I came too much last week, and needed to recuperate, so I meditated and did some chi-kung. This involved resting attention such that sense perceptions attended to were attended to with mental stability – no struggle to focus – the sense perceptions were heard and felt and arose as embodying the awareness that attends to them. The act of perception includes the act of perception.

But then the post-meditative experience was radically different than my usual way. I was wandering around in a hyper-graphic space; the world didn’t demand my attention in order to exist; details in all corners just were, without me or my or central assessment – the world became vivid despite or perhaps to spite me. I’m familiar with this, and no longer get wigged or feel any outward pressure of a too intense awareness laughing at the joke of thought structures that seem in control. But the contrast between me looking out and out being vivid without needing me to look is striking.

I thought maybe I should persue that, and alter my lifestyle to get more of that. But the next day the sexual pressure was again intense. Meditative awareness=sexual pressure. Coming too much=lack of love and insight.

No answers yet, but as of now, I’m again feeling warmth and thrills that if I could bottle, I’d pay daily for. Heroin, cocaine, pot, meth; inferior, as any long term meditator will tell you. The blisses get a bit intense. Sometimes you just want to dial it down.

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