Occasionally a reader will tell me to shut up because the knowledge I lay down is too advanced. It’s too difficult for a beginner to implement, and so they can’t get there from here, and so just be quiet about it so as not to cause trouble. Knowledge such as “no doesn’t really mean no”, or “sometimes a girl wants a slap”.
This is advanced level shit coming up. It’s about being mature AND angry. Some consider that a contradiction. It is difficult to ride powerful waves of emotion without feeling inundated and out of control. So this is advanced – but it is part of being a full mature male. If you want to grow up, if you want to have the respect of your woman and rightfully own her command, you have to do this.
Sometimes a woman will be deliberately and routinely disrespectful. We call that a “shit test”, as she is testing her ability to walk all over you. She might text an old flame in front of you early on in the dating process. The first time you want to use the minimal possible force to deflect or turn around her little game. You might be completely non-reactive. For the next shit test you’ll need to up your response to the next level. Be aloof and funny and slightly insulting. Maybe place a fake call in front of her and start having loud phone sex. The next time the child misbehaves, she’s just being in your face about her blatant disrespect for your ability to give her boundaries. You’ll have to up your response, as any good parent would. There comes a time when you will have to lay down the law. So you tell her – “if you want to call your ex, do it when you’re not in front of me”. Don’t argue with her about it and ignore any attempt to have a discussion about that. Just state your rule. Women understand rules. If you must, back it up with a threat – if you won’t stop doing that, I won’t see you anymore. But better to leave the threats as implied at this stage if possible.
But some girls just won’t leave shit alone. They’ll find passive aggressive deniable ways to push your bottons. They’ll do the exact shit that they know bothers you.
At that point you really need to also be seeing other girls to put the fear into her. But whether you do or not, now is the time to raise your response level to thermonuclear.
You will lay down the law. The law. This time, don’t feel the need to be all civilized and in control about it. She gave up her right to civility with her behavior. There is a time and a place for controlled fire, and there is a time and a place for controlled rage. Rage.
Real genuine anger is not some out of control unstoppable force, like a wild thunderbolt ready to cause unknowable random damage. Anger in a mature adult male is a display of his fierce embodied sincerity of will. Be fucking angry with no apologies about it. Be fucking pissed at her and let her know exactly why.
Just don’t be impotently pissed. Be pissed like a man who will do something about it if things don’t improve.
Most people are not ready to hear this information. But it’s solid truth. Don’t be too civil. Making it a requirement of yourself to be civil binds your hands, and this self limiting makes you weak. Allow your inner caveman out to be fully embodied. Even be a bit unpredictable about it.
And for the small percentage of you ready to hear it, I give you even further advanced language; your woman must fear you.
If she doesn’t fear you, she doesn’t respect you. If she doesn’t respect you, she does not desire you.
But some women enjoy negative attention, and require an occasional drama fix. In that case rage is not an effective deterrent. There is a further step you can take past rage. If the girl is getting off on winding you up and thrills to the drama, you must abandon her as punishment. A woman who does not fear rage will certainly fear abandonment. Throw her out of your apartment, physically if need be, or go to a hotel and don’t answer texts. Wait at least 24 hours, after which you don’t need to discuss the matter. Keep this option at the ready at the first sign of further shit. You must be tactical and outmaneuver the girl, leaving her with no options but to either comply, or leave you.
Remember that for women who require drama, after denying them their drama on their terms, you must give it to them on your own terms. Manhandle and rough-house her in some passionate sex. Play little mind games to keep her emotions fending off the dreaded vacuum of anxious boredom. Tease, push, pull, play. She needs bouts of intensity throughout the day.
There is a step further still past temporary abandonment. It’s indifference. Completely ignore her. Don’t get into it with her. If she talks to you tell her to shut up. But if you feel genuine indifference, things are getting chilly. Time to start a fresh hunt.
Update: V says:
This is not the kind of shit test you pass by just keeping your cool and acting like it doesn’t affect you. She most likely KNOWS that this ex stuff bothers you, or SHOULD bother you. If you do and say nothing, you are eating the shit she serves up on your plate. Eating shit = failing shit test.
Stop eating her shit and then make her stop serving it on your plate. To correct her undesireable behaviour you have to be willing to PUNISH her (those who are unwilling to punish are called ‘too nice’ or ‘nice guys’). Excessive punishment is called ABUSE. That is why, as xsplat says, you start out at a minor level of punishment. If the behavior does not cease, you gradually turn up the volume of your punishment. When the behavior ceases, you can cease punishment.
xsplat said: “And for the small percentage of you ready to hear it, I give you even further advanced language; your woman must fear you.
If she doesn’t fear you, she doesn’t respect you. If she doesn’t respect you, she does not desire you.”
I would add one thing to the above quote for clarification: she must fear and respect your AUTHORITY. She should not be walking on pins and needles ALL THE TIME because she fears YOU. She only needs to fear disobeying or disrespecting your AUTHORITY. When her behavior is in order she should feel happy while knowing what to expect if she steps out of line.
Yes, you said it better than I did. I’m prone to using shocking polemical language, as I want to piss people off and draw them into a discussion and engage their brains in thinking in new ways. I want to start changing habits, and I figure one way to do that is by highlighting through argument what our current habits are by contrasting them against a painful idea.
But really, you said it more clearly. She needs to fear punishment if she crosses a line she knows should not be crossed. Most of the time she should be getting positive vibes.
Just like children, women feel more safe and loved when constrained within boundaries.