Some of the ideas I need to integrate into this subject of male domination and female subjugation may cause repulsion. To start with, let’s just look at what is. We can later judge what is.

Lions have rough sex using teeth. Badgers have extremely rough sex. A very sizable portion of the human genome is the result of women being captivated and included into a new tribe and family. Many women enjoy a spanking at heightened moments of sexual intimacy. Pulling the hair at the nape of the neck is a turn on.

Both men and women get pleasure from giving themselves over to being sexually dominated, to being taken. It is a very different experience to give yourself over in gentle romantic steps to the bloom of loving sex, or to be manhandled into a position and have your boundaries pushed right up to the edge of where you are able and willing to open. It can be a turn on to have your lover be so very into you that her passion immediately and forcefully ignites you, assumes that you will ignite, and you do. Who hasn’t said “take me”? Who hasn’t wanted to be forcefully taken, no holds barred. There can be a delicious union in the violence of sexual ownership. For many, if not most of us, this is what is. Sex includes dominance play, and both men and women like to have their turn being a bottom, being submissive, being taken. Such sex play is nuanced and listens as carefully as it is forceful; boundaries are not violated, they are roughly embraced into a real and willing connection. Romantic gentle sex is not the whole of what we hunger for. There is no politics involved in this, no ethics, no judgment of how to be nice to each other, it is just what is.

So what’s up with coming on a woman’s face? She isn’t enjoying it, so it must be some power play, a show of dominance and submission. Degrading. Right! That’s exactly it. That is what it is for. It is sex play, a play, a show. It is a statement of temporary submission. An offering of acceptance, an offering of ownership.

We want to be owned. Being owned is not pathological, not a lack of freedom. We can be freely owned. What else is family? It doesn’t have to be political. It can be organic, biological, embodied, felt. I own you because I’m interested in being united with you. Take me. If you care enough about me, I expect you to take me, and own me.

More examples of what is, examples that needs to be integrated into our ideas about sex relations, examples that at first seem ugly and political. Examples of relationship dynamics that include domination and submission.

People go into forests and fields and steal elephants and horses. There are different ways to bring a horse into feeling that his new environment is his caring family that he belongs to. One is to “break” him, quickly showing dominance. Another is to gently acustomize him to the new state of affairs, gently easing into his fear, gently opening up new boundaries, step by step. A third is the horse whisperer way, a magic where the horse is understood and loved to the core such that boundaries defined by the horses fear are neither to be violated nor taken as inviolate. The horse is seduced, through all means, and submits in both fear and trust at once. It is good to love a horse, be at one with and care for an animal that is at once wild and tamed. Being tamed is as good as being wild – and the horse whisperer gets his magic from appreciating wildness, appreciating that wildness can also be tamed. Fire harnessed, but never put out. Never totally owned, as that would quench it.

The signals of submission that men and women give to each other are not political. Men get on a knee and offer a ring. Women take a cock into the mouth and put up with the indignity of come. The indignity is not negative, it is part of the play. It is supposed to be like that. It is not so serious – it is a play – it is funny.

I took my shy and naked girlfriend into the bathroom the other day, and against mild protestations started a little sex play. This really turned her on and she wanted to stay in that room until orgasm. So she has a kink around the bathroom taboo – pushing that boundary thrills her. The next day I pushed her more – to an absurd point of humor, to an absurd display of lovers in their weird ways of union. I peed on her belly and legs! It was really funny and kind of freaked her out a bit. And it was sexual and tender. And funny. Did it make her feel closer to me or farther? Did we become a more intimately bound couple after that, or did I estrange her? You can’t decide from the act itself, it is the context of it that tells.

A husband invited me to be intimate with his good and loving wife. They were very kind to me, and we enjoyed and respected each others company. It was a warm and loving moment in my life. After one session, the husband invited me to go to the toilet with loving wife. She of course peed in front of me as part of what is sexy between intimate lovers. It was as if, yes, of course, that is what is expected. Intimacies include pushing the envelope into indignities – people get closer using them.

I agree that the sex trade goes too far in embracing indignities, and a person can lose themself, lose the ability to connect to an other. But the indignities are not to blame. I agree that boundaries can be violated extremely. But violating boundaries is not to blame. It is nuance and context, and boundaries played with is called seduction, submission given is called passion, dominance that listens is called skillful love making.

We are not merely animals, but we are also animals, and so can use our rough sex heritage to our benefit, and make little showings of dominance and submission. Both men and women love it – it is part of how we love. We are animals and love being animals. That is not political, not a fight for power – it is just part of our ways of intimacy.