I’ve dated many women with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was even married to one in my early twenties. After I announced my intention to split up, I agreed to see a couples therapist, to in my mind help her to adjust to the new realities. I was so impressed by the woman that I later saw her on my own for a while. But then she started to suggest that it was important for me to talk about my mother, and I drew a line in the sand and would not go there.
At the time I thought it would be a non-productive swamp and was a fad idea with no merit, to talk about ones mother.
But it may be the case that the very troubling relationship that I had with my mother, is related to having dated way over the average number of girls with BPD.
Everyone is at least a little bit BPD, sometimes. And some people, when describing the female mind and the nature of women are basically describing borderline personality traits. Women on the whole are more BPD, day to day, than men.
I did learn a lot, over the years, dealing with these people that it is completely impossible to have a healthy relationship with. It doesn’t matter how incredible your game is, and how psychologically sublime and fit you are, you will get worn down and lose dealing with BPDs. They always “win”, long term. And they make it basically impossible to just fuck them for fun; they will make the drama that they need, one way or another.
But I did learn a lot, that I may not have learned otherwise. As I said, BPD is just an extreme example of the basic human condition. Shrinks4men is the goto website to learn more, and every man – EVERY man – needs to learn all he can about personality types and disorders.
Which brings me to the point of this post.
Not all women are like that, and handling conflict will change enormously depending on who you are having a conflict with.
The last very-low-conflict girl that I was with before V was Kiki. It was perhaps the happiest year of my life. It was like Christmas and a birthday, every day. Until she died, one year after we met and moved in together on the same day.
It was about 5 years later that I met V, who is one of the most gracious women I’ve ever met. Also very low conflict, yet not at all a doormat. Just emotionally open sensitive and healthy and respectful.
That changed me, I think. J is also a very low conflict girl, yet with her last boyfriend they argued all the time like crazy.
I’ve learned a great deal from V, about how to handle conflict. I never had one argument with V in the three years that we dated. Except on the last day of seeing her. And J and I never argue. I’ve been angry at her, and chastised her a few times, but we don’t bicker or fight.
I really don’t think that I had the social skills before to keep conflict at a minimum even with a potentially low conflict woman. I think also that I may have created or helped to bring out the low conflict ability in J.
Hmmm, I’m supposed to write a how to. A how to would be really helpful. Yet all I’m saying is that you can learn from both crazy and sane women, and that you can get better and better at maintaining love and joy and low conflict. I know there is more to it than that, but at the risk of posting a lower value post, I’m going to leave this here, and perhaps come back to it.
If anyone has any thoughts about how they’ve improved their ability to keep conflict in relationships low, please comment.