I get debilitating bouts of stomach and generalized inflamation. Along with that comes some chronic fatigue like symptoms, and I’ll let myself miss a week or more of going to the gym, and when the bouts come frequently for a month or two my arms turn to pencils. The generalized inflamation can affect the nerves, such that I’m slightly numb. The tip of my nose and dick will also get cold, the libido will drop precipitously, and along with a lack of interest in sex I’ll have a dramatically lower performance. I’ll just let the girl ride on the top for a while.

My relationship with the live in has passed it’s sell by date. She bores me to tears and every thing she says is irritating. She’s tolerable when silent and beneficial when doing errands.

I have plans to fix the health problems, but they require some big bucks, and that’s one reason I work as many hours as possible each day towards getting stupid filthy amorally rich.

The reason I write all this is not just to share a public diary. This contrast in my life is a valuable lesson to me, and maybe someone else might find value too.

So, I finally felt good enough to go to the gym last night. What a contrast. The gym has a heavy bag and a double ended bag. Although this inspired some body memory of manly feelings, I got winded easily, and lacked force. I had to start back in on lighter weights, and didn’t get that satisfying feel of energetic power pushing heavy things, but boy did it feel good to use my body again.

And then this morning I only woke up to moderate stomach pains, and can eat without immediately being put to sleep by leaky gut and inflamation knocking me out. So I was reminded of Chi-kung. Reminded again of feeling powerful, feeling embodied, feeling happy BEING present.

Oh, and I got off my ass and blended some peptides with sterile water for injection again last night. This is a necessary corrective to hormonal imbalances. Growth hormone inducing stuff; CJC-1295 and GHRP-6. And I’m going to get back on the test cream. This inflamation seriously messes with my hormones, as does laying supine all day pattering on the keyboard.

So it’s back to the cycle towards getting off my ass, being active, raising T, feeling embodied. I should probably write more here of how embodying each way of being feels and affects a persons life – that was meant to be the purpose of the post. I’ll leave that to your imagination for now. But to help I’ll leave you with this image: two nights ago our compound overheard an energetic and exuberant woman scream and moan exstatically for hours on end. I was not aroused enough by this to fuck my girl.