It was because you didn’t know how to feel loved unless I was paying attention to you. And you always felt resentful if I was not paying attention.
That is the reason that I lived with M but I could never live with you. It was like being in a jail having you around me. You did not know how to share happiness and love in silence just by being in the same room.
You often told me that you missed me even when I was right beside you.
It means you did not feel my love for you. You could not feel it in the room. Instead you felt resentful and always hungry hungry hungry for attention. It was oppressive and I just could not stand being near you so hungry so hungry so hungry and empty and so lonely even right beside me. I could not take it.
And the more that you were hungry fo my love the more I just could not even pay any attention to you at all. I just wanted you to go away. I could not take all that demand on me. I could never understand why you could not just calm down and be happy and share the same space and know that you are loved. But you can’t do that. I could not handle all that pressure on me. It’s not up to me to make you feel loved. If you can not feel that there’s nothing I can do.
It was so oppressive in my room and in my house. Having you around with bad feelings. You did not share a happy space and share happy love. You are always angry that I was not giving you enough love. It was like being in a jail and being tortured all the time.
To tell you the truth it is a big relief that you are going. I can finally relax. You did your best and you were a good girl and all our memories are very good. And I thank you for all our time. Probably it was good for you to go.
The more that you felt neglected the less I wanted to pay attention to you. I could not even walk to the bathroom without you grabbing me and trying to hug me. I could not even walk across my own room without you opening your arms on the bed asking me to hug you.
I could never understand why you could never calm down. When I was living with M whenever I did Chi Kung it felt like we were both sharing the same space and sharing the same love. My Chi Kung got stronger because she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me and we did not have to say one word about it. We were sharing the love in the room. The love was already in the room and I did not have to say a word about it.
But with you whenever I do that it feels like you are watching me and feeling resentful that I am neglecting you.
You are always resentful that I am not looking you straight in the eyes and saying nice things to you and paying full attention right at you.
It is so demanding and so exhausting that I just can’t take it and I just can’t handle it. And I am so so so relieved that you are gone. I just could not take it anymore. I’m finally getting to be happy because nobody is putting so much pressure on me.