Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

The paradox of selfishness

Posted by xsplat on December 4, 2012

Women love selfish men more.

This confounds good hearted men. They want to love and love deeply. They want to give to their woman, and their family. To share a deep and lifelong bond.

But the women keep taking advantage of kindness, work to gain hand in the relationship, relegate the man to his garage man cave (otherwise known as his servants quarters) and then leave the guy for the bad-boy play-boy banker or biker.

You have to be cruel to be kind. You have to treat em mean to keep em keen. If you really want to make them happy, you have to put yourself first. It’s the only way she’ll respect you, and without respect she can never love you.

Long time and respected commentor T writes:

For example, the whole incident you, xsplat, had with that girl who had the psychotic breakdown and ended up in an institution. You often mention it with pride, that she loved you so much that she went crazy. That she cried to sleep everyday. Although you never make that point overtly, it almost seems like you are encouraging others to do the same. But many men cannot live with the idea that they may have ruined someone’s life like that. Of course, this often balances out with the other stories of you paying a girls expenses even after breaking up until she can stand on her feet.

There are two things happening here, you are talking about making a girl fall for you, whereas this asdf guy is asking, at what cost to everyone else.

Like I said, it is hard to make that kind of argument in this blog because the blog itself is intended at a hedonistic mindset, whereas the argument comes from an altruistic one.

To which I responded :

I hear what you are saying that sometimes girls get heart broken. I’m not sure if I’ve broken hearts more than my heart has been broken. Often times there is little heartbreak. Sometimes it is very deep. That’s just an inevitable part of dating, as far as I can see it.

And when dating is replaced by marriage, it usually winds up that you either merely delay the heartbreak, or replace it with boredom, frustration, and quiet desparation.

I understand that I’m likely to be biased, and would prefer not to see my actions as detrimental, so I’d accept the data of what the girls say. Do they regret having been close with me? Mostly not. Only one girl later had misgivings. Mostly I hear a lot of gratitude, even so much as “just to know that there is someone in the world like you”. Or that I opened up their sex life, and thus vastly improved their life. They say good things, years after. They thank me.

So I don’t see that the heartbreak that I receive or give is a negative. That’s just how dating works, and overall, dating is a positive. At least the way I do it feels that way, and I’m told that it is.

I can see how the me-first approach to dating might come across as a me-only approach. But the style of dating that I put forth has a large element of romance to it. There is love, affection, appreciation. But all on the mans terms. So you have to pay closer attention to notice that there is a difference between a me-only approach and a me-first approach. The woman is the daughter, the man the Daddy – care is built into the dynamic.


When a guy puts himself first, the relationship is on his terms. His house becomes his space, and the woman is a guest. A guest who is free to leave if she is not happy. Paradoxically, this lessening of concern for the woman makes her happier. Makes the both of you happier.

I was married once, and the wife insisted that she owned the kitchen. I thought that was a radical thing for a feminist to say, but didn’t fight her on it.

We didn’t have a TV back then, but if we did we would have chosen what to watch by consensus. And by consensus I mean that if she wasn’t pleased with the show I would have “compromised”.

I had my office, and later invested in a school bus that I was going to convert into a man cave.

I was often unhappy and found her to often be an oppressive, nagging, and bullying presence. “Get with the program” was her favorite saying.

I was 24 and doing my best. And to me at the time that meant trying to get along and baby sit her hysterical mind and trying to maintain some sanity in the house.

Flash forward to today. I own the remote, and watch whatever the hell I want, when I want. All of the house is mine. Every inch of it. My live in companions are guests, no matter how much tenure they have accumulated. I let the girl have a favored side of the bed, and I’ll allow her to place decorations and photos here and there, but that’s as far as it goes. My whole house is my man cave. The girl adjusts to it – I don’t adjust to her. And if the girl tries to throw around moods I tell her to get out of my house. No moods allowed. There has been no nagging in my life for a long time – since I was married, I think. It’s not tolerated, and is abruptly cut off with a “don’t nag me”, even for speech that just infringes on nagging territory.

I live well and easily with women – there is very little conflict, and the house is usually pleasant and harmonious – loving, even. Yes, I’d say quite loving. I’m used to that, and I know how to create it. It’s easy now.

But it’s MY house. My house, my rules. There is no “our” in mine.

13 Responses to “The paradox of selfishness”

  1. Men love idealistically, women love opportunistically.

  2. Hero said

    “But many men cannot live with the idea that they may have ruined someone’s life like that.”

    These guys are not thinking of the woman’s perspective. They are basing a woman’s satisfaction in the relationship on their own benchmarks for happiness.

    Women are not like men! Open your eyes and watch their behavior. Stop thinking about them as though they are men.

    A woman will always be happier to have felt something than nothing. A woman in love and crying her eyes out is much better off that one that is lonely and detached.

    A woman will thank you for allowing her to fall in love with you and she will remember you with joy because you made her feel something deeply.

    • t said

      Good point. Yes I have read in a lot of places that a woman would rather feel heartbreak or other negative than not feel anything.

      That’s why when everythings fine they will create drama over nothing.

  3. David Alexander said

    This is true.

    And if you ever feel like a lazy manboob who “loses an argument” just to please your wife, open your fucking eye
    quickly remind yourself that nature abbhors a vacuum, and there is a vacuum of power. Quickly remind yourself of your flaws, your strengths, her flaws, her strengths.
    xsplat was right on the money when he said ‘whatever drama, she dishes you.. hit her back with a MORE extreme version.”
    Now think to yourself..
    If there was a leadership position: who would best fit the role. Who is wiser? Who is stronger? who is fairer? Who uses less hotwords, less “we’s” in reference to myself, less emotional blackmail techniques, less bpd, less irrational temper tantrums, more concern for important things etc. etc.

    That’s right.. YOU. Average, old You. you look in the mirror and you look at her and you gaze at her with eyes of lust and damn she blows you out of the water in the physical department… But in matters of exercising leadership, intellectual ability and “integrity” (so to speak), you’ve been raised far her suprior.

    “We need to talk” therapy and . Said over and over again.
    Think of it this way:
    Lose your pride, get more headaches, have her walk out on your ass, lose whatever cash or leverage she wants out of you and be seen as a weak loser.

    Break things up, control the frame, leave in adherence to your mission and have her whining about “omg he’s so fukking stubborn he’ll die alone” while sheh tingles at your stalwartness.

    The answer is really goddamn simple and needs to be readdressed in the West. Doms and Dictators and Badboys continue to absolutely own women through their own vajinas.

    She needs to submit and she needs to feel afraid to respect you and consequentially desire you. SHE aBSOLUTELY NEEds TO SUBMIT.
    There needs to be a healthy fear in the building UNLESS your woman is hypermasculine (Ayn Rand or girlwriteswhat) and submits to someone with reason.

    if you’re a good man.. do it for the sake of Compassion.
    Do it for your beloved brothers, for they Understand Fairness, Liberty, Fraternity, Altruistic Reciprocity etc.
    Do it for hte poor.

    When you’re in the world of women, you’re in a fresh, new world.
    – a world where the less you like her, the more she loves you
    – a world where she surrenders to you only when she sees there’s more to come
    – a world where confessions of your feewings and explication and acts of kindness are more hurtful than halpeful
    – a world where the meaner you are the nicer she becomes
    – a world where the less you give, the more you take, the more she gives, the less she takes

  4. Snoeperd said

    So why would she love you more if you are selfish?

    • Theophilus said

      It has been well established that women love selfish men more. Go to Heartiste to see a number of scientific studies about that, and also explanations for why it’s like that.

    • xsplat said

      Men have been aggregating their common experiences and documenting them for hundreds and even thousands of years, and now in the age of the internet we do group science through anecdotes. We test our premises against experiences and compare amongst a community of peers. The cause and effect of being selfish is by now firmly established, as is the cause and effect of being meek and humble and giving and overly forgiving.

      And we have scatterings of scientific studies that support our codified experiences. It is known that women are more attracted to men with higher than average testosterone. It’s also well studied that testosterone makes men more selfish.

      The sad thing is that this knowledge is not well known, and even for those that know it it is not deeply internalized. Many, if not most guys with some red pill knowledge still don’t believe that they can sustain pleasurable loving and passionate relationships with women.

      People take half a pill. They learn that women are not men, and then conclude that women aren’t worth the bother. Instead they could swallow the whole pill, continue their full schooling, and learn how to use women such that they are worth every bit of bother and more.

      It’s just like dog or horse ownership. Guys are complaining that their mates shit and piss everywhere and are bitches and nags, but they take no responsibility for not having learned the finer arts of animal control. The basis of which is dominance.

      In my house I don’t even eat a meal with my girls. They prepare a meal for me, give it to me, and I eat it. Later she’ll prepare a separate meal for herself.

      Does the lead wolf or lion wait politely for others to join him at the table? No, he is first. Unless he makes a show of being first, he risks losing his position as the dominant leader. Be selfish, and be obviously selfish. Be selfish for the point of being selfish.

      I make my selfishness a joke – something I do light heartedly. But when the girl asks me to hold her purse, I’ll either laugh, or take it and immediately put it on the floor. And yet when we clothes shop I’ll hand her my purchases to lug around, as long as they are light weight. When grocery shopping I’ll lug the most weight, but make sure she is carrying a decent load. And on and on. I’m the guy who apportions her her labors, and I eat first and am considered first. She is second. Being second to me is a pretty good place to be. Better than being first to herself.

      Regarding the girl cooking separate meals, they seem to take this on themselves naturally. Putting my needs first. They don’t seem interested in eating what I order for my menu, and have internalized that serving me is a duty that makes them feel good – is an expression of heartfelt emotional devotion. They eagerly ask for orders for what do I want to eat, eagerly serve, and eagerly await for praise for the food. Her eating is not considered a communal affair, any more than mine is. What is communal is our appreciation for her service. It’s ritual. A ritual act of devotion. A ritual we perform with reverence, every day, that fills our humble home with love.

      Sometimes she’ll express her love by asking “what do you want for breakfast?”, and sometimes I’ll express mine with a terse “Wake up. Go make me breakfast”.

      The selfishness and the command have in it a sense of humor, and love. It’s not even quite in the voice, or body language, but somehow it’s contextual. When I give a command, I’m saying “do my bidding, and by doing so be a part of my world, and be cherished and appreciated by me, and express your heart well”. And that’s how the women take it. That’s what they hear, and that’s what they do.

      “Make me a sandwich” is a ritual expression of devoted care for each other. And of course I do more labor overall each day than she does, and earn all the money. The division of labor falls in her favor.

      And I give some small financial appreciation for her full time works, as every woman has some financial needs, even if you are paying for all her food and clothes. Her family can get sick, she’ll want to invest in some businesses for her future. She’ll want to save up for a status cell phone. Her brother will have a business to invest in. Her parents will get sick. If she is going to work full time for me, she will naturally weigh that option against her other options. What salary would she get working for some other boss? For some other suitor? You can give a woman no salary at all – that’s what I usually did until recently – but if you have the money and would never notice it missing, it is just and fair and appropriate and for your personal advantage to give her some. Some modest amount. Even if it is a terribly stingy amount, that all her family and friends complain is way below her worth. Just something useful.

      And then if you leave her, remember that her best years of her life actually have a financial value to them. Keep her in food and a place to stay until she settles on the next suitor. Because what you have done is to make her a professional house wife. Which is a very good and honorable profession. And one that we should respect, and respect financially. Her job as a woman is to be a woman, and so our job as a man must be to take care of her all the way through until the next man takes up that job. Or at least until she is self supporting in some other way.

      Being the me first leader also means that your 2nd is 2nd. So she must be considered well.

      When I fucked my girl last night, even though I’ve been fucking her for over two years now, over 1 1/2 of that just with her, there is no sign of boredom. It’s fresh every time, and if anything the passion is just growing. Every day in some way she seems closer to me, and more worth fucking. She came and came and came until she was begging me to stop, and then promptly passed out after I withdrew. As she was coming I felt a sexual union – our energies mixed, and it was not just sexual energies, but also romantic energies. Sometimes when I’m fucking her I’ll have visions of her walking out and about with me in the mall, or visions of that time I visited her Lilliput village during a street celebration and she paraded with me in the street for all to see – her the stand out obvious village beauty, and me the white skinned Bule. The kid is in many ways useless – like for conversation, for instance, but I put her to use as a good manager should and make her useful to my organization. She has found a place here, a place and a purpose, and I always find a way to shut out everything that is negative to me and focus on how she is of service. And so my heart can well up fresh every day with love and appreciation.

      When she is coming and coming on my dick, that is the core of our relationship, right there. That sets the tone and the mood for everything that follows. I’m commanding her when she is coming, and I’m commanding her throughout the day, and she is receptive to my command and even thrills to it.

      It’s all a ritual.

      • Phedre said

        I love how you describe the cooking/fucking as ritual. I see this missing from all the comments of western guys like over at Rollo’s, when they ask ‘what is the point of LTRs except easy, regular sex?’

        As understanding and appreciation of ritual has died in western culture on every other level, so it has in relationships, and people no longer know its vast pleasure and vast power.

        My parents raised me with a strong appreciation for ritual and it has taken me YEARS to teach/show my man its power. He was raised and lived all his life utterly without it. Now that we finally have it well established (the breakfast thing seems to be particularly potent, for some reason) I have seen his happiness and confidence veritably blossom. It turbofuels both of us in our respective activities when we are apart and makes our union ecstatic when we are together.

        Truly a magical force, and I pity all those who don’t have it.

  5. rivsdiary said

    “If you really want to make her happy, you have to put yourself first. It’s the only way she’ll respect you, and without respect she can never love you.”

    this post goes directly into the hall of fame. thanks for the reminder that I COME FIRST.


  6. rivsdiary said

    holy shit, the follow up comment is HOF material too. xsplat you are on fire. brilliant writing.

  7. rivsdiary said

    “When I give a command, I’m saying “do my bidding, and by doing so be a part of my world, and be cherished and appreciated by me, and express your heart well”. “

  8. […] -oh yeah, i startled her when i #yadstopped her, but i kept on going, and then i waited for her to hang up with her mom, and didn’t apologize. it was hard for me not to apologize there, cause i felt so rude, but hey, like xsplat says, girls love selfish men. […]

  9. […] The paradox of selfishness December 4, 2012 link […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 158 other followers

%d bloggers like this: