Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

Why I’m heartbroken for a girl I don’t like

Posted by xsplat on July 6, 2014

Assortative mating is a bitch, because emotions.

My dad keeps telling me that I should date smarter women. For the last few years I’ve had a young big tittied hottie underneath and riding on top. I feel both love and gratitude to be with such a hot girl – as if she’s several points above my pay grade. Her curves and face have an effect on people. A surfer dude at a club was instantly smitten, and clutched his chest in crestfallen heartbreak when he found out she was with me. Then he enthusiastically congratulated me. I had that girl locked down for years. She was crazy in love with me.

But she’s dumb.

Things took several turn and twists for the worse between us after I moved a tight teenager into an apartment and kept her as a 2nd. In our hot tempers we did everything we could to get what we wanted; she wanted monogamy and I wanted a 2nd. I screamed at her to please get out of my life and she threatened me.

But by now we had formed some deep pair bonds, and we couldn’t quit each other.

The mental maps for seduction and relationships that most red-pill guys have are vastly insufficient. So many guys keep spouting off about how “attraction” is about some R selected aloof bad boy game. Oh, man, people could not be more deficient in their conception of sexual selection. Attraction is ALSO composed of so much more; the mating game includes powerful pair bonds, and right from the start seduction can incorporate developing those bonds.

Creating and sustaining those bonds is quite a skill, and the strength of them is blown off by people. Why? Because they have no experience? Because when those bonds break it’s painful and girls turn on men with vicious cruelty and steal everything that we have?

I’ve had many periods of my life when I had extreme heartbreak. Recently I’ve been going through some bouts of bad pain, and I can’t even count the number of times in my long past where I sobbed uncontrollably. Sometimes right in front of the women I was in love with.

And I’ve had girls sob uncontrollably in front of me, more times than I’ll ever be able to remember.

Once upon a time I was in love with a genius 10. Six weeks after we met she flew away to meet her fiance, and at the airport we both sobbed uncontrollably. We both sobbed for days and weeks after that.

The bonds that people can create can be deep beyond any reason.

A lot of guys honestly believe that the-red-pill of game knowledge is about being free from putting oneself into such vulnerable positions. Heartbreak is for beta losers and women don’t get attracted to vulnerable men.

It’s not that most manosphere thinking is wrong, it’s that it is partial. A partially correct idea is the most dangerous. I would like to shine some light to show more territory.

If you can’t feel the pain of heartbreak, you can’t feel the joys of bonding, and if you can’t love you can’t be loved. In order to get an attractive girl to fall and remain fallen in love with you, you MUST be vulnerable. That’s how bonding works.

Now you can control it, to a degree. You play push pull and front and manipulate your image and never show too much underbelly. But it’s still choice-less that to be loved you have to love, and being vulnerable is an inseparable part of that process. Genuinely vulnerable to some uncontrollable serious pain.

I’ve had times lately when I take all drugs and alcohol I can get my hands on, just to get some relief from the pain. Tramadol. Ghb. Beer. My girl of nearly 4 years has been dating around and I can’t get her to stop. The thought crossed my mind while I was in N18 today and it made me limp. I stopped and walked out of the apartment.

And yet I don’t even like M25.

These bonds we can create surprise even ourselves.

And M25 and I still can’t quit each other. All the pain goes away and I feel good again when I’m with her. After fucking her I feel like the king of the world again. I appreciate my banana head N18 more. I can approach new girls with greater joy and confidence. I’m myself again; a full, rich man.

I’m even thinking of making that stupid girl pregnant.


And yet I know I invest too much time with these girls. Therefore I’ve been building up an entire lifestyle that is meant to funnel smarter and higher status model quality girls into my life and the lives of my team members. My main man met a super bright highly sexual girl and it’s the perfect inspiration. That’s what I’ve had, that’s what I know is attainable, and that’s what I want. I love hearing them scream and moan for hours on end. Inspires me to go out and approach.

And I’ve been going out several days a week. At first I’d go out with N18 and she’d do all the talking. Then I’d run ahead and talk to girls alone. And lately I go out alone and hand out cards and explain about my modelling agency front-business to the best girls I can find.

It crossed my mind to call up 10 and invite her to get pregnant. I’m nearly 50 and it’s about time I got started on that next big project. Assortative mating is a bitch. We fall emotionally for what we think is the best we hope to get.

My Dad was a sucker for tits, ass, and a pretty face. My Mom was a hottie, and so was her sister, in their day. And my mom wasn’t too bright. Dad had three boys, and I was the only one that got his brains.

And I’m just like him. I’m the same sucker.

And just like him I’d prefer to get the hottie with the brains.

That’s an incredible challenge.

12 Responses to “Why I’m heartbroken for a girl I don’t like”

  1. […] Why I’m heartbroken for a girl I don’t like […]

  2. dave said

    And it’s a challenge that’ll bring grandpa back on his feet.

    My body has been screaming for me to mate with a coworker who is not as beautiful as other girls I can attain but has displayed great musical aptitude, conversational wit, rock solid social skills, and a curiosity to attain knowledge that engaged me. .
    Those impressions are almost permanently engraved in the subconscious

    The thing is I don’t like her. She is abusive towards her puppy, bad with her father, pseudo-independent, narcissitic and bpd to a very high level and ego inflated. Consciously I know that a human who can’t nurture something as simple as an animal nor treat Dad with respect nor decide between being independent.

    Perhaps I should demand she change. Perhaps I need to go to Asia to immerse myself in the language of love. Or perhaps I should simply move to greener pastures and seek out better fruit. Whatever the decision may be… our brains will rationalize ot make it seem like the best choice. Grrr.

    …. Man…. that old thread “our brains tell us what to think” once again rears its head. And I had been with 3 other girls since.. one who is undoubtedly prettier and blessed with T and A, another who is undoubtedly more lovable in her altruistic wiles, and one more who is both prettier and more lovable.

    But the cock knows. The cock has instincts. The cock knows what it takes to yield a solid son.

    I couldn’t believe it. I had always thought I’d be smitten for a wifey type. A woman with a solid heart, family values, compassion… true to Biblical form.. Yet the Id once again prevails over the superego..

    At any rate, it should be an interesting tale. The battle of Will vs Instinct. The Battlefield of Love. More literature should be written upon it.

    The only one word of encouragement I can give to you, which you assuredly also know, is that smart girls can only fall in love with men smarter than them and the vast majority of intelligent men do NOT have a trace of romantic dominance in them.

    Cheers to your new adventure.

  3. Renfrew said

    The manosphere makes extravagant claims for how courageously and unblinkingly accepting of reality it is, and yet in a thousand insidious ways it encourages men to suppress and hide their own feelings, then to repress those feelings, and — if all else fails — simply to lie to themselves outright about whatever they feel. I contend that EVEN IF THIS WORKS in terms of, say, enabling you to bed more women (and I can imagine it does work!), it’s a DUMB life strategy that, ipso facto, cannot directly lead to contentment and satisfaction in the long-haul.

    It is possible for a man to become highly proficient at making money, and yet have the same habits of mind and behaviour which make him great at that somehow not contribute to his net happiness. Equally, being “good with women” is a somewhat domain-specific capability and while crucially important to a man’s well-being (as making money is), is simply NOT the panacea — the be all and end all — that the manosphere, as an unstated premise, clearly pretends that it is. (If a man can’t get money and women sorted out in his life, he won’t be happy; that’s a no brainer, but it doesn’t make the converse true: being rich and getting loads of pussy, while undeniably pleasurable from moment to moment, is *the* single secret to masculine gratification, and more of both is ALWAYS better, and no other sources of meaning are needed? Yeah…right…whatever.)

    I hope the next evolution of the manosphere is to encourage men to discover, satisfy and refine their own individual sexual natures, not to ape some “r-selected Alpha” mythical ideal.

    The r and K selection stuff, properly understood, is a little be helpful in explaining why some guys crave a new girl every week (and don’t bond as deeply) while others — who might still savour and value variety per se — are content with lower partner counts and longer-running romances.

    The alpha/beta stuff, though…don’t get me started…is a red herring more often than not. “Practice, in every conceivable way, sustaining an internal nexus of control and not being a fucking wuss” is, to oversimplify things, pretty much all a man needs to know about alpha/beta…just forget the labels because: a) they’re misleading and not always accurate, and moreover b) dwelling on them can taint a man’s decision-making process and his ability to take instinctive action.

    There is also something to be said for “going with the flow” — in life, including with women — in ways the manosphere doesn’t speak to (since the manosphere generally doesn’t perceive pair bonding as a “gift of nature” or potential source of satisfaction). I’ve been with my main squeeze (non-monogamously) for more than half a decade now (I suppose I’m K-selected then). There have been times, and continue to be times, when I doubt the wisdom of staying with her, when I think “I could do better,” or when I focus on some flaw in her that gives me pause, or when she’s genuinely being badly behaved and I think “Who needs this?”.

    But what can I say? Deeper down, maintaining the relationship with her (on terms agreeable to both of us) seems incontrovertibly the right thing for me to do. Sometimes I imagine her as a cat that’s wandered into my life. She’s just mine now…and that’s all there is to it. To question that fact is to question “god’s will.” It’s totally irrelevant whether she’s the perfect cat or not, or whether I’m the perfect master. We’ve come together, we now belong together, and that’s that.

    Meanwhile, X, I feel for you. M25 is a major babe. Like the surfer dude, I too was smitten when I first clapped eyes on her. So, yeah, if you can afford to have a child, getting her pregnant might be the right move. Maybe that’s what she needs from you also, in order to accept your non-monogamy with more compliance and less drama. Would she make a good mom?

    Bottom line, I think if one finds oneself in a pair-bonded situation that’s really solid, the question becomes “is it workable?” And if the answer is yes, then the job is to work it, not to fret about its inadequacies or go nuts with the “what ifs?”. (The fact that you say you don’t *like* her worries me, although that just might be you being tired of dealing with shit with her right now, and, if you got back on an even keel, you’d like her more again.)

    Coda: From Joseph Campbell, the myth guy, I picked up the notion that a good pair bond (in his rubric, but not mine, “a marriage”) is a DEVOTIONAL EXERCISE. Which means there’s a good bit of throwing yourself into it, of accepting that it’s “bigger than you” in some key ways, and just riding the beast rather than trying to utterly subjugate it to your will.

  4. UCB said

    “If you can’t feel the pain of heartbreak, you can’t feel the joys of bonding, and if you can’t love you can’t be loved. In order to get an attractive girl to fall and remain fallen in love with you, you MUST be vulnerable. That’s how bonding works.”
    I read something years ago that completely changed the way I approach relationships (unfortunately, the specific reference is lost to me know). In it, the author argued that our hearts are first broken at the moment we open ourselves up to being a new relationship. It’s at that point when we decide to make ourselves vulnerable to another that we first “break” our hearts by letting down the defenses that were meant to protect us from heartbreak. Later, when the relationship experiences trauma, we “feel” the heartbreak that we opened ourselves up to in the beginning.

    It changed my approach to relationships because it taught me to understand that pain and heartbreak were inevitable, even in the very best relationships. Embracing this concept enabled me to access a level of emotional depth in my relationships that few of my peers can match.

    I understand why people avoid intimacy; there’s nothing rational about getting involved with someone or some situation that you KNOW will hurt you in the end. Except… you really don’t have a choice if you ever plan to know and love another person fully. Rather than embrace this basic fact of life, most people would rather hide their head in the sand and either pretend be unaffected by these emotions or to pretend that there’s some special person out there who will love them fully and completely as they are without subjecting them to pain.

  5. Rum said

    An un-avoidable issue with having lots of intimate partners is that doing so requires a nearly equal number of break-ups.
    Intimate partnering = very powerful stuff, even at its worst.

  6. Risk-Reward of the Heart said

    When one invests oneself into a relationship with another human being—whether friend, family, business associate, or female—one’s neural pathways begin the process of re-wiring themselves to accommodate this new aspect of one’s environment. The longer and more intensely that process progresses, the more those pathways hardwire themselves, literally becoming a physical part of oneself, in the synapses of the nervous system. They become a part of you. To sever those neural pathways, is to sever a physical part of oneself, and most often, is physically painful.

    The risk of that pain is the stuff of Russian novels and centuries worth of male generated productivity (music, commerce, labor, etc).

    However, no risk, no reward.

    The key, in my humble opinion, and which I have learned the hard way, is to have a clear understanding of the numerator: ROI = Return/Investment. Since X has a readership that natively speaks multiple languages: Return is the numerator.

    What Return do you hope to receive on the Investment (of your risk)?

    This is where it all goes sideways. This is where your cultural milieu has you by the short and curlies, and what the manosphere seeks to redress.

    What is a reasonable expectation of Return on your risk taken? Read the wider manosphere for insight on that, as regards females. Then get clear on your own expectations. Then adjust your execution model accordingly to be in harmony with your personal and specific yield expectations.

    What is a reasonable expectation of Return on your risk taken? Have you verified that that is a reasonable expectation, given the other human being in whom you are considering investing? In my youth, I skipped that last step… like I said, I learned the hard way. Better to nail that down upfront, and thereby adjust one’s Investment to target one’s desired Yield.

  7. Stephen said

    The genes want what the genes want, don’t they. It’s definitely been my experience that we bond unexpectedly, with dumb or less attractive girls. I’m not really waiting for some genius 10 that would be my equal and a complete bitch.
    Anyway, poor little M. She always annoyed me, mostly, though I know she has a good heart.

  8. C said

    I’ve been there and I really feel for you and appreciate your honesty.

    I don’t think it’s a good idea to create a new life with someone that you’re not totally certain about. I’ve seen a broken marriage at close quarters (as a stepdad) and the ties you create by making babies with someone are lifelong. If the girl has any kind of malice towards you she will surely use the kid to get hand. That could turn out very unpleasant for you and the kid. The bonds you have with her now are as nothing compared with what a baby will create.

    Yeah, sometimes two people just click and they’re meant to be together. And a few years later they’re not meant to be together but neither can quite give it up. It requires deliberate and protracted grieving to get over that – honest, tearful, wailing, painful grieving. It’s awful, I know, but people get through it, given enough time.

  9. xsplat said

    Thanks everyone for the insightful comments.

    I think the wisest thing to do would be to taper off of M25, instead of going cold turkey. I’m ambivalent about making the stupid pregnancy move. Time is marching on, after all, and babies are quite cheap here. Might even be able to get my long sought after cuckoldry set up. Risks, rewards, pros and cons. The wise choice would be to play with those emotions during this oxytocin drug withdrawl tapering period, and then slowly back away. But I’m not promising that I’ll act wise.

    By the way I don’t need any tramadol, valium, or booze anymore. I figure drugs like that have their rightful use. I’m not a big fan of suffering. Put in a few focused productive work hours before devoting the day to the gym, hitting the heavy boxing bag in the rooftop garden, piano in the 4th floor atrium, chi-kung in the bedroom, and it was normal good day. I love seeing my flowers and vines come along. Sometimes I see them when I close my eyes during sex.

    And it seems an appropriately tenuous stability has been once again set up, for this transition period. So the normal rough stuff of life is being navigated and negotiated into calmer waters.

    And N18 reads this blog.

  10. t said

    Lots of good comments here.

    I was surprised you still talk to your dad.

  11. the judge said

    There are times when I feel nostalgic for a life I never lived but wanted to where I fell in love and had the high school love that frankly was impossible for my high school self and want to make the decision to attach myself to someone and affect that persons life for the sake of it but then I read testimonials like this.

    This all seems..exhausting.

    • xsplat said


      There are three basic categories of ways to increase happiness and avoid suffering

      1) influence and change external situations
      2) mind training
      3) pharmaceuticals

      Within the category of mind training is a sub-category of philosophy, which includes internal narratives.

      Your narrative seems to be that high risk is not worth high reward.

      For the last several years I’ve been mostly pretty happy. Happy enough that it seemed noteworthy to me, and I’ve been trying to systematize how to create and maintain this happiness. For me a lot of this happiness involves relationships and sex and money. And chi-kung.

      My narrative tells me that it’s not enough to just lower expectations and accept things as they are. That would be working solely on mind-training. That had not worked by itself for me – the external situations are hugely influential, no matter how much our philosophies tell us that they SHOULD not be.

      Philosophy is useless in the dentist chair.

      The external situations have huge effects.

      I find that when things are well set up, I am learning and growing and enjoying and can not only be warm and content but have times of bliss and even extreme bliss.

      But I can’t have that without risk.

      The rewards that I’ve been personally experiencing are profoundly important to me.

      I’m getting back on track to that bliss and wellbeing even now.

      The down and difficult times are simply part of the process.

      Buddhists have a conceptions of “samsara”, which is the fact that situations are interdependent and cause and effect is constantly causing flux and changes. Since happiness IS relative to external situations, happiness within “samsara” changes. The Buddhist “solution” to this is to try to detach from being effected by external situations through mind training.

      It doesn’t work. Mind training is so helpful that I consider it essential to the good life, however as a philosophy of happiness it doesn’t work.

      You need the externals. For me I need love in my life, to be at my best. That’s a fact.

      Being happy is a strategic war. It’s not a series of battles, it’s a full out strategic war. You must plan, craft, put in the work, and win. Happiness is largely due to circumstance, and affecting circumstance is a life long strategic process.

      As is mind and body training.

      When people talk of the “hedonic treadmill”, mostly they are just making excuses for not wanting to try hard.

      The concept of a hedonic treadmill is one of those dangerous partial truths. It’s just accurate enough to be dangerously wrong. The wider territory is that we can HUGELY affect our own happiness, and that happiness can grow and grow over time, with mind training and circumstance improvement. You can deliberately create and maintain not only an ongoing feeling of contentment, but even move into times of great happiness and bliss, and even extreme blisses.

      That is not done on the couch thinking about “is it worth it?”

      It’s done through pavlovian training, one small step at a time. Giving yourself rewards and learning to feel and amplify those rewards for behaviors that you have chosen to use to win your war. Feel the happiness for the dollar earned. Feel the contentment for love you generate. Feel the pride for the music you make. And so on.

      Rather than deaden these feelings so as to never feel loss, you feel them, and accept that samsara is the game. Use samsara. Use the fact of interdependent cause and effect to your advantage. Win the war.

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