In the earliest stages of drinking I get more engaged and animated. I mix into being more social.
Then I start to become more and too honest. Totally unfiltered. Invariably I overestimate my wit and my sense of good judgement fails.
The next morning I’ll read text messages that I sent, and remember things that I said. “Are you a prostitute” is not worded as craftily as “do you have people who support you with money?”
Last night I was flirting for the 4th time with some massage girls on Poppies 1. We’d had fun jabbering before. This time some local boy was sitting down, and in the local language kept saying that I was drunk. Which I kinda was, but I wasn’t seeing double or slurring my words. Then he kept asking me if I was OK.
So I stared him down and asked him 20 times if he was ok. Are you ok? Are you ok? Are you ok?
Twenty times.
Hard eye contact, with only the punctuation between sentences acting as any let up from the barrage. The silent eye contact may have been worse for him.
This did not win over the massage girls, and I had to walk away humbly with gentle good bys after that. The fifteen year old declined to massage me.
The next morning I had to question my actions. Did I lose face? Was my judgement totally impaired, and was I a public idiot?
Later I had a drink. Then the persona who was me last night became who I was again. No, my judgement was fine. Fuck those massage girls – they were not going to fuck me anyway. That cock blocking no-nothing do-nothing idiot was trying to step on me, and needed to be stepped on harder. I did the right thing. He tried to publicly humiliate me in front of girls for drinking, so I publicly humiliated him in front of girls for being sober and Indonesian. That’s what the passive aggressive wimp gets for trying to whip it out behind my back. Publicly dick slapped on his stunned face. “Are you ok?”
Drinking often makes people belligerent. There would have been nothing to handle if I had been sober, and if there were I’d have handled it more tactfully. My sober self might question, but my drunken self has no regrets.
Lately my Crohn’s disease is in an unusually long remission, and this has allowed me to overindulge in regular drinking. I tried binge drinking for a while, then eased back into maintaining a mild buzz. If I combine Ritalin with drinking it’s amazing. I get all the social dis-inhibition but yet get to stay sharp.
It’s an incredible combination.
Not as good as being sober and meditating and in love and getting regular sex and having no job stress, but as far as chemicals go, it’s nice.
I’ve long known that booze brings out alternate personalities. And that it can degrade the brain leading to mood problems. Unfortunately, it feels good. And so is addictive. For roughly 6 years it was not an option to drink, because of my stomach. Now the short term often tells me me to live for today.
A few days ago I met the mother and twenty-two year old son of and with my Chinese lover in in their one room apartment in Bali, in order to be grilled about my intentions. I was drunk and on Ritalin, which was the only reason I agreed to show up. I was unusually suave. Even though I was honest that I had no plans to marry the girl, they were won over. The booze and Ritalin boosted (or rather disinhibted) my social skills and comfort, and it was a good time, even though at the end it felt like I’d been in a boxing ring.
They had no idea that I’d been drinking.
For extroverts, you may never empathize. Introverts are attuned to being socially lubricated. Being social without being stupid drunk is a great feeing. Ritalin and booze.
Meanwhile I’m learning at what stage of drinking I can still text. A little drinking helps with connecting and being creative. Too much and I’m too dis-inhibited – “I would fuck you if you were not so fat”. A bit more and I feel great but can’t accomplish much. I’m learning how to wake up with no hangover. Most likely I’ll have to just go back to giving up the bottle totally, but for now at least I’m rediscovering how to harness the power of the booze.
Aside: the strangest thing. N20, who used to be incredibly obtuse and annoying, is actually growing up. We’re in a renewed romantic phase, and she even brought an attractive young new girl into my bed for a threesome as an offering. A girl who could see us whenever we ask. N is still jealous and insecure, and the along with the 2 other main girls there are literal death threats all around, but N did that for me. That was truly touching, and that put her into a new category for me. She’s my bottom bitch. I’ve had other girls offer that, but N was the first to follow through, from planning to execution. The sex itself wasn’t above average, but just having them both there and switching condom-less back and forth between the two was heaven on earth. I’d never have guessed that I’d actually fall in love with N, but she pulled it off with that manoeuvre.
I’m sure I’ll always prefer private romantic sex, but it feels like a king to feel like a king.
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Nikolai Vladivostok said:
Sounds like a fine weekend. If I drink too much I just fall asleep.
xsplat said:
I get way too unfiltered when I drink. V broke up with me last night because I told her that I could never be a one woman man. But then after many text messages today decided to come visit me tonight anyway. Very sensitive and romantic girl – the more she is attached to me the more she can’t stand the thought of me with anyone else – she complains of very painful heart break.
Many of the girls often do, and it brings up the question of just how big of a dick that I am. The girls say that I cause pain – a lot of it – and it often leads to a lot of drama.
Today I decided that I have to stop the drinking. Losing V even for a day was fucked up.
After she broke up with me late at night last night, I had another date. It went very well and the girl wants me to move her out to my other city when I go there.
It’s the strangest thing. When I’m in front of one girl I can be genuinely in love, to the point of having tears of joy. And of course when they break up with me it physically hurts like hell. Twenty minutes after V was out the door I was cuddling with a new piece of yum, and happy all over again.
It seems to be getting harder and harder to find attractive good girls. Online in Bali a great percentage of the valuable girls charge money outright. That just doesn’t work for me. Girls know their value, and it’s pretty hard to meet young attractive girls who want to fall in love with a 50 year old man. Good thing I tend not to get too bored with the same girls as long as I have a few of them.
I think it’s fair to say I’m addicted to sex. That’s not usually any sort of problem, as it’s healthy and I have a regular supply. But if my pipeline plans somehow fail it would be a disaster to lose access to the quality of tight young ass that I’ve become accustomed to.
Some people say that there simply flat out are no “good girls”. I’d have to disagree. My V was a virgin when I met her, and strongly wants to be a one man for life woman. I doubt she’d be unfaithful. It’s a bit of a shame that I’m not built differently. She could have made a good wife.
Instead if I were to marry it would need to be to a smaller girl with a hotter face, who scored extremely high on the openness to new experience personality trait. She’d need to certainly be up for threesomes, and it would help if she actually served them up. And then on top of all that she’d have to be a good conversationalist. My dead girlfriend came closest to all of that, and we actually had plans to have children.
V doesn’t want kids unless I marry her. I want to knock her up anyway. Which proves the point of how greedy and selfish I can be.
M wants my babies also.
Little Sarah is completely baby crazy now. We’re sort of broken up. She wants to come back but keeps demanding that I remain faithful, which is impossible.
N doesn’t seem to want kids, but also wants my come inside her and doesn’t take any birth control any more.
V is really the only girl I’d want to make pregnant, at this point. Smart and stable. She’d make a great kid and be a great mom. Unfortunate that she’s 100% adamant that she could never accept my lifestyle. The only thing keeping her seeing me is that she’s the type of romantic who gets obsessed and can’t stop thinking about her partner. I used to be like that at her age. Once in love there was no switch to turn it off, and it was obsessive.
xsplat said:
I’ve decided to try to just get back into chi-kung and sex with my regular girls and business. Booze or booze and ritalin feels great and all, but after a while without I’d get cravings, and not feel so good. Addiction in short. And it messed with my productivity.
It might take a while before the cravings go away, but one day at a time until then.
A few months ago I came to Bali. After V left to travel around Australia and New Zealand, I had no girls here, and so often went hunting. I drank a lot of beer and booze to lubricate the motions of hunting for new girls.
On coming back to Java, I kept up the habit of drinking. It was fun and made me feel good, most of the time. As I had not been drinking regularly for years, I had to re-learn the perils of drinking all over again. Don’t drink too much or the next day I’d be too low energy to be productive during work. If binge drinking, watch my mouth because I say things that can go against my interest.
By the time we came back to Bali, I’d been drinking not only every day, but during the day. I’d learned to keep just a moderate buzz, and wake up sober with no hangover. Mad men style drinking. The kind of drinking Churchill used to do.
If you don’t drink often, drinking a bit makes you feel warm and happy. If you drink all the time, you need a drink just to begin to feel normal.
This was mostly working fine – it was fun, and socially lubricating. The problem was I started saying silly things at times. My ability to concentrate and motivation to work suffered.
Now I’ve been sober for three days and moving back into what I used to do to increase mood, and to feel warm and happy. I’m using romance with my girls, and chi-kung, and keeping focused on business for a long term positive future. All three work together. And at times again I get a pretty good buzz that way.
As I have had times in the past of drinking regularly too much, I’ll have to simply stop now. It was fun to spend a few months dipping into functional alcoholism. I did it just long enough to relearn why that’s not a good lifestyle.