Why are you still stuck in red-pill rage?

I understand, from afar, that the West has some hysterical anti-masculinity cultural problems, and both men and women are losing interest and ability to be social and attractive to each other face to face.

I understand that the online dating market makes getting dates with attractive women difficult for average and below average looking men.

I’ve also seen that for the most part people have an extremely difficult time changing their personal habits, even when they want to. And worse than that, people most often are entrenched within their identity politics world views. Even and perhaps especially many so called red-pilled men.

I don’t understand why people don’t take the serenity prayer seriously. It’s old technology, and it seems psychologically incontrovertible to me.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Or the 8th century Buddhist version:

If there’s a remedy when trouble strikes,
What reason is there for dejection?
And if there is no help for it,
What use is there in being glum?

I’m not traditionally religious, not least because humans know more now than they did when traditional texts were written. I don’t buy J. Peterson’s argument that we’re better off living as if the traditional texts were true, because we are evolved to embody the workable cultural truths that are encoded in the texts. Because there is no need to hold onto old workable memes when newer workable memes can be more helpful.

But I’m happy with the language of the serenity prayer.

The way I see it, life is quite difficult, and we truly might not be able to win enough to find happiness. But how much can it help to just bitch about it? Either you can do something about it, or you can’t. Right?

Right?

People prefer to complain about the weather instead of MOVING to a place with better weather. Or working inside their environment to control the effects of weather. Raincoats, umbrellas, air conditioning and central heating and roofs.

I’m still frequently surprised and dis-heartened that this blog isn’t on more blog-rolls, and that some of the posts don’t get linked to more in more discussions. I wrote a blog post before on that subject. Krauser recently said that he’s accepted the fact that he could never be popular, because you have to be common and therefore shit to be popular, and that he could never write down to please a common crowd. The Red Quest said that he realizes his blog can’t be popular because most manosphere/androsphere/red-pill readers prefer to remain in the anger phase, rather than be active in improving their lot with women.

I write mostly about LTR game. Very little actionable advice about pickup that isn’t about mindset and general self improvement. When I was active on the RVForum, some guys said this was irrelevant to them, as they were struggling with just getting laid at all. Others seemed genuinely bitter, and only wanted to “pump and dump the bitches”. My response to the forum attitude was that such guys can never be experts on women, as they never take the boat out of the harbor. Ok, so you took 100 boats for a spin in the harbor. So what?

I realize that men ache for community, and feel better about their suffering if they have like minded fellows in similar situations who can agree about scapegoats social ills.  But the serenity prayer!

Change your mind, change your habits.  Do you want to be in the anger phase until you die?  Are you so stubborn that you have decided that this is your only option?

Many people have said that they have made genuine friends with books.  That’s a very old idea, held by many.  I’d like to believe that even though most people don’t comment here, that even the silent readers are in a real relationship with me.  That I’m truly speaking to you.

Good.

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The obvious expectations you train into a girl

Your reference experiences are held in your micro expressions, and these include what are your social boundaries and good treatment expectations.

It’s your girls responsibility to not be a doormat, and to leave you if you suck, and to let you know that she will. You respect girls who don’t let themselves be shit on and taken advantage of, and take them more seriously.

And the converse.

I came across some tweets of advice to women about how to keep a high value man. This is all completely familiar to me, as it’s common sense boundaries and expectations that it’s my responsibility to train into women who don’t yet have the experience of behaving well. Which is most women.

It’s up to you to train your girl, and if you don’t do that, don’t blame her for being uncivilized. Relationships are school, for most of us, as most of us didn’t get perfect social imprinting within the family and school context.

From https://twitter.com/MyPlayboysBunny/status/1040595855030538245

For Girls Seeking to Keep a High Value Man:
1) Learn to cook
2) Do not talk about other men
3) Be available
4) Respect his time
5) Be responsible w/ money
6) Ignore your phone when w/ him
7) Find new ways to be sexy for him
8) Be proud of him
9) Be emotional w/ gal pals, not him

For Girls Seeking A High Value Man:

1) Go to the gym, lose extra weight
2) Clean up your diet
3) Keep your home and your car clean

When you look better, feel better, and care for your surroundings, it comes through in your attitude, and it’s more attractive.

Getting good treatment is not just an attitude. Countless times I’ve said “talk to other girls about that, not me”. It’s unexpected at first, and might therefore seem rude, but it always only takes about 5 seconds for any girl to realize this is perfect common sense and even common decency. I might also say “I’m not a girl. Talk to other girls about that”.

Masculine polarity is important. For her attraction but also for your own peace of mind. You are not her best buddy – you are her man.

Regarding every one of these points I’ve said explicit things and demanded specific actions. I make the girl dress well, even if just around the house. Even if it’s a day both of us stay home, she’ll be in makeup and dressed sexy.

If she dresses only to go out, I’ll point it out. “Oh, you want to look good for others? You should look good for me instead”. It embarrasses them at first, but they can’t argue. It sinks in. I got a facelift, very frequently don’t eat for a day, go to the gym regularly, wear fake hair, shave every day, and so on. It’s to keep her sexually aroused. I demand and expect her to be just as interested in maintaining my arousal. And as we both are aroused by each other and fuck a lot, it becomes a self sustaining habit of keeping the top spinning. We prefer the spin. One year after moving in together basically on the first date, the frequency and passion of sex is still top notch high.

I’ve chastised J before for serving food to others before me. For not paying attention to the quality of the food she prepares me. Now she is a great cook, and takes great pleasure in pleasing me. As most women do, she’ll wait expectantly for me to take a bite of food to receive my comment. This is a great value to my life.

M started out as a tom boy who walked and dressed like a man, couldn’t fuck, and had no idea how to cook. At the end she prided herself on being a very good cook, had a huge tasteful feminine and sexy wardrobe, and was an orgasm machine.

Girls sometimes bad mouth their boyfriends or husbands to create in-group bonding with the other gals. But mine brags about my six pack and the size of my cock. Her friends ask how they can get a guy like me, and sometimes ask if they can fuck me a bit. This is normal – or it can be – these simple expectations are perfectly normal. Don’t assume that negativity is normal. It’s common, but not normal. Not YOUR normal. You will learn to do and get better, because that’s YOUR normal.

The more you are used to being treated well, the less correction you’ll need to give. Your being will hold a power of social expectation, that she will conform to.

You can’t suck a pussy or fuck properly if you can’t switch between enough roles

I’ve heard it said that it’s best to be the man she’s cheating with instead of the man she’s cheating on.

Last night I was both. We role played. She came a lot, and hard, and was totally into the role. I was a stranger. That made her come harder. Was she cheating? Was I?

No man. Jeesus. Forgive yourself. Forgive her. You both have the same drives, and both of you can be crazy jealous. Fire was conquered hundreds of thousands of years ago. It’s still dangerous, but how capable and old are you? Get older and get more capable.

You appreciate in a lover her willingness to follow you into unknown role plays. You haven’t been there before. Maybe neither has she. You are fucking, and you explore mind spaces. Nurse? That’s an obvious yet fruitful first exploration. Student?

Ok, what about threesome? Ya, it’s just your mind. It’s just your girlfriend. There are no police watching. It’s all up to you. Just explore. Get to know each other and yourself; the world.

There is never any benefit from publicly exploring taboos. But I’ve been very patient with the manosphere. Over 900 posts, and in all that time I rarely bruise egos with visions of things too far out of reach. I only recently talked about life within chi-kung as a social normal.

Your social normal is up to you. Your girl adapts. She’s not going to share your brain or stop caring about her other social connections, but you can share mind space.

And you have to do it also. She has the desire you do. Use it.

Mix with her and learn from her world.

And what about all your hidden selves. My god it’s such a waste of time and effort that always explodes in my face to talk about:

1) sexual attraction to younger women
2) erogenous zones deemed too feminine

There are no off limits, unless you need. Why do you need them? Do you want her to find her limits elsewhere?

This will either hurt or inspire you.

Being treated as a God.

In grade 9 and 10 I had the funny conceipt of giving myself the nickname God, and a few of the lower status guys were in on the the joke and called me that publicly.

It was fun.

Later in high school I started a trend of hugging many of the hot girls in the hallways as we passed. This was not exactly sexual, I just really appreciated them, and it became a social norm in my high school for some of us to interact this way. I also used to sit at the girls table during lunch. Again, not exactly sexual – I just really like girls. There was not awareness yet of holding masculine polarity, so this did not lead to any sex. I just like girls.

But I was just a teenager; most everybody is stupid at that age. I stumbled through, and experimented and took things in new directions. I was also meditating and working out at the time. I was very serious about my lucid dream practice, and did my best to learn what I could from LSD, maybe 12 times, in high doses.

They say that during your formative neuro-plastic years that habitual pathways get myelin coated, and so become permanent super-highways. I started practing my own invented loving kindness meditations and self hypnosis at about age 12. It was very powerful. Also my masturbation was a loving kindness chi-kung meditation, in a way; it truly was profound self love, and that’s obviously the definition of positive. At age 16 I left hypnosis behind as I considered it setting the mind up into compartments, and I was more interested in unifying my mind, through meditation. At age 18 I did my first month long group meditation retreat, meditating at least 8 hours a day, with frequent lucid dreams at night.

After coming out of the monastery and a lifestyle of frequent meditation retreats, my path towards being a monk was interrupted by an unplanned pregnancy with a woman with BPD. We divorced two years later, and as that relationship was winding up I realized that my self started small jewelry and clothing vending business was required personal development. Sitting in a monastery where no music is allowed calms the mind, sure, but it’s not a well rounded education, and you lose your ability to be social with the common facility. So I sold my wares to college aged girls around the US, face to face from behind a table, for about 10 years. Some of that with my hot nympho Indonesian girlfriend, and we fucked in near all of our ample spare time, and sometimes on the job; kundalini sex, no male orgasms.

In my relationships for at least the last decade, maybe much longer, I’m used to being treated as an object of reverence. As a type of God.

I’m still learning that this can be a perfectly appropriate mutual reverence. It’s not necessarily an inappropriate power trip.

Some people have accused me before of abusing my magical yogic spiritual powers. You don’t have to believe in real chi or real spiritual powers to know that other people do experience them. Charismatics mesmerize, and that’s a fact. I’ve studied with and lived with and befriended some of the worlds most amazing charismatics. Paid good money to study with some of them. Hundred dollar an hour sessions maybe 20 years ago with a top chi-kung healer, and was a long apprentice. One of my several chi-kung teachers.

And I had my own spontaneous kundalini awakening at age 21 or so, at a time when I had zero context for that and no teachers and no friends who knew any teachers about that. It took until about age 27 to find some of those communities. In the interim I had quite the wild ride, as did my lovers.

Back to the theme of this post; being treated as a God.

My whole blog aches to share the possibility of what seems to me perfectly natural interpersonal male/female dynamics. The man is treated with devotion, reverence, and constant doting. This has been my normal, for ages.

I try to write about how it can be other men’s normal also. I get what seems like nothing but resistance and back talk about it. But this is my real lived life; it’s innarguable.

Your own standards and ambitions are up to you, but just at least know what is possible.

Related

A very different kind of peak experience

During an altered state, an innummerable number of co-ordinated voices in my head were embodied as if in cells from my head to toe. We are perfect friends with each other, after all these close years of interaction. In fact we realize that there is no me vs them – awareness somehow or other is telepathic within my self – the many different awarenesses merge – sometimes by them bringing things into consciousness, sometimes by us all sharing the same consciousness.

So we played. I knew I could do just about anything that I wanted to with my mind. We partied, and they gave me music, with many instruments. Then they started chanting a life affirming “yes” “yes” “yes”. Thousands or hundreds of thousands of voices. Then I heard “no” “no” “no” join in, and the yes voices got muted. Both the yes and no were not voices in my head that I listened to from inside a room of my “self” narrative. No no no. As a lucid dreamer by know I’m perfectly familiar with my mind being my mind. I know and feel the voices as my very respected selves. And they respect me too. We’re good friends by now.

And therefore I said “that’s ok, chant no also”. And so the yes and the no chanted together. The no with perfect power to dampen down the rising and rising chorus of extactic music and yes. The yes and no were in perfect harmony, not fighting at all.

This is a real thing that happened just yesterday.

It’s rather incredible, and perfectly credible – this is an amazing world.

Later I realized I can at will stop the internal diologue and be present, just as I’d spent a great many years dedicatedly practicing, in Buddhist monasteries, in long solitary forest retreats (the most transformative one lasting 11 weeks, coming out only for food once every one or two weeks, a long treck over a mountain knee deep in snow), and on countless forgotten meditation cushions. And the chi-kung. It’s the same thing. Embodied shared awarenesses of colors, feelings, voices, music.

A few days ago in another altered state I directly experienced that visions don’t have to be in the form of movies; the awarenesses can be multiple and infinite and overlapping; as if 100 phantasms shared the same 3 dimensional space. That is how awareness works, yet we usually are stuck in narrative. The narrative is just one different fantasm. Not a self at all. It’s just a very small part of all of the phantasms that make me up.

Life is very good, and you can make great friends with yourself, and he/she/it/we are incredibly interesting and can be very funny and generous, and all get along in good harmony.

State control can be a lifelong worthy pursuit, and you can’t get it from just watching an episode of Seinfeld before hitting a club.

D said:

Totally over the top exaggeration, but notice that Travolta starts out in his own world and then he doles out the eye contact AFTER women notice him, like his attention is reward. Then the girls start competing for it and a frenzy ensues. Its a true thing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W29xpRD0BwE

I like that example, even if it is extreme.

I’ve seen people do what looks like chi-kung or tai-chi as a style of disco-dancing. When I dance usually it’s a form of chi-kung. If I hold my hand above my head, I’m actually trying to feel body-centered emotions and energies that I associate with that space from long habits of chi-kung practice, and I try to feel into the energy of the room. It’s a good way to connect to the positive energy of the crowd. It’s life affirming and celebratory, and as I’m embodying that connection and celebration, that connection becomes a real interactive thing; people feel/sense my vibe and it’s a feedback interaction.

I really can bring up the energy and positivity of crowds. Not from an invisible force, but from in the usual ways; people feel better when they notice other people around them who feel good and are positively interacting. And as your video points out, you can get more subtle in your positivity. And people aren’t used to seeing that level of body-mind-space subtle-energetic presence and awareness, so that’s slightly exciting and becomes a mutual celebration of the human condition.

I remember as a teenager me and some friends had as a life philosophy and near religion to party hearty. There was something in that, if you replace the word party with celebrate.

Disco crowds can actually sometimes be bored and depressed. I’ve seen this change to a crowd being energized and into a more genuine party mode. Sometimes that happens just by the night progressing, but if there is no live band, music alone doesn’t always get people to act as a crowd and share their celebration. Being out can actually be a very lonely experience for a lot of people.

I also reach below my feet in a lot of chi-kung dance moves, and move the energy up and down visibly, while being spatially aware. And I try to move much less than the girl; dancing is about appreciating her, much more than it is showing off how well I can dance. She’s the focus, I’m there to celebrate her. Which helps her to celebrate me; women like to be celebrated, and appreciate it.

It’s subtle, and noobs or keyboard jockeys won’t have the life experience to get that point. It’s not pedestalizing to be really into a woman and to let her know it. That’s part of what people do that’s cool; we appreciate each and compliment each other. It’s only pedestalizing if you get needy and over-compliment as if you could purchase attraction with compliments.

It’s not supplicating to appreciate. I suppose that was a key, and new element, to my more magnetic vibe that night. Less hungry, yet more appreciative. It’s surprisingly not a catch22 or paradox. Sort of a Buddhist ideal, as Buddhists are always talking about the 3 “kleshas”, or disturbing emotions, and forever hinting at some mysterious alternative way to interact, that is compassionate and loving and appreciative, yet not needy.

The 3 kleshas are passion, aggression, and indifference. But passion is a contentious klesha, and some say it’s not an issue at all. That’s a subtle one. The interesting klesha, I think, is indifference. Also sometimes translated as ignorance. But apathy is said to be a type of emotion that gets in the way of this mysterious enlightened non-dual present open hearted mind.

So appreciation without necessarily tying that to getting a phone number and a fuck winds up being strangely attractive, as a state of being. Not exactly a state of doing; it’s an interactive state of being.

In the same way that improv is actually not just something that you do, it’s actually a state of being. My recent post on improv shows brain scans that support that theory. It’s how you hold your mind and interact; not just some sort of verbal or musical fluency and quick-witedness.

My buddy/guru kept trying to tell me how seductive it was to not be too desirous, but I could not take the advice, because it’s also extremely seductive to be hugely turned on and into and uncontrollably want to fuck a girl. I’ve seduced girls with the power of that passion many times, and it’s a well documented and studied real dynamic.

This is a different dynamic that is also powerful, and more sublime. In some contexts it seems its quite a bit more powerful.

But you can’t make that state of mind, the way you can make a hamburger. You can’t create that interpersonal dynamic in the same way you might by singing a song or reading a poem or “doing the cube” or some script. It’s a subtle state of being that may take weeks or decades to fleetingly “attain”. And it most likely relies on external or interpersonal setups, such as “raising merit” in Buddhist speak, or feeling as if you are an overall positive force of mostly not too fucked up karma, in regular guy speak. And being loved and having a bottom bitch who you give love and frequent female-orgasmic sex to really helps a great deal. Our minds are also socially intertwined and interpersonal, so getting your life and shit together is a big part of what state control is all about.

Delusion, or a spiritual peak experience?

Decades ago I was a frequent and very long term meditator who practiced chi-kung and off the body chi-kung healing touch. It’s been studied that your screen refresh rate goes up if you meditate frequently; as numbers flash by on a computer screen you can see more of them distinctly even at very fast rates.

So during this time in my life I was keenly aware of what happens during the first 1/2 of a second of eye contact.

It’s a really magical time. It’s incredible how much information humans share in that time. I always try to translate my concepts in a rational scientifically reasonable world view, but sometimes more information is conveyed by being more poetic or even metaphysical. Some experiences I’m at a loss to find any frame of reference for whatever.

During that period in my life, I was able to make people turn around to see if I was looking at them or not. I even did this in a meditation hall, where people are not supposed to move. Very consciously, I picked out people, and one by one told myself that I would make them turn around. I then used my gaze and felt into them with my eyes.

One by one, people turned around. But they were annoyed, and gave me a harsh glare. As if I were being disturbing.

My energy was not good at that time. I was highly sexually supercharged, and had no outlet. I was a fucking mess, and a hyper aware, spiritually powerful mess.

During that time my best friend was an accomplished meditation practitioner with deep social connections and long association with many top teachers. Teachers who you hear incredible stories about; about people stopping all thoughts for a few days after a brief encounter, and so on. The stories are so common that it’s a thing, in Buddhist circles. Anyway, I remember vividly one day walking down the street with him, and people would smile in their eyes and lips and say hello to him as we walked past. Not one person said hello to me. Over and over. It wasn’t random. It was awesome. I was a bit jealous, and felt excluded. But I also realized that this was a hell of a life lesson. Maybe one day I’d get to the bottom of it.

Well, last night was amazing. I took some ritalin, which increases my clock refresh rate of course, and drank a bit. As people walked by, I noticed what happened in that quick instant as our gazes met. And most everyone I looked at shared a gaze with me. Finally! I was not harsh anymore. I was open, loving, accepting, joyful, calm. People didn’t feel unconfortable in my gaze, and the spark was full of comraderie and shared human condition.

Later J and I went to the disco, and I had the feeling that my gaze was a bit magical. I had the feeling that girls were checking me out and being attracted. Well, I’ve been delusional before, who knows when drinking and doing a mild stimulant. But then as we were dancing near a troupe of 4 very hot very young girls, one of them danced in front of me then started grinding on me. I held my ground, and let her grind, all the while J was burning up with jealous anger. This was so blatant. I was loving it, and J and I were talking about it as it happened. So funny. While this was happening I was having a lot of eye contact with the other girls. It was amazing. My vibe was so on last night, like nothing I ever remember. (Well, that’s not quite so. I’ve had some other great days. But I think this was a peak of peaks.) The eye contact went very well; I really wish I had better words for it. The girls appreciated the attention, didn’t turn away, and we shared the joy of sharing gazes, all the while dancing.

The whole time I was doing chi-kung on my girl. She feels this when I do it, and sometimes ask me to “do magic on her”. My hand was resting on her spine. Her vibe is also very good.

I’ve danced with very hot girlfriendss in clubs before, and sometimes my vibe has been very good and I’ve felt that I’ve helped to improve the mood of the club. You can be fun grandpa, and have a social effect on crowds. People like to respect older folks and see them having a good time. It’s happened a few times, if I’m not being delusional. But last night I really felt I was getting eyeballed and checked out by a great many attractive young women. Inside the club and out. It was quite unusual, for me.

I told J that it was her love that was powering all of that. She couldn’t appreciate my metaphysical frame of reference, but it does make sense to me.

People are highly evolved to make snap judgments about vibe, and are incredibly attuned. I have no idea how so much information can be conveyed so fast. Subjectively it feels like it happens in the eyes and eye contact, but who knows. Of course I get social validation by being with a doting attractive young woman, and that can cause people to try to grab me from her, for fun, like that girl and her troupe were playing at. But think about it for a moment. If they can sense my vibe, what about hers?

Before I’ve been to clubs with girls with a bit more scatterbrained vibes. That’s also a reflection on me.

This time my vibe was at a lifetime peak, plus she has a more well rounded character and vibe than other hotties I’ve been with. Hot and not crazy. That’s a much more powerful combination. And when I say her love powered the interest in me, I’m talking about her vibe as if it’s a metaphysical force; that’s the best way to imagine it. A force people feel, that changes who I am, and makes people more interested in me and what it is she is clearly getting from me.

I’ve long been aware of a duty to hold a good vibe. Our vibes hugely influence each other. Even strangers on the street.

One of my teachers has the practice to make as much eye contact with strangers as he can. He has that much belief in the power of the gaze.

I could write all the very positive eye-contact down to a being a bit high and delusion, but for the the real physical actions; that girl was grinding on me for maybe 10 minutes, and her friends were so comfortable in the situation. I knew I was in a rare zone, and then real effects.

Hard to put into words my vibe, but:
1) Lately I’m not hungry for sex from other girls. I used to always be. So I can look at a hot girl with appreciation, without exactly wanting to fuck her now. That seems to have a strange counter-intuitive effect. J has me very calmed down, in a way I don’t remember ever feeling before.
2) I was thinking about improv lately, and I think that relates to being in the moment – even that impossible to act upon 1/10th of a flash of energy second when eyes meet. You can be sort of egoless, groundless, open, and connected. And loving. It’s a state of improv and fluidity and trust.

Blogging has really helped me in my life. It always helps to have contemplations to work on, and then bring the organized insights to the public page, and then use those to go further. Lately I’ve been talking about my old chi-kung social habits. I stopped being social about chi-kung for many years, because it’s so completely out of the frame of reference of most people.

But it’s not, though.

We all know how eye contact feels so different with different people.

I’m lucky to have had seeds planted in me many years ago, by those advanced personalities. And I include my father and grandmother in the group of advanced personalities whose beingness was itself a teaching. It’s time to publicly acknowledge the esoteric teachings and practices and not be ashamed of standing out as a weirdo because of them. It’s very valuable stuff, and thanks to the teachers, and gratitude. Maybe I can pay it forward a bit.

Handling conflict

I’ve dated many women with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was even married to one in my early twenties. After I announced my intention to split up, I agreed to see a couples therapist, to in my mind help her to adjust to the new realities. I was so impressed by the woman that I later saw her on my own for a while. But then she started to suggest that it was important for me to talk about my mother, and I drew a line in the sand and would not go there.

At the time I thought it would be a non-productive swamp and was a fad idea with no merit, to talk about ones mother.

But it may be the case that the very troubling relationship that I had with my mother, is related to having dated way over the average number of girls with BPD.

Everyone is at least a little bit BPD, sometimes. And some people, when describing the female mind and the nature of women are basically describing borderline personality traits. Women on the whole are more BPD, day to day, than men.

I did learn a lot, over the years, dealing with these people that it is completely impossible to have a healthy relationship with. It doesn’t matter how incredible your game is, and how psychologically sublime and fit you are, you will get worn down and lose dealing with BPDs. They always “win”, long term. And they make it basically impossible to just fuck them for fun; they will make the drama that they need, one way or another.

But I did learn a lot, that I may not have learned otherwise. As I said, BPD is just an extreme example of the basic human condition. Shrinks4men is the goto website to learn more, and every man – EVERY man – needs to learn all he can about personality types and disorders.

Which brings me to the point of this post.

Not all women are like that, and handling conflict will change enormously depending on who you are having a conflict with.

The last very-low-conflict girl that I was with before V was Kiki. It was perhaps the happiest year of my life. It was like Christmas and a birthday, every day. Until she died, one year after we met and moved in together on the same day.

It was about 5 years later that I met V, who is one of the most gracious women I’ve ever met. Also very low conflict, yet not at all a doormat. Just emotionally open sensitive and healthy and respectful.

That changed me, I think. J is also a very low conflict girl, yet with her last boyfriend they argued all the time like crazy.

I’ve learned a great deal from V, about how to handle conflict. I never had one argument with V in the three years that we dated. Except on the last day of seeing her. And J and I never argue. I’ve been angry at her, and chastised her a few times, but we don’t bicker or fight.

I really don’t think that I had the social skills before to keep conflict at a minimum even with a potentially low conflict woman. I think also that I may have created or helped to bring out the low conflict ability in J.

Hmmm, I’m supposed to write a how to. A how to would be really helpful. Yet all I’m saying is that you can learn from both crazy and sane women, and that you can get better and better at maintaining love and joy and low conflict. I know there is more to it than that, but at the risk of posting a lower value post, I’m going to leave this here, and perhaps come back to it.

If anyone has any thoughts about how they’ve improved their ability to keep conflict in relationships low, please comment.

Improv as the foundation of game, part 2.

I think writers post to raise their feel good hormones. Serotonin from raising social standing, oxytocin from gathering or creating like minds, and dopamine from the work towards these rewards.

There is a fine invisible blurry line between outright bragging and inspirational thoughts about how to do something. The motivation is both, because serotonin and oxytocin. Status and group belonging. Too much status seeking causes envy and the loss of oxytocin though, and even the loss of status. Tricky invisible non-existent line. It’s a fake line of course; bragging is built into every single possible craft or art; it’s the whole fucking point of doing ANYTHING well. Look at me! Wow! Cool huh?! Oh, and YOU can too, so we’re on the same team. Let’s go!

Lately I tried to straddle that line in a way that is probably impossible. I tried to talk about the difference between playing “what would you say to a girl if” games, and the very contrasting frame of mind of being on the spot improvising in the moment, from a place as close to personal strategic-authenticity as possible.

It’s impossible to not come off as an ass while trying to do that. Just try it yourself. You’ll sound like an arrogant ass, for sure.

I’m trying to get around that now, by laughing at the whole project, pointing fingers at all the ingredients in the sausage, and letting it all hang out. It won’t work. I’ll still sound like an ass. This is an impossible project. Much like how talking about sexual attraction to fertile young women of a certain frowned upon age never goes well. No matter how good a job you do, it’s a job that can’t be done.

But here goes.

I’m trying to think out loud about improvisation. I’m a casual hobbyist player of musical instruments. I’m not quite good enough to call myself a musician, although I do make musicalish sounds. Compared to musicians, I’m not good at all, but compared to not being able to play at all, I’m pretty good. I’m happy with that, I don’t need to be anywhere else for it to be good enough for me, but I also really love to see improvement.

I’m also a very lazy student. And enjoy being creative. And impossibly forgetful. Therefore every time I play an instrument, I have no recollection whatsoever of any tune or fragment of a tune that I’ve ever invented before. Truly. I can only remember a theme of an improv that I’m working on while I’m playing it. The next day, or even the next hour, it’s gone forever. Bye bye.

My mind is quirky that way. My memory lands me in trouble with people with minds closer to the middle of the bell-curve, because I sound above average in some abilities, therefore people think that I have a memory. I don’t really have a memory. I never reminisce, because I can’t. When my friends play the remember when game, I can’t join in. Nope. Don’t remember at all. For me I have no option but to live for today. And I don’t even take pictures and the ones I have I rarely look at. Just not nostalgic for events. Nostalgic for relationships, sometimes, but not events. Can’t remember them, mostly.

So, like a blind person with hyper-acuity in hearing, my mind must have learned to compensate. There are several different circuits to memory, I can attest first hand, because if I make an emotional connection with someone, thereafter I’ll remember their face and voice. Without that I can spend conscious minute after minute trying to memorize the face and clothing, and 10 minutes later can’t recognize them as they return from the ATM to pay for my wares that I put aside for them. “Hi, can I help you?”

I think that this has something to do with improv.

There are different circuits in the brain that can be used, to deal with day to day interactions. I’ve had to rely on them, perhaps more than most. But like an idiot savant, it’s what you lack that brings out unusual other abilities that might otherwise have gone un-noticed.

Improv.

I was doodling on the guitar today, and noticed that conscious analytical decisions were a part of the learning process, but after my fingers had the muscle memory of where the notes are, eventually I move into a more free flowing, less decision making oriented flow where beats quickly change and notes change without me realizing that I’ve made a decision about changing them. Sort of like my hands are playing the guitar by themselves, yet at the same time I’m even closer into the moment than before where I had to pick out the notes using conscious choice. Just exactly like singing a harmony part to your favorite song. You don’t realize what harmonies you are going to choose until after they are out of your mouth; you are just into the moment so much that you become the music; you sing the music. You don’t choose what music to sing. Less separation, while at the same time less decision.

I’ll leave this here and come back to it.

Update:

I had to look to see what science there is on this subject, and my subective intuitions are exactly mirrored in this study:

One shouldn’t really need an excuse to embed this fantastic performance by Thelonious Monk, but now there is one: NIDCD researchers believe that they have identified the cognitive neural substrate of jazz improvisation.

For the study, which is published in the open access journal PLoS One, Charles Lamb and Allen Braun recruited six professional jazz pianists. The participants were asked to play a specially-designed keyboard whilst their brain activity was monitored with functional magnetic resonance imaging.

In the control condition, the musicians were asked to play an ascending or descending scale, while during the experimental condition, they were allowed to improvise. The researchers were thus able to compare the brain activity correlated with performing a simple task in which the participants’ musical creativity was highly constrained, to that correlated with the far more complex improvised task.

It was found that the improvised condition was characterized by reduced activity in the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain thought to be involved in the planning, organization and execution of behaviours. The implication is that deactivation activity in this area underlies the spontaneity required for the musicians’ improvisation.

And, regarding my intuition that impaired memory may actually facilitate improv, there is this:

“Improv is all about being in the moment, which for someone with memory loss, that is a very safe place,” says Mary O’Hara, a social worker at the Cognitive Neurology and Alzheimer’s Disease Center at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine.

When I’ve come across seduction ideas that are about memorizing scripts or stages of seduction, I didn’t just immediately blow them off out of arrogance, thinking that I had a superior technique. I also blew them off because I would have a very troubling time trying to memorize such things. That would really throw me off, and put me out of the moment, and disable what I know works for me, which is being in the moment. I can be in the moment. It’s the calling upon all these scripts that would really be difficult for me. Counterproductive, most likely. And I disagree that you need these crutches. I never used them, yet somehow I learned social skills, just by interacting and getting the theory. You don’t have to memorize theory in the same way as scripts; you can understand and apply it on the spot, in your own words.

It’s difficult to really pin point how to move into this now-moment where you trust your creativity. I think it has a lot to do with liking your own self and believing that he has something seductive and useful to give. Which is a bit chicken and egg, of course, because you need positive reference experiences from others that confirm your value; it’s not all internal game at all; that would be empty narcissism that would lead to low girl-retention and sub-optimal positive feedback. So I think we need to organically grow our social skills, perhaps by social climbing, starting with old or crazy people, or if you’re dick agrees, the less attractive. Then slowly get better and better, younger hotter tighter, and finally, the impossible to reach prize: young hot tight and not insane.

Oh, and at the same time, working on ones own mental and physical health, and value in all possible areas, so that we are empirically valuable, and our serotonin and testosterone naturally rise to reflect a genuine honest appreciation of our rightful place in the world. I’ve always advocated body centered meditations and mind training to accelerate mental and sexual fitness. And by now every one that talks about improving ones status with girls always talks about diet and gym.

The hysterical PC police is worse than I imagined possible

I haven’t been in the US or Canada for over 12 years. Back then the hysterical ideas were mostly on the “right” and were called the “war against some drugs”. The culture wars and identity politics, to me, saw the right as bone headed and stubborn and deliberately out of touch with reality.

Of course even back then it was clear that feminist ideas had gone too far; gender is not a social construct. People talked about it, and took sides, but you could take a side without being shouted down.

This video shows an extremely scary cultural hysteria, beyond anything I’d have imagined possible. They say that the first person to use the word Hitler loses the argument, but what other social movement comparison can I make, other than to the great political group-mind consensus building movements of the pre world war 2 eras? Communism, Nazism, Stalin-ism, fascism. Huge groups of people who would murder and persecute their neighbors if their neighbors professed the wrong ideology.

It’s fucking scary. I’m so glad I’m not at a job in a country infected by this horrible mass hysteria. I don’t know what you guys can do about it. This has gotten to the point that many will have to sacrifice their freedoms in order for freedom to still be a thing.

And from what I hear your universities are now so overpriced as to be an indentured servitude system. And the curriculum is fucked up beyond repair by this insane feminism. I can’t call it leftism. It’s got nothing to do with what used to be called leftism. It would be disrespectful to history to group what is going on now with what went on in the past; this is more than an extention and outgrowth of the types of liberal ideas and ideals that were active in the sixties.

I’ve seen students in videos acting like brainwashed hitler youths, shouting down well reasoned statements of facts, when those facts are not in line with feminist thoughts. Young people! My god, what the hell happened!

.

There is no way in hell this is sustainable, but this is so extreme, so powerfully entrenched… Historically the swings from such extremes are violent. Guns and bombs and years of war violent. I have no fucking clue how you guys are going to get yourselves out of this mess. It looks BAD. Really fucking incredibly bad.

I’m not a Trump supporter (and even less of a Hillary supporter). I haven’t followed closely at all, but my dim impressions so far are that those on the left take it as a given that he is very scary bad, yet rarely if ever explain exactly why. That’s a huge tell. Argument by eye rolling. No, I don’t know why, no I don’t share your assumptions. Why?

But I do hear that he lies a lot and says stupid shit totally disconnected from reality. Ok, lots of other presidents also did. I hear some of his political appointments are out of touch with a science based view of consensual reality, and some are business as usual pro-oil or pro entrenched corruption elite businessman class. I probably shouldn’t bother talking – I really haven’t been following. I know he rose to power by appealing to those who are not identity-politically social justice warriors. What his REAL agenda is, I’m not sure if anyone knows. I never understand why voters think they know. The political process is nearly completely opaque to all of us, isn’t it? Will we never learn that campaign promises are empty? Trump used identity politics to win, but someone please let me know what identity politics related new laws have passed while he’s in office?


From Jack Murphy on Twitter:

I try to escape my bubble as much as a I can. My old face book page is 99% my old life. So I go back there every once in a while just to see what the nut jobs are up to. But this last time was a stark reminder to never go back. A short story of the times:

I have this old “friend.” We met in the 90’s. We were ravers. We broke into warehouses, danced + took drugs. We rebelled against the “man”. We were culture warriors at a time when the culture war meant more freedoms for all. Now she’s a lawyer and has become the establishment.

She has a law degree from Georgetown University. She was a clerk at the Supreme Court. She left a high paying Big Law job to become a federal public defender, because she has the luxury of choosing whatever career she wants. She owns a home, has a dog, and is single.

The other day while she was checking in through security at a courthouse she doesn’t usually go to, the security guard said to her, “and what is your business at the courthouse?” She replied, I’m a lawyer. And that was that. She wasn’t impeded, she wasn’t delayed. Nada.

It so happens this day was also the day I chose to take a quick peak into my old facebook world. and what do I see from her? SEXISM IS ALIVE AND WELL IN AMERICA TODAY The first comment was “MEN ARE TRASH” The rest of the comments were equally as bad. “MEN MUST DO BETTER”

She was wildly offended that the minimum wage minority worker asked her one single question about why she was at the courthouse. She took this to mean that misogyny and sexism were still rampant across America and that ALL MEN ARE TRASH and ALL MEN MUST DO BETTER.

Me, being me, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So I asked her, what was the negative impact on her life? I presented several other viable reasons why he might’ve asked her that other than misogyny, + then I pointed out that he was a min wage minority worker and she the privileged.

She raged on me. And at no time could she understand that she lived a life of “privilege” She went to Georgetown, was a lawyer, a clerk at the Supreme Court, owned a home and did whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Yet, to her, MISOGYNY is alive and well in the US today.

Her other friends piled on, they all called me a woman hater, etc. When I pointed out that “MEN ARE TRASH” wouldn’t sound so good if you said “BLACKS ARE TRASH” or “JEWS ARE TRASH” they didn’t like that much either. These are the most privileged people around acting like this.

Once upon a time this woman was punk rock. She hated authoritarians. She hated “the man.” But now, she has become the authoritarian establishment. Rage Against the Machine is now the Machine. The world is turned upside down, and it’s not getting any better. It’s getting worse. 

After 26 years of “friendship” – this woman blocked me on FB + has effectively ended our relationship, because of her blind rage. How did we get here? How can a woman who runs in the MOST ELITE circles of life still believe she is oppressed? By a min wage worker no less!?

If the absolute most privileged of all women still thinks she is oppressed today, then we have a serious fucking problem. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for her friends. But these people now run our institutions. THEY WORK ON THE SUPREME COURT This is not a delusion.   

Yesterday’s rebels are today’s authoritarians. The most privileged among us think they are oppressed. The ones with the power and money think they are enslaved. All because a minimum wage worker asked her one silly question. The world is on it’s head and we’re all suffering.

She’s an avatar for feminism and the future: mid 40’s single childless she smokes she drinks she overindulges and she’s got be lonely, sad, and confused. she followed the “plan” and what did it get her? a simmering rage ready to burst out at slight provocations.

She did everything she was supposed to do, and yet she’s miserable and therefore the world around her is miserable. more than half of people in their 20’s and 30’s are unmarried. There’s going to be many more of this type of woman in the future. Angry, sad, w/$$ and power.

This is why you got Trump. This is why 9 million people left the Democrats and Voted GOP. This is why the culture war rages. — If you liked this thread, you’re gonna love my book. It’s about all of this and a ton more. Check it out:

Why I never say “I love you too”

In response to Riv’s post that mentioned the quandary of what to respond when a girl says “I love you”, I came up with:

It’s interesting to play with past and possible future scenarios with images and words. I tend to not do that much, if at all. I prefer to be forced on the spot to be enmeshed in the moment, and I have great trust that the moment will produce an appropriate response.

However I also do put a great deal of contemplation and theoretical framework as supports for what could come out in the moment. Sort of like piano, again. The more compositions and musical theory you study, the more variety of spontaneous improvisations you’ll be capable of.

But I do hold as a strong value that improv is the whole point; not winning an appropriate response out of the girl. I mean, it could be winning the battle but losing the war, if every interaction is bogged down in left brained analysis. A big part of the fun is in letting the right brain do it’s thing; in trusting that it will be authentic and smart and open and honest and clever and real, and engage in a way that gives encouragement, fun, discipline, warmth, joy. Trust in the dreamer to be able to dream and go with him; he’s been there for you before, he’ll be there for you again.

I once tried to think this through in a blog post titled improv as the foundation of game.

I think there is really something to be said for improv. I was a student of the students of Trungpa Rinpoche, and one of his students was Alen Ginsberg. Trungpa R would instruct Ginsberg and many of his students to get up on stage in front of crowds and do spontaneous poetry. So Ginberg told us of this history as an introduction to a spontaneous poem. I was blown away. Not only by his ease and confidence, but by the quality of the poem.

I’ve spent time in poetry writing classes, and a few years as a hobbyist poet. It can take weeks to craft and edit a great poem.

Comedians also speak sometimes to how much extra spark you get, in the moment. It’s a real crucible for the very best to come out. And song writers talk of their session jams with literal reverance. There is something about the state of mind of improv, where you rely on the flow moment, in the moment, enmeshed in the very subtle responsive cues from your mind and music and voice the crowd. Waiting until the very last microsecond to respond to the very next microsecond.

It’s a totally different game than thinking “what should I have said or done”.

It’s a different state of being, and it’s the state of being itself that is the medium, which is the message.

J tells me loves me as if trying to ease a constant burning ache. Probably more than 100 times a day. Sometimes she asks me if I love her. I usually say nothing at all, rarely I’ll say don’t ask me that, and sometimes spontaneously and unexpected I’ll tell her that I love her. I never do it on demand, and I never “say it back”. That feels highly unnatural to me. Yes, she wants reassurance. No, I can’t possibly give it to her. She’s insecure, and that’s normal and natural, and she’ll just have to live with the pain of being in love. We all do, and it’s fine.

—————-

In other news, J has a former western boyfriend who has gone of the deep end and is stalking her. He told her family that they were already married, and the shock of it I’m told contributed to her grandmother having a stroke. Her grandmother is not able to speak now. The guy is claiming he’ll come to where she lives and do something nefarious. There might be violence.

In other news, random acts of violence from SE-Asians towards Westerners are still on the increase, and unfortunately this cultural disease seems to be spreading to new areas. The horror stories are bad. I’m of the opinion that the root cause is jealousy and cultural mate guarding. Westerners often hang cute young things on their arm, and are on the whole financially and otherwise better endowed, and locals boil under the collar until random acts of violence occur. The police will be of no help in these matters, and can actually make things worse.

The same old mantra is being repeated more and more, and it’s getting more and more blatant and in your face “where do you think you are?”. Try to just stand up for yourself against random abuse, and you could be on the wrong end of a group beating.

There is also growing mafia presence in some areas that is wiping out tourism. Heartbreaking to see. Crime and violence mixed with corruption and devastating racism. It’s horrific and sad.

Update: One could think of the Bali bombings through the lens of jealousy and cultural mate guarding.  I recall being told that the Muslim bombers were against disco life, as it was decadently not about virginity and monogamy and sobriety.  But there are plenty of targets in Indonesia where mostly only Indonesians get drunk and do drugs and fuck each other like rabbits.  Was it a coincidence that it was the interlopers who got their heads and arms blown off?

Update: When I awoke I felt unsure about this post that I’d written the night before. Was I just trying to brag, or did I have something useful to say? I felt queasy about the idea of even hinting that playing fun games like “What would you do if” was somehow not optimal.  Was I trying to advocate “just be yourself game”?

Then I reread it, and I think there is something in there. Somewhere. Something about improv is a subject worth looking deeper into.

I still feel queasy though, because the human mind is quite tricky; it’s more segmented than we usually realize. Language is tricky. The analytical mind is not exactly in the right hemisphere, and our minds aren’t exactly divided, yet it is fair to say that sometimes even the most brilliant analysis is still a small part of a bigger picture that our overall mind puts together, in the background, without our knowing effort. What would you do if is a great game to play, and helps with our future spontaneity. Looking directly at flow moments and spontaneity as a deliberate goal is quite interesting.

If you read this you will feel Christmas in your heart.

The middle aged handsome woman walked up the stairs, and there was immediate sunshine. She made me feel as if this was completely normal, and was warm, fun and funny, and at smiling ease, as if she knew that I already felt exactly like this. She introduced herself with a twinkling hello, and noticing all the instruments joked that I’ve made the room into a music studio. Her assumption of immediate rapport made it so.

Later in the day I interrupted the man at the gym, and told him that he was the biggest man that I’ve ever seen, and that I was curious as to how much food did he eat every day. Seven Chickens? Very close, he said. I need to eat 8 meals every day. I was struck by how much attention he kept trying to focus on me, being attentive and interesting in my life, as if he was David Bowie and not taking any of this hero worship bullshit and wanted to engage and learn something. Humbling. It made me realize that I’m deficient at paying attention to others, and so I tried to snap out of it, and ask him about himself. Turns out that he is a professional bodybuilder, and that he makes his living this way. His girlfriend at the gym was not only way above average in attractiveness, but her voice was calm yet full of fun. A well rounded yet excitable personality, and hot. A good pair, and they are more than happy with the pairing, they are calmed the fuck down. I’ve only learned about that option recently.

After the gym, I went out to see how attractive I was. Because my girl keeps telling me stories about ever since I’ve convinced her to wear form fitting dresses onto her tiny little 12 year old looking uber slim figure, she’s a constant magnet for guys hitting on her.

I love that. But I’d not feel at my best if it was one sided. So I tested it.

And I got the results that I wanted. Two 17 to 19 year old super hotties and me exchanged holy fuck I’m interested in you long stares and big smiles. Which grew all around between us openly squirmy and fully unabashedly wide after an overt hello wave and “Hi!” voice. I could have sat down at their table. I’m not talking about one girl, I’m talking about two. Two as in two.

So that counts. Then I came home, and explained all this in detail to my “wife”. That it’s fair and good that we both have options. She explained that she puts everything she has – all her love and devotion and attention – into me. And I told her that I respect her voodoo. That I’m different now, and I have no idea why. She’s doing a good job. I’m calmed down.

Later I did a magic power on her. I don’t talk about my magic powers on my blog. I don’t talk about my magic powers to my girls. It’s been said that a man should display value. But I keep some talents hidden, yet pull them out sometimes. Like in that episode of Taxi where the stoner suddenly played perfect piano, then a moment later had no recollection that he could do it.

I have some literal magical powers, if you choose to look at them from a metaphysical point of view. Usually I choose to look at them from a hypnotic point of view, however sometimes more information that is coherent with the facts is conveyed by a more metaphysical view. Neither views are complete. Neither are correct. I don’t claim to know what is reality. But I do claim to know that I can at will put people to sleep by touching them.

And that I was taught this, and that it’s a thing. A teachable thing.

As a student you are taught to try to maintain awareness as the teacher does healing touch on you. You get better at it. Like lucid dreaming.

I’ll leave it here.

Love is as real as you want it to be. You could have spiritual powers, if you were interested.

Sometimes people are stressed and not at their mentally best; maybe they feel insecure in a moment, and so choose emotional paths of “logic” that are actually political paths of agreement with a group in order to get hoped for group benefits.

But think about Joe Rogan for a moment. A man who is not even a mid-wit. He’s an ordinary bloke, with tons of wrong ideas, but he’s a good listener.

It’s not always about hardware. Software changes won’t make you the biggest guy in the gym, but you can be decent. You don’t have to be the smartest, and it’s not always the most attractive to be the biggest or smartest. But you can be that sunshine walking up the stairs. Slowly, step by step, you can.

Oh ya, one guy I really admire is Daysofgame, not because he’s Joe Rogan humble and so has a good reason to be a good listener, but because he’s smart enough to not have to listen, yet is an incredibly good listener.

Way better listener than I am. I’m too involved in my own wonderful and very engaging genius to have learned how to properly engage with people who don’t smell like women. It’s not game over, and I’m getting better, but Nash is one of many inspirations of men who listen and learn.

There are more – I’ve been focusing so hard on breaking wrong views that I’ve neglected the healthy and varied respectable men.

Oh, that reminds me. My last ex. A shout out. A young woman, but youth doesn’t mean lab rat stupid. She had not only free will, but wisdom. I really respect her, and I don’t know how to say it in a way that won’t sound like “oneitis” to people. Think of a friend or grandmother or anyone you intimately know and trust to eventually sooner or later make good decisions for themselves while at the same time being as kind to others as possible. That was V. I’m so glad to have been influenced by her. I learned a lot, from someone half my age. For one thing I learned that it’s possible to be low drama kind and happy. That’s a fraction of it. Anyway, you never know whats around the corner – there are surprising men and women, who are worthy of respect and admiration.

I have more and more shout-outs. Maybe I’ll get to them in post updates.

Mistakes I made in my last business

A few years ago I had many employees working on engineering new technology that was well timed for the market and should have done quite well financially.

It was a good idea, at the right time.

A major problem was finding qualified tech and software engineers in Indonesia. The education system here is very inadequate, and the few talented workers usually are snapped up by foreign countries that have more established and better paying tech companies.

But I also mis-managed. I wasn’t in the office, face to face enough. But I think a big problem was cultural. I really messed up in not being sensitive enough to the conservative culture.

I’m the type of guy who gets off on having public sex. I’ve done quite a lot of it, and I kind of like aggravating people by getting them horny and gossiping. I actually think it’s a positive public service. That overall it makes people happier, and gives them good memories.

But some of my employees left, they said, because I lived on the top floor of the 4th story large office/factory, and had two or three girls who would visit, and the drama leaked out all over the place. For instance I once had to physically carry out a hysterical screaming girl. And I had a westerner on the second floor for a time who had discovered chi-kung sex and him and his main squeeze were extremely loud and frequent. I’m loud too, but as far as I know they couldn’t hear me downstairs from the 4th floor.

I lost some good engineers because of this. One I kept trying to hire back, but he said he wanted to only work for a Muslim company. Another left saying it didn’t feel right to work in a living space, but I know it was code for the drama of my unconventional lifestyle. The girls would often hang out downstairs in the kitchen and sometimes gossip with the staff.

I don’t think any of the female staff were put off. Strangely enough, girls seem to get it. They get it that some guys are going to get a lot of attention, and have multiple girls, and I never got any sense from any of the girls that they were even slightly put off by it.

And some of the guys seemed totally fine. But emotions are tricky. We might not really know why we have them. I have a theory that when people are jealous they don’t usually know that they are jealous. They know that they are offended and angry. They feel that something wrong is happening.

I was extremely insensitive to this. I always thought that it’s simply other people’s problem, and that it was due mostly to ignorance or closed mindedness.

Which was not only insensitive to others feelings, but was financially foolish, and outright mis-management.

It’s not just a cultural difference; I once knew a westerner who complained about my girlfriend, a girl he actually dated first, that she was too loud a screamer in bed, and that this was very rude to the neighbors. I remember once touring with her down from the mountains into town while she was still in a bra on the back of my bike, and he thought this was hugely insensitive to the locals. I didn’t really get either of his viewpoints, at the time. Maybe I’ll never be able to actually empathize, but I can at least care.

I’m a bit of a rascal about deliberately making people sexually jealous. In Thailand I’d revel in the hate stares that the older female tourists would constantly be giving me. It made me feel I was doing it right. They wanted to assume that the girls were somehow abused prostitutes, and tried their best to be oblivious to the impossible to ignore obvious body language of the girls being incredibly doting and smitten. It’s never young hotties that are bothered; my attractive young partners usually attracted around them, especially on the dance floor, a coterie of similarly hot young things. Girls get status associating with similar beauty, so they quickly form cliques, and none of the other hotties ever had any problem with the age and attractiveness disparity at all. So the obvious theory of mind is that the older women were trying to culturally enforce a rule that older men aren’t allowed to date younger women, because it’s too threatening to the stability of long term marriage, and the value of older women. So fuck em, I always thought. I love being out with a hottie and bothering the older women.

Some guys express the idea that it’s actually disgusting and laughable for an older guy to date younger women. They assume that the girls are somehow purchased and would not associate with an older man for any other reason other than provisioning. They get physical revulsion, and think it’s disgusting. Of course this is clearly self serving ignorance. The girls I’m with are very obviously and clearly smitten, and sometimes would cry in public if distressed, or cause huge drama trying to get me back and being monogamous, etc etc etc. Very clear and obvious signals that are impossible to ignore, without an extreme effort at denying reality. So I usually think fuck the guys too. Petty jealousy, clearly.

So I’ve been quite the rascal about it. As if I’m performing a public service by being so counter-cultural, and wandering around town with very much younger hot little girls dressed up to arouse more than mere attention.

And the girls usually revel in this too – and revel in public sexuality – especially loud noises where they know neighbors can hear. They are proud of their sexuality, and get off on the attention too. Girls with above average sexual prowess and attractiveness like to flaunt it and lord it over the others, as a type of super power, especially when they feel they have landed a valuable man that other girls could not get. This is primal; female monkeys are known to have extremely loud sex with with a top alpha monkey in the troup, to advertise their sexual status in the troupe. Their sexual value.

But these seemingly unequal flaunted partnerships do upset some people – older women and younger men, mostly. The ones who would consider me as going against their interests. Young guys don’t want interlopers stealing up all the hot women; they think those belong to them. And older women hate men being out of their control to police. And again, people who are jealous deliberately NEVER know this. They don’t think they are feeling jealousy. There isn’t that type of introspection built into how jealousy works. They feel angry, disgusted, and morally outraged. “It’s so disgusting that that hottie is orgasming on your cock! Horrible! How dare you, you immoral, wrinkly, evil old man!”

Still though, loud fucking where the neighbors can hear? That’s just a part of life, isn’t it? I’ve heard neighbors before; usually it’s the girls who are the screamers, and I just can’t get it how this could bother someone.

I’ve also in the past been highly insensitive to the tremendous heartbreak that the women in my life were put through. They were of course always free to leave me. Right? Weren’t they? Or were they? When you are deeply in love, you aren’t free at all. You can’t turn that off. Eventually you’ll probably snap, but until you do, there is very little freedom. People get obsessed, and love can be choiceless. We don’t say “fall in love” for nothing. You don’t walk into love, you fall uncontrollably; it’s not volitional. And if it’s not volitional, there really isn’t exactly a lot of freedom to leave.

And I knew that and deliberately worked it, for years, with girls who kept telling me they were in pain.

I’ve been monogamous for over 11 months now, and don’t have the same hunting hunger that once completely dominated my life. It’s not a philosophical choice, and I can’t honestly apologize or say I was wrong before. I seemed to be doing what I seemed to have to do at the time. It made sense at the time. But it’s a nice low drama change of pace that heartbreak and drama isn’t built right into the very fabric of who I am and what I do now.

My girl and I are both rather liberally minded, and sometimes imagine somewhat non-traditional activities. But there is no urgency to destabilize our situation. We’re fun loving folks, but I’m not going to underestimate the power of jealousy, and am more sensitive than in the past about pushing people over the edge.

If I had staff again, I’d have to be more sensitive and careful not to be in your face again with non-traditional partnering. That can really bother some people, and although I may never really understand how or why people feel that way, I know that they do.

I’m not quite ready to start my next venture, but am still looking at China. My first visit was very intriguing. I’ll have to learn more about the culture there too; people can harbor resentments, without me knowing, and that can build up and be surprising.

Update: Speaking of “Girls with above average sexual prowess and attractiveness like to flaunt it and lord it over the others, as a type of super power, especially when they feel they have landed a valuable man that other girls could not get.”

Girls are famous for deliberately making other girls jealous. Of course it’s a dangerous game to play, because girls are also always trying to take each other down a few notches. This gets fucking crazy in the Phillipines, where girls use FAKE gossip, all day and all night long. There isn’t the cultural taboo there of lying.

In Canada if you get caught out in a lie, YOU’RE the one who loses face and social status. But it’s not like that in the Phils at all. You can just flat out openly lie with slandering gossip, and it’s fair game. So you get constant crazy bitchy backstabbing wild out of control fake news gossip being slung all over the place.

And admit it guys, you guys do it too. When some guys get emotional, they can really be little bitches about it, and slander other guys with ZERO interest in what the truth is. This is especially true when it comes to older guys being with younger women. Guys get jealous, don’t really fully appreciate what the roots of their emotions are, and will very deliberately avoid knowing anything about the real situation, unless it confirms their negative emotion. They WANT to be slanderous. They don’t want the truth at all.

I’ve heards it said that humans aren’t rational. We are limbic, and just happen to have an available rationality, that is controlled by the limbic system. We can appear rational, but most often it’s our primal monkey brain that dominates.

Chimps are fucking vicious social creatures, and social positioning includes constant political power plays. Yes, we want high status, but that will CERTAINLY make others jealous, and jealousy makes others want to bring you down, the first opportunity they get to safely do so. Because it will bring them up.

But we don’t feel or know that this is what we are doing. We feel righteous and indignant.

And yet as soon as the very guy who was bitching about old ugly guys with hot girls gets old and gets a taste, he miraculously changes his tune, and falls into infatuation, and suddenly it’s all good.

Suddenly instead of being irritated at guys acting too big for their britches, he’s getting a small thrill out of being king of the hill for a change, and gets a little bit of pleasure flaunting his status and making other people uncomfortably jealous.

The politics of the inherited limbic system.

Update:
A relevant comment Nash made on theredquest

The “petit-maitre” is the type of player Feher uses in those quotes. The “littleness” (petit) there (I believe) is in contrast to a full-on Liberterine, that not only wants the sex… but wants polite society to watch while he does impolite things (he wants that more than the sex, actually). He wants to rub a type of wild, sexual chaos in the face of the Victorian types. I understand the appeal… but I don’t share it.

Thank you to my silent readers.

Sometimes I look at my stats to see what pages each viewer visits. I’m heartened when people linger and read many posts, and come back for more.

I do get discouraged sometimes, by a lack of page views, and lack of comments. But I can see that some people are into it, and some of the comments are incredible quality; really good.

So, thanks, and welcome, and hi again to all the very long time readers and commentors. I’ve always wanted to make a community of people who really like and respect each other, and I’ve been re-reading some comments, and they are pretty fucking amazing. I mean, I have a high opinion of myself, but it’s not in a vaccum – some of you guys are my superiors, and put up with me graciously. And there are no sycophants here, and thanks for that too.

Why trying to emulate a player archetype in order to seduce can be horribly counterproductive.

I’d push back a little here… you’re not wrong… but guys that aren’t “certain” of themselves will be distracted by this. They (in some cases) might be better trying on an archetype… rather than trying to invent one of their own.

In the beginning… men have a lot of false theories. And so much uncertainty. “Copying” a successful guy can be a reasonable first step…

I’ve used the example of comedians before. And writers. And musicians. It’s very common to start out emulating a style, but there is never big success without growing into a highly unique individuality. No one successful is completely derivative; it’s about discovering and creating novelty. Novelty is highly attractive, and you can’t copy novelty.

When teaching meditation it’s always done to teach both the absolute and relative views at the same time. That’s Buddhist speak for teach the advanced technique at the same time as the beginner technique. Because sometimes we’ll be able to be advanced, right from the beginning, and always we need direction and an over-arching view of where we can aim and head for.

So for meditation, it’s taught that you can rest your mind and not try to fight against thoughts, and just be present, without really doing anything. But for beginners that doesn’t work at all. They’ll just daydream or fall asleep. So you teach focus and slapping your mind upside the cheek every time you have a thought, to bring yourself back to the focus.

But then sometimes even beginners relax. So they need to know it’s fine to relax. That it’s best to relax. So you teach both mindfulness, and awareness.

For game you can’t just teach K and R selection and what to emulate. That misses the big picture and the whole point.

There are highly charismatic married men who provide for their many girlfriends, and get laid like crazy and have devoted love slaves and are charming as fuck.

Absolutely nothing to do with K or R. That’s a side show, that has nothing to do with nothing.

It’s just a distraction.

Like focusing on a candle flame is just a distraction. Not the point at all.

I mean, a candle flame can be a point. But it’s not what meditation is, anymore than visualization or chi-kung or hatha yoga or kundalini is meditation. There are infinite good types of meditation, even if dzogchen or formless meditation is perhaps an example of the penultimate insight.

You can meditate on being an archetypal bad boy, with the costume to match, and that can “work”. Or you can meditate on being a married professor, and that can work at least as well.

The form is nearly irrelevant and that’s incredibly important to know.

Because people have predilections.

I used to do mantra meditation before I met my community which focused on shamata vipassana. They explained to me that they preferred if I just did what everyone else did, down to the smallest details of the form.

So I learned their style of sitting meditation, but eventually I refused to do the suggested technique of imagining my self going out into the room on the out-breath. That gave me a headache. This did not make me popular with a few of the meditation teachers, who considered me stubborn and arrogant. Only later, in that community, was I introduced to various Tibetan teachers who explained many other forms of shamata vippasana, and my personal technique that I seemed to have invented was described back to me as a real thing called dzogchen.

In that community people also “graduated” from sitting meditation to doing complex visualizations and chanting. I was told that my simple practice had more profound effects on me personally than the gains that many of the senior students were getting from visualization. And I could not visualize at all, and I still can’t.

So predilection is a really big deal. You don’t want to try to be a bad boy pump and dumper if really you are into having girlfriends and even living with them. It would be stupid to do that, really. It’s also completely irrelevant.

You’ve got to put some faith in your own interests, and follow the ones that give the best returns. There are infinite ways to be attractive; you don’t have to choose to be something that you are not interested in being. It’s when you are interested in something that you get especially good at it. And getting especially good at something is attractive.

When it comes to becoming attractive, you really do have to be into what you are doing and who you are becoming. You can’t just be angry at the sluts you are fucking and throw away all personal responsibly for treating yourself and others well with hand waiving towards giving in to “the decline”. No, when it comes to being attractive, it’s attractive to actually love the women you fuck. It’s very unattractive not to. Communities that avoid this obvious fact are clearly broken and twisted and promoting poor mental and social health.

I’d like to think that people would easily come to this intuition inside themselves, if they take some time to open to their own hearts and minds. There are some intuitions that are clearly better to follow than teachings. Teachers don’t know you. They don’t know your life.

In fact that is an explicit and often stated Buddhist teaching. If you have to choose between a teachers instructions and your own well thought out beliefs, go with your own. I was taught that many times. That helps to make Buddhism self correcting and evolving. You discover your truth, you don’t adopt someone else’s.

What is true for you, in seduction, will eventually with certainty become vastly different than what is true for anyone else. You should know that from the beginning, because you need to give yourself permission to become what you want to become, and have relationships with girls who you actually like. And the types of relationships that you actually like.

The idea that either K or R selected, provider or cad, is sexier and gets you laid faster with more or better quality women is really facile. Really extra-ordinarily over simplified to the point of being wrong. A total sideshow.

Many facts of life were discovered by simple mind experiments, including Einsteins theory of relativity. Simple mind experiment: imagine you are a girl, and are way into this charming charismatic man who has firm boundaries and is great in the sack. One day he offers to pay for a trip to a foreign country. And your university schooling. And your apartment. Are you suddenly going to be into him LESS?!!

It’s completely absurd, and the entire concept is mostly used as rationalization for people to do what they are already inclined to do, while putting themselves in the best possible light.

It’s a rationalization that intimacy makes you weak, and that your lack of going after it is a sign of strength and charisma.

But it’s the complete opposite.

Retaining women’s passion and insane levels of devotion that makes them literal human slaves is a HUGE skill, MORE valuable than picking them up. Way way way more valuable.

——–

I’ve been living with J for over 11 months. She moved in basically on the first date. And she still tells me that she loves me more than 20 times a day and is obsessively crazy head over heels for me, dotes on me constantly, oral and sex not only on demand, but offered up constantly, to the point of distraction. This is normal. This has been my normal for many many years with many many women.

It’s not random chance and accident. I’ve been documenting about this here for ages. And she’s only 22 to my 52, slim, and noticeably above average in attractiveness. Also completely normal. I haven’t dated anyone over 23 in ages, unless they grew into being older, and they nearly always do. Women stay with me as long as they can bear it if I’m not monogamous, and usually come back to me over and over if they break up.

That’s all normal, and it’s a thing. A thing that has nothing to do with K or R or provider or not provider. The sliders are various – getting focused on one slider to distraction is a HUGE mistake.

Now many people online have an agenda and try to work backwards from their preconceptions when they pretend to use reason. So they’ll say that my results are due to my location. Not influenced by, but due to. Even though I’ve never met or even heard of any other westerner (or local) getting anything close to similar results, living in any country. My results are at minimum extraordinarily rare, and extremely consistent. The people who try to put it down to location could never replicate my results merely by changing their own location, and they know it, so when asked if it’s true then why don’t they also move, they ALWAYS come up with some bullshit “reason” why they are not able or interested to do so.

Rationalizations and backward rationalizations account for a good deal of what is pawned off as reason in too many discussions, even by leaders and so called experts. People do what they are comfortable doing, and then explain why they are doing it, using their internal press secretary, and sounding all logical when it’s really all limbic.

People use “reasons” to pump and dump and avoid intimacy, build up huge systems of what attraction is, discount and dismiss any information that contradicts their mental maps (such as that it’s been scientifically proven that women orgasm more for wealthy men, and that women DON’T have a dual mating strategy and DON’T show different mate preferences when ovulating when they are married to high testosterone men). It’s very often a collusion of like minded men who gather into self selected groups, and you get in-group out group group mind thinking.

It’s very dangerous, when people are looking for advice for how to be happier. Very dangerous to stumble upon these giant group mind consensus that seem so “reasonable”.

And we can’t point all our fingers at the guys generously trying to teach what they know. The problems really start from the bureaucratically minded noobs, who think that there are rules and secret systems that they can learn. “Oh, that’s beta behavior!” they’ll expertly admonish, from the comfort of their lounge chair. They will learn the rules and roles of a group and become an excellent parrot, all the while having very little real life experience, and yet will chime in with their expert opinion daily. Their opinion about what they have read, and their very few experiences based on very underdeveloped social skills with girls.

These are the guys that make monsters out of teachers, because it gives the teachers feedback that is insanely out of touch with reality. Newbies will of course often have twisted mentalities that are immature and outright unhealthy. No one knows what it is that he doesn’t know, but it can be worse with newbs – they can “know” bad attitudes such that they ask how to get to the wrong place. “How can I be expert at seducing women who are twisted mind fucking human rent-a-bikes?” “How can I be expert at avoiding heartbreak or commitment or attachment?” And the teachers have to answer over and over questions from broken or underdeveloped mind-sets, and hear parroted back as gospel their worst ideas. Until an entire cannon of bad ideas is built up, that they then identify with, defend, and build upon.

We have a word for keyboard jockeys in Buddhism too. They are called scholars. Buddhism is about hearing, contemplating, and meditating. It’s the meditation that makes personal transformation. Dating is analogous to meditating. Contemplating about YOUR OWN FUCKING PERSONAL real life relationships is helpful. Disclosing your thoughts about your own real lived life is brave and helpful. Contemplating about second and third and infinitely off hand reports and theories of others is mind wank keyboard jockeying that adds noise and prevents personal and group insight and growth.

————————————-
And another comment I made over at Nash’s blog:

Before there is muscle memory, there is learning. Sometimes it’s conscious aha moments, especially for things like no doesn’t mean no. That’s a fun one to learn. I’ve tried to explain, using examples, how no doesn’t mean no many times on forums, and it’s usually not well received.

It’s one of those things you have to learn for yourself. You have to live the nuance, and get the real feedback, to make it real and useful. It’s not an idea, it’s an experiential reality. The idea is only a map after you experience the territory. Otherwise it’s like explaining the color red to a blind person.

Treat em mean to keep em keen is like that too. You might have an idea about it that won’t work for you, but if you live an experience that very broadly fits into that map, it will not be negative to you. Just like no doesn’t mean no seems VERY negative to most people, but is completely positive to anyone who actually lives through the experiences.

But I do agree, I prefer low drama women who don’t demand negative treatment. Absolutely. Mental health is a very serious issue, and impacts hugely on our quality of life. The principal doesn’t have to be extreme, it can be subtle. For instance yesterday J said “Kiss me”, and I said “No.” She was shocked, then beamed a big smile at me and congratulated me for the balls. She was really impressed, and it was like I passed a test.

That could fall into the category of treat em mean to keep em keen; have boundaries and expectations, and don’t always comply with demands, just because she makes them. And if you are not treated up to your reasonable expectations, sometimes you need to be forceful. As forceful as required. If you are not as forceful as required, then it’s bad parenting, more likely, than merely a bad woman.