When a baby cries, it gets what it wants. That’s the main tool it has. It can’t use force or intellectual persuasion, nor earn money to pay for assistance. So it cries. Toddlers throw tantrums and pout, and a parent who gives in to this emotional blackmail is said to have spoiled his child.
Adult women are hard wired with similar instincts to those of a baby. They will nag and harangue and pout and make the home a miserable place in order to get what they want.
And most men nowadays are ill equipped with the mental tools required to not spoil their mate.
As culture tends to be defined and controlled by those who rely on controlling it the most – women – you can read on public consensus (read female perspective dominated) sites such as wikipedia that Tampo, or pouting, is best seen as a plea for nurturing and is best dealt with by appeasing the woman. It is a minority of expats who see through the acrid bullshit smoke and pinpoint the problem of their bratty mate trying to make a dominance power play, and stopping the game by not playing it. On some expat in the Filipine forums, all the guys are chumps. In others, many of the men know the score.
Pouting, like mate guarding, can work with even sophisticated dominant men, if done with finesse. If overdone it’s brinksmanship, and will just make the guy want to leave.
I lived with M for over 3 years, and every few weeks she’d have some sort of jealousy related emotional meltdown, in which she tried to make my life as emotionally uncomfortable as possible. Emotional blackmail; if you don’t make me feel 100% secure and pampered right now and cut off all ties with any other female in existence, I will cause you continual grief.
I’d calmly explain. I would scream. I’d walk out and rent a hotel for a few days. Over time she tended to get a bit better, but the problem was too fundamental to repair. She has BPD traits that come out under stress, and can be like a wild animal with no control over her self and no ability to see consequences.
It was her jealousy more than anything that made me dissatisfied with the relationship. I was happy with the sex and how she attended to me, and we remained in love, but her mate guarding had no perspective that included seeing me as an autonomous self directed individual. To a borderline, other people can never be viewed as autonomous. That’s the “borderline” portion of the name; they are incapable of distinguishing boundaries between self and other. Other is just a tool to be used to satisfy one’s own needs. Much like to a baby, a tit does not belong to a separate self directed individual; all you need to do is cry and scream and make a fuss and it behaves like a proper slave tit should.
So when I started to see a 2nd girl, M naturally did everything in her power to stop me. From nagging to threatening me physically and legally to anything else she could imagine. I took not one bit of it. As I had two girls in two apartments, if one wanted to be unpleasant, it was a simple matter of going to see the other.
I had to de-fang her, and take away her tools of coercion. And I had to most of all make her understand that she had no tools of coercion, other than making me prefer to be with her over the other woman. And even then, I’d still be a free agent.
This threw her into a deep depression. Eventually she started an affair of her own, plus started dating around. We stopped living with each other, but despite some extremely dramatic ups and downs, we still see each other to this day.
The other night, while A21 was in my bed I went to vist M25, and she shared a story. I’d noticed that she had a new phone, and remarked that it meant she had a new sponsor. She denied that with “somebody gave it to me, so I took it”. This primed her to relate how a guy had gone through the messages on her phone, and found her messages with me, and freaked out and told her to stop, and how this made her lose interest for the guy.
It’s common knowledge among those who have experience with dating, that you can’t lay ownership claims on someone before they also feel as if the two of you are a couple. It’s a socially retarded faux pas. If one person wants a casual fling or is just testing the waters, you don’t try to pressure them into something else.
Roping someone into monogamy is a chess game. You have to win the person over bit by bit. Not only get them to fall in love with you, not only addicted to your cock or pussy, but get them to prefer being monogamous with you. Only after it comes from their inside can you start to enforce any rules and boundaries. You merely amplify what is already inside them.
If you try to fence a person in before they want to be fenced, it just leads to everything falling apart. Or worse. Worse is that the woman will gain an emasculated man, or that the man will gain a passionless woman.
A21 is a single mother with an attractive face. But she’s a bit fat, her English is poor, and her girl game is weak. When she got a text message from Sally17 telling her to back off from her man as she was pregnant, the only tool she could dig out of her emotional toolbox was to pout. I don’t respond well to emotional blackmail, so that got her nowhere and I told her to go home. Later as we were watching TV I put my hand over her pussy and she took it off and said no.
And that’s a separate issue of A21’s dating retarditude. She’s only familiar with being chased. She thinks that saying no to sex will somehow make me chase her more, and give her the upper hand, as if SHE is the one with this great resource of sexual pleasure.
I’ve come to view that I’M the one with the great resource of sexual pleasure.
I get girls addicted to ME. Not the other way around.
I usually have several girls I’m fucking, and I don’t let any one girl control access to sex in my life.
So of course what occurs to me at the moment she moves my hand is, “What the fuck are you doing in my room then? I have better things to do and other women to see.”
A seems to enjoy herself fine when we fuck. I see her habit of saying no or acting standoffish as mostly a power and dominance play. It’s similar to the tactic of pouting; she expects to receive more attention by being negative than she would by being positive. She expects more wooing and comforting and foreplay and seduction by merely saying no.
But it is socially retarded because it has no workable theory of mind of what goes through the head of a dominant man who has options.
The moment she moved my hand away, I was sexually rejected and insulted. Her power play became toxic, and I flipped a switch to off. I was no longer in “let’s play” mode. Now I was in “what are you doing here?” mode.
Later she kept asking about Sally, and I told her that she doesn’t have to worry about her, and not to keep asking about her as I was not going to talk about her.
Her being irritating set the tone for noticing negative things about her. When hugging her I noticed an acrid sour milk smell. I like my women to hypnotise me into a swoon with their seductive essence, but this girls smell put me off. It’s the smell that comes from excess sweat due to being fat.
There is a theory that much of our success comes not from actions directed at success, but from actions that put us into a position of being prepared for opportunity when it comes.
I have put in decades of work generally putting myself in a position to win. Studying meditation and philosophy. Maximizing my physique. Learning piano. Building successful businesses and social relationships. Renting, renovating and building office and living spaces. I am obviously in many ways a rare and high value catch.
This woman is fat and a poor conversationalist. She has not done her groundwork to prepare for being able to grab opportunity when it comes. And is expecting of me, right away and only by virtue of her existing at all, for me to immediately be monogamous and for her to dictate when we can or can’t have sex.
She is a part time model, and COULD be a hottie. But her extra kilos mean that she is not a hottie, so she doesn’t get the same leaway a hottie would. She can’t afford to be annoying to a man who knows his value. She can’t afford to play push pull with much push. She needs to be all about making me happy.
I’ve been with girls who knew that very clearly, and who did every possible thing in their power to make me happy. One girl even would suggest I go fuck my other girl when she was on her period. She was jealous, yes, but she acted strategically. She knew the power of honey, and she knew the impotence of vinegar.
I had expected A to visit for the night, but she told her mom she was on a 5 day business trip, and showed up with a suitcase. After the 2nd night I told her to go home, and she pleaded to just stay just one more night and she’d leave in the morning. The next day I had to tell her again to go, stand up, and carry her suitcase downstairs. On the way to the taxi my phone was receiving text after text. An angry and jealous A accused “that’s messages from your girlfriend!” and slammed the taxi door closed.
As she drove off I felt nothing but relief.
Later she sent me some negative texts, whining about how I hadn’t made her happy on her birthday, and I responded by just ripping into her. First I reminded her that I was going to take her out shopping, but that her bad mood made me lose interest in shopping with her. Then she complained of going home too early so I admonished her for not informing me of how many days she had planned to stay. She was unapologetic, and so I finally lost the last bit of interest in her, and ripped into her for her habit of saying no to sexual touch. One of her last messages to me was “Maybe you think I’m a stupid girl and I’m only bothering you?”
I did not reply. Nor did I reply this morning after she said she was crying and didn’t want to lose me.
People have a fundamental need to feel autonomous and free. And yet we crave intimacy and belonging. One way women and children especially feel care and community is through being given and following boundaries. Just like children feel loved properly by being given rules in which they know they will remain in good graces and be accepted if they follow. The duality between freedom and belonging is the fundamental conflict of pair bonding.
There is an art to getting a man or woman attached, and bound and following our rules.
And there is an art to not following the rules that our mate tries to give us.
It is a dance of negotiation, and in order to win the negotiation, you must have hand.
You must be the most valuable one with the least to lose. No matter how much you love her, she must need you more than you need her, if you are to be the one who makes the rules. I have many posts on how to be valuable to the woman, but two of the most obvious ways to maintain hand are by having options and by controlling the resources.
So mate guarding is possible, but if either the man or woman cries like a baby too much, that’s a brinksmanship move. That’s saying “I will make your life unbearable unless you do what I say”. And if the other person does not want to do what the other person says, it is only pointing to the door to exit an unbearable situation.
Jealousy therefore breaks relationships at least as often as it maintains them.
It is the weak man without options who is corralled into monogamy against his will.
And in today’s society not many women can be mate guarded unless they overall choose to be.
Dating is a competition against the competition. You can’t win a footrace by excluding all other racers from the track; no one would agree that you won. And even if we don’t want to admit it, there is competition for our mates. We only win with them if we actually are their best option. Mate guarding is a useful tool in the same way a hammer is useful. It’s applicable in certain instances. AFTER you already have a working watch, you can stamp some letters onto the backing with a hammer. You can’t build or repair a watch with a hammer.
In short, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.
The whole incident made me appreciate my V even more. That girl has top notch girl game. When she found out I had another girl, she was heartbroken but not angry or vindictive. When we talked about it she listened and processed what I had to say, and communicated her emotions accurately and with respect. And she chose to remain in love with me. That’s a human being I can respect and admire. Plato considered that love should be about admiration of the best qualities in another. I’ll agree that it does feel very good to admire your lover.