I’d had mild social anxiety in the gym. I still get that a bit, when stoned and in public. Used to be much worse as a teenager. But now I was walking towards seeing my date. I could never be nervous with her.

We had a history. She was nineteen when I met her, two years ago. Within 30 minutes of seeing her face she was upstairs in my hotel room, naked. The next day she left her town and moved to my apartment. We didn’t just bone right away, we kissed romantically and made passionate love. We just clicked from the get go. That happens, and I structure my life so that it can happen often.

I wasn’t nervous when I saw her, but she was me. You see, the reason we broke up is that she had a nervous breakdown that included a psychotic break, all because I gave my 2nd girlfriend my laptop to use. She was pulling out knives, threatening to cut herself, threatening to harm me, threatening to tell fake stories to the police, and being outright psycho. I didn’t eat one nugget of her shit, and just abandoned her at the first sign of crazy, waiting for her to return to normal. She never did.

I really missed her for a few months. She’d been my favorite. I loved her, and she me.

This was our second meeting since that breakup two years ago. The first was a few months ago, and we quickly discovered all our old sexual tension was simmering ready to roil to boil. The chemistry is still there. But after that she’d blow me off for dates and I started getting snippy in my text replies to her, calling her out for playing girl games, then just not replying. But this time I know she’s not trying to give me blue balls, so I take some of my time and give it to her in a meet up.

Those two years have aged her badly – even though she’s just 21. And here is the magic; the incredible thing. I’d not have thought it. All this time she’s been missing me terribly. I was her one and only deep love, and she is deeply remorseful. After I told her she was going psycho and needed to go to a mental hospital those years ago, she actually did, and then got some books on psychology, and has been doing the impossible for a woman; self propelled introspection. She went on for nearly an hour, recounting all the details of our romantic four months together. She made it sound like years. She was gently crying. It gave me a raging hard on, which I pointed out; “the penis doesn’t lie”. Made me cry too. I really did love that girl.

I wish I’d voice recorded that conversation. I’ll have to buy a pocket voice recorder; my phone recorder is too clumsy to turn on, and many voice transcripts could make for interesting posts by themselves. She was so soulful.

“I understand that you are a man, and all men want more than one girl. I just can’t stand knowing who it is. It breaks my heart so much knowing that when you leave me you will go see HER.”

That girl called me Daddy, and for her, she meant it. I was a safe place, a person who really loved her, treated her good, took care of her. And fucked her silly. You know what she described as her most favorite moments? Cooking for me. Cleaning for me. Doing anything… for me. She filled our place with the love of her devotions; for her every act was a devotion. She even ate my asshole with devotion. Did a threesome with devotion.

It was heartbreaking to see her snap like that. Men can’t ever understand a woman’s quick change of heart. Since then she’s been like a different person. On last nights date I saw what’s really been going on. She seems to have worked through the worst of it, often by drinking herself to sleep.

I have another girl a few steps further on in the same process. I met her when she was 23 and that was 7 years ago. Also moved her in on the first date, and then we spent over two years together. She spent the first six months after I left her crying her self to sleep and crying her self awake. Still thinks longingly of me, still follows me from city to city, trying to be in my life in some way, even when she has boyfriends. Everybody knows she’s still hugely crushing on me, even though I treat her badly. In fact that’s the advice I gave to her new boyfriend “Don’t be nice to her. Treat her mean. She likes it and will fall in love with you more”.

This is a rambling post. It will get deleted soon. It fits in with some other recent posts lately, in that it gives the reader of this blog a better feeling for my seduction and my life style. What I do.

I’m not about numbers. I’m about connection. Fast, hard, deep connection. Love at first sight that captivates the girl for life connection.