In answer to axiom verge: You are asking if I explain away doing selfish actions of breaking hearts with justifications, making the actions moral in my mind through justifications.

Yes, I do.

This subject is confusing. And very painful.

I feel really horrible for what happened with V. The woman loved me and did absolutely everything possible to be the best girlfriend for me, with the aim of being my wife and having a family with me.

I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to do it with her.

I want to know why.

So I try to examine my own motives, and ambitions, and desires, put them together with how I understand hers, and try to come up with a grand theory of mind that includes both of our strategies.

It quickly becomes obvious that we have competing strategies.

So I can’t just take sides, with hers. With the “feminine imperative”, or the female centric monogamous strategy. I have instincts and drives also that are just as foundational to my well being, even if they aren’t as culturally acceptable.

I know that I can’t sit at the round table of polite society, among other couples, as a guy with a woman in love with him who continues to seek out new girls. The playboys and playgirls can sit at that table. But I can’t, because I don’t fit into any of the accepted roles.

A guy is supposed to either settle down, or date around and never let anyone fall in love too much. My strategy is to fall in love, in parallel with more than one girl.

That doesn’t fit in, and I know it causes pain, and confusion.

I can’t justify it, but I can’t not justify it either – I mean – it is what it is – the cards that I’ve been dealt. I didn’t create the human condition. I didn’t create the fact that I can feel stifled and bored and trapped. I don’t have an off switch in my head for these instinctual hard wired evolved emotional urges to breed with the hottest women that I can attract.

These are VERY strong urges for me. My whole life, every fiber in my being, every act that I do in my life, is ALL geared towards mating with hot girls.

I’m evolved, born and bred, cultivated, in one and only one direction. So how can I stop being me?

Evolution is not about justification. It’s not about polite society.

I really wish that I was wired as a family man. Some guys are, and I truly believe that is another evolved hard wired instinctual personality type strategy.

Some guys are evolved to prefer monogomy, and this has been measured as low socio-sexual score in the psychological community. Others, like me, have an extremely high socio-sexual score, and enjoy, crave, and one might even say psychologically NEED sex with less long term commitment in our lives, with occasionally new partners.

It’s not an excuse, or justification. If we don’t follow our wiring, we can’t just suck it up. There are consequences. We become less able to be kind to our partners, act worse towards them, and things go downhill. So we try our best to work with what reality gave us. This real world, and our real urges and desires in it.

Here is a horrible, horrible example. One that’s happened to me more than once, but I’ll use this example specifically:

I once dated a 19 year old virgin. I found her face to be very attractive, and we quickly fell in love and she quickly gave me her virginity. We became bonded, and she was very much in love with me.

I was in Thailand at the time, and the culture there is much more promiscuous, and it was quite common for some guys and girls to have various forms of side lovers, one form of which is called “gik”, which means no strings attached lover. The gik is not expected to be faithful, and not expected to ask too many questions about your other lovers. Affairs also happen, which of course is more emotionally involved and complicated.

I mention the context because even though she was a virgin, she was not naive; she grew up in a millieu of some sexual refinement. You can’t be too naive in Thailand.

So while I was dating her, I had another main girlfriend, and was also actively dating and meeting new girls from time to time.

The nineteen year old, P19, loved me the most. My other girl S23, had other boyfriends and was a bit of a playgirl, but we had also formed some bonds, and had very frequent sex. S23 is the one who once looked up at me with pupply dog eyes and said “Dad, why I love you Dad? You no rich, you no handsome. Why I love you Dad?” It was a serious heartfelt question and she wanted a serious reply.

Here is the point of the story; at night I would often leave the side of P19, to go to the “internet cafe” and work, but instead of working go see S23. With P19 I could only have brief sex before I got tired or soft. With S23 I could go all night. And yet I loved P19 much more.

It was very confusing, and if you use morals to understand the world you’d go fucking crazy. There was nothing moral about it. It was biological. S23 was the hotter girl, and more my type. Smaller, for one thing. I like small girls.

Since then I’ve thought about that situation many times.

And I’m reminded of it with what happened with V.

V was more my type, physically, than P19, but a similar thing happened even when I first met her. At the same time I as I was initially dating V23, I had another lover, S17. S is extremely small. Imagine the smallest sexually mature girl you know, and that’s S. V would visit me, and have sex until I felt too tired for more. Then at midnight she’d have to go home, and S would come over, and we’d fuck all night. I NEVER got tired with S. I got tired with V after about an hour.

Same thing.

Eventually V and I grew into a stronger sexual chemistry. Which was a bit of new information to add; ok, so sexual chemistry can also grow.

But it was growing from a different base.

Most of the time that I dated V, I had other lovers, at least one. But eventually I gave them up, in order that she wouldn’t break up with me again, because I was very in love and attached to her, as my mate.

But I found it very difficult to do – too difficult.

And now my introspection can’t exactly tell me why.

Was it because fundamentally I need a plurality of girls?

Or was it because she wasn’t hot enough and my style enough to begin with?

That’s a horrible, horrible question to pose to oneself. So amoral! V and I loved each other dearly and were best friends, and had absolutely everything in place to be life long companions. Except that I really, really, REALLY wanted other lovers and not just her.

Morality has and had nothing to do with my desires; they were there regardless of what morality says should or should not happen.

Did V “deserve” a man who would not have these feelings? I don’t think deserve enters into it either. She fell for me, just as girls are famous for doing; falling in love with the bad boy who “cheats” instead of the good boy who never would. That’s so common it’s a trope.

But what if she were hotter?

Well, I’ve dated hotter girls, very hot girls, and lived with them.

Usually for the first year I’m mostly satisfied with monogamy, with little urge to look around. Not out of moral duty, but simply fascination with the one girl. She holds all my interest.

Now my situation is a bit different than my past. I’m quite old, and you could say almost aged out of the marketplace, for the hot girls I’m so used to dating. My options are dwindling fast. It’s VERY difficult for me to replace a hot girl with another hot girl now.

And I have a new hot girlfriend, who wants to live with me as my mate.

I don’t feel the need any more to date other girls, like I always did with V. That’s so horrible and painful to admit. I really really wish that were not true. It’s terrible that it’s true. V was everything a girl should be. How could I possibly want more?

But I do; I want a hot girl who is small. And my new girlfriend is that. Exactly my type. Great sexual chemistry. Fucking perfect fit. She’s way hotter than I “deserve” if one only considers bodies. I’m not that attractive, and I’m old, and she is noticeably well above average in attractiveness, and young.

I’m not likely to do better to pair bond with, without getting someone very mentally damaged or impaired.

And every year that goes by makes it less likely.

Opportunity affects desire. Before I was always able to make sexual opportunities, because I’m quite experienced and skilled in both seduction and keeping girls around.

But that can’t last forever, without major improvements in cosmetic surgery.

So I really hope that I can be closer to what most people consider moral. Not just because I’m tired of breaking hearts all the time. But because I want to be happy for myself.

I don’t sleep around because I feel it’s the moral and right thing to do. It’s a very deep hard wired compulsion – one that if you don’t have you’d never be able to empathize with. My entire being is driven to fuck hot girls. It’s not a side job.

So now I have a hot girl that I’m fucking. For now I’m going to do just that, and hope for the best.

Update: I’ve been updating the post related to meeting J, and getting over V, daily.

Here is an extract from today that is relevant to this post.

I realize that keeping this girl for the long haul is a different task than falling in love and having our honeymoon phase. It’s a common thought that younger girls will cheat on their much older husbands. As long as I remain interested, I think that I’m up to the challenge. I like to be constantly challenged with constant seduction; long term seduction is something I’m good at and have put a lot of thought and effort into.

There has been a great deal of emotional wreckage surrounding my life. V once told me that girls spirits can ruined. One girl turned to prostitution after having a serious nervous breakdown when she finally realized that she wanted me to stop seeing my second girlfriend, who at the time was M. Another seems to have sworn off men entirely, after in our relationship I wouldn’t stop seeing other girls, and didn’t want her to keep the baby. Another woman left her husband for me, and wound up single. She was 41 years old to my 30. I had counseled her to stop fucking me or she would fall deeply and uncontrollably in mutual love, but she would not listen. M had years of torment about not keeping me faithful and not marrying her, and is still not married. I could go on.

V is a strong woman who I have a great deal of respect for as a person. Her female agenda for strict monogamy is annoying, but also includes wisdom, and I think she can do well in her future. It took a lot of strength and courage to leave me, and she’s been working hard to put her life in good order. I really respect her, and like her, and always did.

So many broken hearts in my life. And mine has been broken so often. I keep telling myself that collateral damage is inevitable, and everybody – absolutely everybody who dates – causes and receives heartbreak. It’s built into the system, and we didn’t create the system.

But I’m looking forward to not being the “cause” of that in the immediate foreseeable future.