Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

Anger is not incontinence

Posted by xsplat on April 26, 2014

When you toilet train a puppy, you have to be cautious not to reprimand the act of defecation. If you do that he’ll consider the act shameful and hide if from you in offerings behind the couch and won’t want to shit in front of you when appropriate outside.

An ex has been a hanger on in my life since we split 6 years ago, and is often a useful ally. But she has intractable and stubborn flaws, that are not amenable to any form of persuasion or coercion, be it tender or violent. She is managing the 6 live in shop-house renovators, and refuses to stop being queen-bee and giving them unapproved projects. Today she went against direct orders to not varnish some cabinets on the exterior, as I prefer a beeswax/oil finish.

Anger is not incontinence. It is nothing to be ashamed of showing in front of others. I loudly reprimanded her, and I have a booming voice that easily fills all four floors, then loudly got her to assemble the full crew and translate to them to never do anything she says unless I’m there. To tell them that I’m the boss, not her. The high gloss varnish is currently being removed.

If you believe that anger is “losing your shit”, then you have been improperly trained. If you maintain this ignorant habit then day by day you are complicit in your own castration.

Conflict avoidance is a serious problem, for a great many men.

Sometimes one-on-one displays of anger won’t correct a problem and public shaming is the only next step.

Improper training of boys in the arts of conflict also leads to instincts that are misaligned with reality. Open anger does not lead to resentment or a fouling of group cohesion. It is the opposite – groups are maintained by effective leadership, and discipline is the dirty job of the leader. The disciplinarian job commands respect, and is given respect due.

We have a new girl here cooking and cleaning. A tight little 20 year old. So there are four girls who regularly cook for me now. I’ve been told that she openly mentioned that she’d date me if she spoke English, even though my ex is here all the time. My position here must be a big influence. My position here is not only about paying the salary. My job description is more than being the ideas man.

You can’t hold this position in this house and be “nice”. Being nice is not nice, because it is not effective.

Chogyam Trungpa once recounted a story to a large audience of how one of his main teachers used to convey anger that could dominate the entire monastery with an imposing ever present vibe. He did not imply this to be some sort of incontinence. He told that story as illustration of effective leadership.

This principle is true in all interpersonal situations. Your emotions are not diarrhoea, to be TONED THE FUCK DOWN. If you are an adult then your bowels are there to be properly and effectively used, without shame. You have them for a reason. Shitting is not losing control – you shit with accuracy and effectiveness.

Anyone who uses the term “losing your shit” when seeing emotional tone or open conflict has been improperly emotionally toilet trained.

16 Responses to “Anger is not incontinence”

  1. A Second Look said

    Agree with all of the above.

    But damn, someone has to call this guy out, which isn’t popular. And the thing is, he only grew his traffic to its current level by drafting blogs of others with HOT links back to his site, while NEVER giving love back to those very blogs he drafted. Google is well known to decimate online businesses for far less. Burns me up, even though it shouldn’t. It’s the smugness that tweaks me the most. (“Here, I’ve already written about this, I’m the authority.” — Why not just hot link your handle and then write whatever it is you have to say in the comments? The men who resonate with what you have to say will check you out and see what you’re all about, without the hot links to your site.) I read other sites for what THOSE unique proprietors have to say, uniquely; to see him perpetually posting hot links back to his site in the comments sections of others tweaks me as totally unprofessional and opportunistic… which I could live with, were there any mojo EVER being returned to the drafted blogs… which it never is.

    Strikes me as way out of balance vis a vis the other proprietors in the community, not all of whom I even like, but all of whom I consider worthy of being treated as men, and not marketing pivots.

    I suppose with all the traffic now being generated into the manosphere that it’s inevitable that large swaths of it will become commercialized. I would just prefer to see a little more honor in how it’s handled, but that would pretty much go against everything we’ve learned about human nature.

    • xsplat said

      I don’t know what you are talking about or how it relates to my post. You mentioned in your previous post that you’ve been spamming the manosphere with this same complaint, and I’m still not even sure what the complaint is – who are you talking about? And what does it have to do with this post or my blog?

      • A Second Look said

        Have NOT been spamming the manosphere with anything…quite the contrary. Not going to call him out by name because I don’t want to be specifically divisive… hoping he’ll soften his edges of his own accord. Calling out uncouth marketing tactics, in general. Should be self-evident to all proprietors who get this guy’s hotlinks perpetually posted on their blogs, under the ruse of giving an actual shit about those communities. But if those proprietors don’t care, why should I?

        Could argue that it has nothing to do with your post or your blog. Could easily also argue the contrary… that your post/blog are prime case in point. Really, just raising awareness. Anyway, done. Don’t think the readers care too much one way or the other. Pretty lies are fun, after all, especially when they reinforce one’s view of things.

        Perhaps it has nothing to do with your post or blog. Don’t see it that way myself, but open to other interpretations. Done injecting my thoughts. Let the cards fall where they may. Sheep will follow what they will follow… not going to devote my life to their salvation. (For those who DO care, pay attention to what you read, who you read, and what they have to say over extended periods of time.)

        Just happen to think that guys truly focused on improving themselves should keep in mind the larger landscape, and where they fit into that.

        Best to you all.

      • xsplat said

        I don’t get it. You are trying to raise awareness while being deliberately vague.

        One more time; I have no idea what you are talking about.

      • A Second Look said

        @xsplat “I don’t get it”

        No worries, mate.

        It was intentionally cryptic, meant for those to whom it applied. Perhaps that’s not you. Though, I have witnessed, on numerous occasions you giving your energy to his enterprise, while I have never seen him, not once, reciprocate the energy back to YOUR enterprise.

        In any event, your personal situation is none of my business. My post was intended more for the readers of your community at large, specifically the proprietors amongst them who may yet have realised this one-way energetic transfer with this one particular proprietor, in their own dealings with him.

        Like I said, however, if they don’t care, why should I? Simply, as an objective third party, it strikes me as untoward.

        Incrementally unlatching the tethers that maintain my care for males in the manosphere… especially as the manosphere becomes increasingly motivated by commercial concerns… which introduces agendas… into what, in my personal opinion should be an agenda-free environment that fosters the unbiased, unfiltered, unedited, exchange of life experiences among males seeking non-PC betterment in their own individual lives. (The manosphere’s very origins were rooted in its non-commercial character.)

        I take no issue with commercialism, but readers should note that as soon as commercialism is introduced, agendas change, rapidly. The Halcyon days are long past. Long live the Halcyon days.

        C’est la vi. Peace.

      • afewgodmen said

        Get some oxygen you fucking moron. And while you’re at it take your tail out of his ass too.

      • A Second Look said



        Strong reply, chief.

        My comments seem to have raised your hackles in some way… wasn’t the intention. Did you disagree with me on something, specifically? Or, just general boat-rocking issues? Either is fine with me; I’d just like to know how you prefer to be addressed.

        Regardless, I’m intrigued as to your personal realities that you’ve freely shared here in depth for others to digest/discuss/debate/disagree with, at both their individual convenience and (consciously) individual level of development, whether or not those realities are popular.

        Would you mind posting those links where you put yourself out there, so that we can catch up to your understandings of the world we’re all doing our best to navigate?

        Thanks in advance.

        The author of this site is famous for pressing his arguments in other forums where those arguments are not popular. I always enjoyed considering his arguments, whether or not I agreed with them. They never bothered me, and I never appreciated when he was censored or shouted down by the various commentariats on other sites, even when I agreed with those other sites/commentariats. Historically, I have differed with this site’s author on roughly 10% of content, which is pretty negligible, in the grand scheme of things. That’s precisely why I post almost exclusively here—because he understands the concept of different viewpoints and free expression thereof, having been on the raw receiving end of it, himself.

        I post real profitable world-tested shit here because I’m confident it can be of benefit to others and that it won’t be censored… unlike every other manosphere site that does most definitely censor its commentariat when its comments stray beyond the given proprietor’s comfort zone. I also take a hands-off approach to what others post here for the very same reason. Disagree with most of them, but rarely comment on those posts with which I disagree, because, who cares? When I agree with them, I make it known. Passionate engagement of other commenters is hardly the same as shitting on them, which is all too common elsewhere.

        I view this site as an ongoing civil conversation, as opposed to a non-stop shit show of negativity, and do my best to treat it accordingly. That doesn’t mean I’m always going to agree with the author. My recent posts were not even in disagreement with the author, but rather a heartfelt chime for the readers, especially those who are proprietors in their own right. Those posts may have been incorrect. I don’t believe that to be true, but I’m open to it. Nonetheless, they were certainly NOT combative to any readers of this site.

        I prefer constructive discourse to dubious online chest puffing.

        You come across as a tough guy in a back alley, like many others I have come across in my day. I’d prefer to discuss our differences civilly, but if that’s not your bag, fine, I can take it or leave it.

        Anyway, no hard feelings, and take care.

        Your BFF

        Or, just ignore me, and move on with your bad self.

    • afewgodmen said

      Out of the appreciation that I have for you through your work Xsplat I threw myself into his web in your defense. His mistake was thinking my calculated (and cryptic as well nonetheless) response was an emotional one and should somehow reflect back onto my character as he falsely labels me as a “tough guy in a back alley”; however, I thought it would be more fitting in keeping to the theme of your post by demonstrating the truth of it instead of: whining about people and days of yonder, offering a discussion all the while discussing about nothing and committing exactly that which is being denied and accused of from others – I chose to aim write at him instead of just pissing in the wind.

      Notice the difference between anger used effectively versus one that is held in to build and build. The former will help you reach your goal as I did with my previous post, while the latter will eventually seep uncontrollably all over your own trousers.

      A Second Look – here is not the place to discuss your differences with me. So when you’re ready, wipe yourself off and I’d be happy to oblige. You know where to find me.

      Good day gentlemen.

      • Intimacy said


        To be clear:

        Never even considered your character… my default presumption (as with all commenters, until proven otherwise) is that you are of solid character, seeking truthful data that you can apply for the betterment of your own individual life.

        I’m genuinely curious: does there exist a broader productive discussion that we are capable of having, here on X’s site, that might be beneficial to other X readers, beyond just ourselves?

        I sense that there very much is. I sense that you have a ton of shit that you want to express and explore. (I just have this gut instinct that you have some shit that is really worthy of wider contemplation.) Personally, I hope that you choose to do put it out there, as it will likely be educational for us all. I, for one, am open to hearing what you have to say. Might I suggest that you address some specific subject matter, rather than me? (easier to discuss specific subject matter than anonymous internet posters) I can’t speak for the rest of this commentariat, but I for one, will answer you honestly (and shoot you straight, even if it’s ugly), which I think I’ve copiously illustrated multiple times, here.

        You strike me as an intelligent person who probably has some intelligent topics worthy of exploration. I, for one, am happy to engage you on whatever topics you wish.

        But, let’s be clear about one thing: this is not about you and me—it’s about subject matter that might be relevant and/or beneficial to the larger readership, and might be inviting for the participation of others.

        So, peace. Open to discussion.

  2. Johnny Caustic said

    Great post!

    Holding back is one of the flaws I’m working on, and it’s good to have another metaphor to frame the right actions.

  3. t said

    Yeah, especially in the west, there is a constant call for avoiding conflict, so a lot of men don’t know how to deal with it and become passive-agressive in these situations.

  4. To be a leader showing anger is a necessity. It’s always been clear to me that the “anti-anger” phonies are dickless liars. Everyone gets angry, but only a chicken-shit of a man will swallow his anger all the time. You can ask your girl nicely and she will brush it off, not care, forget etc. You reprimand her with a loud tone, with force, or with more, and she doesn’t forget. The nice guy eats shit until he is completely destroyed, unless he eventually snaps and shows his anger and disapproval. At which point she, and everyone else, will do what it takes to win that approval.

    • t said

      Sometimes, though, the snapping of the nice guy can just drive people away. That is the problem with being too nice, you bottle it up, and then eventually it gets released but you cannot control it at that point. X mentioned before that you can project that anger but in a controlled manner so you can direct it as you like, rather than let the anger control you.

  5. Wojciech Majda said

    How does it relate to “loosing your face”? I’ve been living in Thailand for a month and I read that getting angry is bad and not cool. Also an update how she will treat you from now on will be good to hear.

    • xsplat said

      Actually I’ve told her that she can’t come to the shophouse any more, and have been lambasting her for the long pattern of disobedient behaviour. And in doing so a pattern emerged and I researched it and discovered a perfect fit with passive aggressive personality disorder, subtype circuitous:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior#Passive-aggressive_personality_disorder Circuitous Including dependent personality disorder features Opposition displayed in a roundabout, labyrinthine, and ambiguous manner, e.g., procrastination, dawdling, forgetfulness, inefficiency, neglect, stubbornness, indirect and devious in venting resentment and resistant behaviors.

      I’ve shared the insight with her. My plan lately has been to upgrade all my associations, and to that end I hired a new personal assistant who graduated at the top of her class, hired two other top class workers and fired two, all within this last month. This woman can be a great ally at times, but the passive aggressive problems can be worse than greatly irritating; they can be harmful to my business. So I don’t know if she will have any place at all in my life. In fact the ongoing patterns of bad behaviours may have even irreparably broken our friendship. I won’t detail the endless problems here, but some are dreadful and financially serious.

  6. Ken said

    Folks like the woman you described like to think they are running the show when all they are doing is running their mouths and fouling things up. And, yes, they tend to be passive aggressive. They know what you want but will give you anything but. In other words, they have it in mind that they are working to suit their own interests when they are in your employment. They are therefore struggling against your interest in myriad ways. They are hoping to get the upper hand and they are trying to play out a fantasy in which they are the boss and you go along with what they determine.

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