I said some things that really pissed off a friend of mine. An ex-girlfriend that I used to want to marry. She thought that I was mis-representing her and being over critical to the point of betrayal. I pissed her off so much that her love for me turned cold, and she wants nothing at all to do with me.
I had felt it coming, and it was saddening. It’s such a strange thing. A deep connection turning cold. At least she has her husband, and feels a deep love for him. And I have my girlfriend, who gives love to all my days and nights.
She sees me as being a disrespectful asshole, out of touch with who she really is. Which may be; the media of print doesn’t allow people to remain close; it distorts and constrains; we can’t fit all of ourselves into it. This is the challenge that fuels the creative urge of the writer, to fit as much of life into words as possible. The effort is always incomplete. And remaining civil throughout written disputes is famously difficult. Without non-verbal communication, things quickly get way of whack. So I insulted her sex life, her work, her thinking. I was trying to be engaging and provocative, but I overshot the mark and wound up coming across as mean spirited. This is a big puzzle to me. It was my attempt at trying to inspire her to work less and have more sex, because I care about her and want her to be happy and she often complained of not being happy. It bothers me, when intention and result are so far apart.
This morning I was thinking of my friend. Of a comment she made that she considers heterosexual sex to be inherently violent. This comment, and others, come across to me as deeply bleak. Comments like that make me want to reach out and touch a person, show them that when soul touches soul there is a felt sense of beauty and meaning.
This morning my lover and I mingled ecstatically and in that mingling was joy and prayer.
My friend and ex-girlfriend deletes my comments in reply to her blog posts. She brooks no disagreement. She has cut me out from her heart. She wrote a post about that today, how I used to mean a lot to her, but how that love has died and now I don’t mean much. And yet I still think about her a lot, and it is a puzzle. Perhaps, as she feels, I read too much into her words. Perhaps I’m too critical. My love has not died, it just stares blankly from a distance, amazed, shocked. Shocked that it is not seen, respected, cared for, emphasized. Love is the meaning of life, what this blog resonates with, what fuels and fills my life, the message I’m always trying to give. My mistake and my mistakes and what I try to learn from is how to effectively love. I’m not good at that, obviously.
It’s a puzzle.
Communicating by words only is a puzzle. People very often do not want and do not enjoy having their ideas challenged. And we don’t know this about ourselves, especially at the times when our ideas can successfully be challenged. Communicating by text only with someone who refuses to be challenged and remain engaged is a catch22 mystery puzzle. In person you can just change the subject and kiss.
Only geeks with low social skills think talking philosophy will impress a woman enough to get in her pants. Emotional engagement and sexy humor gets you laid. Social skills are skills; to improve your game you have to pay attention to it. How much more complicated to keep an emotional engagement alive when the woman is no longer sexually interested and you disagree with much of what she says and why she says it? That’s not a rhetorical question – I think it deserves attention.
In communion we feel beauty, and life shouts the ineffable. Ephemeral only when we pinpoint a location, the meaning still reaches us. Even reverberations in the pond deserve respectful focus.
Update: George Dvosrky recently blogged a solid polemic article against meat eating titled Meat Eaters are Bad People. More interesting than his initial post is his later contemplation on how his post failed to dissuade many people, and instead offended some to the point of breaking off contact. And then this commentary on the subject by PhilBowermeister. The gist of the question is, when is polemic a spur to thinking and deeper engagement, and when does it get so smelly as to just put people off? I too often assume people have a similar attitude to me, and will enjoy a good verbal joust – it rarely occurs to me that words can be hurtful and that engagement is not a given.