I’ve broken some hearts lately, and I don’t have the will to stop.
They say “don’t hate the player, hate the game”. But I’ve been holding hidden feelings of guilt. I only become aware of them if I see a picture of myself.
Along those lines, there are other patterns of emotions and self-image I’ve been noticing. When I’m hunting I often have a deep feeling of lonely hunger.
But I had a dream last night. One of those beautiful, mystical dreams that are literally spiritual. In the dream I noticed that the fact that our attention is under the sway of our will, that our life is literally a spiritual experience, with so much potential for beauty.
Today when hunting, I was not lonely. I was not hungry. I was happy.
I’ve also lately been researching and experimenting with pharmacological choices.
Tonight I could push myself to hit a club, but I may just stay in for a while longer and make better friends with who is in the mirror, and practice my free will to choose my awareness via the remarkable practices of chi-kung.
I don’t want to think of myself as a callous heartbreaker. I don’t want to view the world as an ugly win-lose game.
A big reason why I can have an emotional effect on girls is because of my emotional affect. I can’t have that if I see myself as a dick.