There was a time in my life where I was being persecuted. The background level of anxiety was slowly cooking me; I couldn’t radiate away the tension as fast as it came in. At the time every single morning I would wake up with a burning undirectable generalized anger. Every single morning, during the morning’s twilight sleep where I’m not awake enough to want to get up but not asleep enough to believe in the reality of a vivid hallucination, I would visualize shooting arrows into the sky.
The generalized anger is back, and so is the anxiety. Only now I wake up daydreaming about drastic eugenics and eugenically minded population control measures.
It’s an indulgence that I sometimes regret, but at the time it’s too difficult to change the channel and try to do tonglen; breathing into my heart chakra and finely feeling negative emotions and breathing out peace, ease, and contentment. I just go with the flow and try to fix my internal suffering by in my imagination controlling all that is wrong with the world.
This morning I had fantasies about creating a volcano sized satellite launcher that could launch many powerful and dangerous satellites per minute so that I could have ultimate power to coerce.
I’ve been having recurring nightmares of being back in my old business. I used to be a travelling salesman, and would need to carefully schedule and prepay for road trips around the US to vend jewelry and clothing at music festivals and special events. For years the business went well but in the end earnings could be dangerously low, such that it could be difficult to restock with fresh inventory or prepay for the best upcoming events. In my dreams I’ve neglected to schedule and pay for or can’t afford to or can’t find good venues. Or I just came back from a tour and sales were desperate, putting future touring at risk. Yesterday morning on top of that my motorcycle was stolen, and I came back to see that my Buddhist community had disbanded. I saw an empty carnival tent with a dirt floor, and when I asked two remanining Buddhist community members where everybody relocated to, they answered that everyone would be back later that night. It was April first, and they thought it a funny April fools joke to tool me about where everybody went, and didn’t care enough about me to let me into the inside of the inside joke. In the dream I was in debt and lost my business and transportation and friends and was surrounded by literal desolation.
The night before I’d been with a long time lover, and had been drinking. Dates with her don’t go well when I drink, because alcohol is like a truth serum to me, and she has some strong narcissistic traits. If you are familiar with the cluster b personality disorders, you’ll know it means that she her brain neurons are not capable of firing in a pattern which leads to thoughts that put her at any blame. This leads to tremendous communication frustration, because she can never admit to any wrongdoing, and so you can never communicate why you are unhappy with her. Only this time I wasn’t frustrated. I know her, and I know what to expect. I’m not crazy enough to expect her to change. BPD people are literally crazy making, and can be not only frustrating, but dangerous. Shrink4men is a good resource to learn more about cluster B people, and chances are that you have some in your life too.
Life is a lot easier and better if the people in our life are mentally mature. The personality disorders can be seen of as developmental delays, and most professional psychologists and chiatrists consider them either completely intractable to treatment or barely treatable. You can treat BPD about as much as you can treat mental retardation, and it amounts to about the same thing; parts of the brain will never work properly.
But we can love dogs and pets. And so people with mental deficits should be able to be at least as loveable and useful as pets. It’s very common for girls with Borderline Personality Disorder to be idiot savants; idiots and developmentally underderdeveloped emotionally, yet master manipulators and sexual savants. They are often sexy as fuck.
And yet the consensus is that despite their gifts and physical charms they are to be avoided.
The cluster b disorders are a spectrum, and you could say that most people are at least a bit sometimes BPD. Some are a lot BPD most of the time. My girl is a bit cluster B sometimes, especially under stress. Cluster B is always a problem; in fact one term for it is “disordered personalities”, and another is “high conflict personalities”. The thoughts are just jumbled up and don’t make sense, and nothing you or anyone else can do will unjumble and order them. The conflict is built right into the person, and can’t be avoided without avoiding the person, and even then that can just escalate the conflict.
Some people theorize that you have to be fucked up yourself to magnetize cluster Bs into your life. I’d rather be more generous about it and see it as a pragmatic trade off. I let in some fucked up personalities into my life because I can’t yet attract girls who are the combination of 1) young and sexy 2) smart and 3) mentally stable. I can get one or two out of three, but all three is hard for me, and so I compromise to get at least one girl at all times who arouses strong physical lust.
I’m working the best I can to change that. I think it’s really important.
And it’s important to be emotionally healthy not just so that I can magnetize debutant quality young models. Not just so that I can maximize some self improvement project. I don’t want to externalize onto an outside world all my own demons. Do I really need to kill and control much of humanity to be content in the world? Or do I have some things I could do inside myself first that are important to address, before I become a Bond villain.
Instead of indulging in my anxiety driven fantasies, lately I’ve been meditating on the root of them, and having insights during twilight sleep. Some of my problems are:
- A feeling of being disconnected. I crave companionship with people that I understand and who can understand me. High level comraderie. Not just stupid people talking at and past each other, but real connection.
- I’m not in love and crave that communion that comes from mutual love. I find that to be a source of belonging and ease and peace.
- Financial stress is frog boiling me. There are no outward signs of lack of money, but the financial stress Geiger counter is clicking away in the background.
- I’m disconnected from my own emotions. I let anxiety and social isolation rip me apart, instead of feeling into and connecting up with myself. One way the disconnection shows up is in being arrogant and projecting out onto other people faults that are also in myself.
I’ve been feeling much better since these insights started to form. I’m trying to make it a habit to do body centered meditations that make me feel into my heart more, and setting those chi-kung energetic habits up consciously in the day bleeds over into the night and the morning, and I’m less of an anxiety automaton.