I’ve been very critical against some manosphere memes and those who spread them. The reason is because I believe that these memes can directly cause tremendous personal and social harm, by stunting personalities and lives.
It’s my belief that deep down humans are wired to seek out pair bonding and love.
It’s my belief that much relationship advice directly prevents succeeding at these immutable and innate hard wired deep human drives.
The pre 2012 writings of Heartiste directly and openly admitted to the tremendous and inescapable value of love – and how love is the greatest possible pleasure. Later he de-emphasised this, then seemed to completely forget it, then seemed to completely negate it. Eventually he kept harping over and over on a clear falsehood – that confidence is the root of all real attraction. To him all atractive traits can be reduced to and replaced by confidence. Pure bullshit that will directly prevent you from finding and maintaining loving relationships.
Rollo says that it’s impossible to be in a loving long term relationship. You can either pump and dump, or be a doormat who is not respected.
Roosh is just schizoid, and all but insane. He’s deeply anti intimacy, and yet somehow thinks that intimacy could be possible, if only he could find a woman good enough. Nothing is about him – it’s all about culture and women’s beliefs and habits. He bans and prevents comments outside of his incredibly narrow and harsh belief system.
I’ve talked in greater detail many times about my disagreements with the philosophies and teachings of these dangerous and harmful men. Please don’t underestimate their power over your mind, and their ability to personally harm you and your life.
I need to keep getting back to that, over and over, because some habits of mind directly will block your ability to give and receive love.
In order to give and receive love, you need to:
1) Believe that this is possible, attainable, and good, for you personally
2) Believe that you can realistically meet and date and spend a great deal of time with a woman worth of loving
It will be quick and obvious to see that many popular relationship experts can’t accept the most basic fundamental premises required for love, which is REQUIRED for human happiness.
So they are really trying to fuck up your life.
You might notice the next time that you are into a girl, that you are wary of leaning in too far into emotionality, because you’ve been heart broken in the past, and you don’t want to fall into a vulnerable position again.
It’s a wise instinct. I have to admit it; love and heartbreak are two sides of the same coin. Usually one leads to the other.
But it’s still worth it.
Which leads us to a 3rd and 4th requirement to be able to give and receive love;
3) Being able to maintain strong interpersonal boundaries (so as not to lose one’s self)
4) Being able to constantly repair ones boundaries and well being, through lifestyle and meditative and body centered meditative disciplines. You can afford cuts scrapes and bruises if you can heal. The greater regenerative capacity you grow, the greater your ability to risk injury. Love requires a strong heart – and a strong heart is both vulnerable-and-sensitive-and-open, and well defined with clear boundaries of acceptable situations to be in and behavious to accept. And a strong heart heals strongly – it’s our biological and emotional fact of life; life is about constant regeneration. So is love.
Character and wisdom demonstrably come directly through sorrow, and this has been statistically studied. This blog is too low traffic for it to be worth my time to dig up links, but I’ve posted on it before. I know, there are over 900 blog posts here, so if you want to follow up on that thought, it’s still a matter of your own interest and Google-fu. But we all share that same intuition; who doesn’t prefer the company of wizened battle hardened happy folks?
Rough ideas that I may edit:
- Love is somewhat dependent on physical lust – in both directions. You need to both be proud of how she looks, and be into her type physically, and get off just from seeing her, smelling her, contemplating her, and also you need to have a self respect and eroticism. You need to be proud of how you look, and get off on your own sexual response, and know that she is proud of your physicality and eroticism and how she can get you sexually high.
- A very quick way to mutually share love is through role play. We have intrinsic evolved responses that go back millions of years into the history of how our emotional systems work. These responses are archetypal. The most basic, fundamental, old, powerful, archetypal emotions relating to love all spring from our most basic, oldest, emotional responses of all – those of parents to children, and of children to parents.
- You can very quickly fall into workable habits of mutual love, simply by role playing Daddy Daughter. Girls fall into it near immediately – usually with just the barest of hints that you are into that. Very occasionally some girls will be reticent about that game, but it’s too deep to really avoid – the intellect evolved much later, and the emotions are stronger and more base – it really doesn’t matter if the intellect disapproves at all. The intellect might disapprove of a certain man or woman, but you’ll still get wet or hard. Daddy Daughter goes too deep to be affected by approval or disapproval.
- Daddy Daughter is also a good archetype to use in general, outside of the bed. You’ll allow yourself more patience, and personal authority. She’ll allow herself more abandon and respect.
- A major issue that I don’t think has been addressed at all, on any relationship forum, is the incredible importance of relationship practice. People are not innately good at being in relationships. They fail often not just because women suck. Sure, compatibility is important, but relationship is a skill – a difficult skill. At least as difficult as piano. It takes practice practice practice and you learn more and more and more. You can’t learn it from a book, you can’t learn it all at once, and you can’t know what it is yet that you need to learn. No one can tell you. You only learn piano in steps – only by practice. Relationship skill is a skill.
- Daygame skills barely overlap with relationship skills. You can be the top pickup artist in the world, and still be completely inept at giving and receiving love with an attractive young woman, and maintaining passion day after day for the longer term. If you are interested in relationships, you need to very clearly see and know this. Getting a girl into bed is barely related to keeping her in passionate obsessive devoted love with you.
Feeling love is similar to feeling joy. I assume most of us tend to avoid feeling happy, at some deep fundamental level. We carry around with us like a childs comfort blanket this constant burden of feeling alienated and wanting.
Even in the middle of the most rapturous sex, this bad habit of mind can intrude, making it impossible to really feel loved, and to truly give over to that joyous celebration of mutual lusty devotion.
The easiest way around these neurotic mind habits are through the meditative disciplines. Perhaps augmented by very rare psychedellic drug use. Body centered meditations, and especially chi-kung get you into being being, and out of thinking about and watching being. With body centered being, you can be love – just embody and feel and control and use your emotions, just like you sometimes do when you are totally into some song and riffing along with it in voice. You join in with that song, and are at your full creative potential in your flow moment, embodying your emotions and body all together without need for separation.
You need to respect your own psychological need to do this, and respect that this is natural and default for women; they love to be in love. They want and need it, just like naive teenagers. You don’t need an excessive self regard to feel loveable. People just like to love; it’s perfectly natural, and you can be a good enough receptacle for that attention. Especially with care and practice.
* Being with someone is about re-enforcing habits. Habits of your own behaviour and moods and attitudes, and habits of your companion.
I suppose a definition of being charismatic is exactly that; the ability to re-enforce in others a habitual sense of joy for being around you.
I hear people often complain that they could not imagine being happy spending a lot of time with a woman, especially living with one full time, and working from home.
I think it’s not only a matter of personality style. I think it’s also a matter of relationship habits. And of course sexual habits.
I’ve written quite a bit about sex, and it’s my belief that lust is a huge help to maintain interest, and therefore the habits that increase lust, such as not having frequent orgasms if these tire you or lead you to disinterest, and doing chi-kung and lifestyle improvements that increase libido. Who hasn’t heard the joke of losing all feelings of love and interst after having a male orgasm? Male orgasm, because some women can actually get chatty and needy after coming. The reverse is also true; keeping your libido increases your interest in the woman. You’ll learn to prefer having that interest, and so will she. It’s better for the both of you if you are interested in each other.
Along with regular passionate sex, there are many other big and small ways that spending a great deal of time with a companion can become easy and fun.
You need to be able to enforce your quiet time boundaries; usually people simply don’t talk to each other. This is difficult for women, at first. But they get used to it, and it’s completely going to be your job to make that so. You will get annoyed if there is unwanted chatter all the time. Eventually the both of you will learn to appreciate silent company, as if you can feel each other in the space, and like that feeling. A feeling you both feed – a feeling of contentment and humor and appreciation. Maybe you had that with your Grandma as a young child. Being together is not equal to being burdened; we can learn the joys of shared silence. And be fed by the shared silence, and feed into it.
Just as it takes you time to learn, it will take your woman. You are both flawed characters, but at your best you’ll be trying to make each other happy – lately I’ve had girlfriends who do this as habit. Before I’ve had girlfriends who would often do the reverse, and deliberately cause angst. It’s quite common for women to be troublesome deliberately, and difficult to avoid, but it is avoidable. It’s not their fault entirely. Eighty percent is up to your own actions, 20 percent is up to your mate choices; and of course mate choices means being able to attract as well as being able to choose.
Some women are great to go sexually quickly, but others can take one or even two or even more years to slowly grow into their ability.
It’s also quite a bit your own responsibility that this happens. Again, Daddy Daughter is a decent mental framework. Younger guys obviously can’t be in a position to mentor, and so I recommend young guys spend time with older women, who are very appreciative mentors. Some older women do very well in the role of mentor, and have more to teach than you can know; elders always do. Later you can switch up the roles, with younger and younger and younger mates.
Strangely enough, you’ll learn a lot about being an authentic masculine authority in young women’s lives by as a young man dating much older women who mentor you. The dynamic is different in ways, and similar in others. The regalness and mutual respect from different positions remains.
If I drink, I’ll eventually ask you to tell me a story. When I’m out on the town with my 21 year old little girl, sometimes it gets to the point that I ask her to tell me a story. Inevitably she recounts our first date.
It was really that good. I’ve documented it here. It’s etched in her mind, and fresh. Our love is at least as strong as fresh young infatuation. Love can last longer than the average 6 months to max 2 years. In a minority of people the measured blood hormones associated with passionate love remain indefinately.
She still tells me that she loves me many times a day, just like she did from day one. She came this morning many times, and I was quite full of bonded attachment and love for that small child like woman.
It’s a skill.
If you want it.
I had to believe, on that first date, that all that actually did happen between us could happen between us. To me it was simply inevitable and obvious.
I wrote this as a poem once: “Cynycism is the dust on angels eyelashes”. Or something like that. Cynicism is just dust on our eyelashes – it’s not our vision, not our heart or understanding or soul. It’s just dust.
Relationship isn’t a skill in the same way that learning the facts of history is a skill.
You can’t memorize being competent at interpersonal skills.
Can you find a book that will teach musical improvisational skills?
You think there is some guy who can teach you to day game?
No. Well, not quite.
I’ll prove it quickly.
When the Beatles first came on the scene, most all bands that they knew only played cover tunes. Playing cover tunes is a level of competence, sure, but no one gives the same respect to others or ourself for mimicry.
Later they thought they should create their own tunes.
There is a lot of music created by different people, and it’s all quite distinct, even as we usually can recognize what comes from each distinct artist.
When you create music, you’re on your own.
Being good at relationships is like being good at music. It’s going to be your own creation, and it’s going to be extremely different at different times in your life, and with different women.
There is no book about this.
You can’t learn improv, exactly, yet you can learn improv, and it does help to hang around and improv with others. Seeing others do it makes you see that it’s an option, and you might try it, on the spot.
It’s really up to you to forge and discover your way.