Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

I’m not obligated to love you.

Posted by xsplat on July 14, 2014

I’ve fallen into the trap before of spending time with women out of obligation. Taking care of their emotional security needs out of obligation.

I don’t do that any more. Because I don’t have to.

An abundance mentality is only a catch22 if you are trying to feel and believe something that does not exist in order to have an effect. Step one then step two. Step one, maximize your position and have genuine options; have other girls and be able to develop a new pipeline. Step one might take decades of personal and business work and moving around the globe, or it might be a matter of a few small changes.

I don’t do mentalities. I don’t create and re-create narratives in my head in order to maximize my mood. I do reality. I create realities in order to maximize my position.

Men and women change their strategies according to their options. When you REALLY have options, it’s not about mentality. It’s about making choices.

And I don’t want to make the poor choices I used to, of being with women out of obligation to “the relationship”.

After a poor date with my N18 I found myself greatly irritated and snapped out these offline messages to her as she was walking back home:


It seems you can’t get over the fact that I don’t want to live with you.

Ya, you should probably one way or another adjust.

Because I’m not going to love you more just because you want me to. I will only spend time with you if I WANT to.

Not because I lived with other girls in the past.

You don’t get to spend time with me because “now it’s your turn”.

I have to actually WANT to be with you. That’s all. That’s it. Finished and end of story.

If we aren’t spending more time with each other it’s because I don’t want to.

You can’t make me want to be with you more by crying or begging or making a fuss every time I leave your apartment or ask you to go home.

Frankly a LOT of the time you are a very annoying girl.


If you were less annoying I’d WANT to be with you more.

It’s pretty simple.

I’ve tried 1000 times over and over to correct your annoying behaviour, but you don’t learn fast or try hard.

I STILL have to repeat myself many times to say anything at all to you.

You STILL mumble all the time, and I can’t hear what you are saying. That’s really annoying.

Basically it’s impossible to talk to you at all.

And you don’t act like a faithful number one, but you still want all the privileges of one. As if I owed it to you.

The only way I’ll WANT to spend time with you, is if I enjoy it.

That’s IT. Not because YOU want it.

And a lot of the time, a really big percentage of the time, you are not enjoyable to be around.

Very negative.


Always lying.

Bad temper.

Talking in a rude voice.

And just in so many ways really a very annoying human being.

If I ever loved some other girl more or treated some other girls differently you should ask yourself why.

And look to yourself.

And don’t just expect the same treatment for different behaviour.

50% of humans have a vagina.

Yours is not made of gold, and won’t automatically make me live with you.

You don’t even come at all.

Your blowjobs are great, but come on. You don’t even come.

And I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you let go into experiencing strong bliss.

So I think I give you plenty of time and attention, considering. And I”ve given you the best opportunity for a future I know how to give you.

If you are waiting to marry me then you should adjust your expectations.

It’s not going to happen.

I’ve been irritable all morning just thinking about the relationship.

I see the writings of many men who feel unlovable. On therationalmale an ugly commenter explains how ugly people have no hope with attractive women. It’s not only his personal experience, but he makes some sound arguments why it’s out of his control.

And N18 does the same bullshit about her personality. She says it’s out of her control and all the fault of her parents and circumstance.

Being loveable is a skill.

People with little experience of being loved want and perhaps even NEED to downplay that fact.

Being loveable is a skill.

Nobody deserves love. We are not newborn babies and I’m not some mothers nipple. We earn it, through our actions.

By adding value. By being happy and sharing happiness. By feeling content and sharing contentedness. By adding value in every possible way that our lover can appreciate.

You can’t ask someone to love you. You can’t expect someone to love you.

If he enjoys being around you and if you make him happy, the emotions will follow.

Guys have the same issue. People walk around with negativity as their default mode of being. They are not happy people. They are not finding girls who love them, because…

They are not loveable people!

Being loveable is a skill. It might take years to learn it. It might take enormous personal and business and location development. You don’t deserve it, and it IS under your control.

I’ve noticed before that when I spend a lot of time mulling angrily over some girls behaviour it’s mostly my fault. For not being with a better girl. And this morning I’m really irritated and cranky.

Obviously N18 isn’t all bad or I wouldn’t keep seeing her. But people get put into the place that they earned. Nobody gets to assume a monogamous relationship as the #1 girl, anymore than a mail clerk gets to assume he should be CEO.

Whatever love you are getting right now? That’s what you’ve earned. Don’t blame the bitches. Look in the mirror.

16 Responses to “I’m not obligated to love you.”

  1. […] I’m not obligated to love you. […]

  2. endless said

    this post couldn’t come at a better time. im in a similar position. u get what u deserve. great post.

    • xsplat said

      Thanks. One reason I write is because I know that these experiences are the common human condition, and we all feel better when we share them. We are not alone.

  3. C said

    Good points here.
    One of the wisest things I ever saw written about love was: “People only have their kind of love to give you, not your kind.”

    • xsplat said

      Succinct. Sometimes a half painted picture is more evocative, as it demands the mental effort. We start to wonder “what kinds of love” and then imagine outside of our shoes.

  4. […] I’ve fallen into the trap before of spending time with women out of obligation. Taking care of their security needs out of obligation. I don’t do that any more. Because I don’t have to.  […]

  5. J said

    I find it interesting that she still has the power to irritate you, as well as the extent to which you seem to endorse your own anger.

    I’ve been in a very similar situation. It frustrated me greatly because I really wanted her to become a better person. I had other options, of course, but it’s never as easy as just stepping over to the next item on the buffet (and even the next girl is likely to have the same problem).

    I felt like I had given her enough that she was obligated to give me more in return. It really felt like she should, and in my lack of understanding why she wouldn’t,I would get irritated. It didn’t feel like I should even have to understand why she was behaving the way she was, since it was obviously immature and she should just stop. So of course I felt justified filling that hole with angry emotions.

    And I was. It’s just that it comes with rather large costs. For one, when you allow a woman to throw you off kilter, it proves to her that she has the power to ruin your day. It feeds into any games she’s playing to prove that you care enough to get angry over her. You don’t want to incentivize that game if you can help it. The second, and perhaps even more important cost, is that it hides you from the crappy reality that she probably isn’t mature enough to know how to dig her way out. I know my girls weren’t.

    Realizing this made it easy to state my terms and walk out without being bothered in the least if they choose not to meet them. One girl didn’t, and that has saved me a lot of drama. The other couldn’t. Whereas before her plea for help seemed whiny and dishonest, seeing her emotion handling skill for what it is allowed me to recognize that it was genuine.

    This gets into some deeply weird shit. She became insanely grateful to have not only met a man who is her better on every front, but who can also make her feel safe playing on these terms because he can empathize with her even at her worst. Someone who can meet her where she is and lead her out. Someone competent enough to never NEED to kick her into gear (someone I hadn’t been previously!). When you get that, she fully appreciates how much more you have to offer, how much more she wants to offer you, and that she needs to submit to you so that you can change the very way she thinks so that she can better please you. It’s wild. Getting there was work on my side. But I did it. I led her, she pulled her weight, and now I have what I wanted. Things are good.

    I’m not gonna pretend I’m “above” getting angry or that it doesn’t have it’s place. I still get frustrated with my main girl on occasion. Sometimes I’m only willing to put in so much. Sometimes I don’t know what else to do. It’s just that it has helped me a lot to recognize that my anger always gestures towards ways that I can improve myself even more, and get even better results.

  6. xsplat said

    I took a day off from seeing N18, then had a leisurely day with my M25, my hobbies, then went out hunting. After the malls had closed I called up my N18 and she arrived looking hot. Wow. I think I will never forget the look on her face as we sat chatting in a coffeeshop. Pure adoration and devotion. And damn she was looking fine last night.

    She’s having a terrible time knowing I see my M. Genuinely heartbroken. And the same holds for my M. She saw N in the grocery store today and it threw her into a depression. It’s a very unstable situation, and in a way I’m glad I got a taste of my own medicine recently.

    I very nearly completely lost my M recently, but now we seem again to be an item. And N also occasionally make noises about not being able to handle the heartbreak any more and leaving. But we are all still rather addicted.

  7. t said

    I remember at one point you mentioned that N was getting blowjob training. It seems like that has progressed quite a bit.

    You also mention quite often that you have really bad memory. However, if you are able to, it would be nice if you could shed some light on how this training proceeded. Was it mostly instructional, did she watch videos, everyday vs. weekly, how you approached it, etc. It is not very likely to have been structured in a way to be able to break it down to steps, but some general ideas would be helpful, if only to further understand your approach to LTRs.

    • xsplat said

      She just became really into it. Maybe she appreciated my sexual responsiveness, I don’t know. Maybe my moans guided her.

      She’s useless at conversation, so I mostly just give her sexual attention. So when she wants attention (which is often) she’ll start to go down on me. As if oxygen only came out from my dick.

      Maybe she intuits its the main reason I still spend time with her. I don’t know why she is so enthusiastic and good at that now. But if a woman is going to be good at just one thing, that would be a good choice.

  8. Bingity Bong said

    Tail is trying to wag the dawg; sounds like she’s a bit frustrated you’re not going with her program.

    • xsplat said

      Ya, good metaphor. We had a great 5 days in Bali, with the new prospective intern/partner, but in a way that just caused more problems. Because when we are back home she saw that good time as some sort of evidence that we are a “couple” and that I have no boundaries. When I didn’t answer messages, she finagled access to my shop-house from an employee who has a key. I was fucking livid furious.

      Give an inch, huh?

      Needless to say boundaries were firmly re-enforced.

  9. clio said

    Amazing blog. I’ve been practising some of the skills you posted (thinking I was the only one, duh where were you 10 years ago)-particularly about control.
    In the end of the day, it is indeed what saves us from unnecessary pain and frustation. Ultimate control of your emotions and how to use them.
    Will be following your posts, keep writing.

  10. […] | I’m not obligated to love you. | xsplat.com […]

  11. […] via I’m not obligated to love you. « Random Xpat Rantings. […]

  12. […] is that the then goes on to project his own lack of development onto others. It’s not that HE is unloveable, for real and valid reasons, it’s that WOMEN are […]

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