Decades ago I took my imported Javanese girlfriend and two other people on a road trip to Padre Island to sell my Jewelry on spring break.

I hung out there for a few days before splitting up the team and heading off to Florida with my girl to also try selling our stuff on the beaches and at a Harley Davidson raley.

Sales were dismal in both locations and that had a profound effect on my business.  My girlfriend kept playing Eric Clapton’s “Nobody loves you when you are down and out” song over and over on the car stereo, and started to treat me like shit.

I learned a valuable lesson that month.  Don’t show weakness.

I’m rewatching the HBO drama series Boss.  I’ve recommended it before.  In the first episode the Boss, the Mayor of Chicago, is asked by a top aid if he is feeling ok.

“How long have you been working for me?”

“Eight years, sir.”

“Eight years.  Don’t ever ask me that question again.”

He was not feeling ok.  He’d been diagnosed with Lewi Bodies, a type of progressive dementia.  As a seasoned career polititian at the top of his game he knew enough to not show weakness.

I’ve recently had to relearn this lesson.

A few months ago I had troubles with one of my girls.  She’d been causing tons of drama and that’s just the start of it.  I stopped fucking her or giving her money for a while as punishment, but then needed her help to replace an ATM card.  She came over and I got drunk and ripped into her about how bad her behaviour was, and I woke up the next morning to her gone, along with the ATM and 2 grand of my money.  That hit me hard during a time that I was having a temporary cash flow crunch.

Later I went to Bali and had three laptops stolen.  I’d neglected to backup my files and lost some info worth another 4 grand or so.  The laptops must have cost me at least 2 grand.

That loss was also depressing.

When you have a girl, or a crew, the tendency and first instinct is to share the stress.  To commisserate.

Gong.  Buzz.  Fail.  Wrong choice.

A leader has to suck it up and shut his pie hole.  Everything is fine, until it is better than fine.  That’s his job.  To maintain confidence.

I like to watch movies and documentaries and histories and biographies with an eye on learning lessons.  Some people don’t think it’s possible to learn lessons from fictional dramas, but I disagree.  Writers of fiction need to distill the essense of the human condition, and this distillation can be more valuable than raw data.  We get people’s take on how we relate.  Boss is full of real life valuable info, even it is entirely fictional.

In the biographies I watch I always see personal development.  Leaders or writers or artists are not born great.  It takes time and effort and dilligence.  And they are always flawed characters.  Always.  People tend to specialize in what they are good at, and nobody is great at everything.

I stumbled upon being some sort of leader through learning dominance with girls, and through developing my business to include staff.  Through trial and failure I’ve had to learn from my mistakes.  Now it’s come to pass that I have to take this issue seriously.  I need to study how to lead, and get good at it.

The girl that I’ve been fucking regularly the longest met me last night.  We’ve been seeing each other for six years, 2.5 of that living together.  All her family keeps trying to hook her up with new guys.  The admonish her harshly to never see me again.  After all I refuse to marry her and I won’t stop seeing my other girlfriends!  And she was working at a job where she got hit on 50 times a day by locals and tourists, but she came back from her home town the day I did to meet me back in Java.  She’s still in love with me and can’t leave me.  She can’t.

And yet our sex life lately is horribly hit or miss.  It used to be spectacular.  So last night I told her that I couldn’t fuck her anymore – she just wasn’t wet enough, and it was too often.  She had to admit that our sex was nothing like it used to be.  I told her that it was my fault.  She’s different than other girls – her pussy only gets activated after her heart is, and it’s always horribly heartbreaking for her that I see other girls.  So she can’t really give her heart to me fully.

And yet she can’t give her heart to anyone else.  She’s still, after all these years, totally stuck on me.

This morning she climbed on top of me, and then I flipped her on her back.  Somethings wrong with her vaginal lining and sex lately seems to always be painful for her.  Is it an infection?  Is she just not wet enough?  I don’t know.  But damn it I need to fuck her HARD.  Even if it hurts her.  At one point I grabbed her by the hair, pulled, and demanded “say I love you Daddy”.  She barely complied.  “Say it again!”  Again and again I demanded it and as she said it she came and came.  It’s kind of a conditioned response by now, as whenever she comes the word Daddy gets mentioned in one way or another.

So I told her again the same as I told her last night.  Chose chicken or fish from the menu.  Either love me 100 percent, give your full body mind and soul to me, or just don’t love me at all.  None of this wishy washy fifty percent bullshit.  If you want me at all then I will love you in my way.  That means I will tell you do this, do this, do this, and you must do exactly what I say.  I will fuck you whenever I want.  You will belong to me and do what I say.

She agreed.

It’s the only way she can be happy.

She needs a dominant leader, and I’m not doing my job with her unless I give her that.  She can’t enjoy sex unless she’s properly owned.  Nobody else seems to be able to own her in the way she needs, so it’s on me.

The story with her is related to not showing weakness.  It’s related to how a person learns his trade, slowly, over years.

Sometimes I see an actor in his earlier movies and can see how he used to hardly be able to act.  The same people later in their careers can be incredibly good.

Leadership is just one more thing to learn.  Like charisma.  It takes time, and you have to focus on the craft of it.

What I had to learn again these last few months is this:

Never show your weakness.  Don’t confide in any friends or any lovers.  Don’t share the stress.