If you would like to increase your confidence, you have two options:
1) Change your thinking, independent of the environmental feedback
2) Change the environmental feedback in order to change your thinking.
Number 1 is closely associated with narcissism. Narcissisists are not able to maintain long term relationships, because other people eventrually re-evaluate their esteem of the person. They see through the lies and bluster, then move on.
There is nothing shameful about persuing validation. Validation is good. Being respected is good. Being wanted is good. Blow jobs are good.
Ego is our self assessment of what we think OTHER people are thinking about us. It is how confident we are to stand out and have an opposing opinion, because we realize we can afford the temporary loss to communal esteem. We all need a strong, capable, cohesive, accurate and constantly adjusting ego.
And to complicate things ego is also an evaluation of how wrong other people are about us. It’s not one or the other. Others can be wrong and we are not just basing our self-(evaluation)-esteem on fickle feedback from the plebes. Still, esteem is fundamentally about others; If we are incredible and nobody knows it, then we must learn how to be incredible in others eyes, not learn how to be incredible in our own. The whole purpose of esteem is a social purpose.
The esteem system was evolved and is therefore hard wired as instinctual neuronal brain pathways. The purpose of it is to jostle for social position, and to receive pleasurable feedback for climbing the social ladder.
There are hacks and short cuts to higher self esteem, but there is no escaping that esteem is fundamentally about how OTHERS perceive us, and long term esteem is a long term social negotiation. Pump and dump bluster among gangs of thieves and whores who swipe left or right on Tinder requires completely different esteem systems than does long term high value community interaction along with a devoted mate.
You can’t fake it until you make it in a nightclub, to any degree of skill, in order to gain the type of esteem required to maintain an LTR with a girl you want an LTR with.
To complicate things further, esteem is a zero sum game, as our positions on the ladder determine the fitness and resources of our mates. Therefore we fight esteem wars, and try to put each other down. So there is a sea of esteem disinformation that we swim in; signal to noise ratio is not good.
We all go up and down in social status – it’s not merely because other people are fickle. Sometimes it’s because we go up and down in finances, appearance, social status, mental acuity, and whatever else humans value.
It’s a very high level cognitive process to make sense of it all. If national newspapers publish fake attack articles against you, will your self esteem drop? If you lose your job and get burns on your face and all your girlfriends leave you will your self esteem drop?
Self esteem should rise and fall. Don’t try to maintain it artificially. Once again; the definition of self esteem is a mental map of how OTHERS perceive you, and your strategy to jostle your position. Self esteem is NOT a form of feel good masturbation. It’s as social as sex.
Make your esteem an accurate mental map, and be ambitious and greedy for more. Esteem is good, and if you deserve it, then good for you!
Whether you are deeply emotionally and neurotically invested, or if you take it as a funny impersonal game to play, it’s still the same game. Your relationship to the esteem game won’t change the fundamental nature of the esteem game.
I’ve always advocated to have an ACCURATE self esteem mental map. Even though none of our maps could ever be accurate.
Once again: if you are not working to improve your social position, you are passively accepting a social decrease. Never blame the bitches for being hypergamous. Blame your lazy ass for not getting the esteem job done. It’s a job as serious as any other, and ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.
If you appreciate this post, please share it all over the place. It’s common for me to get over-excited about a post, but I think this is my standout most valuable post ever, and that it has deep repercussions into many popular memes and community ideals. It’s nearly original insight; you may have read the same things elsewhere, but this is the first time that the ideas are clear enough to ring the bells of recognition. “Oh ya! I knew that, but just didn’t have words yet for that knowledge!”