I was 30 and she was 41. Over the course of a few months we’d fallen deeply in mutual love. Over the next two years I would be continuously tortured by my own disappointment with her age.
She was a one in a million match for me, personality wise. A yoga teacher, meditator, and chi-kung practitioner, with a loving touchy feely body and a keen bright and funny wit. The sex was great. We had bonded intensely. Still, when we went out skiing, I could not help but be fascinated by the young girls, and disappointed at her age. Being confronted with the contrast was painful.
And for her part she could never get over how poor I was. She was used to the man being the provider of financial security, and her disappointment in me was also endless and a source of great turmoil.
We both wished it were not so. I wanted to accept her age. She wanted to accept my financial situation.
One day she recounted to me advice she had heard from her Guru for how to look inward to find solutions. “If you ever have a really difficult problem, clearly formulate a concise question about it just before you fall asleep. If you get the same answer in three different dreams, then you can accept that answer as wisdom coming from your core.”
Every night I would ask myself what to do about these feelings that she was too old for me. Every night I would have the same dreams. I dreamt of dating teenagers and girls in their early twenties. A few at a time. Often the girls would find out about each other.
Fast forward a few years and I was doing just that. And because of that I had become quite happy.
Through that experience I discovered that I simply can not choose my emotions and my preferences. For better or worse, they are what they are.
Lately I’ve been dating an attractive just-turned-twenty-three full Chinese woman who I click with very well. She’s bright and cheerful and fun, and is personable and attentive and generous and doting. Very good relationship with all of her family. She’s diligent and earned two university scholarships, and scored 130 on some IQ test. I expect to fall in love with her and bond. I’m already quite fond of her, and love did well up in me as I fucked her for the first time in her life just a few days ago.
But physically she is not quite the body type that I usually seek. I like her body. It’s firm and curvy and smells right. She’s just a bit more athletic and less micro-mini petite. The waist hip ratio is not as extreme.
I spent an entire day yesterday walking around examining women’s hips. N19 has great hips and a nice tight ass. But a horrible personality. I often really don’t like her, and can become uncomfortable and irritated and even unhappy around her if we are not fucking. But her hips really work for me.
We’ve all daydreamed about building the perfect women out of parts of our various girlfriends, to create a Franken-girl.
And many manosphere readers are familiar with the idea that girls are prone to seeking out alpha-males way out of their league, and often confuse being desired sexually for a fling with a very high value man with the potential for tying one down for commitment.
I’ve had some amazing girls in my life. As recently as a few months ago I had a brief fling with a true stunner who was great in bed and had a great personality. I can’t get over the fact that she was, even if briefly, attainable to me. Why should I not keep trying for that? Or am I forever seeking out what is unrealistic based on my experiences within fleeting flings?
I’ve had long term super charged lust based relationships with young hotties, but I’ve had to compromise on brains and personality. I really enjoy the level of passion that only comes from adoring very specific body types. I can appreciate the body shape and feel and smell so much that it becomes a type of devotion. Sexual and lusty and loving devotion. An art form of hedonism and reverence.
And so I have trepidations about what I fully expect to happen next. I will fall for my new V. She already has been obsessively thinking about me for many weeks now. And I liked her a great deal since our first meeting.
But I know I will keep looking for someone just like her but with hips more to my liking. I’m not sure if that can go well.
Still though, when we were fucking a few days ago, I was overwhelmed with a novel emotion; that she was a woman suitable for my seed. She would make a great baby, and a great mother. That notion mixed with the erotic feelings in my belly, and heightened it so much that the feelings welled up all the way to my heart, and I could not help but burst out “Daddy loves you! Daddy love you!” as we both rode on a crescendo of passion.
Meanwhile I’ve been seeing S17 every night. Her personality needs a lot of work, but she has been improving. A few nights ago she tried to throw a cold-shoulder mood at me because she assumed that my chatting with potential interns was me chatting with girls. I ignored her ignoring for a few hours and fell asleep, but when I awoke in the middle of the night and she was still on the other side of the bed, I kicked her out. Drove her home in the middle of the night. She has no business visiting me if she’s going to just use our time together to give me some emotionally abusive mood. I’ve done such maneuvers many times with her, for any bad behavior. As of today we were kissing passionately each of the 8 times we have had sex so far. She has been kissing me warmly many times today, and is all over me as we rest. We are both warming up nicely to each other, and it’s a dramatic change over her much cooler heart of several months ago.
S17 is a good example of how passion – true physical lusty passion – can be cultivated in a woman. How value is not always shown all at once, through height and looks. A girl can over time not only open up in love, but open up in lust, as she sees you as more and more valuable. Value can come in many forms, and what to a girl is a “high value man” that deserves every outward show of affection and care and attentive lust is a complicated calculation that continues to calculate over time, and over time that calculation feeds raw data to raw emotions.