Rambling diary post of icky personal goo. Not a self help post, or a how to. An explanation of a current identity crisis.
I’ve been watching Bombard’s youtube channel of body language analysis. I started off with the Russel Brand analysis, and just kept going. Soon I came upon this:
which shows Joe Biden being creepy. Sorry – it’s not only a shame word used by girls against low value men hitting on them – it’s a real thing. See if you don’t agree.
Bombard doesn’t hide her beliefs during her commentaries. During one she explains that those with a core morality related to a higher power can display a greater solidity of confidence.
I translated her idea into one with more meaning to me, and was reminded of recently coming off a strong medicinal Ketamine trip, realizing that I do identify with strong core beliefs – or rather a strong core identity, of being essentially love.
I think the higher power idea of her’s is superfluous, and once that’s removed her idea remains, even stronger.
Feeling that core identity is not a woosy temporary feeling brought on by moods or events or hormones; it’s a core idendity.
And yet, sometimes I’ve found myself, somewhat to my surprise, looking a lover in the face, and responding repeatedly with a flat faced lie, when asked if I was seeing any other girls.
It’s been explained to me, and I’ve seen first hand, that infidelity can lead to great anguish. I’ve felt it myself sometimes too.
Recently I’ve had to try to figure this all out. It’s a type of quandary that is cognitive dissonance, which really needs to be sorted out. While trying to figure out how I can flat faced lie to women that I love, and fuck around despite their protestations, I wrote this:
Competing interests means that relationships by nature are inherently flawed and partial. There is no conception or accurate mental map of a healthy working relationship where everyones needs are largely met in an ongoing way, because that situation does not happen to human beings.
We want from others what they can not provide out of their own free will and desire, long term. And we resent the impositions of the wants of others.
That’s the world we are incarnated into, choicelessly.
I think the statements are true, and somewhat insightful, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that this was an Adams Family morbid take on the facts. There MUST be a better way to spin the facts, into something workable! MUST BE!
What a horrible quandary, if it were true that all at once:
1) I have a core basic identity of love
2) Also have a core basic identity of being an individual who can’t compromise on wanting non-monogamy sometimes, and can’t know when I’ll want that.
3) That this will cause pain to those that I love.
What a mess!
I tried to resolve it by remembering how non-monogamy worked very well with Kiki, and realizing the details required by me for a mate.
To continue with the problem solving;
The body language vids remind of how much better it feels to be honest. And according to Bombard, people can tell when you’re lying anyway.
Actually, in my defence, it must be said that most of the fundamentals that I’ve said on this blog, I’ve also said to everyone I’ve ever dated. I’ve explained my personality and sexual philosophies in unabashed explicit detail more than once to V. She’s also found evidence of me being with girls, and broken up with me about it not once, not twice, but three times. And with most other girls if I did not want to have a discussion about painful truths, I’d remain silent, and not be forced into the corner of a lie.
It came to pass that in order to be with her, I had two choices. Stop seeing other girls, or lie. So at first I lied. Then I tried to stop seeing other girls, but that did not fix the problem. That actually could be the subject of many more posts; that’s a big deal.
So I TRIED to have an honest relationship, and I TRIED to be explicit and show every last square inch of my real self to her.
On her part, being in love, she was compelled to be with me, if at all possible, and me making repeated promises to reform was enough. For a while. Until the REAL problem started to become more obvious; being faithful is NOT the cure; it’s only an ACTION.
I started with the Biden video, to point out that there is such a thing as innappropriate behaviour, and that my quote about how it’s all a dog eat dog world anyway is no excuse for overstepping boundaries.
Seduction includes overstepping boundaries, and then stepping back waiting for her to lean in, over and over. Sometimes people don’t really know what’s best for them at first, and will later thank tough-love. Girls will complain about the bad boy, but constantly go back to him and give the good boys their tears on shoulders. And so forth. No black and white.
But lying to a girl who has carefully explained that she’ll be traumatized and heartbroken if you cheat…
I’m trying to wrap my head around it. I don’t really feel guilty – somehow my belief system has allowed for that.
But my belief system is also somewhat at odds with my core.
I don’t even really know how I’m going to sort this out.
I did try the honesty route at first, but it led to a break up with a girl I’m really into and rely on and who is not easy to replace.
And on her part of course she was trying to manipulate me into unspeakable unhappiness (litterally monogamy is a hell that can’t be spoken of), so it was a type of type of war of love, where there will be winners and losers, if together. And loses for both if apart. There was no win-win situation there.
Ya, I’m just going to have to leave it at that. I can’t remember ever writing a blog post out where I didn’t already have a crystalized answer.
The answer to this one might take a while.