We are all a little bit BPD, but that’s not my business.

Mike said:

If you want to chew on something worthwhile, figure out what it is about yourself, that makes you feel responsible for this person and their emotions and/or future. You’ll fall right back into this situation with her or someone just like her if you don’t confront the part of yourself that takes on this burden.


Good point.

I think that the way that I handled the lengthy whatsapp messaging incident is as clear a signal as can be about the healthiness of my boundaries, and exactly how much responsibility I take for another persons emotions.

I was even willing to let her seek out a new lover at that time while she was texting, if that is what worked for her. She’s an adult, and I’m not an acting babysitter, nor do I play one in real life.

Here is what happened just before the phone incident:

She’d somehow picked up this habit of of saying “Daddy come here”, when I was otherwise engaged in work or other interests. I had to make light of it by coming up and pulling on her Barbie string and have her say “Daddy come here” whenever I pulled the string. She’d be lying on the bed and I’d be standing up, facing her, giving her full attention and talking to her, and she’d still say “Daddy come here”.

“I AM here! I’m right here!”

She’d miss me even when I was right there.

She was getting really clingy, and insecure, and I just did not want to have to babysit that insecurity.

So there I was standing up, joking and refusing to cuddle (she was not seeking sex), and she crawled off of the bed and I instinctively backed away, hands up in front of me making an invisible barrier. I’d back away a few inches, and she’d crawl forward more, until finally I let her get all the way close, and she started clinging onto my legs, naked, wimpering a bit.

So I got on the bed with her and the next thing I know I’m telling her the story of how when I was a child me and my brother used to play The Blob game. I described the movie The Blob, and how an alien goo landed on earth in an asteroid impact, and how a teenager touched it, and how a small blob of goo slowly ate his hand, until the next day his friends visited him to discover all that was left was a gloobing pulsating mass of Blob. Which eventually ate most of his friends, and later grew to wallow down main street, eating up buildings.

So my brothers and I would hide under a blanket, slowly crawl up to the victim, then rear and and scream “BLOB!” and engulf the other person in the blanket.

I accidentally hit her face as I engulfed her, and she took that as a sign of deliberate hurtful indifference towards her – “you play too rough!”.  Again confusing her own feelings with reality – and deliberately and obtusely refusing to differentiate between the two. Then she started actually crying like a little child, in pain – for way longer than any physical pain could have been causing her anguish.

Trying to justify her overblown reaction and contention that I play too rough, she gave the example of how a few times I’d patted her on the back, with the exact same force that a parent burps a child. Everyone else I’ve done that to has found it very comforting.

I tried to laugh it off and demonstrate that this is the exact pressure applied to babies, and explain that she is not made of flower petals.

“Ow! That hurts!”

Psychosomatic pain is real, sure, but get a fucking grip man. There is such a thing as over-reacting, and the fact that your emotions are sending you signals out of touch with what is happening in the real world does not mean that the real world is wrong. It means you are out of touch with reality. That is NOT an excuse to complain about unfair treatment! Actual crying, like an actual child – regression to a child like state, in order to curry attention and favorable treatment.

I. just. was. not. into it. I did not buy her narrative for one second. No extra sympathy points for you girl.

Back to the Blob. Apparently my subconscious had made some association between her, clinging at my feet, and the Blob.

Ya, she was trying to eat up my free will, my life force, my future, and put every last one of my balls into her purse for safe keeping.

I was guilty of leading her on. At first I really wasn’t quite sure if our thing would lead to kids, but after I realized no, I still led her on, and took a hit to my lifestyle as a trade off. It was mostly working out, I thought. Until I started to get resentful at her showing up at my door. That wasn’t so good.

She refused to announce herself as standard girl ploy. If I never know when she’ll arrive it’s more difficult to arrange a private schedule. She was slowly trying to tame my balls, boiling the frog. That actually works for a lot of guys.

But for some of us it’s really a hopeless lost cause.

As Blackdragon says, Alpha guys WILL cheat, sooner or later. It’s not even their choice. They WILL cheat, and they WILL get caught.

I was trying the Alpha 1.0 relationship game – and got caught and broken up with enough times that the next step was to actually try to play by the stated rules.

Of course many guys can play by those rules, and will never be able to empathize. Some guys don’t have the option to play by those rules. We simply can’t. If we try, everything gets out of whack, and no one is happy.

I wasn’t even fucking her every day anymore, and we started to have a few mediocre sex sessions. And I didn’t even care. My health isn’t great, but getting soft with her on top is still not a great relationship sign.

That would not happen if I were playing by my own rules. My own system works great – I get sexually supercharged, am very attentive, never neglectful. I’m simply a better man, better person, better lover, give more, and on and on, if someone can accommodate me being me without trying to keep my balls in their their fucking purse.


The more she needed reassurance the more I wanted to pull away.

This is a long rambling diary post.  I’m not going to bother to edit it.  It’s not thoughtful, well crafted or organized.

We had been playing house since February.  Every spare moment she’d visit me, take care of me, hang around while I worked, make love with me or fuck me wild.

We’d been dating off and on for three years.  I’d been caught out being unfaithful three times, and after much thought decided to try being monogomous.  There was a background understanding that marriage and babies was a direction we could be heading in.

A bit to my surprise I found that even though I loved her, something core and essential about me could not change.  I valued my freedom as my life, and started to resent her showing up unannounced.  Once she was here, I liked it, but just that my free will was taken away by our social agreement frustrated me, and I was starting to resent her love as much as I appreciated it.

I also didn’t like how I had to bury and hide so much of my character – so much of my reason for living, what I find fundamentally important and real – my real me.  I had to bury and hide and never let get close to the surface that yes, I want to fuck other young pretty girls.

I couldn’t even try to inject a little space of a giggle about it.  “Can you help me send money to China?”  “What’s it for this time?”  “Oh, it’s for my girlfriend there.  But don’t worry, I haven’t seen her in years.”

That attempt at levity sent her into a panic as real as if she were watching a horror movie.  It didn’t have to be real – just the thought was scary enough to spike her blood pressure and kick off a round of obsessive compulsive ruminating.  The next day we were broken up.

She had good reasons to be insecure, and good reasons to break up.  How long is a girl expected to keep dating a guy, no matter how much she is in love with him, once she knows that they will never get married and have babies?

After that attempt at humor, an hour later she’s completely miserable, in great emotional anguish, and furiously typing away on her phone.  I just don’t want to deal with it.  At all.  I figure her happiness is her responsibility and she needs to find a way to come back into balance so that we can share happiness together.

It’s obviously quite rude to have a date and spend much of that time texting someone else.  This girl was horribly distraught, and was reaching out for help.  I had no idea if it was to a potential new lover, or to her male friend who acts as a confident and advisor.  I knew she was in pain and needed help, and wanted her to get it.  I came close to asking her to leave to go home until she could sort herself out before we meet again.

Girls often try to make a guy jealous to reassure themselves that the guy cares.  If she was playing a jealousy gambit on her phone, I wasn’t into it.  No fucking way was I going to play the game of even asking her who she was texting.  That’s her business.

And I just could not bring myself to reach out and try to comfort her.  She was being completely uncommunicative – at least to me – not any hint whatsoever to me why she was crying or what she was texting about.  Did I want to reward that with “oh baby, it’s alright, I love you, calm down”.  No, the whole scene frankly disgusted me; childish to the extreme.  I didn’t want to have ANYTHING to do with it.  At all.

I decided to wait her out and let her come to me when she was ready to talk.  She must have texted for at least an hour, and then silently fell asleep, covered up in a blanket and facing away from me.

Thankfully she found a peaceful smile in her sleep.  I injected some prescribed ketamine in a well researched attempt to heal my chronic gastritis.  That stuff is incredibly weird.  The first few times are very dissorienting – as if you were transplanted fresh – like a soul into a baby – into a fresh new weird universe and body.  Having everything be re-contextualized for me leads to the big questions.  As relationship was up, I had think about my self, how I am surviving and can continue to survive, and those that I love who love me.

I thought of my poor girl in pain.  In a flash I knew that I’m not a family man, but that such men exist.  I knew that it is simply not an option for me to take on the role of family man – even if I wanted babies with this woman, and even though I wanted her in my life long term.  It’s simply not an emotional option available to me.  There is nothing to repair or change – a rabbit is not an elephant is not a fish.  I’m not a family man and can’t become one.

As I got used to ketamine world, I found that I could still play piano, still walk, and even though I could not feel it, was still breathing just fine.  It was difficult to tell if sounds were real or hallucinations, but it semed they were just normal sounds recontextualized into the ketamine body, and probably not much of the sounds were exagerrated into hallucinations.

Hallucinating on ketamine was an option to explore if I wanted, but I wasn’t in the mood.  I felt into my heart chakra briefly, and realized I could explode into a chi-kung world of drama and emotion if wanted to enter that space.  Didn’t go there.  I opted out of any sort of chi-kung attention.  That can get overwhelming, and on my second trip was no master of ketamine space ready to dive into that particular unknown.  Low drama.  Just hang out.  Be soulful, feel the big questions – see life from fresh eyes.

As I started to come down I wanted to commune with my mate, so gently woke her up with a hello.  I was still quite affected by ketamine.  I was ready to be emotionally open to her – unlike before when she was furiously typing away at her phone instead of talking to me, who was right there beside her.

Drugs can leave my mouth unfiltered.  With her I had to spend so much time filtering my thoughts, for fear if she knew how I really felt she’d leave me.  In my effort to show that I was empathetic and understanding of the pain she was going through, I restated something I’d read the day before, said from a girl who broke up with her boyfriend.  “I mean how long is a girl expected to stay with a guy once she knows they will never get married?”  I knew it was a tactical error, but it was already out of my mouth.  Then somehow the truth serum had me saying that I was not in the mood to work, that I just wanted to rest there until she left (as in broke up) with me.

She remained uncommunicative, and I told her it’s not fair that I’m always the one doing all the talking, and all she ever does is ask questions.  She said “I’m speechless”

The next day she broke up with me, saying that she wanted a family, and knew I’d never provide it.

She was strangely shut down emotionally and uncommicative, and it really was not clear to me what our new status was.  No matter how many times I asked, I could not get her to say it explicitly, and I had to say it for her; she was not going to fuck me anymore.

One day she’s devoted and attentive and in love, if a bit clingy and insecure.

Two days later she’s blocked my contact on her phone.

That made me re-evaluate my idea that my lifestyle is like a vampire, feeding off of the best years of young women’s lives, giving them ultimately pain, for my benefit.

I was right all along.  Love is war, and very rarely is there long term mutual alliance.  Men and women have fundamentally competing interests.

What if lions had empathy for rabbits?  What good would it do the lion?  Or the rabbit?  He still has to eat.

I still need love and sex.  Knowing that this will cause pain can’t change that.  I’m a lion – and I need to eat.

Girls are no less selfish and no less driven by their agendas.  This girl knows that I’m in love with her and that it will hurt me horribly to stop seeing me.  She knows that there is an inevitable cruelty in leaving me to pursue having a family.

And girls can be WAY colder than guys – ice cold.  Not only can they go ghost, if they feel hurt they can get vindictive in ways that no guy would ever in his wildest dreams imagine.  They can be incredibly hurtful, both through neglect and deliberate torture.

Every day that I wake up I wake to pain.  I miss this girl like hell.

And she’s a very sensitive girl, and I know is going through something very similar.  We were bonded mates and best friends and lovers who spent near all of our time together.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but even though I’m currently having sex and currently have another girl who loves me and have other options, relationships are unique.

Which actually brings me to the point of this post, and the reason to write down the whole narrative.

After we broke up we met for a bit and I got fucking furious, because she pulled this childish girl trick of invalidating all of my self and my feelings with this shitty “but that’s not how I feel” maneover.

She always called me Daddy, and liked it.  It gave us a special connection.  She absolutely hated it that I also do that with other girls, and told me that to her that totally invalidated the whole game.  If I felt that way with another girl it could never have been real with her.  If I could love another girl, then any love for her could not possible be “real”.  Ex girlfriends were excluded, and she decided to leave it ambiguous how many minutes must pass between one real love and the next for the next one to be able to become real.

I mentioned the metaphor of what if a real child said to a real parent “I don’t believe that you love me, because you also love my sister”.  And all she could do was say that’s not the same and try to change the subject as quickly as possible.

It made me fucking furious.  I really did love that girl, as a daughter.  For real.  None of HER feelings could change that.  It made no difference whatsoever if to her my love was not real because I could also love others.

It’s completely Borderline Personality Disordered insane – total lack of boundaries between self and other.

“Well, I don’t feel loved, therefore you don’t love me”

Completely invalidate me down to my core – stripping away – quite litterally – my soul.

My love is my soul, and she would so casually and contemptuously and arrogantly tell me that I don’t have a soul, just because she wants me to be incapable of loving anyone other than her.

God I hate that.

That’s a stupid trick so many girls try to use.

“Oh, reality does not fit in with my emotional needs, so reality is wrong”.

Which again gets back to why I really started to resent her.  I don’t mind a girl being jealous.  It’s normal.  I can even put up with a little bit of controlling behaviour in the name of jealousy.  But it’s when that jealousy is normalized as the only real and valid agenda that really bothers me.

Totally invalidates me and my reality and my world.

Sure, she can spout off that I’m free to be me, just not with her, and wave her hand away as if that means she’s not invalidating my core essence.  But it doesn’t work that way.  When I fuck her and she squirts and squirts and we are having the very real religious experiences that only deeply bonded lovers have, she refuses to allow me to be me – for my world to exist.

I do love her, for real, and she knows and feels it.  And she can also have sisters and that changes NOTHING between us.

Because that doesn’t fit in with her evolved agenda, her brain will absolutely not allow those thoughts to be real and true, and therefore not allow me to be real and true.

The only way I was able to spend any time with her at all was to basically lie about who I was – constantly – every minute.  I could not even let my fucking phone ring without it totally freaking her out.  Granted, being caught cheating three times is enough to give a girl in love post traumatic stress disorder, and she was merely trying to protect her property and ground and future.  But still – a little humor please?  Yes, I want to fuck other gils, and no, it does not in any way change or diminish my real feelings.

God, that really fucking bothers me.  Not all girls are like that.  In fact it’s one reason I kind of prefer high socio-sexual score girls.  They might be a higher infidelity risk, but at least they have sympathy for the real human condition.

Monogomy and love have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other.  Sometimes by coincidence they happen at the same time, but there is no causality there.

That wonderful poison

A big part of the pleasure of writing is the feeling of communion.  Communion is an important drug, social need, spiritual experience, component of a sane life.  I get some of my biggest kicks from writing when I succeed in having an audience feeling as if we are sharing the human condition.  That we are not alone.  Someone gets us, understands us, is going through the same thing.

Alcoholism is rather impossible to explain to non-alcoholics.  The videos below are the best I’ve ever seen in giving a sense of why people drink, and how that slowly turns into alcoholism, and how difficult that is to get out of.

A lot of people who stop drinking are helped by lying to themselves.  And if you are going to lie to yourself it’s much easier if you do it by lying, VERY LOUDLY to others.  People say that you can be just as happy and sociable without it.  That you don’t need it.  All you have to do is to learn new habits.  Alcohol is just a “crutch”, that serves no real purpose.

That’s fucking bullshit.  Alcohol is great!  For some of us, especially those with high social anxiety, it is transformative and a godsend.  It quite obviously has an effect. We’ve had experiences with it we’d not have had without it.  Fantastic stuff.

If alcohol wasn’t great, there would be no alcoholics!

I’m a bit lucky, I suppose, in that after long abstinence I don’t get cravings much.  I have my triggers – old haunts that I frequently drank at, including the beach, can bring on a strong desire.  But I don’t have to take things one day at a time as a constant battle against a looming bottle.

Regardless of how much you drink, I think you’ll find these videos either informative or reassuring in how you not alone.

Some of you might also consider the videos as cautionary.  I doubt any alcoholic thought it could ever happen to him.





I take low dose naltrexone before sleep, for immune regulation reasons.  It’s also recommended to combat addiction.

The Ted talk below talks about a woman who used naltrexone in a different way to successfully treat her addiction.

Naltrexone is easy enough to get.








Strong racism in SEA

The stories I could tell about racism in SEA.


I once required a lawyer in Thailand, and had to hire a translator to speak with him. After the meeting the translator told me that the lawyer had told her that he planned to throw me under the bus so that he could keep charging fees while I languished in prison.

The lawyer’s racism was bad enough, but not the incredible thing. The incredible thing is that he assumed that all Thais shared his racism.

I’ve heard it spoken of countless times; racism in SEA is EXTREMELY high.

Of course some Imams are extreme and advocate bombing us, and the Bali bombers actually had quite a bit of support.  I have to wonder what the less extreme Imams impart as permanently ingrained “knowledge” to impressionable young Indonesian minds, and then constantly repeat as the in-group message throughout a lifetime.

It can be fucking scary and dangerous at times. We really aren’t seen as humans, by some people. And many people simply take it for granted that this is a proper attitude.

It’s freaking weird when there is zero empathy.

Watch the youtube if you don’t believe that is is a common feature of the human condition.

Not sure if I’m dying.

In my monastery days one of the monks I lived with had a line that always cracked him up. Whenever someone was talking about illness he’d say “Yup, you’re dying. So am I. We all are.”

It was a Buddhist existential joke.

I’ve had chronic gastritis for a few decades. I think the term is Crohn’s disease, although doctors in Indonesia don’t seem to know that word. With Crohn’s you get flare ups which wipe you out, and times when you can function fairly normally. A bad flare up can kill you, but usually just lays you up in bed, or makes it difficult to focus and work.

I’ve been having a long protracted flare up for many months now. It got so bad I thought that I was dying, so I scraped together some money and snaked a camera down my throat.

Yuck. What an ugly mess down there. That’s not what a stomach is supposed to look like.

Unfortunately after the test I was still wacked out on valium and anesthetic drugs and made a poor choice to not immediately take the biopsy to the clinic for evaluation, reasoning that it would not affect the treatment decisions. I had assumed that cancer could be diagnosed visually. So I’ll have to scrape up more funds for another test to rule that out, as apparently cancer isn’t quite that obvious.

That’s all pretty boring, I know. Everybody dies. The less boring stuff is what happens in the meantime. In the meantime I’m having a hard time focusing.

On the worst days I can take tramadol, a poppy juice type drug, but it isn’t strong enough to kill the pain. It’s weaker and therefore less addictive than drugs that actually work. Indonesia is very cautious about opioid narcotics, and only offers stronger options in a hospital emergency care situation, or sometimes for cancer patient pain management. There is a black market, and there may be ways to work within the system to legally get stronger pain medicine, but the fact is that all effective strong pain medicines are opioids, which are dangerously addictive.

I’m an alcoholic who doesn’t drink, so have some familiarity with addiction. I’d rather pass on opioid addiction. Luckily for now on the worst days I can load up on tramadol, and the pain is tolerable.

It puts me into a semi-sleep state. I can’t actually sleep, but I can’t actually stay awake, so I try really hard to meditate. Every few seconds I’ll start to hallucinate; the bathroom door will turn into a cell phone, then I’ll wrangle my attention back to focusing on a chakra or something. Then after the strongest effects of the drug wear off I have to get real sleep. So I can be in bed for 20 hours.

That’s only happened twice this last month, and usually I can avoid tramadol or take just a few. Luckily for me I’m not that fond of the effects. I do take ultra low dose naltrexone at the same time, which is supposed to kill the euphoria, and retain the pain killing, and help to prevent addiction. And on non-tramadol days I take a larger low dose of the opioid-antagonist naltrexone at night, which helps to regrow the opioid receptors. So far so good – I never think about taking it recreationally, and the next day after a big dose have no interest in loading up again.

The worst part isn’t the pain. It’s that I can’t focus. The low energy level isn’t conducive to work, plus there can be brain fog. And during a flare up any food will put me to sleep within 10 minutes. Sometimes for so long that when I wake up I’m hungry again.

After I eat, food sits against a host of ulcers, and some of that food swims directly into my blood stream, which freaks out all the little people who live in there. The immune defense people scramble around trying to kill the food particles, and get a little indiscriminate in their panic, and wind up attacking healthy tissue, so I have generalized inflammation.

This can and does lead to cardiovascular health problems, and brain degradation. I’ve already had a few mini strokes which has left me partially blind in my left eye. I’ve got psoriasis. I feel that my brain organ is falling apart.

So even if it’s not cancer, I’m still dying. I’m really not sure how long I’ll have my brain.


In the meantime my financial situation has taken a turn. I’m eating, even though I find it difficult to work, but there is a constant background anxiety about that.

And the strangest thing is that I have some enemies who seem to really want to hurt me. I owe some money, and they think that I can pay but just don’t, out of stubbornness and greed.

The people persecuting me seem very emotional. Deadly serious angry. They’ve expressed that they’d really like to see harm and ruin come to me.

It’s difficult to believe that the emotion is all about finances.


People sneak a lot of copyrighted material into the youtube. I was watching a documentary about the making of Easy Rider yesterday. It followed on auto-play after the documentary about the making of Animal House. Which followed after the making of the Blues Brothers movie.

If you are familiar with Easy Rider you’ll know it’s one of those entertainment features that introduced many new ways of looking at and conveying the world. Firsts in music and movies and any field engender a sense of awe and respect for the genius of vision, but of course at the time of production are strongly resisted. Which from the vantage of retrospect heightens our respect, for the courage of conviction while at odds with the system.

The theme of Easy Rider was how the hippies and bikers were seen as degenerate outsiders and so were treated with extreme malevolence. The final scene had the heroes (or anti-heroes) shot dead by red-neck strangers as they rode their choppers down a country two lane highway.

The strongest scene in the movie used real towns-folk in a real diner using their own real dialogue talking about the interlopers. Nasty slander slung freely. The girls reactions to the long haired strangers were also genuine; they were highly flirtatious.

In the Animal House documentary they recounted a story of how the crew had joined a frat house party. The frat boys were not at all pleased to have the interlopers there, and tensions were rising. The story ends with all of the crew getting a beating by the frat boys and having to run away from the party, and then being chased for several blocks.

Flash forward and of course the Easy Rider crew and the Animal House crew are now cultural icons; a living part of how we think of our own personal identity.

But to the local men at the time they were simply poachers.

Emotions ran EXTREMELY high.

In the documentary about Easy Rider it was explained that the ending was not hyperbole. Some of the crew felt that some of the real people in that diner would like to and may be capable of the gruesome anonymous road-side murder.

For the Animal House true-tale, the frat boys were ganging up as a group and beating up people that they knew were actors, there to make a movie on their campus, about campus life.

In those situations, you can’t really sit down and diffuse tensions with explanations.


It would be easy to make parallels between my usually non-monogamous self living in Indonesia, and the Easy Rider and Animal House interlopers.


There is also a thing called narcissistic rage.

There is an ancient Buddhist text, written in India or Tibet or somewhere near there, that is written as a biography of the historical yogi Milarepa. It’s full of wonderful miraculous fairy tales, but as all good fairy tales is also high literature and a commentary on the human condition.

Our Buddhist group used to set aside a block of a few days each year to get together and chant the full book. I don’t recall much conversation about it, but I think a lot of us basically took the fairy tales at face value. The guy would sometimes fly. At the very least we believed he did spend a lot of time meditating in solitude in cold places with little food or clothing. That part probably was true, and is a weird type of hero’s journey.

I was reminded of one of the tales recently, thinking of the people who wish ill to me. I consider them to be genuinely dangerous people, and I really have no idea what to do about it.

I’m going to interrupt myself.

Marc Maron interviewed David Spade, and David recounted a story with hints of the scene from Joe Dirt, where he was in the wrong pit at the wrong time, being told “It puts the lotion on it’s skin!” The true story David tells is that he had a personal assistant who one night showed up at his house and tried to kill him. He had to physically fight, and run, and fight, and was eventually able to get enough distance to run into a room that had his shotgun under the bed. Otherwise no David Spade.

I put the “it puts the lotion on it’s skin” story together with the crazed with jealousy friend trying to kill him story together for a reason. It’s too easy to blame the victim.

When that former employee arrived at his house with murderous intent, nothing could have been said to assuage his anger.

Which is the point of this next Milarepa tale. Milarepa meets an old hag on the street, who just starts to abuse him.

After each abusive action she does, he uses plain descriptive language to tell her what she just did.

Instead of leading to introspection or remorse, this seems to enrage the hag even more.

Which is why before telling these tales I introduced the anchor of narcissistic rage.

Sometimes even mentioning that you are being wrongfully persecuted will completely enrage someone.

I’ve seen it first hand with a girl I once dated who had BPD. If you’ve no direct experience with this you’ll find it simply unbelievable, and not part of the human condition. With a cluster B spectrum personality disordered person, if you use plain descriptive non-judgmental language to recount one of their bad actions, and ever so gently suggest not to repeat such an action, they will fucking blow up.

There are situations in which you simply can’t use words to make antagonists back off.

David had a guy in his house trying to murder him.

I’ve got people who, I’m sure, would not only like to see me dead, but would prefer if I suffered first.

This does not make me sleep better at night, and again I’m sure that’s some small source of pleasure for them.

And I think that simply mentioning that fact is very dangerous, because it most likely would simply enrage them.

Christopher Hitchens as ultimate comedian

I have some friends that I’ll never meet.

I can’t confide in them. We can’t commiserate or rejoice or share experiences or silences. They can’t slice through my bullshit or pat me on the back.

They aren’t all good people, and that helps me to feel a bit more brotherly that no one quite is.

Recently I’ve discovered Mark Maron and his comedy work and his podcasts where he interviews comedians, and spends much pod-time laying bare his neurotic mind.

Through Mark I’ve been re-examining the works of comedians.

Youtube knows my interests, and so when I’m watching comedians, my other favorites will show up in the right hand play list option.

After Eddy Murphy and Robin Williams Hitchens will autoplay.

It’s the same thing, only better. What an improvisationalist! He blows away comedians who “improv” out of material they’ve been honing against an audience for years or decades. Wit.

To my mind, it’s a similar thrill. Wit is a tickle. I rarely laugh out loud, but like the slow steady tickle.

I have a growing list of intellectuals and scientists who have a capacity to tickle. That capacity is of course cultivated from many years of study and speaking and writing, coupled with an outstanding birthright.

Hitchens, among many others, is a stand out talent.

To me that makes him my friend. A type of hero – someone I want to study, emulate, learn from, and share the best parts of the human condition with.

Along with many other fathers, I’m a child of his legacy. Or aspire to be.

And it’s not about political aliance. It’s HOW he thinks and expresses, not WHAT he thinks and expresses.

Same with Mark Maron. That guy is a fucked up dickhead. But it’s HOW he’s a fucked up dick-head that matters. A lot to learn from Mark too.

Introverts think that books are friends, and they are. The writers are close to us and become part of us.

Must read Google memo on gender

Reply to public response and misrepresentation

I value diversity and inclusion, am not denying that sexism exists, and don’t endorse using stereotypes. When addressing the gap in representation in the population, we need to look at population level differences in distributions. If we can’t have an honest discussion about this, then we can never truly solve the problem. Psychological safety is built on mutual respect and acceptance, but unfortunately our culture of shaming and misrepresentation is disrespectful and unaccepting of anyone outside its echo chamber. Despite what the public response seems to have been, I’ve gotten many personal messages from fellow Googlers expressing their gratitude for bringing up these very important issues which they agree with but would never have the courage to say or defend because of our shaming culture and the possibility of being fired. This needs to change.


  • Google’s political bias has equated the freedom from offense with psychological safety, but shaming into silence is the antithesis of psychological safety.
  • This silencing has created an ideological echo chamber where some ideas are too sacred to be honestly discussed.
  • The lack of discussion fosters the most extreme and authoritarian elements of this ideology.
  • Extreme: all disparities in representation are due to oppression
  • Authoritarian: we should discriminate to correct for this oppression
  • Differences in distributions of traits between men and women may in part explain why we don’t have 50% representation of women in tech and leadership. Discrimination to reach equal representation is unfair, divisive, and bad for business.

Background [1]

People generally have good intentions, but we all have biases which are invisible to us. Thankfully, open and honest discussion with those who disagree can highlight our blind spots and help us grow, which is why I wrote this document.[2] Google has several biases and honest discussion about these biases is being silenced by the dominant ideology. What follows is by no means the complete story, but it’s a perspective that desperately needs to be told at Google.

Google’s biases

At Google, we talk so much about unconscious bias as it applies to race and gender, but we rarely discuss our moral biases. Political orientation is actually a result of deep moral preferences and thus biases. Considering that the overwhelming majority of the social sciences, media, and Google lean left, we should critically examine these prejudices.

Left Biases

  • Compassion for the weak
  • Disparities are due to injustices
  • Humans are inherently cooperative
  • Change is good (unstable)
  • Open
  • Idealist

Right Biases

  • Respect for the strong/authority
  • Disparities are natural and just
  • Humans are inherently competitive
  • Change is dangerous (stable)
  • Closed
  • Pragmatic

Neither side is 100% correct and both viewpoints are necessary for a functioning society or, in this case, company. A company too far to the right may be slow to react, overly hierarchical, and untrusting of others. In contrast, a company too far to the left will constantly be changing (deprecating much loved services), over diversify its interests (ignoring or being ashamed of its core business), and overly trust its employees and competitors.

Only facts and reason can shed light on these biases, but when it comes to diversity and inclusion, Google’s left bias has created a politically correct monoculture that maintains its hold by shaming dissenters into silence. This silence removes any checks against encroaching extremist and authoritarian policies. For the rest of this document, I’ll concentrate on the extreme stance that all differences in outcome are due to differential treatment and the authoritarian element that’s required to actually discriminate to create equal representation.

Possible non-bias causes of the gender gap in tech [3]

At Google, we’re regularly told that implicit (unconscious) and explicit biases are holding women back in tech and leadership. Of course, men and women experience bias, tech, and the workplace differently and we should be cognizant of this, but it’s far from the whole story.

On average, men and women biologically differ in many ways. These differences aren’t just socially constructed because:

  • They’re universal across human cultures
  • They often have clear biological causes and links to prenatal testosterone
  • Biological males that were castrated at birth and raised as females often still identify and act like males
  • The underlying traits are highly heritable
  • They’re exactly what we would predict from an evolutionary psychology perspective

Note, I’m not saying that all men differ from women in the following ways or that these differences are “just.” I’m simply stating that the distribution of preferences and abilities of men and women differ in part due to biological causes and that these differences may explain why we don’t see equal representation of women in tech and leadership. Many of these differences are small and there’s significant overlap between men and women, so you can’t say anything about an individual given these population level distributions.

Personality differences

Women, on average, have more:

  • Openness directed towards feelings and aesthetics rather than ideas. Women generally also have a stronger interest in people rather than things, relative to men (also interpreted as empathizing vs. systemizing).
  • These two differences in part explain why women relatively prefer jobs in social or artistic areas. More men may like coding because it requires systemizing and even within SWEs, comparatively more women work on front end, which deals with both people and aesthetics.
  • Extraversion expressed as gregariousness rather than assertiveness. Also, higher agreeableness.
  • This leads to women generally having a harder time negotiating salary, asking for raises, speaking up, and leading. Note that these are just average differences and there’s overlap between men and women, but this is seen solely as a women’s issue. This leads to exclusory programs like Stretch and swaths of men without support.
  • Neuroticism (higher anxiety, lower stress tolerance).This may contribute to the higher levels of anxiety women report on Googlegeist and to the lower number of women in high stress jobs.

Note that contrary to what a social constructionist would argue, research suggests that “greater nation-level gender equality leads to psychological dissimilarity in men’s and women’s personality traits.” Because as “society becomes more prosperous and more egalitarian, innate dispositional differences between men and women have more space to develop and the gap that exists between men and women in their personality becomes wider.” We need to stop assuming that gender gaps imply sexism.

Men’s higher drive for status

We always ask why we don’t see women in top leadership positions, but we never ask why we see so many men in these jobs. These positions often require long, stressful hours that may not be worth it if you want a balanced and fulfilling life.

Status is the primary metric that men are judged on[4], pushing many men into these higher paying, less satisfying jobs for the status that they entail. Note, the same forces that lead men into high pay/high stress jobs in tech and leadership cause men to take undesirable and dangerous jobs like coal mining, garbage collection, and firefighting, and suffer 93% of work-related deaths.

Non-discriminatory ways to reduce the gender gap

Below I’ll go over some of the differences in distribution of traits between men and women that I outlined in the previous section and suggest ways to address them to increase women’s representation in tech and without resorting to discrimination. Google is already making strides in many of these areas, but I think it’s still instructive to list them:

  • Women on average show a higher interest in people and men in things
  • We can make software engineering more people-oriented with pair programming and more collaboration. Unfortunately, there may be limits to how people-oriented certain roles and Google can be and we shouldn’t deceive ourselves or students into thinking otherwise (some of our programs to get female students into coding might be doing this).
  • Women on average are more cooperative
  • Allow those exhibiting cooperative behavior to thrive. Recent updates to Perf may be doing this to an extent, but maybe there’s more we can do. This doesn’t mean that we should remove all competitiveness from Google. Competitiveness and self reliance can be valuable traits and we shouldn’t necessarily disadvantage those that have them, like what’s been done in education. Women on average are more prone to anxiety. Make tech and leadership less stressful. Google already partly does this with its many stress reduction courses and benefits.
  • Women on average look for more work-life balance while men have a higher drive for status on average
  • Unfortunately, as long as tech and leadership remain high status, lucrative careers, men may disproportionately want to be in them. Allowing and truly endorsing (as part of our culture) part time work though can keep more women in tech.
  • The male gender role is currently inflexible
  • Feminism has made great progress in freeing women from the female gender role, but men are still very much tied to the male gender role. If we, as a society, allow men to be more “feminine,” then the gender gap will shrink, although probably because men will leave tech and leadership for traditionally feminine roles.

Philosophically, I don’t think we should do arbitrary social engineering of tech just to make it appealing to equal portions of both men and women. For each of these changes, we need principles reasons for why it helps Google; that is, we should be optimizing for Google—with Google’s diversity being a component of that. For example currently those trying to work extra hours or take extra stress will inevitably get ahead and if we try to change that too much, it may have disastrous consequences. Also, when considering the costs and benefits, we should keep in mind that Google’s funding is finite so its allocation is more zero-sum than is generally acknowledged.

The Harm of Google’s biases

I strongly believe in gender and racial diversity, and I think we should strive for more. However, to achieve a more equal gender and race representation, Google has created several discriminatory practices:

  • Programs, mentoring, and classes only for people with a certain gender or race [5]
  • A high priority queue and special treatment for “diversity” candidates
  • Hiring practices which can effectively lower the bar for “diversity” candidates by decreasing the false negative rate
  • Reconsidering any set of people if it’s not “diverse” enough, but not showing that same scrutiny in the reverse direction (clear confirmation bias)
  • Setting org level OKRs for increased representation which can incentivize illegal discrimination [6]

These practices are based on false assumptions generated by our biases and can actually increase race and gender tensions. We’re told by senior leadership that what we’re doing is both the morally and economically correct thing to do, but without evidence this is just veiled left ideology[7] that can irreparably harm Google.

Why we’re blind

We all have biases and use motivated reasoning to dismiss ideas that run counter to our internal values. Just as some on the Right deny science that runs counter to the “God > humans > environment” hierarchy (e.g., evolution and climate change) the Left tends to deny science concerning biological differences between people (e.g., IQ[8] and sex differences). Thankfully, climate scientists and evolutionary biologists generally aren’t on the right. Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of humanities and social scientists learn left (about 95%), which creates enormous confirmation bias, changes what’s being studied, and maintains myths like social constructionism and the gender wage gap[9]. Google’s left leaning makes us blind to this bias and uncritical of its results, which we’re using to justify highly politicized programs.

In addition to the Left’s affinity for those it sees as weak, humans are generally biased towards protecting females. As mentioned before, this likely evolved because males are biologically disposable and because women are generally more cooperative and areeable than men. We have extensive government and Google programs, fields of study, and legal and social norms to protect women, but when a man complains about a gender issue issue [sic] affecting men, he’s labelled as a misogynist and whiner[10]. Nearly every difference between men and women is interpreted as a form of women’s oppression. As with many things in life, gender differences are often a case of “grass being greener on the other side”; unfortunately, taxpayer and Google money is spent to water only one side of the lawn.

The same compassion for those seen as weak creates political correctness[11], which constrains discourse and is complacent to the extremely sensitive PC-authoritarians that use violence and shaming to advance their cause. While Google hasn’t harbored the violent leftists protests that we’re seeing at universities, the frequent shaming in TGIF and in our culture has created the same silence, psychologically unsafe environment.


I hope it’s clear that I’m not saying that diversity is bad, that Google or society is 100% fair, that we shouldn’t try to correct for existing biases, or that minorities have the same experience of those in the majority. My larger point is that we have an intolerance for ideas and evidence that don’t fit a certain ideology. I’m also not saying that we should restrict people to certain gender roles; I’m advocating for quite the opposite: treat people as individuals, not as just another member of their group (tribalism).

My concrete suggestions are to:

De-moralize diversity.

  • As soon as we start to moralize an issue, we stop thinking about it in terms of costs and benefits, dismiss anyone that disagrees as immoral, and harshly punish those we see as villains to protect the “victims.”

Stop alienating conservatives.

  • Viewpoint diversity is arguably the most important type of diversity and political orientation is one of the most fundamental and significant ways in which people view things differently.
  • In highly progressive environments, conservatives are a minority that feel like they need to stay in the closet to avoid open hostility. We should empower those with different ideologies to be able to express themselves.
  • Alienating conservatives is both non-inclusive and generally bad business because conservatives tend to be higher in conscientiousness, which is require for much of the drudgery and maintenance work characteristic of a mature company.

Confront Google’s biases.

  • I’ve mostly concentrated on how our biases cloud our thinking about diversity and inclusion, but our moral biases are farther reaching than that.
  • I would start by breaking down Googlegeist scores by political orientation and personality to give a fuller picture into how our biases are affecting our culture.

Stop restricting programs and classes to certain genders or races.

  • These discriminatory practices are both unfair and divisive. Instead focus on some of the non-discriminatory practices I outlined.

Have an open and honest discussion about the costs and benefits of our diversity programs.

  • Discriminating just to increase the representation of women in tech is as misguided and biased as mandating increases for women’s representation in the homeless, work-related and violent deaths, prisons, and school dropouts.
  • There’s currently very little transparency into the extend of our diversity programs which keeps it immune to criticism from those outside its ideological echo chamber.
  • These programs are highly politicized which further alienates non-progressives.
  • I realize that some of our programs may be precautions against government accusations of discrimination, but that can easily backfire since they incentivize illegal discrimination.

Focus on psychological safety, not just race/gender diversity.

  • We should focus on psychological safety, which has shown positive effects and should (hopefully) not lead to unfair discrimination.
  • We need psychological safety and shared values to gain the benefits of diversity
  • Having representative viewpoints is important for those designing and testing our products, but the benefits are less clear for those more removed from UX.

De-emphasize empathy.

  • I’ve heard several calls for increased empathy on diversity issues. While I strongly support trying to understand how and why people think the way they do, relying on affective empathy—feeling another’s pain—causes us to focus on anecdotes, favor individuals similar to us, and harbor other irrational and dangerous biases. Being emotionally unengaged helps us better reason about the facts.

Prioritize intention.

  • Our focus on microaggressions and other unintentional transgressions increases our sensitivity, which is not universally positive: sensitivity increases both our tendency to take offense and our self censorship, leading to authoritarian policies. Speaking up without the fear of being harshly judged is central to psychological safety, but these practices can remove that safety by judging unintentional transgressions.
  • Microaggression training incorrectly and dangerously equates speech with violence and isn’t backed by evidence.

Be open about the science of human nature.

  • Once we acknowledge that not all differences are socially constructed or due to discrimination, we open our eyes to a more accurate view of the human condition which is necessary if we actually want to solve problems.

Reconsider making Unconscious Bias training mandatory for promo committees.

  • We haven’t been able to measure any effect of our Unconscious Bias training and it has the potential for overcorrecting or backlash, especially if made mandatory.
  • Some of the suggested methods of the current training (v2.3) are likely useful, but the political bias of the presentation is clear from the factual inaccuracies and the examples shown.
  • Spend more time on the many other types of biases besides stereotypes. Stereotypes are much more accurate and responsive to new information than the training suggests (I’m not advocating for using stereotypes, I [sic] just pointing out the factual inaccuracy of what’s said in the training).

[1] This document is mostly written from the perspective of Google’s Mountain View campus, I can’t speak about other offices or countries.

[2] Of course, I may be biased and only see evidence that supports my viewpoint. In terms of political biases, I consider myself a classical liberal and strongly value individualism and reason. I’d be very happy to discuss any of the document further and provide more citations.

[3] Throughout the document, by “tech”, I mostly mean software engineering.

[4] For heterosexual romantic relationships, men are more strongly judged by status and women by beauty. Again, this has biological origins and is culturally universal.

[5] Stretch, BOLD, CSSI, Engineering Practicum (to an extent), and several other Google funded internal and external programs are for people with a certain gender or race.

[6] Instead set Googlegeist OKRs, potentially for certain demographics. We can increase representation at an org level by either making it a better environment for certain groups (which would be seen in survey scores) or discriminating based on a protected status (which is illegal and I’ve seen it done). Increased representation OKRs can incentivize the latter and create zero-sum struggles between orgs.

[7] Communism promised to be both morally and economically superior to capitalism, but every attempt became morally corrupt and an economic failure. As it became clear that the working class of the liberal democracies wasn’t going to overthrow their “capitalist oppressors,” the Marxist intellectuals transitioned from class warfare to gender and race politics. The core oppressor-oppressed dynamics remained, but now the oppressor is the “white, straight, cis-gendered patriarchy.”

[8] Ironically, IQ tests were initially championed by the Left when meritocracy meant helping the victims of the aristocracy.

[9] Yes, in a national aggregate, women have lower salaries than men for a variety of reasons. For the same work though, women get paid just as much as men. Considering women spend more money than men and that salary represents how much the employees sacrifices (e.g. more hours, stress, and danger), we really need to rethink our stereotypes around power.

[10] “The traditionalist system of gender does not deal well with the idea of men needing support. Men are expected to be strong, to not complain, and to deal with problems on their own. Men’s problems are more often seen as personal failings rather than victimhood,, due to our gendered idea of agency. This discourages men from bringing attention to their issues (whether individual or group-wide issues), for fear of being seen as whiners, complainers, or weak.”

[11] Political correctness is defined as “the avoidance of forms of expression or action that are perceived to exclude, marginalize, or insult groups of people who are socially disadvantaged or discriminated against,” which makes it clear why it’s a phenomenon of the Left and a tool of authoritarians.



Background: https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/article/ywpamw/internal-reaction-to-google-employees-manifesto-show-anti-diversity-views-have-support

Update: The author was quickly fired.

I had no idea things could possibly ever get this bad. Fired?

That just blows me away. I do not understand the human condition; I can’t possibly understand it. He could not have been fired.

I find the writing instructive; and not because it points out red or purple or green or blue or yellow pill truths. But because it aims to be and I think does an exemplary job of being balanced.

I find it to be very fine writing, and I’m proud to be of the same species of someone who can write like that.

Introduction to maitri

I just woke from a dream where I was explaining the meditation practice that I’d been doing.

“I was feeling sweet in my heart, like sunshine, but while you are safe in your room. Sweet like Winnie the Pooh.” In the dream the image flashed to seeing a crib by the window, and I was taken back to innocent carefree memories of feeling safe and loved and self loved and sweet.

I used to hang out in large crowds of Buddhists who practiced Tonglen, and studied about Maitri, Bodhicitta, Vipassana, and Prajna. During the daily Tonglen practice, we would breath in and feel in our hearts various negative feelings, and then breath out the most positive. People were taught to breathe in the negative feelings of other people, and help them by transforming them to positive ones that were given out, but I never quite saw the point of that. I just did it in the abstract; the emotions were mine and I had no pretensions to be saving the world with them.

Many years later I came to the conclusion that all that fine feeling into breathing in the bad feelings was over-doing it, and reinforcing circuits of feeling bad. It’s great to be sensitive to your heart, and great to have abilities to conjure up and quickly transform and change moods within that felt emotional organ, but creating and maintaining intricate castles of negative emotion over and over is kinda dumb.

Later I learned the Chi-kung (as far as I know all Chinese meditations are called chi-kung, just as all Indian meditations are called yoga) of the inner smile. It was tonglen without the in-breath. You simply focus on the heart and feel a smile there.

At age twelve I had discovered the hypnosis section of the library, and after much study and practice of self hypnosis created some of my own self hypnosis tapes. They were about feeling love in various parts of my body. I distinctly also recall that masturbation at that time was often very loving.

At age 11 my Grandparents flew me out to visit them. Meeting and spending time with my Grandma was a life changing – whole being changing – event. She is literally incredibly loving. For the first time in my life I could share strong love with a maternal figure. That’s how it’s supposed to be! So obvious, so natural, and absent my whole life! God, had I craved and missed that, year after year.

At age 6 I sometimes would cry myself to sleep out of want for maternal love. Even explaining that to my mother at the time had no effect. She could see my tears and I was quite articulate and precocious and explained perfectly well why I was crying.

She just wasn’t capable of love.

There are some evil memes in the manosphere. Truly evil.

1) Alpha fucks and beta bucks
2) Dark triad traits are useful to incorporate into seduction and by extention life

Recently burned or forever spurned impressionable men externalize their suffering and blame women for only really being sexually attracted to “thugs”, and feel undervalued for their family oriented concerns.


Genuinely EVIL.

I’ve explained in this blog many times why the ideas are more wrong than right, so I won’t repeat here.

I have met many people who chanced upon meeting some Tibetan lama in an airplane or somewhere, who were so blown away by the Maitri emanating from the man that they had full body mind expanding and blowing experiences that not only altered their conception of reality but caused an immediate and dramatic alteration to the course of their lives.

Loving kindness is HUGE!
Imagine if you had just 1/10th of the power of loving kindness that those great Tibetan masters had? How much more helpful for seduction than narcissism, psycopathy, and machiavelianism would that be?

I can tell you with authority that many Tibetan teachers get laid like rock stars. Of course the status of the position is a big part of it, but they honestly believe, and it can be honestly true, that they are teaching at their highest ability lessons of the highest caliber during sex and relationship.

If I could bottle just the fruits of my 30 years of kundalini and chi-kung practice, I’d be wealthy beyond measure. You can’t buy a drug that allows you to shoot energy up your spine at will. You can’t download a video movie, game, or porn that fills the heart with a precious jewel. There is no mechanical sexual technique and not even the hottest and most expert sex partner will bring about the 1000 times more powerful strong intense ecstasies of chi-kung sex.

Imagine a girl who was incapable of love, and incapable of any relationship other than physical flings or using guys for reward. It won’t be hard, and I’m sure you know her name.

Are you that girl, with a dick?

Imagine your dream girl. How does she behave around you, your friends, parents, and children.

Are you that girl with a dick?

Your dream girl is complex and evolved. If she was not well brought up she had to do a lot of work to bring her self up and fix all the broken pieces and put them together properly.

She is loving, highly erotic, friendly, and fun to be around.

People are extremely good at picking up on subtle cues. Being loving is a profound ability. Most people not only can’t do it, but have no idea what it would even begin to feel like.

Love is not a want for attention. It isn’t being jealous. It isn’t longing. It’s something that you can feel when you are completely alone, with no object to love – not even a teddy bear. It a feeling in your heart, an inner glowing smile, that is sweet, and a bit sad. That feeling can grow until your heart can no longer encompass it, and it spreads out past your chest and down through your arms into your palms, and out your eyes, until it seems to come back at you from the colors that are all around.


I’m recently recovering from psychopaths working to steal from and ruin and persecute me. And hanging around too much with unworthy women. I actually needed to shut down and not feel so much. I did a lot of drinking and some pharmaceuitcals to take the edge off at first.

I stopped all drinking three months ago, and have better companionship. The psychopaths are at bay, and I’m living semi-retired while I slowly convalesce and get my nervous system towards normal.

Now I’ve taken up chi-kung again.

It’s always freshly dramatic and amazing the differences of being embodied in a chi-kung body compared to a normal one.

If I tried to explain it it would be so far outside of others experience that a good percentage would think it was pure fabrication. Another good percentage would blow it off as the self indulgent hallucinations of a talented mad man.

Squeeze your thumb right now, 70% as hard as you can. That is how much sensation I currently feel, while typing this, at the base of my spine.

And that’s nothing; that’s just sitting here. If I were to continue my practice deeply for three months I’d build up complex systems of fantom limbs that were wired in through the kinesthetic sense to map onto using synethesia many aspects of what is normally subconscious. Very fine emotional and energetic control, and profoundly more present being and feeling.

I don’t like to be that way unless I have access to lots of high quality sex with partners who are up to it. When you get that plugged in to energies, you don’t go through periods of getting sexually aroused, and then release. There is no off switch. You are always horny. And the chi-kung starts to continue even during sleep.

It’s not good to feel strongly when your life is pushing you to feel bad. I need things around me to be in order for all of that, and they pretty well are now.

I used to fear that I’d die without ever passing any of this info along. Luckily one of my interns was a quick study student. I gave him a nudge in the right direction, and his self learning took off.

It’s a shame that the seduction community has not picked up on the meditative technologies.

The meditative techs usually work by amplifying ancient evolved mental circuits. In particular there are devotional meditations, which hijack our wiring to love parental figures. There are loving kindness meditations, which build upon the foundations of feeling paternal love.

And Tibetans have some secret meditations that incorporate hot young bodies and lust.

It’s quite a lot easier to incorporate love into life with a woman. Love plus lust is powerful. Women love to be looked upon with a gaze that eats them up in appreciation by a man who emmanates both dangerous self interest and a profundity of warmth.

How noticing how grief works can unlock your inner potential

From this thread:

Yes, if you read my post carefully, you’ll see that I took pains, many times, to say that fucking other girls lowers grief and speeds up the grieving process.

So ya, you seem to want to make this black and white and then argue against a straw man.

However there are still areas in which we disagree, and I thought I was clear about them in the post. I don’t think you can sidestep the disagreements with semantics.

Your semantic argument is that on the continuum of amplitudes of grief, the lower levels are so qualitatively different as to merit a different mental category, and therefore different word.

You then take that as the jumping off point to leap to saying that low level grief is unimportant of any consideration.

So with semantics (deciding what words mean what) you hand-wave away the fundamental issue that I’m addressing, which is:

Grief is relative to
1) the strength of the relationship bond
2) how unique the girl is to your life

You are arguing that no girl can be unique to your life.

I made quite the bold prediction. I said

Also, if you have not yet experienced grief with a girl, or not yet while you also are fucking other girls, don’t get too cocky. You will. Sooner or later, you will.

Strangely enough you replied

No you are wrong. I experienced grief.

Which again shows that you are not reading for comprehension. Must be an emotional issue for you.

I never said you have never experienced grief.

I’m not sure how many re-reads it would take to understand what I said. I won’t bother to copy the same sentence over and over, but will trust you can this time read for comprehension.

Now that we know that you have experienced grief before, it gives me more confidence in my prediction. Sooner or later you will experience grief over losing a girl, even though you are still fucking (or can easily find and fuck) other girls.

The reason I can state this with some confidence is because:
Grief is relative to
1) the strength of the relationship bond
2) how unique the girl is to your life

Sooner or later you’ll date a girl who is hotter and funnier and younger and more into you than other girls. You’ll have stronger emotions for her. If you fuck her quite often, you’ll be more bonded to her than other girls.

You’ll quickly realize that your emotions are not broadcast homogeneously onto all females, but that you have unique relationships with individuals. You’ll feel loss for a specific girl, even though you still have other girls. Because they aren’t the same girl, and they are not the same relationship.

How long have you been spinning plates, and how often do you fuck the girls that you date?

I suspect it’s only been a few years, and that there is no girl that you fuck all that often in the time that you’ve been dating around. Or that if there was, you weren’t really all that into her.

There is a reason I’m taking pains to make this point. Your life will go better for you if you accept the reality of who you are and how your mind and emotions work.

If you truly don’t want grief, then you’ll need to do more to avoid it than simply having many women in your life. You’ll need to avoid:
1) growing strong relationship bonds
2) girls who are unique to your life

The mind and emotions have some broad cause and effect rules. Drop a ball and it falls, every time. Lose a unique bond to a loved one, and you’ll feel (some level) of grief, every time.

The other reason that your life will go better if you realize this inevitable cause and effect nature of how your mind was evolved to work, is that your relationship to emotions will have a subtle seismic shift, and you’ll approach your own emotions at a different angle.

You’ll come to see emotions not as something to dominate, but as something to co-operate with.

You seem to want to have so much control over your life that you can avoid grief altogether.

That’s almost nonsensical. The mind just doesn’t work like that. We EXPERIENCE emotions, much more than we create them. We are in partnership with the part of mind that emotes, and there is no meditative or life crafting technology that enables ANYONE to CONTROL emotions.

That’s actually quite important to not only realize, but to incorporate into your personal relationship with your self.

If you begin to learn how to make friends with your many subconscious processes, you’ll empower those processes to speak to you directly and in a friendly fashion. There is incredible power in your mind, and it is a beautiful lifetimes work to integrate the mind to allow these powers out. The parts of your mind that have vivid creative dreams can speak to you and surprise you while you are awake.

But if you continue to take this adversarial stance against these parts of your mind, and continue to enthrone the seat of your “self” in a fixed position in a very tiny little corner of your mind, which is your conscious narrative, then you’ll not begin to unlock your full creative, insightful, massively multi-parallel processing systems.

If you want to CONTROL your emotions, you want to shut up and turn off and segment amazing and useful parts of your self.

It’s much more pragmatic to make friends with them. Consider your mind as if it were a group of people, each with specific talents. As with any group, there must be a fine balance between co-ordination and free-flowing contribution. You can’t maximize group progress with a heavy handed dictatorial relationship. It falls apart and does not work.

All of us have experienced being overwhelmed by emotions. A sign of a kindergarten rank-beginner level of driving ones own mind is being so fearful of wallowing that a fight or flight level reaction of shutting down happens. Repression.

You don’t have to gas your inner Kurds, and you don’t have to run a strong man government.

You can mature and let emotions happen, even strongly, without risk of wallowing or being unduly incapacitated. It’s a matter of developing circuits of amplification, repression, and feeding the circuits into many different parts of the mind, including the neocortex. Emotional regulation has actually been studied at the level of seeing neuronal circuits, and there is a physical feedback loop between the amygdala and frontal cortex.

Those circuits will forever remain at kindergarten level until you go through the painful process of building them, and you start by feeling into what is there.

Minor grief is one among endless opportunities to shift the seat of self away from the frontal cortex and into the connections between the different mind modules.

Why I love the idea of marriage, and never will.

Nash said:

— Most marriages end in divorce
— Most married folks don’t have sex
— I like variety
— I’m not excited about watching my “hot girl” get old, and not so hot
— Most married people live boring, “married” lives

I had a mate who I was noticeably more happy with; it was a standout year of a quality never seen before or since. That was K, the now still dead girl who would orgasm spontaneously at the grocery store checkout line.

I had plans to give her a baby and a house that I would sometimes visit, after we were finished with our honeymoon period in a few years.

She understood when I explained to her that the main reason that I did not want to marry is because marriage kills passion. I didn’t spend a lot of time explaining the mechanics of how and why this happens, but just asked her to think of all the married people she’d ever met.

Girls WANT to believe that marriage can be passionate, but that simple mind exercise makes short work of the fantasy and replaces it with image after image of a gruesome, sad, boring reality. Marriages are not passionate.

I like passion.

People who prefer marriage can explain to me until I’m nauseous that passion is just a relationship phase. I don’t care about “growing up”. I care about passion.

I know lots of tricks to extend passion as long as possible. I’ve done it for well past the usual cut-off date of six months. With M we had a growing very strong passion for over 4 years, and then a few years of declining passion after that while we were apart and seeing others. At our peak, four years into it, it was 2-5 times a day orgasmic and multi orgasmic tantric sex passion. And just holding her hand in the taxi cab amplified and reminded me of the love that infused my life. She still laughed with puppy dog eyes at my jokes.

If we got married her body would have no reason to seduce me with that. She’d get lazy about keeping me. She’d be out of “aquisitive mode”, and be into complacency mode.

Fuck that.

Marriage is a great idea; as a carrot. Even when I explain that I’ll never marry, most girls refuse to believe it, and so remain in acquisitive mode. I thank the concept of marriage for that.

I like playing house, and I like everything that could be good about marriage. And I often get all of it.

But it’s a sand-castle, and the surest way to call in the rising tide is to actually get married.

Is grief avoidable? The case against find and fuck.

Having friends, the support of a rounded lifestyle, other women, and a steady supply of regular sex all helps us tremendously when facing the inevitable rough patches.

It does help to find and fuck other girls, after troubles with one. Or better yet to have more than one on tap at all times.

Still, I find something disingenuous and philosophically troubling about the idea that if we find and fuck other girls, that this is a cure for heartbreak.

First off, because it’s a lie.

Even if you are doing everything possible to not fixate on a girl you have formed healthy (or unhealthy) strong bonds with, grief is going to hang around for a while.

It’s not a sign that you’ve made a mistake, or that you are making a mistake.

I think it’s not a straightforward healthy relationship to life to see suffering as a mistake. It’s not.

Nor is it required of anyone to form bonds and ruminate over loss. I’m just saying that grief is a process that happens. It is what it is. It’s not a matter of judgement or repair.

Of course no one wants to feel bad, and feeling better asap is better. If anything at all is bad, it’s got to be suffering.

But my experience says that to love is to lose is to suffer. It’s like a law of gravity. You can’t repair gravity with an attitude or lifestyle. It just is.

I can’t yet put my finger on why I’m feeling there is some profound importance to the distinction that speeding up and taking the edge off of grief is great, but is NOT A CURE for grief.

Find and fuck other girls speeds up an INEVITABLE grieving process. It doesn’t cure grief.

You can’t cure grief.

Let’s look at it from the point of view of broken bonds. When parents lose one of their children, it’s common for strong grief to last many years, and even forever. No matter how many other children they have. No matter how rich their social and other lifestyle supports.

And so it is with girls; you might be dating three, but losing one of them can still be huge, for a time. Having others doesn’t fill some hole in our soul – the loss of a bond is unique and particular.

If that’s not your own experience, that’s cool. I’m not about telling anyone what to feel. I’m not omniscient, and I’m not everyone else.

The health industry is learning to tailor medicines to genotypes.

I predict that relationship advice will eventually discover that the human condition is as homogeneous as the human gene pool – we’ll need tailored advice to match our emotional genotypes.

My pet peeve is that red pill concepts that initially were based in reality have become traded around as icons and lost touch with reality. The territory has become a map. People now trade around ideas about ideas, instead of talking about their real lived personal relationship to life. That can lead to living a religious fantasy. It reminds me of a talk I witnessed at a Catholic University in Thailand where the subject was the nature of the holy Trinity. Once the professor had his premises, he could masturbate publicly about how his ideas related to each other, with no relationship whatsoever to the physical world. It disgusted me that he had an audience at all, and many in the audience found him laughable. Mind wank.

When mind wank claims to offer life solutions, it distracts from effective solutions at best, and is poisonous at worst.

As long as people ground their ideas in personal experience, then that’s scientific.

Once we start trading around dogmas, we start spinning off.

So when people claim to have found a cure for grief through the lifestyle of find-and-fuck-other-girls-then-you’ll-realize-that-it-was-all-just-in-your-head, I call bullshit.

I disagree that real bonds become less real by being multiple. And I posit that real bonds are inherently bound up with real loss and real grief, inevitably. There is no love without the real pain that comes from loss of love – no matter how much other love is also there with other girls or sources.

And I’m not laying down head trips or judgments; not everyone wants to, is in a position to, or even can form bonds strong enough to hurt for long. I’m not talking about what should be. I’m talking about what is.

Grief is. No matter what, if you form bonds that matter to you, and then lose them, for some length of time the grieving process will happen. There is no cure or off switch. There is a very big difference between speeding up and taking the edge of of the grieving process to declaring grief a pathology and sign of living life wrong. There is no vaccine to inoculate yourself against grief, and no pill to CURE it once you have it. It’s going to run it’s course – whether it’s a long or short course – it will run a course.

It’s normal, and I think everyone knows this. We don’t get special dispensation from that by being within a community of insider red-pill secrets.

Lately I’ve been listening to some of my favorite luminaries, including Stephen Pinker, and Robin Hanson. They echo some of my own ideas about the agendas that underly our own emotions. One idea put forth was that falling in love was an evolved guarantee to enhance our bargaining position to sweeten the offer of being in a relationship with our self. After all, we all want to secure the smartest, richest, most attractive mate we can get, and after we settle and something better comes along, it’s tempting to trade up. If we are in love, the evo-psych theory says, then we are bargaining from a stronger position, because we are showing that we can’t stop being in love, and so are less likely to trade up.

So It’s not necessarily particularly noble to bond. It just is something that happens, neither right nor wrong. I find it the best drug available. A peerless high. Combined with a lifestyle of serial and parallel monogamy, it can be a relatively sustainable high. For purely selfish reasons, love is fantastic.

But the game of love, I have found, will always be bitter sweet. You can’t just pick and choose the silver lining; you get the whole cloud. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

That’s built into our hard wiring, by evolution.

I think that it’s important to face that fact head on, without avoiding it. It might seem a trivial distinction. In practice whether you look to cure your heartbreak, or simply speed up the grieving process looks exactly the same and has the same outcome, so what difference can it make to change the perspective?

Because if you think grief is a sign of doing it wrong, you are already doing it wrong. You have lost an honest relationship to yourself, and to your emotions. Grief sucks, ya, but it’s not totally useless. You can’t box that part of yourself into a garbage pile. That’s part of what needs to be embraced and given space. It’s the source of so much music and art, and melancholic beauty. It’s the human condition – and our human condition is what we share with each other.

Being able to embrace that helps to seduce our other and next girls. Really, it does. Being able to feel is being able to love is being able to bond is seductive.

Then we are in a better position to keep the drug alive; to remain in love with other and future girls.

As soon as you need to shut down and avoid heartbreak, you also immediately need to shut down and avoid falling in love.

Growing sexual chemistry

Last night I watched the biography of Heath Ledger.

Heath apparently was a very talented and smart guy who generally navigated towards a successful and happy life. One standout part of his life was how he magnetized and fostered strong and lifelong friendships with a vast number of people. The people seemed high quality, open hearted, good people.

My Dad was a great influence on my personality, and I suppose the number two influence was my mentor in my early twenties. Both are very social, cheerful, positive and open hearted people. I’m far more introverted, and envy their social circles. My social talents usually focus on one-to-one relationships with the women in my life. However the style is similar to my Dad and mentor; I like to make people feel good, and can at times be seductive and magnetic and fun.

However I’ve recently come to realize that I’m more fragile than I knew. In this world we have narcissists, sociopaths, people with BPD and other personality disorders. Narcissists are not healthy to be around. When insecure or triggered they prefer if those around them are miserable, and so can’t relax until they provoke negative expressions and even outbursts of rage.

Sociopaths can put on a face and all the time be plotting to steal from you and ruin you completely.

Some of us have an artistic temperament, and have emotions integrated strongly with our lives; we can feel deeply, and prefer to. These types of people are easier prey for emotional vampires, because we have emotions that can be manipulated. Our empathy and desire for communion can be weaponized against us.

Some months ago I was victimized horribly by some sociopaths. One of them is truly insane, and continues to try to persecute me. A former employee. Three of my last four main squeezes are fundamentally fucked up people. I don’t want to wine; largely I think I had managed to craft a decent and joyful life with them around, and they had a lot to offer and did give a lot.

But I could never have a Heath Ledger lifestyle with them; communication was deeply flawed.

I had a several months long depression not long ago influenced by sociopaths, and was going out of my mind when limited to hanging with two female nut-jobs.

There are some EXTREMELY hazardous memes being accepted by impressionable men of all ages in the manosphere, and one of them is that attraction is a given, and that if you don’t immediately have it then move on to someone who is attracted to you.

That’s not my experience at all, and I can state with authority that this is a defeatist meme.

With M our chemistry was initially quite poor. It took about two years for our sexual chemistry to reach potential. At our peak it was extremely good.

I’ve been dating my V for a few years now, and I’ve always liked her. Which is a relief and a great change. I actually like her. I’ve written here many times that our chemistry wasn’t as strong as with other girls. Some of that might be because her body type doesn’t match some of my fetishes.

But that’s changed.

Chemistry, SEXUAL chemistry, can grow, for both men and women.

I haven’t had a girl I had chemistry with who I actually liked since my dead Kiki. Six or seven years ago. And before that it was a six week fling four years previous.

Of course I always knew it was a problem, and wanted to improve things. I figured much of what was going on was a simple trade off of youth and beauty for brains and personality. I liked the bargain, overall.

But now I see a big contrast. V and I are simply kind to each other. Both cheerful, by constitution. Even when irritable, both of us slow down and choose kind words. Not once has she ever put me into the role of being her enemy. Not even when broken hearted. In my experience, unfortunately, that’s quite rare. It’s the way it should be.

Just simple, easy going, kindness and appreciation. And a slowly growing sexual chemistry.

Two years ago I had some interns out here, and we also had quality chemistry. Really fun guys to be around. Mutual respect was a simple given. One of the interns invited out three of his friends from the UK, with the idea to test the waters of a mutual interest to work together. I was quite impressed – almost shocked – at the bro-bonds those guys shared. They grew up together, and it was amazing to see how well they got along. They were almost like lovers. Maybe that’s not a good analogy as so many relationships are fraught with drama and dissatisfaction. They really liked each other, and clearly loved each other too.

The broken people in my life were not 100% broken. It’s troubling and sad that they were and are permanently deficient. They can’t have strong healthy relationships with their girlfriends, or me, or anyone.

Some people seem to be able to just drop associations and get new ones. I wish I had the endless social connections to be so choosy. Other people seem to meet people all the time and easily form friendships. I’m glad that through my business I at least got a taste for some healthy bro bonds, and I’m very appreciative to again have a healthy relationship with someone that I respect.

My mental health is much improved.

I like being open around open cheerful people who have each others backs. In Canada I think we take that kind of thing for granted – we’re a laid back people, and put a strong emphasis on trustworthiness and self awareness.

I’m writing this for myself. Probably others will also have similar experiences, and will like to see someone else going through the same human condition.

Alcoholism is a thing

It’s oddly controversial. It’s been said that only an alky or former alky can know what it’s like.

I guess we all really like to hold tightly to the concept of free will. And it’s a gigantic bitch slap to even hold the idea in mind for 1/10th of a second that free will isn’t easy.

I’ve had many periods in my life when I drank too much. As a younger man I was often a high functioning alcoholic. Then in my forties there were times when I’d struggle with moderation, and my motivation, mood, and capabilities were hampered. Then I stopped for 5 years. Lately if I drink too much its crazy embarrassing how stupid I get. The scariest part of it is I can’t tell at the time.

So even for one person, the relationship to booze can change. As I’m getting more senile, I’m not as sharp generally, and scary stupid inebriated. I’m desperately trying to get young-blood infusions, as this is a proven anti-aging technique that could very well help reverse the early onset dementia.

Early this year I had some desperate times brought on by betrayal by partners and employees. A horrible story I may never share here. And before that I also had a few spells of drinking often.

Here is how it works for alkys, and why I now believe that alcoholism is a real thing, and not just a matter of habit. You have a drink. Fine. Then you feel better – good even. Fine. Then of course you want more. Ok.

But then in the morning come the cravings. You just need a taste to take the edge off – to feel normal again. And bam, you’re on the circle. The vicious circle.

I’ve had it happen many times, and usually the attitude I would take is to just ride it out. Sooner or later I always stop. Somehow the circle has it’s own end.

But the last circle just wasn’t worth it. I had a great time, truly. But I also did risky things and said stupid things and hurt those that love me. And I couldn’t work effectively.

It was difficult this time to quit. I let valium help a bit, but had to eventually watch all intake of drugs carefully, including Ritalin. I imagined what it’s like in rehab. Cravings came often, and were easily triggered. The sight of a Circle-K reminded me how much I wanted a good beer. Evening time reminded me how nice it would be to relax and have fun with a drink. It took a few weeks of hard NO to every craving before the cravings died down.

And now I know that if I have even one drink – just one – I would put myself at risk for another circle.

I’ve heard that story many times. That’s a thing for a lot of people.

It’s helping that general stress levels are down, and that I’m no longer only surrounded by annoying and stupid people.

Which brings me around to another subject. The quality of sexual mates.

In my past I’ve been able to maintain interest and attraction mostly based on lust. It’s always been the case for me that crazy or damaged or mentally deficient young and obviously attractive girls are more likely to date a much older ugly man. I’ve not ONLY dated airheads, but I’ve held on to twisted girls and liked it as a general life strategy.

It was driving me crazy. With no Westerners in my life, and only airheads as confidants, I was going out of my mind.

Now I’m closer to an intelligent 26 year old. We’ve been off and on for a few years, and time has allowed her to blossom into someone I appreciate even more. We’ve been able to find our chemistry despite the fact that she’s not in the top ten of the hottest girl I’ve ever had. She’s quite in love with me, but despite that doesn’t play head games or deliberately try to annoy me. Very patient and kind, funny, generous, never the slightest risk for infidelity, hard working, likes all role play (especially hard core), and for 10 bonus points she even squirted for the first time recently.

This actually has quite a lot to do with drinking.

With a life more satisfying there is less need to escape.

It took time to be fun to be around when sober. The first month I was a miserable joyless ass. The quality of companionship makes it much easier to find joy without drinking it.


Some interns lived in my building, and could hear the various screams. Usually they were sexual, but sometimes I’d scream at a girl too.

It happened often enough that I had to ask myself if it was me.

I’ve never once come close to screaming at my formerly virgin V. It wasn’t (all) me. Some girls push buttons and sabotage communication as incurable habits.

It’s SOOO good not to deal with that anymore!

As good as it gets

Living in SEA I’ve grown fond of the phrase “third world problems”.

Which can be applied to such situations as having a wild fling with a super hot teenager who neglects to tell you that she is engaged and using you for fun while waiting for her man to return from overseas.

The older I get the more the term “as good as it gets” starts to seem less negative.

When your life really hits the low points and you look back in nostalgia at times when you were having neurotic third world problems, “as good as it gets” starts to sound like a positive.

We are both neurotic people – you and me. We have moments of pure carefree joy, and great highs, and great lows. Our garden blooms, fades, freezes, composts, over seasons and many times a day.

No amount of philosophizing about it makes us truly deep down accept and embrace the truth of suffering. But age takes the edge off.

My next step is to realize and forgive other people for being such shitty human beings. As good as it gets is all around me.

LSD will make you more creative, and more insane

Many people in my meditation communities became introduced to introspection through drugs. Those are interesting communities. Mostly wealthy, in the long run, even if started from hippies.

Old meditating sort-of-ex-hippies have the best stories. And are good lays.

LSD probably makes permanent or at least very long term brain changes. That’s my informed opinion; I’m not aware of studies.

LSD will make you be like I once was. You’ll read Carlos Casteneda and not think it fiction. And the walls took years to stop moving when looked at closely.

I used to have the most strange concepts back when I was doing LSD. And for so many years afterwards. Embarassing to mention now. I wasn’t dumb. I was very smart, like so many are who are drawn to push boundaries. I had weird thoughts like that you could hide objects inside sound waves. Or that my brain was able to “intuit” things, as if connected to a radio antenna to pick up subtle signals no one else was connected to. I once was convinced that I had inside knowldege that a friend that I not heard from in a a while was dead. Pro tip: It’s not a good sign of mental health when you have ESP.

Yet to this day I’m probably still creatively improved – LSD most likely permanently makes you more creative. But it can fuck you up. Make you a bit messed up in differentiating categories.

People don’t tend to have regrets. We usually appreciate what we learned from our mistakes. I don’t think LSD should be illegal, although I do believe it can and does cause harm. And can and does cause benefit.