often, in the reverse. That girls are way into a guy, and the guy just wants to have his freedom.

No guy wants to open his mouth. To let the secret out of the bag. If any man says the open secret the girls will conspire to not fuck him.

But we are all guys! We want to fuck! It’s nothing shameful! We have eyes. There is not only one human on the planet.

There never will be only one girl on the planet.

A friend came to visit me here in Indonesia. His lifestyle has greatly changed, and now he’s dating multiple young women. He has freedom and variety, and nobody is bothering him about who he is fucking.

I used to live like that. Not even that long ago.

But always always always as soon as you give an inch, the girls expect a mile. I give some attention and affection and then the next next thing you know girls want me to meet their parents and everybody is grilling me about marriage.

Fuck off!

Fuck off!
Fuck off!

Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!Fuck off!

Jesus. I’d rather just masturbate than be owned by any individual.

Or their family. Or stupid collection of idiots known as “society”.

I am free.

I am the sun.

I can’t change.

I don’t want to change.

I never will change.

I’m guilty of breathing air.

Just like everyone else.

I’m guilty of the same open secret every one else is guilty of.

I will never not be what I am. I will always want to and try to fuck lots of girls. No matter what. Until I’m dead.

Nothing. Nothing. NOTHING can change that. Not love. Not any particular girl. Nothing.

I’m just sick and tired of it. You give an inch. Next thing you know the girl is wandering into your house without permission and leaving her cell phone charger as an excuse to check up on you.

Asking over and over about marriage.

Fuck! Why? What did I ever do to lead the person on? I am what I am! That’s it! Nothing else.

My poor education was a tragedy of missed opportunity

It’s long been knows that to maximize a persons potential at a complex task, training should start at a very young age, while the brain is still developing.

There was a psychologist who set out to demonstrate this by training his daughter at a young age to become a chess wizard. His experiment was a perfect demonstration, and his daughter became one of the worlds top champions.

I’ve been dicking around on the piano for the last few years, and occasionally it comes to mind what a missed opportunity my grade-school music classes were. The teachers were unskilled, untrained, inept, and sometimes outright stupid. They considered music class a throwaway make work babysitting job, and just had us sing along to row-row-row your boat.

Schools also have the policy to not segregate the smartest students together. Grouping smart kids dramatically increases the smart kids development, but it’s at the expense of the crowd. Having smart kids among stupid kids makes the stupid kids smarter. So average administrators who identify with average students adopt a short sighted socialist policy believing it to be for the common good.

But in the long run it stunts the greater good. It is the outliers who make the big contributions to society.

Public schools also simply don’t have the resources to maximize the potential of their students. The wealthy know about both the limitations and importance of school resources, and so go to extreme ends to get their children into the best possible schools.

I’m told that the public schools that I went to in Canada were above average to quite good. But I didn’t have a private music tutor who could push me to learn in ways appropriate to my particular learning style, always challenging me just above my current ability. Imagine if I had! I’d be fluent in most musical styles and be able to improvise complex arrangements on many instruments, or hear a song and reproduce it and add to it, playing by ear.

The lost opportunity is a genuine tragedy. How is the lost opportunity any different than if I had developed such a talent and lost it all due to a violent head injury later in life?

You can take a group of 30 random children, seat them in desks from 9am to 3:45 pm and teach them all course work. That’s not against the law – in fact it is demanded by law. Teachers in my grade-school admitted to me that their job was little more than babysitting. It’s outmoded, inefficient, and tragic. Criminally tragic. Imagine as an adult being forced against your will to waste your time and your future?

Instead we need highly specialized teaching, so that developing minds are engaged to learn at a level constantly adjusted to be just above their current ability. In subjects that are not make-work throwaway useless to their future actions. Not everyone needs to learn algebra.

We insist on standardized testing to ensure that our children become jacks of all trades and masters of none. And we all of us, individually and collectively, suffer for it.

Kids should have the opportunities to start learning meditation, chi-kung, programming, sales, social engineering, hypnosis, biology, and other highly specialized skill sets and knowledge pools. They need access to the best possible training starting at the youngest possible ages. That can’t be done in our current system of having underpaid and inept educators demanding identical rote responses from a randomly associated group.

Course work needs to be highly individualized and fluid, and specializations need to begin at young ages.

We don’t need 100 teachers each earning 150k per year per classroom of 30 students to accomplish this. We can instead use virtual classrooms.

As of now it isn’t until college that students are segregated according to ability. It’s very difficult to get into exclusive music or dance or business or science schools. Aptitude and sustained diligent effort must be proven, often along with supporting social characteristics. We can segregate young children such that each one is taught at just above his ability, in the most interesting and challenging ways. We can do this with virtual classrooms.

VR tech will continue to improve, but even today goggles and fast internet connection are good enough to closely mimic the traditional classroom. We could have one expert teacher paid 1/4 million per year to lecture to 1000 students in a VR class, pay programmers and educators millions to design learning games, similar in principle to what we already have, such as typing-tutor game, or guitar hero. We can have individual tutors rated publicly, and available for private and group sessions.

Different educational systems could compete in the open market, by having a household allowance to spend towards private schools of your choice. Results could be tracked over short to ultra long term. Over a long timeline meaningful results could be correlated for childhood education and it’s relation to lifetime achievement and satisfaction. Who cares if you got an A+ in math in grade two, if you died an alcoholic at 40?

The increased economic output of a more productive tax base would more than make up for the expense of re-organizing and continually optimizing a publicly funded free market of educational systems.

Kids could still show up at school, and still play kick-ball at recess. There would still be shared activities in meat-space. School would still function as the social hub of the children’s communities.

But not the only hub. Each child would spend most of his learning time in VR classes.

Society could leapfrog into a next generation – a version 2.0. This would be a dramatic influence on all parts of our lives. We could maximize our individual and collective potential.

We would achieve orders of magnitude more.

And education towards job performance is not the only goal to maximize. Not everyone is an outlier – most people are destined to be consumers, not producers. The education system can prepare people for maximizing personal and collective happiness as well. It can prepare people to contribute to each other in a service economy of helping each other.

Long ago we realized that a food surplus gave people the free time to pursue cultural interests; you can’t subsidize a community of abstract impressionists in a hunter gatherer society.

As AI and robots automate more of what humans were required for, we will have more options than to either program the toothpaste making machines or starve in a hovel. And slacking off being fed marshmallows by Jeeves the robot while our hands are busy with the game controller doesn’t have to be the third option.

We can paint each others nails, give each other massages, and service each other socially in endless meat-space and virtual ways. Google and Facebook can morph their cloud AI infrastructure to monitor our personal satisfaction and tease out what works to increase personal and collective satisfaction. The consumer mentality can be guided into click-bait and farmville type addictive activities that lead to increasing Google’s and Facebook’s profits through increased long term productivity. Henry Ford wanted his workers to afford his cars. Google wants society to prosper.

Some of us will prosper through becoming the next stoned Willie Nelson, and some of us will prosper by inventing what amounts to the next blue light LED. The more curious and talented can be guided from the youngest ages to excel to the maximum of their potential, and the less curious can still be guided well.

Then we can all finally have our flying cars, transcontinental hyperloops, and vacations to the wind tunnels in the moon where we can plug our spinal taps into Pterodactyl suits and hone our aerobatic skills. And meet our surgically perfected mate of the month, who trained from a young age to achieve the 10th level black-belt in 10 erotic arts.

All of this becomes obvious if you take up piano at a late age.

AI is going to play an ever increasing part in decision making.

If executives are short sighted, AI algorithms will not be. Statistics don’t actually lie, and correlation is closely tied to causation. Executives who ignore AI will be replaced by it, and AI will discover deep patterns in vast fields of data and explore all outcomes of millions of chess moves ahead to help us navigate our best potentials.

We’ve already passed the singularity – you can’t learn fast enough to keep up with new tech. There will be AI and bio-engineered intelligences, that even if not sentient, will have informational processing power far beyond our human ability visualize. If the borg looks on us kindly, all ships will rise with the tide.

Elon Musk is involved with democratizing AI. He realizes that those without access to AI will essentially be poor.

Merry Xday

Warm wishes to all my friends and readers.

It’s traditional as the calendar end approaches to pick up the entirety of it and look it over. Re-read the book of the year, before writing a new one.

This year for me was marked by hope, struggle, loss, crisis, and re-balancing. Just in time for the season of joy the themes are shifting again into good expectations.

I’ve been quite ill the last few weeks with dysbiosis coupled with Crohn’s. Today is not the day to blog about the details of how I manage both chronic conditions, so I’ll just summarize that I’m ill today but once again on the road to recovery.

Being ill has dramatically changed my focus. My libido has been completely dead, which opened up space for other interests and passions. There is so much to learn about! It’s delicious. Current interests are about science and futurism, which leads into unending forks of particle and astro-physics. It’s fascinating stuff. These two Youtube channels have been all that I’ve been watching:

I prefer to download all the videos using Youtube DL and save them to my multimedia player, so that I can use the handy remote for pausing and re-winding to enable frequent Wikipedia breaks. What an amazing world. So much of this knowledge is new, and how we now access it is new. None of this was available in my local library as a teenager.

Being endlessly curious is harmful to my business. I can’t focus on any one thing for long; there is too much new and unrelated stuff to learn about!

But being endlessly curious is great for my business. I’m always coming across bigger and better business options. A common cycle for me is to start 10 projects, focus on four, make money with one or two, lose interest and mis-manage until I get a financial crisis, and then resolve the crisis with a newly discovered business opportunity. Of course I always have steady income which is several times more than I need to live on, but it’s always tempting to over-reinvest. In the past I’ve coasted until I had to wonder what do with the savings, but for the last two years I’ve been very aggressive with R&D and long term business investments, to the point of living on the edge.

I recently resolved a short term crisis in a way that is opening doors. There are some gigantic opportunities. In addition to the science, I’m also studying another endlessly deep and fascinating field. I wish I had some guys here to share it with, both for fun and because there is so much to be done.

I’ve had guys out here working on some businesses before, and at minimum we all had some of the best times of our lives. There was a lot that went very well. Business wise it didn’t always work great, but overall for me has been profitable. I’ve had to pull back from working with a team of Westerners as I needed to re-group. I’ll come at it again with more resources and better opportunities. I was always able to be a good host in the past, but next time there will be more opulence, plus better opportunities. I’ll be upping the game substantially. Once again the vision will be a lifestyle oriented tribe, but we’ll have better vetting and some tough ongoing goals that will need to be met in order to stay. I need to be in more of a buyers market as an employer. As of now it’s a sellers market; good people are hard to find.

I see girls, beaches, posh villas, lavish expense accounts, and well oiled connections.

In summary, it’s been a quiet year here, with some dashed hopes and some troubles. Coming out of the end of the tumultuous year I’m strangely satisfied. So much progress that I had planned on in some ventures has moved far too slowly. But I do have some complete and nearly complete prototypes of cool stuff. Strangely those are not the cause of the year ending on an upswing. It was my dangerous addiction to new knowledge that opened up entirely new vistas that have nothing to do with all my past efforts that brings me to a better place.

The old efforts will get new infusions of capital and personnel. They will be handled on a totally new level. The new efforts will dwarf the old to make them financially redundant and more of a lifestyle hack.

Ok, that’s my update from Indonesia. Hope to meet more of you guys in person this year.

Right and wrong is a social contract that means you must betray and out those that break your preferred contracts.

Is being able to lie or deceive a positive quality? One that can bring more benefits than we like to believe? Sure that it can also be dangerous and make you lose quality people if that is your character all the time. But wouldn’t it be positive at certain times?

Children must be taught that social norms and parental expectations are the equal to right and wrong.

Some people eventually begin to question rules.

It’s emotionally and psychologically difficult to question certain rules. We have the term “cognitive dissonance” to put a pin in the mental map of the shit that goes down when our brains overload from frying our circuits. Our neurons are wired up, naturally, to know and understand rules.

Right and wrong are basic rules we were reminded of, constantly, since before we could form long term memories.

Yet from other perspectives it’s quickly clear that right and wrong are strategies to power. Evolutionary psychology would predict and accurately record that monkeys and dogs will steal dinner scraps only if no one in power is looking. We lie when we expect to get away with it.

From this I will jump ahead.

There is no empirical right and wrong. There are social mores. It’s fine to kill and intern Japs if it’s WW2 and your society is wartime US. It’s totally wrong, even as a US citizen, from a different social time.

And we must take this one step further.

Right and wrong completely relies on outing people who betray social mores.

Right and wrong can not work without law, betraying confidence, and outing people who betray contracts.

There is no right and wrong. It’s a SOCIAL contract.

Only society can create and enforce it. And it only works through outing people.

(This post was written as fast as I could type it with no edits, after drinking half a big bottle of vodka. That’s an admission of weakness, not a boast.)

Further thoughts:

There is no society. We clique and shift alliances.

Listen behind the vocals and melody and hear the producer

Whoever produced this song was heavily influenced by Phil Spector.

I’m very impressed by the contrasting moods and the integration of the moods into the wall.  There is a the healing soothing motherly comforting lulaby womans voice.  The angry yet soulful, nearly tearful yet firm and hard male voice. Can he do that inspired performance on command?!  The strings mix with male voices into a blend you have to strain your ear at to pick apart.  I’m reminded of the Sopranos by the story that comes from the strings; a moody mixture of resignation to loss and pain  and an embrace of the fighters spirit to win anyway.

Notice how the wall of sound cuts back to simplicity at times.  Notice how the wall introduces itself and you don’t even notice the wall hitting you.  This is genius level producing.

This song is the product of not just an amazing talent of a vocalist.  Not just every word perfect song writing.  There was a Phil Spector level talent of producing behind this.

I didn’t google it yet.

External validation is good!

Esteem comes from others. No matter how highly one thinks one deserves it, that doesn’t change how much others think you deserve it.

My unique insight into psychology (point me to sources if I’m wrong) is that social-esteem and self-esteem are intimately bound. It’s been discussed before how there is a social esteem economy. I think I’m the first person to claim that this economy is inextricably bound up with our own self-esteem. My claim is that self esteem is nothing but our own evaluation of our position of social esteem.

There are many sources and types of esteem. Different crowds have different esteem values. Whores and thieves, vs high society parents, for instance.

If you want to be esteemed by someone, be esteemed in the way that particular someone will give esteem. I get the frustration of having different values. Maybe we can teach values, and maybe we can “hold frame” to use the sheer force of personality to impose values.

Or we can just look elsewhere and find like minded people who don’t need a Pygmalian project to be educated to have like enough minds to recognize our value.

No matter what, it’s not only about what you are, it’s about how you are perceived. We have frustratingly little control over what others value.

Esteem is social and contextual, and therefore so is self-esteem. You might get esteem from video player geeks. But show up at a billionairs cocktail party and you would no longer feel so proud of your gaming ability.

Esteem is measured out to place us on social hierarchies, of which there are an infinite many.

Self esteem is an active and changing self evaluation that also happens within context. I say that there is no reason to fight it, but instead we can work with that evolved system. We don’t need the defenses of the narcissist in order to hold our own in situations where we are outclassed.

We don’t need to get angry and irritable at others for being too blind to see our value. (Peter-Parker-underwear-hero-syndrome)

We can instead work on the externals, for situations that affect our life in ways that we want. Play the game. Craft our self, such that we appear more estimable, to whom and when that helps us.

Doing so is not merely Machiavelian, it is the essence of growing genuine and deserved personal pride.

Be seen as excellent (in as many varied ways as benefit you) in order to FEEL excellent, in as many varied contexts as possible.

This is very different than be excellent to feel excellent. Without others seeing you as excellent is just doesn’t work.

Esteem, pride, self esteem, self evaluation – all of this is social. Interpersonal. It is not masturbation. It doesn’t count or mean anything without external validation.

External validation is good!

One implication of all this is that it’s a big help to others to give compliments.  It will make them feel better, and this will make you more valuable to them.