Sometimes I imagine sexual energy as not much more than the brains kinesthetic self visualization organizing and re-inforcing nerve connection patterns within both brain and body. And then I remember all that I’ve learned about energy work and what lovers so often share, so I know that these internal sensations can be shared directly, like sound. In any case, the sexual sensations now are getting very strong for me, sometimes in my belly as I come when masturbating there is an incredible rush of energy down from my top of my head and a powerful spark in my belly, and it feels as if the up and down forces are meeting. These sexual energies are felt nearly constantly by me, so I suppose it is accurate to say I am constantly in a state of sex, subtly making adjustments, breathing more attention here or there. I have no teacher for this, but my guess is that the next step is to deeply ground more, and to continue to open up this channel of energy going down, and learn how to make a spark between down and up energies. It is just a little bit scary, because these sure seem like permanent changes, and it is not so subtle any more. As I’m fond of reminding, for the last 3 years I’ve been having a few hours of sex a day, with usually at least one or two days a week spent mostly in bed fucking. It’s kind of a big deal, to re-inforce all these powerful energetic patterns like that. I mean, it isn’t just fucking and sharing and intimacies and release, it is over and over re-inforcing these energetic pathways. So, changes continue to happen for me this way. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel confidence to communicate with people about it anymore – not even my lovers. I only mentioned this briefly to Rosi yesterday, as some vague explanation why I was constantly horny. She didn’t seem to curious about it, and her sex isn’t open enough yet for me to be able to make strong analogies with what she already feels to explain these energies. I’d so like to be able to commicate all experience, but when it isn’t shared, people are less interested to listen. As of right now, I can make a very strong sensation in my third eye and middle of brain, by either just focusing on the area, or bringing downward energy into it, or by rising upward energy to it, or by doing all three. It can be very intense, especially if I do that why masturbating. I also sometimes get that spark just below the navel area – again, quite strong. The sensation is about as strong as if you pinch your thumb as hard as you can, except that it feels much stronger than pain, more alive and full and energetic, like an orgasm. So this is getting to the weirdness stage, these energies just getting more and more, and near constant, and there is so much change in how I can now access them – most notably the connecting to energy above my head, coming down, and the mixing of up and down energies to spark, and the widening of both the spine and central channels to carry more and more energy, and the opening up more often below the feet, and how nearly constant this all it. It’s frightening, but I guess it’s too late. I can’t really shut it off, and I’m curious what will happen if I just continue to get more mastery and more power.
I suppose the feeling is a bit akin to being very afraid, except without the fear, and more concentrated in certain areas. It’s like a mixture of anxiety and strong controlled placed and vibrant sex energies. Not exactly pleasurable. My brain feels constantly cooking in white light, my belly constantly cooking in the downward drag, my palms nearly always aglow in resonance to heart, and my attention contantly being pulled to be aware of above head and below feet. Each breath is always an energetic statement, a focus, a constant cooking with a strong, placed yet alive in itself, thrill. And the thrills are getting more and more pervasive and stronger.
What a way to live. Hope some good comes from it.