A few years ago I had many employees working on engineering new technology that was well timed for the market and should have done quite well financially.
It was a good idea, at the right time.
A major problem was finding qualified tech and software engineers in Indonesia. The education system here is very inadequate, and the few talented workers usually are snapped up by foreign countries that have more established and better paying tech companies.
But I also mis-managed. I wasn’t in the office, face to face enough. But I think a big problem was cultural. I really messed up in not being sensitive enough to the conservative culture.
I’m the type of guy who gets off on having public sex. I’ve done quite a lot of it, and I kind of like aggravating people by getting them horny and gossiping. I actually think it’s a positive public service. That overall it makes people happier, and gives them good memories.
But some of my employees left, they said, because I lived on the top floor of the 4th story large office/factory, and had two or three girls who would visit, and the drama leaked out all over the place. For instance I once had to physically carry out a hysterical screaming girl. And I had a westerner on the second floor for a time who had discovered chi-kung sex and him and his main squeeze were extremely loud and frequent. I’m loud too, but as far as I know they couldn’t hear me downstairs from the 4th floor.
I lost some good engineers because of this. One I kept trying to hire back, but he said he wanted to only work for a Muslim company. Another left saying it didn’t feel right to work in a living space, but I know it was code for the drama of my unconventional lifestyle. The girls would often hang out downstairs in the kitchen and sometimes gossip with the staff.
I don’t think any of the female staff were put off. Strangely enough, girls seem to get it. They get it that some guys are going to get a lot of attention, and have multiple girls, and I never got any sense from any of the girls that they were even slightly put off by it.
And some of the guys seemed totally fine. But emotions are tricky. We might not really know why we have them. I have a theory that when people are jealous they don’t usually know that they are jealous. They know that they are offended and angry. They feel that something wrong is happening.
I was extremely insensitive to this. I always thought that it’s simply other people’s problem, and that it was due mostly to ignorance or closed mindedness.
Which was not only insensitive to others feelings, but was financially foolish, and outright mis-management.
It’s not just a cultural difference; I once knew a westerner who complained about my girlfriend, a girl he actually dated first, that she was too loud a screamer in bed, and that this was very rude to the neighbors. I remember once touring with her down from the mountains into town while she was still in a bra on the back of my bike, and he thought this was hugely insensitive to the locals. I didn’t really get either of his viewpoints, at the time. Maybe I’ll never be able to actually empathize, but I can at least care.
I’m a bit of a rascal about deliberately making people sexually jealous. In Thailand I’d revel in the hate stares that the older female tourists would constantly be giving me. It made me feel I was doing it right. They wanted to assume that the girls were somehow abused prostitutes, and tried their best to be oblivious to the impossible to ignore obvious body language of the girls being incredibly doting and smitten. It’s never young hotties that are bothered; my attractive young partners usually attracted around them, especially on the dance floor, a coterie of similarly hot young things. Girls get status associating with similar beauty, so they quickly form cliques, and none of the other hotties ever had any problem with the age and attractiveness disparity at all. So the obvious theory of mind is that the older women were trying to culturally enforce a rule that older men aren’t allowed to date younger women, because it’s too threatening to the stability of long term marriage, and the value of older women. So fuck em, I always thought. I love being out with a hottie and bothering the older women.
Some guys express the idea that it’s actually disgusting and laughable for an older guy to date younger women. They assume that the girls are somehow purchased and would not associate with an older man for any other reason other than provisioning. They get physical revulsion, and think it’s disgusting. Of course this is clearly self serving ignorance. The girls I’m with are very obviously and clearly smitten, and sometimes would cry in public if distressed, or cause huge drama trying to get me back and being monogamous, etc etc etc. Very clear and obvious signals that are impossible to ignore, without an extreme effort at denying reality. So I usually think fuck the guys too. Petty jealousy, clearly.
So I’ve been quite the rascal about it. As if I’m performing a public service by being so counter-cultural, and wandering around town with very much younger hot little girls dressed up to arouse more than mere attention.
And the girls usually revel in this too – and revel in public sexuality – especially loud noises where they know neighbors can hear. They are proud of their sexuality, and get off on the attention too. Girls with above average sexual prowess and attractiveness like to flaunt it and lord it over the others, as a type of super power, especially when they feel they have landed a valuable man that other girls could not get. This is primal; female monkeys are known to have extremely loud sex with with a top alpha monkey in the troup, to advertise their sexual status in the troupe. Their sexual value.
But these seemingly unequal flaunted partnerships do upset some people – older women and younger men, mostly. The ones who would consider me as going against their interests. Young guys don’t want interlopers stealing up all the hot women; they think those belong to them. And older women hate men being out of their control to police. And again, people who are jealous deliberately NEVER know this. They don’t think they are feeling jealousy. There isn’t that type of introspection built into how jealousy works. They feel angry, disgusted, and morally outraged. “It’s so disgusting that that hottie is orgasming on your cock! Horrible! How dare you, you immoral, wrinkly, evil old man!”
Still though, loud fucking where the neighbors can hear? That’s just a part of life, isn’t it? I’ve heard neighbors before; usually it’s the girls who are the screamers, and I just can’t get it how this could bother someone.
I’ve also in the past been highly insensitive to the tremendous heartbreak that the women in my life were put through. They were of course always free to leave me. Right? Weren’t they? Or were they? When you are deeply in love, you aren’t free at all. You can’t turn that off. Eventually you’ll probably snap, but until you do, there is very little freedom. People get obsessed, and love can be choiceless. We don’t say “fall in love” for nothing. You don’t walk into love, you fall uncontrollably; it’s not volitional. And if it’s not volitional, there really isn’t exactly a lot of freedom to leave.
And I knew that and deliberately worked it, for years, with girls who kept telling me they were in pain.
I’ve been monogamous for over 11 months now, and don’t have the same hunting hunger that once completely dominated my life. It’s not a philosophical choice, and I can’t honestly apologize or say I was wrong before. I seemed to be doing what I seemed to have to do at the time. It made sense at the time. But it’s a nice low drama change of pace that heartbreak and drama isn’t built right into the very fabric of who I am and what I do now.
My girl and I are both rather liberally minded, and sometimes imagine somewhat non-traditional activities. But there is no urgency to destabilize our situation. We’re fun loving folks, but I’m not going to underestimate the power of jealousy, and am more sensitive than in the past about pushing people over the edge.
If I had staff again, I’d have to be more sensitive and careful not to be in your face again with non-traditional partnering. That can really bother some people, and although I may never really understand how or why people feel that way, I know that they do.
I’m not quite ready to start my next venture, but am still looking at China. My first visit was very intriguing. I’ll have to learn more about the culture there too; people can harbor resentments, without me knowing, and that can build up and be surprising.
Update: Speaking of “Girls with above average sexual prowess and attractiveness like to flaunt it and lord it over the others, as a type of super power, especially when they feel they have landed a valuable man that other girls could not get.”
Girls are famous for deliberately making other girls jealous. Of course it’s a dangerous game to play, because girls are also always trying to take each other down a few notches. This gets fucking crazy in the Phillipines, where girls use FAKE gossip, all day and all night long. There isn’t the cultural taboo there of lying.
In Canada if you get caught out in a lie, YOU’RE the one who loses face and social status. But it’s not like that in the Phils at all. You can just flat out openly lie with slandering gossip, and it’s fair game. So you get constant crazy bitchy backstabbing wild out of control fake news gossip being slung all over the place.
And admit it guys, you guys do it too. When some guys get emotional, they can really be little bitches about it, and slander other guys with ZERO interest in what the truth is. This is especially true when it comes to older guys being with younger women. Guys get jealous, don’t really fully appreciate what the roots of their emotions are, and will very deliberately avoid knowing anything about the real situation, unless it confirms their negative emotion. They WANT to be slanderous. They don’t want the truth at all.
I’ve heards it said that humans aren’t rational. We are limbic, and just happen to have an available rationality, that is controlled by the limbic system. We can appear rational, but most often it’s our primal monkey brain that dominates.
Chimps are fucking vicious social creatures, and social positioning includes constant political power plays. Yes, we want high status, but that will CERTAINLY make others jealous, and jealousy makes others want to bring you down, the first opportunity they get to safely do so. Because it will bring them up.
But we don’t feel or know that this is what we are doing. We feel righteous and indignant.
And yet as soon as the very guy who was bitching about old ugly guys with hot girls gets old and gets a taste, he miraculously changes his tune, and falls into infatuation, and suddenly it’s all good.
Suddenly instead of being irritated at guys acting too big for their britches, he’s getting a small thrill out of being king of the hill for a change, and gets a little bit of pleasure flaunting his status and making other people uncomfortably jealous.
The politics of the inherited limbic system.
A relevant comment Nash made on theredquest
The “petit-maitre” is the type of player Feher uses in those quotes. The “littleness” (petit) there (I believe) is in contrast to a full-on Liberterine, that not only wants the sex… but wants polite society to watch while he does impolite things (he wants that more than the sex, actually). He wants to rub a type of wild, sexual chaos in the face of the Victorian types. I understand the appeal… but I don’t share it.