Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

Don’t forget to be abusive

Posted by xsplat on August 22, 2012

Ok, that’s shameless polemic, designed to draw you in. But it’s still true.

Don’t forget to occasionally be abusive.

But now we’re either going to have to redefine what is abusive, so that it’s now a good thing, or change our internal conception of what is and is not good. Because nobody wants to deliberately do bad things.

It’s a fact that many women don’t take their man seriously until he has hit her. How can she know that he loves her otherwise? Don’t blame me for female logic – I’m not the inventor of this world. It isn’t just some odd pathology that only occurs to low class women with gang affiliations. Women fall in love with you more if you abuse them.

I’m not advocating hitting. Not in this post anyway – that would require a more in depth post.

I have a fierce temper, and I’ve long said that this can be an advantage. While everyone seems to think that being emotionally immovable is the way to go, my experience is the opposite; balanced intensity is addictive. Intense passionate loving intimacy, and intense fierce anger. Balanced with whatever else is in your cookbook; your cool James Bond vibe, companionate silence, busy with your business, into your sports and art, frisky romance, out of communication. A full robust balance that as a painting has a joyful vibe, but is heavy in contrast with plenty of deep shadows and pure colors.

In my case I’d suspect the hot temper came about from many years of heavy drinking. I heard that’s a common characteristic of heavy and even formerly heavy drinkers. You lose some emotional moderation and can become a bit of a hot head. In terms of attraction, that seems to only help.

Sober for over three years now, so if the dry-drunk theory is true, it’s a lasting effect.

I just tried to look up info on what’s meant by a “dry drunk”, and only found a bunch of AA psycho babble. However there is plenty of research on effects to the brain from alcohol, especially repeated binge drinking. The amygdala is involved. A messed up amygdala hampers the ability to form long term memories and alters emotional regulation. Some people become quick to anger.

This would seem to be different than the constant burning rage that is described by those with the anger gene variant. Its more like everything can be peachy fine until something sets you off, and then WHAM! From zero to 100 anger. Fierce.

Now I know a lot of guys can only interpret that as a negative. A lack of control. A sign of weakness even. That’s not how the women seem to interpret it. And although I’m biased, it’s not how I do either. You get used to it, and feel in control. It’s just intense.

Back in the drinking days, sometimes I’d wake up cranky, thinking about some useless shit the girl I was living with had stirred up. I would just rail into her. Just go on and on at her, telling her why she sucked.

She’d later tell me that she really liked it.

And I’ve verbally abused plenty of other girls. The long term effect was always positive.

I’m still using the word abuse here, as I believe polemic is still called for. We fear telling a girl off, because we want to be nice. I’m using a strong emotionally laden term to let you know to use strong emotions.

Don’t be nice. Not all the time.

Girls don’t respect themselves. I don’t care how high her self esteem is – it’s not about that. If she’s a girl, she doesn’t respect herself. No matter what she says. If you respect them, they’ll think you are just being weak, blind, or stupid. Or worse for a man; that you are naive. Sometimes you’ve got to give them a piece of your mind – tell them every last fault. Go on and on about why you are just about to leave them, why other girls are better, all the reasons they suck.

Then they’ll respect you. Treat you like a man. Try to do better.

I’m going to leave this here. This post is one of those self secret things. Either you’ll understand it because you already knew this from experience, or you won’t understand it because you don’t yet have that experience. You probably won’t believe it, and will even think this is some seriously fucked up shit that only works on seriously fucked up women.

I almost wish I lived in that world again. But no, women need abuse in order to respect you and take you seriously. To feel that you understand them. And love them. And can take care of them out of a position of strength.

And before they do that they’ll never give you their heart, body and soul completely.

Unless you abuse them they will never trust you.

But of course you also have to love them. Otherwise why would you bother?

Update: A few of my favorite girls needed only occasional abuse. Just enough to get the point. It’s often been a huge turning point in the relationship, with a drastic improvement in affection.

Other girls are more problematic and actually feed off of negative attention, so you have to be wary of not fostering and feeding an adrenaline addiction. In that case the next step up on the intensity scale from fierce anger is temporary abandonment. Those girls need regular re-evaluation, and may need to be flunked out of school.

Update 2: I’m not suggesting that you fake anger, or that you create fake drama. The way I see it, if the girl isn’t occasionally crossing the line, either you are both very happy and everything is already going swimmingly, or you don’t have a line. It’s better to be touchy about your line than permissive.

Without strong boundaries you can’t afford to show strong affection.

26 Responses to “Don’t forget to be abusive”

  1. Theophilus said

    This is certainly true. She does need to feel your strength once in a while.
    As I’m far too phlegmatic to go full-on rage, any girl that needs more than the occasional spanking sooner or later gets dropped by the wayside.

  2. krautz05 said

    Baaaahhh. Hopefully the more intelligent and secure the girl is, the more subtle you can be about this. I’m not one for temper tantrums.

    • xsplat said

      Well, share your experience then.

      Have you had an intelligent and secure long term girlfriend who didn’t try walk all over your boundaries for fun and profit? And did she adore you with her all her heart body and soul?

      Hopefully doesn’t sound like a very hopeful word to me. How about realistically?

      My experience is that women need to be dominated. They need it, and won’t respect you unless you do so. And pretty well all of them need extreme displays of dominance. Not all the time, but enough that they get the point. It’s not pretty, but it is.

      If your experience is different, I’d love to hear of it.

      My favorite girl – the one who died a few years back – very rarely needed any sort of correction.

      But there was one time when I had to give it to her, and give it to her hard. That was (unsurprisingly) the exact moment she decided to give me her whole heart.

      Women are kind of disgusting like that. Honestly, they need abuse. It’s not pretty. It just is. Or don’t call it abuse – call it firm dominant authoritarian discipline. Call it firm enforcement of boundaries.

      But to most of us men starting out, it’s going to at first FEEL like we are being abusive. Later, you’ll just feel like you are being the man of the house, laying down the law, and keeping the woman respecting the house rules.

      They are not equal beings, and we are not in a “partnership” with them. We are the CEO, and they are our underlings. They are our children.

      A child can not respect a parent who does not discipline them.

      Now, some parents can parent fine without spanking. Some rarely even raise their voice. That’s not exactly the point. The point is be the boss in a way that gets no back talk. If the child is talking back to their parents, their parents are doing it wrong.

      Same for women.

      They absolutely require a firm hand, and they need strong reasons to not cross your boundaries. It can’t be a wishy washy setup, where you hope she’s a good person and that will take care of it.

      I hear guys complain all the time about the state of women. But have they really taken the appropriate corrective measures? If you have two children, one who is obedient, and the other unruly, have you done everything in your power to bring the unruly child fully into the family fold of following the house rules? Have you escalated your reprimands and negative consequences up, step by step, to a point where they are effective? Are you giving balanced positive re-enforcement? It’s the child who demands what they require in terms of discipline, but it’s the parent who has sole responsibility to do whatever it takes to get the job done.

      Men give up. They don’t want the responsibility. It’s too much work. Too emotionally taxing. Too much drama.

      Fine. Then don’t complain when the woman isn’t head over heels in love and devoted and doting then.

      This IS the recipe. There is no shortcut or way to sidestep the drama, and still get an obedient woman who carries you in the center of her heart. They are wild animals that need to be tamed. You can’t buy them off the shelf ready assembled.

      And when you move on to the next low maintainance low drama woman, if you still haven’t learned how to tame a wild horse, you’ll just be coasting on tepid and bland companionship. Without passion. When you heat a woman up, shit comes up. You get a bubbling cauldron of blood and gory guts. Drama is inevitable.

      Otherwise they don’t really care much about you.

      And that’s what a lot of guys seem to want. To flit between flowers without making much of an impact or connection. To avoid pain by not caring about their girl or having her care about you.

      When she really loves you, shit will come up. And for me, making her and keeping her deeeeeeeply deeeply obsessed in love is all of the fun. Day by day hour by hour, that’s all of the fun.

      It’s a job. It takes practice, and you have to build up all the required muscles and stamina.

      The tolerance for drama does, believe it or not, grow with experience. Just like a brick layer gets big arms, the serial monogamist grows a strong tolerance for drama. He’ll cause it when he has to. Rather than let his walls fall down, he builds them strong, and keeps em strong.

      It’s a dirty little secret, but now it’s an open secret. Women need to be emotionally abducted. You need to capture her. Don’t expect to woo her and thereby get her aquiescence. It doesn’t work like that. Believe me. You have to steal them. As if you rode up on a horse and abducted her from her village. Only when she really trusts you to fully dominate her will she give over to you ALL of her heart. You’ll never really know love if you don’t know discipline.

      I know, this is very bitter red pill stuff, and I’m trying to even exaggerate how unpallatable it is, because I want the readers to deeply feel how these ideas conflict with their current notions.

      Women are not what we thought they were.

      If you understand what they are, you can have the power to make beautiful young women fall in love with you and be your devoted full time servants even if you are twice their age and old and balding and ugly. You’ll be able to do it repeatedly, year after year, with many different girls.

      Is this too big a price to pay?

      A lot of men don’t realize this, but women know that men hate drama, and will use drama as their weapon to get their way. A man must grow an even stronger tolerance for drama than the girl has. If she’s giving you drama at volume 4, you’ve got to be able to give it back to her at 6. And then 7, and then 8 – at whatever level she is no longer comfortable with. Until her drama fest turns around on her and brings the power and control away from her and over to you.

      If you can’t do that, you’ll never have hand in the relationship. Because she will always have that trump card to play. Drama.

      • Boss said

        Xaplat… your growing into of my fav bloggers…. “They are wild animals that need to be tamed. You can’t buy them off the shelf ready assembled.” …..PURE FUCKING GOLD RIGHT HERE… My father told me from the get go “I had to train your mother. She wasn;t like this before I met her but I molded and trained her into the women I wanted her to be” . My mom waits on him hand and foot. I think MOST PUA/MANOSPHERE think that women already come pre assembled. Ready and equipped… WRONGGGG….YOU NEED TO TRAIN THEM HOW YOU WANT TO BE. Most guys dont have that mindset to put this into action. You and my father are certainly one of them. I think there needs to be more posts about molding your women into the women you want her to be….

      • Boss said

        With this power you can turn her into a servant, I can fully testify, my mom is my dads servant. She makes his bed, cooks his meals, gets him drinks, iron his shirts, the whole nine… and all the while I’m laughing inside saying” dam, he has her on lock” I’m guessing this is where the cookbook comes into play… great stuff man

      • Boss said

        One more thing… “A man must grow an even stronger tolerance for drama than the girl has. If she’s giving you drama at volume 4, you’ve got to be able to give it back to her at 6. And then 7, and then 8” …. This is so true. Know I understand.. When my mom gives drama at like a 3, my dad LOVES DRAMA and takes that shit to a 11. Crushing her hamster wheel and she becomes defenseless. Makes fucking sense… dammm

      • t said

        You mention that men give up. There are probably a few reasons for this. One would be their lack of patience and perseverance and they don’t understand that it takes some work and patience. And the other simply that they get tired. You are coming from a perspective of where the man makes a living. If the man is still in a stage where he is working very hard at his job or business, coming home and dealing with drama is probably too much for most men, and they don’t realize that they need to also work on their relationship.

        This is part of the reason I asked about your lifestyle with regards to health, how do you get the energy to work both on your business and on the girl and not get mentally and emotionally drained?

      • xsplat said

        I think men give up for one fundamental reason. We think that women deserve free will. We think that if they behave improperly, it means they are bad people.

        We don’t want to take responsibility for them, in the same way we do our pets and children.

        Mostly our women should give us energy, love, affection and joy. Occasional drama is necessary, but it’s not the default condition.

        I work from home, and live full time with my girls. It usually works out well – even 24/7 company. This latest one has issues, mostly related to jealousy, and so I’ll have to travel soon, but mostly she supports my life rather than drains it.

  3. Boss said

    I’m taken back. I really am. You can go searching for pussy all across the world. But finding a women and training her into the women you want her to become is true gold. Easier said than done though

  4. t said

    Like you said, a lot of people who don’t have the experience in dealing with this the right way will not understand about how to go about creating drama without some specific examples. This can range from emotional, verbal, and physical. And it all depends on what is needed.

  5. rivsdiary said

    killer post. very, very deep. the feminine is instinctively masochistic. like you said, if she feels that you “understand” this part of her, by punishing her for it, she will love you even more.

    HOF post.

  6. rivsdiary said

    your additional comment is even more brilliant.

    • xsplat said

      Thank you. It’s positive feedback like this that inspires me to keep blogging.

      • rivsdiary said


        i was blogging a lot for a while, then stopped, then started again, and it’s reading amazing posts like this which makes me fucking love the manosphere.

        gonna make it a point to go through your archives.

        this post is so good, i can almost see it being added to roissy’s 16, as #17:

        know when to smack your bitch, she will love you for it.

      • xsplat said

        It’s a very difficult message to convey. I understand that many people will have a negative emotional reaction to it, which will make it difficult to hear.

        So my plan was to start with this shock to the system. At least people will know what it is they are agreeing or disagreeing with, because the strong emotional response will highlight something. Later I’ll have to repeat the message in twenty different ways, some of which will be in language that is more socially acceptable and fits in more with a common view of civil human relations.

        I wouldn’t be surprised if this post would be enough to permanently turn away some readers. But slowly, step by step, inch by inch, these hard truths can be learned in a way that is beneficial and helps the man in his relationships. And helps the woman too.

        There was a time when such knowledge was the unspoken common knowledge of the culture. “Treat em mean to keep em keen”. Nowadays it’s seen as a throwback to the bad old patriarchal days, when men made the rules of the house and women were obedient. Nowadays no one is teaching this, and culture is vigilantly active in suppressing this knowledge.

  7. rivsdiary said


    “Treat em mean to keep em keen”.

    this is perfect.

    “I wouldn’t be surprised if this post would be enough to permanently turn away some readers.”

    yeah, i can see that.

    for me, it’s the opposite.

    like i said, a hall of fame post.

  8. rivsdiary said

    Xsplat, are you on twitter? I tweeted about your post.

  9. Hero said


    Xsplat, I’ve been following your blog and comments on Heartiste and RationalMale for some time. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insight.

    I went through an episode with my wife over a year ago that caused me to look carefully at the effectiveness of my actions. One of the determinations I made was that my own success in controlling my temper did not lead to greater respect from my wife.

    Allowing myself to be angry, create drama and get physical with her were key in correcting the course of our relationship. At times this has brought up conflict in me. I always thought that my temper would be something that would mellow with age and that would be something I would work towards.

    I can see now that having hand in a relationship involves many things that modern feminists would label as abusive.

    My wife doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, she seems happier now, looks at me with deep love and works to take care of my needs.

  10. t said

    Hero, thanks for sharing. It is always good to hear experiences from people in marriage and long term relationships as it gives a better idea of maintaining strong ties in the relationship.

  11. …and the truth shall set you free

    I’ve just come to your blog for the first time tonight and have been reading from
    most recent posts backwards to this one.

    My god

    I don’t believe in panaceas, but your posts have cemented together all the scattered Red Pill advice I’ve absorbed in the two years since I even attempted a relationship. There has been a great deal of cognitive dissonance for me in all this time. Something that has eaten away at me and my life as a result.

    This post and especially your follow up one near the top have somehow resonated with me in a way none of the other blogs have. The wording just wasn’t there. “Abusive” as you said you used polemicaly is exactly what was necessary. Writing off my last girl as BPD, needy, slutty, immature, or broken goods has never satisfied me. That girl was IN LOVE with me, man. Worshipped me. Did everything for me. I didn’t think it was healthy or normal. MY GOD DID I EVER FEEL ALIVE THOUGH!! She was trying to bring that anger to the surface. To bring me to the potential she saw in me as a man. She WANTED that shit BAD. Nothing else makes sense. Everything she was suddenly saying and doing that last time I saw her actually makes sense. The rest is all PC avoidant bullshit. I held back.

    The crazy thing is. I KNEW it then. Refusing to acknowledge it as the way it should be. It’s buried under so much polite civil misguided dating advice (ego salve/excuses)

    Somehow “be mean to keep ’em keen” and all the Roissy or Rollo in the world didn’t cover the depth needed to penetrate this barrier. You are so right. I knew what was required of me. I didn’t want the RESPONSIBILITY. And I’ve complained about her leaving things that way since it wasn’t dignified or logically necessary, but I of course knew it demonstrated how deeply she felt.

    Like you said about the girl you loved who passed away. Only once did you have to lay into her hard, but that was when she gave you her whole heart.

    2 years ago my old friend for whom I’d been a confidant and to whom I was a dream
    come true was begging to fully give me hers. She came to realize I didn’t want it. That’s how she interpreted it.

    Xsplat. I’ve carried that crazy argument around as a template ever since. Feeling enormous guilt and “Figure out this shit!!! If you never want this to happen again!” Very little actual relationship experience

    When all I ever needed to know is:

    Yes. It was real.
    Yes. That’s the way it’s supposed to work.
    Yes. Your instincts were correct. You knew exactly what she was getting at.
    You should have given her the verbal thrashing of her life.

    It’s necessary


    Thanks for the space to rant. I’m deeply moved at the moment. Like coming back to my senses. Shit man, “Why DO my eyes hurt?” I’ve got a few girls on the line. Simple text game, but I feel better prepared to handle them knowing they all just got this same shit underneath.

    Thank you, Xsplat.

    • Uuh. New to HTML formatting my posts. Tried quoting more of your follow up comments. They’re VERY well spoken. I’ll be definitely reabsorbing all this over a couple days.

    • xsplat said

      Ya, sometimes it just takes a rewording in a novel way to be the final nudge to the aha moment. That’s one reason I have so many posts that run on the same theme. We have to see the same thing from many angles before we really get a clear picture.

  12. […] forget to be abusive Posted by xsplat on August 22, […]

  13. […] speaking of xsplat, he has written some excellent red pill stuff too, like this post: […]

  14. […] https://xsplat.wordpress.com/2012/08/22/dont-forget-to-be-abusive/ […]

  15. […] Don’t forget to be abusive August 22, 2012 link […]

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