A girl I’m dating is a teenager with a rough past. Her head is as undersized as her body. It’s common for people with troubled childhoods to have personality development problems. Developmental impairment is similar to being permanently childish, except that not all aspects of the brain don’t develop, and so you can get deep cunning mixed with a childs sense of boundaries and morality. Cluster B.
I’ve dated a lot of Cluster B’s. For many years I would get deeply intimate with them, and work hard to communicate on a deep level and effect some sort of positive long term psychological change.
The more functional Borderlines will be able to hold engaging discussions and convince you of their desire to change. But they can’t and won’t; all the discussions are a total waste of time. An annoying waste. It’s worse than taking your time and flushing it down the toilet, you are exchanging good times for shit.
The less functional cluster Bs are too narcissistic to be able to let any glimpse into awareness that they ever did or could do anything wrong. Their brains are wired to actively patrol for any thought with any negative self image connotation, and aggressively disallow the thought. They use techniques such as dissimulation and projection, and when those fail resort to narcissistic rage.
Cluter B’s are also called “high conflict personalities”. They require occasional conflict in order to feel inner peace. It is through conflict that they unbalance those around them, and only when those around them are psychologically weaker can they feel any sense of power. They need that power to feel at ease. And so paradoxically, in order to feel at ease, they use tactics of hysteria and deliberately pushing other peoples buttons and annoying them. They try to provoke rage out of others.
It can be a catch 22, because you can’t be a doormat. You have to fight back from being abused. You have to hurt them more than they hurt you to make them stop. But as cluster Bs have a high tolerance for drama, either you out drama them, or you abandon them. Abandoning is far more threatening to them than drama. Drama tells them that you care. Drama means they have power over your emotions. Abandoning means… death.
A month or so ago my little fluff was causing drama, so I kicked her out and didn’t answer any text messages for several days. When I did resume contact, it was through a third party who told her that I would not talk to her until she apologized. As she is a narcissist that was constitutionally impossible for her. It’s not possible for neuro-normals to empathize with how that works, and since we can’t wrap our minds around it we tend to dismiss the possibility of people being that unredeemable. But it literally was not possible. She was not just being stubborn. She was constitutionally incapable of giving a genuine heartfelt apology. Narcissists are not capable of either remorse nor negative introspection.
I knew this, but saw it as a power play. I was not trying to correct her psychology so that she would grow up and act like an adult and so not want to give drama, I was trying to have hand over her so that she would not give drama. I treated all attempts at dissimulation and projection with no response. I did not accept her
apology forced concession to my rules until she worded it stating precisely what she was apologizing for. “I’m sorry for whatever made you angry” doesn’t count.
A few days later I happened across the blackdragon blog, on a recommendation from another blog I read. It was a good recommendation; it’s a very good blog. In one article he linked to his glossary , in which he has this entry:
Soft Next – When a man removes a woman from his life for a short period of time, usually three to seven days, during which he completely ignores all communication from her, because of drama she gave him. At the end of the soft next, the relationship resumes as normal. Soft nexting is one of the most effective tools in a man’s relationship arsenal. Soft nexting is impossible to use on a woman you live with. Women can also soft next men, but it’s executed very differently.
So what I did with The Fluff was a thing.
It worked, and I got a month of drama free affection. Until yesterday morning, when she woke up after only a few hours of sleep. She can be a bit weird, and prone to demanding attention through look-at-me antics, hysterical laughing fits or teasing by being contrary when she lacks sleep. I’d been very ill the last few days, and sleeping a lot, so she was also starving for attention.
When any girl is starving for attention long enough they will act out to receive negative attention. It’s better than nothing. But Fluff was as over the top deliberately annoying as she could possibly be; she would not stop until I was infuriated. Pushing every and any possible button, as blatantly as possible, worse than any terrible two’s toddler throwing spagetti on the wall to get a reaction. She just went on and on.
So I yelled at her once, told her to go home, and took my laptop to the adjoining atrium. As she was in her “I won’t do anything you tell me to do no matter what it is” phase, she didn’t immediately leave. So I had my live in assistant remind her to go now.
There is no negotiating with terrorists. Cluster Bs will win all negotiatons, simply by drawing you into them in the first place. The best option is to disengage. And to disengage you have to personally start from a place where YOU are not very engaged.
Which removes the foundation of mutually caring relationships; intimacy. People can and do get very intimate with cluster B’s, but doing so is always a cluster fuck.
The three girls remaining in my life now are all a bit developmentally impaired. In Bali I also had my V, who I really liked, but she left me because she found out twice that I would not stop fucking other girls. She knew that no matter how strong her attachment to me that the heartbreak was unhealthy for her.
So even while I now have the skills and emotional detachment to manage girls of poor psych development, it comes at a personal cost. It’s like eating junk food every day.
The junk food was fine and great when I had the nourishment of V, had other girls on the hook, and was active in hunting. But lately I’m just focused on work, internet dating does not work in my location for me, and daygame leads to one weak IOI every three trips from girls below my threshold. Combined with having no buddies around, this has led to a build up of angst.
And that’s a good thing; a really important sign. Thank goodness I don’t feel good!
Some quick fixes to angst are drugs and entertainment. Meditations can help to rebalance. But the root causes can only be fixed by life crafting, and for that a guy has to get creative. Sometimes the solutions are only long term, and he has to plug and slog away, day by day, towards a distant reward.
Luckily I’ve created my own luck and have built up some stored kinetic energy. I have momentum in the form of my businesses and knowledge and connections, and can redirect that momentum for life crafting.
I’m going on a trip soon, and will have several dates lined up.
Upon returning my Bali bungalows will be ready to live in. I’ll have fresh scenery and slightly better dating options.
Shortly after several interns will come out. Good guys on my level who I like.
In the medium term one of my businesses will start to act as a pipeline.
There are solutions to small problems, such as how to manage a cluster B girl. But sometimes there is no small solution to a big problem. Life-crafting often requires very big solutions.
And big solutions require momentum.
Another reason I suggest wealth to be built into a man’s lifestyle. Money gives important options.
Money is a circle in the Venn diagram, that while overlapping other circles, is a distinct category with distinct powers.
Money is long term game that must be woven into lifestyle. When the other guy is up against the wall with no options, the guy with money has bribes, helicopters, lawyers guns and money. He isn’t a pawn on a chessboard, he has greater mobility plus the command of other pieces.
No amount of charisma, daygame, nightgame, social circle skill, meditative insight, or personal development, can substitute for money.
And by money I don’t mean being chained to a career and mortgage in return for numbers sequestered in savings and retirement accounts. I mean real power and real options born from having your own stake in your own businesses.