This is a diary post.  When a guy posts stuff that puts in him a bad light, one of two social status movements can happen:

  1. He becomes more approachable.  People see their own life in his words, feel less alone, and he is lauded for the honesty.  Everyone has down moments, after all, and these down moments can act to increase group solidarity.
  2. The weak points are used as ammunition against him to lower his social position.

Long time readers will know that I’ve been living in SEA for a dozen or fifteen years.  Before I first came out here, I was still in love with a woman in the US who was 11 years my senior.  I loved her but was freaked out in every nerve ending at her grandma voice and increasing wrinkles and her insistance that a real man took care of a real woman financially.  Ya, I thought, a real man might, if the real woman was young and hot.  If she’s older he gets to be the pool boy.  WTF was that cougar thinking?!

Still, I was deeply attached to her, and admired her.  We had a rare sympatico, on many levels, unequalled to this day.

I couldn’t get over the age differences.  43 to my 32.  She couldn’t get over my lack of provisioning potential.  I lived in her house rent free.  I was so into her that I invited her to spend Christmas with my family in Canada, and yet every moment that I looked at her face I felt wrong.

We went skiing one day.  I kept looking at this woman I was deeply bonded to and attached with, then looking over at the young ski bunnies.  Back and forth.  The contrast was shocking.

And my woman was a fit yoga instructor, with the body of a 20 year old.  Not any hint of sagging anywhere from the neck down.  Great personality.  Good enough and enthusiastic sex.

I was in such emotional turmoil that I was conscious of it most of the day.  At night before bed I’d ask three times for my dreams to show me guidance.  What should I do?

Every night I dreamed of having sex with multiple young girls in their peak years of attractiveness – from seventeen to 23.   In the dreams they’d find out about each other, and get jealous and pissed, but that only caused drama and never ended things.

One year later I was living in Bali, dating a 30 year old.  I thought that was quite a step up.

Two years later and I was dating two or more girls in Thailand, and invited the Bali girl to come out, with the plan of setting up a threesome.  The threesome never happened, but it was a fun reunion.

In Thailand I averaged a new girl every 6 weeks, with the average age about 22.  The youngest was a 19 year old virgin, and the oldest may had been 26 or so.  I stayed for two years.  I usually had two long term serious girlfriends, but sometimes three and a fuck buddy.  There was always time for finding new girls, as I was semi-retired.  For six weeks I dated and fell in mutual love with a well educated Persian woman who would get triple takes each time she walked down the street.  If you don’t believe in perfect 10s, you do believe in Miss World contestants.  She could have won.  Her face was seared like a branding iron into my brain.  She would orgasm while giving head, and was a screamer with great stamina. I’ve never been more alive, and never more into any girl.  Impossible to explain what an impression she made on me.  We wrote to each other almost daily for two years after.

Then I spent a year living with a hypersexual hyper neotinous micro mini girl in the Philippines.  Tried several times to arrange threesomes, but never quite got there.  She had BPD, and all the advantages and disadvantages that come with that.  The best and worst you can imagine.  It was starting to take too heavy a toll, so I moved back to Indonesia.

In Indonesia it took me a while to hit my stride again.  I was a changed man since the first time I lived here long term; more experience with women.  But I still had much to learn, and got tooled at least as much as I tooled girls.  Dated girls, lived with a girl while dating other girls, had that girl cheat on me, then invite me up to live with her Manado where she was dating the new guy, moved in with her for a week while she still dated the other guy, then quickly met some new girl who moved in on the first date.  We lived together for 2.5 years, and she’s still a big part of my life today.  While still seeing her, I moved to a new city and met my lifetime favorite girl.  We lived together for 11 months, which were without question the happiest days of my life.  Then she died, and it was 6 months of night and day excruciating pain.  I invited the Manado girl to come take care of me.  She flew out the next day, but overstayed her welcome and cock blocked.  As soon as I got her out of my apartment I was setting up multiple dates again.

After the third or fourth sex date, I met virgin M21 (21 stands for her age).  Quickly fell in mutual love, but was not satisfied with her virgin sexuality, so met a new girl and moved her in.  M kept dating me anyway.  It took over a year for M and I to find some decent sexual chemistry.  She moved in with me six months into our dating, when my live in went psycho from jealousy from me still seeing M.  We lived together for 2.5 years, and the chemistry kept slowly improving.  Two years later when I started seeing a new girl, N17, the chemistry shot through the roof, as both girls were fighting pussy wars to keep me.  The two girls kept me very busy, and this was again one of the happiest times in my life.

It took about six months of that for M to not be able to stand it.  She started secretly dating other guys.  She’s quite attractive, and so can attract model handsome very wealthy men, which she did.  One of her suitors would give her lavish gifts.  Another would promise marriage.  Another became a long term lover who visited her regularly.

All this time she was still living with me.  I suspected shenanigans, but didn’t press the issue.  One night she was out on a date, and refused to come home when I called.  For that I kicked her out of the house.

This caused her to go ballistic.  She thought it was fair for me to support her while she dated around.  Pair bonds are complicated things, and those who have been married and had affairs, or dated married women, know that just because you are into your new lover doesn’t mean you stop being bonded to your partner.  People get very strong attachments.  She was still very attached to me.  And I to her.

After kicking her out, she set up in an apartment a short walk away from me.  She kept seeing her other suitors, and we kept fucking.  It was heartbreaking for me, at times.  She had been near suicidal heartbroken about me, for many months.

It’s five years since I first started Dating M.  We still see each other, even though she is in contact with my two other regular girls, and sometimes learns of others that I date.

There is nothing embarrassing in any of that.  That’s just normal stuff, many guys will be familiar with.  What’s embarrassing is that over the last year or so our sex life has decreased in passion.

We’d had a long run of intense passion.  For the years we lived together every session was a rocket ship ride to a new fantastic space.  She’d orgasm again and again, and the love was intense.  We were deeply pair bonded, and intensely passionate about each other.  Sex five times a day was the norm.  We stayed in love for more than the customary 6 months, more than just 1 year, and more than the stated maximum of two years.  It was fresh and powerful for years.

I left Java last week to take care of some business in Bali.  I took no girls with me, as I wanted to see V, my private former virgin who was once intensely infatuated with me.  We quickly rekindled our heart and sex affair.  But then she flew off to travel around Australia and New Zealand with her girlfriend.  That left me with no girls here.

I don’t know what percentage of men can’t focus or function after a few days of no sex.  If that’s not you, stifle your innate desire to judge.  That is me. I know me.  After a few days of no sex I start to feel physically uncomfortable.  Then I can’t focus on anything else except finding new girls.

So instead of working I’ve spend much of my time hunting.  Had a few dates, and have a few good leads, but no new sex yet.

Of my three girls in Java, two can’t come out to visit.  One because she was causing drama, phoning up other girls so I nexted her (permanently or not I’m not sure), and the other because she insists on showing up for her job.  So that left M.  As our passion had declined, I waited until I just thought I could not function any more before inviting her.

It was a mistake.

We still have hit and miss sex, but the misses are too common, and they add up and have an emotional toll.  A man wants to feel wanted.  When I was in Java, a poor performance by M wasn’t that big a deal.  A few minutes later and I could be with a girl with more stamina.  But here it’s worse than no sex.  Her presence doesn’t satiate, and only cock blocks.

I’m going to send her home tomorrow.  I have a date with a super hot 17 year old the moment she leaves.

Oh, I since I’m being totally unfiltered with personal information, I may as well say that part of the reason the sex isn’t great is because M seems to have some painful vaginal irritation.  Likely an imbalance of her vaginal flora.  I’ve tried to treat her for that in the past, but she has a hyperactive gag reflex and refuses all pills, even if they are powdered and mixed with sweet drinks.  The suppositories I gave her were used once or twice then ignored.

I’ve given her new suppositories, but it would take days for the irritation to subside.  I have no mood to wait around for a woman whose passion is the color beige to maybe be able to enjoy sex some time.  That’s just cock blocking; I’d much rather be climbing the walls out of my mind sexually frustrated than hanging around tepid sex. I respect myself too much to settle for sex that is a slap in the face insult to who and what I am as a man.

It’s stuff like her stubborn refusal of medicine that removes my romantic feelings for her, and makes me think of her only as a sex toy, and it’s the lack of romance that lowers her sex drive.  She’s the type of girl for whom romance is a major portion of feeling sexy.  She’s not fuck buddy material; she’s built for romance.

Bad sex is embarrassing.  And annoying.