Anger is not incontinence
Posted by xsplat on April 26, 2014
When you toilet train a puppy, you have to be cautious not to reprimand the act of defecation. If you do that he’ll consider the act shameful and hide if from you in offerings behind the couch and won’t want to shit in front of you when appropriate outside.
An ex has been a hanger on in my life since we split 6 years ago, and is often a useful ally. But she has intractable and stubborn flaws, that are not amenable to any form of persuasion or coercion, be it tender or violent. She is managing the 6 live in shop-house renovators, and refuses to stop being queen-bee and giving them unapproved projects. Today she went against direct orders to not varnish some cabinets on the exterior, as I prefer a beeswax/oil finish.
Anger is not incontinence. It is nothing to be ashamed of showing in front of others. I loudly reprimanded her, and I have a booming voice that easily fills all four floors, then loudly got her to assemble the full crew and translate to them to never do anything she says unless I’m there. To tell them that I’m the boss, not her. The high gloss varnish is currently being removed.
If you believe that anger is “losing your shit”, then you have been improperly trained. If you maintain this ignorant habit then day by day you are complicit in your own castration.
Conflict avoidance is a serious problem, for a great many men.
Sometimes one-on-one displays of anger won’t correct a problem and public shaming is the only next step.
Improper training of boys in the arts of conflict also leads to instincts that are misaligned with reality. Open anger does not lead to resentment or a fouling of group cohesion. It is the opposite – groups are maintained by effective leadership, and discipline is the dirty job of the leader. The disciplinarian job commands respect, and is given respect due.
We have a new girl here cooking and cleaning. A tight little 20 year old. So there are four girls who regularly cook for me now. I’ve been told that she openly mentioned that she’d date me if she spoke English, even though my ex is here all the time. My position here must be a big influence. My position here is not only about paying the salary. My job description is more than being the ideas man.
You can’t hold this position in this house and be “nice”. Being nice is not nice, because it is not effective.
Chogyam Trungpa once recounted a story to a large audience of how one of his main teachers used to convey anger that could dominate the entire monastery with an imposing ever present vibe. He did not imply this to be some sort of incontinence. He told that story as illustration of effective leadership.
This principle is true in all interpersonal situations. Your emotions are not diarrhoea, to be TONED THE FUCK DOWN. If you are an adult then your bowels are there to be properly and effectively used, without shame. You have them for a reason. Shitting is not losing control – you shit with accuracy and effectiveness.
Anyone who uses the term “losing your shit” when seeing emotional tone or open conflict has been improperly emotionally toilet trained.