From a comment thread at Krauserpua:
the latent sadist says: If there is one thing that i know gives men confidence, it is achievement. The confidence i would gain from succeeding in my vocation spills over into my relations with women and men alike. For example, the lack of self respect for living with your parents and not having autonomy could certainly contribute to poor self image. Consequently, lesser success with women. While i understand your emphasis on internal referencing, i still dont see how this can be reconciled with the other widely touted mantra of “dont make success with girls your whole life. Focus on your mission”.
So on the one hand, i can appreciate the emphasis on being internally referenced.
But the external things we do as men influence our level of internal contentment. I dont want to be presumptuous, but because you devote much time to succeeding with women, its almost as if this IS your vocation. To the outside observer, you are financially able to devote alot of time to bedding women and relating your experiences on the blog…and what sounds like off/on again coaching. You put alot of work into the process, AND explaining it. I think its easy to glibly say that you just produce value 100% internally, but i think you can concede that it is derived in part through the positive feedback of this blog, and the work you’ve done to enable such a lifestyle. All external things.
I mean if you werent “externally referenced” at all, would you blog and post videos of your notches in order to increase your credibility in the pickup world? I have zero problem with anything you do, this isn’t criticism. But honestly, theres zero point in posting videos of your lays other than to prove that you are successful at something you take seriously. And to add legitimacy to what you advise men to do. No one wants to see man-ass or blurry images of your cock lol and you know that. Regardless, i watch them all. Its uplifting.
If anything im just pointing out that i dont think you can escape having to find purpose as a man. In your vocation, and how that affects your confidence. The average reader could certainly achieve your lifestyle but could be misled into thinking that succeeding in other areas of life is bullshit. devils advocate i guess.
I agree with you that most of us are emotionally moved by our external social positioning – real world increases in power and status and friends and lovers have effects that differ from internal narrative adjustment. And of course the converse is true. Having external plus internal supports is better than just one of them, and it is not an either/or game.
And I agree that most men are built to want a purpose. Even if ultimately that purpose boils down to evolutions way to make us attractive to the other sex, subjectively we don’t necessarily notice that – we feel better having some thing to do that is meaningful and interesting to us. Especially if it helps others.
Like you I’m quite wary of placing value only in the internal realm.
All that said, there is a type of value men can give women that is mostly entertainment and emotional based. It’s not the only type of value – I think it’s an easy error to make to over-value that type of value. Other types are very powerful and useful also. Sometimes even necessary, with some girls.
The Dave says: I find internal confidence essential and external confidence a bonus. There’s nothing wrong with living with bonuses in your life.
I know that many people HATE HATE HATE reality. They deny that the world affects them. They so desire to be an immovable island, safe from the vagaries of life that they even would prefer to be immune to their own emotions moving them.
Some people have intense philosophical desire for this state of freedom from influence. I used to be one of them – I went into meditation and Buddhism as far as I could, going on long forest or monastery or meditation center retreats, studying and meditating daily when not trying to meditate 24 hours a day. I wanted immovability too.
But I’ve come to realize that the world does affect us. I know many will still refuse to believe it – it’s a painful truth, and nobody likes pain.
My experience is that real skills and abilities and accomplishments influence my confidence. Confidence isn’t just a thing that is immovable and isolated. Far from just being a bonus, these skills and accomplishments are part and parcel of what I offer. One accomplishment that people might not object to, because I carry it around all the time and so it is “internal” is a golden tongue. This was earned through taking natural talent and using it over decades of paying attention to the craft of writing, and by being a salesman for many years, and by practice in many LTRs and MLTRs. But my other circumstances increase my confidence as well, and can decrease it. Because they have real world effects. I’m more attractive when I’m fit. My apartments and business owner status and financial situation can do a great deal of work for me when it comes to dating. These effects are just as real as my golden tongue.
I understand that it takes years and decades to build up the external frameworks that are different basis for different kinds of confidence. We can’t be confident in our musical ability until after years of practice. We can’t be confident in our dance skills until we can dance. We can’t be confident in our financial ability until we have money, and so on. There are various values we can give to women – the golden tongue is but one. Fucking skills is but another. It is so well known as to be a truism that women also find wealth and lifestyle attractive. This is not essential, any more than a golden tongue is essential, or any more than being a good fuck is essential. It’s just one of many attractive traits a person can develop. You can even rely exclusively on some of these if you develop them high enough. Fame game, money game, looks game, etc. They are not so much bonuses as different strategies, or different accomplishments.
The danger with teaching young men to rely on internal confidence is that old age will come. In old age you will want money, and lots of it. And any and all other possible accomplishments you can gather. If you want to still be able to compete for the best girls.