Why irrational self confidence will fuck up your life
Posted by xsplat on August 8, 2013
There is a pernicious meme that has taken hold like a dandelion. The meme is that irrational self confidence will aid your self interest.
It is pernicious because it is a short term solution that is in the long term detrimental.
I don’t want to look around me 15 years from now and see that my friends are all now crack addicted homeless bums. And so when I can I mention to people “Hey, it’s probably not a good idea to spend all your money on crack”.
And I don’t want to look around 15 years from now and see guys not getting their intimacy needs met.
And so I tell people, hey, it’s probably not a good idea to blind yourself to what women genuinely value in the competitive sexual marketplace. Work now to build real value – don’t just assume that you already have it.
Everything does not boil down to confidence. While you can hypnotize yourself to believe that you deserve more than you really do, this is in the long term not in your best interest.
The way self hypnosis, and irrational self confidence works, is this; your brain excludes all information that does not agree with the self hypnotic suggestion.
“I don’t need a big dick to sexually compete. I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need big muscles to compete, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to be a great lover in bed, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to make more money than the next guy, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to get my own apartment and furnish it tastefully, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to get an impressive car, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to to dress well, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to be a successful entrepreneur, I’m great just the way I am.”
“I don’t need to be tall, I’m great just the way I am.”
Irrational self confidence will leave you blind to what the competition is doing. You will literally be incapable of knowing what their relative strengths and disadvantages are. Because any such knowledge would harm your irrational self conception.
That is how the mind works.
You have two main options in life: self hypnosis, or meditation. You can either exclude parts of the brain from speaking to other parts, and therefore get magical self hypnotic powers, such as being able to make your hand numb, or forget the number six, or make the wall turn blue, or fall asleep on command, or you can unify your mind, and the wall will remain yellow and you will remain cognizant of the mosquito itch and you will be able to do math in your dreams.
The former will help you to screen for girls at the club who are down-to-fuck and get same night lays with them.
The latter option is what you need to get your intimacy needs met long term.
In my last two posts I made the readers aware that we have choiceless human psychological needs, and in order to be as satisfied in life as possible, you have to take these into account.
I don’t want to see people in the manosphere follow Heartiste and Roosh into becoming the next Mark Minters; blindsided by their own intimacy needs and structurally incapable of realizing them without huge compromise. For LTR success you need structural basics.
The dark triad traits will with absolute certainty fuck your life up.
You will not be able to experience empathetic joy. (Psychopathy.)
You will not be able to know realistic confidence and will exclude facts that threaten your esteem. (Narcissism.)
You will have boundary issues of not respecting others free will, and see others as nothing but a tool. (Machiavelianism.) Machiavelianism is related to the first two DT traits, in that it necessitates a lessening of empathetic joy, and is inconsiderate to opposing views.
If you want to lead a happy life, and not wind up a crack addict on the street, don’t choose the path of irrational self confidence.
Update from comments: In discussions where we share ideas and examine them, accuracy is important. A small conceptual mis-step of one degree can after many miles lead one far astray.
Irrational confidence necessarily means confidence that excludes data. It necessarily means deliberately ignoring reality. This type of thinking can not be applied only as required – it is a habit that will infect other habits, until you will be narcissistic in your world view – you will unconsciously avoid trains of thought that lead to a loss of esteem. You won’t be able to think clearly – even when you want to.
It is possible to have confidence without excluding reality. You can know your relative strengths and weaknesses, and know how much more attractive you would be if you were more confident, and you can put on some rational bluster and fake confidence. That does not exclude reality. That is rational confidence. You can rationally know how much your display of confidence in real life affects reality.
Reality respects us to the degree we respect it. Allegiance to truth wins out in the long game.
Update 2 from comments: Narcissists are charming, but can’t hold down relationships as sooner or later their bullshit is uncovered and they are revealed as shallow fakes. And when their masks are seen through they fly into a rage. There is even a name for that – it’s called “narcissistic rage”.
Narcissism is widely being deliberately taught as a seduction aid. Those advocating dark triad traits are damaged individuals causing social harm; they are harming the future happiness of our friends.
A narcissist will be incapable of thoughts that threaten to damage his self conception, and is capable of great evil. Narcissism is a horrendous and dangerous trait, and is not an aid to your life. It is something to root out from yourself at every possible opportunity.
A healthy ego and reality are good friends.
Update 3 from comments: Just to clarify I don’t think it’s problematic to seek and get validation, or to be proud of accomplishments.
I’m nit picking on one small detail. One little word. The word is “irrational”.
That one word can lead people astray. It can lead people to pushing into dim awareness or denying the non-confidence related attractive traits.
This will cause two long term problems:
1) People will neglect self improvement and so be unprepared for intimacy in older age.
2) People will develop poor mental habits, and give in to cognitive dissonance at every turn, choosing thoughts based on comfort, instead of truth.
These are serious issues. That stem from just one tiny little detail. That niggling little detail of one word. Irrational.
Seems trivial, but it’s not.
Update 4 from comments: Another point is that humor can be better than a blustery confidence. You can be honest about being ugly if you are funny. This is a type of humble/confidence that displays high social intelligence. It goes over well. You downplay your disadvantages, while being fully aware of them. You don’t have to deny them.
Whereas overconfidence can display low social intelligence, such as seen in the clueless dimwit pictured at the top of the post; the poster boy for being stupidly overconfident and how this damages how other people perceive his social intelligence and therefore mate-worthiness.
Update 5: Here is an example of RATIONAL self confidence.
When I go to a club, 99% of the time I’ll be the ugliest guy there. This has serious real world effects – it’s not a small thing. My girlfriends all considered me ugly (even the current curvy hottie live-in love-slave of three years who is 23 years younger than me) and many of them called me ugly to my face.
But here is what I do when I refer to my looks; I call myself handsome. INEVITABLY the girl will break out laughing. I keep a straight face. I can play it straight because it’s so absurd she knows I can’t possibly be serious.
The thing is to never show weaknesses as something that you dwell on or get depressed about, but still don’t deny them. Be socially intelligent, and respect her intelligence. Know that she’ll get turned on for hotter guys, know that she’d prefer a hotter face, if she could put it on your body. But also know that even with some big weaknesses you can develop compensatory strengths.
Confidence doesn’t have to be fake or about denying reality. You can have a pin point accurate rational mental map and still do well with women. In fact you can even get away with not being particularly confident-in-your-confidenty-confidence and still do very well – if you have compensatory traits that you are confident in, such as social intelligence and humor and sexual skills.
I’ve even heard it advocated to make fun of being nervous and shy during an initial meet, because that displays some social intelligence – you are acknowledging the awkwardness but are still willing to plow through it – you are willing to stay glued to the reality of the situation even when it’s uncomfortable, and acknowledge it, instead of pretending you are full of confidentiness, and doing that in itself forms a common bond between the two of you. “Yes, look at us, this is a bit uncomfortable, isn’t it – ha ha – we’re humans doing human things!”.
The honesty that clear thinking develops will help you in innumerable interpersonal ways. You’ll develop real, honest, interpersonal rapport. You’ll know and appreciate and understand her REAL thought processes. Honesty contains humor. Irrational confidence does not. Can not. Humor is built out of honesty.
People crave genuine connection. Genuine connection is built on understanding. If you deliberately try to not understand what the woman values, by being irrationally self confident and denying your weaknesses, you create a schism between you and the girl, between you and yourself. You take things so seriously that there is no room for laughter.
I mean, just look at the poster child up top. I chose that image to make the point emotionally. That guy is too stupid to laugh at himself. If he could laugh at his flaws, he’d be much more approachable, likable, and even sexy. He’s so wooden in his “confidence” that he parodies himself. Lighten up guy!
Flaws are part of what builds connection between people – it’s what we have in common. Being over confident is like not accepting your self with humor and humility, which will put off a vibe that you can’t really accept the girl either. It will just be a shallow dance where nothing touches – nobody makes any real connection or really touches anything – nobody is vulnerable at all.
Confidence is not the only trick in the bag, and if you over value it, you can harm your other tricks – harm your ability to think clearly, harm your sense of proportion, harm your sense of humor, harm your genuine empathy, harm your genuine connection to women, harm your chances at real human bonding.
Women have so many hooks in them. Not just one hook. There isn’t just a confidence hook. You can play a woman like a fiddle without ever once considering how confident or unconfident you are. You don’t have to ever even think about it.
I do best when I’m so captivated by the girl that I lose interest in myself entirely. Rather than try to boost self confidence, I become un-self-conscious. How confident I am has nothing to do with the equation. I just do what I do, and it’s all reality based. No augmented reality – just reality.
People like reality, if you like reality.
New term: rational-funny-humility-with-genuine-realistic-pride