I wanted it out there. Not private. Declared.
My eyes became bottomless love
engaging and centerless – they grabbed the soul in embrace
soul embracing soul
my eyes did that

I dropped pretense and went for the throat
for the heart
for the pussy
I was a force, and I saw god.
I saw you.
In seeing you, you saw me.
Eyes do that. Cut right through, even in the midst of all the flickers.

I don’t do that anymore. I gave it up.
It used to be called “the eye trick”
I’d look into the eyes of Marisa, and she’d say “stop that!”
Because her world would melt away. Mine too.
I felt it in the back of my eyes. It was like moving a muscle. I could reach out
with the back of my eyes and melt with someone into that powerful dynamic mystery.
Instant love. That’s sex.

I owned the eye trick, and I mentioned to a date the eye trick, and that it was too
dangerous to use.
I used it anyway – pulled it out – and let intense love recognise intense love.
Become who we are through our eyes. Be the fiery light of god that we are through
union of spirit and soul through the eyes. I let my soul see her soul. Profound and
simple. Should be normal. But too dangerous, because we can’t handle that much God
and transpose bigness into romantic love. It’s inevitable. Look at someone that way
and you are asking for trouble.

She was nuts, it was silly and painful. I never used the eye trick again. In fact,
I lost that power. I didn’t want it. It left me.

Don’t call me a coward. We are all. The eye trick is available to all of us,
always. We all shy away from that much light. Which of us can bear it. Tell me me
which of us.

I’m looking in the mirror today. So much anger. So sad. But the fire is still
there. I’m surprised – I thought I had put that out a long time ago.
The eye trick never really left me, it just retreated. Yes, I can’t do the eye trick
anymore, yes I gave that up, but the fundamentals of having a soul and being love and
power and being able to see who we are are still there.
I’m so angry.
i have no one at all to talk to. No one at all to see. No one to see me. Why see?
It’s so lonely and painful and heartbreaking. Futile truth. Wny see?

I used to be able to make people turn around with my gaze.
In the meditation hall, I tested it. One by one by one, each still meditator turned
around to glare at me.
I tested it in the road while driving. Everyone turned to look at my car.
I tested it with sunglasses at a busy fair. No one could see my eyes. Why did they
turn around to meet my gaze?
It didn’t work on dogs.

I don’t do that anymore. Would you?
I gave that up.
That much instensity comes with a lot of sexual intensity, and emotional intensity.
It’s not easy to live in that world. You want to see and commune with god in your
relations, and people don’t want that much intensity. People don’t want that much
god, that much boundary breaking, that much passion. Or maybe a lover can take
intensity, but just has no eye for god – so all you can do is fuck the shit out of
her, getting as close as you can. But that’s not communion. You want to see in her
eyes her soul, but if she is all divided and scattered, you don’t want to mix your
being with that. All you can do is fuck. And fuck and fuck and fuck. That’s as
close as you can get.
But when all that energy is flowing, there is a yearning. You got to take what you
can get, because it can’t be denied. And it is good. It is not crass. God needs
god. I need you. Soul seeks soul, to become and recognize soul. In touch, we see
and share and give and become who we are. I settle for the less because at least I
need something.

I’m so much more angry now. And I refuse the eye trick. I refuse the truth of who
whe are.
It’s too painful, and no one cares or understands anyway.