Ya, some of the meditation and kundalini and chi-kung experiences aren’t common enough to be table talk. Even among a community of practitioners, people often tend to keep their experiences to themselves, as unless the person you are talking to is already familiar with the experience, it will be esoteric, and not communicated through words. Words can point to shared experience, or take shared experience and re-organize it, but they can’t transmit new sensations. That is one of the strengths of chi kinesthetic practices, that they can be transmitted wordlessly. But not by email.I’m also often horny all the time, even when the sex is quite satisfying. Generally I regularly get fully and properly laid. If I didn’t, I’d do something to make sure I did. It an important food I need. Another is chi kung communion – it has been years since I’ve properly fed myself that. I’m working on bringing that food back into my diet. It too deeply changes my being in the world. I know this sounds od, but you’ve come across the ideas from many other writers also. I want to have layers of experience that build upon each other, the deeper informing and infusing the common, the common deepening the deeper. Silent meditation can inform chi kung which can inform sex, and back the other way. Silence informing listening, listening informing silence. The various threads and levels of experience informing each other. Speaking kinesthetically, as a teenager I used to focus my attention on my heart area while breathing in and out, in order to get a sensation of connecting to my heart center and compassion and tender care throughout the day. Later I would spend full days breathing through my third eye. Later I worked on feeling a rush of powerful energy up my spine. Six years ago I was taught about connecting to a sense of earth kinesthetically. Nowadays, years added to years later, there is a beginning of co-ordination among these various sensations, with the spine opening up to the heart center while simultaneously opening to other centers – the third eye, sex chakra, perinium chakra, below my feet, top of and above head, and I can spontaneously generate love from my heart, and move and share that. It is all beginning to come together and naturally co-ordinate, from the pieces that took so long to get a feeling for. I hope that eventually a deeper meditative experience will also infuse these energetic sensations.

I fucked Sarah up the ass the other day, and she came. She said “I feel I’m finally a complete human now”

That sums up what I’m going for. Most women don’t know that there is a way to come from inside the ass that is deeply sexual and satisfying, and that if they never know it they are in a way incomplete. I don’t want to be an energetic virgin, a spiritual virgin. There are many capacities and foundations of humanity I have no clue of. I MUST become. That is not esoteric.

I talk a lot about kinesthetic development, and that is a rare practice. It must be allegorical to other types of personal development though, so I can’t imagine that my ramblings are completely foreign. Is there some pull in your life that seems passionate and developmental? Perhaps talking about personal transformation can sound crazy. Who expects to deeply change into something very different, essentially different in understanding and cognitive capacities? Who is so humble as to need to change and so arrogant as to expect it? So unsocialized as to feel and try to communicate the changes? Personal development is a bit of a taboo subject, as people are so wary of self aggrandizement and derive pleasure and try to maintain social standing by either minimizing other’s achievements or associating with them. Few have lust for personal development. Few even know it as a possibility, because we can only know what we already know. We can understand translation – better schooling for instance. Development means changing our capacity to organize perception, which means we can’t yet perceive what the next capacity is. The lust for that kind of death and transformation is delicious, passionate, and horribly absent from table talk. That is why I keep few friends. Except for an exceptional and rare few, people generally bore me as irrelevant. At least I can have sex with women – that is meaningful.

I was side-tracked yesterday from my two month intensive. Spent the day reading a college introductory book to biology. The first chapters explained chemistry and organic chemistry. I couldn’t put the book down. It took me 8 straight hours just to read 90 pages. That leaves about 700 more pages. I had no idea about so much of that amazing info. It is awesome also, like looking at the reefs and sea shelf. Electron shell valences accounting for molecules and organic molecules and enzymes and proteins and protein folding and sugars and carbohydrates and fats and DNA and RNA and chromosomes and cells. That’s as far as I’ve read so far. Wow. I’m breathless.

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