Having friends, the support of a rounded lifestyle, other women, and a steady supply of regular sex all helps us tremendously when facing the inevitable rough patches.
It does help to find and fuck other girls, after troubles with one. Or better yet to have more than one on tap at all times.
Still, I find something disingenuous and philosophically troubling about the idea that if we find and fuck other girls, that this is a cure for heartbreak.
First off, because it’s a lie.
Even if you are doing everything possible to not fixate on a girl you have formed healthy (or unhealthy) strong bonds with, grief is going to hang around for a while.
It’s not a sign that you’ve made a mistake, or that you are making a mistake.
I think it’s not a straightforward healthy relationship to life to see suffering as a mistake. It’s not.
Nor is it required of anyone to form bonds and ruminate over loss. I’m just saying that grief is a process that happens. It is what it is. It’s not a matter of judgement or repair.
Of course no one wants to feel bad, and feeling better asap is better. If anything at all is bad, it’s got to be suffering.
But my experience says that to love is to lose is to suffer. It’s like a law of gravity. You can’t repair gravity with an attitude or lifestyle. It just is.
I can’t yet put my finger on why I’m feeling there is some profound importance to the distinction that speeding up and taking the edge off of grief is great, but is NOT A CURE for grief.
Find and fuck other girls speeds up an INEVITABLE grieving process. It doesn’t cure grief.
You can’t cure grief.
Let’s look at it from the point of view of broken bonds. When parents lose one of their children, it’s common for strong grief to last many years, and even forever. No matter how many other children they have. No matter how rich their social and other lifestyle supports.
And so it is with girls; you might be dating three, but losing one of them can still be huge, for a time. Having others doesn’t fill some hole in our soul – the loss of a bond is unique and particular.
If that’s not your own experience, that’s cool. I’m not about telling anyone what to feel. I’m not omniscient, and I’m not everyone else.
The health industry is learning to tailor medicines to genotypes.
I predict that relationship advice will eventually discover that the human condition is as homogeneous as the human gene pool – we’ll need tailored advice to match our emotional genotypes.
My pet peeve is that red pill concepts that initially were based in reality have become traded around as icons and lost touch with reality. The territory has become a map. People now trade around ideas about ideas, instead of talking about their real lived personal relationship to life. That can lead to living a religious fantasy. It reminds me of a talk I witnessed at a Catholic University in Thailand where the subject was the nature of the holy Trinity. Once the professor had his premises, he could masturbate publicly about how his ideas related to each other, with no relationship whatsoever to the physical world. It disgusted me that he had an audience at all, and many in the audience found him laughable. Mind wank.
When mind wank claims to offer life solutions, it distracts from effective solutions at best, and is poisonous at worst.
As long as people ground their ideas in personal experience, then that’s scientific.
Once we start trading around dogmas, we start spinning off.
So when people claim to have found a cure for grief through the lifestyle of find-and-fuck-other-girls-then-you’ll-realize-that-it-was-all-just-in-your-head, I call bullshit.
I disagree that real bonds become less real by being multiple. And I posit that real bonds are inherently bound up with real loss and real grief, inevitably. There is no love without the real pain that comes from loss of love – no matter how much other love is also there with other girls or sources.
And I’m not laying down head trips or judgments; not everyone wants to, is in a position to, or even can form bonds strong enough to hurt for long. I’m not talking about what should be. I’m talking about what is.
Grief is. No matter what, if you form bonds that matter to you, and then lose them, for some length of time the grieving process will happen. There is no cure or off switch. There is a very big difference between speeding up and taking the edge of of the grieving process to declaring grief a pathology and sign of living life wrong. There is no vaccine to inoculate yourself against grief, and no pill to CURE it once you have it. It’s going to run it’s course – whether it’s a long or short course – it will run a course.
It’s normal, and I think everyone knows this. We don’t get special dispensation from that by being within a community of insider red-pill secrets.
Lately I’ve been listening to some of my favorite luminaries, including Stephen Pinker, and Robin Hanson. They echo some of my own ideas about the agendas that underly our own emotions. One idea put forth was that falling in love was an evolved guarantee to enhance our bargaining position to sweeten the offer of being in a relationship with our self. After all, we all want to secure the smartest, richest, most attractive mate we can get, and after we settle and something better comes along, it’s tempting to trade up. If we are in love, the evo-psych theory says, then we are bargaining from a stronger position, because we are showing that we can’t stop being in love, and so are less likely to trade up.
So It’s not necessarily particularly noble to bond. It just is something that happens, neither right nor wrong. I find it the best drug available. A peerless high. Combined with a lifestyle of serial and parallel monogamy, it can be a relatively sustainable high. For purely selfish reasons, love is fantastic.
But the game of love, I have found, will always be bitter sweet. You can’t just pick and choose the silver lining; you get the whole cloud. That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
That’s built into our hard wiring, by evolution.
I think that it’s important to face that fact head on, without avoiding it. It might seem a trivial distinction. In practice whether you look to cure your heartbreak, or simply speed up the grieving process looks exactly the same and has the same outcome, so what difference can it make to change the perspective?
Because if you think grief is a sign of doing it wrong, you are already doing it wrong. You have lost an honest relationship to yourself, and to your emotions. Grief sucks, ya, but it’s not totally useless. You can’t box that part of yourself into a garbage pile. That’s part of what needs to be embraced and given space. It’s the source of so much music and art, and melancholic beauty. It’s the human condition – and our human condition is what we share with each other.
Being able to embrace that helps to seduce our other and next girls. Really, it does. Being able to feel is being able to love is being able to bond is seductive.
Then we are in a better position to keep the drug alive; to remain in love with other and future girls.
As soon as you need to shut down and avoid heartbreak, you also immediately need to shut down and avoid falling in love.