On jealousy: something Jon and I have noticed is that a little bit of jealousy and possessiveness is always present in lasting and happy relationships. It’s when it becomes a temperamental, paranoid jealousy that things fall apart and people become unhappy.
That tiny bit of jealousy and possessiveness seems to say “I value and want you, I am putting you ahead of many people, so repay my service”. And people like feeling wanted and valued, like they’re worth a bit of effort. And this makes them more likely to repay those efforts, to show that they appreciate the affection. But when that jealousy steps into paranoia and manipulation it says “I need you, one hundred percent of you, to function as a human being and I will destroy anything that takes even one percent of your attention from me”. Which makes people scared, confused and disgusted and drives them away.
Ya. Women are known to test for jealousy and assume the man isn’t ensnared enough if she can not arouse it. Some even go so far as to provoke a man until he hits her, and then take that as sign of care. One girl told me that among her peers it was agreed that if a man doesn’t hit it means that he doesn’t love.
I’ve never heard of men doing the same. We communicate more directly, and would tend to outright ask a woman how she feels instead of test her to find out.
Personally I feel loved if a woman loves me enough to give me freedom. Even though it hurts her to do so. Because she thinks of me first and wants me to be happy. It sounds like a fantasy but I actually had that twice, and I’ve heard stories of other guys whose girls would hunt for women to please their men with.
I do feel jealousy also. Strong jealousy. And I mate guard the best that I can. I believe that my girls feel a very similar emotion to what I do, and yet I want them to be faithful while I am not. It’s not fair. Nor is it wrong. It’s just what it is, and the woman can take it or leave it. Generally after some time women leave it.
It’s said that hormone and brain activity that correlates with being in love is usually only measured for from 6 months to 2 years. Non-monogamy tends to destabilize that already unstable period further. Some very primal and overwhelmingly intense emotions come up when we are pair bonded and in a non-monogamous situation.
It’s difficult to be both non monogamous and a woman’s best option. And I think it’s fair enough to say that engendering monogamous love is equal to being someone’s best option.
“I’ve never heard of men doing the same. We communicate more directly, and would tend to outright ask a woman how she feels instead of test her to find out.”
And then, sadly, most men believe most women the first time around, which results in her, again, worrying he doesn’t care enough, because he isn’t prying. Weird cycle.
“It’s difficult to be both non monogamous and a woman’s best option. And I think it’s fair enough to say that engendering monogamous love is equal to being someone’s best option.”
I’d say it’s impossible to be non-monogamous and a woman’s best option, at least in modern society where every person on the planet is an internet connection or a plane ticket away. For every drop-dead-gorgeous, 100% Alpha millionaire who wants an open relationship with a harem of young women, there is at least a high Beta who is equally as attractive and wealthy and willing to take himself off the market for a few years, or a Sigma who is happy to settle down short or long term for the sake of a low drama woman. Women seek monogamy, short or long term. And the monogamous man is always the better option, as she gets more attention and resources to herself for however long they remain monogamous.
When a woman pair bonds to you, her body is telling her to absorb all your attention, to keep you from dating besides her, to get you to reproduce with her and feed your child until it is three, five or seven years old. And it hurts her that her pair-bonding didn’t work, like clinging onto barbed wire. But you can’t go through life without hurting anyone, either. You’d break hearts if you chose monogamy just as much as you do by choosing non-monogamy. There are as many men who are hurt when they hear I am off the market as men who are hurt by a single cheating or polygamous woman. Making everyone happy is a pursuit that’s bound to fail.
I agree that women do feel as if they need 100% of a man’s available attention and resources. (Never let yourself be seen as giving gifts unequally to your girls unless you enjoy thermonuclear explosions.)
However in reality a self employed man with ample resources can spend more time and resources per each of his three women than a man who has a regular office or blue collar job.
Women’s emotions will never see it that way though.
My emotions would also never see it that way if a girl I’m in love with stepped out. When I’m pair bonded I also can have very powerful emotions.
That’s why nowadays I try to manage the situation by lying more. As much as possible I refuse to give any information about what I do with my free time, but now go so far as to deny being with other girls. Because what they do know will hurt them, and what they don’t know wont.
If Sally hadn’t kept going through my phone, she’d never have been hurt. I spend ample time with her – it’s not an issue of how much time I spend. The issue is that she wants ALL of it. That’s just greedy, when you think of it.
And yes, being non-monogamous does lower a man’s value in the woman’s eye, which is why it’s so difficult to still be her best option, as the man must be so much more valuable in all other areas. It destabilizes the situation.
But infatuation is a very powerful, compelling drug. An infatuated man or woman will put up with a lot. Until they don’t.
And when some women snap they can get vindictive, and dangerous.
Being non-monogamous is dangerous.
And men know it. It takes a certain type of character to not be intimidated by terrorists – and that’s what women fundamentally are, when it comes to monogamy. They use emotional blackmail and threats of harm to coerce monogamy. Cars get keyed, false domestic abuse charges get laid, dicks get cut off. The kind of man who would deliberately enter such dangerous territory and stand up and say “bring on your best, I won’t stand for your terrorism, I will act in my best interest as I deem appropriate” is a very different man than the man who says “Yes dear. Whatever you want dear”.
That type of bravery and individuality is at once as respected by women as it is loathed. They are strangely attracted to that type of character. The “bad boy” character.
It’s not just that women are attracted to men who could cheat, in that other women would fuck him. They are attracted to men who could cheat, in that the man has the character that would allow him to actually go through with it and fuck other women. Bad boy is not the same as pretty boy.
It’s a conflicting desire that women have. For security as well as for the bad boy.
So the man both gains and loses value by being non-monogamous. Being discreet about it and not inflaming jealousy is the tactical move for the man who wants to love more than one woman.
There are plenty of guys on the internet who talk about how to be an R selected bad boy. They understand well the appeal. But what is never understood by these men is that the internalized characteristics of being that bad boy are not in any way in conflict to our paternal and bonding characteristics. Alpha-provider is not an oxymoron.
All of us with secure attachment styles crave intimacy and pair bonding. That’s the very definition of healthy. Craving more than one woman does not suddenly turn a man into a different type of creature who does not want pair bonding and intimacy.
And women who crave pair bonding and intimacy do not suddenly not also crave bad boy characteristics. They ideally want it all from the same man.
The problem is that for one man to pull it off is fucking difficult. Not everyone can do it, not everyone wants to even put in the effort to try. It is such a rare accomplishment that even the knowledge for how to do it is rare to come across.