Forgive my myopia in my reply to your email. It’s so easy to be self absorbed, especially when feeling emotions. I didn’t even adress what you had said to me, and at the minimum I want you to feel heard and loved.
Regarding work, there is thrill and rush to being overtaxed. At your age I was in the same place. Forever organizing my complicated multi-tasking. It does make you feel alive and connected and powerful.
Reading legal stuff must carry its own risk of myopia, a contrast that must be most evident to a broadly curious reader. I am a fan of specialization, when the act of the passion is involved intimately with the muse. Meditation acts to spread out fascination, like butter over the whole toast, not allowing big globules and large dry spots. Age does the same thing. The globules lose their fascination to you, and you ease into seeing a bit wider. But mind works through fascination, and emotions are built in, so myopia is our vehicle through our wide landscape.
Thats why people talk of karma. Chose your myopia wisely.
When you talk of Matt, it is the voice of a woman who feels passion, and is not taken under it. Perhaps your mind is in the place from where to make proper decisions – a strong mind. And perhaps your body is intuitive, and wired all up with your mind, so that you can feel as you think.
Today I wonder about small addictions. There are many people who feed on the thrills of borderlines (people with a neurological developmental personality disorder) – the highs and the lows. Roller coasters do what? We can even fetishize a roller coaster, and seek the biggest one. So it makes me wonder about addictions – what we chose as food.
Questions like this are what you said you like to get from me. Broad visions, coming from pointed inquiries. You say you need and hunger for broad vision. It is fortunate to know older people, and they have some seeds for the new muse.
Paid for massage is like what paid for sex should be – a gamble that might find a deep respect. People like to not expend energy unless their is a bigger gain, so massage is an art confined to a devoted sect of worshippers. Worship. Engagement because of it. The emotion of importance placed upon a feeling of communion. Even in our nihilism soaked place, communion is a refuge. So far, at my age. I suspect that refuge will fall. Yet still, swimming in all the deadness of all this dying chaos, massage is worthy of respect. I have no idea why. Boggles my mind.
Communication is so context specific. When writing this, I wrongly assumed a broad audience would understand it. There are too many assumptions inside of the text – only an insider can know what I mean. I want outsiders to be insiders, but can’t force my background onto people in an essay.
To explain one thing, I have to explain another first, unless we share a history.
So I make mistakes in writing, assuming shared histories, calling up references that are not in other peoples minds. Communication is so wonderfully difficult.