I don’t know what the word forgive means, and I doubt that anyone else does either. I think it’s a mass hypnosis meme that boils down to “can’t we all please just get along”.
What could forgive mean, other than to deliberately entardate your brain in the effort to facilitate a lower status social bargain.
The past happened. You can’t renegotiate the past.
Past wrongs never get corrected by any internal alchemy. You can’t forgive them into a happy place.
Mistakes were made, and they remain mistakes. Forever. They are indelible.
Forgiveness could be spun in generous ways, but “forgive and forget” is just pleading with your own mind to erase uncomfortable memories so that you can again be deliberately ignorant. Just to get along. It’s asking to renegotiate your position from a fresh vantage, where you have nothing owing to you.
Cutting losses is another term that has little meaning to me. If a man loses a girl and wants her back, what meaning is there to talk about “letting her go” and “cutting your losses”, and “moving on”.
That’s all just after the fact rationalization for a process that we have actually very little control over.
I understand that we really wish and want to feel that we have emotional control. That we want and wish that there is some muscle we can contract that cuts losses, some scissor we can use to sever ties.
But only time heals wounds. We are far less active than all these philosophies want us to imagine.
Grin and bear it makes a lot more sense to me than “move on”.
People simply DON’T move on. They grieve. They feel. Then things change. It’s not about choices. It’s just stuff that happens inside our meat heads. Choice is not involved in loss. We lose, and we feel loss, until we don’t feel loss anymore.
A reasonable concept of forgiveness could be: what can you expect future outcomes to be now, considering the good and the bad and big picture. That’s actually nothing close to the idea of forgiveness – because forgiveness is a stupid idea that means nothing.
Dwelling on the negative is for stupid people who need stupid ideas such as “forgiveness”. Dwelling on kissy kissy make up is just as stupid. What can we realisticially forecast based on past actions. That’s all forgiveness could ever really mean. “His bad actions were likely either a one off, or not likely to happen too often to make dealing with him a net negative”.
That’s it. That’s all forgiveness can mean.
Otherwise “please forgive me” is simply a bargaining tactic to misprepresent the likelyhood of future patterns matching past patterns.
Which is also why when a person acts well out of character, and is not forgiven, this is also a giant tell of cognitive dissonance. Acting out of character is barely predictive of future performance, and so by the this definition of forgiveness easily merits quick and just forgiveness. Quick and just putting the actions into the real context of all past actions.
To put it simply: a grudge for a one off bad night against months or years of good relations is immature and childish and an offense against the very meaning of friendship.
And acceptance of continuing bad behavior and abuse is an offense against ones own ability to find and cultivate and nurture healthy caring long term relationships.