Xsplat has sought therapy for his sex addiction

And it’s called sex.

I figure I need lots of therapy.  The sessions today proved quite therapeutic.

I long ago noticed that it’s possible to increase pleasure, by focusing on it.  I’ve heard that in Japan there is a culture wide appreciation for the beauty of cherry blossoms in bloom.  I’ve heard that some people make a routine of seeing and feeling a profundity of appreciation for the beauty of a sunset.

There is an art to maintaining and even increasing sensual pleasures.  I’ve met some gourmands in my life.  They take great delight in every mouthful.  They do this quite deliberately, and consider good eating a very important part of their life.

I do the same with the young women that I date.  I make an effort to notice what parts of them I find attractive.  It might be the fresh pink color of the tongue when the girl keeps her mouth wide open.  It might be firm shape of the ass.

There is an art to sexual appreciation.

There is a therapy for those who feel little arousal, and it is to learn to appreciate other sensual pleasures, such as sucking on a caramel.  By practising enjoyment, you can actually increase enjoyment.

The converse is also true.  By taking enjoyment for granted, and grunting out cheap five minute fucks, you can dramatically lower your sensual enjoyment.

I’ve talked before of course about chi-kung, and how that can profoundly interface with the internal feelings of sex.  It can make a bigger difference than the best vs the worst sex you’ve ever had in your life; there is no way to overestimate the difference chi-kung can make to a sex life.

But I have not been practising chi-kung much for a good three months now.  There are also other ways to highlight and intensify sex.  One is aesthetic appreciation of the figure of the lover.  That’s actually an art form.  Aesthetic appreciation is art.  It is one of life’s pleasures, and I believe therefore one of life’s duties.  With practice, the visual can thrill.

Unfortunately this does not work nearly as well for me with women who’ve already had children, or who have fat lazy asses.  Deflated breasts and loose belly skin don’t give the same rush as tight firmness.  It’s also easier to thrill to a young and pretty face than an old and ugly one.  In short, youth and beauty enhances sexual aesthetic appreciation.  It’s possible to go stare at a grey cement wall and be filled with awe and wonder, but it’s so much easier to find that emotion at the beach side sunset.

I think the young women I date really get a kick out of how much I love to stare at them.  My eyes love and lust them up, and that’s got to feel good.  I know I love it when they stare lustily at my cock, as if it were a glorious thing of wonder.  Oh glory be to naked tight bodies!  Glory glory.

I’ll seek out more therapy in the morning.

How to be happy and create personal meaning in a fundamentally uncaring and meaningless universe

I’ve noticed that a large percentage of the population has an innate psychological drive and need for meaning.

People are terrified of nihilism. They think that nihilism equals certain and permanent debilitating mental depression. Or worse – they expect they would turn into sociopaths if they accept nihilism.

I have no such fear.

I’m happy. Nihilism is fine. There is no contradiction. I treat people around me well, and I’m nothing close to a sociopath.

I don’t need this existential worth that my younger self and every rationalization in most every head craves. I don’t need life after death. I don’t need any god. None of those things are psychologically important in order for me to feel contentedness.

This has been discussed countless times by countless people. Some percentage of us absolutely crave meaning, and invent it, at all costs. Some of us need it much less.

Truth and meaning are very often at odds. Chances are, if you have meaning in your life, either you realize that it is manufactured and you believe it in the same way that you believe in a dream, (exactly like believing in love merely because it’s fun to do and why not?), or you compartmentalize facts so that they can’t rub up against each other in contradiction to your “real” meaning.

If you want to have power in this world, you need to be a systemic thinker.  If you are a systemic thinker, you need to let facts fight, regardless of emotional requirements.  The big picture takes priority, even over temporary mental breakdowns.  Can Casper the Friendly Ghost both fly through walls and catch a ball?  Such questions won’t bother you if you allow your mind to compartmentalize facts.  This is emotionally convenient, but comes at the cost of a coherent and therefore predictive and influential world view.

Morals and justice and equality and true love and each and every thing that you could ever hold dear are evolved responses.  It is not real outside of your head.  That’s fine.  It’s fine to have these thoughts, and to believe in the dreams we have, if they make us happy.

But if you also want to manipulate reality, I give you permission to also realize and make peace with nihilism.  It’s not as scary as people assume.  It just takes several decades of constant adjustment.  We can watch and get off on the movie, and at the same time know it’s a movie, and delight in why each aspect of the movie moves us.  We can understand that our responses are evolved.  It’s not a sin to know that there is  no such thing as sin.  And it’s human to behave humanely, even knowing there is no sin.  We are evolved to be happy acting as if there were; we are evolved to get pleasure by contributing socially.

That’s not a bad deal.

No afterlife and no god is not any sort of let down.  This mystery is a pretty good deal, for whatever it’s worth, or not worth.

You would want and need more sex if you had more young girls in your life now.

… an old joke about Calvin Coolidge when he was President … The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.” Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.” Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?” The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.” President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”

More from Wikipedia:

In biology and psychology, the Coolidge effect is a phenomenon seen in mammalian species whereby males (and to a lesser extent females) exhibit renewed sexual interest if introduced to new receptive sexual partners,[1][2][3][4] even after cessation of sex with prior but still available sexual partners. The evolutionary benefit to this phenomenon is that a male can fertilize multiple females. The male may be reinvigorated repeatedly for successful insemination of multiple females.[5]

Couples on average have sex quite little.  I hear that sex sessions average from 5 to 10 minutes.  I can never remember the unbelievably low number of times most people have sex per month.  It’s so outside of my experience that it just never registers.

If you take the same “average” person, and give him access to several hot young girls, he’ll have a MUCH higher sex drive.

It’s just a biological fact.

And if he learns some modulation of his sexual energies, he can also learn to enjoy and prefer to not ejaculate, and so enjoy sex not just several times per month, but several times per day.  For longer than it takes to boil an egg too.

Most guys see this fact as so completely outside of their experience that it can’t register at all.

I see it that I owe it to myself to harness the Coolidge effect.  I’m not getting any younger.  These boosts make a big difference to a man’s sex drive.  And that makes a big difference to quality of life.

I told the gym bouncer “No” when he tried to kick me out

A cable broke on the exercise equipment while I was training my triceps.  This caused me to fall backwards and the bar hit me in the forehead.  No biggie, I rubbed my head a bit and went for a glass of water.

When I went back to the equipment a gym attendant came over to me with my can of beer, and angrily asked if I that was my beer and if I was an alcoholic.  “Oh yes, that’s mine, thank you.”  I took it and placed it on a safe spot on the ground and went back to work.

A few moments later he comes up to me again and tells me that I have to leave, because I was drinking.  I laugh and touch his shoulders, and in a friendly way explain that the cable breaking had nothing to do with my beer.  He insists that I am being kicked out.  Ok, so now he’s serious.  I look at him in the eye and say “No.  If you want me to leave you are going to have to fight me, and throw me out.”  He keeps asking me to leave a few more times, and I just go back to my workout.

I’m not a trained fighter, and the guy was much bigger than me.  If he chose to fight me he certainly would have won.  But I would have fought, and he’d have felt as many blows as I could land.  There was no malice or intimidation in my voice when I told him “If you want me to leave, you will have to fight me”, but I expect that my micro expressions contained what I meant by the word “fight”.  It would have been a scene, at minimum.

Later he comes back again.  He’s annoyed, and he’s got another guy with him.  He tells me that I HAVE to leave NOW.  I calmly look at him in the eyes, and simply say “No.”  No fuss.  No argument.  No drama.  Just no.  “You were drinking here!”  “If you don’t like my beer here, just throw it away.  There was no sign here saying I could not bring in a beer.  Are you the manager?”  “No, I’m an attendant here” “Go call your manager”.

At this point his friend grabs him by the shoulder and walks him away.

I calmly finished my workout, for another 45 minutes or so.  Wandered over to the water cooler where the staff work at least 5 times.  Shared turns on the equipment with fellow gym patrons.  I felt unusually strong that day.

As I walked out I shook his hand and made sure that we were both still friends.  He agreed that we were.

I’ve mentioned before that being a boss makes you feel like an authority.  The gym attendant originally felt that he was the authority over “his” gym space.  He felt it was up to him to keep proper decorum, and one can of beer was way out of line.  If I did not have many years of continuously being in the position of authority, I may have also assumed that he was the authority in that situation, and thought it natural to comply.  Or I may have felt challenged, and my blood pressure and adrenaline would have rose, and I would have considered the situation a contest of wills and a threat.

I did not consider it a contest of wills or a threat.  I simply gave him the option.  “If you want me to leave, you will have to fight me.”  When he asked me to leave through force of command only, I calmly looked him in the eyes, and with no threat or malice, simply told him “No.”  I felt no fight inside me.  I did not feel insulted.  I did not feel like I was threatening him.  It was not a negotiation.  It was simply “No.”

I believe that being self employed, and having many staff, changes a persons self conception, to the point where their level of stress hormones stay low during confrontations.  You just start to see yourself as the boss.  Apparently that carries over outside of the workspace.

Partying vs Ambition

I’ve been sidetracked lately from ambition, and it’s an interesting contrast.  Every evening I head to the beach, have a few beers, then cruise around and sometimes chat up girls.

And then just this morning I had a dream.  My brother invited me out to party.  I went to meet him in a large back alley.  His two friends were there, laying in the street like bums, but he was 10 meters away laying down in the street by himself.  When I approached him to say hi, I saw that he had been huffing some solvent like material, literally “black tar”, and his face was covered in it, making it a filthy shiny black.  In the dream I was close to gagging from disgust.

When I woke up I realized that huffing solvent and black tar were mixed up ideas about heroin, and that the dream was about addiction.  My bro wanted to “party”, but he was not happy.  He was an addicted mess, lying in the gutter.

For some reason I don’t understand,my Chron’s disease is in remission, and I can drink beer every night without causing a flare up.  I’ve had times where two nights drinking would ruin me for over a week.  I’ve been drinking a few plus few beers every night, and neglecting work.  That dream was showing me the extreme side of what “partying” can lead to.

I’ve watched and read biographies of Jacky Gleason and Paul Lynde, and Dick Van Dyke, and other old time celebrities who slid into alcoholism.  When does celebrating life to the max and wringing every last drop of enjoyment out of life slide into laying in a gutter?  It’s never easy to pinpoint the exact dividing line.

I’ve had to leave my main business in Java to oversee the workers on my bungalow construction projects in Bali. Out here in Bali I’ve let sessions at the gym be substituted for sessions drinking beer on the beach, listening to live music with girls, or getting massages by three pretty young teenagers.  I’ve substituted 12 hour work days for 3 hour days plus hunting for girls.

A lot of guys have been there and done that.  It can be a good life.  But I don’t think that’s the way to go to wring the juice out of life.  Not now.  Not at this stage.

Anyway, tomorrow I’m heading back to Java.  Java doesn’t have the same drinking triggers that Bali has for me.  And I have my girls there, and possibly one new date.  I’ll be ready and motivated to focus on work.  Like a lot of guys, I’ve “been there and done that”.  I don’t want to tread water or slide downhill.  Ambition can take us to new heights.

Too much information – icky personal goo

This is a diary post.  When a guy posts stuff that puts in him a bad light, one of two social status movements can happen:

  1. He becomes more approachable.  People see their own life in his words, feel less alone, and he is lauded for the honesty.  Everyone has down moments, after all, and these down moments can act to increase group solidarity.
  2. The weak points are used as ammunition against him to lower his social position.

Long time readers will know that I’ve been living in SEA for a dozen or fifteen years.  Before I first came out here, I was still in love with a woman in the US who was 11 years my senior.  I loved her but was freaked out in every nerve ending at her grandma voice and increasing wrinkles and her insistance that a real man took care of a real woman financially.  Ya, I thought, a real man might, if the real woman was young and hot.  If she’s older he gets to be the pool boy.  WTF was that cougar thinking?!

Still, I was deeply attached to her, and admired her.  We had a rare sympatico, on many levels, unequalled to this day.

I couldn’t get over the age differences.  43 to my 32.  She couldn’t get over my lack of provisioning potential.  I lived in her house rent free.  I was so into her that I invited her to spend Christmas with my family in Canada, and yet every moment that I looked at her face I felt wrong.

We went skiing one day.  I kept looking at this woman I was deeply bonded to and attached with, then looking over at the young ski bunnies.  Back and forth.  The contrast was shocking.

And my woman was a fit yoga instructor, with the body of a 20 year old.  Not any hint of sagging anywhere from the neck down.  Great personality.  Good enough and enthusiastic sex.

I was in such emotional turmoil that I was conscious of it most of the day.  At night before bed I’d ask three times for my dreams to show me guidance.  What should I do?

Every night I dreamed of having sex with multiple young girls in their peak years of attractiveness – from seventeen to 23.   In the dreams they’d find out about each other, and get jealous and pissed, but that only caused drama and never ended things.

One year later I was living in Bali, dating a 30 year old.  I thought that was quite a step up.

Two years later and I was dating two or more girls in Thailand, and invited the Bali girl to come out, with the plan of setting up a threesome.  The threesome never happened, but it was a fun reunion.

In Thailand I averaged a new girl every 6 weeks, with the average age about 22.  The youngest was a 19 year old virgin, and the oldest may had been 26 or so.  I stayed for two years.  I usually had two long term serious girlfriends, but sometimes three and a fuck buddy.  There was always time for finding new girls, as I was semi-retired.  For six weeks I dated and fell in mutual love with a well educated Persian woman who would get triple takes each time she walked down the street.  If you don’t believe in perfect 10s, you do believe in Miss World contestants.  She could have won.  Her face was seared like a branding iron into my brain.  She would orgasm while giving head, and was a screamer with great stamina. I’ve never been more alive, and never more into any girl.  Impossible to explain what an impression she made on me.  We wrote to each other almost daily for two years after.

Then I spent a year living with a hypersexual hyper neotinous micro mini girl in the Philippines.  Tried several times to arrange threesomes, but never quite got there.  She had BPD, and all the advantages and disadvantages that come with that.  The best and worst you can imagine.  It was starting to take too heavy a toll, so I moved back to Indonesia.

In Indonesia it took me a while to hit my stride again.  I was a changed man since the first time I lived here long term; more experience with women.  But I still had much to learn, and got tooled at least as much as I tooled girls.  Dated girls, lived with a girl while dating other girls, had that girl cheat on me, then invite me up to live with her Manado where she was dating the new guy, moved in with her for a week while she still dated the other guy, then quickly met some new girl who moved in on the first date.  We lived together for 2.5 years, and she’s still a big part of my life today.  While still seeing her, I moved to a new city and met my lifetime favorite girl.  We lived together for 11 months, which were without question the happiest days of my life.  Then she died, and it was 6 months of night and day excruciating pain.  I invited the Manado girl to come take care of me.  She flew out the next day, but overstayed her welcome and cock blocked.  As soon as I got her out of my apartment I was setting up multiple dates again.

After the third or fourth sex date, I met virgin M21 (21 stands for her age).  Quickly fell in mutual love, but was not satisfied with her virgin sexuality, so met a new girl and moved her in.  M kept dating me anyway.  It took over a year for M and I to find some decent sexual chemistry.  She moved in with me six months into our dating, when my live in went psycho from jealousy from me still seeing M.  We lived together for 2.5 years, and the chemistry kept slowly improving.  Two years later when I started seeing a new girl, N17, the chemistry shot through the roof, as both girls were fighting pussy wars to keep me.  The two girls kept me very busy, and this was again one of the happiest times in my life.

It took about six months of that for M to not be able to stand it.  She started secretly dating other guys.  She’s quite attractive, and so can attract model handsome very wealthy men, which she did.  One of her suitors would give her lavish gifts.  Another would promise marriage.  Another became a long term lover who visited her regularly.

All this time she was still living with me.  I suspected shenanigans, but didn’t press the issue.  One night she was out on a date, and refused to come home when I called.  For that I kicked her out of the house.

This caused her to go ballistic.  She thought it was fair for me to support her while she dated around.  Pair bonds are complicated things, and those who have been married and had affairs, or dated married women, know that just because you are into your new lover doesn’t mean you stop being bonded to your partner.  People get very strong attachments.  She was still very attached to me.  And I to her.

After kicking her out, she set up in an apartment a short walk away from me.  She kept seeing her other suitors, and we kept fucking.  It was heartbreaking for me, at times.  She had been near suicidal heartbroken about me, for many months.

It’s five years since I first started Dating M.  We still see each other, even though she is in contact with my two other regular girls, and sometimes learns of others that I date.

There is nothing embarrassing in any of that.  That’s just normal stuff, many guys will be familiar with.  What’s embarrassing is that over the last year or so our sex life has decreased in passion.

We’d had a long run of intense passion.  For the years we lived together every session was a rocket ship ride to a new fantastic space.  She’d orgasm again and again, and the love was intense.  We were deeply pair bonded, and intensely passionate about each other.  Sex five times a day was the norm.  We stayed in love for more than the customary 6 months, more than just 1 year, and more than the stated maximum of two years.  It was fresh and powerful for years.

I left Java last week to take care of some business in Bali.  I took no girls with me, as I wanted to see V, my private former virgin who was once intensely infatuated with me.  We quickly rekindled our heart and sex affair.  But then she flew off to travel around Australia and New Zealand with her girlfriend.  That left me with no girls here.

I don’t know what percentage of men can’t focus or function after a few days of no sex.  If that’s not you, stifle your innate desire to judge.  That is me. I know me.  After a few days of no sex I start to feel physically uncomfortable.  Then I can’t focus on anything else except finding new girls.

So instead of working I’ve spend much of my time hunting.  Had a few dates, and have a few good leads, but no new sex yet.

Of my three girls in Java, two can’t come out to visit.  One because she was causing drama, phoning up other girls so I nexted her (permanently or not I’m not sure), and the other because she insists on showing up for her job.  So that left M.  As our passion had declined, I waited until I just thought I could not function any more before inviting her.

It was a mistake.

We still have hit and miss sex, but the misses are too common, and they add up and have an emotional toll.  A man wants to feel wanted.  When I was in Java, a poor performance by M wasn’t that big a deal.  A few minutes later and I could be with a girl with more stamina.  But here it’s worse than no sex.  Her presence doesn’t satiate, and only cock blocks.

I’m going to send her home tomorrow.  I have a date with a super hot 17 year old the moment she leaves.

Oh, I since I’m being totally unfiltered with personal information, I may as well say that part of the reason the sex isn’t great is because M seems to have some painful vaginal irritation.  Likely an imbalance of her vaginal flora.  I’ve tried to treat her for that in the past, but she has a hyperactive gag reflex and refuses all pills, even if they are powdered and mixed with sweet drinks.  The suppositories I gave her were used once or twice then ignored.

I’ve given her new suppositories, but it would take days for the irritation to subside.  I have no mood to wait around for a woman whose passion is the color beige to maybe be able to enjoy sex some time.  That’s just cock blocking; I’d much rather be climbing the walls out of my mind sexually frustrated than hanging around tepid sex. I respect myself too much to settle for sex that is a slap in the face insult to who and what I am as a man.

It’s stuff like her stubborn refusal of medicine that removes my romantic feelings for her, and makes me think of her only as a sex toy, and it’s the lack of romance that lowers her sex drive.  She’s the type of girl for whom romance is a major portion of feeling sexy.  She’s not fuck buddy material; she’s built for romance.

Bad sex is embarrassing.  And annoying.

The hash is fake and the pot already had the THC oil extracted

It’s difficult and dangerous to find real pot in Indonesia.

The stuff that is sold on Bali is so weak that even if you vape two big bags of it, you barely feel a thing.

I’ve always suspected that it was the discards of the honey oil extraction process.

Yesterday a friend was offered some pot, by some dude on the street.  He walked with the guy fifteen minutes to his house.  He explained that he didn’t want any of that Aceh crap, because it was not strong.  The vendor tried to sell him two bags of “Moroccan” pot and a big blob of hash for $100 bucks, but my friend just gave him $25 for the two bags of leaf, because after smoking some of it with the guy concluded that it was that crap Aceh stuff.  And the hash was obviously fake.

This morning he carved a carrot pipe, tried it, and got nothing.  So he tried to extract the oil out of it using butane, following youtube instructions.

Nothing to extract.  Even soaking it in pure butane for an hour didn’t discolor the butane, and after the butane was evaporated away there was not a hint of residue on the plate.

****

My friend spend last night talking to every dealer he could find, trying to befriend them and get the real inside scoop on the pot scene.  Of course at first they all tried to sell him the denatured stuff, and insisted that it was real.  It did not take any of them long to open up more, but no one would open their mouth, and none would give him any contact for any real pot.  They could supply valium, xanax, cocaine and meth, but not pot.  He even searched out and talked to some mafia.  Same story.  Everyone said that yes there was some real pot in Bali, but that they would never touch the stuff, and didn’t know exactly which person had it.

I was told that real pot was sold in Kerobokan prison.  And that place is mafia run.  I was also told that as a local it’s not wise to approach mafia to buy pot, because they can make more money colluding with the cops in a sting than selling to you.

Had a blast chatting up teenagers again last night

It doesn’t take much courage to say hello to the massage girls sitting outside their shops on Poppies lane.  They’ll usually even say high first.  They get hit on day in and day out, but you might be surprised to learn that many of them are still virgins.

Pretty young teenagers.  Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen.

I had an absolute blast.  “I love you, marry me” was a common opener.  It was just fun flirting, with no real goal in mind.  I was not number farming, or trying to get any girl home.  I was not trying to spike attraction.  Just having fun and a lot of laughs.  The girls seemed to really enjoy it.

I have a zone.  I can be witty and social.  I know how to flirt.  I’m not always in that zone, but it sure felt great last night.  Like being a king of the world.

I suppose in hindsight the girls were not really hooking.  But at the time that was actually the furthest thing from my mind.  I would walk away from a girl with a very cheerful goodbuy, and didn’t feel the slightest twinge of loss or regret that I didn’t achieve my aim.  Because I HAD achieved my aim!  Such pretty faces.  Such cute girls.  It was so fun to flirt with them.

I flirted with pretty girls wherever I saw them.  Shop girls, girls on the street.  Even flirted with a hooker.  She cheerfully explained that she was very busy, with a client over here, then over here, but that she might be able to see me later tonight.  Cute and small older woman – maybe 35.  That was so fun flirting with her.  I explained I’m more traditional, and we smiled and waved goodbye to each other.  What a little bundle of yum.

Later that night I stopped in to a 7-11 and the counter girl was acting all smiley.  I showed no interest in her and was all business and serious again.  I think I’d flirted with her before and forgotten it.  Oops!  I have a touch of face blindness, and that kind of thing happens to me all the time.

I’ve gone out daygaming very occasionally for a few years now.   On many days I’d not make one approach.  Sometimes I had a little fun, but there was always a hunger to me; like I was out to get something, something that I didn’t quite know how to get.  The hottest girls were too hot to approach, and the mediocre girls were not hot enough to approach.  I felt awkward, and an outsider.  Breaking the ice was next to impossible, and then after that I felt undeserving to be in the presence of such a young hottie, trying to take up her time.

I can see now that it doesn’t have to always feel that way.

Yesterday before approaching a super-hottie on the beach, I noticed an old man and his wife talking to her.  Somehow this bloated ancient retiree was chatting up this super-cutie, with his grey-haired wife hanging on his arm!  WTF!  He was laughing and everybody was laughing.  As if it were perfectly natural to just walk up to total strangers, and be social with them.

We have a method of learning that is ancient, and that monkeys today use.  It’s called monkey see monkey do; we mimic the actions of others.  I swear it’s true that seeing that old man on the beach chat up that hottie – even with his wife right beside him – taught me something, at a deep level.  I didn’t hear a word they said, but that man opened up a world of possibility to me.

That old man was just being social, for fun.  With perfect strangers and with no introduction.  Mind blown.  How?!  And yet the next day somehow I had the same attitude, only I was very playfully flirting.  “Wow, you’re so cute.  I bet the boys hit on you all the time. ” “What do you like in a man?”

I wasn’t exactly flirting in order to get a number, or bring a girl home.  I was flirting for the sake of flirting.  Because it’s fun and what people do.

I even sat down and chatted with some local dudes for a while.  Talked a bit about the local drugs scene.

It sure felt better at the end of the day than my previous sorties.  Before I’d come home feeling like I’d wasted my time, or done nothing.  Last night I came home feeling great – like I’d just had a blast.  Not one solid hook the whole night, so it’s the same outcome.  But it was still time well spent.

That’s new for me, and I didn’t really know that was an option.

When I’m in my flow, I’m pretty good with the gab.  People are entertained, and engaged.  I’d be proud to share the voice recordings, if I had them and were not such an anonymity freak.  But I could see how daygame flirting could be more focused, and I could learn to elicit stronger emotions.  My plan for getting new girls has been to develop a business that brings girls to me, but being better at daygame could be a life improvement, not just for the potential new girlfriends, but just as something enjoyable to do.  To get out of the house, and be social.

Before daygame was a bit more of a chore, or something I did because I felt an inner hunger.  Last night was so much fun that it showed me a whole new side to gaming.  That it can be fun, and have no other purpose than that fun.

Harnessing confirmation bias so that you realize you are desired

I’m not a fan of the fake it until you me it philosophy.  And I don’t believe that all attraction boils down to confidence.  I see narcissism not as an attractive trait to develop, but as a weak point that leads to long term troubles.

And so I’d be the last person to pump myself up with feel good self affirmations.  I’d rather go the gym, build my business, and work on confidence from the outside in.  Be confident in real things, not be confident about being confident.

And so I was surprised at a big shift in attitude that I had yesterday, when I was out daygaming in Bali, handing out business cards and chatting to hot young girls.

I’ve been in Java for the last 8 months, working with great focus on my business.  I haven’t been going out or meeting new girls.  But I remember that the last time I was in Bali cruising for girls that I was conscious of this feeling of loneliness and hunger whenever I went out.  As if there were a poverty and emptiness inside myself.  This would be there even if minutes before I’d been with one of my four lovers who were with me in the city at the time.

After noticing that I blogged about it.  That made a shift.  Since writing it down that sense of poverty and hunger was not the default and only mode any more.

But yesterday was a whole new level of internal shift.

Lately I’ve been commenting over at Rollo’s blog.  I started out very confrontational, and basically said that all married men deep down want to do what I’m doing with my life, but can’t get it together to do it.

That caused a lot of backlash.  And that led me to clarify my thinking. I had to write it down.

They say that as soon as you state an opinion out loud, that you will have confirmation bias towards that opinion.  It’s not enough to think it, you have to publicly take a stance.

I took a very strong public stance saying that men undervalue their own sexual value to young women.  That we are actually much more sexually interesting to them than we are told, by society and especially by other older women.  I said that it’s perfectly normal and natural for older guys to go after younger women, and guys who thought otherwise were brainwashed and trapped inside cages of their own making.

I went on to detail how my real life is actually lived, when told that I was deluding myself and that young girls in SEA are actually only interested in my money.

I’ve had years and decades worth of excellent reference experiences.  When I’m not living with a very hot young woman that I’m in love with, I have been keeping from two to four girlfriends, for at least 12 years now.  They age from 17 to 26, and might average about 22.  I’ve been doted on hand and foot by many girls, even after they have met each other, and even when I only pay for dinners, and all their friends tell them that I’m too old and ugly and poor.

Even with all these great reference experiences, when I go out to chat up girls on the beach or in the mall or on the street, I FEEL like and old and ugly man.  I don’t FEEL attractive and wanted.  I know that a minority of girls would eventually fall for me, given a chance for me to talk away my ugly face.  But I don’t get IOIs when I go out, I’m invisible, and sometimes I’ll get a scowl.

That changed yesterday.  My reference experiences matched up with the opinion that I publicly argued.

I handed out cards like a boss.  I approached one extremely poised and attractive student who was with her mother, baby sister, and aunt on the beach.  I told her that I had to say hello because she was so beautiful.  We exchanged numbers, and later that night she sent me a goodnight text.  I approached many other girls, and although I was clumsy in my brief sets, I did introduce myself, and felt great while doing it.  That’s kind of a big deal for me.

I did not feel lonely or hungry or wanting.  I did not feel ugly and out of my league.  I felt like a perfectly natural man of value that a girl could very well be interested in, making introductions.  As if it were the fun and social and natural thing to do.

I also saw another gentleman my age working the beach yesterday.  He’d just sit down beside a girl and chat her up.  As if that kind of thing happens all the time.  I also saw some local boys doing the same.  Just showing up next to a  crowd of girls sitting down, saying hi, and sitting down, and starting up convos.

I don’t believe in fake it until you make it.  I want to be truly congruent, and not bulshitting myself.  I don’t want to deny reality in order to function at my peak within it.  Narcissism is a short term benefit and a long term disaster.

But this was not narcissism, and not faking anything.  There were some big inner shifts, and I can pinpoint when they happened, and I know why.

It’s because I wrote down and argued my opinion.  Now I have confirmation bias towards those opinions.  I created my inner reality.  Now my reference experiences and my inner feelings match up.  I not only have several girls and lots of history with girls, but I feel abundance.  I not only have reference experiences of lots of girls liking me, but I feel that random hot girls would like me too.  I not only have decades of dating much younger women as reference experiences that it’s normal, but I feel that it’s perfectly normal to approach girls thirty years younger than me.

Your free will sucks

“The reason that I don’t go after teen and twenty something girls is because I don’t want to.

“The reason that I don’t start my own business and pursue outstanding wealth is because I don’t want to.

“The reason why I choose to go along with the crowd is because that’s what I like to do.

“Who are you to tell me how to live?!  My couch and my porn and my video games and my cheetos and my nine to five may satisfy me more than the things you talk about.  I DON’T WANT THEM.  So SHUT UP!”

 

Is this the the best relationship quote you’ve ever read?

From Practical Female Psychology:

Female Stages of Manipulation

We believe that manipulation is an instinctual behavior deeply rooted within female biology. Manipulation is also a learned behavior, due to one’s need for survival. From a biological point of view there is not too much of a difference between biologically-rooted and learned behavior. In fact, from the point of view of both modem neurobiology and evolutionary psychology, behaviors repeated and learned over time become deeply rooted in the neurological patterns within the brain, to the point where the behavior becomes largely unconscious. As individuals are prone to choose behaviors which support survival, manipulation has certainly been selected as a desirable survival skill.

Manipulation can be defined as the attempt to influence another person’s mind to achieve a certain outcome. Manipulation is very often seen as a negative thing. We, however, are not judgmental about manipulation, and actually consider it a positive feature, which has been designed to keep life continuing on this planet.

In order to best manage relationships with women, the Modern Man should understand that there are various stages of manipulation that a woman will go through during the course of a relationship with a man.

On the biological level, the female of our species is programmed to:

1. Elicit a strong sexual attraction in one or more strong males.
2. Feel a strong sexual attraction for such males.
3. Become impregnated by her choice of male.
4. Have a male to provide materially for both her and her infant child.
5. Afterwards, she will subconsciously tend to operate in such a way so as to have her sexual attraction for that male decrease.
6. Wash, rinse, repeat: she will tend to have more sexual intercourse and more children with other strong males.

We call this process betaization, where the strong, alpha male is rendered beta — which means “secondary” or “subservient” — within the relationship, over a period of time. Quite often, this process occurs gradually and almost imperceptibly to both parties.

Manipulation is widely used by women to achieve:

• Safety and comfort for her and her children, with their survival being the primary purpose.

• To thereby influence the man’s mind in such a way that he will feel compelled to protect her and her children, especially before pregnancy, during the pregnancy and throughout the children’s early developmental years.

Female manipulation can be either creative or destructive, depending on the desired outcome. From the point of view of the man, female manipulation can be considered “good” when it supports life and the man’s interests and “bad” when it destroys life and/or damages the man’s interests.

Succinctly, the more manipulation is used by a woman, the more it becomes natural and unconscious to her. It is like learning to play a musical instrument: at first it is difficult and one needs to pay conscious attention to each note being played, Then, as mastery is gradually achieved, manipulation becomes more and more unconscious.

Behaviors are slow to develop and also slow to be unlearned. In the modem woman of the industrialized countries, the way instincts are expressed has changed slightly with time, due to less-demanding survival conditions. However, the influence of the female’s primal instincts on her behavior remains evident.

It is important for you to learn to recognize manipulation. In fact for a woman’s sexuality to be satisfied, it is important that her manipulation attempts against her man not be too effective. You must learn to observe female behavior and give the right responses, with the goal of making her happy on the emotional level, as opposed to responding to manipulation attempts on a logical level.

Learning to respond appropriately requires knowing the various stages of female manipulation.

A woman’s attempt to own you mentally will follow certain incremental stages, which predictably occur with mathematical precision. We will now discuss each of the following stages in detail:

• Testing the Male
• Seeking Communication
• Putting him to Work
• Evolutionary Selfishness
• Self-Determination

Depending on the woman’s self-esteem, there are big differences in the way these stages will play themselves out. If a woman has high self-esteem (HSE), she will test you and manipulate you in a totally different way than a woman who has low self-esteem (LSE).

Testing the Male

“Let me be a little bitch to him/’ A woman knows on the instinctual level — and also on the rational level — that a man can impregnate a large number of women without too many consequences. In our modem age of mandatory child support, this is not always true in practical terms, but biologically it remains the case that the female has a much higher risk and burden when it comes to pregnancy than the man does.

A woman also knows that a weak male will not be able to protect her or her children in any way. Imagine as a man how your thoughts about survival would be different if every time you made love to a woman you faced the possibility of carrying a baby in your belly for the next nine months, followed by the primary responsibility of taking care of the baby for many years to come. Imagine how you would feel if you knew that your partner could leave you at any time and impregnate other women and/or leave for war or for hunting. Get the picture? You would become much more selective in your choices of who to mate with.

From this biological reality stems the deep need that a woman has to test the male for his physical and leadership qualities. In our modern society, the need to test for physical qualities and financial stability has become less important than the need for qualities such as leadership, intellectual capacity, and strength of personality; but that would be quickly reversed in the case of war.

One thing is for sure: a woman in this stage will test the male for his skill of being a hunter. This will happen whether you are skilled in hunting animals in the grassy field or company shares in the business field; you can be sure that at the first stage of manipulation a woman will test you.

A woman will always test a male who she is sexually attracted to. For a psychologically healthy woman, survival and sexual desire must always harmonize with each other. A woman who tests men only for survival benefits — such as a man’s ability to provide — is denying her sexuality. A woman who tests men only for their sexual appeal, is either planning to live her life without men, or is being self-destructive.

Seeking Communication “Open up to me, please.”

Once a woman has tested the male, and is relatively sure that he is strong enough to serve her purposes, her concern begins to revolve around making the man serve her exclusively. Many men who are relatively strong and pass the tests of the first stage, fail to understand the meaning of this second stage. This stage is extremely difficult for the average man to detect. It is instinctually and often unconsciously masked by the woman as a purely innocent attempt to “communicate” with the male.

It is a feature of the feminine psyche to appreciate communication above all else, but from an evolutionary point of view what the female of our species is really doing at this stage is using language to befuddle her partner, which will hopefully cause him to serve her and her purposes.

This stage is extremely important to the success or failure of couple relationships. Couple therapy fails so frequently because it tends to disregard the real, evolutionary meaning of this stage. A very common pitfall for couples is when the woman starts to feel that the man is displaying an inability or unwillingness to “communicate properly” with the woman. Modem couples therapy almost invariably places the blame for this supposed lack of communication squarely on the man’s shoulders.

In the first stage, the woman has screened out the weaker males; the man was specifically chosen by the woman for a relationship. In this second stage, the woman acts as if she is seeking deeper communication with the man. A strong man will start to sense that an attempt is being made to weaken him, and he will then usually react with certain predictable behavior patterns. He may get angry or he may withdraw. Arguments that seem to the man to be based on nothing logical at all will often occur at this stage.

    Putting Him to Work

“Honey, please take out the trash and wash the cat, and please hurry!” When and if a man opens himself emotionally up to a woman — in the sense of what we discussed in the preceding subsection — from that point onwards the woman effectively owns the frame of the relationship. Now, the active destruction of attraction can begin in earnest, as she starts her attempts to take over aspects of the man’s life which directly affect his material interests. For example, purchase decisions can now be made “jointly” which, in the cool light of rational analysis, really are the result of the woman’s manipulation attempts and the man’s desire to maintain some semblance of peace in the household.

    Female Evolutionary Selfishness

“I am never satisfied no matter what you do or how hard you try.” This stage begins once the woman has succeeded in having her formerly-strong male open up to her emotionally. In this stage, any communication with her male partner is only for the purpose of deriving something useful for her and her children. At this stage she will exhibit a total disregard for the man’s psychological and material interests. The man will be put under the power of a strong and constant psychological double bind, along the lines of:

“If you don’t open up to me I am not satisfied. You don’t communicate with me.”

    simultaneous with

“As soon as you open up to me I will use the information you provide in a totally selfish way for my own needs.”

Either way, the end result for the male is usually guilt, shame, or confusion, finally giving way to resentment and anger. Assuming he takes her seriously — and most men do — he will get caught into an ongoing psychological mechanism, which will make him weaker and weaker, with terribly-negative results for her sexual attraction towards him. At this stage, he is no longer the strong male she admired at the beginning.

    Female Self-Determination

“I am full grown, independent woman now.” Of course, the female in the relationship never was a “little girl.” In the self-determination stage, however, another double bind — even more powerful than the preceding — will be thrown at the male. Once he starts to seek out the emotional communication that she had been asking for all along, she will begin to express sentiments such as she is feeling oppressed, or that the man is boring, or that he is too nice, or that he doesn’t understand her, and so on. Again, the usual effect of such feminine expressions on the man is bewilderment, shame and guilt.

If at this point the man decides that he does not care at all about what she says or does, she will assert that “he is not a loving husband/boyfriend” or “I cannot live with him because he does not understand me,” or “I do not feel anything for him anymore,” or “sex without communication is a turn off”; once again inducing some very negative feelings within the man.

In the Self-Determination Stage, the female expresses her resentment and dissatisfaction with the relationship. This happens virtually without exception in the case of male partners who have become progressively psychologically weaker with time.

Men who are able to pass through these stages without a corresponding decrease in their women’s sexual attraction towards them are exceptionally-strong men. These men avoid becoming psychologically weaker through the process. We believe that such men are more the exception than the norm. It is much better for nature to first create attraction between a male and a female and soon after have it decrease. That helps to ensure both a safe upbringing of the offspring as well as more sexual interactions with other sexual partners, which in turn results in more offspring and a wider spreading of genetic materials.

This is not much different from what happens with many animal species, including species where the female kills the male after copulation. In the case of humans, this “killing” happens on the psychological level. The killing of human males by their female partners is largely symbolic, but we must also take into account those men who take this process so seriously that they start to destroy their health through the abuse of alcohol or drugs, or start to abuse their partners, or even murder their partners or commit suicide.

In other words, permanently-monogamous sexual relationships are not necessarily natural. They are partly a modern, social construct. Or, put another way, they are a social construct, the evolutionary purpose of which lasts for as long as Nature considers it useful.

Manipulation End-Game

In traditional, male-dominated societies, if the female cannot leave the relationship when her attraction evaporates through the process discussed above, the end result is often clinical depression and/or cheating. Clinical depression occurs when her sexual attraction for her mate decreases or dies out completely, and she is prevented from having sex with other males by social restraint. The woman in this case has to face a practically impossible conflict between her emotions, which demand sexual satisfaction, and her societally-restrained behavior, which prohibits sexual satisfaction.

In modem, politically-correct societies, a common end result of the manipulation process is the woman ending the relationship, or acting in such a way that the man has no other choice but to end the relationship. Infidelity is very likely to happen in either case.

Psychological counseling and family therapy usually fail to help couples in this situation because they start from the shaky assumption that exclusive committed relationships are always “healthy” and that having sex with different partners is “sick.” They also fail miserably in detecting the slow and dangerous psychological process whereby the mind of the male is confronted with schizophrenic double messages from the female, which would be considered to fit the clinical definition of Borderline Personality Disorder by most experienced clinicians on the planet.

Usually what happens in therapy and psychological counseling in the western world is that the male is made to be the scapegoat of a process which has been actively maintained by the female. There are some professionals who understand this process better than most, but they often do not have the courage to speak out about it. On a meta-level, what is happening with this social process is simply another evolutionary mechanism, one which allows for more pregnancies and for the upbringing of children in the most viable way possible.

There is certainly a strong cultural influence at work here and it behooves men to understand these forces and to work hard to make themselves strong men who do not succumb easily to female manipulation. Above all, a man with children should start from the premise that he is an equally important and vital link to a child’s psychological well being. There are countless studies which show that statistically, children do better in every social and psychological respect when they enjoy the equal influences of a healthy male and a healthy female parent.

Although the onset, intensity and order of occurrence of each of these stages in the betaization process may vary from woman to woman, in our experience this process has occurred in every long-term relationship we are familiar with: ours, our friends, and our families, and in countless case studies that we have researched. In fact, this process is exactly the means by which women turn short-term relationships into long-term relationships. However, female manipulation is not difficult to counter once a man understands the process. Let’s revisit each stage in turn.

Testing never ends. Women test unconsciously. Testing is the woman’s primary method for determining congruency and for discerning a man’s authenticity; his ability to be genuine. Testing ceases to be an issue of any significant consequence when the man is fully congruent — both internally and externally. The woman will still always test, but once a man has it together, he will pass the woman’s tests without much effort or even realizing he is being tested.

Since testing is so closely related to the mechanisms controlling sexual attraction, it is important to remember that testing never ends. Maintaining an appropriate level of attraction within any romantic relationship is very important. One way we, the authors, maintain attraction with our mates is through regular, social interaction with other attractive females. For more information on why maintaining friendships with the opposite sex is important to your relationship, please see Chapter 19, “Male Qualities Attractive to Women.”

Seeking Communication is really her signal that she is suffering from emotional ambiguity. Most men view a woman’s pronouncement of “I don’t feel we are communicating” as a logical statement addressing the exchanging of facts — or a lack of such activity — between two people. It is not. It is an emotional statement involving her confusion and emotional disconnection from the relationship.

When the woman puts the blame on the man, this is normal, for two reasons. For one, women habitually blame their own emotional distress on external factors, thus absolving themselves from responsibility. When a man happens to be the most convenient “blame receptacle”, then he gets the blame. The second reason she does this is that she is actually making a request for masculine leadership. She wants her man to step up and deal with her out-of-control emotional state with mascvi-line strength, and without fear.

The only important word in any such statement coming from a woman is “feel.” It’s so important that in many cases it doesn’t matter what she feels, as long as it’s any emotion stronger than indifference. Anything with passion will do, as long as it’s followed up, in all cases, with the appropriate level of physical commitment. And always make sure that intense displays of passion are followed by intense displays of affection. Let’s be blunt: keep her well-sexed.

Being Put to Work can be stopped simply by saying “no.” Do it sometimes. Just say no! If your woman has become habituated to your instant obedience, then refusing a request is going to stop her in her tracks. She will literally not know what to do. Lots of drama could ensue, so be prepared.

Another way to handle her constant requests is in a spirit of teasing and fun. You can gently make fun of her being “bossy,” and so forth.

Yet another effective way to handle a woman’s attempts to put you to work is to negotiate with her. For example, if she demands that you take the kids shopping for clothes, you can kindly request that she prepare a special meal while you are gone. While tit for tat may seem thoroughly unromantic, by the time a man is in this situation, we believe the romance is far gone anyway. There is nothing to lose, and your self-respect to regain.

Best yet, be proactive and act like a leader: women want to feel useful and contribute to something meaningful. Spend some time to give your female counterpart meaningful work, ensuring that yon are the one who determines the direction of the family. You will find that agreeing on specific tasks becomes much easier. When you appreciate a good woman for her specific contribution, she will be delighted in her relationship, and feel she made an excellent selection in a man.

Evolutionary Selfishness is understandable when we consider that the female’s primary concern is always for her own well-being and that of her children, It is difficult — if not impossible — for most women to feel altruistic or merciful towards a grown man. Your role as the man is to be her protector, or to get out of her way. However, as a strong protector you have great value in the eyes of a healthy woman. So the key here is to assert your value and put a price tag on your leadership of her and the family. This means simply that you lead the relationship and continually give her tasks within the context of the relationship.

Putting a price to your leadership also means having your own moral standards, whereby it’s subcommunicated from the beginning and throughout the relationship that you, as a man, expect certain behaviors and certain types of treatment from the female, if she is to retain your interest in being her leader and protector. As we discussed in the chapters on Screening and Female Self-Esteem, certain women, obviously, will never he able to submit to male leadership, no matter how strong you are.

Self-Determination This stage is a very strong signal from the woman that — in her mind — the relationship has ended, or is about to end. She is effectively telling you that she no longer views the two of you as a unit. As difficult as it may seem, at this stage you may need to be prepared to let her go. Your best chance to salvage the relationship may be to start right back at the beginning; let her know that you are equally prepared to leave the relationship if you are not getting the respect and admiration that you want and deserve.

You never want to be in a position where you are chasing or begging a woman. Not only is that a pathetic position for a man to find himself in, but any shred of sexual attraction that had remained in the woman will be completely destroyed by such actions.

In reality, a man can survive just about anything, including the ending of a cherished relationship. Therefore, consider this stage as the ultimate test of how much of a man you really are. If you fail this test, the game is over with this particular woman.

*************************

That has got to be the best relationship quote I’ve ever read.

And it brings up something that’s been on my mind; how timeless and constantly rediscovered all this stuff is.

For instance this “This means simply that you lead the relationship and continually give her tasks within the context of the relationship.” is something that was my “original” insight on my blog years ago. I put it as “always be giving commands”.

Hat tip to SJF for the quote.

Women love and orgasm pragmatically – why this means beta bucks is simplistic

“Women love opportunistically” – Xsplat

The implications of this are usually ignored.

Women give value to men based on a variety of signals, as we all know. Muscular fitness is an independent signal from financial status which is independent from diamond core confidence. What messes with MOST peoples heads is the word AND. MOST people do not have the mental wiring to be able to string together independent variables with the word AND.

AND brings us a very complicated weave of overlapping and mixing and dynamically changing variables. Attraction does not reduce down from money to a core of confidence, and two equally confident men in SOME situations will not have the same attraction results, if other variables differ, such as facial attractiveness, social power, height, etc.

If you truly understand that women love opportunistically, you can’t have a black and white idea of alpha fucks and beta bucks.

Because some of what women LOVE will make them orgasm more.

There was a large study done in China that concluded that women orgasm MUCH more for wealthy men.

It did not conclude that women don’t orgasm for poor men, or that no poor men cause as many orgasms as the richest men. It concluded that wealth, on average, was correlated with an increase in women’s SEXUAL response.

So the LOVE that women have, which is towards a weighted average, is both PRAGMATIC, AND SEXUAL.

Would western college aged girls on average orgasm more for wealthy men? Maybe. Maybe not.

The context will make a difference on what is pragmatic to the girl. The girl might not be in a position where wealth from a man is much of a pragmatic advantage.

But if it were a PRAGMATIC advantage, she would not love the man FOR his money, she would love the man WITH money.

Her subconscious would perform a calculation of value, and AFTER that calculation inform her what to FEEL.

And then she’d be more likely to orgasm, because that’s the pragmatic thing to do, with more valuable men.

***

If you are inclined to disagree with the above, please read this to see if we are actually in more agreement than we thought:

It has been scientifically carefully and repeatedly studied that our confirmation bias increases as soon as we state an opinion.

I’ve met some teachers who have noticed this in their own lives, and have complained of becoming unstoppably fixed in their views and arrogant. One teacher explained to me that this was not actually his fault, because it was the human condition, and that if I was ever a teacher it would happen to me too.

I also understand that in order to persuade someone, if you come across as the adversary, they will dig in their heels and defend their point of view.

And if a guy comes across as a braggart who is out to AMOG (show off and one up and put others down), no matter what he says might simply rub people the wrong way. It’s not about about what he says any more. He’s just unlikeable, and seems disagreeable, and therefore should be disagreed with, on principle. I feel that way towards many, many people, and I discount useful views all the time, because I don’t like the personalities who hold those views.  I’m primed to disagree, and every sentence they write primes me more.

None the less, I think it’s extremely pragmatic, to take a fresh look at the alpha fucks beta bucks meme. Could it be a truth in the exact same way that an independent variable such as muscles increase attraction is a truth? A partial truth, that intersects with others, depending on context?

It doesn’t cost any money to change your mind.

There actually isn’t much social penalty, to alter ones viewpoint.

I do come across with my ideas in an adversarial way. That’s on me. You know? That’s my fault.

That has nothing to do with changing your own opinion.

And it really is the human condition that we are not wired to change our opinions.

It’s MUCH easier to formulate coherent ideas than it is to adjust them.

It’s MUCH easier to formulate blog posts, than it is to interact skilfully in the comments section in a way that listens without bias.

Why I believe that married men lie to themselves about not wanting flings

In recent comments at Rollo’s blog, some married men took offence at my declaration that deep down all men want some sexual variety, and that the only reason that married men don’t pursue young strange is because of not knowing how to.

I’ll admit right now I could be wrong about this presumption.  But I’m going to explain why I have it.

I think sour grapes is a gigantic drive in how the brain works. Why have unrealistic expectations? That can only lead to pain.  Want is a painful emotion, and there is much life satisfaction to be gained by accepting things as they are.  And yet realistic ambitions are what lead to positive improvements.  So our brain is wired to strike a balance between ambition and denying the value of ambitions we can not realistically reach.

Sour grapes is wired right into how we think.  We do not allow ourselves to value valuable things, if we think we can’t get those things.  “I didn’t want those those unreachable grapes, they were probably sour anyway”, is not just something stupid people say.  It’s the human condition.

But the thing is, women work in collusion to hypnotize men into believing that their realistic options are much smaller than they really are.  They work extremely hard to make men think that they will break up with them if they are not monogamous.  That young women will not date them if they are old.

And men internalize these female cultural messages as if they were their own thoughts.  They internalize that it is abnormal for older men to go after younger girls, and that younger girls would not be physically attracted anyway, and that there would be a high price to pay in their own marriage if they tried.  They arrange the story such that they didn’t want those grapes anyway.

Some married men have so internalized their own cage, that even imagining being in a non-fenced relationship conjures up all sorts of crazy fantasies about how fucked up and horrible that would be.

On the blog comments I heard from older married men that  in order to remain interested in dating several young women, an older man would need to be:
1) hormonally imbalanced
2) experiencing an identity crisis
3) have fucked up life priorities
4) have impractical hopes and expectations
5) obsessed and addicted
6) be into that for the purpose of bragging

You don’t hear most men say the rational and realistic thing: “Yes, that would actually be pretty cool to have flings with young women who turn me on and are into me, but I choose not to after weighing up the balances of pros and cons. That would come at too high a cost to me personally, even though I could see it would be enjoyable.”

Instead you see people who have internalized their own cage fighting to protect that cage.

Now it may actually be the case that some men truly have no desire to have sex with young attractive women.

I personally don’t believe it’s true.  I’ve heard many men claim this is true for them, and I deny that they are accurately self reporting their own emotions.  I could be wrong, but I’ve explained my reasons for this belief.

I’m also going to amend my original claim.  The reason married men don’t persue young women is because they don’t know how to without too much damage to the rest of their life.  So there are two separate and overlapping reasons; 1) they may see young women as out of reach, and 2) they don’t have the multiple long term relationship skills to be able to manage more than one relationship, especially with their current wife.  It can be one, the other, or both.

Even as I age out of the dating marketplace, I’m nowhere near my peak lifetime potential

One of my girls is causing drama, phoning and threatening the other two in her city.  I’ve had to next her.

A girl that I’m bonded and in love with, but for whom I have a bit less sexual chemistry, agreed to meet me, after she had broken up with me for seeing other girls, and I was away from Bali for 8 months.  She has never had sex with anyone other than me.  She’s about 26 years younger than me. I’m very emotional about her.   I’m the type of guy whose emotions can’t be hidden; my eyes tear up out of happiness, my face flushes red out of embarrassment.

On the first night she limited my groping away from her nipples.  The next day she insisted on a condom.  At first.  She has a very difficult time understanding how I can be in love with her but refuse not to stop fucking other girls.  Every time I say anything about her, she bounces it back with “that’s what you say to all the girls”.

V is so sweet.  Very emotional, very romantic.  Very bright and funny. I have some feelings for her that I don’t have for anyone else right now.

Only with her do I get to be witty.

I very occasionally go out hunting.  Most of the time I don’t even make one approach.  I rarely get any IOIs, and in fact can’t even catch a glance most of the time.  When I’m not outright invisible I get actual scowls of disdain, just for daring be taking up space.

Lately I’ve been getting messages from some girl I handed my business card to.  She’s small and my type – I only approach girls who I’d want to see on a regular basis.  At first I assumed it was the drama girl, trying to entrap me, so I ignored it.  But as of today a date has been set up for when I return to Java.  Nice timing – I can drop the drama girl without any change in the number of companions.

You may notice that within this narrative is an underlying theme, and principle.  If a man holds his frame, at all costs, things can work out far better than how women SAY they will.  And no matter what you think your sexual value, you can punch above your weight.  And up your value to punch yet higher still.  And you can do that far longer than other others will tell you.  I expect to still be dating young women when I’m 70 years old.  Some of them may be my current companions.  Even though they’ll be pushing or even past forty, a girl gets bonus points for history.

Being old does not necessarily mean you can’t still date attractive young women.

Being non-monogamous does not necessarily mean that women will not remain deeply romantically and sexually attached to you.

A man can hold his frame.  It would amaze most people how much weight holds up under a strong frame.

Women will threaten every possible thing they can to keep a man monogamous.  Some will resort to threats of theft, police, and physical violence, against you or the women in your life.  Most will threaten abandonment.  And yet if a woman is bonded and attracted to you, she will feel compelled to keep seeing you, even if it causes her frequent tears.

It’s very difficult for me to get dates.  I plan to order a wig today, as there is not much hair left.  Sometime this year I may get something done about the heavy wrinkles in my face.

But even without the wig and surgery, and even being short and ugly and bald and old, and even with already having four lovers who fight over me, I’m nowhere near close to my sexual marketplace potential.  Even without further building up my businesses and pipeline – but just now with what I have, I am only scratching the surface.

Some percentage of cool and interesting attractive young women would continue to fall for me, as I am, and put up with and even join in on my sexual shenanigans.

I’m going to need to slot in some time for handing out more cards.

 

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