Occasionally a reader will tell me to shut up because the knowledge I lay down is too advanced. It’s too difficult for a beginner to implement, and so they can’t get there from here, and so just be quiet about it so as not to cause trouble. Knowledge such as “no doesn’t really mean no”, or “sometimes a girl wants a slap”.
This is advanced level shit coming up. It’s about being mature AND angry. Some consider that a contradiction. It is difficult to ride powerful waves of emotion without feeling inundated and out of control. So this is advanced – but it is part of being a full mature male. If you want to grow up, if you want to have the respect of your woman and rightfully own her command, you have to do this.
Sometimes a woman will be deliberately and routinely disrespectful. We call that a “shit test”, as she is testing her ability to walk all over you. She might text an old flame in front of you early on in the dating process. The first time you want to use the minimal possible force to deflect or turn around her little game. You might be completely non-reactive. For the next shit test you’ll need to up your response to the next level. Be aloof and funny and slightly insulting. Maybe place a fake call in front of her and start having loud phone sex. The next time the child misbehaves, she’s just being in your face about her blatant disrespect for your ability to give her boundaries. You’ll have to up your response, as any good parent would. There comes a time when you will have to lay down the law. So you tell her – “if you want to call your ex, do it when you’re not in front of me”. Don’t argue with her about it and ignore any attempt to have a discussion about that. Just state your rule. Women understand rules. If you must, back it up with a threat – if you won’t stop doing that, I won’t see you anymore. But better to leave the threats as implied at this stage if possible.
But some girls just won’t leave shit alone. They’ll find passive aggressive deniable ways to push your bottons. They’ll do the exact shit that they know bothers you.
At that point you really need to also be seeing other girls to put the fear into her. But whether you do or not, now is the time to raise your response level to thermonuclear.
You will lay down the law. The law. This time, don’t feel the need to be all civilized and in control about it. She gave up her right to civility with her behavior. There is a time and a place for controlled fire, and there is a time and a place for controlled rage. Rage.
Real genuine anger is not some out of control unstoppable force, like a wild thunderbolt ready to cause unknowable random damage. Anger in a mature adult male is a display of his fierce embodied sincerity of will. Be fucking angry with no apologies about it. Be fucking pissed at her and let her know exactly why.
Just don’t be impotently pissed. Be pissed like a man who will do something about it if things don’t improve.
Most people are not ready to hear this information. But it’s solid truth. Don’t be too civil. Making it a requirement of yourself to be civil binds your hands, and this self limiting makes you weak. Allow your inner caveman out to be fully embodied. Even be a bit unpredictable about it.
And for the small percentage of you ready to hear it, I give you even further advanced language; your woman must fear you.
If she doesn’t fear you, she doesn’t respect you. If she doesn’t respect you, she does not desire you.
But some women enjoy negative attention, and require an occasional drama fix. In that case rage is not an effective deterrent. There is a further step you can take past rage. If the girl is getting off on winding you up and thrills to the drama, you must abandon her as punishment. A woman who does not fear rage will certainly fear abandonment. Throw her out of your apartment, physically if need be, or go to a hotel and don’t answer texts. Wait at least 24 hours, after which you don’t need to discuss the matter. Keep this option at the ready at the first sign of further shit. You must be tactical and outmaneuver the girl, leaving her with no options but to either comply, or leave you.
Remember that for women who require drama, after denying them their drama on their terms, you must give it to them on your own terms. Manhandle and rough-house her in some passionate sex. Play little mind games to keep her emotions fending off the dreaded vacuum of anxious boredom. Tease, push, pull, play. She needs bouts of intensity throughout the day.
There is a step further still past temporary abandonment. It’s indifference. Completely ignore her. Don’t get into it with her. If she talks to you tell her to shut up. But if you feel genuine indifference, things are getting chilly. Time to start a fresh hunt.
Update: V says:
This is not the kind of shit test you pass by just keeping your cool and acting like it doesn’t affect you. She most likely KNOWS that this ex stuff bothers you, or SHOULD bother you. If you do and say nothing, you are eating the shit she serves up on your plate. Eating shit = failing shit test.
Stop eating her shit and then make her stop serving it on your plate. To correct her undesireable behaviour you have to be willing to PUNISH her (those who are unwilling to punish are called ‘too nice’ or ‘nice guys’). Excessive punishment is called ABUSE. That is why, as xsplat says, you start out at a minor level of punishment. If the behavior does not cease, you gradually turn up the volume of your punishment. When the behavior ceases, you can cease punishment.
xsplat said: “And for the small percentage of you ready to hear it, I give you even further advanced language; your woman must fear you.
If she doesn’t fear you, she doesn’t respect you. If she doesn’t respect you, she does not desire you.”I would add one thing to the above quote for clarification: she must fear and respect your AUTHORITY. She should not be walking on pins and needles ALL THE TIME because she fears YOU. She only needs to fear disobeying or disrespecting your AUTHORITY. When her behavior is in order she should feel happy while knowing what to expect if she steps out of line.
Yes, you said it better than I did. I’m prone to using shocking polemical language, as I want to piss people off and draw them into a discussion and engage their brains in thinking in new ways. I want to start changing habits, and I figure one way to do that is by highlighting through argument what our current habits are by contrasting them against a painful idea.
But really, you said it more clearly. She needs to fear punishment if she crosses a line she knows should not be crossed. Most of the time she should be getting positive vibes.
Just like children, women feel more safe and loved when constrained within boundaries.
Random Xpat Rantings 
I think for most men isnt that they can’t deduct the logical conclusions from what you and others mention to them. Their main issue is that they can’t or refuse to accept (like me until recently) the true function of morality in society. They feel compelled to lead their lives directed by its (insidiously nefarious, lol?) course instead of simply viewing it as a mechanism which evolved to allow groups of monkeys to compete more effectively with other groups of monkeys
It’s true that ideas come with emotions attached to them. Some of the feelings we get when we have a thought can be quite strong. Aversion, disgust, desire, hatred, lust. Even indifference is a type of attached emotion, as it precludes empathy.
To think clearly is highly advanced brain driving. Formula one level stuff. Most of us prefer to take at face value the emotions that come with our thoughts, and leave it at that. Women are the best example of emotional thinkers; they will fight logic in the interest of their emotive stance. We call that rationalization, or the hamster.
Morals are the feelings we are programmed to get. They are strong feelings. Mostly they are helpful, overall.
But thinking clearly is also helpful, and an accurate mental map of the world is a very powerful tool to have. It’s useful to develop habits of mind that allow one to have an accurate mental map. This means opening up to the fears of cognitive dissonance routinely. Examining assumptions. Not resting with easy solutions, but trying to integrate each and every new fact into a big picture whole. Every time facts seem at odds, the new way to deal with them is not by pretending not to notice, but to notice extra carefully – that’s a red flag! Alarm bells go off whenever a new piece of information doesn’t fit in. Just as the TV Detective Colombo would start an entire line of investigation just based on one random cigarette butt on the floor, one little disparate clue can turn around your entire world view.
Thinking clearly is a power. An enormous power.
Thinking emotionally is also useful. But if you have the brainpower to integrate more of reality into a cohesive world view and functioning ego, it’s more powerful to do so.
Of course mindfulness techniques facilitate this; watching as emotions arise without reacting, examining logically what constitutes the ego and comparing it to experience, and even just resting quietly without doing anything. Our thought patterns are stuck in habits, and these techniques allow us to allow a little space of awareness around our habits, refine habits, break out of habits, form new habits, and most of all it allows more of the brain to light up at once – we can be aware of more facts at the same time, more of experience at the same time, and integrate more of our knowledge and perception into the present moment. Insight meditation literally allows the mind to rest in insight – to rest in a ready state of awareness that integrates in a massively parallel fashion, as opposed to our usual linear thought processes.
Our bigger picture view will creatively piece together knowledge that before we were comfortable letting our emotions just let sit there undisturbed.
Great post man, had to think about it for a while before responding.
I think most males trying to use game have more problems with the emotional thinking than the logical thinking.
Since i feel i belong to the former I believe I can speak for more than a few that the difficult part about mastering the concept of game is not the logical part; the evopsych theory of game makes sense and most importantly it works well in practical situations.
The problem is the emotional thinking as you call it. It might sound corny but men & boys have been dreaming about a certain fairness towards how their life’s going to be: you get together with a woman at some tender age in a very much idealized cooperative union in which you both always tell the truth and try to give as much as you get from the relationship. I know this sounds incredibly naive but that’s the point!
Then as soon as game is introduced it doesn’t merely tell men how to handle women, it also completely shatters this concept of fairness in social relations. Some men might have an easier time coping with this but mainly for guys with large future-time orientation this is a tough pill to swallow. In my case it led to pretty hardcore cynicism followed by some black humor to see a point in it all, followed again some of the most anhedonic sex ever (you were right, thinking during sex is fucking awful). Anyway it seems hard to get back to that naive optimism that you had as a kid and that made relationships actually appealing.
Hopefully I made sense. Also i would appreciate it if you would give me the titles of the books about mindfullness that you would recommend, thanx!
That’s well said and I understand what you mean.
As for book recommendations unfortunately I’ve lost my library a few times as I travel, and can only remember a few books that really stood out to me. But I fear those may not resonate today. At age 16 I found books by Baba Ram Dass fun and accessible. But he was into devotion of his teachers, which is why I think his writings might not resonate with today’s audiences – that sort of thing can verge on personality worship and can be viewed of as distracting to the main points of mind training. My favorite book of his included many meditation excersises from many traditions, interspersed with little stories, sayings, and comments. I forget the name, but it had a pinky-violet-wine color cover and was a thick paperback. Published by Hanuman press.
Then there is the classic Zen Mind Beginners Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. That one really grabbed my attention at a young age.
A more advanced manual is Progressive Stages of Meditation on Emptiness by Kenpo Tsultrim Gyatso. That’s difficult to find. I believe it’s through Shambala press? Specialist bookstores that cater to Chogyam Trungpas lineage of students sometimes carry it.
In fact, if you can find such a “dharma store”, your best bet is to walk in and ask for advice. You’ll want something foremost that interests you. No point in having the best meditation manual in the world if you find it dry and boring. You wan’t to be engaged and captivated, on as many levels as possible. I suppose that’s why some get into devotion, as they find it very emotionally engaging and inspirational.
You’ll find that discipline begets discipline. At first meditating for fifteen minutes will be an unbearable chore. Eventually you’ll feel something is lacking in your day if you miss taking time to meditate. The habit grows the habit. And the converse is true. This is why many people find it necessary to create a rigid structure that forces them to at least maintain the minimum level of habit each day. It’s been said that this slow steady method of dealing with how meditation affects the neuroplastic re-organization of brain habits is more powerful than spurts of intense periods of meditation, however you’ll find that intense spurts are also quite effective. If you can take a month off to live in an organized meditation retreat, you will never regret it. No one has ever regretted such an act.
So as for choosing helper books, if you can’t find a dharma store, your local bookstore is bound to have a section on Buddhism. Anything Zen is bound to be fine. Some people connect to Chogyam Trungpas style as personal and engaging. Stay away from books that don’t apportion focus on the actual meditation practice.
Oh – and I highly recommend what is now popularly called Chi-Kung. Or sometimes called Daoist energetic practices. Many towns will have a small class, where you can get together and learn in a group. Otherwise there are videos and books available.
Oh, and for a philosophical overlay I highly recommend Ken Wilbers Brief History of Everything. You’ll find that better than anything written by any meditation master or philosopher. He has a small library of other good books, but Brief History is his most accessible summary.
Ditto to the books about mindfulness. Also, I have seen you mention here and other places several times about this type of controlled anger and negative reinforcement. However, you never mention positive reinforcement, but I assume you use that as well to reinforce behaviours you like. What specific actions do you use for positive reinforcement? A kiss, a compliment, a smile? I hate to break this down so much but it would be helpful to learn from your experience.
I emailed you a similar question but never heard back.
You are very correct that positive enforcement is needed. I’m sure I often mention that the default mood of the house should be warm and fun, and that it is the man’s responsibility to control the mood.
I’ll see if I can’t make a bullet point list of some mood enhancing gestures to make throughout the day. Talking about negative stuff tends to grab our attention more though, doesn’t it? Everybody likes a little outrageous complaint resolved by catharsis.
I’ll make this one point though. For me my style of giving positive attention is largely to give blasts of very intense feeling. With a close lover that means looking her in the eyes when we fuck, long screamingly intense sex sessions, role playing, talking and laughing when we fuck, or even letting loose into the sweetest romance and letting tears come out from the intimacy during fucking. And slapping and degradation. Just intense connection of all colors.
And then I’ll ignore the girl and focus on my laptop.
That level of strong intensity is core to my being, and core to how I interact with women. I’m sure it’s very addictive.
This is one reason I don’t pump and dump. I need to be able to maintain my ability to bond. That is essential to both my well being and my magical powers.
Interesting.
I think there are two types of positive reinforcement that I am referring to. One is the general warm atmosphere that you speak of throughout the day, the other is directly reinforcing behaviour. For example, she cooked something new and obviously put a lot of effort into it, things like that. How do you encourage her to please and submit you?
Same as for a dog. For new behaviors she is learning, such as learning to prepare meals for me for the first time, I’d give more praise each time. But as time goes on I just give a nod and say “this is good” after each meal is prepared, as such behavior is by then expected. I still reward, but don’t make such a big deal of it. Intermittently I’ll make a bigger deal of appreciating her meal and efforts by going on throughout the meal about how I like that recipe. The praise is not consistent, and she looks for approval after each offering.
For learning how to dress like a woman I give her the praise of my lascivious attention and my hard boner.
For her daily chores, it’s more of a quiet expectation, plus I actually give her a small salary for that. Very occasionally I’ll give reinforcing praise. “It’s all nice and clean in here! Good job! I like clean.”
Sometimes I’ll praise a good fucking session with a simple “Good fucking”.
Then there is the quiet silent praise of her fitting into my world by simply doing her job. I make her study English, and this is a simple expectation, that gets no praise from me. Her tutor can praise her progress. She often claims she appreciates me for making a better woman out of her, and lists this expectation. She has duties, and doing them is praised by the right to belong to my tribe.