Why PUA advice is often wrong
Posted by xsplat on August 12, 2012
It’s a good thing we are trying to do. A bold adventure in human consciousness. Men gathering together on the net explaining to each other all the things that work to get girls to fuck us.
We try to see the patterns. We go out and experiment, we share our war stories, compare insights, and build up theories of the female mind.
But the human mind is not good at holding many variables at once. A few guys, like Warren Buffet, apparently can, but most of us can only consider a few. Mr. Buffet is one of the few financial analysts with a proven track record – the great bulk of the rest can study financial analysis their whole lives and still not be able to hold enough information in mind at the same time to make predictive decisions.
So we have guys who explain that a woman is going to look either for a bad boy to fuck or a provider to dupe. We have guys whose strategy is to be that bad boy pushing the alpha attraction triggers, and avoid all provider triggers. Guys who say that to get a girl interested, you should appear as if you are not really that interested in the girl.
And then there are the denialists who say that looks or money or muscles or musical talent or height or status among men don’t really count – it all boils down confidence.
The discussion is bound to be flawed because of our cognitive errors. There are too many variables to be able to able to accurately simplify into rule based patterns.
Think about teaching how to create a tasty recipe. One guy can explain that chicken is a good staple. Can’t go wrong with chicken. Another is all about beef. Another guy knows the ins and outs of a great lasagna. What’s missing is that chicken goes great with lemon, rosemary and thyme, and occasionally with a mole sauce, but not so well with bananas. Recipes are combinations. You can’t just take any good staple and mix it with any other.
In order for a guy to do more than just don’t-fuck-up-game, to shoot out of his league and get girls who are way hotter than him to fuck and fall in love with him, he must be able to provide a great recipe. Better yet a whole cookbook of recipes. Bananas and chocolate. Cranberries and pork. Marmalade and cottage cheese on a bagel. He has to mix beta provider game in just the right proportions with Alpha game. He has to include the intoxicating romance of red wine along with the the simple sexual basics of brie and a baguette. He must entrance her senses with a wild ride of blueberry cheesecake cunnilingus, but not make a meal of the desert. The courses are spaced out, and the overall balance leaves all the desires fulfilled, one by one. Bread and butter, salad, mushroom soup, Kobe beef, shrimp, snails, rice, vegetables, ice cream. Promises of the dream, intense passionate connection, dangerous public sex, devil may care abandon, comfort, laughter, drama.
Guys usually have a specialty or two. We’re bound to, as our temperaments build us to specialize. One guy will be a master at Chinese take out. Another a pastry chef. Another the burger king. Listening to people talk can be confusing if you mix up instructions on making the best burger with making the best soufle.
So each man is going to have to mix and match and pick out his own fresh ingredients, to offer up something unique tempered to his personality and interests.
The confusing part in this is that what for one guy is a huge fuck up, is to another his greatest strength. One guy who can stand out as high value in a bar is going to be all about getting sluts with attachment avoidance issues to fuck him before he leaves town, and will use an aloof demeanour to achieve his goal. Another guy who is ugly but likes to make girls fall in love with him will play up the Don Juan intensity of connection and instant romance to sell the girl the dream.
immoralgables said
Nice work xsplat
t said
“Promises of the dream, intense passionate connection, dangerous public sex, devil may care abandon, comfort, laughter, drama.” That looks like it could be a series of posts. You mentioned some of these before, but not others, like promises of the dream, comfort, and laughter. Its good to ramble, sometimes rambling can help break down your message.
Linkage Is Good For You – 8-12-12 | Society of Amateur Gentlemen said
[…] Random Xpat Rantings – All This Time She’s Been Missing Me Terribly, Don’t Be Aloof Part 5 or 6, Romantic Libertine Game, Why PUA Advice Is Often Wrong […]
Gentsworth said
I got confused just reading your examples and analogies showing how confusing it can all be.
Theophilus said
Seems even Heartiste is coming around to your point of view, viz. his tweet: “Measurable objective traits matter, but the thing that most distinguishes successful players from bitter also-rans is willpower.”
Yep, measurable objective traits do indeed matter, as every man knows. Pure confidence does not conquer all.
xsplat said
That’s heartening. Although sometimes people will come to one rational conclusion, yet harbour a conflicting emotional one.
You’ll notice that with women a lot. They’ll agree with you, only to days later start the same argument all over again as if you’d never had that discussion. Because they still FEEL the same way.
I’ve been realizing that only some people are emotionally invested in truth. Most of us are more emotionally invested in comforting beliefs. Pretty lies don’t perish easily. I’m prone to bias myself, and have had a lot of thoughts that were slow to change over the years. But the search for truth, in and of itself, is not a popular hobby. I read that INTJ personality types are often disliked because of this abrasive quest.
The reason the “confidence trumps all” meme was especially irritating was that not only was it not true, but it was in the long run unhelpful. Young men could be influenced to neglect their livelihoods in favour of working on their night club skills. That could be a regret in later years. Or even simply neglect the gym and teeth whitener. All for the love of irrational self confidence.
I get a lot of self esteem from thinking of myself as a ladies man as well. But for an ugly guy, we get even more self esteem realizing that ugliness is a serious handicap. Heartiste is tall and handsome and works out. He’d prefer to think that doesn’t help much.
Also, nuance is taxing. It’s much easier to go with an initial gut reaction, and fill in any blanks later with rationalizations. Black and white thinking about the looks versus game argument rears up constantly. People on one side or the other will have a very difficult time saying the word “both”. Or if they can, they will quickly make the sign of the cross and mutter a prayer to the Gods of game “yes, but without game you’re fucked, money alone won’t get you laid if you are a dork, if you had to choose you’d choose game, game will get you better girls!”. Rarely are people emotionally satisfied with just saying “both”. It’s as if they really quite nervous about losing self esteem and confidence that game is a superior asset.
Whatever man. Work everything you can. Take the bad with the good. It’s a big planet with a lot of girls on it – there are niches out there for all of us who work what we’ve got – that’s enough. And besides, a strong ego is in itself attractive. And a strong ego takes practice. Not self hypnosis.
I mean, what’s more attractive. A guy who doesn’t realize that his ugliness costs his physical attraction (setting himself up to be impervious to social cues), or a guy who realizes the handicap but still manages to approach and date hot girls anyway?
It’s not wise to advocate delusion when there are more attractive alternatives.
Ugly guys can be perfectly aware of our handicaps and function at peak effectiveness. It’s just a matter of habituating your thought patterns to not place pride in appearance, and that happens as you date hot girls. You get your pride not from who looks at you in the mirror, but from who looks at you in your bed.
Even in new situations where you are getting harsh feedback, being looked up and down with that bitch “who the fuck are you to deign to hit on me” attitude that western girls love to spit, a long and strong background of dating hotties will just make her seem silly. That kind of confidence can be won the hard slow way. By dating older girls at first, and working your way up the ladder. That’s a confidence with roots. That and the other realistic roots of knowing that you truly are superior in most ways, ways that truly count to girls.