Most of us are not terribly interested in growing up. Society remains at a child’s level of development, and we feel that we may as well be also – it’s the norm and correct.
So when we love someone, usually we actually just love what we want them to be. As soon as our idealized version of who they are is untenable due to them acting as a normal, separate, human being, we fault them, and then have a PERSONAL crisis of identity. We can’t remain in love, and instead becomes a person who hates.
We’ve all seen it and heard it countless times. Each partner has promised monogamy, each is getting some on the side, and each is furious with the other.
A stable identity is not something to take for granted. A huge chunk of the population has identity issues, where their self conception varies wildly, along with moods and circumstances. There are whole cultures where this is more the average level of emotional development – especially the Face cultures, such as Thailand, where no one ever gets any chance to develop a real identity because fitting in and not causing anyone any slight loss of face or emotional uncomfort means that no one ever disagrees. About anything. Ever.
When a girl flips from “I will love you forever always” to “I’m going to fuck you up, you cheating bastard”, she is showing a SEVERE identity stability problem.
Loving someone is an identity. It’s not just what we do, or how we feel, it is an entire construct of self.
Falling out of love is very different than swinging between BPD style idealization of the lover and then hate.
If you are not intimately familiar with every aspect of BPD characteristics, then you owe it to yourself to become educated, because such characteristics are in yourself, right now, and you will often treat people from this emotionally childish and underdeveloped way. All people do. Fully understanding the extremes not only helps us to deal with people with severe BPD, it helps us deal with everyone. Shrink4men is entertaining and informative and written in normal emotional human language, even though the author has a degree that could give her an excuse to talk like an alien from planet academia.
Here is my point:
NOT being BPD makes people love you MORE.
Being BPD ruins relationships, absolutely, always.
Being clingy is being BPD. Being needy, jealous, controlling; all BPD.
The more you give people space to be who they really are, and love them for THAT, the more you will receive love and devotion.
If you love someone only for doing what is expected of someone you love, it’s a house of cards, and you are deliberately BEING an earthquake.
It’s so, so, so simple to very quickly make someone love you.
Call her a dirty whore, and fuck her with love, AT THE SAME TIME.
Now she loves you.
Because you love HER.
Not her faithfulness. Not her fairy princess forever together dream land idealized identity.
You love THAT bitch. That one, right there in front of you. Now. Not later, after she’s trained and better.
It’s the exact same for girls.
Some girls have seen first hand how much love and devotion they can get from a man by loving HIM.
Want a faithful long term bonded man? Instead of keeping him from fucking other girls, bring one into your bed to share.
100% guaranteed he will love you many times more than he did previously, and you will be much more bonded.
I can be a very jealous man. It’s something that’s easy to have philosophies about, but jealousy isn’t concerned with philosophy.
However having a sound philosophy does inform and help to shape our emotions. Instead of jealousy being the entire content of our reality, it becomes one facet of it. A workable facet.
It’s very tempting to look at a girls phone, if she leaves it unguarded and accidentally unlocked, or if you’ve seen her swipe her password.
Either you will find no reason to feel insecure, or you will. Only those two things can happen.
If you DO find reasons to be insecure, you just made a very big mistake. You just altered your own identity. Nothing at all changed with her. The two of you were fine – doing great, probably. Good enough to keep seeing each other, at the very least. Now you may have gone and totally fucked that up.
Just leave it alone. You can’t handle the truth. I can’t handle the truth. She can’t handle the truth. Just leave it. It’s fine. Everything is fine.
The thing is, no matter if I or she is getting other needs met, in a different way, eggs are still eggs, and steak is still steak. I don’t have to be the best lover in the world to be a lover a woman is bonded to. I don’t have to be her best at any one particular thing. People form bonds, and those bonds can be secure even if someone eats out at a restaurant sometimes.
Those who’ve had very long term relationships have also seen their lovers fall in love with others.
That also doesn’t have to change identity stability. It’s great to have stability, over years – the same people in your life, watching them grow and change. Falling in and out of love, many times, breaking each other hearts, meeting again as if for the first time, getting a little bored, on and on. We can have a stable identity throughout all of it.
You can be the person who loves. You don’t have to swing into the person who hates, just because you looked at a phone. You don’t have to worry about what she’s doing tonight. It will have very little effect on what she’ll want to do with you tomorrow.
And not only will your own life go smoother – ignorance sometimes is a good idea – but you will avoid poisoning and wrecking an otherwise working relationship.
I know I find it difficult to love someone who looks at my phone. I’ve had the discussion countless times with girls, and they keep looking at it, and finding ways to look at it.
It can very quickly turn genuine love into genuine frustration – frustration big enough to just want to walk away. Jealousy is trying to hold a bar of soap by squeezing so tight it flies right out of your hands. It’s actually a type of very aggressive hate – “stop being who you are! Be my idealized version, NOW!” At minimum it’s a profound insecurity and doubt of who YOU are and that you ARE loved. Which is also very aggressive. Towards yourself.
You are loved, for real.
Your emotions will not be able to understand this. You won’t really be able to stop having strong emotions, and strong jealousy, at times. But you might be able to control your actions and philosophy, and therefore put jealousy into it’s small little proper place.