Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

Man affecions vs boy affections (reblogged)

Posted by xsplat on December 29, 2012

This post is reblogged from the author Jake of Cedonulli.

The concepts he talks about have been floating around for a while, but he puts them together into an aha moment of clarity that realigns and crystallizes the facts into a new lens through which to view the world. I’d go so far as to call it an insight worth noting – a historical insight.

a while back i finally figured out what makes a good relationship.

most of the gamey talk is all focused on getting laid. getting laid is the easiest thing in the world, after you do it for a while. what’s not nearly as simple is to maintain an excellent relationship. i’m going to venture out on a limb and say that MOST relationships are crap. and yet it’s really just two fundamental principles, that determine the success of any relationship.

it’s ridiculous that it took me so long to figure this out.

my relationships used to be sort of average. have a girlfriend, sometimes you get along, sometimes you don’t. sometimes she’s a cunt, sometimes she’s nice. sooner or later there are the annoying bits of jealousy and wondering if she’s cheating, and then all the arguments and breakups. standard shit.

to figure out why most relationships suck, eventually you have to look at the type of emotional connection you are seeking:

  • emotional validation from your partner
  • being able to ‘trust’ your partner
  • support from your partner
  • sort of, almost unconditional love from your partner, ‘as you
  • seeking approval from your partner

there’s more aspects, but that’s probably enough to make the point we’re getting to.

we are simple creatures. we are programmed to have an emotional connection to the opposite sex. to get a little weird about it for a second though, think about how this programming expresses itself:

there are only two types of man-love our brain is wired for.

one, the love you got, wanted to get, hoped for, maybe experienced – from you mother, as a child. that’s a key kind of emotional connection to the female. and, as much as that sounds fucked up, it’s the type of connection most men are trying to find again in their adult life – from a girlfriend / wife.

seriously consider this. look at the few bullet points above. what kind of ‘love’ is that? let’s not judge it, just look at it objectively. that’s how most men view love. they don’t think about it consciously, but that’s the love they got to experience as a child.

here’s some news: no girl will ever love you like your mom did.

before we get a bit more into that, let’s look at the other type of man-love our brain has wiring for:

the love a father has for his daughter.

again, we have to remove all the incestous, sexualized, weird bits of it, and just look at the emotional components that drive the type of interaction, expectation, dependence, and outcome. how does a father love his daughter?

giving emotional validation to the child
rationing trust, with having ‘hand’ – control
providing support
molding her in his image
giving approval, as long as the child does at it is supposed to

compare these bullets to the ones above. how do you feel about that? take out the mother / daughter thing. just look at the giving & taking ratios, look at where the control lies.

there is always control in a relationship. question is just – who has it?

there is no other emotional romantic connection wiring in our brain. it’s either seeking the love you got from your mother as a child, or creating the love you get from your offspring.

everything manosphere talks about fits into this model. the whole concept of ‘beta’ is embodied in how men deal with women who they want maternal love from. they are the weak ones, seeking approval, expecting this ocean of support, putting a woman on a pedestal. and guess what – it works for shit. mom love is done after you are grown up. realizing that means having to step away from that, coming to terms with the fact that this kind of emotional bond is DONE. being a man means being at the top of the social hierarchy.

on the flip side, relationships suddenly work incredibly well when you treat a girl not like an adult that you look up to, an adult that you seek validation from – but like a child.

think about it. shit tests? from an adult, maybe. but a child? how do you treat a child who shit tests you? well … a lot of men haven’t grown up enough to be called men, so they still wouldn’t know. but for some of us, all that’s missing is this conscious realization. you don’t seek the validation of a child, do you? you don’t ask a child if it’s ok for you to go out, do you? when you want a child to do something, how do you address it?

i’m not saying, ‘be a dick’. you still game children, a lot. you want to reward them for good behavior. dealing with kids isn’t easy, either. but if you figure that out, then you also figure out a healthy relationship with a girl. i don’t really believe that the ‘asshole game’ is a fully evolved strategy. it’s just better than wanting a replacement mom. so when a girl has the choice between a grown up (who is an asshole) vs a sniveling boy who wants a mother – she will of course pick the asshole.

but give her the choice between a father figure, an asshole, and a sniveling boy and the father figure will win, every time. part of that is giving validation, creating boundaries, being clearly in control.

if you want a great relationship, start reading parenting psychology books (not the new age feminist ones). and dog training books.

you can take this however far you want, once you get comfortable. xsplat likes to go full on daddy. it’s a genius move. a bit depraved? maybe. but better than the advocates of game stuff who act like children themselves – basically saying ‘treat girls like you are 12 and in a sandbox with a girl’. and better than mainstream culture which puts out disney shit and romantic comedies that all emulate maternal love relationships (which don’t exist).

my relationships have become something entirely different since i started taking the father figure approach. girls love it. they are willing to do anything and everything, and the general bullshit from girls is maybe 5% of what it used to be – before i figured this out.

11 Responses to “Man affecions vs boy affections (reblogged)”

  1. taterearl said

    “if you want a great relationship, start reading parenting psychology books (not the new age feminist ones). and dog training books.”

    I probably learned more about women watching the Dog Whisperer than any other garbage relationship advice show.

  2. t said

    Wow. I knew about this, but never thought to limit love to these two things. Makes sense. I think the hardest part for beta men is to realize that they can no longer chase maternal love, little acts of comfort like her rubbing your head, or putting your head in her chest, or sharing frustrations with her.

    • xsplat said

      Actually, having her rub your head can be a dominant position for the man. Consider the dominant chimp being groomed.

      Women love to pick at the dandruff in my hair. I don’t have enough dandruff lately, but I still let my girl massage my scalp sometimes. Or I’ll request a massage. Receiving affection in this way can still be from the dominant position, even if you are supine; I think it goes back to our ancient instincts of grooming our social superiors.

      Putting your head on her chest sounds more dangerous, and I’d suggest you mostly have her put her head on yours. Sometimes on a long bus or taxi ride I’ll rest my head on her lap to sleep, using her as a pillow. I don’t see a problem with that body language – she’s my utility.

      However sharing frustrations does need to be limited. I lost several thousand dollars this month in a business problem, and didn’t talk about it with her.

      • t said

        What about other motherly affections like her touching your face,squeezing your face against hers or against her stomach while you are sitting and she is standing etc.

      • xsplat said

        You’re right, the idea is to not let her take on a mothering role towards you, and a part of that is being mindful of body language.

        If in doubt you might ask yourself “would I seek out such body language from my 5 year old daughter?” You’d let your 5 year old daughter lay her weary head on your chest, but you would not do the same to her. Or ask “what would the dominant ape do?” Would the dominant ape be insulted by the presumption of a female sqeezing his face to her stomach, or would he be into it?” I’ve only seen a few primate documentaries, so maybe that last isn’t a great example, but I imagine that the ape would like partaking in a kiss from to time but would view some other attempts at intimacy as veiled attempts at domination. You don’t grab the leaders head and do anything with it – no matter how comforting it is supposed to be.

        But anyway, I think you already get it. Some intimacy that feels nurturing is fine, but be mindful that you retain your role as parent, or dominant mate, while receiving nurture, and don’t often put out vulnerable vibes. Learn to get your deep intimacy needs met from a dominant position. You can even say ‘I love you” while fucking from a dominant position. The idea eventually isn’t just to role play Daddy, but to really become Daddy.

      • t said

        I thought dandruff was supposed to be gross and a turnoff. This is too much.

  3. Wudang said

    This post rocks. Deal with your relationship with mother energy and father energy fully first and then much of this will fall into place naturally. Have you read Iron Jhon by Robert Bly Xsplat? It deals very well with issues concerning mother energy father energy etc. and how our culture does not teach men to process this well and shows how this is done in many traditional societies through initiation rites, myths and fairytales etc. I`d love to hear your take on the book. King, Warrior, Magician, Lover is another book in the same realm that deals with male archtypes etc. Both these books have been important for the mythopoetic movement that does very good internal masculinity work that lines up well with your views IMO. The way I see it the mythopoets, PUAs and MRAs should and will merge into one movement eventually.

  4. Wudang said

    It is vital to remember that in order to view her as a daughter you have to earn to role of the father. A man needs to really work on himself to earn that.

    • t said

      I think this is something that is often overlooked. It is important for the man to be a man. You can get a lot from proper frame, but for the long term it is better if it is based in reality.

  5. Holy hell. Knocked it out of the park.

  6. konoron said

    Interesting article.

    “if you want a great relationship, start reading parenting psychology books (not the new age feminist ones) […]”

    Any recommendations? Thanks.

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