I stumbled across some important ideas in a casual morning re-read of part of a chapter of one of Wilber’s books. He was talking about the subtle levels of consciousness, after the vision logic stage of development. In many of my emails to you I talk about vision logic, and how it feels and looks from the inside, the feeling of the sense of self not being localized in particular thoughts and concepts, but of being spread out among arrays of understanding and including a feeling for the mystery of muse. The next and even more subtle self, according to Wilber, identifies with an archetype, especially a Deva (or mystical cartoon, as I prefer to think of them). The meditations for this transformation, in many traditions, involve devotion and visualization, which deepens into various stages of identification, absorbtion, dissolution, non-dual resting. I can’t visualilze effectively. There was a time in my life when the cartoon icons had deep personal relevence to me. It is said that for yidam practice, visualization practice of deities, one’s visualization must be crystal clear in order to be effective. Mine is as vague as you can imagine.

But Wilber then briefly mentioned that in the Soto Zen tradition, Koans are contemplated as the archetypal forms, instead of deities. That’s very intriguing.

In my life, what is the correspondence to Deity practice, where do I lessen identification with vision logic and instead become archetypal love and power with a non-dual source? Yes! There are analagous practices and feelings in my life!

Years ago, my main meditation practice was to notice that at the root, every mind moment is compassion – every movement of mind is a movement generated from the impetus of seeking happiness – even our most confused and demented thoughts all – all – have the same basic impetus. Consider the analogy of a fractal. A simple mathematical law, expounded upon itself unfolding to a grand big picture – the very small patterns echoed in the very big. Or a Bethoven Symphony. Themes repeated and expanded on to a much grander vision. By seeking to see in each tiny moment this impetus, I was training not only in looking at mind dispationately, accepting all, but with embrace and empathy and compassion and insight – and crucially – the practice included seeing every mind movement and action of all others as equally of the same compassionate, if lost, impetus.

It was a very difficult meditation to hold.

Sometimes in Chi-Kung healing, the mind settles into kinesthetic awareness, often outside of my flesh, and mixes with another, and in that mixing is directly felt power and love – sometimes the love deepens to a profound acceptance and deep listening, that is essentially healing, and essentially divine.

These are two examples of identifying with archetype. “I” am no longer my emotions, nor even my ideas and understanding of them. “I” feel devotion to the archetype of love, become it, identify with it, deepen into it.

Sometimes in my bed, I work back at square one, concentration. Allow the mind to be one pointed, such that there is room for wide ready insight. But concentration can be a trap – you can get stuck there. I think it’s time I re-discover the next step and stage – archetype. I’m already established somewhat with my subtle awareness with Kundalini and Chi-kung, so my feet are solidly in the Subtle awareness realms. It is my sense of identification that now needs to shift, so that I can include more of myself, with greater facility. Just as vision logic makes a thinker a better writer, so archetype will make me a more whole person. More able to pinpoint with deeper accuracy the issue. The real issue.

Cartoon icons don’t seem to do it for me, but Chi icons do – so to there, must I go, to there, must i die.

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For some reason I’m not drinking again. I spent a lonely few weeks going to bars and clubs and dating different girls. I drank every night, often to excess. The last night of this I was just plain too drunk, out on a date with a girl I like – Duivel. We still had a good time, but she made me sad by going back to her home, late that night. I hit another club, only to be dissapointed to discover that all females I talked to were prostitutes. I was so obviously crestfallen that another bar patron commented that I looked deeply glum. The next day I was knackered, and haven’t had an urge to drink since.

A few days ago I hung out with Duivel on the beach, then took her to lunch. She commented that after I had drunk my lunch beer, I was less engaging, more shy, and didn’t look at her in the eyes. Yes, she’s right! And I had thought I should become more engaging. But my meditation and chi-kung practices and sense of ease now that I’m getting laid have me, in general, feeling very engaging and open and loving – I like to look into people, and they seem to like me too. Duivel will sometimes just quietly pose for me, letting me stare at her, raising both arms and elbows up, to adjust the hair at the back of her neck, exposing a slim waist and slight frame, casually looking aside, as if unaware of my attention. But we both know she is posing for me. I see her better with no drink.

Lately my chi-kung has become quite important to me again. While playing pool, it is so satisfying to feel a strong energy flowing from me to below my feet and back. Soothing and sexual and powerful. Sometimes, my perinium will close, and I will be only inside this body – so cut off – so forgotten to a bigger sense. In those times I fuck like a kid, see like a kid, say hello like a kid. When I’m below my feet I say hello with the voice of the person I”m saying hello to – people easily recognize such playfullness – you can make a great lover out of a novice just by being yourself.

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