Diary update

Living with J25 is going well.  We laugh and joke around a lot, she’s getting sex addicted and coming more, we’re in mutual love and she tells me she loves me at least 20 times a day.  Maybe a hundred some days?

I think of V less, the more J25 comes, but when I do think of her it still aches.

It’s unusual in my life for a girl to stay broken up with me.  V was in love and very bonded, but made a decision it seems she will stick to.  That seems foreign and strange to me, but I can understand and respect it.  She’s got some new guy, for better or worse, and she has some strong ideas about relationship, and her future.

This blog is dangerous to my relationships.  Most girls find out about it eventually.  It likely contributed to losing V.

So it’s dangerous and tricky to talk about non-monogamy.

In a previous post I talked about settling down to be with just one girl instead of the usual habit of maintaining multiple long term relationships.  However in some dreams I still have fresh loving fun with a harem – often newly found.

So I’m wary of kissing and telling, for fear of destroying hearts and my life.  It’s a shame, as I do enjoy having an open diary on the internet.  Long time readers will be left in the dark as to the status of my social life, except for references to my new “Daughter” J25.

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Improv as the foundation of game

After you get very proficient with seduction and maintaining strong passionate long term bonds with women, it becomes increasingly difficult to explain what it is that you are doing.  More and more you are just being yourself.

More and more the mental maps that other people offer to describe ways to optimize dating strategies seem more and more incorrect.

When you get good with women, you are getting authentic with women.  And then only after the fact we offer our own personal interpretations of our real life reference experiences.  It’s not keyboard jockeying.  It’s not trading around secret rules.

Our job as guys with experience is to get other guys to develop their own reference experiences, authentically.

Without substituting maps for experience.

I listen to a lot of WTF Marc Maron interviews of comedians, and one way that comedians learn their craft – I suppose the foundational way – is through improv on the spot, and being thrown into situations in which they must perform.

Comedians say it takes about 10 years, on the stage, to learn the craft of being funny.

Now of course you can and should study other comedians. But you can’t copy any comedian – that would not work. That can’t and doesn’t work.

Each guy HAS to develop and find his own authentic style, through feedback. It can and does and should take a LONG time. If it doesn’t, then you are stuck in the process of learning – there is more and deeper to go.

One thing I think a lot of guys miss is that feedback can happen within LTRs and MLTRs – not just on the street, or during the initial seduction stage.

LTRs actually should always stretch a man’s ability to the limit – if not, he could either be dating a hotter girl, or more girls.

Theory helps, and I do my best to think about and theorize and create and read mental frameworks that can sort the raw data in ways that organize without conflicting or excluding data.

But improv is important not just because it teaches us the muscle memory, deeply, in our being.  It’s important because it IS a way of being.

I chose to learn the piano by pure improv, for two years.

It was purely a personal preference choice, and not one I would recommend to others.

I’m of the pure improv school, means that I realize that there are other schools.

I’ve also mentioned often that I do recognize that I’ve subconsciously incorporated skill-sets into my improv.

My flow moment, to me, is my primary motivation. I spent two years being a crappy piano player, because I prefer flow moments to being able to play the piano.

It’s personal. It’s what matters, to me.  I believe that improv can become a character trait, as well as a skill – a way to be more present and authentic in the now, as a leader.

***

Daysofgame.com said:

Deserve” is one of the most fucked up words in human psych. There is no such thing as “deserve.” Replace “deserve” with “desire” and you are closer to the truth in BlueVs statement.

That’s an interesting perspective, because in a way you are removing mental frameworks, and therefore being more present.

A great deal of Buddhism has that at the core. We must have philosophy, and mental maps, of course, yet a strange paradox is that the more refined maps look simpler and simpler – like edited prose.

I like how you side-stepped the entire argument. Whether we deserve to date women so much younger and more attractive than ourselves is the wrong question – not even worthy of giving a yes or no to.

Nothing to do with the now moment – if you can simplify enough.

Simplifying is actually hard, long work.

On the other hand, while deserve is the wrong question, the sexual marketplace is an exchange of value. Some girls might be “tricked” into thinking that a hollow shell of a man who is a good character actor narcissist is “worth” fucking, but girls don’t stick around with narcissists. That’s part of the very definition of being a narcissist, on the books; people don’t hang around, because people aren’t stupid, and they see through you, and see no there there.

I personally feel very deserving of true love, and very deserving of giving true love.  And have a very inflated idea of the level of beauty that I rate, if you would base my male value on looks alone.  But you could edit that and simplify it and say that I personally receive and give love, genuinely, and that hot young girls have been into me and still are.

The attitude of not deserving is a serious character flaw, and will certainly lead to problems with long term relationships, and most likely even to a sour grapes attitude that “I didn’t really want a long term relationship with that hottie anyway”.

So sometimes we need to reverse the curl of the paper, in order to get it flat. Go from the mental map of being undeserving, to being deserving, and then finally to simply going after what you want to the best of your ability – and stretching way past what others could conceive of as possible.

Guessing why girls so often fall in love fast

Daysofgame.com asked

do you have any notes about what you do to go from “physical stranger” to “spiritual sex?

I don’t do anything.

I’ve never done any state control, of any kind. It has never crossed my mind. All I did was fix my hair and makeup, and drive over. Not a single canned line. I’ve never in my life done any routine.

I’ve never paid any attention to anything about stages of seduction, when to spike attraction, when to give comfort, how to show value, how to give the illusion of scarcity etc. I’ve seen people talk about it, but it has never resonated with me. That all seems so video-gamey. A guy could easily get out of the moment, over-thinking things, trying too hard, I think. Then where is the connection? The whole reason you are there? Lost to agenda.

I wasn’t trying to accomplish or do anything, exactly. I don’t do A in order to get B result – not at all.

I’ve never intentionally made a girl fall in love with me. I’m simply very loving and loveable. Really – it’s true. I know a lot of guys can’t even visualize what that might be like, as cynicism runs so deep in our world. I truly love women – genuinely love them. And I truly am strongly capable of giving and receiving genuine love.

And of course part of being able to love is loving your own shadow side. I’m mostly an open book, and I mostly love myself, and I mostly am able to make friendly arrangements with even the dark ugly corners of the human condition. I don’t love ideals, and am not ideal – I try to make honest, real, close, loving relationships, based on reality.

Oh, and more than just being loving, I’m kinda funny, in a bitter-sweet dark chocolate kind of way. Very sexual humor. I never tell canned jokes, or deliberately try to be funny, but it’s just a habit to wring the most pleasure out of the absurdity of life, by pointing to it and laughing. I usually keep a straight face while being off-handedly witty, as if I did not just crack wise, and the humor flows seamlessly. My gf said that I have the ability to make people happy. She said that she instantly trusted me and knew that I was a good man, with a good heart.

I’d say that a major core of my seduction skill came from my father, who is a strongly monogamous family man. He’s a very loving man – the kind of guy who children instantly fall in love with and want to sit on his lap and play with him. He’s also a natural authority, and always instantly seen and respected as such. He’s never been embarrassed to be loving, and just considers it natural. My grandmother was perhaps the root of his personality core; I visited at age twelve and in two weeks absorbed her into my being. The most loving person I’ve ever met – you could go a whole lifetime without realizing it was possible for someone like her to exist. Other mentors must seep in. My best friend and mentor during my very formative years at the monastery and meditation centers, was always described by everyone as having a highly seductive personality. Very charming. And also a natural authority.

But I’m just guessing. Introspection is difficult and so is understanding what it is that works and why. I can do, but can I teach?

An example of my sense of humor would be when I was feeling vulnerable and roughly pushed her away from me, my hand shoving the center of her chest, and screamed “I don’t want to love you!”

You can see that I’ve internalized a few principles of game here, within the joke. Instead of being puppy eyed sappy and vulnerable, I turn it around and make fun of myself and use the situation as a push, and make a common – we are together in this deal because I’m recognizing how these things work, out loud , I’m sure you are feeling this too – joke out of it. I point at the absurdity of the situation, and that brings us together, and is a push pull all at once.

That was totally spur of the moment. I’ve been living with girls and dating girls for a long time, and have spent a lot of time reading and writing about it. So there is a lot of stuff that is internalized and incorporated on the spot without conscious thought or effort.

I haven’t really paid a lot of attention to it, but I think I make similar types of jokes all the time. A few girlfriends kept telling me that I was funny, and laughed a lot. If we both don’t speak the same language, I still manage to get laughs, using pantomine. Laughter was a big part of my sales technique for the many years that I was a travelling salesman.

I was talking with J yesterday about how we incorporate different accents and speech mannerisms from others. It’s unconscious, but I’m always incorporating mannerisms from my girlfriends. S16, who is now S19 shows up in my speech patterns a lot – she had some very fun little quirky speech patterns that add some extra joy to how to pronounce certain words or respond to certain situations. Very joyful and playful. It’s interesting, because on the whole her personality was rather crap – but at her best she was a joy, and some of her best is very noticeable in how I speak.

I think we are sponges, and what we sponge depends quite a bit on our attitude. I’ve sponged some core characteristics of being loving, and then worked extremely diligently to capitalize on them with Buddhist meditation practices to increase loving kindness, year after year. Little speech mannerisms here and there get soaked up. V was very kind and easy going and we had a great companionate relationship, and I learned a lot from her and sucked her up, these last three years.

Meditation and chi-kung teachers teach not only mindfullness techniques, but are great resources for vibe. You can suck up and internalize the vibes of your most respected mentors, and that makes you a more attractive person.

And most likely the strongest, number one reason that girls fall hard for me is the sex. Chi-kung sex is an absolute must, and everything that I am revolves around it.

Everything that I am revolves around it. Chi-kung sex can be a core of a being.

It’s about communion, power, expression, naked awareness. Love as spiritual awakening to the glory of inter-subjective wonder. Seeing god in the eyes of your lover, time stretching, seeming to share the same sensations as if unbounded by bodies, while discovering a fresh strong inhabiting of a body that seems to be energy that expands out well past the skin, into her, into the air, all with so much control and finesse – making operas and symphonies and beats out of sexual energy in various places of my and her body.

Sex is a lot about vibe. Our intonations in the voice carry quite a lot of the emotional transfer – at least as much – more even – than how we move our bodies. You have to feel a lot in order to make a woman feel a lot.

Oh, I guess that’s hitting the nail on the head.

You have to feel a lot in order to make a woman feel a lot.

Firstly being a safe space where emotions can happen (love) secondly being able to arouse and feel and share strong emotions (chi-kung sex, or simply looking in her eyes).

Both of those are not techniques that you can learn, in the same way you can memorize a script, or learn stages of seduction. Those are not things to do, those are things to be. That’s about developing your self, year after year, to be able to open to your own emotions, and love yourself, and share all that you are with others, while taking delight in what they share, and making workable deals with all the shit that comes from inside and outside.

Which is why sometimes I talk about grief, and not trying too hard to avoid it entirely. Why I make fun of people who warn against “catching feelings” or use the term “one-itis”, as if they are on the inside track to true wisdom by becoming anhedonic drones.

Catching feelings is the whole fucking point of being with a woman! That’s why you showed up for the date in the first place!

Update: Another example of the little twists that I keep injecting into most every turn of the conversation, to make them more playful and fun:

She looks up at me, ready to go out, and in an insecure tone of voice and face asks:

“Don’t I look beautiful?”

I examine her face inquisitively, not letting any final judgment show up on my face yet, then pinch both of her cheeks at once firmly, and declare with a look of satisfaction:

“There! Now you are beautiful!”

A careful reader will notice the heavy use of hypnosis and NLP. Or perhaps they will read it from the viewpoint of owning the frame, or dominance. Lots of game aspects you could interpret into that little joke.

Can’t you just imagine doing that to your middle aged female child, and then the youngest would come running up shouting “Daddy, make me beautiful too!”

Then she says that even though she’ll be out, she’s installed CCTV cams everywhere, even in my body. “Hey! I never agreed to that! Did you install a CCTV cam in my body while I was sleeping?” “Yes, in your dick”. “Oh, and you have it hooked up to an app on your phone, and can see it anytime!” I then do a routine describing a day in the life of the dick cam, and close out the joke with looking at her askance and with exaggerated scepticism, shaking my index finger back and forth between pointing at her eyes and mine and I accuse, “Are you trying to fool me? I don’t think that you did really put a camera in my dick, did you!” That closes out the joke and we both break out laughing.

I paid attention today and I’m constantly making these little fun twists in the conversation, injecting a lively spirit. And it’s heavily laden with game theory, if you later examine it. But it all comes out on the spot, improvised in a flash.

Update: I like to go on youtube binges soaking up everything I can about and from people I admire.  The last was David Spade.  He is very off the cuff witty in interviews, and can when he wants be very humble and charming.  At other times he can be impatient and not suffer fools gladly.  But always extremely fast and sharp.  The Marc Maron WTF podcasts are a good resource to discover new people to investigate.

It’s easy to notice that some ugly comedians have a history of doing very well with women.  I’m sure the fame can play a big role, but it’s more than that.  I’ve always found as a salesman that once I made someone laugh they were mine; they were sold on me and almost wanted to buy something from me just in appreciation of making them laugh.  To celebrate and cement the camaraderie.

Don Knots was considered to be a charming ladies man, and did well with women and had beautiful wives.

My girlfriend (who in my head I call my wife) hosted a small party last night, and dragged me down to join the group her and three friends.  We shared some drinks and soon were laughing with near every sentence, and one guy kept saying that I was funny.  A bit difficult to do with the language barrier, but jokes can be kept simple, such as my girl saying “I’m need to go pee”, and I look at her tenderly and point to my mouth and say “pee in my mouth”.  Simple jokes, if delivered in succession, can have the group laughing and laughing.  Groups can get into a state where there are ripe to laugh.

I was impressed by how she handled herself being falling down drunk, and the quality of her friends.  She kept calling me her husband, which always makes my dick hard.  And the dick never lies.  She seems so very proud of me, and we are already so coupled, it’s quite touching, and you could see that her friends respected our mate choices.

It’s interesting that I’ve never written about the role of humor in seduction or maintaining a relationship before.  I’ve never even noticed that I’m constantly making little jokes.  Points to the benefit of blogging and talking to others, I guess.  I can’t believe that I missed something so important.  Explaining what we do really is quite different than doing what we do.

What xplat looks like, and how his game is fundamentally different than what red pill and pua says is possible

K said:

Roughly how old are you? 50’s? 60’s?
And would you be able to provide a photo of someone who looks similar to you? Like a celebrity that people have said they remind you of or something?
I’d be very interested to get a sense of exactly what you mean when you say you’re old and ugly, and very interested to get a sense of how long it would take before I too might be aged out of the sexual marketplace

Early fifties.

Colin Mochrie, from Whose Line is it Anyway

Brian Johnson from AC/DC

Steve Buscemi

I’ve already had a face-lift and surgery to remove bags under my eyes. I plan to do fat transfer from my belly to my face. I use make-up and a wig. On good days the wig looks real. I workout and am wiry strong, but never get big. I’m short at about 5’7″

I could always get new girlfriends, but the question is hot and young girlfriends. The cultural landscape has been changing in SEA, and girls are less and less interested in older men – at least the hottest girls with the most options are.

If you look at these photos, and then read how my most recent date, as usual, turned into an instant full blown love affair from day one
https://xsplat.wordpress.com/2018/01/22/forced-against-my-will-to-replace-my-primary-and-the-usual-fast-bonding/
you’ll get some glimpse into how MOST of red pill knowledge is cartoonishly over simplified and more accurately called wrong than right.

This latest turn of events is so common for me, that I’ve been repeating how it happens over and over, throughout the years, and then it just keeps happening and happening. In fact just a few days before meeting this girl I described how dates usually turn into love at first sight dates. I have some posts about love at first site game, and how to do it.

I’m the ONLY person who writes about this, and apparently even the only one who knows that it’s possible.

Look at my pics again, read my post, and re-evaluate what is the real dating market and how it really works, and what “game” really can be.

Most people have absolutely no clue and are no where even in the right ball park of a clue.

I also have posted pics of some of my girlfriends on my blog, and visitors who have come out and met some of them have described them as from very attractive to fucking hot. My newest girlfriend is a slim yet curvy, just turned 25, 7 point something on the attractiveness scale* , who has a rare inner beauty that moves her out of the pretty category and into the beautiful category. Every part of her, individually, is beautiful, even her little shapely feet. It’s day 7, and she can’t stop saying I love you or asking to fuck again.

* – No one would call her a six. Maybe a few men might say 8. When she’s smiling she can be an 8. I don’t give 8s out easily – a crowded beach might have one on it within strolling distance, and often doesn’t. Eights get love at first sight reactions from men, and there is extremely strong competition for them, from the rare men who even dare to consider an 8 as possibly within his league.

Why even the best pump and dump artist is considered relatively low sexual market value

My comments over at Rivsdiary, where Riv questions why Krauserpua didn’t correct the interviewer for saying that women who hold out for sex sometimes do it because they view the man as being of higher value – Riv posits this is wrong, and that the holding out is only for “providers” who all by definition are of lower value.

…

Riv, are you operating under the mental map that alpha strategy and provider strategy are distinct? Always Either/Or? Never AND?

There has never been, nor could there ever be, an alpha provider who pair bonds? And there has never been and could never be a woman who seeks out such a man, and makes him wait as her strategy?

…

Daysofgame said:

We should escalate… we should lead… we should be a sexual threat… but I think for “most sex,” we’ll fuck more if we go 2+ dates… and then sex… and then drop her into rotation.

I’m not sure that there is any rule of thumb about number of dates and the likelyhood of a girl sticking around.

I think it has more to do with vibe, and sexual connection. The type of vibe and sexual connection – does it include love and comfort – no matter how rough or S and M style it is.

It’s hard to really know what it is that works when things work, but I think girls can bond fast – on the first date, and during first date sex. And of course more sex gets better each time, and more bonding.

But the idea of alpha non-bonding R selected sex – even having that mental map at all in your head, could likely be sending a vibe that could scare girls away.

Vibe over technique.

…

I’m going to assume Riv that you viewed my question as rhetorical, but it still would be useful to clarify to get a reply.

I asked Rollo this years ago, and he replied that it was only possible in theory, but pretty well never in practice.

I consider it psychologically impossibility for the long married Rollo to both consider being an Alpha Provider an impossibility, and to consider himself to be one.  In other words, he doesn’t consider himself alpha in his relationship, and blames it on his provider status, and proclaims that therefore no other provider could be alpha either.

I talk from first hand experience a lot, and that doesn’t always go over very well, so I’m not really sure whose reference experiences I’m supposed to use in that case.

But from my experience, I can be a really lousy lover sometimes who hardly gets into sex, and can’t provoke much feeling out of my lover, and then on a different day or later the same day, after some chi-kung, or maybe smoking a little pot, or simply paying more attention, I can feel a great deal more energy and emotion and power in my own body, and arouse a hell of a lot more out of my lover.

So I know from my own body that there are gigantic differences in what sex can feel like. And what sex can be aroused out of me by sympatico lovers, and what my part in that dance is.

I honestly think that you have it completely reversed as to who the high level men are.

Your version of Alpha bad boy is the low level man; the man who can’t arouse the full sexual potential, and therefore fully love-enslave and get the full Alpha treatment out of a woman.

It’s only the romantic bad boy, the romantic libertine, who can get the best out of a woman.

The pure love em and leave em bad boy won’t be able to even begin to get the beginnings of half way decent sex out of MOST girls, who actually need to be at least somewhat in love first, before fully opening up their best sex.

…

Or look at it another way. The women who can’t pair bond, do you view them as superior, because they are so hot that they simply don’t have to?

No, you view them as fundamentally broken.

Dark triad traits are traits of people who are fucked up. Not normal. Broken people.

Those are not the highest level men, by any stretch.

People who can’t pair bond are fucked up and broken – not the highest level, and they won’t ever get 1/1000th of the treatment that a woman will give to a man who has ALL of the attractive traits going on, which absolutely include love and pair bonding.

It’s such incredible bullshit to keep repeating over and over and over that women give up their assholes for the R selected pump and dump thug, but only give tepid sex to boyfriends.

So so so incredibly WRONG.

When are people going to learn?!!

How many more years will it take?

…

In other words, much of the theory that is red pill was created by men who started out as sexual underdogs, and then took a video-game approach to getting sex – which will NEVER arouse the best sex out a woman.

Sex isn’t about technique.

It’s all vibe. And personal power – or mojo – or chi-kung.

The idea that “provider-betas” get shitty sex was created by betas that get shitty sex.

It wasn’t created by men who have their shit together and have extra-ordinarily devoted love slaves who they in turn love and care for. The guys in great relationships never bothered to get into the conversation.

Or when they did, they were shouted down by the know-it-all know nothings, who wave in their fists at blasphemers their copy of the Rollo certified sexual marketplace map, and have spent years debating the finer points of the map, and know all the rules of it, inside and out. And who have never had a good relationship, and so blame it on women for viewing providers as betas.

The map, the diorama, is more wrong than right, and so I think it is much better to simply flat out call it

WRRROOOONNNNGGGG

…

Regarding always using the strategy of opening with the bad boy and letting her tame you, again, I don’t think we find any one size fits all answers.

Sometimes the girl will quickly be very, very, very into the guy, and the sex can quickly become the best of her life, by orders of magnitude.

That makes her feel incredibly vulnerable – panicky even. It can really throw her off balance – she’ll not only obsess over the guy, but will get paranoid thoughts about if he’ll leave her, and for girls that means jealous fits.

So the rule of thumb to not appear clingy and supplicating is correct, but at a kindergarden level, the same way 2 plus 2 will always be 4, even in high school.

It’s very simple, but there is much more to math then that.

A better rule of thumb is “say I love you about 1/3 as much as she does”, and then take that attitude and stretch it out.

But she will need reassurances, the more she’s into you. And if the seduction is going well, that could be very quickly.

So again, taking the idea of that bad boys are the higher value guys to emulate is completely ass backwards.

Girls will literally go to jail for their men. Sacrifice everything. You can own a woman’s heart, mind, body, and soul.

But what will a pump and dump guy own?

Actions speak louder than red pill memes. The actions of girls to betas who have no skill in bed or in life or in domination are nothing to base a philosophy of love on.

…

Provider =/ Beta.
Alpha =/ pump and dump expert

So, when are we going to stop saying and thinking provider-beta?
When are we going to stop saying and thinking that the one night stands go to the high value men?

I had a model handsome intern out here, who was a dating coach, and considered himself very well versed and practiced in game.

Girls would approach HIM at the bar.

But he couldn’t get a girlfriend if he wanted one. He was always singing the refrain “these ho’s ain’t loyal”. Because no matter his game and looks, he could never inspire loyalty out of a girl.

And I never saw him with a single girl who was as attractive as he was.

What about shooting way out of your league and getting fidelity and devotion in all actions, and 100 times better sex? Would not the man who did that be, by the woman’s own actions, MUCH higher value?

Bad boy R selected game is pretty well a waste of time, when compared to getting the most out of women. It’s fast food – a few times a month. Instead of top level feasts 5 times a day. Guys who rely on pump and dump for sex barely get laid at all, and they have shitty sex, relative to chi-kung sex with a woman in devoted full blown love.

Forced, against my will, to replace my primary, and the usual fast bonding.

Wow, the sleeping dragon awakes! That was fast, and didn’t take much.

“Wow, you fuck me so good. I’ve never felt like that before.”, she said, touching her hand to her lower belly, with a slightly puzzled and inquisitive look, mixed with delight, wonder, and appreciation on her face.

I know, I know, maybe she says that to all the guys, right? Well, in our first session she was surprised that I was not “finishing”, and kinda wanted me to hurry up. Her last boyfriend would just pump away for 10 minutes and done.

I didn’t know her yet, and so the first time we met yesterday fucked her like a more experienced girl who was used to G-spot sex. My error.

The next day I gave her more attentive treatment, with a modest amount of foreplay, and clit and nipple attention throughout most of the fucking. And a few hours of listening to her and stroking and bonding with her before hand. That was all it took to light some fire. Then in the middle of the night she initiated the second round, being a squirmy wormy, grinding on me. Based on previous performances I mis-judged her stamina, and came before she was ready – a gigantic Daddy Loves You explosion that took every last drop of moisture out of my mojo, and she still kept grinding and grinding greedily on my still hard and rammed as deep as possible but unmoving dick.

She nearly begged for more, but I was fucking spent.

It seems that if there is going to be a stamina problem in this relationship, it might more likely be on my end rather than hers. We’ll see. I always enjoy a good sexual contest.

And I’m quickly falling in love with her, and her me. That was mate-bonding love sex. The kind where the girl starts to cry a bit – you know, that bitter sweet intense pleasure that is so soulful that it makes you cry. Slightly similar to crying during touching parts within a movie. Too bad we don’t have more refined words for the different types of crying.

Oh, and my kundalini seems to be waking up. It’s been years since that was on fire. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Maybe it’s just a one night thing. Or maybe my body is really, really into this girl.

Which for the first time ever makes me feel like it’s sex that would be detrimental to the bonds with V. Of course it’s a silly obsession to still think of her – she broke up with me and blocked contact. But V was hugely in love with me, and it still feels terrible to replace that pair bond. It was never my intention to have sex with others replace our primary bond. A nuance that she is not capable of understanding or caring about. But one that is kind of a big deal to me.

Which again reminds me of a way V is incompatible – her stubborn BPD insistance that in matters of her jealousy feelings, my feelings and intentions don’t exist or count; “I could not possibly really love her, if I also get close to other girls” is her exact stated thought. It’s still quite sad to me, and I still see her face sharply in my mind, very often.

Anyway, looks like this new girl and me will pair bond.  That thought includes sadness of moving on from the last pair bond.

Update:  Attentive long time readers may notice the hidden theme of this post.  The Easter Egg.

It is BECAUSE I’m the kind of guy who does grieve so long and hard for V that this new girl fucked me on the first date, wanted to move in on the first date, and had pair bonding tearful best in her life sex on her second date.

Well, that and that I’m quite experienced.

Once again, Alpha Fucks and Beta Bucks is so cartoonishly simplistic as to be more wrong than right.

Update: She outlasted me again this morning.  Later we snuggled in my recliner just hanging, and she recounted how useless her sexual past was.  I’ve heard this story so many times.  There are girls out there who’ve had plenty of sex who are still basically virgins.  She had been confused why all her friends said that sex was so great, when for her it was nothing.  Finally she meets a guy who knows how to fuck, and it’s a totally new dimension of reality opens up for her.  It’s not so much that I’m so great in bed, technically lately I can be rather lazy, but that most guys (and girls, frankly) can’t fuck.  It’s really a tragedy.  Can’t we teach sex ed properly in high school?

I also think that sex is quite a lot to do with very subtle emotional feedback.  We can tell when our lover gets aroused, and when we play that arousal in simpatico, and sustain it, you can create sexual music – each time different.

I have a VERY hard time getting dates.  Pretty well my whole life it’s been like this.  Almost impossible even just to get one date, with a girl I believe is a match that I deserve.  Two months of online dating just to finally get one date, even though I was willing to fly anywhere in the whole country. But once I’m alone in a room with someone, the date usually goes very well.  And after that we bond.  Girls quickly feel as if they’ve met their soul mate, or as if we’ve known each other for a long time, and been together as lovers already for a long time.  That’s just routine for me; first date, have better sex than she’s used to, bond, then I own her, and we take care of each other and become entwined in each others lives.

You can’t really capture character in a photo, and character can make beautiful faces ugly, and ugly faces beautiful. In person an unphotegenic man, or even woman, can be much more appealing. Or less.

So a lot about attraction is emotional.  Emotional openness.  Energetic fluency.  Emotional fluency.  I have a strong congruence of character of being loving and able to receive love.  It’s not a game or a magic seduction trick, it really is “just be yourself” game, only the self that I have been very careful to cultivate is a musical instrument that I know how to play.

Chi-kung, meditation, long history of many loving deep long term relationships.  My history is an open book in my character, and I’ve been as careful as I can be to keep that character positive, open, loving, sensual, and fun.  And who wouldn’t want that?  So first dates usually go quite well.

Update: Holy shit.  That was amazing.  No wonder my kundalini turned itself on, in anticipation of this chick.  On day three we had near kundalini level sex!  Holy fuck.  And I pressed and I believe her confirmation, this is all totally new to her.  Incredible how much was just lurking below the surface.

My experience is that MOST girls need to be at least a bit in love before they can open and start to give their best sex.  So for me, fast seduction and fast love go hand in hand, and I have absolutely zero interest in one night stands or prostitutes.  Good sex is simply completely different than mutual masturbation – an entirely different category – you can’t even call both things sex.

Update Jan 25: Wow. This is going better than I had even hoped. I had forgotten what it was even like to have kundalini sex, and that used to be my life, for decades. Unfortunately, I’m falling in love. I hate that! And I told her that I hate it. I told her to fall in love first, and that I’d just wait, and lover her only a little bit, until she’s crazy in love. Because I hate being in love! It’s fucking scary. I told her to hurry up and get pregnant so that she won’t run away. I told her that I don’t want her to know that I’m falling in love, because it’s a secret. I pushed her away physically and screamed “I don’t want to love you!” God damn it. It’s too vulnerable.

But I think she’s fucking georgous. From so many views. God, from behind, her vagina is like an extra add on thing – not just a space between her legs. A mound. Fucking georgeous pussy. And the waist to hip is out of this world, which is amazing because she has very small hips. So super slim waist.

I could go on and on.

And as often has been the case, it’s a shocking contrast in the mirror when we are side by side. She’s way the fuck out of my league. But also, she’s a definite type, that not all guys would be into. Skinny small. I’m thankful not all guys would see her the way I do. I think she’s fucking hot and amazing and gorgeous. I like just staring at her face. Or her lips. Or pretty well any part of her.

And we often make each other break out in belly laughs. I’ll laugh to tears with her, which is rare for me.

It’s kind of an amazing connection, pretty fast. Especially sexually; I told her that sexually it’s a good match for us both, because I’m waking her up and catching her on her upward curve, and she’s waking me up and catching me on my downward curve. I used to be a fucking sexual superstar; probably one of the top on the planet, honestly, in terms of number of hours of sex per day and extreme chi-kung kundalini energetic feeling and power. Now I’m less than 1/10th of what I used to be, but it’s still not bad, and a fair match for a girl on her way up, just starting. She’s doing great.

She has a pretty face, and that can be a bit intimidating, but she also is vulnerable and afraid, just like I am. And also fiery – hot fiery, passionate, humorous, penetrating eyes. I’ve seen her angry too. So she’s very attractive, but also vulnerable and attached, just like I am. I guess we might get married. At the least we are already a couple, and going more in that direction.

Looking at her pretty face and hot body reminded me of how many very beautiful girls I’ve dated over my life. M is a real hottie. I think N is too. I don’t even know the numbers, but there are well over 10 super stand out girls, out of about 80 that I’ve been involved with, and most of the rest I found quite attractive. And I still love some of the girls. All so different, beautiful in very different ways. Uniquely beautiful. The sex styles and connections unique to each. Our various ways we connect all unique. Some of whom I only had flings with, some who I bonded very deeply with.

She’s on the bed trying to get my attention now. I’m being called to do my manly duties.

Update: Stamina is definitely not a problem with this girl. Nor is the level of sexual intensity that she can rise to. This girl can take a LOT of voltage.

During one peak, as I was choking her, I said “say I love you!”
She answered with a stutter “I love..it.” Then 1/10th of a second later “I love, you” “I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!”

The electricity and joy that shot through me was too much, for me, at this point in our relationship. I could only handle maybe 10 seconds of it.

“This is a good time to stop”

What joyful nourishment. That woman is making a man out of me. Finally! I’m literally a new man now.

Hot girlfriend who loves me and is properly owned. Who I have powerful kundalini S&M loving bonding sex with, where we thrill and trill to new places each time, and become more bonded each time. Fuck ya. Every where I go I’m a new person – not a single guy, but a guy who has a (hot) woman making a man out of him.

I told her that now I have a reason to put more attention into getting healthy. She can handle everything I give. Strong woman. In fact, she keeps staring at me, so happy and loving, and teasing for more.

I plan to move her into a less expensive apartment, but in the mean time will move her in with me. Starting tomorrow.

We’ve both been carrying around with us a constant bitter sweet sorrow. I’m noticing that we both are becoming more at ease with shared pure joy.

.. Ok, and just now we shared tears of joy. She thanked God she met me, and with a huge smile, let out the water works. Lots of staring each other in the face, with big smiles. Makes me shy to be looked at like that, but damn.

This is day 4.

Ya, I probably am going to marry this one. I’m quite good at getting and seducing new girls. The long and routine history is of getting girls WAY out of my league. But I’m 52. I think the timing is right. She’s got what I’ve been looking for.

Which is a bit weird, when you consider that no long ago, after a ketamine trip seemed to show me the depth of my true being, I declared that I was not a family man, and could not marry, to my then mate.

I was totally honest then.

And I’m honest now.

I’m just a different person with the different girl. Which in it’s own way is a fucking horror show, because I really really loved and still do love V. Deeply. I’d keep them both as wives and give them both babies if I could.

But I can’t. So I’ll keep the one.

… I just told her that we will probably get married. She was surprised – “shocked”, she said, but agreed. Then asked if we’d have a baby. I said maybe.

This is the 2nd time this has happened to me in this phase of my life – falling for someone hot and quickly wanting to marry them and even talk of kids. Divine madness. Probably at some time later I’ll feel constrained and panicked again, I suppose. One day at a time then. If things don’t work out, then so be it. Fuck it. You only live once. These seem like the right waters to dive head first into.

Update Jan 26: Of course I’d wait a few years before marriage, if at all. Just found out that she has a history and family history of not doing well handling jealousy. And I know my history. So apparently I’m playing with fire with this one. I’m still way into her, but a betting man would bet on trouble down the line, as I don’t expect either of us to fundamentally change our natures.

I still think of V, but not on waking up.

The Kundalini sex is changing how I hold my body. It’s slowly coming back to me, fucking with a total lack of any urge to come, and instead just getting higher and higher. I love fucking this chick, and am turning on her sex drive enough to handle the frequency and duration, and to be able to quick start and use insertion as foreplay. Starting to be able to look her in they eyes during sex. She says that she would burst out laughing at the faces that I make, but can’t because she’s too high at the time, and besides her eyes are usually rolled up in her head, as are mine. Of course it’s always difficult to maintain eye contact when your eyes keep rolling up into the back of your head.

I’m of the opinion that it’s impossible for man or woman to have great sex without falling in love and bonding. That doesn’t equal monogamy, necessarily. But it usually does equal some very strong jealousies – uncontrollable emotions.

Which I routinely discount, in women. I have my agendas, and so ignore the incredible pain and inability to stop feeling what they feel, when jealous. I know what it’s like, I just don’t want to know it, or think about it, and so hand wave it away.

I fall in love on purpose, and get girls to fall in love on purpose, and then go right ahead, knowing full well the consequences, to make them insanely jealous.

And if I do that with this one, she has a good chance of being dangerous.

V too had a good chance of being dangerous; I kinda got out in the best possible way; her saying she was leaving because I would not have a baby. If it went down another way, she very well may have turned on me.

I have no urge for other girls right now (which is heartbreaking for N, who misses me and wants my time). I’m way infatuated with this one. I think she’s the most beautiful when her face is all flush and fuck-exhausted. Absolutely gorgeous. I’m less anxious that she’ll leave me and feel less urge to knock her up to lock her down, as she’s full blown in love now, and we are already hooked on each other, and coupled. It’s going to be a fuck fest for the foreseeable future, and I’m more than happy to give her my all; she captivates me. She also wakes up at night to fuck me, the little bitch. Third world problems.

She left at 10 am, after another round of sex, and will be out all day. I just woke up at 1 pm, and am horny, but can’t jerk off, as I’m back to the lifestyle mode of not coming, and recently my habits were to jerk off and come when too horny. I remember this lifestyle now, it’s all coming back. It wasn’t so long ago that M and I used to fuck at least 5 times a day. And then after that I had the 3 or 4 girls keeping me very busy. And of course all the years in the Phillipines, and Thailand, which I never talk about anymore – that was non-stop sexual arousal. And a girl I’ve never talked about on this blog – R – a girl I had for a few years starting at age 29 – we would also fuck as much as humanly possible – leaving only time to eat, sleep, and shit. Screaming at the top of my lungs kundalini sex with her, for years. Lots of public sex too.

I’m so very tired and sick all of the time now, because of my stomach, but the old ways are coming back, and even though I’m so tired, my body says that I need to fuck my lover now. I’m really into her; can’t get enough of her.

With M I never once had boring sex, and was always so in love with her, when fucking – year after year, 5 times a day, always great. If I was mining for gold in her pussy, I always found it, and never got tired of finding it.

So now this girl and I are finding our mutual addiction.

I wonder what the neighbors think of the sounds coming out of my apartment now? She sings pretty loud, and I’m starting to scream at the top of my lungs, into the pillow, more commonly instead of just in brief bursts.

They are used to some screaming. Girls are wired to want to make loud noises when they consider themselves to be fucked by the high level alpha monkey in the troup; “Listen to me! I’VE got HIM! I have high status, because I’ve got him and he’s mine!” So V wasn’t shy or quiet here, and neither now is J – but I think I’m starting to get louder, and there is more screaming in general. Ya, and J is getting noisier than I’ve had here.

.. N has been asking why I’ve been avoiding her, and I told her that I’ve been busy with a new girlfriend. She’s heartbroken, and doesn’t want to see my face now. I told her that I’m here for her in any way that she needs.

M viewed N as a home wrecker, and hates her with a fury. V also views N as the reason that we broke up, I’m sure. I can’t keep my hands off of N, even though very often we are so very incompatible. Great chemistry with her, and I love her body, and sometimes we still really love each other. Year after year. Even at the risk of losing other girls. Quite a mess sometimes. God what a body on N. I never get enough of it, ever. Never old. Hard to imagine not seeing her. We often still have very fresh romance. I’m really into her too – year after year. I like being bonded year after year, even as other loves come and go, and she has her flings and love affairs also. I like that stability. Chaotic stability.

I’m sure N feels the same way, and would see me again. An addiction like that to each other runs deep. I suggested that she get a new boyfriend as I’ll be pretty busy with my new girl. She knows how to have an open relationship, secretly.

Update Jan 28: Last night she tearfully sobbed and sobbed, during a very long extended sexual peak “I love you! Don’t ever leave me! I love you! Don’t ever leave me! I love you!” over and over and over for timeless many long minutes. It was literally the most beautiful event I’ve ever witnessed. Later I laughed and laughed wondering what the big family of neighbors were thinking; we can almost hear each other talk through the thin walls.

She could not get enough sex yesterday. I did my best to keep up, even taking an hour off for chi-kung to re-charge, and taking stints on the bottom, but eventually her outside pussy skin wore out, despite careful generous use of lube. I also laughed quite a bit about that – something similar to her kundalini is waking up, and the girl is now sexually supercharged.

I told her that she is a beautiful person. It’s not just her face, it’s her spirit. I really like her, and can do my best chi-kung and good piano improvising around her; we are great for each others spirit. I’m very happy. I told her “I’m happy with you”, and I have not said that since Kiki, and Kiki was the only other person in my life that I’ve ever said that to. Kiki used to tell me 20 times a day that she loved me, and I very often told her that I’m happy with her. It was the happiest year of my life, with her, before she died. I’m not happy alone, but I can be very happy with the right person, and such a connection has been very rare in my life, despite usually being in love, or at least lust. So we are both feeling lucky and grateful, and content. Happy to tears.

She remarked yesterday that she has more energy, and that her face looks more beautiful. It does. We’ve both been carrying a heavy load, and are replacing it with something we forgot was possible.

She’s really shining, and has that special rare look of a woman in love. I can’t think of anything more beautiful.

Sometimes a song related to loss will run through my head and remind me of the painful aching wound in my heart for the still fresh loss of V, and if in bed playing with J that will make my dick soft. Emotions can be symphonic fugues – it’s possible to feel love and loss at the same time. Bitter sweet.

N is feeling very heartbroken lately, because I’m serious with the new girl. We aren’t being sexual anymore. She was never able to stay faithful with me either, even during times when I didn’t have other girls, or were living together, and a few times abandoned me for others and would not see me, so I owe her no fidelity favors or even the honor of never leaving her if I get a new girl; which was often my rule in my non-monogamous life. I bear her no grudges or ill will for her sexual choices. She’s asked me to marry her countless times, and I know has born a torch for me through all our ups and downs. We were mostly good to each other, sexually. I wanted to always keep her in my life, sexually. But that could really fuck things up, and I’m not only tired of the drama and heartache all around, I want to maximize my chances with this girl.

I realize that keeping this girl for the long haul is a different task than falling in love and having our honeymoon phase. It’s a common thought that younger girls will cheat on their much older husbands. As long as I remain interested, I think that I’m up to the challenge. I like to be constantly challenged with constant seduction; long term seduction is something I’m good at and have put a lot of thought and effort into.

There has been a great deal of emotional wreckage surrounding my life. V once told me that girls spirits can ruined. One girl turned to prostitution after having a serious nervous breakdown when she finally realized that she wanted me to stop seeing my second girlfriend, who at the time was M. Another seems to have sworn off men entirely, after in our relationship I wouldn’t stop seeing other girls, and didn’t want her to keep the baby. Another woman left her husband for me, and wound up single. She was 41 years old to my 30. I had counseled her to stop fucking me or she would fall deeply and uncontrollably in mutual love, but she would not listen. M had years of torment about not keeping me faithful and not marrying her, and is still not married. I could go on. V is a strong woman who I have a great deal of respect for as a person. Her female agenda for strict monogamy is annoying, but also includes wisdom, and I think she can do well in her future. It took a lot of strength and courage to leave me, and she’s been working hard to put her life in good order. I really respect her, and like her, and always did.

So many broken hearts in my life. And mine has been broken so often. I keep telling myself that collateral damage is inevitable, and everybody – absolutely everybody who dates – causes and receives heartbreak. It’s built into the system, and we didn’t create the system.

But I’m looking forward to not being the “cause” of that in the immediate foreseeable future.

Update Jan 30:

My girlfriend (who in my head I call my wife) hosted a small party last night, and dragged me down to join the group her and three friends.  We shared some drinks and soon were laughing with near every sentence, and one guy kept saying that I was funny.  A bit difficult to do with the language barrier, but jokes can be kept simple, such as my girl saying “I’m need to go pee”, and I look at her tenderly and point to my mouth and say “pee in my mouth”.  Simple jokes, if delivered in quick succession, can have the group laughing and laughing.

I was impressed by how she handled herself being falling down drunk, and the quality of her friends.  She kept calling me her husband, which always makes my dick hard.  And the dick never lies.  She seems so very proud of me, and we are already so coupled, it’s quite touching, and you could see that her friends respected our mate choices.

Last night we were out grocery shopping, and after coming home I relayed to her my experience there.  I’d carefully examined the hottest girl I could find there, wondering what it was about her that made her seem so attractive to me.  “Ok, her ass in that skirt.  My girl has the same shape and size ass.  That’s cool.  Well, she’s a little too tall for my tastes, let’s see the face.  My girl has a cuter face.  I win the contest again!”  My girl really liked this story, even if checking out other girls made her a little squirmy.  I have a long habit of whenever I go out with a hot girlfriend to check around to see if she is the hottest in the restaurant, and if so declare to her loudly “I win the contest!”  Not she wins by being the hottest.  I win, by having the hottest girlfriend.

She was screeming at the top of her lungs during sex last night, in the same tonalities that I use when I’m feeling kundalini rise.  And she’s constantly sexually aroused now, wanting to fuck.  That means to me that her kundalini type energy has awoken.  When that happened to me as a young man I was horny all the time for decades.  It’s pretty difficult to keep up with her now, in fact I’ll admit it that it’s pretty well impossible.  Hard to get my work done too.  But fuck, I love hearing her scream.  Very romantic screaming too.  I need to record it, it’s something to be proud of.

Update February 14: She told me of a dream two nights ago, in which I was hugging her and she felt that she’d met her soul mate and was very happy.  Something like that.  I had one of those mixed up metaphorical dreams this morning.  She was in the dream, in a weird way – my computer bios was happy, and it was because of her.  The metaphor being that her effect was at a core and persistent level.

We fucked on a balcony a few nights ago.  We also sometimes joke about topics of jealousy.  Big contrast to V; V can be experimental in bed, but is too prudent to want to do public sex.  And topics of jealousy are no laughing matter to her.  Lots of belly laughs with this one.  We spend all of our time together, and very easily and happily.  It’s great.  I haven’t felt much urge to see other girls, but there are still options that have a long history of keeping me interested.  But I’m pretty happy with this girl; I suppose it should be interesting that people can get close very fast, but that’s common to a lot of peoples experience.

Today she called me her best friend.  That was touching.  We are really just very happy.  Really good fit.  I also of course like being adored, and she isn’t shy to gush and give puppy dog eyes and say “I love you” a lot.  Sometimes if a girl is just a bit uglier than I think I rate, that could actually bother me.  But this one is at a level of attratciveness I’m quite comfortable with.  I do want to own her, and love it that she loves me – makes it easier to actually be in love, which can kind of hurt.  Maybe it’s the terror part of being in love that can be physically painful, even when all is going well.  So the mutual being in love, with her giving all indications of at least matching my feelings, makes it less terrifying.

Arrogant women get furious for getting exactly what they demand

Jealous girls, and guys, can have their entire brain circuitry hijacked, to the degree that they can only hold ONE thought, ONE emotion. EVERYTHING else becomes eclipsed.

I’ve heard guys say that the most important attribute for a woman is that she is a virgin before marriage, and never cheats. They’d accept pretty well any other attribute, as long as they get fidelity.

And for girls it gets crazier.

I have had girls who put up gigantic walls and barriers to their virginity, that ONLY an experienced seducer could surpass. They screen out anyone except for a romantic bad boy.

There is no virgin who is a good lover. It takes years to become a good lover. So I’ve trained up some virgins, who eventually came into their own, and discovered a sexuality that few other men on earth would have been able to give her.

And then, when jealous, they get incredibly arrogant and incredibly emotionally labile and incredibly puffed up and full of themselves, and declare;

“How DARE you look at other girls on the beach?!!”

“How DARE you still be interested in spending time with other girls, discreetly, when I’m not around?”

To be fair, a few girls did take pains to thank me, over and over, for awakening their sexuality. They understood what an incredible gift I gave them. Seriously, without me, they would have gone their whole life without properly developing their sexuality.

And yet because of instincts and FEELINGS, girls want a flying supertanker.

A beta bad boy.

ONLY a romantic bad boy in love can make a girl squirt and squirt and squirt and bring her to emotional tears during sex. A good boy can’t, never will, never did.

And you can’t put a bad boys balls in a purse. Otherwise he was never a bad boy, and never would have made you squirt. It’s simply impossible to tame a bad boy; he’ll grow so resentful at the attempt that he’ll start to get cranky and ignore you, and you’ll become bewildered at what changed. You did; you changed him. You wouldn’t let him be a man, and so he stopped acting like a man TOWARDS YOU!

Arrogant women. Will destroy a man’s life, for being a man. Because FEELINGS. “Oh, I’m jealous, therefore you are WRONG and BAD! I’m too good for the exact type of man I screened for! Now I only want the kind of man I kept rejecting, year after year, before I finally opened up my full sexual potential with the romantic bad boy.”

“And any feeling that the man has doesn’t exist and doesn’t count, because I have feelings, and I’m jealous, and that is paramount and erases absolutely everything else, and he can go to hell.”

There is a reason that romantic bad boy types say that 80% of girls who leave them eventually come back.

Because sexual chemistry is fucking important.

And you can’t get it with guys who will be polite with their eyes at the beach. You can’t get it with guys who are not an infidelity risk. You just can’t. Sexual chemistry with good boys DOES NOT EXIST.

No good boy ever opened up a womans sexual potential.

God, what I had to do to seduce the virgin M when she was 21. I swear no other man on the planet would have been able to do it. I literally had to wrestle her – it looked quite like rape. What good boy would be capable of it? And what good boy would have turned her from a lousy lay to an absolutely incredible orgasm machine? None. When she would keep coming back to me she’d say “Oh, you always make me come”, and occasionally admit that such a thing was rare with other guys, unless on a tongue. It took a full two years to open up her sexuality. And it was most fully open when she was doing pussy wars against N17; the jealousy brought out her absolute best. And now today without me she’s all closed down again.

And what good boy could have brought so much out of the virgin V?

No good boy.

She went from zero to hero. And that also took more than two years. No good boy would have ever awoken her. Ever. She’d have lived her entire life without knowing her potential.

The exact thing that women want is the exact thing they get furious for getting.

It’s not difficult to pair bond and have children and a life with an experienced man. It’s really quite simple and easy, and women do it all the time.

All you have to do is swallow your fucking pride and stop looking at his phone. Simple. Then you’ll be relatively happy. As happy as you can be. THAT is as good as it gets.  If you want passion and spark and romance in your relationship.

You can’t be passion happy with a beta good boy. You can’t. You’ll be secure, yes, but not mate-happy.

Update: I was still angry when I wrote this post.  I’m not so angry now, and feel more remorseful at what could not be than cranky.

Protected: Never listen to girls explaining cultural differences and religion.

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There is a reverse to getting over someone?!

At first part of me was relieved that she was breaking up with me. Something was wrong – I felt too much pressure.

Then the pain kicked in, then anger, then the slow steady burn of heartbreak. I’ve been expecting it to steadily diminish. It did, at first.

Then I caught wind that she was thinking of me, and somehow I caught hope that we had a chance.

She used to visit near every day, and would be so excited to show up at the door.

Jeesus, the first thought in the morning when I wake up is her. And the last thought before going to sleep. And a constant feeling in my heart that keeps working it’s way into words in my head. It’s two months already, and she’s had her heart rest period and is going out on dates. I’m nowhere near anything like her; I don’t need to be not into anyone else to be heavily invested in her as my mate. And I don’t get over people fast. If at all. I don’t really even understand what ex girlfriend means, frankly – other than girls who won’t fuck me anymore or die. We were mates, something she can’t comprehend if I also have eyes and any time whatsoever for anyone else.

She aimed her ass at me, and asked me to make her pregnant.

She said the reason she was breaking up with me was because she wanted a family. She even gave me a chance – wording it such that she wasn’t breaking up with me, but that she wanted a baby and family – leaving me the option to jump in and take that roll.

I wouldn’t mind the baby, and I’d be happy to have her as a mate for life, but she wants the baby under the condition of me not only appearing to be monogamous, but actually always being monogamous. I think that’s an absurd overly stringent condition. I can’t do it. I know I can’t. I don’t have that to offer, and I can’t offer something pretend – she’d find out or see through it and it wouldn’t work.

I kept my dignity during the breakup, but it was very uncomfortable, and I kept waiting for her emotions to die down so we could properly connect again, and maybe work out how to be in each others lives while she went ahead and sought what she wanted in her life. They never did, and we never did.

Very sensitive girl, with at least as much relationship OCD as I have.

I can’t change her. I can’t make her accepting of all of me.

And I can’t seem to get over her.

In my mind and heart she’s still my mate. Like already my wife, but not here currently.

She doesn’t see it that way. She ghosted me, because she thinks it’s the only way to be able to focus on someone new who can give her the life she is looking for. And because after she broke up the very same night I was in the bed of another girl, and she assumed it was an ongoing thing prior to the breakup.

Damn it.

I once had a girlfriend I was very dissatisfied with, as she was older than me, and so physically not my type. That was one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life; I missed her for two full years, and during those two years I was having extremely frequent fantastic sex.

Most guys who write on manosphere type blogs are not talking about long term relationships, and almost never about ones where the partners bond. We basically lived together, I took her viginity, we had three years, and were very comfortable and happy together. She was home.

There is no home now.

Nobody else makes me at home.

Other girls were just other girls. Not home.

Fuck.

This might take a while. God I hope not another two years.

Update: I’ve been taking baclofen to treat acid reflux for 5 days now, and it’s been helping, but unfortunately I’m going to have to stop as it makes me moody and sad. A known side effect. I think it would be unhelpful to my mood regardless of circumstances. It’s a muscle relaxant, and makes my mood lax too.

Update: A lot of what I offer is what I am; a person who loves to connect. I can’t be that guy with that to offer unless I grieve – it’s the only reset that can get me back to the place where I’m emotionally open and sensitive and have what I have to offer.

Otherwise I’ll be emotionally shallow. And that’s not my thing; not my hook; not my game. Not me, not my life.

There are positives and negatives to being emotional, but it’s definitely a baby, not bathwater. A major reason I was into V was how attached and emotional she was. It was also a major reason I resented her and wanted to pull away.

The baby can be fine tuned, but keep the baby.

In this vein I find that the diorama that has been created that is called red pill thought is now quite often more harmful than helpful. People craft a mental map, and compare their experiences and the experiences of others against the map, and if there are differences, proclaim that the experiences are wrong.

Instead of updating their map.

So they create a world, instead of describe one, and wind up actually inhabiting a diorama, instead of sharing real life in a real, complex, ever changing world.

Being quick to label everything as either alpha or beta, R or K, is using mental labels in such a way as to be more wrong than right. The world really isn’t like that. It’s very kindergarten level understanding. Very cartoonish.

Love isn’t a weakness, and neither is grief, nor is pair bonding beta, nor is it alpha to be an unmoving unemotional rock.

The artist is neither alpha, beta, or sigma. He is bravely present and creative, and out of that comes his undying panache. No excuses, no apologies.

I don’t believe in forever, but occasionally I take some nostalgic pleasure in the best times shared with all my girls:

and a few of the songs that V kept humming the weeks leading up to the breakup:

And one she had running through her head about a month later, that led to me regaining hope, and thereby increasing my heartbreak:

Three weeks later she now declares she’s in a new relationship, as I learned last night. I thought the lack of hope would help me move on, but if so, moving on is full body moody.

And we’ll end in a more upbeat, but still dusky tone:

Update: Yesterday’s theme was connecting with my emotions, listening to music, playing piano. A long walk on the beach, and the usual few hours spent hunting for new dates I’d be really into. This morning I woke up out of a dream in which I was talking to V about being together. On waking out of that reality hit me like a flood of rotting sardines. I hate waking up to that feeling of things being horribly wrong and depressing and anxiety causing. That’s unhealthy. Today I’m playing a tighter game with my mind; lots of body centered meditation, focusing not on any thoughts, but relaxing the places in chakras where there are emotional knots. Much less narrative today.

There is a meditative technique called tight and loose. That’s where you alternate between extremes of a very lax almost no controlling awareness discipline, to tightly labeling thoughts and constantly going back to following the breath, viewing thoughts as interuptions. So yesterday was loose day, and today is tight day.

And I’ve made some progress in lining up dates with girls who could really work for me, on the physical level at least.

This process is a bit of a surprise, as it was nearly entirely initiated by my own ambivalence. I could very easily have kept V. She gave me ample opportunity, after opportunity to claim her in a way that worked for her; monogamous marriage, after an extended passionate courtship in which she gave her all and best possible self to me and for me. And put up with loads of heartache giving me new chances. And I had even been thinking of moving on myself. I’ve had worse grief in my life, but I didn’t expect this much with her for so long. Not sure what lesson to take from that, other than perhaps try my best to find a girl I’d be less ambivalent towards and more able to offer what she wants longer term.

I suppose the other lesson is how much the companionate portion of relationships is a hook for me. It’s her friendship that and our comraderie that was a huge part of our coupling. The sex and her body was a big part of it, but this relationship was rare in how much of the value was friendship based. That was really nice to have, and I’m glad I got to experience that, with her. I’m rather nostalgic for it, but unfortunately, the brain is wired to erase all good memories and highlight the negative ones after a breakup, so for her she seems to have done that.

I deliberately re-wired my system to not follow that easy way out natural instinct. It’s been scientfically carefully studied how the memories get re-edited; I read it in an old psychology today magazine back when I was going through a divorce, nearly 30 years ago.

Sometimes, when infatuated enough, I actually do want to marry a girl and knock her up. V was half my age, fit and tight and shapely, good sexual match, and so I think by most peoples standards I was getting a good bargain overall with her. But somehow she didn’t put me over the edge with uncontrollable lust to want to immediately lock her down with a baby to secure her. Instead she had to slowly work her charms on me, and year after year get under my skin. Which she did, admirably and to great success.

In order to get the bargain of what I have grown accustomed to feeling deserving of, an attractive girl in her early twenties, I might have to offer what could be quite a stretch for me. We’ll see.

For self esteem reasons I think most guys would prefer to view themselves as better than the exe’s new beau. He’ll be better than me in a lot of ways, sharing more of her culture, and not being so ill; my illness always kept me from going out on the adventures that she wanted. I’m pretty sure she will be screening for a guy dedicated to marriage and babies, upfront, and my guess is such a guy won’t be as agressive in bed as she very strongly prefers. Plus the average penis size of Koreans is not even 4 inches long. And mine is noticeably above average in length. All girls I’ve ever asked, when going from a great sex to a great security relatonship could not be induced to complain; they seem to somehow forget that they ever had those needs. Except for one girl who would tell me at every opportunity that she missed the size of my cock. She said her new guy was a way better lover for her, but it was my dick itself she missed. For V, my guess is, she’ll take a big hit in the area of life that’s been my biggest concern. Cruel and petty of me to wish her anything but utmost happiness, I know, but I suspect it’s a 99% common pettiness.

I’ve got an average sized penis. For a Congolese.

Famous true story joke “Why is a young hottie like you with that ugly old man?” “Because he’s rich and has a big dick.”

A small voice can have a wide influence. I see my voice around.

I’m listening to some JJ Cale on Youtube, after reading in comments of a Clapton tune that he was the author. He’s not popularly known, but is seen of as a musicians-musician. Popular and influential to musicians, who often cover his stuff.

YOHAMI says:

“chi-kung” I was just going to recommend that.

That’s good to hear. I’m hearing more guys start to talk about meditation and chi-kung.

I read long ago that there are hubs of influence, and that inputs into that hub make the 6 degrees of separation connections.

So although I’ve had my own blog for going on 10 years, most of my influence, I think, will have come from posting on other blogs, or from writers reading my blog, chewing on my ideas and fitting them into their own.

Meditation is widespread in the culture, and a natural fit to self improvement, however it’s great to see people fit that seamlessly into their notions of game, and if I’ve had any influence to add more momentum to that ball, that would be cool.

I used to never hear about people not coming during sex. Now that seems to be a thing.

Chi-kung was extremely fringe back when I was in the states. Like a favorite album in a record collection though, it somehow started to catch on in my community, after people caught wind of it, seemingly from hearing it first from me. And again it was the bigger influencers that were the hubs – I just happened to influence the influencers.

This is a reason why I sometimes take pains to correct harmful views of major influencers, and have done so with Roissy, Rollo, and Roosh. I know for sure that my efforts have seen good fruits. Although I do seem to remain rather invisible.

Do you remember how you came to learn about Chi-kung?

..

I was unclear – I’ve written extensively about harmful views, in many blog posts and comments, however it’s never been the influencer who changed his opinion, but the readers of the influencers.

The sphere, on the whole, has been correcting itself. In places it gets mighty fucked up, but as it grows, it’s been self-correcting.

That’s very important to me, personally, and some people can’t seem to understand why. As if caring about your brothers is an impossibility. Or worse yet a social faux-pas imposition.

****
Original comment that Yohami replied to:

Nash said:

Xsplat said: My method to keep girls attached is frequent sex, which usually means meeting two and sometimes more girls per day

Per day??? Or per week?

I should have included in the comment that I don’t really have that system working in my life right now – only two girls I see, and I’m not trying to keep them exclusive. Before that also my situation was not about running around seeing the girls all the time.

I was talking about what I was doing about two years ago, and for some years before that. Yes, per day.

A dozen years or so ago I started to have experience with seeing two girls in the same day. Made me feel like a king! Wow! So naturally I turned that happenstance into a lifestyle. Then a lifestyle system.

So I became quite comfortable with seeing at least two girls in a day. To manage the libido I managed my orgasms, and did chi-kung and lifted weights, ate well, plenty of rest, etc. With that system libido was never a limiting factor – only time was.

Lately I’ve almost forgotten how to fuck. To my surprise I’m coming more. I guess I don’t want to be holding so much libido in my body, because I don’t have enough lovers that I’m into to share that high voltage energy with. I think a lot of guys also don’t feel too comfortable being too horny – we relase that tension with jerking off. But releasing that tension becomes a habit that is difficult for the body to break. I’m going to have to go back to kindergarden and relearn what was once just a natural habit – as if I’m learning to drive a car again after a bad stroke.

I do think it’s down to not having appropriate lovers.

Like I said, I turned a happenstance into a lifestyle, into a lifestyle system. I’ve thought deeply about and systematized what works and why. Having three or more girls, and occasional dates, greatly increases my libido. Increased libido when increased opportunity is natural to mammals, and is called the Coolidge effect. Chi-kung and not coming GREATLY increases this effect.

So ya on some days I’d see three or four girls. I remember 5 visits one day, and I was still horny. Thats tail end of the bell curve, but it’s not down only to high libido – it’s also the full system working.

About keeping girls on a once per week rotation, ya, I did that once, although I tend not to because if I’m into a girl why not see her more? Both usually want it. I didn’t see that girl more, because I was ONLY into the sex, and preferred other girls for hanging out time. Later I’d see her more often, but usually leaving one girl in my bed, and then going to visit the fuck buddy in the middle of the night. Later we did see each other more – sexually it got quite intense – I think I came 11 times with her once – probably my record.

But anyway, I wanted to make the distinction between having a harem, and having a fuck buddy. If she is not exclusive – if she has her own harem, it’s not really a harem, is it?

Let’s get existential: our soul is love

That’s a Buddhist contemplation, that I have, several times in my life, explored to the depths my being was able. I’ve had several periods throughout my life of weeks and months being deeply altered by the contemplation of the nature of mind as love.

It’s an amazing drug that you could call Enlightenment to realize that every motion of your mind is by it’s essence kind. “All the sentient beings wants to be happy”.

You could also say that everything is evolution and self perpetuating power structures, however that misses the subjectivity of it.

I have to back up even farther and get more meta, unfortunately. I’ve had to see, many times, that many people are not able to cognize the “hard problem” of the mind/body duality. Most people can’t hold in their mind that subjective experience is different, in nature and category, than objective stuff. People think they can upload their minds into a computer, and as long as a behaviorist could not distinguish big differences between inputs and outputs to the body-self and the computer-self, that therefore there are no meaningful differences.

We can’t ever prove subjectivity in anyone other than ourselves. There is no way to do it. The turing test does not prove subjectivity. We infer that other meat-people like us have subjectivity, and it’s a sound inference. An inference that can not be proven. But we have no call to infer that information is equal to subjectivity. In the distant future when humans have built a globe the size of the galaxy, they could co-ordinate one day to perform a play. Each would hold a giant lego block, representing electrons and chemical messages that pulse within and between neurons in a human brain. They would pass along all these giant blocks to each other, perfectly representing and capturing every conceivable bit of information that is passed on in a brain.

Does that dance have subjectivity of the information that was processed?

No. We can’t infer that it does, and would not infer that. It’s too different from our system that we know causes subjectivity.

Ok, so that’s the hard problem. We really have no idea where subjectivity comes from. I know most readers won’t be able to believe me, and will think that I don’t have the authority to make such a statement. But I do, and we don’t, and nobody does. The closest theory we have that aims to be explanatory is that subjectivity must somehow be a nature of reality in the same way that gravity is. That theory is championed by some physicists, perhaps as they are accustomed to thinking in terms of physics. But that theory doesn’t really work that well, because it can’t account for why subjectivity is only emergent. And people have reported subjectivity when various parts of the brain deemed essential were not active, so we really still don’t have any clue where to point a finger. A brain is needed, but the information itself doesn’t cause it.

But I know that many readers won’t be able to cognize what subjectivity is, and will brush the concept aside as meaningless, and mistake any blow up doll that gives good head with another being who also wants to be happy.

Ok.

So we aren’t just self perpetuating power structures – evolution isn’t everything. We are beings. We have subjectivity. All the sentient beings want to be happy.

We do war, but it’s because we want to be happier.

So every movement of your mind is searching out more happiness. Brains get confused and warped and twisted, and don’t always take the direct approach, but the orienting principle is guided by happiness – it’s evolved that way – of course.

Some drugs and experiences get us to a really existential place. We see things through such fresh eyes, we are amazed all over again that anything at all is here. That we are here. That other people are here. We might fear for how to continue being. We might wonder what it means that piano notes can sound wrong, or give moods. We might consider our place among others – will others care for us if we need help? Are we hurting others?

Looking at the world from the subject – as one existing being among others – then we see plain as day that we are love. We only want other people to be happy. We only want ourselves to be happy.

I’ve been doing ketamine (for legitimate health reasons, and also as an exploration into what it means to be alive) and it always seems to come back to this.

I made up a fun song on the piano yesterday. The title and only verse was “It’s good to be confused because…”

It took until the end of the ketamine trip to find words for after the because. And now I forget what they were – hehe. But there is a reason – it wasn’t one of those false meaningful meanings. It’s good to be confused, because…

Because it gets you existential. It makes you take a fresh look. You have to stand back.

Not knowing is an invaluable place to be. Why do these piano notes do that?!! I have no idea! It’s good to be confused!

Why is anything at all here? I have no idea! It’s good to be confused!

But I know one thing.

All the sentient beings want to be happy.

Evolution couldn’t figure out any other way to do it.

To survive we need rewards and pains, and our biggest rewards come from when we are working towards successful procreation and maintenance of our kin. Sex and being nice to each other. Taking care of our children, receiving care from our parents, getting the huge rewards from coupling in co-operation to make babies, fostering our society, keeping each others spirits up. Love.

Our soul is love.

…

Sadism still exists though.

But sharing love freely is not sadism. Being insecure and jealous may actually be more cruel than sharing love outside of a monogamous bond, if you think about it. If everyone is nothing but kind to each other, always, what right does anyone have to label another as cruel for being kind to someone else, behind her back? And to seek revenge for her own pain – the pain of the other person being kind to someone else!

…

The Tibetan head abbot was visiting our monastery, and during question period replied that it was ok to cheat on taxes, because no one is born into tax slavery and taxation is not a right that any entity has over a person. His opinion was that it was ok to lie, even as a monk having taken vows not to lie, if one is being persecuted wrongfully. Is it therefore also ok to lie about infidelity? If infidelity is in no way wrong, and truth would only lead to being persecuted and have revenge brought upon onseself, and to losing his love, should a man not lie about infidelity? Would that not be the most moral thing to do? For self protection, and so that the goodness of the relationship can be maximized?

Our primitive instincts to feel jealousy do not trump our other primitive instincts to mate non-monogamously, in the realms of morals and ethics. Both are nothing but base instincts – however one of them causes pleasure, the other denies it. Causing pleasure is moral and ethical. Denying it is not. Causing pain is immoral and unethical, however causing the pain of jealousy can be done in two ways:
1) the person is indiscreet in his affairs
2) the person is being spied on or is being overly scrutinized.

If it’s the 2nd then the person causing the harm is the person who is feeling the jealousy.

***

FOG is the acronym of Fear, Obligation, Guilt. The acronym is given as a thinking aid, and is called a red flag.

Hatred is also a red flag.

Our soul is love, but this is a confusing place, with confusing boundaries. The FOG acronym was created to help the community of people who deal with people with Borderline Personality Disorder traits, because FOG is used as a manipulation tool.

We can develop and feel a sweet playful nurturing vibe that has a real presence, and can be a real center. We feel and perform best when it feels as if this center is the actor. When we act out of fear, we are not acting from that center. Obligation by definition is an imposition and expectation that can’t be questioned. Our center acts on it’s own, AFTER questioning, because it WANTS to. Guilt trips can be laid on others to control them, but what happens to the center then? The guilt tripper lays it on like this: “Bad center! You don’t even exist! You are not nurturing or playful unless you obey my rules, so ignore your center and feel shame until you learn to behave, then maybe I’ll be nice to you and also suggest to the group to believe that you have a center of sweet playful nurturing.”

Red flags are signs in the road saying “get off of the road for a moment”. Take a step back, and another.

Of course we all can be unkind or thoughtless, so red flags don’t only mean that others are demonizing us as a manipulation tactic.

The road is our social programming, and it’s not easy to get off that road. But luckily there are some basic common sense guidelines. Such as everyone wants to avoid suffering, and everyone wants to feel good. The tricky navigation comes with the boundaries of FOG. Just because someone else is feeling bad, doesn’t mean you did something wrong, and just because you feel bad, doesn’t mean someone else did something wrong.

People say trust your gut feelings, but that’s terrible advice. Our emotions can be completely out of line with objective reality and the agendas of other people. And our emotions are hugely influenced by our upbringing – our social programming. All social programming has assumptions in it. Assumptions. Things we are told can’t be questioned. You can’t step off the road if you don’t also step off your gut feelings.

We have to use our mind and heart at the same time, because either one alone can fuck up big time. Jealousy, for instance, can be the go to gut/heart feeling, but can lead to dehumanizing someone who loves you. And without heart we can calculate which humans deserve to live and act on that. We are all philosophers choicelessly. Our only option is how good at philosophy we care to be. To step back when seeing a red flag requires stepping waaayyy back – outside of everything.

***

I’m aware that a big chunk of humanity thinks that morals are god given, and mere humans are not in any position to question them. Monogamy, to many, is right and non monogamy when in mutual love can only be performed by people who are wrong to their core.

I realize that no words or argument will change such emotional realities for some people.

But the world is not an emotional reality.

***

I realize that a popular jargon word in what has grown out of the sphere is the term “cucks”, from the root cuckold. I find that a fear and loathing based word. Not a word that comes from a playful place of respecting and nurturing oneself or others. It’s the word of a guy who fears his girl will run off with a more handsome and charming man unless he can convince the entire tribe to enforce some monogamy rules.

That is an evolved strategy, built right into the instincts of many people, and it is also cultural memes. However that strategy is largely ineffective in this changing modern world, and coincidentally is also spiritually bankrupt.

Your woman needs to want to be with you.

If you are going to FOG her, best not to do it rightously.  Some women do want to be mate guarded, but it’s a mutual dance – you still need her permission to guard – no one has the right to.

And unfortunately things do change, and people have mixed feelings and say and believe one thing in one circumstance only for new circumstances to change motivations.  So the bottom reason to stay together is always because people want to – never FOG.

And it’s not always a sign of major error when things go to splattered bloody shit.  Unfortunately many people seem to be built to prefer to crash land their relationships, because demonizing others and hating them is the fastest way to make an emotional break.

In heaven no one is jealous

The cosmetic surgery is perfect, fast, and painless, and advanced to the point of full limb and even full body transplants.

AI and robots manage the economy, with the aim to maximize human satisfaction. So people still work, but they don’t have to. The AI powers colluded to maintain a constant equilibrium of vigilance over AI turning rogue or concentrating power.

Jealousy has been removed from the human condition, through neural network implants that aid in positive reinforcement and are able to shut off entire paths of neuron firing, if you program them to do so.

Society has been divided into the Squares, and the Bohemians. The Bohemians are known as the artisan class, and are into free love. They all decided to shut off the jealousy circuit. They all have perfect bodies, are happy, social, and love to fuck and fuck freely for fun.

A day in the life might look like this:
I walk into the buffet for an early lunch. This restaurant has a cafeteria style table setup, instead of small private tables, to encourage mixing and meeting new people.

The oldest person at the table is 426, the youngest is 16, but most have decided on a body in it’s early twenties. The food was good, and I ate a big portion for the fun of it. Extra calories will just be shit out; my body is programmed not to store more than 10% body fat.

The girl to my right comments on my body fashion. I go to the gym as a habit, however if busy I can set the program to maintain any muscle mass I choose. I prefer a wiry lean body, even though it seems out of the current bigger-is-better fashion. The conversations within earshot shift around, but one person has the habit of trying to be the center of attention, so I get bored and say my nice-to-meet you’s, giving a two cheek kiss to the girl who paid most attention to me.

At the cash register I say hi to the owner. I’m a regular, and tonight, for some reason, she realizes that I seem a bit melancholy, and invites me over to a home cooked dinner. After dinner her husband starts to doze off, and she casually undresses and starts to mount me. The husband and her share a wireless link, which she turns on, even though he is asleep. He’s adjusted the setting such that it only alters the mood of his dream, rather than wakes him up, and is only set to receive certain erotic feelings.

We are in great health and manage three hours of ever increasing exstacy and intimate connection. During some points of our communion we feel great mutual love, and overpowering intensity of electric near out-of-body clock speed altering passion. The husband wakes up for a bit, glances over at us, gives us a thumbs up and a wink, then eyes rolling up in his head, let’s himself doze back off into whatever dream girls he was enjoying.

The robots clear our plates and mop up the mixed come stains from the bear skin rug. The wife gives me a peck on the cheek goodnight, and the husband groggily shakes my hand goodnight, thanking me for the pleasant conversation.

I go home and plug into a shared virtual reality of naked bodies sleeping in a bed of flowers. In our dreams we sometimes fuck, sometimes talk, or fly, or transform. Dreams can be literally shared now, and minds can mingle.

The next morning I get back to one of my “jobs”, which is in a combination band and comedy act.

In heaven nobody gets jealous, if they don’t want to. Once you turn jealousy off, you never turn it back on. Life is just so much better.

________________________________________________________

In contrast with this day in the life:

Two people have been in love and seeing each other for months. One starts to get a bit bored, and wants to rekindle his inner fire, and so spends a bit of time with a different girl. It works – he gets generally more aroused, is happier, less cranky and has renewed sexual interest at home with his main squeeze.

The main squeeze, M.S., notices that he is less anxious, and starts to feel insecure. Why is he so content lately? Why is he less irittable? Why is he smiling? She starts to suspect infidelity.

This leads to the insecurity death spiral, which looks like this:

Girl:
“Does he love me? Is he fucking around? If he is, it means he is over me. I’d better act possessive and start screening his phone calls, and demanding more attention. I’d better act very clingy and insecure, to test him to see if he caters to my ever increasing demands for re-assurance”.

Guy:
“What’s with this girl? When is she going to calm down? Nothing I say seems to make a difference, and I’m tired of constantly having to baby sit her mind. Is she incapable of feeling loved? It’s like a cup with a hole in the bottom – no matter how much love I pour in, it just falls out, and she is back asking for free refills. This is getting draining. The more she is demanding, the more I want to pull away.”

Girl:
“I knew it! He’s not reassuring me. He’s not giving me the attention I want. He’s not into me anymore. It’s that damn bitch, isn’t it! He’s fucking that damn slut! Fuck him! How dare he do this to me! I hate him. He’s a sociopathic asshole, and he never even loved me to begin with. I wasted all my time on this guy for nothing. I’m out of here”

Jealousy.

All because of jealousy.

Without jealousy, life would be heaven.

Portaits of the soul-less having fun

Glancing down at N yestersay, I saw a rare glimpse of her character without her mask on. Pure cunning maleavolence. Spooky.  As soon as she realized there was attention on her she snapped on her puppy dog eyes.

Yesterday I had accused her of not having an identity that could utter even one sentence from an “I’m OK, you’re OK” stance.” She can speak in narratives that are not passive aggressive, but if she’s forced into a direct person to person communication where recognizing other’s feelings and her own is implicit, she simply doesn’t have the wiring to utter even one sentence – not one – that is not passive aggressive.

A picture would tell the tale better, so I plugged “evil brooding girl face” into google images.  No search terms could come up with that unguarded moment.  And it’s not a face even a good actor could put on.

So I had to include artists and actors interpretations.  Not close, but less far.

 

 

 

And here is one that could represent the emptiness inside cluster-B girls. They have a shell for a core, that to them is unlovable, and therefore can not give love. The self esteem is so low that they can’t esteem others. The way cluster-B’s give love is to yearn for affection and attention, while idealizing the other. The same as how social conservatives love – they don’t love the actual person, they love the rules that the person is supposed to follow.

Many cluster-Bs rage when their rules are not followed,.

The aggressive ones are a hornets nest, with their troops ever vigilant circling around the nest and out into the forest, little hornet eyebrows furrowed as they scour for signs of any eggshells that have been stepped on.

However there are cluster-B’s who are expert at avoiding radar. The passive agressive Bs.

Cluster-Bs can’t develop an identity because of extreme heightened anxiety that happens when being interpersonal – anxiety over being abandoned, or seen to be insufficient.  So they develop and live in a mask.  They can’t take their mask off and relax and be themselves, because they don’t have one.  I know many people can’t imagine the reality of this, but it is the reality of this.  Cluster-Bs don’t have a self – they have masks with nothing behind the masks, other than an undifferentiated mess of fear and hollowness.

I’ve been pushing N for years – ever since I met her when she was at the tail end of her 17th year – to go to school or take classes or put herself into any social environments where she’d be forced to interact and be social.  So that she could grow her social muscles.

Now I realize that she’s not going to be able to develop a self without being on meds.  She needs to cut down the anxiety before she’ll be relaxed enough to have a self.  People with extremely low self esteem can’t even get close to having a self – it’s just too painful – a self can be judged lacking.  All they know, and all they are comfortable with, are masks.

Which could be fine if the mask was a persona that mimicked closely enough a self.  But for cluster B’s the masks are no such mimicry – they are a cruel and twisted agenda, with the purpose to undermine everyone else’s comfort in their own skin.  To make everyone else feel as hollow and ungrounded and hopeless and anxious and on edge as they do – as they always do, every moment.  Through this sadism their feelings of low self worth and anxiety are turned, in brief injections, into the thrill of power.

Revenge is their version of intimacy.

*****

Nobody else is going to say it, so I’ll have to say it myself.  There was a time when RoissyinDC was the peerless writer in the men’s game movement.  It was shocking the level of insight as poetry that paragraph after post consistently maintained.  Whoever is writing now is a not a good writer, and I’m much better.

My theory is that the orignal Roissy was a composite of a writer and editor, and all that remains today is the editor.  I had posted that theory in the comments section, years ago in the form that the writer of the political posts was purely the editor, and it got deleted.  “Shitlib/Cucks”?   That’s not the mind of a lover of women master theoretician with advanced theory of mind skills.  That’s the mind of an in-group out-group freak preaching on high to a cultivated in-group of suck-ups.  No one but a suck up could make it through a post strewn with so much jargon garbage.
D said:

I looked up Roissy’s old blog using google and the waybackmachine (internet archive.). I share your opinion on the dead poet. But I expect that you will find that the current author inhabits the aged body of the young poet. There are some themes and writing quirks that run throughout. I don’t wonder that decades of couplings with an unending stream of courtesans, amateur (as in un paid) porn stars, and actresses of all sorts can lead to a sort of coarsening of a man’s nature. It certainly has coarsened my own. Roosh calls it the black pill – the desire to tear it all down.

Yes, there are threads in his writing that continue unbroken, which is why my theory is that the original writer was a duo. The original writer admited as much – he said that he did work with an editor – that his writing was not a solo effort. It’s in one of his posts, somewhere.

So either the editor, or the poet, from the duo, is gone. But that the original writer was a duo is what the original itself claimed. I don’t know why I’m the only one who seemed to notice him saying that – it’s right in one of his posts, talking openly about how it’s common for writers to use editors, and how good writing is basically impossible without an editor, and how he uses one.

Many people have seen the quality decline and assumed, partly correctly, that the writer is now a different person. Forgetting that the writer already admitted that he was a duo.

If it’s the editor who is gone, and the poet-seducer who remains, and the poet became corrupted by the black pill, it’s a corruption deeper than I can understand. I’ve often wondered if some substance abuse would be required for a corruption that deep. Meth?

How to have a self

The self is an interpersonal construct.

We subjectively feel a self, but that interpretation of the facts of experience is by nature inaccurate – you could even say illusory.

If you start with psychology as your basis of self exploration and personal growth, you’ll feel forever stuck in a magnetic swamp, holding a compass. Psychology offers no way out, no way to freedom.

If you go full on Regard-All-Dharmas-as-Dreams Sunyata Buddha Mind about it, you get the freedom of dissociation – and what a great freedom that is – but the fact that the self is an interpersonal construct remains. Feeling dissociated from the self doesn’t stop it or others from doing its thing – the psychology remains.

Some people are naturals at having a self. Not socially awkward, no problems with depression or anxiety or compulsive neurotic thoughts, a decent integration of emotion with reason, healthy attachment style, good boundaries and strong social skills.

They rarely think about egolessness, because they don’t have to. They don’t search for freedom because they don’t feel trapped in their minds.

That can be mostly fine, but the solutions that psycho-somatic-spiritual seekers search out can fix problems that the comfortable didn’t even know that they had.

So some mental discomfort to begin with, can lead to long term better outcomes, if that discomfort compells you to find real, lasting solutions.

The solution to the self.

In my life I started to get weird shortly after puberty. Before that I was outgoing and well adjusted. But at some point I found I was manic depressive, had mild OCD, was a bit anorexic, and often had high social anxiety. Naturally alcohol was the medicine of choice, but I yearned for more relief.

It didn’t take long to discover the very powerful medicines of the meditative technologies. I took an ecclectic approach, before eventually settling in to living arrangements with hard core Buddhists, at meditation centers for periods of weeks, months, many months, and then at a monastery and in solitary forest retreats for a few years.

I was capable and serious enough to make some headway with the traditional practices, and made them personal. There were times, and sometimes long stretches of times, where the swamp became a magical self-aware place to be, and I was not the ego. Depression and anxiety and all the teenage neurosis were gone, and the swamp was less sticky, and I felt I had some bearings of direction in it.

I’d had some regular experiences of non-dual awareness, and sometimes lasting re-organization of where the identity is. It’s pretty hard to describe where the identity is after you’ve deliberately tried to evaporate it. It was pretty well everywhere – I didn’t see the rock, the rock was seeing itself. Perceptions looked at me, I didn’t look at them. Looked laughing at the very idea that I had a me. Magical state of mind, quite pleasant.

But then I started dating a child-woman with BPD. We’d be living in my converted school bus, and she’d rant at me with a face full of hysterics. My solution was to go wide – see the whole bus at the same time, and be that. You could say go egoless, or you could say dissassociate.

I was being abused.

Egolessness helps a bit, but not enough. Dissociating is a natural response to abuse, and you don’t even need Buddhism to do it – children do it naturally all the time. The damage to the identity organization, to the psychology of how the mind works, still gets done.

Egolessness doesn’t completely overhaul psychology and fix everything in there. Psychology has it’s own, quite independent, rules.

So now we’ve restated three important components of the self – of having an identity.

1) It does’t really exist, and you need egolessness to get a true breath of fresh air, at least from time to time.
2) it’s interpersonal – we can damage our self with bad company, and have a happier bigger one with good company
3) it has mysterious psychological workings that must be addressed on their own terms

The interpersonal aspects of self are quite the mind fuck though. We can’t, ultimately, be fully responsible for our own thoughts and feelings.

It’s an absurd folly to think that we are not enmeshed – think just for one moment about it. The very language you use as you think has each word a long lineage of the influence of other minds that created and gave new contexts and meanings to those words. Near every thought that you have is borrowed either in full or in part from thoughts that others gave to you.

That gives a whole new dimension to having a self.

Now it’s not only about egolessness vs psychology. It’s also about frames of reference for reality.

This is where the framework of social programming comes in.

We are all choicelessly socially programmed, and that’s not all bad.

Authentic self. Identity. Individuality. Genuine presence. In-the-moment honest being.

You can’t have any of that and also be merely socially programmed. You have to deprogram yourself in order to have an identity – a real individual self.

3. High-conflict people feed off of conflict and chaos. It gives them a buzz. For many, the only way they know how to relate to others is through aggression, blame and playing the victim. Once it ends, what does she have left? Nothing.

This is actually the reason for this post – you could consider all of it up to this point as preparatory classes for this course on Crazies-in-your-life.101

I have two long term women in my life who are passive aggressive. I said this to one of them yesterday.

“Sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible for you to interact with someone normally – to have an identity that is capable of simply being kind and easy going when you talk. Each and every sentence you say, every body movement, is designed to be crazy making, to bring me down. It’s like you are so completely miserable inside, that you can’t rest until I’m just as miserable as you are. Trying to talk to you is like trying to pound a nail into concrete. You deliberately do everything in your power to frustrate communication. Just watch when I talk to NN – no matter what I ask her she never gives a straight answer. Never. I always have to ask the same question 5 times in five different ways. You are exactly like her.”

A while back I’d lost some companions and only had those two crazies left in my life, and I started to go crazy. I wrote about it here, and explained what a relief it was to be spending time with V, and how my mental health was much improved.

The crazies still have good things to offer, but it’s a relationship similar to the booze. The poisonous aspects are inseparable from the good ones.

Lately I’ve been feeling very good – and the crazies were adding a lot of value. When they are limited to roles, it can mostly work.

But you can’t contextualize the mind-fuckers if mind-fuckery is the whole of your social interaction. Calling them out on their bullshit each sentence they make won’t change the attitude of the next sentence. Telling them to not talk at all won’t work; they can’t shut up. Ignoring the bullshit is just being a doormat. Good blowjobs and sex on tap, and some good loving attentions and wifely duties, but not a world to enter and live in.

Crazies want you in damage-repair mode, full time. They seek a sadistic solution for their unending intense anxiety and rock bottom self esteem. They feel a rush of the thrill to power, with each jab at you, each little twist of the knife, each little mind fuckery grain of salt added to the mountainous pile. It gives them a feeling of power, purpose and being grounded, in an otherwise sea of pain. You are no longer superior, with all your happiness and calm. They aren’t the only miserable ones.

They want you to need to recuperate for all the time they are away, so that you won’t have unbounded inner happiness and warmth to share while out and about, meeting normal people.

They want to twist your whole world into that of the alcoholic, with them being the alcohol – you get too fucked up to be able to meet better, and rely on their poison to get you through the day.

So having a self is not only about boundaries, self repair, self knowledge.

It’s also about having good friend and lovers, and keeping the crazies at arms length.

Later I want to talk about having authentic presence, within the context of ego. Meditative presence without non-duality as an aim. I’ll need to start talking about body-centered mindfulness, and my favorite form of that which I call chi-kung.

JakeS said:

1. I think identity is potentially a trap. Those who don’t know how to step back from them-selves are at risk of being manipulated. Your identity can be used against you, to join a cause that is actually against your best interests, fight wars etc.

Yes, but in that case the trap is better named “group-identity”, rather than identity.

In the west it’s common to leave home at 18, and by then start to make all important personal decisions without referencing parents for advice. Men especially learn to rely on their own judgments, above the advice of their closest friends.

We grow an identity – a pair of balls. We reference inside for what to do, not outside.

At the same time we also affiliate. The direction towards group-mind and group-identity is a different direction than that taken by the fresh off the boat teen learning how carve his own way in the world.

The direction of building up an ego, an identity, is the direction towards greater and greater inclusion of others, plus individuation, at the same time. That sounds paradoxical at first, until you throw the word “integration” at it. Identity is integration.

Integration of the greatest amount of facts into the biggest coherent truth. Integration of all aspects of self, including unrepressed sexuality, emotionality, and all the psychological drives you can shake a stick at.

Integration of ones own ideas with competing ideas, ones own agenda with competing agendas.

It is the weak identity, the unintegrated one, that has the greatest need to seek strength through affiliation, as you said.

And like you said, making rules against individuation allows governments and other self interested forces to leach power away from the individual. You pointed out Reich’s great insight that sexual repression was the root of fascism.

Which I think a lot of us men are coming to grips with, in our full bodies and instincts. Our sexuality is our own. It belongs to us, to do with as we choose.

I’ve got to study that charismatic leader’s intonations. And his writing is clever too – mixing we and I nicely to position himself as the leader of THEIR dreams.

Mr. King is the product of a long well studied lineage of charismatic church leaders. They know how to say exactly nothing at all while making it feel as if they are saying everything. He speaks as a song; foremost it moves emotionally, and if you like it also has interesting lyrics.

We already know that he had many babes, and I think we can hear that in his intonations. He actually has liberty – sexual liberty – and that gives him the libido that you can hear in his voice. That personal power, that energy.

That’s not the voice of a brow beaten well behaved monogamous man.

Charismatic leadership brings up another aspect of the self. Rarely, if ever discussed, in this context.

I’ve heard some self-aware cool dudes explain that they have no interest in and are wary of the Guru role. It’s a wise instinct, I suppose, I mean look at what’s happened to Mike Chernovich.  At times it seems as if he’s deliberately parodying the process of losing humility, in order to troll for clicks.  I’m sure that even he doesn’t know if he is.

But leadership is a role we often take on, even in very small ways during our turn in a conversation. We all have to hold the speaking stick, sometimes.

The charismatic leaders persuasive powers can help us to be our truest self, socially. The word “self” has incorrect associations. The self is an interpersonal construct. Self esteem is our best reckoning of what is our social esteem that others have for us. Holding the speaking stick is an interpersonal role for an interpersonal self – you are the other people – you move their attention just as easily as you move your own. To be your best self means to move their attention in the best way. You need charismatic powers for that.

Mystical pupil dilating hypnosis vs social programming – 2nd try

While modafinil-drunk yesterday I published and deleted a regrettable disorganized ramble.

I’m still over-eager to share the ideas in it. Hope I get them onto the page with less of a stimulant-psychosis mood this time.

The TLDR version of the post:
* Social programming is insidious and has strongly infected Buddhist communities
* Social programming is aided by the group mind conformity and social hierarchies displayed during public talks
* Many of the mystical Buddhist ideas have mundane explanations and frames of reference to understand them, including egolessness and past life experiences.
* Hypnosis and suggestion are very powerful and play a large part in social programming of Buddhist groups.
* Some hypnosis tricks can be done to induce mystical experiences. I have some experiences with that, and recount a few.
* Hypnosis party tricks to induce mystical experiences can be used to induce fast falling in love. I try to describe it.
* I posit that a person needs to be in a state of full authenticity to be able to perform some of the more subtle and extreme hypnosis tricks, and that such a state of authenticity requires that the individual not be diminished through social pressures to conform to expectations that are not in line with his authentic self. ” If I felt compunction to be polite and not look at other sexy girls while with a woman I loved, I’d not be capable of the eye trick.”
* The conclusion of the post spirals back around to saying that you can’t therefore expect monogamy from the bad boy, and girls would not have loved and had sex with that bad boy in the first place, if he was capable of monogamy.

Phew! I’m glad I was able to summarize yesterdays rant.

Over time I’ll add chunks from the ramble here. A reminder again – please don’t read the RSS feeds if you subscribe – I edit after publishing and the edited ready-for-radio version of the song is very different than the drafts. You’ll have to click over to the site to read it.

***
Begin 2nd rough draft:

“And then she said that it wouldn’t work because it’s broken”

“Uh, who’s she?”

“Susan!”

“Uh, what was broken? What wouldn’t work?”

Have you ever listened to a child who still lacks a developed theory of mind recount a story? It will be riddled with assumptions that the listener is inside her frame of reference.

I will try to talk about inducing mystical experiences through hypnotic suggestion, and in doing so I’m afraid I’ll make that child’s error. Many readers won’t have had experiences of floods of energy going up their spine, or sudden silencing of all thoughts, or egolessness, or instant love. I have to barrel ahead as if you do, otherwise the narrative loses momentum.

There are communities that gather around a real life magician. We are told that he is a deliberately-re-incarnated Tulku who has magical powers to open your mind to Enlightenments and Mystical experiences.

I will explain the mundane nuts and bolts of how this works, giving real life personal examples of peak experiences I’ve induced in others.

The peak experiences happen, but the interpretations of them in a Buddhist context are used in aid of the Buddhist Social Programming (which is required for income and religious infrastructure), which I think is unethical – at least if OZ does not at least occasionally peek out from the curtain. He’s not a god – he’s just like you and me, really. And he didn’t exactly CAUSE those mystical experiences. It’s a subtle, but important distinction.

****
thought snippet to unravel and then weave in:
It’s a whole system of being that allows for me to keep my libido and interest high. Having a lot of sex while in love is extremely addictive to the girl, and leads inevitably to some strong primal bonding emotions. But that feeling of strong romantic love and bonding wouldn’t happen to begin with without the frequent emotionally open sex, which only happens due to the system itself – and that system will make her jealous, confused, hurt and resentful, because it does not match up with her social expectations.

It’s a sad choice girls are often forced to make, and one that’s been talked about often. A girl can EITHER have a strong passionate romance with a “bad boy” lover, OR a stable friendship based monogamous companion.

What you are so moved by, so addicted to, so NEEDING in your entire being as if it were Truth, and Beauty and Goodness itself, only comes in relation to the lover-archetype-man who is in his authentic full flow moment. And the lover-archetype-man only exists for long dependent upon the causes and conditions of a system – a system bigger than you – a system where his love is not a laser beam. It’s a fire. As soon as you tame that fire and try to harness it with mirrors into some semblance of a laser beam, it’s all but totally snuffed out.

That’s beyond the man’s control. He didn’t invent his own brain; he’s merely in the drivers seat of it. He doesn’t have the option to remain in his full flow moment of passion, AND be monogamous. He’s tried. Believe me, we’ve all tried and tried.

Look back at how you fell in love with that man. Can you imagine that seduction happening if he was a virgin? How do you think he learned his ability to fall in mutual love and seduce you so fast, and why do you think it is that no other man had done with you what he did? You know in your heart he had to learn that with other girls. Seduction and love is a skill. A craft and a talent. That talent could not be learned in one lifetime under the rules of serial monogamy. You can’t have the lover archetype without having the lover archetype.

I know it’s nearly impossible to admit to. It’s truly sad, and I feel empathy for how sad that condition is. Women pretty well are doomed to not getting what they want. You can’t fall in passionate romantic love with a monogamous man and keep that spark alive for long.

*****

From yesterdays’s post:

The conversations here have helped me to see things that I didn’t know that I knew, and connections between broad new understandings are being applied to old memories.

Back in the day, I used to hang out with Buddhists, and sometimes a few other ists. We were all about cutting through social programming, and tried to use the sword of insight to cut both ways and cut through spiritual materialism also.

But put people into a group, and BAM! Instant conformity. I’m at the very extreme edge of the bell curve for non-conformity for a non-psychotic, and it choicelessly happened to me too.

Group mind.

I was watching some old talks given by a lineage holder today, and was shocked to see my new perspective. Same talk, different man watching them.

The questioners to a man, to a woman, subordinate themselves to the teacher, and the entire audience acts as one to support anything that the teacher says.

I then watched the same dynamic for another speaker in a more new-age group.

Another tumbler clicked open with the realization that well studied group dynamics of group hypnosis were often at play; sometimes imbuing the speaker with magical powers.

Mesmer studied this hundreds of years ago, and Western psychology has been trying since then to refine ideas about suggestion. It’s extremely powerful, and in many settings is also completely invisible.

I clicked on a youtube of a older student of the now dead Big Teacher. I’ve studied with him over the years, and have butted heads with him in class. Which is VERY rare. Students almost never really have open public disagreements with teachers of spiritual subjects, especially of those teachers are considered spiritual teachers.

The peer pressure is just too great; so great that it becomes invisible; you don’t feel it, you don’t see it, you don’t taste it. You become it, and then it’s just the water you swim in.

You are just honestly doing your damnedest to get to the truth, oblivious to the machinery of group hypnosis and brainwashing; social programming.

This elder teacher was talking about an often talked about subject, how most all of his group of students were often absolutely terrified to talk to his Guru.

That is hypnosis. That is expectation. Group mind affecting your own perceptions. We have thousands of years of well documented tight cohesive group hallucinations and mental agreements about fantastical events. From laughing fits that take over entire towns for days and days, to naked dancing compulsion fits that infect towns, to seeing angels, ghosts, teachers changing color, and so on.

The Guru could just be sitting there, doing nothing differently than any average Joe. But because he’s in costume and the Group-Mind perceives of him as having literal magical powers, and have talked him up as being ego-destroying and mind-exploding, you can have those experiences around him.

There can be more to it then that, but there doesn’t HAVE to be. Such conditions are entirely sufficient to cause many of the wild drugless trips people have. Certainly enough to cause something as mundane as anxiety. Yet people feel as if they are in a special in-group of mystical knowledge, to have merely sat beside a Guru, and especially to be so sensitive as to have heightened anxiety.

As Susan studied, the mind has unbelievable capacities. And ordinary people can have events trigger extra-ordinary mind expanding experiences that seem to defy all explanations. But it’s not the finger – it’s the gun. YOU are the gun.

Group mind can be as subtle as expectations of a shared philosophy, or as extreme as lucid dreaming in the daytime, in groups. It can be pointed out in an exaggerated way by attending a hypnosis entertainer’s show.

The spiritual teacher adept has learned a few more hypnotic tricks. I’ve induced Kundalini in others many many times. I’ve had people feel my reiki type off the body touch as if it were strong physical pressure – many many times. I’ve done “the eye trick” where I deliberately invoke tunnel vision in a girl, as she looks me in the eye. Many many times.

People have asked me how to do “the eye trick”. It’s the wrong question. Most of what is done is subconscious. A big part of it is noticing when it would work. Your body just has this certainty that it would work right now, and you explain what you are going to do, and then the girl gets weak in the knees and you have to help keep her from falling down. You know how to rally the subconscious processes, and when, but you don’t know why or what you know, exactly. You have to create yourself into something so that the person can empathize – if that something is dramatic, she’ll have a dramatic experience. The eye trick is not so much technique as it is presence – it’s not what you do, it’s who you are. For me sometimes it felt as if I had a muscle in the back of my eye. Other times I felt as if I were looking into and connecting to her soul which was innately love, as we all are. While I did it I changed my own consciousness. So asking how do you do that is tough to answer, as it’s kind of the wrong question. How do you be that is closer to a meaningful question.

People can have experiences of depersonalization, peace, non-duality, awareness expansion and out of body experiences, induced by the hypnotist.

It happens all the time, because we have a brain, and brains do those things. No other worldly realms involved, no time travel or ESP. I mean, ya, the hypnotist needs personal familiarity with the experiences to pull off the micro expressions believably enough to pull the trigger in another person of sympathetic mirror-neurons resonance. You may have to actually feel Kundalini to invoke a sympathetic response in others. But the innate ability to feel Kundalini is the gun, not the finger pulling the trigger, and much trigger pulling happens with no knowledge on the side of guru – he can even be dead, staring out from a casket.

Using this conceptual map is important, because if we interpret the experiences literally, it’s the same as using emotions to decide on what is true. We can’t take our first impressions at face value. Yes, pictures on the wall can turn 3-dimensional and you can feel an intensely intimate connection of expanding awareness. No, it’s not because of a real teacher in the picture.

After making a comment that surprised myself, that mentioned that egolessness without emotion could actually already be somewhat understood by Western psychology with their understanding of depersonalization and derealization, I spent some hours on youtube listening to people talk about their first hand experience with depersonalization.

Shinzen Young says is an ordained monk and teacher who talks about his own ongoing egolessness enlightenment experience and says that in his opinion depersonalization and the enlightenment egolessness experience is exactly the same, with the only difference being that those with depersonalization also have high anxiety. Egolessness with anxiety, or depersonalization, has been well known to happen to meditators for hundreds (or thousands?) of years. In the meditative traditions you treat it by increasing the insight into emptiness of the fear. He claims near perfect success in treating those afflicted, yet says that he has never tried and is uncertain if such treatment would work for those who came upon depersonalization spontaneously or outside of a meditative path.

There was an edge of humor to hear the many speakers discuss their experiences of depersonalization, as many were familiar to me, although without such anxiety; especially as the effect of taking LSD. I remember eloquently explaining to my buddies and my brothers buddies how sometimes on acid it feels like “it isn’t me that’s talking”. Many got quite excited and were thrilled and relieved to have someone put into words so clearly their own personal experience.

Even more interesting was how one of the speakers broadened out his definition of depersonalization to include hyper awareness, plus he included several neurotic tendencies, all under the same umbrella. It was funny – he was somewhat describing me as a teenager.

Many years ago I read the website of a woman who once had seen the entire universe in an ever expanding self out of body experience. That’s a real thing, that is well known to happen to people, exactly as is your life flashing before your eyes – literally reliving all of your life in an instant.

That experience drove Susan Blackmore to devote her life to doing proper scientific research on everything related.

It’s a MUST read website. If you have not read it, you are not educated. Plain and simple. Without that knowledge, you do not have an accurate mental map of reality or the human condition.

I once had an online forum discussion with someone who had long personal experience with having a life flash before his eyes in an instant – except for him it was not his life. Always someone new. He considered his experiences definitive proof of past lives.

Susan would have other interpretations of his facts.

Put together group hypnosis, depersonalization, and the new undestandings of past life and out of body experiences, and that TOTALLY recontextualizes Buddhism!

Holy shit, what an incredible mind fuck Buddhism is! I remember meeting a guy who had preceeded me as the resident hard-core long term fanatic meditator at the Buddhist Monastery that was my center of residence for a few years. He casually laughed off his term as “some crazy searching for emptiness, instead of getting a job”. He was very cheerful and dismissive. I was still very serious about the crazy search, so his take was a new kind of fish slap to my face.

I’m not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and I’ve read and re-read all of Ken Wilbers work so I’m intimately familiar with his take on the pre-trans fallacy.

But even the most ardent non-social programming spiritual group out there; the Buddhists, are soaked through and through with social programming so thick they are walking underwater.

It must come across as narcissistic delusions to keep saying that I have magical powers to make girls fall in love with me.

Falling in love is a common mystical experience, that also has common similar triggers to spark off. A big part of it is simply recognizing the timing of receptivity. And then, just as with a stage hypnotist, you have to fully KNOW that it will work. You know that not by a chosen belief system – it’s all subconscious – it’s recognizing signals that you are familiar with, and then broadcasting signals that you are familiar with.

You can blow girls minds with eyes. On the first date, people can fall in love. I’ve had it happen so many times that I just take it for granted, and it’s not boasting or delusion, it’s simply narrative.

Hypnosis is a broad hand-wave that doesn’t mean much. But it’s a very useful hand wave, to put certain events into a category. A very useful category – much more useful than believing in the experiences themselves to give you the narrative!

Lest I come across as a monster, I must say that I fall in love while I do the eye trick – it’s personally dangerous to myself also. It is a spiritual experience, on both sides. It’s not a charlatans game. And I’m not “mis-using” spiritual powers for “ego” purposes. I’m just a guy, doing guy things, who paid enough attention to notice what he is doing. To the point that it’s repeatable.

I know it’s unbelievable to many, or most – especially to those who have never fallen in mutual love. “What the fuck?! I call Bullshit! You can’t so quickly and easily induce and maintain and grow genuine falling in love! All those girls who moved in on the first date were after money, glitch-glatch-glorch – even if they were not!”

People don’t take the arts of love near seriously enough.

They can’t. Because of social programming.

What I do is a thing – a real thing – a thing I could not POSSIBLY have learned through long term serial monogamy.

You can’t be a hypnotist and be in the borg, socially programmed, at the same time. If I felt compunction to be polite and not look at other sexy girls while with a woman I loved, I’d not be capable of the eye trick.

Please see https://xsplat.wordpress.com/2013/11/30/dilating-your-pupils-at-will-with-desmont-morris/ .

You can not deliberately dilate your pupils. But you CAN deliberately dilate your whole being, and channel love through your eyes, and your pupils dilate while that happens.

It takes a man’s full being – full potential – his true fullest authentic self to do the eye trick. It comes from all of him.

You can’t even have an “all-of-you” if you are inside the borg. You need your authentic self – which is an IDENTITY. Not a duty, not a performance, not a social grace. A flow moment of personal truth, full personal truth.

If you let someone guilt trip away your personal truth, you lose your hypnotic powers, and you lose your self.

This is a big, life changing deal for people, to fall in love as a virgin, to fall in love as a girl whose had hundreds of cocks – to want to die and live an afterlife with a man. It’s not a parlor trick.

And yet it can’t happen under their rules. It simply CAN’T.

***

It happened again today; I was out of the borg-bubble. Out of the water. I simply became visually aroused by an ass, and felt how open and inherently good that feeling was, throughout my body and mind. And since I had been playing house as a good boy for some months with V, I had the contrast of lugging around that constant background expectation of who I should be, with being ME properly. Properly being aroused, without constant vigilance against being aroused by anyone “forbidden”. In her frame no good boy could be feeling what I was, tautologically.

It’s a relief to get my head above water, and looking back feel a bit irritated for the whole societal programming that got me in water in the first place.

True love by definition is always a laser beam, according to the jealous. No one can actually have a big heart. And if a man’s feelings lack perfect focus, he’s mean and bad. Somehow.

“If a guy sees another girl, he’s hurting you horribly, and must a sociopath, incapable of empathy!”

Nope. He could be generously giving you all the time that you ask for, and treat you well every moment you are together. He didn’t hurt YOU, or do anything to you. He did something to someone ELSE. You were not even in the room. Chances are the only reason you got hurt is from your own lack of respect for his boundaries and privacy and through spying.

The belief systems of the monogamous minded are held with the tenacity of true believers who believe in literal interpretations of the Holy-Fairy-Tale. An emotional instinct given form through mass-hysteria. “We all saw the Angel and only Sociopaths Cheat! Our emotions are held by a group, therefore the narrative we give to the emotions is True!”

For true believers, even if clear evidence of the beliefs falsehood can be irrefutably presented, in a billion different ways, the True Believers will stubbornly remain firm in Faith.

Social programming water that the fish don’t know they are swimming in.

And I’m not insensitive to V’s plight. She is tormented and was as in love as a girl can be. Infidelities caused her great anguish, and breaking up with me, at age 26, after three years of dating and moving towards marriage and babies, wasn’t a trivial thing. Painful for me too to lose my mate.

And more than my own missing her, it causes me much pain to think of her in pain. Horrible.

But in her mind I could not possibly be feeling as I describe, because even though she initiated the breakup, I must be a sociopath. Classic BPD idealization and demonization. And so classically female. Hell hath no fury like a woman spurned – even if she only feels spurned.

I’m frustrated by the role imposed on me, but I consciously and carefully agreed to that imposition. I thought it was worth a try. In a way it was, as it bought me more time with V. Even after writing hundreds of blog posts on non-monogamy and years of experience with different relationship arrangements, I was still freshly surprised to learn how irritating and slow boil soul destroying it is to be expected to be a one-woman’s-feelings-first-good-boy.

In many ways she’d make a great wife, and I really did give that option a preliminary shot. It’s heartbreaking that it was simply not possible, because she is so socially programmed that that’s the ONLY way things could continue, and I can’t re-wire myself to match that script. It’s worse than that though; the lover archetype that she thinks is what you get in a marriage is not what you get in a monogamous marriage, for anyone.