In the earliest stages of drinking I get more engaged and animated.  I mix into being more social.

Then I start to become more and too honest.  Totally unfiltered.  Invariably I overestimate my wit and my sense of good judgement fails.

The next morning I’ll read text messages that I sent, and remember things that I said.  “Are you a prostitute” is not worded as craftily as “do you have people who support you with money?”

Last night I was flirting for the 4th time with some massage girls on Poppies 1.  We’d had fun jabbering before.  This time some local boy was sitting down, and in the local language kept saying that I was drunk.  Which I kinda was, but I wasn’t seeing double or slurring my words.  Then he kept asking me if I was OK.

So I stared him down and asked him 20 times if he was ok.  Are you ok?  Are you ok?  Are you ok?

Twenty times.

Hard eye contact, with only the punctuation between sentences acting as any let up from the barrage.  The silent eye contact may have been worse for him.

This did not win over the massage girls, and I had to walk away humbly with gentle good bys after that.  The fifteen year old declined to massage me.

The next morning I had to question my actions.  Did I lose face?  Was my judgement totally impaired, and was I a public idiot?

Later I had a drink.  Then the persona who was me last night became who I was again.  No, my judgement was fine.  Fuck those massage girls – they were not going to fuck me anyway.  That cock blocking no-nothing do-nothing idiot was trying to step on me, and needed to be stepped on harder.  I did the right thing.  He tried to publicly humiliate me in front of girls for drinking, so I publicly humiliated him in front of girls for being sober and Indonesian.  That’s what the passive aggressive wimp gets for trying to whip it out behind my back.  Publicly dick slapped on his stunned face.  “Are you ok?”

Drinking often makes people belligerent.  There would have been nothing to handle if I had been sober, and if there were I’d have handled it more tactfully.  My sober self might question, but my drunken self has no regrets.

Lately my Crohn’s disease is in an unusually long remission, and this has allowed me to overindulge in regular drinking.  I tried binge drinking for a while, then eased back into maintaining a mild buzz.  If I combine Ritalin with drinking it’s amazing.  I get all the social dis-inhibition but yet get to stay sharp.

It’s an incredible combination.

Not as good as being sober and meditating and in love and getting regular sex and having no job stress, but as far as chemicals go, it’s nice.

I’ve long known that booze brings out alternate personalities.  And that it can degrade the brain leading to mood problems.  Unfortunately, it feels good.  And so is addictive.  For roughly 6 years it was not an option to drink, because of my stomach.  Now the short term often tells me me to live for today.

A few days ago I met the mother and twenty-two year old son of and with my Chinese lover in in their one room apartment in Bali, in order to be grilled about my intentions.  I was drunk and on Ritalin, which was the only reason I agreed to show up.  I was unusually suave.  Even though I was honest that I had no plans to marry the girl, they were won over.  The booze and Ritalin boosted (or rather disinhibted) my social skills and comfort, and it was a good time, even though at the end it felt like I’d been in a boxing ring.

They had no idea that I’d been drinking.

For extroverts, you may never empathize.  Introverts are attuned to being socially lubricated.  Being social without being stupid drunk is a great feeing.  Ritalin and booze.

Meanwhile I’m learning at what stage of drinking I can still text.  A little drinking helps with connecting and being creative.  Too much and I’m too dis-inhibited – “I would fuck you if you were not so fat”.   A bit more and I feel great but can’t accomplish much.  I’m learning how to wake up with no hangover.  Most likely I’ll have to just go back to giving up the bottle totally, but for now at least I’m rediscovering how to harness the power of the booze.

Aside: the strangest thing.  N20, who used to be incredibly obtuse and annoying, is actually growing up.  We’re in a renewed romantic phase, and she even brought an attractive young new girl into my bed for a threesome as an offering.  A girl who could see us whenever we ask.  N is still jealous and insecure, and the along with the 2 other main girls there are literal death threats all around, but N did that for me.  That was truly touching, and that put her into a new category for me.  She’s my bottom bitch.  I’ve had other girls offer that, but N was the first to follow through, from planning to execution.  The sex itself wasn’t above average, but just having them both there and switching condom-less back and forth between the two was heaven on earth.  I’d never have guessed that I’d actually fall in love with N, but she pulled it off with that manoeuvre.

I’m sure I’ll always prefer private romantic sex, but it feels like a king to feel like a king.

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