Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

How the fighting spirit makes a routine out of turning loss into gain

Posted by xsplat on July 20, 2014

It’s not only necessity that mothers invention. It’s also loss.

Emotions are tricky to work through. You need to acknowledge them and that leads to some down time. But it’s not only that you can’t keep a good man down. It’s that the challenges make the man. Literally.

Challenges create opportunities.

It’s the defeats and the losses and the setbacks that directly lead to the biggest long term wins. I’m not trying to talk in metaphors or inspirations. That’s how the world actually works.

I’m going through some relationship restructuring with one of my girls. Her figure compels me to fuck her and maintain her attraction for me, by all means necessary. I’ve developed some skills, so she remains addicted, and views me still as the strongest interest. For now. But it will fall apart.

Because of a cultivated fighting spirit and constantly seeking to realistically better my position, I have developed skillfull, insightful, outside the box ways to do better.

In fact my plan is to impregnate five super hot model teenage girls of my exact body preferences. And have them all be very smart. And in love with me.

I found out today that my number one main man apprentice, adopted son, best friend and business partner will be moving on to apprentice with another charismatic and wise mentor. It’s a serious and heartbreaking loss. Of course I’ll miss the guy. People are not fungible; a steak sandwich can’t replace poached salmon. An apple can’t replace an orange. There is only one of him, and that one won’t be replaced.

But because he was so valuable, there is a noticed need. And because now I am stronger and wiser and more adept and have better connections, I’m in a better place to fill the broad need.

Partly because of my number one, the income here has increased. I’ve also been working on my own projects. If I were to count chickens from eggs (and I’ve been wrong every time I’ve done that), I would count that within two months income will increase by at least 50k per month. And I have a realistic goal of making 1/2 million per month within a year, if not within six months.

So instead of cutting in interns at the ground floor, this will open up other options of enticing the best and the brightest using traditional means of mere salary. I’m going to pay locals a very good rate, and will even look to recruit the best and the brightest westerners. Using dollar figures, instead of a piece of the future.

I’m not going to detail my plans for getting the teen-up-to-21 agers in love and impregnated. But I’m not only confident I can do it, I KNOW I can do it. The hottest and smartest and most capable mothers and companions. Just getting one for an old ugly man most would consider impossible. I know how I’m going to get five. And in the process of getting them I might fuck dozens or scores.

It’s the loss that leads to this. Comfort is great, but it doesn’t drive you.

Loss is a really good friend.

Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

I’m not obligated to love you.

Posted by xsplat on July 14, 2014

I’ve fallen into the trap before of spending time with women out of obligation. Taking care of their emotional security needs out of obligation.

I don’t do that any more. Because I don’t have to.

An abundance mentality is only a catch22 if you are trying to feel and believe something that does not exist in order to have an effect. Step one then step two. Step one, maximize your position and have genuine options; have other girls and be able to develop a new pipeline. Step one might take decades of personal and business work and moving around the globe, or it might be a matter of a few small changes.

I don’t do mentalities. I don’t create and re-create narratives in my head in order to maximize my mood. I do reality. I create realities in order to maximize my position.

Men and women change their strategies according to their options. When you REALLY have options, it’s not about mentality. It’s about making choices.

And I don’t want to make the poor choices I used to, of being with women out of obligation to “the relationship”.

After a poor date with my N18 I found myself greatly irritated and snapped out these offline messages to her as she was walking back home:

Hi­

It seems you can’t get over the fact that I don’t want to live with you.

Ya, you should probably one way or another adjust.

Because I’m not going to love you more just because you want me to. I will only spend time with you if I WANT to.

Not because I lived with other girls in the past.

You don’t get to spend time with me because “now it’s your turn”.

I have to actually WANT to be with you. That’s all. That’s it. Finished and end of story.

If we aren’t spending more time with each other it’s because I don’t want to.

You can’t make me want to be with you more by crying or begging or making a fuss every time I leave your apartment or ask you to go home.

Frankly a LOT of the time you are a very annoying girl.

Really.

If you were less annoying I’d WANT to be with you more.

It’s pretty simple.

I’ve tried 1000 times over and over to correct your annoying behaviour, but you don’t learn fast or try hard.

I STILL have to repeat myself many times to say anything at all to you.

You STILL mumble all the time, and I can’t hear what you are saying. That’s really annoying.

Basically it’s impossible to talk to you at all.

And you don’t act like a faithful number one, but you still want all the privileges of one. As if I owed it to you.

The only way I’ll WANT to spend time with you, is if I enjoy it.

That’s IT. Not because YOU want it.

And a lot of the time, a really big percentage of the time, you are not enjoyable to be around.

Very negative.

Uncommunicative.

Always lying.

Bad temper.

Talking in a rude voice.

And just in so many ways really a very annoying human being.

If I ever loved some other girl more or treated some other girls differently you should ask yourself why.

And look to yourself.

And don’t just expect the same treatment for different behaviour.

50% of humans have a vagina.

Yours is not made of gold, and won’t automatically make me live with you.

You don’t even come at all.

Your blowjobs are great, but come on. You don’t even come.

And I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you let go into experiencing strong bliss.

So I think I give you plenty of time and attention, considering. And I”ve given you the best opportunity for a future I know how to give you.

If you are waiting to marry me then you should adjust your expectations.

It’s not going to happen.

I’ve been irritable all morning just thinking about the relationship.

I see the writings of many men who feel unlovable. On therationalmale an ugly commenter explains how ugly people have no hope with attractive women. It’s not only his personal experience, but he makes some sound arguments why it’s out of his control.

And N18 does the same bullshit about her personality. She says it’s out of her control and all the fault of her parents and circumstance.

Being loveable is a skill.

People with little experience of being loved want and perhaps even NEED to downplay that fact.

Being loveable is a skill.

Nobody deserves love. We are not newborn babies and I’m not some mothers nipple. We earn it, through our actions.

By adding value. By being happy and sharing happiness. By feeling content and sharing contentedness. By adding value in every possible way that our lover can appreciate.

You can’t ask someone to love you. You can’t expect someone to love you.

If he enjoys being around you and if you make him happy, the emotions will follow.

Guys have the same issue. People walk around with negativity as their default mode of being. They are not happy people. They are not finding girls who love them, because…

They are not loveable people!

Being loveable is a skill. It might take years to learn it. It might take enormous personal and business and location development. You don’t deserve it, and it IS under your control.

I’ve noticed before that when I spend a lot of time mulling angrily over some girls behaviour it’s mostly my fault. For not being with a better girl. And this morning I’m really irritated and cranky.

Obviously N18 isn’t all bad or I wouldn’t keep seeing her. But people get put into the place that they earned. Nobody gets to assume a monogamous relationship as the #1 girl, anymore than a mail clerk gets to assume he should be CEO.

Whatever love you are getting right now? That’s what you’ve earned. Don’t blame the bitches. Look in the mirror.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »

Life is not a hedonic treadmill, it is a strategic war for fullfillment, happiness, bliss and contentment.

Posted by xsplat on July 9, 2014

the judge said: There are times when I feel nostalgic for a life I never lived but wanted to where I fell in love and had the high school love that frankly was impossible for my high school self and want to make the decision to attach myself to someone and affect that persons life for the sake of it but then I read testimonials like this.

This all seems..exhausting.

Risk/reward.

There are four basic categories of ways to increase happiness and avoid suffering

1) influence and change external situations
2) mind training
3) pharmaceuticals, supplements, diet and hormones
4) fitness

Within the category of mind training is a sub-category of philosophy, which includes internal narratives.

Your narrative seems to be that high reward is not worth high risk.

For the last several years I’ve been mostly pretty happy. Happy enough that it seemed noteworthy to me, and I’ve been trying to systematize how to create and maintain this happiness. For me a lot of this happiness involves relationships and sex and money. And chi-kung.

My narrative tells me that it’s not enough to just lower expectations and accept things as they are. That would be working solely on mind-training. That had not worked by itself for me – the external situations are hugely influential, no matter how much our philosophies tell us that they SHOULD not be.

Philosophy is useless in the dentist chair.

The external situations have huge effects.

I find that when things are well set up, I am learning and growing and enjoying and can not only be warm and content but have times of bliss and even extreme bliss.

But I can’t have that without risk.

The rewards that I’ve been personally experiencing are profoundly important to me.

I’m getting back on track to that bliss and wellbeing even now.

The down and difficult times are simply part of the process.

Buddhists have a conceptions of “samsara”, which is the fact that situations are interdependent and cause and effect is constantly causing flux and changes. Since happiness IS relative to external situations, happiness within “samsara” changes. The Buddhist “solution” to this is to try to detach from being affected by external situations through mind training.

It doesn’t work. Mind training is so helpful that I consider it essential to the good life, however as a philosophy of happiness it doesn’t work.

You need the externals. For me I need love in my life, to be at my best. That’s a fact.

Being happy is a strategic war. It’s not a series of battles, it’s a full out strategic war. You must plan, craft, put in the work, and win. Happiness is largely due to circumstance, and affecting circumstance is a life long strategic process.

As is mind and body training.

When people talk of the “hedonic treadmill”, mostly they are just making excuses for not wanting to try hard.

The concept of a hedonic treadmill is one of those dangerous partial truths. It’s just accurate enough to be dangerously wrong. The wider territory is that we can HUGELY affect our own happiness, and that happiness can grow and grow over time, with mind training and circumstance improvement. You can deliberately create and maintain not only an ongoing feeling of contentment, but even move into times of great happiness and bliss, and even extreme blisses.

That is not done on the couch thinking about “is it worth it?”

It’s done through Pavlovian training, one small step at a time. Giving yourself rewards and learning to feel and amplify those rewards for behaviors that you have chosen to use to win your war. Feel the happiness for the dollar earned. Feel the contentment for love you generate. Feel the pride for the music you make. And so on.

Rather than deaden these feelings so as to never feel loss, you feel them, and accept that samsara is the game. Use samsara. Use the fact of interdependent cause and effect to your advantage. Don’t detach from life. Evolution gave your fore-bearers attachments just so that you could have the opportunity to use them. Pleasure and suffering are foundational tools without which we could not win. Use your attachments as tools to win the war.

Life without love is losing at life.

To win any war you have to plan for the losses. You can’t avoid battles in order win. Heartbreak in life is a sign that you are out there fighting properly.

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Why I’m heartbroken for a girl I don’t like

Posted by xsplat on July 6, 2014

Assortative mating is a bitch, because emotions.

My dad keeps telling me that I should date smarter women. For the last few years I’ve had a young big tittied hottie underneath and riding on top. I feel both love and gratitude to be with such a hot girl – as if she’s several points above my pay grade. Her curves and face have an effect on people. A surfer dude at a club was instantly smitten, and clutched his chest in crestfallen heartbreak when he found out she was with me. Then he enthusiastically congratulated me. I had that girl locked down for years. She was crazy in love with me.

But she’s dumb.

Things took several turn and twists for the worse between us after I moved a tight teenager into an apartment and kept her as a 2nd. In our hot tempers we did everything we could to get what we wanted; she wanted monogamy and I wanted a 2nd. I screamed at her to please get out of my life and she threatened me.

But by now we had formed some deep pair bonds, and we couldn’t quit each other.

The mental maps for seduction and relationships that most red-pill guys have are vastly insufficient. So many guys keep spouting off about how “attraction” is about some R selected aloof bad boy game. Oh, man, people could not be more deficient in their conception of sexual selection. Attraction is ALSO composed of so much more; the mating game includes powerful pair bonds, and right from the start seduction can incorporate developing those bonds.

Creating and sustaining those bonds is quite a skill, and the strength of them is blown off by people. Why? Because they have no experience? Because when those bonds break it’s painful and girls turn on men with vicious cruelty and steal everything that we have?

I’ve had many periods of my life when I had extreme heartbreak. Recently I’ve been going through some bouts of bad pain, and I can’t even count the number of times in my long past where I sobbed uncontrollably. Sometimes right in front of the women I was in love with.

And I’ve had girls sob uncontrollably in front of me, more times than I’ll ever be able to remember.

Once upon a time I was in love with a genius 10. Six weeks after we met she flew away to meet her fiance, and at the airport we both sobbed uncontrollably. We both sobbed for days and weeks after that.

The bonds that people can create can be deep beyond any reason.

A lot of guys honestly believe that the-red-pill of game knowledge is about being free from putting oneself into such vulnerable positions. Heartbreak is for beta losers and women don’t get attracted to vulnerable men.

It’s not that most manosphere thinking is wrong, it’s that it is partial. A partially correct idea is the most dangerous. I would like to shine some light to show more territory.

If you can’t feel the pain of heartbreak, you can’t feel the joys of bonding, and if you can’t love you can’t be loved. In order to get an attractive girl to fall and remain fallen in love with you, you MUST be vulnerable. That’s how bonding works.

Now you can control it, to a degree. You play push pull and front and manipulate your image and never show too much underbelly. But it’s still choice-less that to be loved you have to love, and being vulnerable is an inseparable part of that process. Genuinely vulnerable to some uncontrollable serious pain.

I’ve had times lately when I take all drugs and alcohol I can get my hands on, just to get some relief from the pain. Tramadol. Ghb. Beer. My girl of nearly 4 years has been dating around and I can’t get her to stop. The thought crossed my mind while I was in N18 today and it made me limp. I stopped and walked out of the apartment.

And yet I don’t even like M25.

These bonds we can create surprise even ourselves.

And M25 and I still can’t quit each other. All the pain goes away and I feel good again when I’m with her. After fucking her I feel like the king of the world again. I appreciate my banana head N18 more. I can approach new girls with greater joy and confidence. I’m myself again; a full, rich man.

I’m even thinking of making that stupid girl pregnant.

Phew.

And yet I know I invest too much time with these girls. Therefore I’ve been building up an entire lifestyle that is meant to funnel smarter and higher status model quality girls into my life and the lives of my team members. My main man met a super bright highly sexual girl and it’s the perfect inspiration. That’s what I’ve had, that’s what I know is attainable, and that’s what I want. I love hearing them scream and moan for hours on end. Inspires me to go out and approach.

And I’ve been going out several days a week. At first I’d go out with N18 and she’d do all the talking. Then I’d run ahead and talk to girls alone. And lately I go out alone and hand out cards and explain about my modelling agency front-business to the best girls I can find.

It crossed my mind to call up 10 and invite her to get pregnant. I’m nearly 50 and it’s about time I got started on that next big project. Assortative mating is a bitch. We fall emotionally for what we think is the best we hope to get.

My Dad was a sucker for tits, ass, and a pretty face. My Mom was a hottie, and so was her sister, in their day. And my mom wasn’t too bright. Dad had three boys, and I was the only one that got his brains.

And I’m just like him. I’m the same sucker.

And just like him I’d prefer to get the hottie with the brains.

That’s an incredible challenge.

Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments »

Why Johnny Depp is charismatic

Posted by xsplat on June 30, 2014

It’s not his upper lip, with that huge cupids bow.

Straight males explain their orientation, but make an exception for Depp.

The Pareto Principle explicates that we can’t know what we don’t know. It’s above our pay grade to know certain state secrets. We are too ignorant and stupid to know what it is about each of Depps characters that is still so magnetizing and hypnotic.

Tonight I’m all dressed up. I’ve got my best shoes. The good pants. My body and my hormones are all lined up. I’ve stayed away from the banana head for a few day to up the sexual frustration.

But I’m still at home, looking in the mirror.

I think that’s the beginning of how Depp began his learning process.

A few years ago I took up the piano. I just left it to play; boys learn by play. Just play around, and the natural feedback mechanism will adjust the outcomes. I’ve learned a lot through play, and that continues every day. I get instant feedback. I can hear it.

The mirror.

The mirror tells me surprising things, as the piano. There is a surprising amount of influence over my own internal state, and it’s a surprise how even I’m influenced by the mirror. I change, I see, and then I change.

The fluidity and control, can be, through a feedback loop, increased.

Depp is a dazzling exmample of learned charisma. Genius, talent. And learning.

I’ve got some tapped and apparently plenty of untapped genius. Wiring can wire up. It’s a matter of using Pavlovs principles to movitave, and feedback.

I hit someone, years ago. I used the left hand in a cross jab to the chin, and the left followed up with more. It happened so fast.

My left eye connects to the part of my brain that gives me visions when I sleep. There is amazing magic there.

A stroke deprived my retinal neurons of oxygen long enough to cause temporary blindness, and the left eye never recovered. But the hemispheres connect well enough that my left eye can use the right. Have you heard of Mesmer? It’s remarkable what an eye can do. My left face is as amazing as my dreams.

I think people learn things. These talents, even the greatest talents. We can approach them.

I won’t rival Bach. I won’t rival Depp. But I can start to approach them.

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How much does it cost to sponsor a SEA beauty?

Posted by xsplat on June 25, 2014

Jim Jones said: What does sponsorship cost in Indonesia where you live? I’ve heard it cost $1000 a month to maintain a good looking girl in Thailand now. I look at it like marriage but not being married.

The sexual bargain is haggled out individually. In my late thirties in Thailand I only paid for dinner and drinks for my multiple girlfriends. Now if I have a live in I also give a very small monthly allowance, on top of paying all expenses such as clothing, and I actually prefer to financially support, feed, and house other girls I’m dating.

An allowance is often an expectation, and a girl likes to brag about how much she is worth. I thought badly of the whole process and refused it for the longest time.

But every sexual bargain is that – girls make their subconscious calculations.

You know how they say that if you have oneitis you need to find and fuck 20 other girls? Because if we perceive options, our emotions will follow suit and we won’t be so bonded.

That is what emotions are for and what they do. They are the felt outputs of subconscious calculations.

If you are in important ways a girls best option, you’ll receive emotional outputs for that. I realize many will have a unique and incredible insight that money alone is a chumps game and won’t buy love, and to those geniuses I’ll point out that a propeller alone won’t make an airplane fly. Money is an important component of a sexual bargain – you don’t have to have it, but what you do have affects what you are and what you can offer. And therefore what you can receive, and from who.

The bonding emotions merely overlap with fling emotions; there are different valuable rewards for the different types of relationships. However those most skilled with LTRs should be able to mix up both and have high intensity kinky fun as well as lots of hugely addictive oxytocin and warm bonding with their bottom-bitch-love-slave. I suspect guys who are not in love and don’t miss it are simply unaware of what they are not missing.

Anything worthwhile will have different worths and costs. We can plan for genuine heartbreak and pain and stress and constant positioning, but a skilled relationship/life tactician will also be well rewarded in ways other men may not even have the reference points to imagine. Divorced men often assume they know all about the rewards and faults of LTRs. And divorced men will have learned much.

But relationships are like music. You don’t just learn music.

People say, “Oh, I swallowed the red pill, and now I know game”. Nobody did that. That’s like saying, “Oh, I studied music and now I know music.” Nobody knows music. Music is endless, within finity. What you can do with relationships is like music. Nobody just knows music – each composition can be quite different than another, and each will depend upon inward and outward circumstances.

A person can become a better musician. But a person can never know music. Just like game or LTR game. You never know it, and you are always learning it – and it’s always surprising and revealing.

So the salary depends on how valuable you are in other areas, as well as what you can afford. I paid less than $200/month to my M when living together. I pay various expenses for N18 now, including her apartment and anything else she needs.

I think people vastly over estimate the long term staying powers of what it is the young bring to the sexual bargain.

Strategically we must plan. And planning is for the future. And in all our futures we are old.

Old men need more money for their sexual bargains.

More money means more sexual bargaining power – and that translates to more testosterone, higher libido, more confidence, more options, and on and on. Money is a big part of a mans sexual currency in his old age.

I know younger guys will not only be unable to hear this, but will scoff. Scoff away. We all get old. Better to be old and rich. And well connected and powerful.

That’s a HUGE component of long term game.

And that’s what life is. A long term game.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

How to maintain loving passionate Multiple-LTRs.

Posted by xsplat on June 4, 2014

I’m faithful to all my girls.

I won’t leave one for the other. I fuck them enough, spend enough quality time with them, and take care of their physical and financial needs. They know that as long as we are happy together that they have a future with me. That’s this man’s version of faithful.

I demand faithfulness in return. Females get pregnant and tend more towards emotional serial monogamy, and so female faithfulness means no other cock.

I’m not a playboy. I don’t philander and I don’t pump and dump. I have serious, passionate, interdependent soul and life entwining love relationships with all of my women.

But being able to do so is very similar to being able to be a writer. Or being able to be an entrepreneur. Or from what I’m told it could be similar to being able to be a balet dancer, or a comedian. You don’t do it because you want to do it. You do it because you have no other choice.

In order to get good at something difficult, something has to keep bringing you through the impossibly difficult times. Something has to drive you again and again through tensions and irritations. It has to be worth it.

For most people having more than one love interest would never be realistically worth it. So they would never gain the level of experience that is required to pull it off.

Sure, if an aspiring comedian could push a button and gain the comedy skills of a Steve Martin, he’d push it and enjoy being a comedian. But if he had to actually go through the arduous and uncertain years and decades to gain that skill and fruition? No. Nobody would do that. Nearly nobody would find it worth it.

You have to have no choice.

Writing is like that. You write because you have no other choice. Your brain is simply wired up to give you certain types of rewards for certain behaviours. You like to systematize thoughts and gain a pleasure in some polemic, whereas others prefer light chit chat and comforting ideas such as the belief that size doesn’t matter. People veer towards agreeableness and group-mind-delusion, or towards truth seeking and independence. Writers write alone, and gain a type of pleasure that haters label as “pseudo-intellectual”. The intellectual life is a stimulation that is pleasing, and the writing is mind sport. Invigorating like a well played tennis match.

And so it is with maintaining the passionate love of more than one woman, long term. If your brain is wired to give you the rewards for both love and non-monogamy, you will have a drive that most don’t and this can force you towards a skill that most never think to even contemplate.

I’ve been seeing both of my current girls for about 9 months now, fucking each from one to five times a day, most days. M25 has been with me for 3.6 years, with an early 4 months of that while I lived with another girl, and about 2.5 living together full time. N18 has been my doting bitch since we met 9 months ago. The passion with both of them is screamingly off the charts; peak experiences every day, after day, and a love bubble the rest of the time. I’m rarely alone, and why would I be.

Girls will do absolutely everything in their power to make a man monogamous. And they will never stop. Ever. Non-monogamy with any level of sexual and romantic intensity is unstable. You will get vicious threats. You will see girl fights. Every possible thing a girl can do to regain monogamy she will do. To maintain stability in such a situation a man needs to be more than just psychologically experienced. It helps to have hand in all areas.

Generally we are all specialists. Some men specialize in the one night stand, and don’t offer much emotionally other than thrills. Others are comfort and security and stability experts. I specialize in both areas – dopamine and oxytocin. I can give a woman ongoing high quality sexual heat and top notch sex, and make her feel like she is constantly in the midst of a passionate romance. And I can make her feel like she is part of a family that cares for her that she wants to care for; even if it’s just our family of the two of us, she belongs and we are the tribe. Lately I’m able to offer inclusion into a bigger tribe. And yet still I’m a specialist. My speciality is passion. I know how to quickly develop strong passion with a girl, and I know how to maintain and grow it day by day. Week by month and year after year. This is a very rare skill, and if you say that you want to have this skill, do you?

Do you want to be an entrepreneur?

Do you want to be a writer?

Do you want to be a comedian?

Do you want to be a master guitar player?

Do you want to put in your 10,000 hours?

Unfortunately, I don’t think it is a matter of want.

MUST you put in your 10,000 hours? Do you have no other choice in life?

If you want to grow a compulsion, pay attention to the rewards you feel.

I deliberately focus on feeling the rewards of love. Often. And sex. These rewards are crucial to me, and so I keep the top spinning.

These compulsions are a deliberate choice. Sex, chi-kung, entrepreneurship, raising my value in every possible way, building a joyful and rich community, even thinking and writing – all of these are a deliberate system to raise overall joy and maintain the best possible momentum of this spinning top. I know exactly what I’m doing and why, and I know how. And I’m old enough to have other histories in my life to give context to my current choice-less choice. I’ve fully explored other important compulsions, such as living as a monk, a meditative hermit, in meditation centers, and a family-man yogi. The current compulsions are carefully chosen, and properly cultivated. I know what I’m doing and why, and I know how to do it.

In order to succeed, you need to have no other choice. But you can choose to have no other choice. By deliberately focusing on the rewards. Not the rewards you hope to get, but each reward you do feel as you get it. You can train yourself the way Pavlov trained his dogs, and feel compelled by the rewards.

Learning to generate and feel love in your heart while alone is an excellent way to appreciate and sensitise to the rewards of interpersonal love. You’ll learn a language of feeling that will make the two of you glow among the zombies. Learning to appreciate beauty will allow your eyes to heat up a woman with your lust until her knees get weak. Learning to let go into finely orchestrated screaming ecstasies will sympatheticaly arouse a girls A game.

The rewards are there, and you can learn that you don’t want to ever again be without them. And why would you?

Posted in How to..., LTR Game | 12 Comments »

Anger is not incontinence

Posted by xsplat on April 26, 2014

When you toilet train a puppy, you have to be cautious not to reprimand the act of defecation. If you do that he’ll consider the act shameful and hide if from you in offerings behind the couch and won’t want to shit in front of you when appropriate outside.

An ex has been a hanger on in my life since we split 6 years ago, and is often a useful ally. But she has intractable and stubborn flaws, that are not amenable to any form of persuasion or coercion, be it tender or violent. She is managing the 6 live in shop-house renovators, and refuses to stop being queen-bee and giving them unapproved projects. Today she went against direct orders to not varnish some cabinets on the exterior, as I prefer a beeswax/oil finish.

Anger is not incontinence. It is nothing to be ashamed of showing in front of others. I loudly reprimanded her, and I have a booming voice that easily fills all four floors, then loudly got her to assemble the full crew and translate to them to never do anything she says unless I’m there. To tell them that I’m the boss, not her. The high gloss varnish is currently being removed.

If you believe that anger is “losing your shit”, then you have been improperly trained. If you maintain this ignorant habit then day by day you are complicit in your own castration.

Conflict avoidance is a serious problem, for a great many men.

Sometimes one-on-one displays of anger won’t correct a problem and public shaming is the only next step.

Improper training of boys in the arts of conflict also leads to instincts that are misaligned with reality. Open anger does not lead to resentment or a fouling of group cohesion. It is the opposite – groups are maintained by effective leadership, and discipline is the dirty job of the leader. The disciplinarian job commands respect, and is given respect due.

We have a new girl here cooking and cleaning. A tight little 20 year old. So there are four girls who regularly cook for me now. I’ve been told that she openly mentioned that she’d date me if she spoke English, even though my ex is here all the time. My position here must be a big influence. My position here is not only about paying the salary. My job description is more than being the ideas man.

You can’t hold this position in this house and be “nice”. Being nice is not nice, because it is not effective.

Chogyam Trungpa once recounted a story to a large audience of how one of his main teachers used to convey anger that could dominate the entire monastery with an imposing ever present vibe. He did not imply this to be some sort of incontinence. He told that story as illustration of effective leadership.

This principle is true in all interpersonal situations. Your emotions are not diarrhoea, to be TONED THE FUCK DOWN. If you are an adult then your bowels are there to be properly and effectively used, without shame. You have them for a reason. Shitting is not losing control – you shit with accuracy and effectiveness.

Anyone who uses the term “losing your shit” when seeing emotional tone or open conflict has been improperly emotionally toilet trained.

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UCB’s insights into girl-speak and intimacy avoidance

Posted by xsplat on April 9, 2014

I was waiting for a reader to chime in with better advice than I was giving to the reader who has been stymied by girls afraid of intimacy with him, and UCB delivered:

Interesting parallel here: A few years ago I was going through almost the exact same thing… I stumbled upon X’s blog, and he became the first anonymous blogger I’ve ever written to with a question.

My experience mirrors Xsplat’s, but I wanted to add some other things for consideration:

One of the most important things you can take away from what X has written here is that you can’t necessarily trust what girls say. These girls are trying to articulate a certain emotion. This is something we all struggle with; even when we’ve experienced those emotions many times before. It’s exceedingly difficult to do when we’re experiencing something that’s new and uncomfortable to us, and what’s worse, it may be impossible for us to dig deep enough to root out the source of that emotion.

So you have to look at what these women are doing: and what they are doing is RESISTING you. Regardless of what they say, this is the only thing that matters. You have to figure out what’s causing that resistance and how to get around it.

Some possibilities:

- It could be that you are simply better than the girls you’re attempting to seduce. They may see you as being “out of their league” and afraid that they won’t be able to keep you around. The easiest ways of combatting this are disqualification (downplaying your positive qualities while elevating hers) and future-projecting (relating to her on qualities you find interesting in her and making future plans based around those qualities)

- It sounds like you could be leaning too far in emotionally before you’ve given a chance for the physical side of the relationship to catch up. You gotta remember that ‘girls just wanna have fun.” Girls don’t generally like being hooked too hard emotionally. They’re afraid of exposing parts of themselves they may not necessarily want exposed and/or losing control of the pace of the relationship. You can get away with this kind of stuff once you’re in a relationship, since that’s the way things are supposed to work according to the traditional relationship model. But many girls feel out of place being too emotionally invested in a guy they’re not having sex with. Tone down the serious emotional vibe and turn up the fun sexy vibe.

- You also have to ask yourself if there is some part of the relationship that YOU are resisting. For example, if you just want sex without the emotional connection or vice versa, girls will pick up on that. If you’re holding back emotionally in some way because of something you’re afraid of exposing to girls, they will pick up on it. Most of the more esoteric activities that seduction “gurus” prescribe (meditation, yoga, journaling, heavy lifting, etc.) are largely about identifying and overcoming this internal resistance.

- Finally, if you’re still in any way involved in the “seduction community” now would be a great time to get out. If you’re consistently getting these types of reactions from the women you interact with, you’re well past the point where 99% of what’s out there would be in any way helpful to you, and a good bit of it would be counter-productive. You’re approaching a sort of no-man’s land where you have to start trusting your intuition more and trying to figure out how to move things forward more quickly on your own. Trusting too heavily in PUA tactics and techniques actually takes you out of the present moment with these girls and creates more of the type of resistance you’re trying to avoid.

UCB brought up what sounds like “beware of habits that take you out of the flow moment”.

Writing also can be a flow moment for some, and I think that’s why for some people writing is not a choice, but a compulsion. Flow moments are puppy treats for the brain – they are rewards for doing it right, and we go back for more.

For me sex is always a flow moment. Music often. Dance often.

On the great BBC documentary “Child of our Times” they experiment with kids to see how many can easily get into flow moments in a set up involving music, and I think it was only something like 1 out of 7. So when I mention that a rant with a certain tone would not be written without that tone, it must be that most people will not share the experience of the flow moment of writing carrying it’s own way. Writing might be similar to letting out a musical piece. You improvise and work with it, but you are in it and FEELING it. You can’t take out the feeling and still be in it. The composition would simply stop. And the emotions in a written rant are there for a reason – some people are harming my impressionable brethren with horrible, sick twisted and evil advice. Emotion is the appropriate response. Emotion IS the response! We are socially conscious and involved people – it is not a flatland of “it’s all good live and let live”. We care about each other, and I care, and damn right emotion is part of the message and compels and drives and is co-created with the message.

Being with girls for me is often an endless stream of flow moments. And UCB is saying that this flow can be disrupted by getting out of the feeling, if I’m hearing him correctly.

I’d agree and would add further notes of caution. Many individuals and groups advocate what seems to me to be to completely lose touch with feelings altogether, and to “pump and dump the bitches”. Which would not lead to any flow moments that I prefer.

You can’t win at life without oxytocin and vagal tone. Buddhism is hugely about discovering and awakening the “precious heart of bodhicitta”, or increasing vagal tone and feeling that delicious well of wellbeing and sweet warmth in the heart. Interacting with women can be a great and practical catalyst to keeping that love in the heart happening and active, and life feeling like it is being well lived. It’s one reason people buy puppies. To increase the love. Because life without love is fail.

From Wikipedia:

Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does. Proposed by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, this positive psychology concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields.[1]

According to Csikszentmihalyi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-minded immersion and represents perhaps the ultimate experience in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning.

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Reader asks for advice on girls being afraid of intimacy

Posted by xsplat on April 8, 2014

A reader emails:

I’ve got a bit an issue that I’m hoping you could give me some input on. The subject is something you seem to be very familiar with; women and emotional intimacy.

Basically, girls who become attracted to me also become emotionally afraid of me. The problem isn’t a lack intimacy, but rather the other way around.

A bit about myself:

I know myself. I am unusual in many respects. I consider myself open, honest, and fairly uninhibited, and I’ve been described as such many many times as well, by both men and women.
Just the other day, a female friend said as much, and added that I “can be quite scary like that, because very few are like that to anywhere near the same degree”.

I’m a man of contrasts. I can be raw, crude, and I do have a little bit of a temper, but I am also sensual, playful, and loving.

In poetic terms, I am fire, and I am water. I can heat people up, and burn them if I so desire, but I can just as easily cool them and calm them.
I am also earth and wind; my feet are firmly grounded, but my emotions roam freely if I allow them to do so.

I’m very confident and secure in myself, but I know my shortcomings and weaknesses, and I strive to improve.

I am strong willed, and submission is NOT something I do. The attempts of others to control me invariably fail unless I allow them, such as in work situations.

I’m not afraid of conflict. I’m also not afraid of closeness and intimacy; in fact, I relish it.
I’m also comfortable with revealing my vulnerabilities. Few are the things that I fear in life.

I have an uncanny ability to get people to open up and to tell me their secrets. I don’t even try. It comes naturally. I form connections very easily as well. Today, a girl I’ve known for barely a few weeks, and whom I’ve interacted with for a total of just a few hours, told me she felt as if “we’ve known each other our entire lives”.

The issue:

Many women are attracted to me, both physically and emotionally, but they’re afraid of me, to the degree that very few even dare to show more than polite friendly interest.
Even though many girls want badly to be close with me, they dare not. It’s like they’re preemptively afraid of me leaving them, or that they’re afraid of losing themselves in me. Afraid that things would get too close. I’ve been told things to that effect.

One time in particular, a girl nearly broke down after an intimate moment. She said “I’ve been afraid of you since we met, and now I fear you more than ever”.

I often get insane amounts of last minute resistance. They literally become emotionally distressed, and I’ve been told “I want you so badly but I’m so scared!” several times. One girl in particular, despite my best efforts at calming and comforting her, tensed up so badly that I could barely fit a finger in her. Despite several tries, we never had normal sex. I simply couldn’t fit my penis into her, and it’s not like she was a virgin or had something physically wrong with her vagina.

The ironic thing is that when I do my best to calm girls and comfort them, it seems to make things worse. It’s like they love me while they at the same time don’t dare to.

I’ve been called “heart breaker” by girls who’ve never dared show their interest in me. Even girls I barely know have called me such.

Just recently, I found out that not less than three girls at my old workplace were in love with me. I had flirted with two of them, but they only returned friendly interest.

At one point, there was a temporary consultant that I flirted with, and she reciprocated (though the issues I’ve described above ensued with this girl as well). I went for her, and in the process I broke the hearts of the other three girls. They didn’t dare show that to me, but I’ve been reliably informed that at least one of them was “completely heart broken and very sad”.

There is nothing wrong with any of the girls I set my sights on. They’re normal and healthy. They’re not emotionally damaged or psychologically defective, and yet they react so very strongly to me.

It is frustrating. I feel like an emotional terrorist. I need to change something, but what? I’m missing some important detail.

Do you have any thoughts or ideas?

In my early thirties I mentioned to my buddy that once again a girl I was into told me that she was afraid of intimacy, and this time he took off the gloves and let me have it with “you always say that”. Implying that perhaps it wasn’t that the girls didn’t want intimacy, but that they didn’t want it with ME.

He’d also tell me to be less clingy or into the girl or passionate, and that girls liked it if the man showed an ability to take it or leave it.

And yet I’ve also experienced and it’s been well documented and scientifically researched that a rapey agressive cave man go for it vibe also gets a girls engine running; she’ll get off on feeling unstoppably wanted.

So I think it’s a very tricky balance to internalize. Aloof and intimate and caveman and alpha leader and intimate partner mate provider.

At 32 one girl told me “You’re perfect, and that’s why I’m afraid of you. Normally I’m more casual, but with you I sense it would open to more, and there is no reason for it not to, and that’s why I’m afraid.”

But that’s just her girl words, it’s not the best mental map for us as men to use to describe how her emotions fit together into a cohesive narrative. For men we’re better interpreting the situation as that:

1) We haven’t given her enough pull so the she feels she has to chase, we’re too accessable and so she can’t feel that we are above her in value.

2) The tone isn’t playful enough. It’s too earnest and leaves no wiggle room to back off and claim the whole thing was just out of fun. It’s too consequence loaded.

Both 1 and 2 can be extremely subtle. With M, a girl who was a 21 year old hottie virgin, when we met we fell into a love at first sight type of dance, and I played up on that storyline with her in texts and in person. However somehow or other there were also other required undercurrents. Although I was instantly genuinely infatuated and stiff, and we played a push pull rapey couch dance of “No, stop!” (back off for 10 seconds and then grab again) “No stop!” (lean way back until she comes into my space for a kiss) and so forth, somehow or other there was still a sense of humor in it.

Jeez, how the hell am I going to hang words on this one.

In my early thirties I wanted a girlfriend, and was playful. In mid forties I wanted a girlfriend and was playful. During both periods I was prone to quick infatuations. Throughout the whole time I remained as I still remain; open to love, bonding, infatuation, and all sorts and types of intimacy dances.

But something was different.

Maybe it’s just that in the interim I’d seen more girl tricks, and been heartbroken more and broken more hearts. As time went on I was willing to love, but knew more of loves illusory nature. Yes, love is still a compulsion; no one can claim to both feel infatuation and control it. And it still wasn’t a game; real feelings have real consequences. And yet some of the earnestness got punctured with humor, and love was also a game. The real pain of consequences was also pierced with bitter-sweet humor and accepted in the way we accept death – as something unacceptable that we deal with anyway without letting it overwhelm our living life; a funny irony to beauty; that it disappears.

Something was different. I’d danced the dance more times. I’d twirled with more partners. Some of the earnestness had drained and the consequences could never be felt to me as so earnest and real as they once had.

I also learned some crucial tricks about carefully doling out intimacy. A girl has to earn it. And even here it’s so subtle, because on a first date fuck I might still scream out “Daddy loves you”. None the less, in the wider gestalt that includes all the expansion and contraction and breathing of the pushes and pulls, the overall impression is that intimacy was being slowly doled out. The dance was being done with a sense of humor. A wink and a nod to the game of seduction and passion being played.

Oh, and I’d over time gained a better sense of command. And better boundaries.

When a girl says she’s afraid, then it means you can pull and make her chase more. That can be done with a subtle vibe. Maybe a playboy vibe, maybe an aloof vibe, maybe time constraints, maybe teasing her, maybe by seeing other girls. There isn’t a one size fits all way, although some people think believe and claim that there is this magical formula called “aloof” that can be sprinkled like pixie dust onto anything. Some how or other your vibe needs to get less earnest. It might happen internally in the most subtle of ways that even you will barely be able to detect. Or it might be through crafty timings of texts and careful word choices. The girl needs see your value, in all areas, including the abilty to bond, but she also needs to feel consequence free.

It’s a one day at a time instant fling. It’s a passionate love affair. It’s not a union of lives. She can walk away or be kicked out, despite the heartbreak. You ease into things as a dance, and on the journey over time you’ll naturally pass mile stones informing the both of you of new bonds. But those milestones are not assumed from the beginning. And that’s not an action, that’s an internalized attitude. She is not allowed to jump into the deep pool of being fully bonded. She has to pass the milestones. In the meantime she gets to explore some rough and deep waters – but she can’t live there and isn’t invited to stay there all at once.

That’s my best attempt for now. Let’s see what the readers say.

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A beta suck up explains to do as told and TONE IT DOWN

Posted by xsplat on April 7, 2014

On this post The private messages to Roosh that got me permabanned from RVF a nail that doesn’t want to stick out and be hammered down said:

Cobra said:If someone says tone it down, TONE it the FUCK DOWN. There’s probably another way to express yourself and get the same message out there.

No.

And no, there isn’t.

Tone is not only part of the message, it’s part of the flow of what inspires creating the message in the first place. You can’t remove the tone and still have the message. As I already carefully explained.

And if someone says tone it down then tone it down? Uhh, WTF? That’s a really weird attitude.

Where did you learn to behave like such a good boy? Sounds like terrible training that you’ll want to unlearn.

But you won’t be able to unlearn it on the RVF. The RVF is a place for men to learn how to be attractive to women while being constrained against acting like the type of men who would be attractive to women.

And you have been misled or are not paying attention if you believe that the only issue was about tone. Look closer, and you’ll see people far more abrasive on that site. It’s about power and control and agreement and in-group clique versus all others who have to walk on eggshells and suck up to the in-group clique.

A man can not express himself as other than a beta suck up on that forum, which seems to agree perfectly well with your suck up tone it down when told attitude.

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How I cured my manic depression and OCD

Posted by xsplat on March 30, 2014

I’m speeding along on time’s highway towards the 50 year mark. Looking back the years clump together into themes, and I rarely reminisce upon themes that no longer seem relevant. Yesterday I mentioned to Cody that my natural authoritative command over a new puppy must have come from dealing with girls, and the years I’d spent raising and training my son. And yet I could not remember how many years that was – I so rarely think about those times it took some time to remember them at all.

There was a period in my teens and early twenties when I was manic depressive, slightly anorexic and a bit OCD. I also had periods of debilitating social anxiety. Being inside my head was often quite painful. The thoughts would race around in ways that were uncomfortable. I contemplated suicide often.

Nowadays I’m noticeably happy. I haven’t had any mania for I don’t know how long – 27 years maybe. No OCD. Thoughts are comfortable. I’m habitually at ease, and often consciously noticeably content. I can feel blisses at times, but this is qualitatively different than the manias.

And I remember what I had to do to make the changes.

At the age of 12 I became interested in self directed mind control in the form of auto-hypnosis, and I practised that regularly. At 16 I switched that habit of mind training to meditation practices. This interest grew, perhaps with the help of my OCD tendencies, and at 21 I was living and meditating full time in a Buddhist monastery, and when not there was a hermit in a forest meditating 8 hours a day.

I can remember the precise day of the tipping point that marked the disappearance of the debilitating social anxiety. I had come out of the forest towards the end of another long retreat – this one was 11 weeks. I recall my attitude change towards the puppy that had ran up to greet me; I was warm and playful. I recall my attitude change towards everyone in the monastery; I was warm and playful. And I recall people being surprised and making comments; there was something markedly different about me now. This was no personality change similar to the contrasts between manias and depressions. This was now a stable new mode of being, and was calm and content and at ease.

But oh, the price for it. Hours upon hours upon months into years of painful sitting still with diligent attention, staring at carpets and floors and walls and out through the meditation cabin window that I had hauled in through 3 feet snow over a long mountain pass trail to install in an abandoned uninsulated hunters shack.

Meditation can be a type self enforced hell. It can also grow on you and be addictive and pleasant. But for most of us it is at least initially uncomfortable. And when you set a schedule to sit still for 1 hour, you’re going to come up against physical, as well as mental discomfort. Ramp that up to 4 and then 8 hours a day, and then continue that for weeks and then months and then more months, and that discipline will at times be a hardship.

I suppose the OCD tendencies helped to cure me of OCD.

These days I’m off a regular meditation schedule, although I do continue to try to work on regular mindfulness awareness throughout the day, and have a regular standing movement awareness practice that is meditative. I have not been troubled by runaway thoughts in quite a while, so there is no urgency to correct a troubled mind.

Life is genuinely and consistently good.

And I’ve found new focuses to increase overall happiness. Focuses that were discounted or dismissed within the Buddhist community I had invested so much of my identity with.

As a teen I was also often troubled by a painful feeling of being shivering cold whenever I’d hear certain sounds, such as the sound of Kleenex rustling. That and the painful thoughts in my head led me to believe that it would be cruel to have children, as this pain might be hereditary. And apparently manic depression is hereditary; if you have it you certainly will have forebears who also had it.

And yet I’ve put myself on the trajectory towards attaining smart and beautiful wives to bear children. From what I’ve seen in meditation communities, the desire to do intense meditation for very long periods is quite rare, so this cure might not apply to my own children. I suppose I could only hope they get just the right amount of OCD along with the bipolar problems in order to doggedly apply themselves to becoming better.

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A silver back needs an opulent center

Posted by xsplat on March 12, 2014

trungpa-r-at-karme-cholingkarme-cholinggoogle-office-interior-3-700x466People like to place big Buddha paintings on their walls. Don’t you feel more at ease now, in the presence of a calm and protecting dominant male figure?

The patriarch holds a psychologically essential role to a group. We can learn by examples of how to play that game successfully, and magnetize the smartest and most beautiful people together into a successful family.

In this post I’ll talk about the crucial role that your building plays.

When Google started out, they spent truck loads of money on building an exciting work place. It was not only to be their center of operations, but it was carefully designed for psychological impact, in order to garner the best possible recruits. A business is it’s employees, and a core power to attract the core of the business is the building.

I rented a 4 story 5 by 30 meter shophouse here in Indonesia, and have built an aviary garden onto the 5th floor roof and built on two more 5X7 meter stories out of bamboo. This is my 2nd shophouse but the scale of it allows for it to play a different role. Six carpenters have been flown in from a far away village in a far away island to live and work here full time on renovations. Renovating is a slow and expensive process, and everything is a shamble until all at once you see how the pieces that were in your mind have fit together to form a fantastic new space. I spent much of yesterday gardening and arranging plants. Sci-fi author Robert Heinlein had a list of essential man skills, and if gardening wasn’t on it, it should be. Our nest is our display.

A new intern arrived last week, and it is a spectacular fit. He not only shares many interests and attitudes and aptitudes with Cody and myself, but has had a parallel background to me at his age. He’s been instantly productive, and has slotted right in as if our puzzle was waiting for him to bring his pieces. He’s been photo-documenting the renovation progress since arriving, and had attached photos to an email to his buddy along with an explanation of our setup.

In part because of the building, his talented friend is interested to come out and join us. “Oh, that place looks really cool. Ya, I might want to come out.”

It is not only women who want to see outward displays of success. Banks invest huge sums in letting you walk around in their physical opulence. You feel secure. There is something solid around you.

A patriarch knows the value of people. And for that he creates a physical space – a meeting space. A center of vibrant enthusiasm. A place where people can socialize and can expect to meet potential mates, hang out, network and earn. The happening spot, where all social needs can be met – our needs for community and sex and food and physical and financial support. A place to sleep, dance, get fed, fuck, get taken care of if you are sick, hang out silently with others around you, be alone in quiet spots a short distance away from others, gossip, plan, work.

And so month after month thousands of dollars are invested into this place.

This place is the center of what will attract the people who will become this patriarchs biggest asset.

The people who will bring in more people and more money and more happiness.

Thinking big like this doesn’t occur to most people. We usually think to either go it alone, or become part of an organization. But if you get to a place where you are ready to be that Buddha face on the wall and take on the role of being the dominant presence that allows people to feel secure and part of a family, then you will need a place.

Update:

Hdjdjd said: You can work in an opulent bank office and hate it to bits. You can work in a mcoffice with a bunch of really cool people and love it to bits. I think the culture you work in is more important than the building. People are attracted to google more on a culture then an office building basis. Many other nearby companies offer similar offices.

Ya, and you don’t need money or looks to attract women. And not ALL women are like that. And variables don’t matter at all, because of other variables.

You know exactly what I’m saying, and you understand the message of this post. But you came up with a counter argument, and past experience with forum and blog conversations leads me to imagine your motive being that your sexual competitive strategy is different; in other words you don’t compete that way and so your brain through it’s system of rewards and punishments guides you to dismiss your competition. Like a highschool teenager struggling for social status you instinctively dismiss the competition who are using other strategies. “The jocks are doing it wrong! The honor students are doing it wrong! The camera club crew and the drama students and the chess geeks are doing it wrong, and all the girls who are fucking all those guys are doing it wrong!”

It’s a standard emotional logic, to start with dismissing the rivals and then explain why. But dismissing the competition is an impotent approach to competing. People who allow themselves to do so think they are playing king of the hill but are just working to re-balance their self esteem. It’s is an ineffectual strategy as the people who matter are not positively influenced. The best it does is rally others with similar strategies into a clique.

Being a patriarch is the ideal set up for an older gentleman. Only one in 100 will attempt for it, and one in 10,000 achieve it, but the silver back position has awesome rewards. And here are some pointers for how to set up that situation. You’re welcome.

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Being civic minded prevents love and motivation.

Posted by xsplat on March 4, 2014

COMMUNISM___Full_Game_Board_by_SpiffyOfCrudLaidnyc received a booty call SMS from a hot girl, and blogged about the thought processes that led to him declining the offer in favour of monogamy with his girlfriend.

This was a good opportunity to put flesh on the bones of thoughts that have rattling around my mind, so I commented:

I care for and keep two girls, each in separate apartments, and I keep my own place. It pains them both, and sometimes greatly, knowing that I see my other girl. I see all the sad signs of painful heartbreak in one of them, as we used to live together 24 hours a day and now I only see her most nights. The other tries to harangue me but I always cut her short.

I feel no guilt at all. The guilt is an option. When you live the non monogamous lifestyle for a while you can choose not to bother with guilt. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that caring does not require guilt.

I could choose to be monogamous with either. But I just don’t want to.

It really does come down to what you want to do.

And what you can set up.

If you don’t set things up well then introducing new women and having your women finding out causes much instability, and consternation and pain.

You can also set things up such that you live in a universe of self-imposed honor. And like the other commenter said within that universe it’s a bit easier to get everyone into the same wavelength.

But you can get girls to be faithful while being non-monogamous too.

The honor mindset is only a choice. It has it’s perks. Personally I think it’s as illusory as love. And I prefer to live my life with love, and engender love on purpose. Love is an option, and honor is an option. But I don’t find honor in the form of monogamy to be a useful option, not at this time with these girls. I’m honorable in that I don’t lie about anything; when they ask about anything related to monogamy I simply refuse to say anything, one way or the other. I refuse the subject to be talked about. I have boundaries.

I read one of your tweets where you were dismissive of the me-first mindset. Something snide pointing out the inhumane attitude people can have, like “I’ve got my food, everybody else can starve”.

I can see it’s a real struggle to try to reconcile personal desires in a world of competing desires.

But if you want to reconcile that, and not just project out onto OTHER the painful portion of this internal struggle you are having (BAD people are selfish!), then you need to come to grips with the fact that there is no way around the fact of competing interests.

Sometimes there is no win-win solution or compromise. Sometimes somebody loses.

And it’s up to you who that somebody is.

You can’t just be communal and community minded. Not only would that make you a doormat, but in real life society does not and can not function that way. In real life there are various inter-playing roles that interact. There are no “good guys” who are the backbone upholding society. There are castes and specialties, true, but viewing one caste as the good guys that everybody should be like is false. All the castes play important roles. You need the sociopathic business leaders and generals too.

So there is no solution to this argument with Dick that is based on guilt or morality. That would be a cop out, really.

The solution is deciding where your true interests lie. Because that is where the buck stops.

Your true interests may be in being communal.

But it has to be YOUR true interest.

I once was put in a situation of literally having to choose to share my food with hungry children or not.

I fed them for a few months and then stopped. And it was my girlfriend’s family too – so they were tribe members. But I stopped.

The children’s parents were loaf abouts with drug and alcohol problems, and the neighbourhood and all of the Philippines was full of hungry children. Where was I to start or stop my humanitarian efforts? Was I supposed to save the world?

How could I grow my business and wealth if philanthropy prevented the accumulation of assets?

These are difficult questions, because they go to our root of self-identity. Are we good? Are we the good guy?

Are you the good guy in a universe of people who just aren’t good enough?

I don’t know, Laidnyc. Is that REALLY the story you want to carry around with you for the rest of your life?

One big problem with being the honorable, civic, community and family minded good guy is that it puts up MASSIVE barriers to being able to love and appreciate real people for who they really are.

It sets these roles based on face, and you lose track of even seeing what your own personal agenda is any more. Everything just becomes social roles. He is supposed to do this, she is supposed to do that.

You lose track of peoples REAL motivation.

And not only is that a barrier to some humour and humility in accepting and understanding the human condition, and loving people for who they actually are (instead of for how closely they are fulfilling their social roles) but it makes it much more difficult to actually influence people.

And you can’t sidestep shuffle the issue of personal motivation by talking about tribes and tribal interests as the center of competition. The unit is not the tribe. Individuals within the tribe also compete, by nature.

To motivate people you have to see behind the social roles, and speak their own language. Get in their shoes. And the world of should and could and right and wrong is not the same world as the world of personal motivations. No matter how much it should or could or would be better if we all just agreed that it was.

Posted in Morality | 3 Comments »

Morality in an uncaring universe

Posted by xsplat on February 23, 2014

Irrelavant said: There seems to be a spectrum of guys in the manosphere that falls roughly like this: moral —– not concerned with morality… One side is longing for a morality that is being purposely disintegrated before our very eyes, while the other is taking the approach of “fuck morality, it’s a human construct.” … I don’t live my life by either perspective… I believe morality to be an unspoken agreement between human beings about how they will function with one another within the bounds of social relations… But when all hell breaks loose, that unspoken agreement quickly shifts to an agreement that is purely about survival… We have an entire generation of males who have been so utterly destroyed by anti-moral forces, that it seems to me to be good strategy to bring them back into the camp, before they destroy themselves (and our legacy) on a worthless “quest” of their own.

I’ve written about morality before.

The buck always stops. Somewhere. Whatever is good is good for SOMEONE. The way nature and physics and reality is set up is that we compete for resources, and that there is not and can not be a common good.

Wherever you have socialist endeavors where the public good is considered, it always steps on the toes of individuals. And the reverse. Wherever individuals benefit others are relatively disadvantaged. It is impossible to develop a system that is not adversarial. Adversity is built into the fabric of reality.

Even when researchers look into morality, they find that the brain is set up to make seemingly non-sensical judgments, and we are unable to make truly rational moral decisions. Kill one man to save two? Rape and torture an innocent child to prevent a cholera outbreak?

I identify neither as a socialist nor capitalist. Both are just two sides of the same coin – they are the same thing, fundamentally. Self organizing self perpetuating power structures.

The common good or the individual good – no matter where you look the buck has to stop. Somewhere. It stops in the end with individuals life satisfaction.

So THAT is morality. Increasing individual life satisfaction.

Moralists often want to reduce life satisfaction in the name of the common good, in which case they are anti-moral. They forget the origin of morality, which is where the buck stops. In individual life satisfaction.

Yes, to maximize life satisfaction as normal non-sociopathic humans we need to feel that we are part of something larger and give and receive from a group. We need to partner in cooperations in order to economically compete. We need a mix of individuality and cooperation.

And in the end, the buck stops. Individually. And in the end there is no hope of ever finding a way out of the fact of competition for resources. It is fundamentally dog eat dog, and we cooperate in that fight. And then there is the whole issue of motivation, which is fundamental to all economic activity. When we try to maximize cooperation we run up against minimizing motivation.

Those with a genetically relatively heightened sense of disgust FEEL morality as a free floating empirically existing platonic thing. A law of nature. Their sense of disgust tells them that some things are just wrong, regardless of outcome. Things aren’t right or wrong because they have certain causes and effects, some things are just wrong because they are wrong because they are wrong. The heightened sense of disgust hijacks all the mental wiring and overwhelms all reason and all that is known is that that they KNOW. That sense of knowing requires no reason or introspection to them, and is beyond reason or introspection as it shuts that down. It highjacks all of the brain and screams out WRONG!

But that’s just biological instinct. That’s not ethics.

So I’m a pragmatist and understand that our human wiring is set up such that if you want to maximize happiness you have to increase oxytocin, which requires giving to others and being part of a group, and cooperating. Also in many of my posts I show the practical value of thinking coherently and minimizing lying to oneself in a short term effort to increase self esteem or avoid anxiety. And to help that being honest with others is very important. And so honest cooperative dealings increases personal and group happiness, and the buck stops.

Posted in Morality | 12 Comments »

 
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