D.T. writes:

Mighty xsplat,
You are my role model for an integrated male.
While I hope to follow in your footsteps, it seems we’re not even on the same continent, figuratively.

So I want to know the best place to start my journey.
I am hoping for a list of resources. Even though I suspect the kind of personal development you attained is not the product of reading books.
Thank you for your inspiration,


Hi D,

In the past I might have listed off books that were the most influential and interesting to me, but I’m no longer confident that there can be any cookie cutter approach to personal development.

Meditation and Buddhist mind training and body centered awareness practices such as chi-kung have been very important to me, especially in my teens through thirties. Shamata Vipassana meditation no longer seems so crucial, however it is still life enhancing. Chi-kung remains life enhancing, although I go through spurts of regular practice. Eastern philosophy had been a big interest, however now no longer is and I can’t even remember why it was so important at the time.

Relationships were always important to me, and I had no access to any red pill thought until my late thirties, at which time I was well placed in Thailand to be able to discover more about masculine/feminine interactions just by dating. Girls don’t try to be men in SEA, and so some of the underlying polarities are easier to notice and more masculinity and leadership is rewarded instead of insulted. So that began a new phase and focus of development for me; sexual loving relationships from a position of dominance.

Business has been an ongoing interest since I was a young boy, and I’ve been a self supported entrepreneur since my early twenties. I’m still developing my entrepreneurial and managerial skills.

Music is a new interest, and despite my lack of talent, is another avenue of personal development that is now important to me. That started mostly in my mid to late forties. Although I wish I’d started earlier to catch a child’s developmental window of neuronal re-organization, it is not too late to learn slowly.

I never went to college, and spent most of my time hanging out with girls throughout my adult life. Only in the last few years have I had male friends around, so I’m getting a late start on developing social skills among men. Again, it’s not too late to learn slowly.

There are many lines of personal development available to us, and it’s common to delve deeply into one or a few of them throughout different periods of life. I’ve known a few men deeply focused on developing their mathematical ability.

I’ve had an interest in writing ever since I noticed a talent for it at age nine. One of the most pleasurable experiences I’ve had was taking a continuing education poetry writing class for adults. We would do assignments in class, then at home, then in the next class read our assignments and follow up with critiquing each others work. I don’t know how to explain how fulfilling and interesting that was. My style keeps changing and some of my best writing seems behind me, but I’m still learning and developing.

Sexual chi-kung has been a strong interest for decades. I’ve had far more sex than most people, if you measure it in hours. I would suspect that I’ve had more hours of sex than have the top 10 manosphere PUA artists combined. I had a year with one girl where we had a minimum of four hours of sex (sex measured only when pumping – not just hanging out on the bed) per day, and we’d spend all day Saturday and Sunday fucking, only stopping to eat, shit, and sleep. My doctor at the time told me that I had the heart rate of a professional athlete, and couldn’t believe that my only aerobic activity was a lot of sex.  I did that with a few other girls too; screamingly intense sex for as long and often as physically possible. Even this year I’d sometimes see all three girls in a day, and sometimes more than once a day. And I would wager all of my income streams and every last cent that I’ve had far better quality sex than any published PUA. But the quality is no longer at it’s peak. Crohn’s disease and age have lowered my stamina, and it takes a few hours of Chi-kung and formless meditation per day to be sublimely energetically aware and powerful. I go through phases of going more deeply into that, and sometimes just have sex that is closer to that of a mere mortal.

The lines of development that have interested me have usually not interested my peers. When I was deeply into meditating, and was described by some senior visiting Tibetan lineage holders as having a strong meditative awareness and good potential for Enlightenment, nearly no one else in the Buddhist community had any awareness of or interest in the Kundalini that was raging up my spine, on command, or of energetic practices such as Chi-Kung. And outside that community no one shared my interest and concern with Mahayana practices and philosophies of directly perceiving the nature of reality as empty of narrative, and the nature of mind as composed of compassion. Mahayana Emptiness and Love and mind training were THE most important thing in the world to me, but meant nothing to most every other person I’d interact with. Even among other Buddhists I was considered hard core, and few understood me, other than some top teachers.

But now I’m not the least interested in “regarding all dharmas as dreams”, and no longer do magic tricks with my mind where the field of vision becomes non-dual self aware mind stuff. That took intense focus and training and effort, and I could never stabilize the experience for longer than minutes, hours, or once for a few months. I’m no longer interested in 24 hour awareness and having a large percentage of dreams be lucid. It’s a life improvement, certainly; quality of life goes way up, and so does the number of cycles per second. It’s like time slows down and you see more of everything at once and so life gets unspeakably richer; you get more of life in each moment. So much more that getting back to that place seems like waking up from being a half aware half asleep zombie. But that no longer matters that much to me.

Right now I want to focus on business. I’m getting old, and do need money now for current and future life extending technologies. I’ve had lots of great sex. I’ve drank tanker loads full of vodka. I’ve danced with many hotties who were in love with me. I’ve had peak meditative experiences that match up with some of the most profound Buddhist texts ever passed down from teacher to student. That gives me some sense of peace; I’ve done what was important to me and I’ve lived a good life. But it’s not over. There is so much more potential, not just for the world as I know it, but in the cyborg and biologically enhanced world we are creating. If I want to get over the hump into the future where staying alive is an option, I need to focus now on business. I need to be carefully positioned to have options and influence and resources and power.

There may be time again to go deeply into meditative awareness. Or maybe I’ll go deeply into music next time instead. Right now I want to develop business.

And of course I want to leverage my businesses to help to meet and seduce a few debutante quality girls to become pregnant and devoted to me.

So that’s an outline of how I think of personal development. I may have missed a few lines of development, but wrote of the ones that have meant the most to me. Sex, relationships with women, writing, business, meditation and chi-kung, then music and relationship with men and managing staff.

But my interests and developments can not be prescriptive. I used to want other people to be as interested in meditation as I was, and could never understand how people could be so blind and lazy and ignorant to not be. The same for philosophy. The same for sexual chi kung. Sometimes people have asked me for tips and pointers about chi-kung and meditation, but so far only Cody followed through with a continued life changing chi-kung awakening. Other people reacted with something more like “oh, that’s so cool and amazing, I should do that too!”

I don’t know why people have the interests that they do. Maybe meditative interests are also partly innate and people either have a meditative experience module that can be developed, or they don’t. I know that in my large meditation community, maybe only 2% of people had any direct experience of what Buddhists term “prajna”. No matter how many hours, months, or years of dedicated effort of sitting on the cushion.

My dad is a gifted amateur musician, and he put a piano in our house before I was born. I would play around on it and improvise along one rudimentary chord change. I couldn’t do much, but I had a small amount of pride in my growing dexterity. Then one day I wandered into the high school music room after class hours to see my buddy on the keyboard. He didn’t perform any jazz hands or snazzy finger dances. Instead he emoted directly out of the piano. With just simple hand placements, he was music. He didn’t do what I did, which was to try to push buttons in a fancy order, instead he seemed to feel a rich tapestry of musical emotion, and gently and simply let it out.

I was awed, and knew then that my musical talent could never be anywhere near his level.

Twenty years later I’d buy an electric keyboard, and I again noodled around on it. At a Christmas re-union I drunkedly showed off a little ditty I had composed. My mom said “what else can you play?” and I said, “that’s about it”. Even though I noodled regularly, I didn’t progress much. My cousin on the other hand was a concert level virtuoso. I had no idea what he was doing with his chord changes, but my father kept saying “I see what you did there”.

Later in the evening my cousins and my dad would talk mathematics, and it was all completely over my head.

My mathematical talent is above average. I’m guessing my musical talent is somewhere near average. But some people seem to have brain modules that are at a different level entirely, for certain areas that we can develop, and my cousins and father can speak in the languages of music and math about worlds that I can not even glimpse.

Years later in Indonesia I bought another keyboard, and strangely enough I progressed better than I had as a younger man. Then I bought a Yamaha Clavinova CVP 605, and progressed more still. It surprises me why I am able to progress now, when I could not as a boy or in my early thirties. Is it the neurogenesis boost from the Rolipram that I now take? Or has a neuroplastic developmental window opened up in older age? The learning is always going to be slower than that of a prodigy, and I’ll never reach the same levels, but I can notice improvements, even between sessions.

So you can see how I can’t prescribe tips for development. We each have different brain modules for what can be developed; the bulk of people even in a serious Buddhist community can barely develop their meditative insight at all. Many people can’t sustain musical interest, and even if forced barely progress. Most people have no interest in math and geometry, and even if they tried would never get far in those studies.

And our areas that we are interested to develop can change over time.

Some people can get just a few small tips from me about chi-kung and its enough to open up their internal floodgates. Others can get a profound and deep initial instruction and it’s nothing more than a fun and fleeting wow moment.

And there must be lines of development that I have not paid attention to.

But if a person is interested in integrated development and is looking for resources, I’d suggest a good place to start is by getting an overview of what lines of development are possible, and how these lines develop through defined stages. A Brief History of Everything by Ken Wilber is the the most accessible, comprehensive and well thought out map that I’ve come across. He has a library of books, but Sex, Ecology, and Spirituality is the deeper companion novel to A Brief History. It is not as accessible, and most people find it tough going. I found it a breeze to read through, and very interesting – so again, it will depend on your brain modules. Some people are philosophically inclined and find pleasure in abstract thought and can easily see many connections at the same time, while others must use effort and struggle and barely get any reward for philosophical thinking. It would make no sense to broadly prescribe SES to everyone on the street.

I consider mind training, and body-mind awareness training to be the bedrock of all personal development. The Buddhists have the best mind training technology, in my opinion. However please be warned that if you get involved in a community, which can be very helpful, you should expect to get somewhat brainwashed. That’s the human condition. So you may wind up with some extra baggage of metaphysical beliefs, some of which can be downright harmful. Don’t buy into the “help others before yourself” egoless compassion bullshit. Don’t buy into the “you’d better get enlightened before you die” wheel of suffering fire and brimstone crap. Buddhism is very tradition oriented, and they didn’t know shit about shit hundreds and thousands of years ago. What they didn’t know, they just made up, and called it tradition. Nowadays we have cognitive and biological and dozens of other sciences to put the mind training into a realistic empirical framework. I don’t even buy Wilbers framework anymore – even his was too metaphysical, back when he wrote SES. I suggest it not because it’s perfect, but because it’s the best flawed map that I know of.

Also for development we need to see our big life plan. You will often read me being angry at this or that writer in the manosphere, and accusing him of being pernicious. I have a strong sense of brotherly concern, and people truly matter and mean something to me. Some advice is pernicious. It just is. Real poison, and horrible misdirection. One way that writers go wrong that I’ve railed against is the fake it until you make it self hypnotic narcissist attitude that confidence is what matters most. No, what matters most is ACTUALLY developing as a person, and ACTUALLY getting fucking rich as hell. Not feeling developed. Being developed. Not feeling deserving of confidence, but being deserving of confidence. Because confidence is always about something. Confidence in appearance is about confidence in how you ACTUALLY look, not in how you feel you look. Confidence in any possible area you can point a stick at is about a real measurable shared reality, not about a narcissistic self image. So remember, we will all get old, and the older you get, the more you will need money and power.

Self development is great, but the long game must include money and power. Even if you want to take a few decades off as a slacker, the value of money and power increases as the powers of your youth decrease. If you love your future self, do him the favour of taking him into consideration.

Half way through this email I started writing it not as a direct answer to you, but as a general blog post to all possible readers.


Your friend,