Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

The one, final, universal secret to permanent happiness

Posted by xsplat on August 7, 2013

Well, there isn’t one, of course.

See, that’s the trick that the human brain is wired to perform on you. There are universals – all nervous systems are wired for avoidance and grasping, and it would be a good guess to say that all sentient beings want to avoid suffering and seek pleasure. Evolution is stubborn in that choice.

But that’s the sleight of hand trick, for us humans, who can think about thinking, and strategize and philosophize. Ok, now we have an aim; avoid suffering and establish security, harmony, group and individual pleasure.

Here is why it’s a trick, in one word; evolution. Evolution works on the principle of competing interests, and competing solutions. It works on the principle of niches. Wherever there is one solution, that automatically creates an alternate approach. Wherever you have one sexual strategy that can work, that automatically opens up a new niche for an alternate sexual strategy. Wherever you find low socio-sexual high pair bonding lifetime monogamy strategies and societies, you’ll open up the opportunities for prostitution and libertines.

So that’s one reason why there is no one method towards happiness – the world is composed of competing interests. Evolution is built into the physics of how the cosmos works – even atoms evolved, as did molecules, and so forth. There is no way out of competition.

But there are other reasons why there is no way out of suffering. No way to stop forever playing the game of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.

In a word: interdependence.

Independence is an illusion created by our clunky brain. Our human narrative constructs a “self”, which we consider stable, and is the hero of our story. It’s different than other selves. It’s a reasonable and useful generalization and mental map to have. A self. Evolution wants us to think that we have one. But it’s a clumsy concept, that falls apart whenever you look at it carefully.

But that knowledge won’t get you out of the “wheel of suffering”. Realizing that the self is an illusion won’t stop interdependence from being true. Your emotions and your health and your very physical survival are dependent on the actions of your environment – actions out of your control. You are interdependent, and nothing you can do with your mind will unplug you from that. No one can unplug from cause and effect.

But evolution was kind enough to us to give us common sense. Philosophy tends to make us reach out for impossible solutions, but common sense brings us back to common sense realities.

People get lonely. No amount of hermitage or meditation or navel gazing or magic incantations stop that from happening. There is no secret magic trick you can perform to stop you from getting lonely. You can’t “accept yourself” and stop being lonely.

You are interdependent. Your very hard wiring is constructed in a way that you can not change through sheer force of will, or through mental techniques and neuro-plastic reprogramming.

You do get lonely, and you will keep getting lonely.

You are part of a system. Your nervous system reacts to the world around you. You aren’t independent of it. You don’t have a self that you can unplug from the system.

So that’s why there is no final solution to happiness. Because we can’t fully control our environment, and our internal state is interdependent.

Interdependence is like death – no one wants to believe it. We prefer to construct an afterlife. We prefer to construct a soul. We want some self that is independent of life or death or food or sex – that can just be happy.

We don’t have one.

So it comes down to common sense; competing in the changing world by avoiding suffering and going after pleasure.

That game is unavoidable.

Ok, we can go through the stages of grief and accept that, and learn to be good at it.

Now, the Mark Minter affair of a guy who noticed that marriage was a bad deal and railed against it taught us all some good lessons.

It’s not enough to avoid suffering. It’s not enough to be a deconstructionist and point out the flaws in the marriage system. We also have to construct pleasure. We also have to be able to SUCCEED romantically. Anyone can be a movie critic – creating a movie is different thing. We are each creating our life movies – knowing what does not work will not create a successful movie.

I will take the next 5 or ten posts to explain something that seems to be invisible to so many people, but is blatant and staring in all of our faces obvious.

To succeed romantically you have to be romantically capable. You need skills at romance. Not just pick up skills. Pump and dump skills won’t give you romantic success.

Oh, and you can’t be happy with pump and dump. I mean, that’s a given and should be obvious, but I’m happy to debate the issue.

Humans are socially interdependent, and our basic psychological needs are, yes, pretty well universal.

We want intimacy. It’s easy to deny, but anyone offered pleasant intimacy with an attractive mate will accept it. The only reason anyone says he doesn’t want that is the sour-grapes reason. “Oh, I didn’t really want that job anyway”, said after being turned down after the interview. “Oh, I don’t really want a girl anyway, I WANT to go my own way”.

I will make the argument that it is possible to be expert at romance. That you can learn to be so good at it that your social interdependence becomes an overall pleasure. That you can win at the game that our nervous systems were evolved to thrust your illusory self into. You can win at the game of life satisfaction, especially through being successful at romance.

Readers – please push yourself to comment. Ideas come out of dialogue.

9 Responses to “The one, final, universal secret to permanent happiness”

  1. UCB said

    Great timing on this post. At least, for me personally.

    The only long-term key to happiness that I’ve been able to find is to have an appreciation for present circumstances while continually working towards improving them for the future. I’m starting to realize that nearly everything related to pickup and game is a dead end. As men, we ultimately have a responsibility to create and produce. Nothing is gained or produced in a one-night stand or in the hours wasted in bars, clubs, and lounges on the nights where we don’t hook-up. Even short-term relationships build only a very limited value, and most PUA and manosphere types go about relationships in ways that actually destroy their integrity and make things worse for the rest of us. Oppressive laws in the west have made marriage a risky proposition, but that doesn’t mean we can’t build value in other ways.

    I think the only true end-game for any man of value is Patriarchy. We are meant to be leaders of women and communities. We’ve experimented with the idea of delegating that responsibility to others — namely women and the state — and so far, NO ONE has been happy with the result. The next phase of my life will be devoted primarily to the building of social and business communities. For as much fun as seducing women is, it pales in comparison to what it feels like to seduce an entire community.

    BTW — if you haven’t seen it yet, Kumare is a must-see movie. It’s not all that interesting from a story-telling perspective, but I was still amazed at how much this guy could accomplish within a year based off of little more than a bit of clever marketing.

    • xsplat said

      Ya, that was a great movie.

      I’m also very interested in focusing on business and community. Trying to use both of those to further my relationship goals, but so far I still also need the usual ways to meet girls.

      It seems I’ve got solid LTR skills, and even fair seduction skills, but especially as I get older it’s going to take much more than even great pickup and LTR skills to maximize my relationship potential. Like you, I’m working on lifestyle and connections as the long term vision – and not just for women – those help with many things overall.

      That Kumar movie is worth a few more views. I’m also studying various other approaches to community building, with a focus on charismatic leadership.

      People really do need community, and sometimes communities are mis-directed, so the obvious thing to do would be to aim to lead some community building in the best directions that can be figured out.

      We’re starting here with just a small business oriented community. Got to tell you, it feels great. Business tasks are a great focus for guys.

  2. doclove said

    I’ve read your posts about Mark Minter. Although he is a hypocrite to his beliefs to never marry again after S Minter divorce raped him by marrying Kate, he probably had no better options so he married. His sister could still kick him out of her home so he could end up homeless, he wasn’t getting sex until he met Kate, he is in debt to the United States government Internal Revenue Service, he was and maybe still does have mental health issues, he is jobless and he can not pay child support. He got this way by marrying and impregnating S Minter who then divorced him leaving him in the state he is in now. As long as Mark Minter avoids domestic violence charges, impregnating Kate and then getting a divorce, it is difficult to see him doing worse and it looks like he will do better. Xplat is right in that this may be the best that Mark Minter can do in practical terms not theoretical terms. Bloggers Matt Forney and Dr. Illusion said similar things as Xplat about not getting angry over Mark Minter so Xplat is not alone in his assessments of Mark Minter although his perspective is unique and his own. Well done, Xplat!!!

    All heroes are flawed and subject to the same frailties as other humans because they are still HUMAN!!!. Sometimes they are not really heroes at all. You emulate their acts of heroism and do not worship through adoration heroes even though you may hold them in high esteem by praising them. Be prepared for you heroes to fall.

    I would like to add that Mark Minter is 58 and I’m 45. We are all victims to the ideology and era which we were raised to one degree or another. Men in his generation were raised to be more beta providers and beta defenders of women than men in my generation. Men in their 30s were raised to be more beta providers and beta defenders of women than men in their 40s, and men in their 20s were raised to be less of beta providers and beta defenders the least while I believe the current adolescent boys will be less so than the men in their 20s now. That said, you probably can not continue to do in your 30s what you did in your 20s, you probably can not do in your 40s what you did in your 30s and so on. Do you really want to be the old drunk man at the young 20 something adult bar or worse young 20 something adult night club? So of course as you get older what will most likely happen is the pump, dump and next sex is going to become tiresome, and you will probably want to get a woman and a relationship which is more permanent if not marriage. Even if you don’t, it will become harder to pump, dump and next women because of your age unless you have other compensating factors to make up for this so most likely you will either be alone or settle into more permanent relationships with women. Most men will want a more permanent relationship with a woman because it is the next level up. Noone can be happy forever and once you achieve your goal you will most likely set a higher goal or another one. Most men will never achieve such compensating factors. Sorry, pal, not everyone can be Hugh Hefner. Notice that Hugh Hefner got married for a 3rd time, and he could have gone on with unmarried harems by pumping, dumping and nexting women. Even Tucker Max is looking for a more permanent relationship with a woman. Both of these men have been through more beautiful women having sex with them than most any man out there, and event they want something more permanent. What does this tell you?

    • doclove said

      I meant to say men in their 30s were raised to be less of beta providers and beta defenders of women than men their 40s and I’m trying to correct my typo above. You could also say Mark Minter should have never married impregnated S Minter so his life would be better. Then maybe he would never feel the need to marry divorcee with child, Kate. However, let this be a lesson about getting married in the West particularly the USA and why it is usually a bad idea for a man. Mark Minter unlike many of his detractors simply ran out of good options and he is trying to choose the least bad of them. Some people never understand that for whatever the reason and whatever the season some people are more screwed than others. Sometimes it is their fault and sometimes it isn’t. I try to err on the side of mercy before making judgements if I make judgements. Remember the saying of “Except for the Grace of God, there go I.” Life is about making the best out of your options available and trying to be happy with it at the same time. Some people really don’t understand that not everyone has the same options. Some people really don’t understand that you can be happier if not happy even under dire circumstances, and you can be better and less miserable to those people around you if you want to do so.

  3. t said

    There are 2 sides to it. If you have ever met someone who is really happy or content with their life, there is usually one of 2 factors in play.

    1- They have ambition/ vision / goals. Something larger than themselves. This pursuit gives them a positive energy.


    2 – They are grateful/content/satisfied with what they have. This could either be because they are comfortable or that they know it could be worse, or both. A coworker was telling me how he grew up in a small town, his father grew up there too and when the father was in high school, the guidance counselor said he had a lot of potential, but he just wanted to drive a cement truck like his own father. And that’s what he did. And now he’s retired, and living comfortably, nothing extravagant, but he is content rather than miserable. Or, there are examples of people from war-torn countries or other places, and they are just grateful to have a normal life, even if it seems boring.

    Now, neither of the factors I mentioned include women, because I was trying to look at it from things within yourself.

    I am working on both of the above, having a vision, building sustainable businesses, getting involved with philanthropic initiatives. The second part is what I am having trouble with. I get inside my head too much and sometimes it is very hard to stay in the present moment.

    Having a woman that would support and enhance that life would definitely contribute significantly to that happiness. Sometimes that becomes the primary focus, but its not always in your control. In this regard, I read your writing along with other resources, to get a better understanding of LTR and female psychology.

  4. YouSoWould said

    I agree entirely.

    Although the fact that interdependence is an inescapable fact of life, we can however do all that is within our power to minimse the chance that is has to disrput our happiness, and in fact use it to our advantage.

    Improve yourself physically in order to maximise your chances of attracting and keeping a high quality mate, and to be able to get another one should that opportunity not work out. Study social dynamics, or “game”, for the same purpose.
    Study meditation in order to gain greater acceptance of yourself, thereby increasing your overall happiness.
    Create wealth, in order than you might enjoy the luxuries of life, and be able to provide for a high quality mate.

    The list goes on. Even though doing all of these things doesn’t remove the chance that we will get shat on from an almighty height, it ensures that the recovery period will be short, and grants us the ability to resume very quickly at the same level we left off. I consider religious adherence to self-improvement practises as an insurance policy against life.

  5. Renfrew said

    I like this interdependence notion a lot; I find it both liberating and inspiring; it makes me want to do more, not less, knowing I’m [kind of] responsible for nothing, and everything, at the same time.

    Scrunching my brain now trying to recall something Ken Wilber said in an interview…. As best I can piece it together, it was very much like: “Nothing we do makes a difference, and that’s WHY we must do everything we can to make a difference.” Those words aren’t quite right, but they capture the apparent paradox he seemed to me at the time to be elucidating…which I didn’t grasp then, but which I now suspect was something close to an expression of the fundamentality interdependence. I do remember this, though, vividly: whatever his exact words were, he was emphatic, kind of pounding on the table going “this is the key to it all, folks!” in a far less hedging or nuanced way than he usually does…that’s why my ears pricked up.

    Funnily enough, my own early insights into interdependence as a bottom-line fact of nature came five or ten years ago when contemplating mundane economics. I have a background in conservatism and libertarianism, worldviews whose adherents are often heard to say things like “I made X dollars last year…that money is MINE…no one else has any right to it.” While it turns out — pretty much by coincidence, significantly — that there is *some* economic sense to society acting AS IF this were somewhat true (that’s my personal view, anyway), that particular string of words can only be uttered by someone with a not very robust map of reality.

    Because, respectfully, *you* did NOT “make X dollars last year,” except in purely colloquial terms. What REALLY happened, clearly (by which I mean: it is plain as day if you stop to think about it), is this: you have interacted with your environment over the course of your lifetime thus far in such a way that X dollars fell into your hands last year.

    In other words, on the one hand, you had everything to do with it; on the other, you had nothing to do with it.

    NBsub1: if reading that makes you instinctively want to debate the finer points of political economy, then you have likely missed my point; please try re-reading it.

    NBsub2: I sense there is something VERY different about a truly interdependent understanding and an understanding that goes “Oh, well, yeah *I* did this and this…I was very clever, you know…made some fabulous decisions…but I also had a lot of luck, obviously…the market was good, and I’m grateful to my family, bla bla bla.” The latter perspective is superior to the “it was all me, go jump in a lake” perspective, but still strikes me as a perilously frail grasp (i.e., poor map) of reality that attempts to embrace a false dichotomy….

    Ah-ha!: As Kevin Nealon would have put it in the old SNL Weekend Update skit, “I guess that’s what I’m really trying to say”: the notion of interdependence obviates the false dichotomy between self and environment. Yes, Self and Environment exist as discrete concepts, but nonetheless are wisely viewed and skilfully navigated not as SEPARATE phenomena but as INTERDEPENDENT phenomena. Because INTERDEPENDENCE transcends and includes SEPARATENESS it is thus more robust and holistic (thanks, Ken), and so operating based on the truth of interdependence rather than the truth of separateness should yield superior results for all and sundry.

    (Whew…. Well, Xsplat, you did say “Readers please push yourselves to comment”!)

  6. Hunter said

    I’m at a point in my life where, although I have social interaction almost every day, I enjoy time by myself. Lonely? rarely. Being an introvert always means that there will be some disconnection from the system. Yes you CAN unplug, and plug back in. Wanting Intimacy? During my teens & twenties, yes. Now in my forties, no. I’ve seen many instances where men only had a finite amount of energy to purse women & intimacy. After 30 or so, they realize that’s not going to happen, so they create a life where they pursue their interest & passions that exclude women & intimacy. Given the looks, attitudes and behavior of the majority of women (in America) today, there’s no incentive to pursue intimacy as much as gather with friends. It’s not so much wanting to go you own way as much as its the best option given the current culture.

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