Diary update #3

I’m also meditating and doing chi-kung in the sunshine every morning. I’d gotten in the crazy habit of frequently orgasming, as well as getting very fat and out of shape and drinking too much.

It was an incredible slide, and now it’s zero to hero time.

I feel so much better! Fasting is having a very positive effect on my chronic stomach inflamation. I wake up in the morning with no stomach pain. Amazing. Haven’t felt this good in ages.

Another benefit of fasting is simply knowing that I can. And knowing that I can easily, with very little inconvenience.

I don’t want to be that guy who is too soft to go in the swimming pool because it’s cold at first. I want to be that guy who can handle a little bit of inconvenience from time to time. I’m not so much into being tough that I take cold showers though; I do when there is no hot water heater, which is common in low rent places locals use, and I can go a year without a hot water heater, but if it’s there, personally I use it for the intended purpose. Fine – I’m soft that way. That’s where I’m at in that balance. Comfort is good, but avoiding discomfort when it’s required is kinda pussy, and I don’t want to be on that side of the pussy curve.

Meditating at first is a bit uncomfortable. So is fasting, chi-kung, not coming, working out, not drinking. After it becomes routine it not only gets easier, but pleasure is found in it. And the rewards are slow and cumulative. Baseline wellness after the mildly annoying habits are routine and have been practiced for several months is far above baseline happiness when eating and drinking at will, and letting the mind do anything it pleases all the time.

I can’t much even feel the chi-kung unless I do it daily for a good few weeks, and if I don’t deepen the chi-kung with alternating with shamata vipassana, for one or three hours a day, I rarely feel it VERY strongly.

It’s the same for the sitting quietly. It can take a few weeks before I really quiet down. I don’t push myself or struggle about it; I’m not in a huge hurry to have a quiet mind. I don’t really try to meditate; not much. But after a few weeks, I’m meditating. It makes quite a difference to the morning, and eventually bleeds into dreams. Everything gets more colorful and panoramic.

And the chi-kung makes it so that I don’t have to come if I don’t want to. So I haven’t in two weeks. And not coming of course makes me not only have more stamina, but in the long run, combined with chi-kung and shamata-vipassana meditation, also means the base level of contentment, joy, and love increases.

J and I always role play – every day. Very often she’s a random neighbor from next door who wants to fuck me, as long as my wife isn’t too close by. Very often before blow jobs, she’ll sniff my dick and declare that she smells pussy. “Pussy! Hmmm. It smells like 14 year old.” We’re both jealous people – potentially crazy jealous – but not too triggered by a little role play. She knows how to make a man out of me, and we don’t risk any bed death.

I had really really fucked up, listening to her “I love you so much, marry me, never leave me” over and over day after day. I got soft.

You can’t do that. It’s got to be seducing the girl from day one, every day.

I’ve got to actually be worth it. Not just because we’re already together and inertia. I’ve got to be worth it compared to the next guy, if she were choosing for the first time.


Room on the ground floor for the right people – maybe

I’m starting a new business that will produce enough money to go around.

I’ve had good and bad experiences with interns and potential partners who came to Indonesia to collaborate with me.  The worst experiences have me quite wary to bring people in again.  But the best experiences made it so that I’m not a misanthrope yet.  Good chemistry and timely opportunities can make for explosive life improvement win win situations.

My current plan is to build a prototype new product, and use the income from that to hire Indonesian staff.  I’ve learned from previous mistakes and will not try to run businesses that the local talent pool is not skilled at.  My new direction can be handled very well in this country, which has a high reputation in the field.  So local staff can be paid relatively low salaries and quickly expland the product range, and continuously update products.

So I don’t really need interns and Westerners like I did before, when I tried to get several high tech endeavors going.

We got REALLY really really close with those businesses, but tech savy staffing was simply too difficult in this country, making progress too slow and expensive.

But the new business will be in a basically bottomless marketplace, and we’ll have near bottomless new product options.

I exel at creative invention.  It’s my strongest point, mentally.  For whatever brain power I have, it’s tuned mostly towards creativity.  My memory is quite poor, and my math aptitude is merely above average.  I’m also bottomlessly and widely curious, so I know a little bit about a lot, and this wide range of inputs into the multi-parallel creative process means that I never have a lack of business options.

I took one and a half years off of work, despite hundreds of solid new business options, and completely neglected a few working businesses that would have only required (and still only require) a slight amount of effort to tweak into exponentially more profit.

But, as was mentioned in Pirsigs Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, sometimes people are going sideways, when it seems like there are merely not going forward.  Aimless drifting is not nescessarily without direction or purpose, even if the direction and purpose could only be pieced together in hindsight.

It took me 1.5 years just to realize I had to go into a new direction, and to discover it.

The very fundamental and most important part of any business is what you are doing.  You can make money doing so many things, and can be successful at nearly anything, if you do it well.  But one good idea is lightbulb-invention-priceless.

And in entrepreneurship, a main, rock bottom fundamental issue, is motivation.

You can live or die based on motivation.  You need a strong synergy between motivation and profit.  Personally, I have that sync up now.  I’m interested in the new business, and expect to remain so until I die – even if I die centuries from now.

It’s difficult to get to the point about what I’m offering, as I’m still tentative due to being burned in the past.  I dont really want to risk paying for someones business schooling for little return.  Interns traditionally had been expected to work at the company for several years, as compensation for the value received in training.  I don’t want to again put myself in serious jeapordy by exposing business ideas to competition.  Things can go pear shaped fast, and horribly, all on my dime.

But I could be open to someone who can fund himself to work with me, and get in on the ground floor for profit sharing.  Maybe I can give room and board, if required.

It would be required that the applicant(s) are a good fit for the business, and interpersonally, and that he is willing to relocate to Indonesia.  The location will be good, socially and environmentally and logistically, but it’s not really a nightlife town.

I’m not really expecting much from this post, and unlike in the past am not really trying to build up a crew.  I just figured I should at least throw the idea out there.  I’ll be very picky about any replies, and please do not email me out of curiosity.  I’m sure you already know if you are truly willing to relocate to Indonesia.  Don’t try to get me to sell you on the idea.  You already know.  So let’s not waste each others time.  IF that is not a barrier, we can talk.  But don’t pump me for info out of curiosity.

Any fat fuck* can look decent within two months, and be cool on an instrument within 5 years.

It’s slow going, but steady and noticeable. I really like this one day eat as I please on gym day (focusing on high protein and some veg),  and the next day water-fast body resculpting method.

It’s surprising how not difficult it is. A few times a day on fast days it’s slightly annoying. It’s the morning after a fast day and hand on heart I’m not feeling hunger right now. And that means about 24+8=32 hours since last eating, if I ate just before sleeping on gym day. I was productive right into the late evening last night, and had no problems sleeping. Again; not troubled by hunger.

I find drinking boulion helps on fast days; I guess the body needs the salt, and it’s strangely satiating; in a fasty kind of way. I hadn’t thought of it until day three of not eating at the initial shock-start to the fast, and wow did my body ever appreciate the salt!

There is a noticeable difference between how much fat I could grab, slouched over on the can yesterday morning, than how much I could grab today. The belly is within normalish range now, and it’s not going to take much longer at this rate until any hint of a protrusion is dialed to within exactly any spec of my choice.

Really easy, really efficient way to diet. I’m lovin the method, and the results.

For me I  had  results inside of decent range for both the belly and my muscles attainable within two weeks from starting shlub point.  Decent meaning nothing to be embarrassed about, and bordering on attractive.

I’d guess that pretty well most any fat fuck could get himself looking decent within two months.


I guess that means no excuses then.

It’s really not hard. No, really – I’m not just saying that. It’s totally doable. And what a difference it makes!

I feel SO much more sexy in bed now, and feel so much more deserving. It’s not easy to keep an attractive girl in her prime, especially at my age, height, and facial symmetry. I’ve no choice but to maximize my body, as well as anything else I can. And that, plus the everything else part, is making a huge difference to how the girl is treating me. She’s taken up a new hobby, and is very eager, focused, and attentive at praticing it. It’s getting in the way of my work, but I don’t want to get in the way of her hobby. She’s into giving head now. I guess we all need a hobby.

I’ve got a new hobby too. I’ve got a new 7 string hollow body jazz guitar, and have it hooked up via usb to the computer for software effects, and from there it goes to the stereo amp. It sounds great, and it’s really quite amazing to me just how much faster I’m learning to play music on it than I could since about 5 years ago when I last used to dick around on a guitar. It’s because of the piano playing. The fingers have a new intelligence now. It’s almost shocking. I had no idea that the musical ability in the fingers could transfer over like that.

I’ve got a tenor sax on the way.

So that will be piano, guitar, and tenor sax. Later I’ll add few more instruments, such as chromatic mouth harp, tenor flute, and a large bass cello. But the trio of guitar, piano, and sax is fucking awesome to get and keep a girls attention.

Again; really easy. All I did was dick around on the piano, at my own pace, with no lessons, no structured learning. Never played when I didn’t want to. Never pushed myself. Year after year after year, pure improv plus learning a few songs that caught my attention led to some actual musical ability. And that makes a huge difference in overall attractiveness, which is fucking important if I like blowjobs and sex. Which I do.

Best money I ever spent was the 4 grand on a Yamaha Clavinova electric piano. When it comes to musical instruments, get value for money, but get value. Get a good one. You’ll play more because you’ll sound way better. I bought two cheap ass guitars – one electric and one acoustic – before importing my 7 string jazz from China. The $100 guitars are kids toys compared to the $500 import. It’s a very different experience between playing them, and as you can imagine I’m much more inspired to play the good instrument.

And the $700 yamaha keyboard I had before springing for the Clavinova is also like a kids toy in comparison. I suppose the difference might be between fucking a fat fugly vs fucking a hottie? Both can seem good enough in the moment, but you’re going to want to fuck that hottie more often, and overall get a hell of a lot more pleasure from her. Especially for public performances.

A good instrument feels like an entity – like a living entity. You entwine with it, talk to it it, breath with it and discover with it. It’s a being. It makes a really big deal and difference to get a good being.

* Caveat; any fat fuck who is merely fat, and not obese.

Diary update #2

J25 had been acting progressivly more cranky for a few weeks, and was also getting a bit less responsive in bed. As was I, I admit. So I told her that I had noticed both things, and that we could not keep going on like that – totally unacceptable, and that it was largely my fault, because I’d let my belly go to pot.

Then I went to my other location and wouldn’t see her for several days. I think I made three full days on a water diet, but it might have been two full days and an evening meal on the third. Either way I’m still doing intermittent fasting – one day to eat and hit the gym, and the next day no food at all.

It was really embarrassing how far I’d let things slide. Even after over five 24 hour periods of no food, and one chicken with rice on three food days, I’ve still got a belly I’m not happy flashing around on the beach. And my arms and chest are at the lowest they’ve been in … what … 8 years? 10?

That’s what getting complacent will do to ya. Ruin your own body, and ruin your own relationship.

Man, so easy to slide.

Needless to say the fear of Dog was put into the little girl, and when I let her see me after some days she gave me her best possible fucking effort, and a very satisfying effort it was. She’s actually a bit extra clingy now – a little annoying really – but curling the paper in reverse for a while is better than letting it harden into a tube.

In other news, I think I’ve found a new direction in life and business. I kept trying and trying to motivate myself to fix old reliable and very workable businesses, but I just. could. not. get myself to do it.

Day after day I would promise myself, this will be the day I do the work. I know exactly what to do. It’s easy. I can even very easily tell others what to do.

But I’ve got these mental blocks that refuse to allow myself even to follow up on directing others work.

Over a year of that is a serious fucking issue. It must really mean it’s time to move on from that. My hearts not in it.

So I found what my heart is in, and will build a new business based on that.

I’m pretty stocked about it. I think I’ve thought it through well enough that this can be a life’s and a retirements passion – a wave to surf right to the end.


A few thoughts about dieting.  I have three ex girlfriends who have put on weight and can’t or won’t get it back off again.  Always nothing but talk, and aborted efforts at intermittent fad dieting.

Losing weight is really quite simple, and can be done very quickly.  A very simple diet plan.

Don’t eat.

That’s it.  That’s the whole book.  It’s the title of the book, and what’s in between the covers.  Don’t eat food.

When you know that you are not going to eat food, you don’t get hungry.  Just like when you choose to not masturbate for a month, and stay away from triggers that arouse you beyond your will-power, it’s quite easy.  Once you make that choice, your body knows, and doesn’t bother you about it.

It’s the exact same thing for mosquito bites.  No one ever believes me about that one, but for most species of mosquito it’s true.  The small asian ones that give a painful bite leave a pain that lasts minutes, but it doesn’t actually make you want to scratch it, once you simply KNOW that you are not going to.  When you KNOW you are not going to scratch, your brain leaves you the fuck alone about it, and doesn’t bother to get into a big argument with you.

It’s when you are unsure if you have the willpower or not that you get these big long drawn out inner arguments about if the hand is going to move or not.

Fasting is the same thing.  You don’t actually even feel hungry.  Two full days no food, I was not hungry.  No lie.  It’s only when I start to contemplate when I’ll end the fast, that the gastric juices activate in anticipation.

Also when fasting I don’t let J eat in front of me.  I don’t want anything to activate my salivary glands.  No triggers, no hunger.  Really, it’s that simple.  Not rocket science.  Want to lose weight?  Don’t eat food.

I don’t have perfect or even above average willpower.  I’m a god damned alcoholic who still hasn’t figured out how to handle a drink.  But I do know one simple trick – if you fall down, just get back up again.

It’s not rocket science.  We can all do it.

Body out of shape?  Ok, fine, so you fell down.  We all do.  Stop eating for a while.  Or eat only after 8pm every day until you like what you see in the mirror.

Just get back up again.

Drinking too much?  Oh, that again.  Ok, so you fucked up.  You might not be able to unfuck a fuck, but you can just stop the fuckery.  For a while, at least.

Even if your think that your willpower is shot, due to some addiction or another, you might discover that it’s not really – you just need to re-discover your ability to stand up again.  It’s a bit of a different circuit than day to day willpower.  It’s just a decision you make all at once.  Then the inner argument is over.  A cheat to make it easier is to make an inner bargain to not do something for x amount of time.  Once you SEE that you can actually do it, then the next time you KNOW that you can actually do it.  Then you KNOW that there won’t be any inner argument about it.  It’s called making a decision, and it’s a different mental circuit than not reaching for a smoke when you are in the mood, or not taking an extra doughnut.

Standing back up again isn’t all that hard.

And frankly once I had my 3 times a week gym discipline set up, it was easy too.  I don’t know how I let that slide.  I used to be really stringent about it.  That’s got to be a decision again – no back talk.

Diary update

Living with J25 is going well.  We laugh and joke around a lot, she’s getting sex addicted and coming more, we’re in mutual love and she tells me she loves me at least 20 times a day.  Maybe a hundred some days?

I think of V less, the more J25 comes, but when I do think of her it still aches.

It’s unusual in my life for a girl to stay broken up with me.  V was in love and very bonded, but made a decision it seems she will stick to.  That seems foreign and strange to me, but I can understand and respect it.  She’s got some new guy, for better or worse, and she has some strong ideas about relationship, and her future.

This blog is dangerous to my relationships.  Most girls find out about it eventually.  It likely contributed to losing V.

So it’s dangerous and tricky to talk about non-monogamy.

In a previous post I talked about settling down to be with just one girl instead of the usual habit of maintaining multiple long term relationships.  However in some dreams I still have fresh loving fun with a harem – often newly found.

So I’m wary of kissing and telling, for fear of destroying hearts and my life.  It’s a shame, as I do enjoy having an open diary on the internet.  Long time readers will be left in the dark as to the status of my social life, except for references to my new “Daughter” J25.

Improv as the foundation of game

After you get very proficient with seduction and maintaining strong passionate long term bonds with women, it becomes increasingly difficult to explain what it is that you are doing.  More and more you are just being yourself.

More and more the mental maps that other people offer to describe ways to optimize dating strategies seem more and more incorrect.

When you get good with women, you are getting authentic with women.  And then only after the fact we offer our own personal interpretations of our real life reference experiences.  It’s not keyboard jockeying.  It’s not trading around secret rules.

Our job as guys with experience is to get other guys to develop their own reference experiences, authentically.

Without substituting maps for experience.

I listen to a lot of WTF Marc Maron interviews of comedians, and one way that comedians learn their craft – I suppose the foundational way – is through improv on the spot, and being thrown into situations in which they must perform.

Comedians say it takes about 10 years, on the stage, to learn the craft of being funny.

Now of course you can and should study other comedians. But you can’t copy any comedian – that would not work. That can’t and doesn’t work.

Each guy HAS to develop and find his own authentic style, through feedback. It can and does and should take a LONG time. If it doesn’t, then you are stuck in the process of learning – there is more and deeper to go.

One thing I think a lot of guys miss is that feedback can happen within LTRs and MLTRs – not just on the street, or during the initial seduction stage.

LTRs actually should always stretch a man’s ability to the limit – if not, he could either be dating a hotter girl, or more girls.

Theory helps, and I do my best to think about and theorize and create and read mental frameworks that can sort the raw data in ways that organize without conflicting or excluding data.

But improv is important not just because it teaches us the muscle memory, deeply, in our being.  It’s important because it IS a way of being.

I chose to learn the piano by pure improv, for two years.

It was purely a personal preference choice, and not one I would recommend to others.

I’m of the pure improv school, means that I realize that there are other schools.

I’ve also mentioned often that I do recognize that I’ve subconsciously incorporated skill-sets into my improv.

My flow moment, to me, is my primary motivation. I spent two years being a crappy piano player, because I prefer flow moments to being able to play the piano.

It’s personal. It’s what matters, to me.  I believe that improv can become a character trait, as well as a skill – a way to be more present and authentic in the now, as a leader.


Daysofgame.com said:

Deserve” is one of the most fucked up words in human psych. There is no such thing as “deserve.” Replace “deserve” with “desire” and you are closer to the truth in BlueVs statement.

That’s an interesting perspective, because in a way you are removing mental frameworks, and therefore being more present.

A great deal of Buddhism has that at the core. We must have philosophy, and mental maps, of course, yet a strange paradox is that the more refined maps look simpler and simpler – like edited prose.

I like how you side-stepped the entire argument. Whether we deserve to date women so much younger and more attractive than ourselves is the wrong question – not even worthy of giving a yes or no to.

Nothing to do with the now moment – if you can simplify enough.

Simplifying is actually hard, long work.

On the other hand, while deserve is the wrong question, the sexual marketplace is an exchange of value. Some girls might be “tricked” into thinking that a hollow shell of a man who is a good character actor narcissist is “worth” fucking, but girls don’t stick around with narcissists. That’s part of the very definition of being a narcissist, on the books; people don’t hang around, because people aren’t stupid, and they see through you, and see no there there.

I personally feel very deserving of true love, and very deserving of giving true love.  And have a very inflated idea of the level of beauty that I rate, if you would base my male value on looks alone.  But you could edit that and simplify it and say that I personally receive and give love, genuinely, and that hot young girls have been into me and still are.

The attitude of not deserving is a serious character flaw, and will certainly lead to problems with long term relationships, and most likely even to a sour grapes attitude that “I didn’t really want a long term relationship with that hottie anyway”.

So sometimes we need to reverse the curl of the paper, in order to get it flat. Go from the mental map of being undeserving, to being deserving, and then finally to simply going after what you want to the best of your ability – and stretching way past what others could conceive of as possible.

Guessing why girls so often fall in love fast

Daysofgame.com asked

do you have any notes about what you do to go from “physical stranger” to “spiritual sex?

I don’t do anything.

I’ve never done any state control, of any kind. It has never crossed my mind. All I did was fix my hair and makeup, and drive over. Not a single canned line. I’ve never in my life done any routine.

I’ve never paid any attention to anything about stages of seduction, when to spike attraction, when to give comfort, how to show value, how to give the illusion of scarcity etc. I’ve seen people talk about it, but it has never resonated with me. That all seems so video-gamey. A guy could easily get out of the moment, over-thinking things, trying too hard, I think. Then where is the connection? The whole reason you are there? Lost to agenda.

I wasn’t trying to accomplish or do anything, exactly. I don’t do A in order to get B result – not at all.

I’ve never intentionally made a girl fall in love with me. I’m simply very loving and loveable. Really – it’s true. I know a lot of guys can’t even visualize what that might be like, as cynicism runs so deep in our world. I truly love women – genuinely love them. And I truly am strongly capable of giving and receiving genuine love.

And of course part of being able to love is loving your own shadow side. I’m mostly an open book, and I mostly love myself, and I mostly am able to make friendly arrangements with even the dark ugly corners of the human condition. I don’t love ideals, and am not ideal – I try to make honest, real, close, loving relationships, based on reality.

Oh, and more than just being loving, I’m kinda funny, in a bitter-sweet dark chocolate kind of way. Very sexual humor. I never tell canned jokes, or deliberately try to be funny, but it’s just a habit to wring the most pleasure out of the absurdity of life, by pointing to it and laughing. I usually keep a straight face while being off-handedly witty, as if I did not just crack wise, and the humor flows seamlessly. My gf said that I have the ability to make people happy. She said that she instantly trusted me and knew that I was a good man, with a good heart.

I’d say that a major core of my seduction skill came from my father, who is a strongly monogamous family man. He’s a very loving man – the kind of guy who children instantly fall in love with and want to sit on his lap and play with him. He’s also a natural authority, and always instantly seen and respected as such. He’s never been embarrassed to be loving, and just considers it natural. My grandmother was perhaps the root of his personality core; I visited at age twelve and in two weeks absorbed her into my being. The most loving person I’ve ever met – you could go a whole lifetime without realizing it was possible for someone like her to exist. Other mentors must seep in. My best friend and mentor during my very formative years at the monastery and meditation centers, was always described by everyone as having a highly seductive personality. Very charming. And also a natural authority.

But I’m just guessing. Introspection is difficult and so is understanding what it is that works and why. I can do, but can I teach?

An example of my sense of humor would be when I was feeling vulnerable and roughly pushed her away from me, my hand shoving the center of her chest, and screamed “I don’t want to love you!”

You can see that I’ve internalized a few principles of game here, within the joke. Instead of being puppy eyed sappy and vulnerable, I turn it around and make fun of myself and use the situation as a push, and make a common – we are together in this deal because I’m recognizing how these things work, out loud , I’m sure you are feeling this too – joke out of it. I point at the absurdity of the situation, and that brings us together, and is a push pull all at once.

That was totally spur of the moment. I’ve been living with girls and dating girls for a long time, and have spent a lot of time reading and writing about it. So there is a lot of stuff that is internalized and incorporated on the spot without conscious thought or effort.

I haven’t really paid a lot of attention to it, but I think I make similar types of jokes all the time. A few girlfriends kept telling me that I was funny, and laughed a lot. If we both don’t speak the same language, I still manage to get laughs, using pantomine. Laughter was a big part of my sales technique for the many years that I was a travelling salesman.

I was talking with J yesterday about how we incorporate different accents and speech mannerisms from others. It’s unconscious, but I’m always incorporating mannerisms from my girlfriends. S16, who is now S19 shows up in my speech patterns a lot – she had some very fun little quirky speech patterns that add some extra joy to how to pronounce certain words or respond to certain situations. Very joyful and playful. It’s interesting, because on the whole her personality was rather crap – but at her best she was a joy, and some of her best is very noticeable in how I speak.

I think we are sponges, and what we sponge depends quite a bit on our attitude. I’ve sponged some core characteristics of being loving, and then worked extremely diligently to capitalize on them with Buddhist meditation practices to increase loving kindness, year after year. Little speech mannerisms here and there get soaked up. V was very kind and easy going and we had a great companionate relationship, and I learned a lot from her and sucked her up, these last three years.

Meditation and chi-kung teachers teach not only mindfullness techniques, but are great resources for vibe. You can suck up and internalize the vibes of your most respected mentors, and that makes you a more attractive person.

And most likely the strongest, number one reason that girls fall hard for me is the sex. Chi-kung sex is an absolute must, and everything that I am revolves around it.

Everything that I am revolves around it. Chi-kung sex can be a core of a being.

It’s about communion, power, expression, naked awareness. Love as spiritual awakening to the glory of inter-subjective wonder. Seeing god in the eyes of your lover, time stretching, seeming to share the same sensations as if unbounded by bodies, while discovering a fresh strong inhabiting of a body that seems to be energy that expands out well past the skin, into her, into the air, all with so much control and finesse – making operas and symphonies and beats out of sexual energy in various places of my and her body.

Sex is a lot about vibe. Our intonations in the voice carry quite a lot of the emotional transfer – at least as much – more even – than how we move our bodies. You have to feel a lot in order to make a woman feel a lot.

Oh, I guess that’s hitting the nail on the head.

You have to feel a lot in order to make a woman feel a lot.

Firstly being a safe space where emotions can happen (love) secondly being able to arouse and feel and share strong emotions (chi-kung sex, or simply looking in her eyes).

Both of those are not techniques that you can learn, in the same way you can memorize a script, or learn stages of seduction. Those are not things to do, those are things to be. That’s about developing your self, year after year, to be able to open to your own emotions, and love yourself, and share all that you are with others, while taking delight in what they share, and making workable deals with all the shit that comes from inside and outside.

Which is why sometimes I talk about grief, and not trying too hard to avoid it entirely. Why I make fun of people who warn against “catching feelings” or use the term “one-itis”, as if they are on the inside track to true wisdom by becoming anhedonic drones.

Catching feelings is the whole fucking point of being with a woman! That’s why you showed up for the date in the first place!

Update: Another example of the little twists that I keep injecting into most every turn of the conversation, to make them more playful and fun:

She looks up at me, ready to go out, and in an insecure tone of voice and face asks:

“Don’t I look beautiful?”

I examine her face inquisitively, not letting any final judgment show up on my face yet, then pinch both of her cheeks at once firmly, and declare with a look of satisfaction:

“There! Now you are beautiful!”

A careful reader will notice the heavy use of hypnosis and NLP. Or perhaps they will read it from the viewpoint of owning the frame, or dominance. Lots of game aspects you could interpret into that little joke.

Can’t you just imagine doing that to your middle aged female child, and then the youngest would come running up shouting “Daddy, make me beautiful too!”

Then she says that even though she’ll be out, she’s installed CCTV cams everywhere, even in my body. “Hey! I never agreed to that! Did you install a CCTV cam in my body while I was sleeping?” “Yes, in your dick”. “Oh, and you have it hooked up to an app on your phone, and can see it anytime!” I then do a routine describing a day in the life of the dick cam, and close out the joke with looking at her askance and with exaggerated scepticism, shaking my index finger back and forth between pointing at her eyes and mine and I accuse, “Are you trying to fool me? I don’t think that you did really put a camera in my dick, did you!” That closes out the joke and we both break out laughing.

I paid attention today and I’m constantly making these little fun twists in the conversation, injecting a lively spirit. And it’s heavily laden with game theory, if you later examine it. But it all comes out on the spot, improvised in a flash.

Update: I like to go on youtube binges soaking up everything I can about and from people I admire.  The last was David Spade.  He is very off the cuff witty in interviews, and can when he wants be very humble and charming.  At other times he can be impatient and not suffer fools gladly.  But always extremely fast and sharp.  The Marc Maron WTF podcasts are a good resource to discover new people to investigate.

It’s easy to notice that some ugly comedians have a history of doing very well with women.  I’m sure the fame can play a big role, but it’s more than that.  I’ve always found as a salesman that once I made someone laugh they were mine; they were sold on me and almost wanted to buy something from me just in appreciation of making them laugh.  To celebrate and cement the camaraderie.


Don Knots was considered to be a charming ladies man, and did well with women and had beautiful wives.

My girlfriend (who in my head I call my wife) hosted a small party last night, and dragged me down to join the group her and three friends.  We shared some drinks and soon were laughing with near every sentence, and one guy kept saying that I was funny.  A bit difficult to do with the language barrier, but jokes can be kept simple, such as my girl saying “I’m need to go pee”, and I look at her tenderly and point to my mouth and say “pee in my mouth”.  Simple jokes, if delivered in succession, can have the group laughing and laughing.  Groups can get into a state where there are ripe to laugh.

I was impressed by how she handled herself being falling down drunk, and the quality of her friends.  She kept calling me her husband, which always makes my dick hard.  And the dick never lies.  She seems so very proud of me, and we are already so coupled, it’s quite touching, and you could see that her friends respected our mate choices.

It’s interesting that I’ve never written about the role of humor in seduction or maintaining a relationship before.  I’ve never even noticed that I’m constantly making little jokes.  Points to the benefit of blogging and talking to others, I guess.  I can’t believe that I missed something so important.  Explaining what we do really is quite different than doing what we do.

What xplat looks like, and how his game is fundamentally different than what red pill and pua says is possible

K said:

Roughly how old are you? 50’s? 60’s?
And would you be able to provide a photo of someone who looks similar to you? Like a celebrity that people have said they remind you of or something?
I’d be very interested to get a sense of exactly what you mean when you say you’re old and ugly, and very interested to get a sense of how long it would take before I too might be aged out of the sexual marketplace

Early fifties.

Colin Mochrie, from Whose Line is it Anyway

Brian Johnson from AC/DC

Steve Buscemi

I’ve already had a face-lift and surgery to remove bags under my eyes. I plan to do fat transfer from my belly to my face. I use make-up and a wig. On good days the wig looks real. I workout and am wiry strong, but never get big. I’m short at about 5’7″

I could always get new girlfriends, but the question is hot and young girlfriends. The cultural landscape has been changing in SEA, and girls are less and less interested in older men – at least the hottest girls with the most options are.

If you look at these photos, and then read how my most recent date, as usual, turned into an instant full blown love affair from day one
you’ll get some glimpse into how MOST of red pill knowledge is cartoonishly over simplified and more accurately called wrong than right.

This latest turn of events is so common for me, that I’ve been repeating how it happens over and over, throughout the years, and then it just keeps happening and happening. In fact just a few days before meeting this girl I described how dates usually turn into love at first sight dates. I have some posts about love at first site game, and how to do it.

I’m the ONLY person who writes about this, and apparently even the only one who knows that it’s possible.

Look at my pics again, read my post, and re-evaluate what is the real dating market and how it really works, and what “game” really can be.

Most people have absolutely no clue and are no where even in the right ball park of a clue.

I also have posted pics of some of my girlfriends on my blog, and visitors who have come out and met some of them have described them as from very attractive to fucking hot. My newest girlfriend is a slim yet curvy, just turned 25  21, 7 point something on the attractiveness scale* , who has a rare inner beauty that moves her out of the pretty category and into the beautiful category. Every part of her, individually, is beautiful, even her little shapely feet. It’s day 7, and she can’t stop saying I love you or asking to fuck again.

* – No one would call her a six. Maybe a few men might say 8. When she’s smiling she can be an 8. I don’t give 8s out easily – a crowded beach might have one on it within strolling distance, and often doesn’t. Eights get love at first sight reactions from men, and there is extremely strong competition for them, from the rare men who even dare to consider an 8 as possibly within his league.

Why xsplat might settle down. Marry even.

In answer to axiom verge: You are asking if I explain away doing selfish actions of breaking hearts with justifications, making the actions moral in my mind through justifications.

Yes, I do.

This subject is confusing. And very painful.

I feel really horrible for what happened with V. The woman loved me and did absolutely everything possible to be the best girlfriend for me, with the aim of being my wife and having a family with me.

I feel terrible that I wasn’t able to do it with her.

I want to know why.

So I try to examine my own motives, and ambitions, and desires, put them together with how I understand hers, and try to come up with a grand theory of mind that includes both of our strategies.

It quickly becomes obvious that we have competing strategies.

So I can’t just take sides, with hers. With the “feminine imperative”, or the female centric monogamous strategy. I have instincts and drives also that are just as foundational to my well being, even if they aren’t as culturally acceptable.

I know that I can’t sit at the round table of polite society, among other couples, as a guy with a woman in love with him who continues to seek out new girls. The playboys and playgirls can sit at that table. But I can’t, because I don’t fit into any of the accepted roles.

A guy is supposed to either settle down, or date around and never let anyone fall in love too much. My strategy is to fall in love, in parallel with more than one girl.

That doesn’t fit in, and I know it causes pain, and confusion.

I can’t justify it, but I can’t not justify it either – I mean – it is what it is – the cards that I’ve been dealt. I didn’t create the human condition. I didn’t create the fact that I can feel stifled and bored and trapped. I don’t have an off switch in my head for these instinctual hard wired evolved emotional urges to breed with the hottest women that I can attract.

These are VERY strong urges for me. My whole life, every fiber in my being, every act that I do in my life, is ALL geared towards mating with hot girls.

I’m evolved, born and bred, cultivated, in one and only one direction. So how can I stop being me?

Evolution is not about justification. It’s not about polite society.

I really wish that I was wired as a family man. Some guys are, and I truly believe that is another evolved hard wired instinctual personality type strategy.

Some guys are evolved to prefer monogomy, and this has been measured as low socio-sexual score in the psychological community. Others, like me, have an extremely high socio-sexual score, and enjoy, crave, and one might even say psychologically NEED sex with less long term commitment in our lives, with occasionally new partners.

It’s not an excuse, or justification. If we don’t follow our wiring, we can’t just suck it up. There are consequences. We become less able to be kind to our partners, act worse towards them, and things go downhill. So we try our best to work with what reality gave us. This real world, and our real urges and desires in it.

Here is a horrible, horrible example. One that’s happened to me more than once, but I’ll use this example specifically:

I once dated a 19 year old virgin. I found her face to be very attractive, and we quickly fell in love and she quickly gave me her virginity. We became bonded, and she was very much in love with me.

I was in Thailand at the time, and the culture there is much more promiscuous, and it was quite common for some guys and girls to have various forms of side lovers, one form of which is called “gik”, which means no strings attached lover. The gik is not expected to be faithful, and not expected to ask too many questions about your other lovers. Affairs also happen, which of course is more emotionally involved and complicated.

I mention the context because even though she was a virgin, she was not naive; she grew up in a millieu of some sexual refinement. You can’t be too naive in Thailand.

So while I was dating her, I had another main girlfriend, and was also actively dating and meeting new girls from time to time.

The nineteen year old, P19, loved me the most. My other girl S23, had other boyfriends and was a bit of a playgirl, but we had also formed some bonds, and had very frequent sex. S23 is the one who once looked up at me with pupply dog eyes and said “Dad, why I love you Dad? You no rich, you no handsome. Why I love you Dad?” It was a serious heartfelt question and she wanted a serious reply.

Here is the point of the story; at night I would often leave the side of P19, to go to the “internet cafe” and work, but instead of working go see S23. With P19 I could only have brief sex before I got tired or soft. With S23 I could go all night. And yet I loved P19 much more.

It was very confusing, and if you use morals to understand the world you’d go fucking crazy. There was nothing moral about it. It was biological. S23 was the hotter girl, and more my type. Smaller, for one thing. I like small girls.

Since then I’ve thought about that situation many times.

And I’m reminded of it with what happened with V.

V was more my type, physically, than P19, but a similar thing happened even when I first met her. At the same time I as I was initially dating V23, I had another lover, S17. S is extremely small. Imagine the smallest sexually mature girl you know, and that’s S. V would visit me, and have sex until I felt too tired for more. Then at midnight she’d have to go home, and S would come over, and we’d fuck all night. I NEVER got tired with S. I got tired with V after about an hour.

Same thing.

Eventually V and I grew into a stronger sexual chemistry. Which was a bit of new information to add; ok, so sexual chemistry can also grow.

But it was growing from a different base.

Most of the time that I dated V, I had other lovers, at least one. But eventually I gave them up, in order that she wouldn’t break up with me again, because I was very in love and attached to her, as my mate.

But I found it very difficult to do – too difficult.

And now my introspection can’t exactly tell me why.

Was it because fundamentally I need a plurality of girls?

Or was it because she wasn’t hot enough and my style enough to begin with?

That’s a horrible, horrible question to pose to oneself. So amoral! V and I loved each other dearly and were best friends, and had absolutely everything in place to be life long companions. Except that I really, really, REALLY wanted other lovers and not just her.

Morality has and had nothing to do with my desires; they were there regardless of what morality says should or should not happen.

Did V “deserve” a man who would not have these feelings? I don’t think deserve enters into it either. She fell for me, just as girls are famous for doing; falling in love with the bad boy who “cheats” instead of the good boy who never would. That’s so common it’s a trope.

But what if she were hotter?

Well, I’ve dated hotter girls, very hot girls, and lived with them.

Usually for the first year I’m mostly satisfied with monogamy, with little urge to look around. Not out of moral duty, but simply fascination with the one girl. She holds all my interest.

Now my situation is a bit different than my past. I’m quite old, and you could say almost aged out of the marketplace, for the hot girls I’m so used to dating. My options are dwindling fast. It’s VERY difficult for me to replace a hot girl with another hot girl now.

And I have a new hot girlfriend, who wants to live with me as my mate.

I don’t feel the need any more to date other girls, like I always did with V. That’s so horrible and painful to admit. I really really wish that were not true. It’s terrible that it’s true. V was everything a girl should be. How could I possibly want more?

But I do; I want a hot girl who is small. And my new girlfriend is that. Exactly my type. Great sexual chemistry. Fucking perfect fit. She’s way hotter than I “deserve” if one only considers bodies. I’m not that attractive, and I’m old, and she is noticeably well above average in attractiveness, and young.

I’m not likely to do better to pair bond with, without getting someone very mentally damaged or impaired.

And every year that goes by makes it less likely.

Opportunity affects desire. Before I was always able to make sexual opportunities, because I’m quite experienced and skilled in both seduction and keeping girls around.

But that can’t last forever, without major improvements in cosmetic surgery.

So I really hope that I can be closer to what most people consider moral. Not just because I’m tired of breaking hearts all the time. But because I want to be happy for myself.

I don’t sleep around because I feel it’s the moral and right thing to do. It’s a very deep hard wired compulsion – one that if you don’t have you’d never be able to empathize with. My entire being is driven to fuck hot girls. It’s not a side job.

So now I have a hot girl that I’m fucking. For now I’m going to do just that, and hope for the best.

Update: I’ve been updating the post related to meeting J, and getting over V, daily.


Here is an extract from today that is relevant to this post.

I realize that keeping this girl for the long haul is a different task than falling in love and having our honeymoon phase. It’s a common thought that younger girls will cheat on their much older husbands. As long as I remain interested, I think that I’m up to the challenge. I like to be constantly challenged with constant seduction; long term seduction is something I’m good at and have put a lot of thought and effort into.

There has been a great deal of emotional wreckage surrounding my life. V once told me that girls spirits can ruined. One girl turned to prostitution after having a serious nervous breakdown when she finally realized that she wanted me to stop seeing my second girlfriend, who at the time was M. Another seems to have sworn off men entirely, after in our relationship I wouldn’t stop seeing other girls, and didn’t want her to keep the baby. Another woman left her husband for me, and wound up single. She was 41 years old to my 30. I had counseled her to stop fucking me or she would fall deeply and uncontrollably in mutual love, but she would not listen. M had years of torment about not keeping me faithful and not marrying her, and is still not married. I could go on.

V is a strong woman who I have a great deal of respect for as a person. Her female agenda for strict monogamy is annoying, but also includes wisdom, and I think she can do well in her future. It took a lot of strength and courage to leave me, and she’s been working hard to put her life in good order. I really respect her, and like her, and always did.

So many broken hearts in my life. And mine has been broken so often. I keep telling myself that collateral damage is inevitable, and everybody – absolutely everybody who dates – causes and receives heartbreak. It’s built into the system, and we didn’t create the system.

But I’m looking forward to not being the “cause” of that in the immediate foreseeable future.

Why even the best pump and dump artist is considered relatively low sexual market value

My comments over at Rivsdiary, where Riv questions why Krauserpua didn’t correct the interviewer for saying that women who hold out for sex sometimes do it because they view the man as being of higher value – Riv posits this is wrong, and that the holding out is only for “providers” who all by definition are of lower value.

Riv, are you operating under the mental map that alpha strategy and provider strategy are distinct? Always Either/Or? Never AND?

There has never been, nor could there ever be, an alpha provider who pair bonds? And there has never been and could never be a woman who seeks out such a man, and makes him wait as her strategy?

Daysofgame said:

We should escalate… we should lead… we should be a sexual threat… but I think for “most sex,” we’ll fuck more if we go 2+ dates… and then sex… and then drop her into rotation.

I’m not sure that there is any rule of thumb about number of dates and the likelyhood of a girl sticking around.

I think it has more to do with vibe, and sexual connection. The type of vibe and sexual connection – does it include love and comfort – no matter how rough or S and M style it is.

It’s hard to really know what it is that works when things work, but I think girls can bond fast – on the first date, and during first date sex. And of course more sex gets better each time, and more bonding.

But the idea of alpha non-bonding R selected sex – even having that mental map at all in your head, could likely be sending a vibe that could scare girls away.

Vibe over technique.

I’m going to assume Riv that you viewed my question as rhetorical, but it still would be useful to clarify to get a reply.

I asked Rollo this years ago, and he replied that it was only possible in theory, but pretty well never in practice.

I consider it psychologically impossibility for the long married Rollo to both consider being an Alpha Provider an impossibility, and to consider himself to be one.  In other words, he doesn’t consider himself alpha in his relationship, and blames it on his provider status, and proclaims that therefore no other provider could be alpha either.

I talk from first hand experience a lot, and that doesn’t always go over very well, so I’m not really sure whose reference experiences I’m supposed to use in that case.

But from my experience, I can be a really lousy lover sometimes who hardly gets into sex, and can’t provoke much feeling out of my lover, and then on a different day or later the same day, after some chi-kung, or maybe smoking a little pot, or simply paying more attention, I can feel a great deal more energy and emotion and power in my own body, and arouse a hell of a lot more out of my lover.

So I know from my own body that there are gigantic differences in what sex can feel like. And what sex can be aroused out of me by sympatico lovers, and what my part in that dance is.

I honestly think that you have it completely reversed as to who the high level men are.

Your version of Alpha bad boy is the low level man; the man who can’t arouse the full sexual potential, and therefore fully love-enslave and get the full Alpha treatment out of a woman.

It’s only the romantic bad boy, the romantic libertine, who can get the best out of a woman.

The pure love em and leave em bad boy won’t be able to even begin to get the beginnings of half way decent sex out of MOST girls, who actually need to be at least somewhat in love first, before fully opening up their best sex.

Or look at it another way. The women who can’t pair bond, do you view them as superior, because they are so hot that they simply don’t have to?

No, you view them as fundamentally broken.

Dark triad traits are traits of people who are fucked up. Not normal. Broken people.

Those are not the highest level men, by any stretch.

People who can’t pair bond are fucked up and broken – not the highest level, and they won’t ever get 1/1000th of the treatment that a woman will give to a man who has ALL of the attractive traits going on, which absolutely include love and pair bonding.

It’s such incredible bullshit to keep repeating over and over and over that women give up their assholes for the R selected pump and dump thug, but only give tepid sex to boyfriends.

So so so incredibly WRONG.

When are people going to learn?!!

How many more years will it take?

In other words, much of the theory that is red pill was created by men who started out as sexual underdogs, and then took a video-game approach to getting sex – which will NEVER arouse the best sex out a woman.

Sex isn’t about technique.

It’s all vibe. And personal power – or mojo – or chi-kung.

The idea that “provider-betas” get shitty sex was created by betas that get shitty sex.

It wasn’t created by men who have their shit together and have extra-ordinarily devoted love slaves who they in turn love and care for. The guys in great relationships never bothered to get into the conversation.

Or when they did, they were shouted down by the know-it-all know nothings, who wave in their fists at blasphemers their copy of the Rollo certified sexual marketplace map, and have spent years debating the finer points of the map, and know all the rules of it, inside and out. And who have never had a good relationship, and so blame it on women for viewing providers as betas.

The map, the diorama, is more wrong than right, and so I think it is much better to simply flat out call it


Regarding always using the strategy of opening with the bad boy and letting her tame you, again, I don’t think we find any one size fits all answers.

Sometimes the girl will quickly be very, very, very into the guy, and the sex can quickly become the best of her life, by orders of magnitude.

That makes her feel incredibly vulnerable – panicky even. It can really throw her off balance – she’ll not only obsess over the guy, but will get paranoid thoughts about if he’ll leave her, and for girls that means jealous fits.

So the rule of thumb to not appear clingy and supplicating is correct, but at a kindergarden level, the same way 2 plus 2 will always be 4, even in high school.

It’s very simple, but there is much more to math then that.

A better rule of thumb is “say I love you about 1/3 as much as she does”, and then take that attitude and stretch it out.

But she will need reassurances, the more she’s into you. And if the seduction is going well, that could be very quickly.

So again, taking the idea of that bad boys are the higher value guys to emulate is completely ass backwards.

Girls will literally go to jail for their men. Sacrifice everything. You can own a woman’s heart, mind, body, and soul.

But what will a pump and dump guy own?

Actions speak louder than red pill memes. The actions of girls to betas who have no skill in bed or in life or in domination are nothing to base a philosophy of love on.

Provider =/ Beta.
Alpha =/ pump and dump expert

So, when are we going to stop saying and thinking provider-beta?
When are we going to stop saying and thinking that the one night stands go to the high value men?

I had a model handsome intern out here, who was a dating coach, and considered himself very well versed and practiced in game.

Girls would approach HIM at the bar.

But he couldn’t get a girlfriend if he wanted one. He was always singing the refrain “these ho’s ain’t loyal”. Because no matter his game and looks, he could never inspire loyalty out of a girl.

And I never saw him with a single girl who was as attractive as he was.

What about shooting way out of your league and getting fidelity and devotion in all actions, and 100 times better sex? Would not the man who did that be, by the woman’s own actions, MUCH higher value?

Bad boy R selected game is pretty well a waste of time, when compared to getting the most out of women. It’s fast food – a few times a month. Instead of top level feasts 5 times a day. Guys who rely on pump and dump for sex barely get laid at all, and they have shitty sex, relative to chi-kung sex with a woman in devoted full blown love.

Forced, against my will, to replace my primary, and the usual fast bonding.

Wow, the sleeping dragon awakes! That was fast, and didn’t take much.

“Wow, you fuck me so good. I’ve never felt like that before.”, she said, touching her hand to her lower belly, with a slightly puzzled and inquisitive look, mixed with delight, wonder, and appreciation on her face.

I know, I know, maybe she says that to all the guys, right? Well, in our first session she was surprised that I was not “finishing”, and kinda wanted me to hurry up. Her last boyfriend would just pump away for 10 minutes and done.

I didn’t know her yet, and so the first time we met yesterday fucked her like a more experienced girl who was used to G-spot sex. My error.

The next day I gave her more attentive treatment, with a modest amount of foreplay, and clit and nipple attention throughout most of the fucking. And a few hours of listening to her and stroking and bonding with her before hand. That was all it took to light some fire. Then in the middle of the night she initiated the second round, being a squirmy wormy, grinding on me. Based on previous performances I mis-judged her stamina, and came before she was ready – a gigantic Daddy Loves You explosion that took every last drop of moisture out of my mojo, and she still kept grinding and grinding greedily on my still hard and rammed as deep as possible but unmoving dick.

She nearly begged for more, but I was fucking spent.

It seems that if there is going to be a stamina problem in this relationship, it might more likely be on my end rather than hers. We’ll see. I always enjoy a good sexual contest.

And I’m quickly falling in love with her, and her me. That was mate-bonding love sex. The kind where the girl starts to cry a bit – you know, that bitter sweet intense pleasure that is so soulful that it makes you cry. Slightly similar to crying during touching parts within a movie. Too bad we don’t have more refined words for the different types of crying.

Oh, and my kundalini seems to be waking up. It’s been years since that was on fire. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Maybe it’s just a one night thing. Or maybe my body is really, really into this girl.

Which for the first time ever makes me feel like it’s sex that would be detrimental to the bonds with V. Of course it’s a silly obsession to still think of her – she broke up with me and blocked contact. But V was hugely in love with me, and it still feels terrible to replace that pair bond. It was never my intention to have sex with others replace our primary bond. A nuance that she is not capable of understanding or caring about. But one that is kind of a big deal to me.

Which again reminds me of a way V is incompatible – her stubborn BPD insistance that in matters of her jealousy feelings, my feelings and intentions don’t exist or count; “I could not possibly really love her, if I also get close to other girls” is her exact stated thought. It’s still quite sad to me, and I still see her face sharply in my mind, very often.

Anyway, looks like this new girl and me will pair bond.  That thought includes sadness of moving on from the last pair bond.

Update:  Attentive long time readers may notice the hidden theme of this post.  The Easter Egg.

It is BECAUSE I’m the kind of guy who does grieve so long and hard for V that this new girl fucked me on the first date, wanted to move in on the first date, and had pair bonding tearful best in her life sex on her second date.

Well, that and that I’m quite experienced.

Once again, Alpha Fucks and Beta Bucks is so cartoonishly simplistic as to be more wrong than right.

Update: She outlasted me again this morning.  Later we snuggled in my recliner just hanging, and she recounted how useless her sexual past was.  I’ve heard this story so many times.  There are girls out there who’ve had plenty of sex who are still basically virgins.  She had been confused why all her friends said that sex was so great, when for her it was nothing.  Finally she meets a guy who knows how to fuck, and it’s a totally new dimension of reality opens up for her.  It’s not so much that I’m so great in bed, technically lately I can be rather lazy, but that most guys (and girls, frankly) can’t fuck.  It’s really a tragedy.  Can’t we teach sex ed properly in high school?

I also think that sex is quite a lot to do with very subtle emotional feedback.  We can tell when our lover gets aroused, and when we play that arousal in simpatico, and sustain it, you can create sexual music – each time different.

I have a VERY hard time getting dates.  Pretty well my whole life it’s been like this.  Almost impossible even just to get one date, with a girl I believe is a match that I deserve.  Two months of online dating just to finally get one date, even though I was willing to fly anywhere in the whole country. But once I’m alone in a room with someone, the date usually goes very well.  And after that we bond.  Girls quickly feel as if they’ve met their soul mate, or as if we’ve known each other for a long time, and been together as lovers already for a long time.  That’s just routine for me; first date, have better sex than she’s used to, bond, then I own her, and we take care of each other and become entwined in each others lives.

You can’t really capture character in a photo, and character can make beautiful faces ugly, and ugly faces beautiful. In person an unphotegenic man, or even woman, can be much more appealing. Or less.

So a lot about attraction is emotional.  Emotional openness.  Energetic fluency.  Emotional fluency.  I have a strong congruence of character of being loving and able to receive love.  It’s not a game or a magic seduction trick, it really is “just be yourself” game, only the self that I have been very careful to cultivate is a musical instrument that I know how to play.

Chi-kung, meditation, long history of many loving deep long term relationships.  My history is an open book in my character, and I’ve been as careful as I can be to keep that character positive, open, loving, sensual, and fun.  And who wouldn’t want that?  So first dates usually go quite well.

Update: Holy shit.  That was amazing.  No wonder my kundalini turned itself on, in anticipation of this chick.  On day three we had near kundalini level sex!  Holy fuck.  And I pressed and I believe her confirmation, this is all totally new to her.  Incredible how much was just lurking below the surface.

My experience is that MOST girls need to be at least a bit in love before they can open and start to give their best sex.  So for me, fast seduction and fast love go hand in hand, and I have absolutely zero interest in one night stands or prostitutes.  Good sex is simply completely different than mutual masturbation – an entirely different category – you can’t even call both things sex.

Update Jan 25: Wow. This is going better than I had even hoped. I had forgotten what it was even like to have kundalini sex, and that used to be my life, for decades. Unfortunately, I’m falling in love. I hate that! And I told her that I hate it. I told her to fall in love first, and that I’d just wait, and lover her only a little bit, until she’s crazy in love. Because I hate being in love! It’s fucking scary. I told her to hurry up and get pregnant so that she won’t run away. I told her that I don’t want her to know that I’m falling in love, because it’s a secret. I pushed her away physically and screamed “I don’t want to love you!” God damn it. It’s too vulnerable.

But I think she’s fucking georgous. From so many views. God, from behind, her vagina is like an extra add on thing – not just a space between her legs. A mound. Fucking georgeous pussy. And the waist to hip is out of this world, which is amazing because she has very small hips. So super slim waist.

I could go on and on.

And as often has been the case, it’s a shocking contrast in the mirror when we are side by side. She’s way the fuck out of my league. But also, she’s a definite type, that not all guys would be into. Skinny small. I’m thankful not all guys would see her the way I do. I think she’s fucking hot and amazing and gorgeous. I like just staring at her face. Or her lips. Or pretty well any part of her.

And we often make each other break out in belly laughs. I’ll laugh to tears with her, which is rare for me.

It’s kind of an amazing connection, pretty fast. Especially sexually; I told her that sexually it’s a good match for us both, because I’m waking her up and catching her on her upward curve, and she’s waking me up and catching me on my downward curve. I used to be a fucking sexual superstar; probably one of the top on the planet, honestly, in terms of number of hours of sex per day and extreme chi-kung kundalini energetic feeling and power. Now I’m less than 1/10th of what I used to be, but it’s still not bad, and a fair match for a girl on her way up, just starting. She’s doing great.

She has a pretty face, and that can be a bit intimidating, but she also is vulnerable and afraid, just like I am. And also fiery – hot fiery, passionate, humorous, penetrating eyes. I’ve seen her angry too. So she’s very attractive, but also vulnerable and attached, just like I am. I guess we might get married. At the least we are already a couple, and going more in that direction.

Looking at her pretty face and hot body reminded me of how many very beautiful girls I’ve dated over my life. M is a real hottie. I think N is too. I don’t even know the numbers, but there are well over 10 super stand out girls, out of about 80 that I’ve been involved with, and most of the rest I found quite attractive. And I still love some of the girls. All so different, beautiful in very different ways. Uniquely beautiful. The sex styles and connections unique to each. Our various ways we connect all unique. Some of whom I only had flings with, some who I bonded very deeply with.

She’s on the bed trying to get my attention now. I’m being called to do my manly duties.

Update: Stamina is definitely not a problem with this girl. Nor is the level of sexual intensity that she can rise to. This girl can take a LOT of voltage.

During one peak, as I was choking her, I said “say I love you!”
She answered with a stutter “I love..it.” Then 1/10th of a second later “I love, you” “I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!”

The electricity and joy that shot through me was too much, for me, at this point in our relationship. I could only handle maybe 10 seconds of it.

“This is a good time to stop”

What joyful nourishment. That woman is making a man out of me. Finally! I’m literally a new man now.

Hot girlfriend who loves me and is properly owned. Who I have powerful kundalini S&M loving bonding sex with, where we thrill and trill to new places each time, and become more bonded each time. Fuck ya. Every where I go I’m a new person – not a single guy, but a guy who has a (hot) woman making a man out of him.

I told her that now I have a reason to put more attention into getting healthy. She can handle everything I give. Strong woman. In fact, she keeps staring at me, so happy and loving, and teasing for more.

I plan to move her into a less expensive apartment, but in the mean time will move her in with me. Starting tomorrow.

We’ve both been carrying around with us a constant bitter sweet sorrow. I’m noticing that we both are becoming more at ease with shared pure joy.

.. Ok, and just now we shared tears of joy. She thanked God she met me, and with a huge smile, let out the water works. Lots of staring each other in the face, with big smiles. Makes me shy to be looked at like that, but damn.

This is day 4.

Ya, I probably am going to marry this one. I’m quite good at getting and seducing new girls. The long and routine history is of getting girls WAY out of my league. But I’m 52. I think the timing is right. She’s got what I’ve been looking for.

Which is a bit weird, when you consider that no long ago, after a ketamine trip seemed to show me the depth of my true being, I declared that I was not a family man, and could not marry, to my then mate.

I was totally honest then.

And I’m honest now.

I’m just a different person with the different girl. Which in it’s own way is a fucking horror show, because I really really loved and still do love V. Deeply. I’d keep them both as wives and give them both babies if I could.

But I can’t. So I’ll keep the one.

… I just told her that we will probably get married. She was surprised – “shocked”, she said, but agreed. Then asked if we’d have a baby. I said maybe.

This is the 2nd time this has happened to me in this phase of my life – falling for someone hot and quickly wanting to marry them and even talk of kids. Divine madness. Probably at some time later I’ll feel constrained and panicked again, I suppose. One day at a time then. If things don’t work out, then so be it. Fuck it. You only live once. These seem like the right waters to dive head first into.

Update Jan 26: Of course I’d wait a few years before marriage, if at all. Just found out that she has a history and family history of not doing well handling jealousy. And I know my history. So apparently I’m playing with fire with this one. I’m still way into her, but a betting man would bet on trouble down the line, as I don’t expect either of us to fundamentally change our natures.

I still think of V, but not on waking up.

The Kundalini sex is changing how I hold my body. It’s slowly coming back to me, fucking with a total lack of any urge to come, and instead just getting higher and higher. I love fucking this chick, and am turning on her sex drive enough to handle the frequency and duration, and to be able to quick start and use insertion as foreplay. Starting to be able to look her in they eyes during sex. She says that she would burst out laughing at the faces that I make, but can’t because she’s too high at the time, and besides her eyes are usually rolled up in her head, as are mine. Of course it’s always difficult to maintain eye contact when your eyes keep rolling up into the back of your head.

I’m of the opinion that it’s impossible for man or woman to have great sex without falling in love and bonding. That doesn’t equal monogamy, necessarily. But it usually does equal some very strong jealousies – uncontrollable emotions.

Which I routinely discount, in women. I have my agendas, and so ignore the incredible pain and inability to stop feeling what they feel, when jealous. I know what it’s like, I just don’t want to know it, or think about it, and so hand wave it away.

I fall in love on purpose, and get girls to fall in love on purpose, and then go right ahead, knowing full well the consequences, to make them insanely jealous.

And if I do that with this one, she has a good chance of being dangerous.

V too had a good chance of being dangerous; I kinda got out in the best possible way; her saying she was leaving because I would not have a baby. If it went down another way, she very well may have turned on me.

I have no urge for other girls right now (which is heartbreaking for N, who misses me and wants my time). I’m way infatuated with this one. I think she’s the most beautiful when her face is all flush and fuck-exhausted. Absolutely gorgeous. I’m less anxious that she’ll leave me and feel less urge to knock her up to lock her down, as she’s full blown in love now, and we are already hooked on each other, and coupled. It’s going to be a fuck fest for the foreseeable future, and I’m more than happy to give her my all; she captivates me. She also wakes up at night to fuck me, the little bitch. Third world problems.

She left at 10 am, after another round of sex, and will be out all day. I just woke up at 1 pm, and am horny, but can’t jerk off, as I’m back to the lifestyle mode of not coming, and recently my habits were to jerk off and come when too horny. I remember this lifestyle now, it’s all coming back. It wasn’t so long ago that M and I used to fuck at least 5 times a day. And then after that I had the 3 or 4 girls keeping me very busy. And of course all the years in the Phillipines, and Thailand, which I never talk about anymore – that was non-stop sexual arousal. And a girl I’ve never talked about on this blog – R – a girl I had for a few years starting at age 29 – we would also fuck as much as humanly possible – leaving only time to eat, sleep, and shit. Screaming at the top of my lungs kundalini sex with her, for years. Lots of public sex too.

I’m so very tired and sick all of the time now, because of my stomach, but the old ways are coming back, and even though I’m so tired, my body says that I need to fuck my lover now. I’m really into her; can’t get enough of her.

With M I never once had boring sex, and was always so in love with her, when fucking – year after year, 5 times a day, always great. If I was mining for gold in her pussy, I always found it, and never got tired of finding it.

So now this girl and I are finding our mutual addiction.

I wonder what the neighbors think of the sounds coming out of my apartment now? She sings pretty loud, and I’m starting to scream at the top of my lungs, into the pillow, more commonly instead of just in brief bursts.

They are used to some screaming. Girls are wired to want to make loud noises when they consider themselves to be fucked by the high level alpha monkey in the troup; “Listen to me! I’VE got HIM! I have high status, because I’ve got him and he’s mine!” So V wasn’t shy or quiet here, and neither now is J – but I think I’m starting to get louder, and there is more screaming in general. Ya, and J is getting noisier than I’ve had here.

.. N has been asking why I’ve been avoiding her, and I told her that I’ve been busy with a new girlfriend. She’s heartbroken, and doesn’t want to see my face now. I told her that I’m here for her in any way that she needs.

M viewed N as a home wrecker, and hates her with a fury. V also views N as the reason that we broke up, I’m sure. I can’t keep my hands off of N, even though very often we are so very incompatible. Great chemistry with her, and I love her body, and sometimes we still really love each other. Year after year. Even at the risk of losing other girls. Quite a mess sometimes. God what a body on N. I never get enough of it, ever. Never old. Hard to imagine not seeing her. We often still have very fresh romance. I’m really into her too – year after year. I like being bonded year after year, even as other loves come and go, and she has her flings and love affairs also. I like that stability. Chaotic stability.

I’m sure N feels the same way, and would see me again. An addiction like that to each other runs deep. I suggested that she get a new boyfriend as I’ll be pretty busy with my new girl. She knows how to have an open relationship, secretly.

Update Jan 28: Last night she tearfully sobbed and sobbed, during a very long extended sexual peak “I love you! Don’t ever leave me! I love you! Don’t ever leave me! I love you!” over and over and over for timeless many long minutes. It was literally the most beautiful event I’ve ever witnessed. Later I laughed and laughed wondering what the big family of neighbors were thinking; we can almost hear each other talk through the thin walls.

She could not get enough sex yesterday. I did my best to keep up, even taking an hour off for chi-kung to re-charge, and taking stints on the bottom, but eventually her outside pussy skin wore out, despite careful generous use of lube. I also laughed quite a bit about that – something similar to her kundalini is waking up, and the girl is now sexually supercharged.

I told her that she is a beautiful person. It’s not just her face, it’s her spirit. I really like her, and can do my best chi-kung and good piano improvising around her; we are great for each others spirit. I’m very happy. I told her “I’m happy with you”, and I have not said that since Kiki, and Kiki was the only other person in my life that I’ve ever said that to. Kiki used to tell me 20 times a day that she loved me, and I very often told her that I’m happy with her. It was the happiest year of my life, with her, before she died. I’m not happy alone, but I can be very happy with the right person, and such a connection has been very rare in my life, despite usually being in love, or at least lust. So we are both feeling lucky and grateful, and content. Happy to tears.

She remarked yesterday that she has more energy, and that her face looks more beautiful. It does. We’ve both been carrying a heavy load, and are replacing it with something we forgot was possible.

She’s really shining, and has that special rare look of a woman in love. I can’t think of anything more beautiful.

Sometimes a song related to loss will run through my head and remind me of the painful aching wound in my heart for the still fresh loss of V, and if in bed playing with J that will make my dick soft. Emotions can be symphonic fugues – it’s possible to feel love and loss at the same time. Bitter sweet.

N is feeling very heartbroken lately, because I’m serious with the new girl. We aren’t being sexual anymore. She was never able to stay faithful with me either, even during times when I didn’t have other girls, or were living together, and a few times abandoned me for others and would not see me, so I owe her no fidelity favors or even the honor of never leaving her if I get a new girl; which was often my rule in my non-monogamous life. I bear her no grudges or ill will for her sexual choices. She’s asked me to marry her countless times, and I know has born a torch for me through all our ups and downs. We were mostly good to each other, sexually. I wanted to always keep her in my life, sexually. But that could really fuck things up, and I’m not only tired of the drama and heartache all around, I want to maximize my chances with this girl.

I realize that keeping this girl for the long haul is a different task than falling in love and having our honeymoon phase. It’s a common thought that younger girls will cheat on their much older husbands. As long as I remain interested, I think that I’m up to the challenge. I like to be constantly challenged with constant seduction; long term seduction is something I’m good at and have put a lot of thought and effort into.

There has been a great deal of emotional wreckage surrounding my life. V once told me that girls spirits can ruined. One girl turned to prostitution after having a serious nervous breakdown when she finally realized that she wanted me to stop seeing my second girlfriend, who at the time was M. Another seems to have sworn off men entirely, after in our relationship I wouldn’t stop seeing other girls, and didn’t want her to keep the baby. Another woman left her husband for me, and wound up single. She was 41 years old to my 30. I had counseled her to stop fucking me or she would fall deeply and uncontrollably in mutual love, but she would not listen. M had years of torment about not keeping me faithful and not marrying her, and is still not married. I could go on. V is a strong woman who I have a great deal of respect for as a person. Her female agenda for strict monogamy is annoying, but also includes wisdom, and I think she can do well in her future. It took a lot of strength and courage to leave me, and she’s been working hard to put her life in good order. I really respect her, and like her, and always did.

So many broken hearts in my life. And mine has been broken so often. I keep telling myself that collateral damage is inevitable, and everybody – absolutely everybody who dates – causes and receives heartbreak. It’s built into the system, and we didn’t create the system.

But I’m looking forward to not being the “cause” of that in the immediate foreseeable future.

Update Jan 30:

My girlfriend (who in my head I call my wife) hosted a small party last night, and dragged me down to join the group her and three friends.  We shared some drinks and soon were laughing with near every sentence, and one guy kept saying that I was funny.  A bit difficult to do with the language barrier, but jokes can be kept simple, such as my girl saying “I’m need to go pee”, and I look at her tenderly and point to my mouth and say “pee in my mouth”.  Simple jokes, if delivered in quick succession, can have the group laughing and laughing.

I was impressed by how she handled herself being falling down drunk, and the quality of her friends.  She kept calling me her husband, which always makes my dick hard.  And the dick never lies.  She seems so very proud of me, and we are already so coupled, it’s quite touching, and you could see that her friends respected our mate choices.

Last night we were out grocery shopping, and after coming home I relayed to her my experience there.  I’d carefully examined the hottest girl I could find there, wondering what it was about her that made her seem so attractive to me.  “Ok, her ass in that skirt.  My girl has the same shape and size ass.  That’s cool.  Well, she’s a little too tall for my tastes, let’s see the face.  My girl has a cuter face.  I win the contest again!”  My girl really liked this story, even if checking out other girls made her a little squirmy.  I have a long habit of whenever I go out with a hot girlfriend to check around to see if she is the hottest in the restaurant, and if so declare to her loudly “I win the contest!”  Not she wins by being the hottest.  I win, by having the hottest girlfriend.

She was screeming at the top of her lungs during sex last night, in the same tonalities that I use when I’m feeling kundalini rise.  And she’s constantly sexually aroused now, wanting to fuck.  That means to me that her kundalini type energy has awoken.  When that happened to me as a young man I was horny all the time for decades.  It’s pretty difficult to keep up with her now, in fact I’ll admit it that it’s pretty well impossible.  Hard to get my work done too.  But fuck, I love hearing her scream.  Very romantic screaming too.  I need to record it, it’s something to be proud of.

Update February 14: She told me of a dream two nights ago, in which I was hugging her and she felt that she’d met her soul mate and was very happy.  Something like that.  I had one of those mixed up metaphorical dreams this morning.  She was in the dream, in a weird way – my computer bios was happy, and it was because of her.  The metaphor being that her effect was at a core and persistent level.

We fucked on a balcony a few nights ago.  We also sometimes joke about topics of jealousy.  Big contrast to V; V can be experimental in bed, but is too prudent to want to do public sex.  And topics of jealousy are no laughing matter to her.  Lots of belly laughs with this one.  We spend all of our time together, and very easily and happily.  It’s great.  I haven’t felt much urge to see other girls, but there are still options that have a long history of keeping me interested.  But I’m pretty happy with this girl; I suppose it should be interesting that people can get close very fast, but that’s common to a lot of peoples experience.

Today she called me her best friend.  That was touching.  We are really just very happy.  Really good fit.  I also of course like being adored, and she isn’t shy to gush and give puppy dog eyes and say “I love you” a lot.  Sometimes if a girl is just a bit uglier than I think I rate, that could actually bother me.  But this one is at a level of attratciveness I’m quite comfortable with.  I do want to own her, and love it that she loves me – makes it easier to actually be in love, which can kind of hurt.  Maybe it’s the terror part of being in love that can be physically painful, even when all is going well.  So the mutual being in love, with her giving all indications of at least matching my feelings, makes it less terrifying.

Arrogant women get furious for getting exactly what they demand

Jealous girls, and guys, can have their entire brain circuitry hijacked, to the degree that they can only hold ONE thought, ONE emotion. EVERYTHING else becomes eclipsed.

I’ve heard guys say that the most important attribute for a woman is that she is a virgin before marriage, and never cheats. They’d accept pretty well any other attribute, as long as they get fidelity.

And for girls it gets crazier.

I have had girls who put up gigantic walls and barriers to their virginity, that ONLY an experienced seducer could surpass. They screen out anyone except for a romantic bad boy.

There is no virgin who is a good lover. It takes years to become a good lover. So I’ve trained up some virgins, who eventually came into their own, and discovered a sexuality that few other men on earth would have been able to give her.

And then, when jealous, they get incredibly arrogant and incredibly emotionally labile and incredibly puffed up and full of themselves, and declare;

“How DARE you look at other girls on the beach?!!”

“How DARE you still be interested in spending time with other girls, discreetly, when I’m not around?”

To be fair, a few girls did take pains to thank me, over and over, for awakening their sexuality. They understood what an incredible gift I gave them. Seriously, without me, they would have gone their whole life without properly developing their sexuality.

And yet because of instincts and FEELINGS, girls want a flying supertanker.

A beta bad boy.

ONLY a romantic bad boy in love can make a girl squirt and squirt and squirt and bring her to emotional tears during sex. A good boy can’t, never will, never did.

And you can’t put a bad boys balls in a purse. Otherwise he was never a bad boy, and never would have made you squirt. It’s simply impossible to tame a bad boy; he’ll grow so resentful at the attempt that he’ll start to get cranky and ignore you, and you’ll become bewildered at what changed. You did; you changed him. You wouldn’t let him be a man, and so he stopped acting like a man TOWARDS YOU!

Arrogant women. Will destroy a man’s life, for being a man. Because FEELINGS. “Oh, I’m jealous, therefore you are WRONG and BAD! I’m too good for the exact type of man I screened for! Now I only want the kind of man I kept rejecting, year after year, before I finally opened up my full sexual potential with the romantic bad boy.”

“And any feeling that the man has doesn’t exist and doesn’t count, because I have feelings, and I’m jealous, and that is paramount and erases absolutely everything else, and he can go to hell.”

There is a reason that romantic bad boy types say that 80% of girls who leave them eventually come back.

Because sexual chemistry is fucking important.

And you can’t get it with guys who will be polite with their eyes at the beach. You can’t get it with guys who are not an infidelity risk. You just can’t. Sexual chemistry with good boys DOES NOT EXIST.

No good boy ever opened up a womans sexual potential.

God, what I had to do to seduce the virgin M when she was 21. I swear no other man on the planet would have been able to do it. I literally had to wrestle her – it looked quite like rape. What good boy would be capable of it? And what good boy would have turned her from a lousy lay to an absolutely incredible orgasm machine? None. When she would keep coming back to me she’d say “Oh, you always make me come”, and occasionally admit that such a thing was rare with other guys, unless on a tongue. It took a full two years to open up her sexuality. And it was most fully open when she was doing pussy wars against N17; the jealousy brought out her absolute best. And now today without me she’s all closed down again.

And what good boy could have brought so much out of the virgin V?

No good boy.

She went from zero to hero. And that also took more than two years. No good boy would have ever awoken her. Ever. She’d have lived her entire life without knowing her potential.

The exact thing that women want is the exact thing they get furious for getting.

It’s not difficult to pair bond and have children and a life with an experienced man. It’s really quite simple and easy, and women do it all the time.

All you have to do is swallow your fucking pride and stop looking at his phone. Simple. Then you’ll be relatively happy. As happy as you can be. THAT is as good as it gets.  If you want passion and spark and romance in your relationship.

You can’t be passion happy with a beta good boy. You can’t. You’ll be secure, yes, but not mate-happy.

Update: I was still angry when I wrote this post.  I’m not so angry now, and feel more remorseful at what could not be than cranky.

There is a reverse to getting over someone?!

At first part of me was relieved that she was breaking up with me. Something was wrong – I felt too much pressure.

Then the pain kicked in, then anger, then the slow steady burn of heartbreak. I’ve been expecting it to steadily diminish. It did, at first.

Then I caught wind that she was thinking of me, and somehow I caught hope that we had a chance.

She used to visit near every day, and would be so excited to show up at the door.

Jeesus, the first thought in the morning when I wake up is her. And the last thought before going to sleep. And a constant feeling in my heart that keeps working it’s way into words in my head. It’s two months already, and she’s had her heart rest period and is going out on dates. I’m nowhere near anything like her; I don’t need to be not into anyone else to be heavily invested in her as my mate. And I don’t get over people fast. If at all. I don’t really even understand what ex girlfriend means, frankly – other than girls who won’t fuck me anymore or die. We were mates, something she can’t comprehend if I also have eyes and any time whatsoever for anyone else.

She aimed her ass at me, and asked me to make her pregnant.

She said the reason she was breaking up with me was because she wanted a family. She even gave me a chance – wording it such that she wasn’t breaking up with me, but that she wanted a baby and family – leaving me the option to jump in and take that roll.

I wouldn’t mind the baby, and I’d be happy to have her as a mate for life, but she wants the baby under the condition of me not only appearing to be monogamous, but actually always being monogamous. I think that’s an absurd overly stringent condition. I can’t do it. I know I can’t. I don’t have that to offer, and I can’t offer something pretend – she’d find out or see through it and it wouldn’t work.

I kept my dignity during the breakup, but it was very uncomfortable, and I kept waiting for her emotions to die down so we could properly connect again, and maybe work out how to be in each others lives while she went ahead and sought what she wanted in her life. They never did, and we never did.

Very sensitive girl, with at least as much relationship OCD as I have.

I can’t change her. I can’t make her accepting of all of me.

And I can’t seem to get over her.

In my mind and heart she’s still my mate. Like already my wife, but not here currently.

She doesn’t see it that way. She ghosted me, because she thinks it’s the only way to be able to focus on someone new who can give her the life she is looking for. And because after she broke up the very same night I was in the bed of another girl, and she assumed it was an ongoing thing prior to the breakup.

Damn it.

I once had a girlfriend I was very dissatisfied with, as she was older than me, and so physically not my type. That was one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life; I missed her for two full years, and during those two years I was having extremely frequent fantastic sex.

Most guys who write on manosphere type blogs are not talking about long term relationships, and almost never about ones where the partners bond. We basically lived together, I took her viginity, we had three years, and were very comfortable and happy together. She was home.

There is no home now.

Nobody else makes me at home.

Other girls were just other girls. Not home.


This might take a while. God I hope not another two years.

Update: I’ve been taking baclofen to treat acid reflux for 5 days now, and it’s been helping, but unfortunately I’m going to have to stop as it makes me moody and sad. A known side effect. I think it would be unhelpful to my mood regardless of circumstances. It’s a muscle relaxant, and makes my mood lax too.

Update: A lot of what I offer is what I am; a person who loves to connect. I can’t be that guy with that to offer unless I grieve – it’s the only reset that can get me back to the place where I’m emotionally open and sensitive and have what I have to offer.

Otherwise I’ll be emotionally shallow. And that’s not my thing; not my hook; not my game. Not me, not my life.

There are positives and negatives to being emotional, but it’s definitely a baby, not bathwater. A major reason I was into V was how attached and emotional she was. It was also a major reason I resented her and wanted to pull away.

The baby can be fine tuned, but keep the baby.

In this vein I find that the diorama that has been created that is called red pill thought is now quite often more harmful than helpful. People craft a mental map, and compare their experiences and the experiences of others against the map, and if there are differences, proclaim that the experiences are wrong.

Instead of updating their map.

So they create a world, instead of describe one, and wind up actually inhabiting a diorama, instead of sharing real life in a real, complex, ever changing world.

Being quick to label everything as either alpha or beta, R or K, is using mental labels in such a way as to be more wrong than right. The world really isn’t like that. It’s very kindergarten level understanding. Very cartoonish.

Love isn’t a weakness, and neither is grief, nor is pair bonding beta, nor is it alpha to be an unmoving unemotional rock.

The artist is neither alpha, beta, or sigma. He is bravely present and creative, and out of that comes his undying panache. No excuses, no apologies.

I don’t believe in forever, but occasionally I take some nostalgic pleasure in the best times shared with all my girls:

and a few of the songs that V kept humming the weeks leading up to the breakup:

And one she had running through her head about a month later, that led to me regaining hope, and thereby increasing my heartbreak:

Three weeks later she now declares she’s in a new relationship, as I learned last night. I thought the lack of hope would help me move on, but if so, moving on is full body moody.

And we’ll end in a more upbeat, but still dusky tone:

Update: Yesterday’s theme was connecting with my emotions, listening to music, playing piano. A long walk on the beach, and the usual few hours spent hunting for new dates I’d be really into. This morning I woke up out of a dream in which I was talking to V about being together. On waking out of that reality hit me like a flood of rotting sardines. I hate waking up to that feeling of things being horribly wrong and depressing and anxiety causing. That’s unhealthy. Today I’m playing a tighter game with my mind; lots of body centered meditation, focusing not on any thoughts, but relaxing the places in chakras where there are emotional knots. Much less narrative today.

There is a meditative technique called tight and loose. That’s where you alternate between extremes of a very lax almost no controlling awareness discipline, to tightly labeling thoughts and constantly going back to following the breath, viewing thoughts as interuptions. So yesterday was loose day, and today is tight day.

And I’ve made some progress in lining up dates with girls who could really work for me, on the physical level at least.

This process is a bit of a surprise, as it was nearly entirely initiated by my own ambivalence. I could very easily have kept V. She gave me ample opportunity, after opportunity to claim her in a way that worked for her; monogamous marriage, after an extended passionate courtship in which she gave her all and best possible self to me and for me. And put up with loads of heartache giving me new chances. And I had even been thinking of moving on myself. I’ve had worse grief in my life, but I didn’t expect this much with her for so long. Not sure what lesson to take from that, other than perhaps try my best to find a girl I’d be less ambivalent towards and more able to offer what she wants longer term.

I suppose the other lesson is how much the companionate portion of relationships is a hook for me. It’s her friendship that and our comraderie that was a huge part of our coupling. The sex and her body was a big part of it, but this relationship was rare in how much of the value was friendship based. That was really nice to have, and I’m glad I got to experience that, with her. I’m rather nostalgic for it, but unfortunately, the brain is wired to erase all good memories and highlight the negative ones after a breakup, so for her she seems to have done that.

I deliberately re-wired my system to not follow that easy way out natural instinct. It’s been scientfically carefully studied how the memories get re-edited; I read it in an old psychology today magazine back when I was going through a divorce, nearly 30 years ago.

Sometimes, when infatuated enough, I actually do want to marry a girl and knock her up. V was half my age, fit and tight and shapely, good sexual match, and so I think by most peoples standards I was getting a good bargain overall with her. But somehow she didn’t put me over the edge with uncontrollable lust to want to immediately lock her down with a baby to secure her. Instead she had to slowly work her charms on me, and year after year get under my skin. Which she did, admirably and to great success.

In order to get the bargain of what I have grown accustomed to feeling deserving of, an attractive girl in her early twenties, I might have to offer what could be quite a stretch for me. We’ll see.

For self esteem reasons I think most guys would prefer to view themselves as better than the exe’s new beau. He’ll be better than me in a lot of ways, sharing more of her culture, and not being so ill; my illness always kept me from going out on the adventures that she wanted. I’m pretty sure she will be screening for a guy dedicated to marriage and babies, upfront, and my guess is such a guy won’t be as agressive in bed as she very strongly prefers. Plus the average penis size of Koreans is not even 4 inches long. And mine is noticeably above average in length. All girls I’ve ever asked, when going from a great sex to a great security relatonship could not be induced to complain; they seem to somehow forget that they ever had those needs. Except for one girl who would tell me at every opportunity that she missed the size of my cock. She said her new guy was a way better lover for her, but it was my dick itself she missed. For V, my guess is, she’ll take a big hit in the area of life that’s been my biggest concern. Cruel and petty of me to wish her anything but utmost happiness, I know, but I suspect it’s a 99% common pettiness.

I’ve got an average sized penis. For a Congolese.

Famous true story joke “Why is a young hottie like you with that ugly old man?” “Because he’s rich and has a big dick.”

A small voice can have a wide influence. I see my voice around.

I’m listening to some JJ Cale on Youtube, after reading in comments of a Clapton tune that he was the author. He’s not popularly known, but is seen of as a musicians-musician. Popular and influential to musicians, who often cover his stuff.

YOHAMI says:

“chi-kung” I was just going to recommend that.

That’s good to hear. I’m hearing more guys start to talk about meditation and chi-kung.

I read long ago that there are hubs of influence, and that inputs into that hub make the 6 degrees of separation connections.

So although I’ve had my own blog for going on 10 years, most of my influence, I think, will have come from posting on other blogs, or from writers reading my blog, chewing on my ideas and fitting them into their own.

Meditation is widespread in the culture, and a natural fit to self improvement, however it’s great to see people fit that seamlessly into their notions of game, and if I’ve had any influence to add more momentum to that ball, that would be cool.

I used to never hear about people not coming during sex. Now that seems to be a thing.

Chi-kung was extremely fringe back when I was in the states. Like a favorite album in a record collection though, it somehow started to catch on in my community, after people caught wind of it, seemingly from hearing it first from me. And again it was the bigger influencers that were the hubs – I just happened to influence the influencers.

This is a reason why I sometimes take pains to correct harmful views of major influencers, and have done so with Roissy, Rollo, and Roosh. I know for sure that my efforts have seen good fruits. Although I do seem to remain rather invisible.

Do you remember how you came to learn about Chi-kung?


I was unclear – I’ve written extensively about harmful views, in many blog posts and comments, however it’s never been the influencer who changed his opinion, but the readers of the influencers.

The sphere, on the whole, has been correcting itself. In places it gets mighty fucked up, but as it grows, it’s been self-correcting.

That’s very important to me, personally, and some people can’t seem to understand why. As if caring about your brothers is an impossibility. Or worse yet a social faux-pas imposition.

Original comment that Yohami replied to:

Nash said:

Xsplat said: My method to keep girls attached is frequent sex, which usually means meeting two and sometimes more girls per day

Per day??? Or per week?

I should have included in the comment that I don’t really have that system working in my life right now – only two girls I see, and I’m not trying to keep them exclusive. Before that also my situation was not about running around seeing the girls all the time.

I was talking about what I was doing about two years ago, and for some years before that. Yes, per day.

A dozen years or so ago I started to have experience with seeing two girls in the same day. Made me feel like a king! Wow! So naturally I turned that happenstance into a lifestyle. Then a lifestyle system.

So I became quite comfortable with seeing at least two girls in a day. To manage the libido I managed my orgasms, and did chi-kung and lifted weights, ate well, plenty of rest, etc. With that system libido was never a limiting factor – only time was.

Lately I’ve almost forgotten how to fuck. To my surprise I’m coming more. I guess I don’t want to be holding so much libido in my body, because I don’t have enough lovers that I’m into to share that high voltage energy with. I think a lot of guys also don’t feel too comfortable being too horny – we relase that tension with jerking off. But releasing that tension becomes a habit that is difficult for the body to break. I’m going to have to go back to kindergarden and relearn what was once just a natural habit – as if I’m learning to drive a car again after a bad stroke.

I do think it’s down to not having appropriate lovers.

Like I said, I turned a happenstance into a lifestyle, into a lifestyle system. I’ve thought deeply about and systematized what works and why. Having three or more girls, and occasional dates, greatly increases my libido. Increased libido when increased opportunity is natural to mammals, and is called the Coolidge effect. Chi-kung and not coming GREATLY increases this effect.

So ya on some days I’d see three or four girls. I remember 5 visits one day, and I was still horny. Thats tail end of the bell curve, but it’s not down only to high libido – it’s also the full system working.

About keeping girls on a once per week rotation, ya, I did that once, although I tend not to because if I’m into a girl why not see her more? Both usually want it. I didn’t see that girl more, because I was ONLY into the sex, and preferred other girls for hanging out time. Later I’d see her more often, but usually leaving one girl in my bed, and then going to visit the fuck buddy in the middle of the night. Later we did see each other more – sexually it got quite intense – I think I came 11 times with her once – probably my record.

But anyway, I wanted to make the distinction between having a harem, and having a fuck buddy. If she is not exclusive – if she has her own harem, it’s not really a harem, is it?