Wow, the sleeping dragon awakes! That was fast, and didn’t take much.

“Wow, you fuck me so good. I’ve never felt like that before.”, she said, touching her hand to her lower belly, with a slightly puzzled and inquisitive look, mixed with delight, wonder, and appreciation on her face.

I know, I know, maybe she says that to all the guys, right? Well, in our first session she was surprised that I was not “finishing”, and kinda wanted me to hurry up. Her last boyfriend would just pump away for 10 minutes and done.

I didn’t know her yet, and so the first time we met yesterday fucked her like a more experienced girl who was used to G-spot sex. My error.

The next day I gave her more attentive treatment, with a modest amount of foreplay, and clit and nipple attention throughout most of the fucking. And a few hours of listening to her and stroking and bonding with her before hand. That was all it took to light some fire. Then in the middle of the night she initiated the second round, being a squirmy wormy, grinding on me. Based on previous performances I mis-judged her stamina, and came before she was ready – a gigantic Daddy Loves You explosion that took every last drop of moisture out of my mojo, and she still kept grinding and grinding greedily on my still hard and rammed as deep as possible but unmoving dick.

She nearly begged for more, but I was fucking spent.

It seems that if there is going to be a stamina problem in this relationship, it might more likely be on my end rather than hers. We’ll see. I always enjoy a good sexual contest.

And I’m quickly falling in love with her, and her me. That was mate-bonding love sex. The kind where the girl starts to cry a bit – you know, that bitter sweet intense pleasure that is so soulful that it makes you cry. Slightly similar to crying during touching parts within a movie. Too bad we don’t have more refined words for the different types of crying.

Oh, and my kundalini seems to be waking up. It’s been years since that was on fire. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Maybe it’s just a one night thing. Or maybe my body is really, really into this girl.

Which for the first time ever makes me feel like it’s sex that would be detrimental to the bonds with V. Of course it’s a silly obsession to still think of her – she broke up with me and blocked contact. But V was hugely in love with me, and it still feels terrible to replace that pair bond. It was never my intention to have sex with others replace our primary bond. A nuance that she is not capable of understanding or caring about. But one that is kind of a big deal to me.

Which again reminds me of a way V is incompatible – her stubborn BPD insistance that in matters of her jealousy feelings, my feelings and intentions don’t exist or count; “I could not possibly really love her, if I also get close to other girls” is her exact stated thought. It’s still quite sad to me, and I still see her face sharply in my mind, very often.

Anyway, looks like this new girl and me will pair bond.  That thought includes sadness of moving on from the last pair bond.

Update:  Attentive long time readers may notice the hidden theme of this post.  The Easter Egg.

It is BECAUSE I’m the kind of guy who does grieve so long and hard for V that this new girl fucked me on the first date, wanted to move in on the first date, and had pair bonding tearful best in her life sex on her second date.

Well, that and that I’m quite experienced.

Once again, Alpha Fucks and Beta Bucks is so cartoonishly simplistic as to be more wrong than right.

Update: She outlasted me again this morning.  Later we snuggled in my recliner just hanging, and she recounted how useless her sexual past was.  I’ve heard this story so many times.  There are girls out there who’ve had plenty of sex who are still basically virgins.  She had been confused why all her friends said that sex was so great, when for her it was nothing.  Finally she meets a guy who knows how to fuck, and it’s a totally new dimension of reality opens up for her.  It’s not so much that I’m so great in bed, technically lately I can be rather lazy, but that most guys (and girls, frankly) can’t fuck.  It’s really a tragedy.  Can’t we teach sex ed properly in high school?

I also think that sex is quite a lot to do with very subtle emotional feedback.  We can tell when our lover gets aroused, and when we play that arousal in simpatico, and sustain it, you can create sexual music – each time different.

I have a VERY hard time getting dates.  Pretty well my whole life it’s been like this.  Almost impossible even just to get one date, with a girl I believe is a match that I deserve.  Two months of online dating just to finally get one date, even though I was willing to fly anywhere in the whole country. But once I’m alone in a room with someone, the date usually goes very well.  And after that we bond.  Girls quickly feel as if they’ve met their soul mate, or as if we’ve known each other for a long time, and been together as lovers already for a long time.  That’s just routine for me; first date, have better sex than she’s used to, bond, then I own her, and we take care of each other and become entwined in each others lives.

You can’t really capture character in a photo, and character can make beautiful faces ugly, and ugly faces beautiful. In person an unphotegenic man, or even woman, can be much more appealing. Or less.

So a lot about attraction is emotional.  Emotional openness.  Energetic fluency.  Emotional fluency.  I have a strong congruence of character of being loving and able to receive love.  It’s not a game or a magic seduction trick, it really is “just be yourself” game, only the self that I have been very careful to cultivate is a musical instrument that I know how to play.

Chi-kung, meditation, long history of many loving deep long term relationships.  My history is an open book in my character, and I’ve been as careful as I can be to keep that character positive, open, loving, sensual, and fun.  And who wouldn’t want that?  So first dates usually go quite well.

Update: Holy shit.  That was amazing.  No wonder my kundalini turned itself on, in anticipation of this chick.  On day three we had near kundalini level sex!  Holy fuck.  And I pressed and I believe her confirmation, this is all totally new to her.  Incredible how much was just lurking below the surface.

My experience is that MOST girls need to be at least a bit in love before they can open and start to give their best sex.  So for me, fast seduction and fast love go hand in hand, and I have absolutely zero interest in one night stands or prostitutes.  Good sex is simply completely different than mutual masturbation – an entirely different category – you can’t even call both things sex.

Update Jan 25: Wow. This is going better than I had even hoped. I had forgotten what it was even like to have kundalini sex, and that used to be my life, for decades. Unfortunately, I’m falling in love. I hate that! And I told her that I hate it. I told her to fall in love first, and that I’d just wait, and lover her only a little bit, until she’s crazy in love. Because I hate being in love! It’s fucking scary. I told her to hurry up and get pregnant so that she won’t run away. I told her that I don’t want her to know that I’m falling in love, because it’s a secret. I pushed her away physically and screamed “I don’t want to love you!” God damn it. It’s too vulnerable.

But I think she’s fucking georgous. From so many views. God, from behind, her vagina is like an extra add on thing – not just a space between her legs. A mound. Fucking georgeous pussy. And the waist to hip is out of this world, which is amazing because she has very small hips. So super slim waist.

I could go on and on.

And as often has been the case, it’s a shocking contrast in the mirror when we are side by side. She’s way the fuck out of my league. But also, she’s a definite type, that not all guys would be into. Skinny small. I’m thankful not all guys would see her the way I do. I think she’s fucking hot and amazing and gorgeous. I like just staring at her face. Or her lips. Or pretty well any part of her.

And we often make each other break out in belly laughs. I’ll laugh to tears with her, which is rare for me.

It’s kind of an amazing connection, pretty fast. Especially sexually; I told her that sexually it’s a good match for us both, because I’m waking her up and catching her on her upward curve, and she’s waking me up and catching me on my downward curve. I used to be a fucking sexual superstar; probably one of the top on the planet, honestly, in terms of number of hours of sex per day and extreme chi-kung kundalini energetic feeling and power. Now I’m less than 1/10th of what I used to be, but it’s still not bad, and a fair match for a girl on her way up, just starting. She’s doing great.

She has a pretty face, and that can be a bit intimidating, but she also is vulnerable and afraid, just like I am. And also fiery – hot fiery, passionate, humorous, penetrating eyes. I’ve seen her angry too. So she’s very attractive, but also vulnerable and attached, just like I am. I guess we might get married. At the least we are already a couple, and going more in that direction.

Looking at her pretty face and hot body reminded me of how many very beautiful girls I’ve dated over my life. M is a real hottie. I think N is too. I don’t even know the numbers, but there are well over 10 super stand out girls, out of about 80 that I’ve been involved with, and most of the rest I found quite attractive. And I still love some of the girls. All so different, beautiful in very different ways. Uniquely beautiful. The sex styles and connections unique to each. Our various ways we connect all unique. Some of whom I only had flings with, some who I bonded very deeply with.

She’s on the bed trying to get my attention now. I’m being called to do my manly duties.

Update: Stamina is definitely not a problem with this girl. Nor is the level of sexual intensity that she can rise to. This girl can take a LOT of voltage.

During one peak, as I was choking her, I said “say I love you!”
She answered with a stutter “I love..it.” Then 1/10th of a second later “I love, you” “I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!”

The electricity and joy that shot through me was too much, for me, at this point in our relationship. I could only handle maybe 10 seconds of it.

“This is a good time to stop”

What joyful nourishment. That woman is making a man out of me. Finally! I’m literally a new man now.

Hot girlfriend who loves me and is properly owned. Who I have powerful kundalini S&M loving bonding sex with, where we thrill and trill to new places each time, and become more bonded each time. Fuck ya. Every where I go I’m a new person – not a single guy, but a guy who has a (hot) woman making a man out of him.

I told her that now I have a reason to put more attention into getting healthy. She can handle everything I give. Strong woman. In fact, she keeps staring at me, so happy and loving, and teasing for more.

I plan to move her into a less expensive apartment, but in the mean time will move her in with me. Starting tomorrow.

We’ve both been carrying around with us a constant bitter sweet sorrow. I’m noticing that we both are becoming more at ease with shared pure joy.

.. Ok, and just now we shared tears of joy. She thanked God she met me, and with a huge smile, let out the water works. Lots of staring each other in the face, with big smiles. Makes me shy to be looked at like that, but damn.

This is day 4.

Ya, I probably am going to marry this one. I’m quite good at getting and seducing new girls. The long and routine history is of getting girls WAY out of my league. But I’m 52. I think the timing is right. She’s got what I’ve been looking for.

Which is a bit weird, when you consider that no long ago, after a ketamine trip seemed to show me the depth of my true being, I declared that I was not a family man, and could not marry, to my then mate.

I was totally honest then.

And I’m honest now.

I’m just a different person with the different girl. Which in it’s own way is a fucking horror show, because I really really loved and still do love V. Deeply. I’d keep them both as wives and give them both babies if I could.

But I can’t. So I’ll keep the one.

… I just told her that we will probably get married. She was surprised – “shocked”, she said, but agreed. Then asked if we’d have a baby. I said maybe.

This is the 2nd time this has happened to me in this phase of my life – falling for someone hot and quickly wanting to marry them and even talk of kids. Divine madness. Probably at some time later I’ll feel constrained and panicked again, I suppose. One day at a time then. If things don’t work out, then so be it. Fuck it. You only live once. These seem like the right waters to dive head first into.

Update Jan 26: Of course I’d wait a few years before marriage, if at all. Just found out that she has a history and family history of not doing well handling jealousy. And I know my history. So apparently I’m playing with fire with this one. I’m still way into her, but a betting man would bet on trouble down the line, as I don’t expect either of us to fundamentally change our natures.

I still think of V, but not on waking up.

The Kundalini sex is changing how I hold my body. It’s slowly coming back to me, fucking with a total lack of any urge to come, and instead just getting higher and higher. I love fucking this chick, and am turning on her sex drive enough to handle the frequency and duration, and to be able to quick start and use insertion as foreplay. Starting to be able to look her in they eyes during sex. She says that she would burst out laughing at the faces that I make, but can’t because she’s too high at the time, and besides her eyes are usually rolled up in her head, as are mine. Of course it’s always difficult to maintain eye contact when your eyes keep rolling up into the back of your head.

I’m of the opinion that it’s impossible for man or woman to have great sex without falling in love and bonding. That doesn’t equal monogamy, necessarily. But it usually does equal some very strong jealousies – uncontrollable emotions.

Which I routinely discount, in women. I have my agendas, and so ignore the incredible pain and inability to stop feeling what they feel, when jealous. I know what it’s like, I just don’t want to know it, or think about it, and so hand wave it away.

I fall in love on purpose, and get girls to fall in love on purpose, and then go right ahead, knowing full well the consequences, to make them insanely jealous.

And if I do that with this one, she has a good chance of being dangerous.

V too had a good chance of being dangerous; I kinda got out in the best possible way; her saying she was leaving because I would not have a baby. If it went down another way, she very well may have turned on me.

I have no urge for other girls right now (which is heartbreaking for N, who misses me and wants my time). I’m way infatuated with this one. I think she’s the most beautiful when her face is all flush and fuck-exhausted. Absolutely gorgeous. I’m less anxious that she’ll leave me and feel less urge to knock her up to lock her down, as she’s full blown in love now, and we are already hooked on each other, and coupled. It’s going to be a fuck fest for the foreseeable future, and I’m more than happy to give her my all; she captivates me. She also wakes up at night to fuck me, the little bitch. Third world problems.

She left at 10 am, after another round of sex, and will be out all day. I just woke up at 1 pm, and am horny, but can’t jerk off, as I’m back to the lifestyle mode of not coming, and recently my habits were to jerk off and come when too horny. I remember this lifestyle now, it’s all coming back. It wasn’t so long ago that M and I used to fuck at least 5 times a day. And then after that I had the 3 or 4 girls keeping me very busy. And of course all the years in the Phillipines, and Thailand, which I never talk about anymore – that was non-stop sexual arousal. And a girl I’ve never talked about on this blog – R – a girl I had for a few years starting at age 29 – we would also fuck as much as humanly possible – leaving only time to eat, sleep, and shit. Screaming at the top of my lungs kundalini sex with her, for years. Lots of public sex too.

I’m so very tired and sick all of the time now, because of my stomach, but the old ways are coming back, and even though I’m so tired, my body says that I need to fuck my lover now. I’m really into her; can’t get enough of her.

With M I never once had boring sex, and was always so in love with her, when fucking – year after year, 5 times a day, always great. If I was mining for gold in her pussy, I always found it, and never got tired of finding it.

So now this girl and I are finding our mutual addiction.

I wonder what the neighbors think of the sounds coming out of my apartment now? She sings pretty loud, and I’m starting to scream at the top of my lungs, into the pillow, more commonly instead of just in brief bursts.

They are used to some screaming. Girls are wired to want to make loud noises when they consider themselves to be fucked by the high level alpha monkey in the troup; “Listen to me! I’VE got HIM! I have high status, because I’ve got him and he’s mine!” So V wasn’t shy or quiet here, and neither now is J – but I think I’m starting to get louder, and there is more screaming in general. Ya, and J is getting noisier than I’ve had here.

.. N has been asking why I’ve been avoiding her, and I told her that I’ve been busy with a new girlfriend. She’s heartbroken, and doesn’t want to see my face now. I told her that I’m here for her in any way that she needs.

M viewed N as a home wrecker, and hates her with a fury. V also views N as the reason that we broke up, I’m sure. I can’t keep my hands off of N, even though very often we are so very incompatible. Great chemistry with her, and I love her body, and sometimes we still really love each other. Year after year. Even at the risk of losing other girls. Quite a mess sometimes. God what a body on N. I never get enough of it, ever. Never old. Hard to imagine not seeing her. We often still have very fresh romance. I’m really into her too – year after year. I like being bonded year after year, even as other loves come and go, and she has her flings and love affairs also. I like that stability. Chaotic stability.

I’m sure N feels the same way, and would see me again. An addiction like that to each other runs deep. I suggested that she get a new boyfriend as I’ll be pretty busy with my new girl. She knows how to have an open relationship, secretly.

Update Jan 28: Last night she tearfully sobbed and sobbed, during a very long extended sexual peak “I love you! Don’t ever leave me! I love you! Don’t ever leave me! I love you!” over and over and over for timeless many long minutes. It was literally the most beautiful event I’ve ever witnessed. Later I laughed and laughed wondering what the big family of neighbors were thinking; we can almost hear each other talk through the thin walls.

She could not get enough sex yesterday. I did my best to keep up, even taking an hour off for chi-kung to re-charge, and taking stints on the bottom, but eventually her outside pussy skin wore out, despite careful generous use of lube. I also laughed quite a bit about that – something similar to her kundalini is waking up, and the girl is now sexually supercharged.

I told her that she is a beautiful person. It’s not just her face, it’s her spirit. I really like her, and can do my best chi-kung and good piano improvising around her; we are great for each others spirit. I’m very happy. I told her “I’m happy with you”, and I have not said that since Kiki, and Kiki was the only other person in my life that I’ve ever said that to. Kiki used to tell me 20 times a day that she loved me, and I very often told her that I’m happy with her. It was the happiest year of my life, with her, before she died. I’m not happy alone, but I can be very happy with the right person, and such a connection has been very rare in my life, despite usually being in love, or at least lust. So we are both feeling lucky and grateful, and content. Happy to tears.

She remarked yesterday that she has more energy, and that her face looks more beautiful. It does. We’ve both been carrying a heavy load, and are replacing it with something we forgot was possible.

She’s really shining, and has that special rare look of a woman in love. I can’t think of anything more beautiful.

Sometimes a song related to loss will run through my head and remind me of the painful aching wound in my heart for the still fresh loss of V, and if in bed playing with J that will make my dick soft. Emotions can be symphonic fugues – it’s possible to feel love and loss at the same time. Bitter sweet.

N is feeling very heartbroken lately, because I’m serious with the new girl. We aren’t being sexual anymore. She was never able to stay faithful with me either, even during times when I didn’t have other girls, or were living together, and a few times abandoned me for others and would not see me, so I owe her no fidelity favors or even the honor of never leaving her if I get a new girl; which was often my rule in my non-monogamous life. I bear her no grudges or ill will for her sexual choices. She’s asked me to marry her countless times, and I know has born a torch for me through all our ups and downs. We were mostly good to each other, sexually. I wanted to always keep her in my life, sexually. But that could really fuck things up, and I’m not only tired of the drama and heartache all around, I want to maximize my chances with this girl.

I realize that keeping this girl for the long haul is a different task than falling in love and having our honeymoon phase. It’s a common thought that younger girls will cheat on their much older husbands. As long as I remain interested, I think that I’m up to the challenge. I like to be constantly challenged with constant seduction; long term seduction is something I’m good at and have put a lot of thought and effort into.

There has been a great deal of emotional wreckage surrounding my life. V once told me that girls spirits can ruined. One girl turned to prostitution after having a serious nervous breakdown when she finally realized that she wanted me to stop seeing my second girlfriend, who at the time was M. Another seems to have sworn off men entirely, after in our relationship I wouldn’t stop seeing other girls, and didn’t want her to keep the baby. Another woman left her husband for me, and wound up single. She was 41 years old to my 30. I had counseled her to stop fucking me or she would fall deeply and uncontrollably in mutual love, but she would not listen. M had years of torment about not keeping me faithful and not marrying her, and is still not married. I could go on. V is a strong woman who I have a great deal of respect for as a person. Her female agenda for strict monogamy is annoying, but also includes wisdom, and I think she can do well in her future. It took a lot of strength and courage to leave me, and she’s been working hard to put her life in good order. I really respect her, and like her, and always did.

So many broken hearts in my life. And mine has been broken so often. I keep telling myself that collateral damage is inevitable, and everybody – absolutely everybody who dates – causes and receives heartbreak. It’s built into the system, and we didn’t create the system.

But I’m looking forward to not being the “cause” of that in the immediate foreseeable future.

Update Jan 30:

My girlfriend (who in my head I call my wife) hosted a small party last night, and dragged me down to join the group her and three friends.  We shared some drinks and soon were laughing with near every sentence, and one guy kept saying that I was funny.  A bit difficult to do with the language barrier, but jokes can be kept simple, such as my girl saying “I’m need to go pee”, and I look at her tenderly and point to my mouth and say “pee in my mouth”.  Simple jokes, if delivered in quick succession, can have the group laughing and laughing.

I was impressed by how she handled herself being falling down drunk, and the quality of her friends.  She kept calling me her husband, which always makes my dick hard.  And the dick never lies.  She seems so very proud of me, and we are already so coupled, it’s quite touching, and you could see that her friends respected our mate choices.

Last night we were out grocery shopping, and after coming home I relayed to her my experience there.  I’d carefully examined the hottest girl I could find there, wondering what it was about her that made her seem so attractive to me.  “Ok, her ass in that skirt.  My girl has the same shape and size ass.  That’s cool.  Well, she’s a little too tall for my tastes, let’s see the face.  My girl has a cuter face.  I win the contest again!”  My girl really liked this story, even if checking out other girls made her a little squirmy.  I have a long habit of whenever I go out with a hot girlfriend to check around to see if she is the hottest in the restaurant, and if so declare to her loudly “I win the contest!”  Not she wins by being the hottest.  I win, by having the hottest girlfriend.

She was screeming at the top of her lungs during sex last night, in the same tonalities that I use when I’m feeling kundalini rise.  And she’s constantly sexually aroused now, wanting to fuck.  That means to me that her kundalini type energy has awoken.  When that happened to me as a young man I was horny all the time for decades.  It’s pretty difficult to keep up with her now, in fact I’ll admit it that it’s pretty well impossible.  Hard to get my work done too.  But fuck, I love hearing her scream.  Very romantic screaming too.  I need to record it, it’s something to be proud of.

Update February 14: She told me of a dream two nights ago, in which I was hugging her and she felt that she’d met her soul mate and was very happy.  Something like that.  I had one of those mixed up metaphorical dreams this morning.  She was in the dream, in a weird way – my computer bios was happy, and it was because of her.  The metaphor being that her effect was at a core and persistent level.

We fucked on a balcony a few nights ago.  We also sometimes joke about topics of jealousy.  Big contrast to V; V can be experimental in bed, but is too prudent to want to do public sex.  And topics of jealousy are no laughing matter to her.  Lots of belly laughs with this one.  We spend all of our time together, and very easily and happily.  It’s great.  I haven’t felt much urge to see other girls, but there are still options that have a long history of keeping me interested.  But I’m pretty happy with this girl; I suppose it should be interesting that people can get close very fast, but that’s common to a lot of peoples experience.

Today she called me her best friend.  That was touching.  We are really just very happy.  Really good fit.  I also of course like being adored, and she isn’t shy to gush and give puppy dog eyes and say “I love you” a lot.  Sometimes if a girl is just a bit uglier than I think I rate, that could actually bother me.  But this one is at a level of attratciveness I’m quite comfortable with.  I do want to own her, and love it that she loves me – makes it easier to actually be in love, which can kind of hurt.  Maybe it’s the terror part of being in love that can be physically painful, even when all is going well.  So the mutual being in love, with her giving all indications of at least matching my feelings, makes it less terrifying.

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