In recent comments at Rollo’s blog, some married men took offence at my declaration that deep down all men want some sexual variety, and that the only reason that married men don’t pursue young strange is because of not knowing how to.
I’ll admit right now I could be wrong about this presumption. But I’m going to explain why I have it.
I think sour grapes is a gigantic drive in how the brain works. Why have unrealistic expectations? That can only lead to pain. Want is a painful emotion, and there is much life satisfaction to be gained by accepting things as they are. And yet realistic ambitions are what lead to positive improvements. So our brain is wired to strike a balance between ambition and denying the value of ambitions we can not realistically reach.
Sour grapes is wired right into how we think. We do not allow ourselves to value valuable things, if we think we can’t get those things. “I didn’t want those those unreachable grapes, they were probably sour anyway”, is not just something stupid people say. It’s the human condition.
But the thing is, women work in collusion to hypnotize men into believing that their realistic options are much smaller than they really are. They work extremely hard to make men think that they will break up with them if they are not monogamous. That young women will not date them if they are old.
And men internalize these female cultural messages as if they were their own thoughts. They internalize that it is abnormal for older men to go after younger girls, and that younger girls would not be physically attracted anyway, and that there would be a high price to pay in their own marriage if they tried. They arrange the story such that they didn’t want those grapes anyway.
Some married men have so internalized their own cage, that even imagining being in a non-fenced relationship conjures up all sorts of crazy fantasies about how fucked up and horrible that would be.
On the blog comments I heard from older married men that in order to remain interested in dating several young women, an older man would need to be:
1) hormonally imbalanced
2) experiencing an identity crisis
3) have fucked up life priorities
4) have impractical hopes and expectations
5) obsessed and addicted
6) be into that for the purpose of bragging
You don’t hear most men say the rational and realistic thing: “Yes, that would actually be pretty cool to have flings with young women who turn me on and are into me, but I choose not to after weighing up the balances of pros and cons. That would come at too high a cost to me personally, even though I could see it would be enjoyable.”
Instead you see people who have internalized their own cage fighting to protect that cage.
Now it may actually be the case that some men truly have no desire to have sex with young attractive women.
I personally don’t believe it’s true. I’ve heard many men claim this is true for them, and I deny that they are accurately self reporting their own emotions. I could be wrong, but I’ve explained my reasons for this belief.
I’m also going to amend my original claim. The reason married men don’t persue young women is because they don’t know how to without too much damage to the rest of their life. So there are two separate and overlapping reasons; 1) they may see young women as out of reach, and 2) they don’t have the multiple long term relationship skills to be able to manage more than one relationship, especially with their current wife. It can be one, the other, or both.