Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

How to maintain loving passionate Multiple-LTRs.

Posted by xsplat on June 4, 2014

I’m faithful to all my girls.

I won’t leave one for the other. I fuck them enough, spend enough quality time with them, and take care of their physical and financial needs. They know that as long as we are happy together that they have a future with me. That’s this man’s version of faithful.

I demand faithfulness in return. Females get pregnant and tend more towards emotional serial monogamy, and so female faithfulness means no other cock.

I’m not a playboy. I don’t philander and I don’t pump and dump. I have serious, passionate, interdependent soul and life entwining love relationships with all of my women.

But being able to do so is very similar to being able to be a writer. Or being able to be an entrepreneur. Or from what I’m told it could be similar to being able to be a balet dancer, or a comedian. You don’t do it because you want to do it. You do it because you have no other choice.

In order to get good at something difficult, something has to keep bringing you through the impossibly difficult times. Something has to drive you again and again through tensions and irritations. It has to be worth it.

For most people having more than one love interest would never be realistically worth it. So they would never gain the level of experience that is required to pull it off.

Sure, if an aspiring comedian could push a button and gain the comedy skills of a Steve Martin, he’d push it and enjoy being a comedian. But if he had to actually go through the arduous and uncertain years and decades to gain that skill and fruition? No. Nobody would do that. Nearly nobody would find it worth it.

You have to have no choice.

Writing is like that. You write because you have no other choice. Your brain is simply wired up to give you certain types of rewards for certain behaviours. You like to systematize thoughts and gain a pleasure in some polemic, whereas others prefer light chit chat and comforting ideas such as the belief that size doesn’t matter. People veer towards agreeableness and group-mind-delusion, or towards truth seeking and independence. Writers write alone, and gain a type of pleasure that haters label as “pseudo-intellectual”. The intellectual life is a stimulation that is pleasing, and the writing is mind sport. Invigorating like a well played tennis match.

And so it is with maintaining the passionate love of more than one woman, long term. If your brain is wired to give you the rewards for both love and non-monogamy, you will have a drive that most don’t and this can force you towards a skill that most never think to even contemplate.

I’ve been seeing both of my current girls for about 9 months now, fucking each from one to five times a day, most days. M25 has been with me for 3.6 years, with an early 4 months of that while I lived with another girl, and about 2.5 living together full time. N18 has been my doting bitch since we met 9 months ago. The passion with both of them is screamingly off the charts; peak experiences every day, after day, and a love bubble the rest of the time. I’m rarely alone, and why would I be.

Girls will do absolutely everything in their power to make a man monogamous. And they will never stop. Ever. Non-monogamy with any level of sexual and romantic intensity is unstable. You will get vicious threats. You will see girl fights. Every possible thing a girl can do to regain monogamy she will do. To maintain stability in such a situation a man needs to be more than just psychologically experienced. It helps to have hand in all areas.

Generally we are all specialists. Some men specialize in the one night stand, and don’t offer much emotionally other than thrills. Others are comfort and security and stability experts. I specialize in both areas – dopamine and oxytocin. I can give a woman ongoing high quality sexual heat and top notch sex, and make her feel like she is constantly in the midst of a passionate romance. And I can make her feel like she is part of a family that cares for her that she wants to care for; even if it’s just our family of the two of us, she belongs and we are the tribe. Lately I’m able to offer inclusion into a bigger tribe. And yet still I’m a specialist. My speciality is passion. I know how to quickly develop strong passion with a girl, and I know how to maintain and grow it day by day. Week by month and year after year. This is a very rare skill, and if you say that you want to have this skill, do you?

Do you want to be an entrepreneur?

Do you want to be a writer?

Do you want to be a comedian?

Do you want to be a master guitar player?

Do you want to put in your 10,000 hours?

Unfortunately, I don’t think it is a matter of want.

MUST you put in your 10,000 hours? Do you have no other choice in life?

If you want to grow a compulsion, pay attention to the rewards you feel.

I deliberately focus on feeling the rewards of love. Often. And sex. These rewards are crucial to me, and so I keep the top spinning.

These compulsions are a deliberate choice. Sex, chi-kung, entrepreneurship, raising my value in every possible way, building a joyful and rich community, even thinking and writing – all of these are a deliberate system to raise overall joy and maintain the best possible momentum of this spinning top. I know exactly what I’m doing and why, and I know how. And I’m old enough to have other histories in my life to give context to my current choice-less choice. I’ve fully explored other important compulsions, such as living as a monk, a meditative hermit, in meditation centers, and a family-man yogi. The current compulsions are carefully chosen, and properly cultivated. I know what I’m doing and why, and I know how to do it.

In order to succeed, you need to have no other choice. But you can choose to have no other choice. By deliberately focusing on the rewards. Not the rewards you hope to get, but each reward you do feel as you get it. You can train yourself the way Pavlov trained his dogs, and feel compelled by the rewards.

Learning to generate and feel love in your heart while alone is an excellent way to appreciate and sensitise to the rewards of interpersonal love. You’ll learn a language of feeling that will make the two of you glow among the zombies. Learning to appreciate beauty will allow your eyes to heat up a woman with your lust until her knees get weak. Learning to let go into finely orchestrated screaming ecstasies will sympatheticaly arouse a girls A game.

The rewards are there, and you can learn that you don’t want to ever again be without them. And why would you?

Posted in How to..., LTR Game | 13 Comments »

Anger is not incontinence

Posted by xsplat on April 26, 2014

When you toilet train a puppy, you have to be cautious not to reprimand the act of defecation. If you do that he’ll consider the act shameful and hide if from you in offerings behind the couch and won’t want to shit in front of you when appropriate outside.

An ex has been a hanger on in my life since we split 6 years ago, and is often a useful ally. But she has intractable and stubborn flaws, that are not amenable to any form of persuasion or coercion, be it tender or violent. She is managing the 6 live in shop-house renovators, and refuses to stop being queen-bee and giving them unapproved projects. Today she went against direct orders to not varnish some cabinets on the exterior, as I prefer a beeswax/oil finish.

Anger is not incontinence. It is nothing to be ashamed of showing in front of others. I loudly reprimanded her, and I have a booming voice that easily fills all four floors, then loudly got her to assemble the full crew and translate to them to never do anything she says unless I’m there. To tell them that I’m the boss, not her. The high gloss varnish is currently being removed.

If you believe that anger is “losing your shit”, then you have been improperly trained. If you maintain this ignorant habit then day by day you are complicit in your own castration.

Conflict avoidance is a serious problem, for a great many men.

Sometimes one-on-one displays of anger won’t correct a problem and public shaming is the only next step.

Improper training of boys in the arts of conflict also leads to instincts that are misaligned with reality. Open anger does not lead to resentment or a fouling of group cohesion. It is the opposite – groups are maintained by effective leadership, and discipline is the dirty job of the leader. The disciplinarian job commands respect, and is given respect due.

We have a new girl here cooking and cleaning. A tight little 20 year old. So there are four girls who regularly cook for me now. I’ve been told that she openly mentioned that she’d date me if she spoke English, even though my ex is here all the time. My position here must be a big influence. My position here is not only about paying the salary. My job description is more than being the ideas man.

You can’t hold this position in this house and be “nice”. Being nice is not nice, because it is not effective.

Chogyam Trungpa once recounted a story to a large audience of how one of his main teachers used to convey anger that could dominate the entire monastery with an imposing ever present vibe. He did not imply this to be some sort of incontinence. He told that story as illustration of effective leadership.

This principle is true in all interpersonal situations. Your emotions are not diarrhoea, to be TONED THE FUCK DOWN. If you are an adult then your bowels are there to be properly and effectively used, without shame. You have them for a reason. Shitting is not losing control – you shit with accuracy and effectiveness.

Anyone who uses the term “losing your shit” when seeing emotional tone or open conflict has been improperly emotionally toilet trained.

Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments »

UCB’s insights into girl-speak and intimacy avoidance

Posted by xsplat on April 9, 2014

I was waiting for a reader to chime in with better advice than I was giving to the reader who has been stymied by girls afraid of intimacy with him, and UCB delivered:

Interesting parallel here: A few years ago I was going through almost the exact same thing… I stumbled upon X’s blog, and he became the first anonymous blogger I’ve ever written to with a question.

My experience mirrors Xsplat’s, but I wanted to add some other things for consideration:

One of the most important things you can take away from what X has written here is that you can’t necessarily trust what girls say. These girls are trying to articulate a certain emotion. This is something we all struggle with; even when we’ve experienced those emotions many times before. It’s exceedingly difficult to do when we’re experiencing something that’s new and uncomfortable to us, and what’s worse, it may be impossible for us to dig deep enough to root out the source of that emotion.

So you have to look at what these women are doing: and what they are doing is RESISTING you. Regardless of what they say, this is the only thing that matters. You have to figure out what’s causing that resistance and how to get around it.

Some possibilities:

- It could be that you are simply better than the girls you’re attempting to seduce. They may see you as being “out of their league” and afraid that they won’t be able to keep you around. The easiest ways of combatting this are disqualification (downplaying your positive qualities while elevating hers) and future-projecting (relating to her on qualities you find interesting in her and making future plans based around those qualities)

- It sounds like you could be leaning too far in emotionally before you’ve given a chance for the physical side of the relationship to catch up. You gotta remember that ‘girls just wanna have fun.” Girls don’t generally like being hooked too hard emotionally. They’re afraid of exposing parts of themselves they may not necessarily want exposed and/or losing control of the pace of the relationship. You can get away with this kind of stuff once you’re in a relationship, since that’s the way things are supposed to work according to the traditional relationship model. But many girls feel out of place being too emotionally invested in a guy they’re not having sex with. Tone down the serious emotional vibe and turn up the fun sexy vibe.

- You also have to ask yourself if there is some part of the relationship that YOU are resisting. For example, if you just want sex without the emotional connection or vice versa, girls will pick up on that. If you’re holding back emotionally in some way because of something you’re afraid of exposing to girls, they will pick up on it. Most of the more esoteric activities that seduction “gurus” prescribe (meditation, yoga, journaling, heavy lifting, etc.) are largely about identifying and overcoming this internal resistance.

- Finally, if you’re still in any way involved in the “seduction community” now would be a great time to get out. If you’re consistently getting these types of reactions from the women you interact with, you’re well past the point where 99% of what’s out there would be in any way helpful to you, and a good bit of it would be counter-productive. You’re approaching a sort of no-man’s land where you have to start trusting your intuition more and trying to figure out how to move things forward more quickly on your own. Trusting too heavily in PUA tactics and techniques actually takes you out of the present moment with these girls and creates more of the type of resistance you’re trying to avoid.

UCB brought up what sounds like “beware of habits that take you out of the flow moment”.

Writing also can be a flow moment for some, and I think that’s why for some people writing is not a choice, but a compulsion. Flow moments are puppy treats for the brain – they are rewards for doing it right, and we go back for more.

For me sex is always a flow moment. Music often. Dance often.

On the great BBC documentary “Child of our Times” they experiment with kids to see how many can easily get into flow moments in a set up involving music, and I think it was only something like 1 out of 7. So when I mention that a rant with a certain tone would not be written without that tone, it must be that most people will not share the experience of the flow moment of writing carrying it’s own way. Writing might be similar to letting out a musical piece. You improvise and work with it, but you are in it and FEELING it. You can’t take out the feeling and still be in it. The composition would simply stop. And the emotions in a written rant are there for a reason – some people are harming my impressionable brethren with horrible, sick twisted and evil advice. Emotion is the appropriate response. Emotion IS the response! We are socially conscious and involved people – it is not a flatland of “it’s all good live and let live”. We care about each other, and I care, and damn right emotion is part of the message and compels and drives and is co-created with the message.

Being with girls for me is often an endless stream of flow moments. And UCB is saying that this flow can be disrupted by getting out of the feeling, if I’m hearing him correctly.

I’d agree and would add further notes of caution. Many individuals and groups advocate what seems to me to be to completely lose touch with feelings altogether, and to “pump and dump the bitches”. Which would not lead to any flow moments that I prefer.

You can’t win at life without oxytocin and vagal tone. Buddhism is hugely about discovering and awakening the “precious heart of bodhicitta”, or increasing vagal tone and feeling that delicious well of wellbeing and sweet warmth in the heart. Interacting with women can be a great and practical catalyst to keeping that love in the heart happening and active, and life feeling like it is being well lived. It’s one reason people buy puppies. To increase the love. Because life without love is fail.

From Wikipedia:

Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does. Proposed by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, this positive psychology concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields.[1]

According to Csikszentmihalyi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-minded immersion and represents perhaps the ultimate experience in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »

Reader asks for advice on girls being afraid of intimacy

Posted by xsplat on April 8, 2014

A reader emails:

I’ve got a bit an issue that I’m hoping you could give me some input on. The subject is something you seem to be very familiar with; women and emotional intimacy.

Basically, girls who become attracted to me also become emotionally afraid of me. The problem isn’t a lack intimacy, but rather the other way around.

A bit about myself:

I know myself. I am unusual in many respects. I consider myself open, honest, and fairly uninhibited, and I’ve been described as such many many times as well, by both men and women.
Just the other day, a female friend said as much, and added that I “can be quite scary like that, because very few are like that to anywhere near the same degree”.

I’m a man of contrasts. I can be raw, crude, and I do have a little bit of a temper, but I am also sensual, playful, and loving.

In poetic terms, I am fire, and I am water. I can heat people up, and burn them if I so desire, but I can just as easily cool them and calm them.
I am also earth and wind; my feet are firmly grounded, but my emotions roam freely if I allow them to do so.

I’m very confident and secure in myself, but I know my shortcomings and weaknesses, and I strive to improve.

I am strong willed, and submission is NOT something I do. The attempts of others to control me invariably fail unless I allow them, such as in work situations.

I’m not afraid of conflict. I’m also not afraid of closeness and intimacy; in fact, I relish it.
I’m also comfortable with revealing my vulnerabilities. Few are the things that I fear in life.

I have an uncanny ability to get people to open up and to tell me their secrets. I don’t even try. It comes naturally. I form connections very easily as well. Today, a girl I’ve known for barely a few weeks, and whom I’ve interacted with for a total of just a few hours, told me she felt as if “we’ve known each other our entire lives”.

The issue:

Many women are attracted to me, both physically and emotionally, but they’re afraid of me, to the degree that very few even dare to show more than polite friendly interest.
Even though many girls want badly to be close with me, they dare not. It’s like they’re preemptively afraid of me leaving them, or that they’re afraid of losing themselves in me. Afraid that things would get too close. I’ve been told things to that effect.

One time in particular, a girl nearly broke down after an intimate moment. She said “I’ve been afraid of you since we met, and now I fear you more than ever”.

I often get insane amounts of last minute resistance. They literally become emotionally distressed, and I’ve been told “I want you so badly but I’m so scared!” several times. One girl in particular, despite my best efforts at calming and comforting her, tensed up so badly that I could barely fit a finger in her. Despite several tries, we never had normal sex. I simply couldn’t fit my penis into her, and it’s not like she was a virgin or had something physically wrong with her vagina.

The ironic thing is that when I do my best to calm girls and comfort them, it seems to make things worse. It’s like they love me while they at the same time don’t dare to.

I’ve been called “heart breaker” by girls who’ve never dared show their interest in me. Even girls I barely know have called me such.

Just recently, I found out that not less than three girls at my old workplace were in love with me. I had flirted with two of them, but they only returned friendly interest.

At one point, there was a temporary consultant that I flirted with, and she reciprocated (though the issues I’ve described above ensued with this girl as well). I went for her, and in the process I broke the hearts of the other three girls. They didn’t dare show that to me, but I’ve been reliably informed that at least one of them was “completely heart broken and very sad”.

There is nothing wrong with any of the girls I set my sights on. They’re normal and healthy. They’re not emotionally damaged or psychologically defective, and yet they react so very strongly to me.

It is frustrating. I feel like an emotional terrorist. I need to change something, but what? I’m missing some important detail.

Do you have any thoughts or ideas?

In my early thirties I mentioned to my buddy that once again a girl I was into told me that she was afraid of intimacy, and this time he took off the gloves and let me have it with “you always say that”. Implying that perhaps it wasn’t that the girls didn’t want intimacy, but that they didn’t want it with ME.

He’d also tell me to be less clingy or into the girl or passionate, and that girls liked it if the man showed an ability to take it or leave it.

And yet I’ve also experienced and it’s been well documented and scientifically researched that a rapey agressive cave man go for it vibe also gets a girls engine running; she’ll get off on feeling unstoppably wanted.

So I think it’s a very tricky balance to internalize. Aloof and intimate and caveman and alpha leader and intimate partner mate provider.

At 32 one girl told me “You’re perfect, and that’s why I’m afraid of you. Normally I’m more casual, but with you I sense it would open to more, and there is no reason for it not to, and that’s why I’m afraid.”

But that’s just her girl words, it’s not the best mental map for us as men to use to describe how her emotions fit together into a cohesive narrative. For men we’re better interpreting the situation as that:

1) We haven’t given her enough pull so the she feels she has to chase, we’re too accessable and so she can’t feel that we are above her in value.

2) The tone isn’t playful enough. It’s too earnest and leaves no wiggle room to back off and claim the whole thing was just out of fun. It’s too consequence loaded.

Both 1 and 2 can be extremely subtle. With M, a girl who was a 21 year old hottie virgin, when we met we fell into a love at first sight type of dance, and I played up on that storyline with her in texts and in person. However somehow or other there were also other required undercurrents. Although I was instantly genuinely infatuated and stiff, and we played a push pull rapey couch dance of “No, stop!” (back off for 10 seconds and then grab again) “No stop!” (lean way back until she comes into my space for a kiss) and so forth, somehow or other there was still a sense of humor in it.

Jeez, how the hell am I going to hang words on this one.

In my early thirties I wanted a girlfriend, and was playful. In mid forties I wanted a girlfriend and was playful. During both periods I was prone to quick infatuations. Throughout the whole time I remained as I still remain; open to love, bonding, infatuation, and all sorts and types of intimacy dances.

But something was different.

Maybe it’s just that in the interim I’d seen more girl tricks, and been heartbroken more and broken more hearts. As time went on I was willing to love, but knew more of loves illusory nature. Yes, love is still a compulsion; no one can claim to both feel infatuation and control it. And it still wasn’t a game; real feelings have real consequences. And yet some of the earnestness got punctured with humor, and love was also a game. The real pain of consequences was also pierced with bitter-sweet humor and accepted in the way we accept death – as something unacceptable that we deal with anyway without letting it overwhelm our living life; a funny irony to beauty; that it disappears.

Something was different. I’d danced the dance more times. I’d twirled with more partners. Some of the earnestness had drained and the consequences could never be felt to me as so earnest and real as they once had.

I also learned some crucial tricks about carefully doling out intimacy. A girl has to earn it. And even here it’s so subtle, because on a first date fuck I might still scream out “Daddy loves you”. None the less, in the wider gestalt that includes all the expansion and contraction and breathing of the pushes and pulls, the overall impression is that intimacy was being slowly doled out. The dance was being done with a sense of humor. A wink and a nod to the game of seduction and passion being played.

Oh, and I’d over time gained a better sense of command. And better boundaries.

When a girl says she’s afraid, then it means you can pull and make her chase more. That can be done with a subtle vibe. Maybe a playboy vibe, maybe an aloof vibe, maybe time constraints, maybe teasing her, maybe by seeing other girls. There isn’t a one size fits all way, although some people think believe and claim that there is this magical formula called “aloof” that can be sprinkled like pixie dust onto anything. Some how or other your vibe needs to get less earnest. It might happen internally in the most subtle of ways that even you will barely be able to detect. Or it might be through crafty timings of texts and careful word choices. The girl needs see your value, in all areas, including the abilty to bond, but she also needs to feel consequence free.

It’s a one day at a time instant fling. It’s a passionate love affair. It’s not a union of lives. She can walk away or be kicked out, despite the heartbreak. You ease into things as a dance, and on the journey over time you’ll naturally pass mile stones informing the both of you of new bonds. But those milestones are not assumed from the beginning. And that’s not an action, that’s an internalized attitude. She is not allowed to jump into the deep pool of being fully bonded. She has to pass the milestones. In the meantime she gets to explore some rough and deep waters – but she can’t live there and isn’t invited to stay there all at once.

That’s my best attempt for now. Let’s see what the readers say.

Posted in Uncategorized | 28 Comments »

A beta suck up explains to do as told and TONE IT DOWN

Posted by xsplat on April 7, 2014

On this post The private messages to Roosh that got me permabanned from RVF a nail that doesn’t want to stick out and be hammered down said:

Cobra said:If someone says tone it down, TONE it the FUCK DOWN. There’s probably another way to express yourself and get the same message out there.


And no, there isn’t.

Tone is not only part of the message, it’s part of the flow of what inspires creating the message in the first place. You can’t remove the tone and still have the message. As I already carefully explained.

And if someone says tone it down then tone it down? Uhh, WTF? That’s a really weird attitude.

Where did you learn to behave like such a good boy? Sounds like terrible training that you’ll want to unlearn.

But you won’t be able to unlearn it on the RVF. The RVF is a place for men to learn how to be attractive to women while being constrained against acting like the type of men who would be attractive to women.

And you have been misled or are not paying attention if you believe that the only issue was about tone. Look closer, and you’ll see people far more abrasive on that site. It’s about power and control and agreement and in-group clique versus all others who have to walk on eggshells and suck up to the in-group clique.

A man can not express himself as other than a beta suck up on that forum, which seems to agree perfectly well with your suck up tone it down when told attitude.

Posted in Uncategorized | 21 Comments »

How I cured my manic depression and OCD

Posted by xsplat on March 30, 2014

I’m speeding along on time’s highway towards the 50 year mark. Looking back the years clump together into themes, and I rarely reminisce upon themes that no longer seem relevant. Yesterday I mentioned to Cody that my natural authoritative command over a new puppy must have come from dealing with girls, and the years I’d spent raising and training my son. And yet I could not remember how many years that was – I so rarely think about those times it took some time to remember them at all.

There was a period in my teens and early twenties when I was manic depressive, slightly anorexic and a bit OCD. I also had periods of debilitating social anxiety. Being inside my head was often quite painful. The thoughts would race around in ways that were uncomfortable. I contemplated suicide often.

Nowadays I’m noticeably happy. I haven’t had any mania for I don’t know how long – 27 years maybe. No OCD. Thoughts are comfortable. I’m habitually at ease, and often consciously noticeably content. I can feel blisses at times, but this is qualitatively different than the manias.

And I remember what I had to do to make the changes.

At the age of 12 I became interested in self directed mind control in the form of auto-hypnosis, and I practised that regularly. At 16 I switched that habit of mind training to meditation practices. This interest grew, perhaps with the help of my OCD tendencies, and at 21 I was living and meditating full time in a Buddhist monastery, and when not there was a hermit in a forest meditating 8 hours a day.

I can remember the precise day of the tipping point that marked the disappearance of the debilitating social anxiety. I had come out of the forest towards the end of another long retreat – this one was 11 weeks. I recall my attitude change towards the puppy that had ran up to greet me; I was warm and playful. I recall my attitude change towards everyone in the monastery; I was warm and playful. And I recall people being surprised and making comments; there was something markedly different about me now. This was no personality change similar to the contrasts between manias and depressions. This was now a stable new mode of being, and was calm and content and at ease.

But oh, the price for it. Hours upon hours upon months into years of painful sitting still with diligent attention, staring at carpets and floors and walls and out through the meditation cabin window that I had hauled in through 3 feet snow over a long mountain pass trail to install in an abandoned uninsulated hunters shack.

Meditation can be a type self enforced hell. It can also grow on you and be addictive and pleasant. But for most of us it is at least initially uncomfortable. And when you set a schedule to sit still for 1 hour, you’re going to come up against physical, as well as mental discomfort. Ramp that up to 4 and then 8 hours a day, and then continue that for weeks and then months and then more months, and that discipline will at times be a hardship.

I suppose the OCD tendencies helped to cure me of OCD.

These days I’m off a regular meditation schedule, although I do continue to try to work on regular mindfulness awareness throughout the day, and have a regular standing movement awareness practice that is meditative. I have not been troubled by runaway thoughts in quite a while, so there is no urgency to correct a troubled mind.

Life is genuinely and consistently good.

And I’ve found new focuses to increase overall happiness. Focuses that were discounted or dismissed within the Buddhist community I had invested so much of my identity with.

As a teen I was also often troubled by a painful feeling of being shivering cold whenever I’d hear certain sounds, such as the sound of Kleenex rustling. That and the painful thoughts in my head led me to believe that it would be cruel to have children, as this pain might be hereditary. And apparently manic depression is hereditary; if you have it you certainly will have forebears who also had it.

And yet I’ve put myself on the trajectory towards attaining smart and beautiful wives to bear children. From what I’ve seen in meditation communities, the desire to do intense meditation for very long periods is quite rare, so this cure might not apply to my own children. I suppose I could only hope they get just the right amount of OCD along with the bipolar problems in order to doggedly apply themselves to becoming better.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

A silver back needs an opulent center

Posted by xsplat on March 12, 2014

trungpa-r-at-karme-cholingkarme-cholinggoogle-office-interior-3-700x466People like to place big Buddha paintings on their walls. Don’t you feel more at ease now, in the presence of a calm and protecting dominant male figure?

The patriarch holds a psychologically essential role to a group. We can learn by examples of how to play that game successfully, and magnetize the smartest and most beautiful people together into a successful family.

In this post I’ll talk about the crucial role that your building plays.

When Google started out, they spent truck loads of money on building an exciting work place. It was not only to be their center of operations, but it was carefully designed for psychological impact, in order to garner the best possible recruits. A business is it’s employees, and a core power to attract the core of the business is the building.

I rented a 4 story 5 by 30 meter shophouse here in Indonesia, and have built an aviary garden onto the 5th floor roof and built on two more 5X7 meter stories out of bamboo. This is my 2nd shophouse but the scale of it allows for it to play a different role. Six carpenters have been flown in from a far away village in a far away island to live and work here full time on renovations. Renovating is a slow and expensive process, and everything is a shamble until all at once you see how the pieces that were in your mind have fit together to form a fantastic new space. I spent much of yesterday gardening and arranging plants. Sci-fi author Robert Heinlein had a list of essential man skills, and if gardening wasn’t on it, it should be. Our nest is our display.

A new intern arrived last week, and it is a spectacular fit. He not only shares many interests and attitudes and aptitudes with Cody and myself, but has had a parallel background to me at his age. He’s been instantly productive, and has slotted right in as if our puzzle was waiting for him to bring his pieces. He’s been photo-documenting the renovation progress since arriving, and had attached photos to an email to his buddy along with an explanation of our setup.

In part because of the building, his talented friend is interested to come out and join us. “Oh, that place looks really cool. Ya, I might want to come out.”

It is not only women who want to see outward displays of success. Banks invest huge sums in letting you walk around in their physical opulence. You feel secure. There is something solid around you.

A patriarch knows the value of people. And for that he creates a physical space – a meeting space. A center of vibrant enthusiasm. A place where people can socialize and can expect to meet potential mates, hang out, network and earn. The happening spot, where all social needs can be met – our needs for community and sex and food and physical and financial support. A place to sleep, dance, get fed, fuck, get taken care of if you are sick, hang out silently with others around you, be alone in quiet spots a short distance away from others, gossip, plan, work.

And so month after month thousands of dollars are invested into this place.

This place is the center of what will attract the people who will become this patriarchs biggest asset.

The people who will bring in more people and more money and more happiness.

Thinking big like this doesn’t occur to most people. We usually think to either go it alone, or become part of an organization. But if you get to a place where you are ready to be that Buddha face on the wall and take on the role of being the dominant presence that allows people to feel secure and part of a family, then you will need a place.


Hdjdjd said: You can work in an opulent bank office and hate it to bits. You can work in a mcoffice with a bunch of really cool people and love it to bits. I think the culture you work in is more important than the building. People are attracted to google more on a culture then an office building basis. Many other nearby companies offer similar offices.

Ya, and you don’t need money or looks to attract women. And not ALL women are like that. And variables don’t matter at all, because of other variables.

You know exactly what I’m saying, and you understand the message of this post. But you came up with a counter argument, and past experience with forum and blog conversations leads me to imagine your motive being that your sexual competitive strategy is different; in other words you don’t compete that way and so your brain through it’s system of rewards and punishments guides you to dismiss your competition. Like a highschool teenager struggling for social status you instinctively dismiss the competition who are using other strategies. “The jocks are doing it wrong! The honor students are doing it wrong! The camera club crew and the drama students and the chess geeks are doing it wrong, and all the girls who are fucking all those guys are doing it wrong!”

It’s a standard emotional logic, to start with dismissing the rivals and then explain why. But dismissing the competition is an impotent approach to competing. People who allow themselves to do so think they are playing king of the hill but are just working to re-balance their self esteem. It’s is an ineffectual strategy as the people who matter are not positively influenced. The best it does is rally others with similar strategies into a clique.

Being a patriarch is the ideal set up for an older gentleman. Only one in 100 will attempt for it, and one in 10,000 achieve it, but the silver back position has awesome rewards. And here are some pointers for how to set up that situation. You’re welcome.

Posted in Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

Being civic minded prevents love and motivation.

Posted by xsplat on March 4, 2014

COMMUNISM___Full_Game_Board_by_SpiffyOfCrudLaidnyc received a booty call SMS from a hot girl, and blogged about the thought processes that led to him declining the offer in favour of monogamy with his girlfriend.

This was a good opportunity to put flesh on the bones of thoughts that have rattling around my mind, so I commented:

I care for and keep two girls, each in separate apartments, and I keep my own place. It pains them both, and sometimes greatly, knowing that I see my other girl. I see all the sad signs of painful heartbreak in one of them, as we used to live together 24 hours a day and now I only see her most nights. The other tries to harangue me but I always cut her short.

I feel no guilt at all. The guilt is an option. When you live the non monogamous lifestyle for a while you can choose not to bother with guilt. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that caring does not require guilt.

I could choose to be monogamous with either. But I just don’t want to.

It really does come down to what you want to do.

And what you can set up.

If you don’t set things up well then introducing new women and having your women finding out causes much instability, and consternation and pain.

You can also set things up such that you live in a universe of self-imposed honor. And like the other commenter said within that universe it’s a bit easier to get everyone into the same wavelength.

But you can get girls to be faithful while being non-monogamous too.

The honor mindset is only a choice. It has it’s perks. Personally I think it’s as illusory as love. And I prefer to live my life with love, and engender love on purpose. Love is an option, and honor is an option. But I don’t find honor in the form of monogamy to be a useful option, not at this time with these girls. I’m honorable in that I don’t lie about anything; when they ask about anything related to monogamy I simply refuse to say anything, one way or the other. I refuse the subject to be talked about. I have boundaries.

I read one of your tweets where you were dismissive of the me-first mindset. Something snide pointing out the inhumane attitude people can have, like “I’ve got my food, everybody else can starve”.

I can see it’s a real struggle to try to reconcile personal desires in a world of competing desires.

But if you want to reconcile that, and not just project out onto OTHER the painful portion of this internal struggle you are having (BAD people are selfish!), then you need to come to grips with the fact that there is no way around the fact of competing interests.

Sometimes there is no win-win solution or compromise. Sometimes somebody loses.

And it’s up to you who that somebody is.

You can’t just be communal and community minded. Not only would that make you a doormat, but in real life society does not and can not function that way. In real life there are various inter-playing roles that interact. There are no “good guys” who are the backbone upholding society. There are castes and specialties, true, but viewing one caste as the good guys that everybody should be like is false. All the castes play important roles. You need the sociopathic business leaders and generals too.

So there is no solution to this argument with Dick that is based on guilt or morality. That would be a cop out, really.

The solution is deciding where your true interests lie. Because that is where the buck stops.

Your true interests may be in being communal.

But it has to be YOUR true interest.

I once was put in a situation of literally having to choose to share my food with hungry children or not.

I fed them for a few months and then stopped. And it was my girlfriend’s family too – so they were tribe members. But I stopped.

The children’s parents were loaf abouts with drug and alcohol problems, and the neighbourhood and all of the Philippines was full of hungry children. Where was I to start or stop my humanitarian efforts? Was I supposed to save the world?

How could I grow my business and wealth if philanthropy prevented the accumulation of assets?

These are difficult questions, because they go to our root of self-identity. Are we good? Are we the good guy?

Are you the good guy in a universe of people who just aren’t good enough?

I don’t know, Laidnyc. Is that REALLY the story you want to carry around with you for the rest of your life?

One big problem with being the honorable, civic, community and family minded good guy is that it puts up MASSIVE barriers to being able to love and appreciate real people for who they really are.

It sets these roles based on face, and you lose track of even seeing what your own personal agenda is any more. Everything just becomes social roles. He is supposed to do this, she is supposed to do that.

You lose track of peoples REAL motivation.

And not only is that a barrier to some humour and humility in accepting and understanding the human condition, and loving people for who they actually are (instead of for how closely they are fulfilling their social roles) but it makes it much more difficult to actually influence people.

And you can’t sidestep shuffle the issue of personal motivation by talking about tribes and tribal interests as the center of competition. The unit is not the tribe. Individuals within the tribe also compete, by nature.

To motivate people you have to see behind the social roles, and speak their own language. Get in their shoes. And the world of should and could and right and wrong is not the same world as the world of personal motivations. No matter how much it should or could or would be better if we all just agreed that it was.

Posted in Morality | 4 Comments »

Morality in an uncaring universe

Posted by xsplat on February 23, 2014

Irrelavant said: There seems to be a spectrum of guys in the manosphere that falls roughly like this: moral —– not concerned with morality… One side is longing for a morality that is being purposely disintegrated before our very eyes, while the other is taking the approach of “fuck morality, it’s a human construct.” … I don’t live my life by either perspective… I believe morality to be an unspoken agreement between human beings about how they will function with one another within the bounds of social relations… But when all hell breaks loose, that unspoken agreement quickly shifts to an agreement that is purely about survival… We have an entire generation of males who have been so utterly destroyed by anti-moral forces, that it seems to me to be good strategy to bring them back into the camp, before they destroy themselves (and our legacy) on a worthless “quest” of their own.

I’ve written about morality before.

The buck always stops. Somewhere. Whatever is good is good for SOMEONE. The way nature and physics and reality is set up is that we compete for resources, and that there is not and can not be a common good.

Wherever you have socialist endeavors where the public good is considered, it always steps on the toes of individuals. And the reverse. Wherever individuals benefit others are relatively disadvantaged. It is impossible to develop a system that is not adversarial. Adversity is built into the fabric of reality.

Even when researchers look into morality, they find that the brain is set up to make seemingly non-sensical judgments, and we are unable to make truly rational moral decisions. Kill one man to save two? Rape and torture an innocent child to prevent a cholera outbreak?

I identify neither as a socialist nor capitalist. Both are just two sides of the same coin – they are the same thing, fundamentally. Self organizing self perpetuating power structures.

The common good or the individual good – no matter where you look the buck has to stop. Somewhere. It stops in the end with individuals life satisfaction.

So THAT is morality. Increasing individual life satisfaction.

Moralists often want to reduce life satisfaction in the name of the common good, in which case they are anti-moral. They forget the origin of morality, which is where the buck stops. In individual life satisfaction.

Yes, to maximize life satisfaction as normal non-sociopathic humans we need to feel that we are part of something larger and give and receive from a group. We need to partner in cooperations in order to economically compete. We need a mix of individuality and cooperation.

And in the end, the buck stops. Individually. And in the end there is no hope of ever finding a way out of the fact of competition for resources. It is fundamentally dog eat dog, and we cooperate in that fight. And then there is the whole issue of motivation, which is fundamental to all economic activity. When we try to maximize cooperation we run up against minimizing motivation.

Those with a genetically relatively heightened sense of disgust FEEL morality as a free floating empirically existing platonic thing. A law of nature. Their sense of disgust tells them that some things are just wrong, regardless of outcome. Things aren’t right or wrong because they have certain causes and effects, some things are just wrong because they are wrong because they are wrong. The heightened sense of disgust hijacks all the mental wiring and overwhelms all reason and all that is known is that that they KNOW. That sense of knowing requires no reason or introspection to them, and is beyond reason or introspection as it shuts that down. It highjacks all of the brain and screams out WRONG!

But that’s just biological instinct. That’s not ethics.

So I’m a pragmatist and understand that our human wiring is set up such that if you want to maximize happiness you have to increase oxytocin, which requires giving to others and being part of a group, and cooperating. Also in many of my posts I show the practical value of thinking coherently and minimizing lying to oneself in a short term effort to increase self esteem or avoid anxiety. And to help that being honest with others is very important. And so honest cooperative dealings increases personal and group happiness, and the buck stops.

Posted in Morality | 14 Comments »

Maslow suggests that you should aim higher than pump and dump

Posted by xsplat on February 21, 2014


Lingerie said: The manosphere deals in the currency of primal motivations (a heady space); coincidentally, the very motivations most likely to get someone to click on “purchase.” One will find products vehemently defended, even when the logic of those defenses is sorely lacking, at best; sloppy, at worst. More than one venture has made a handsome living off manipulating and faux framing those emotions through their ad copy lies and string-along programming (upsells).

Anger is a core visceral emotion that is very useful for marketing (as is sex). Its invocation is difficult to argue against, but also very difficult to respect, for those in the know. If one is to expend one’s precious energy being angry, the key is to direct that energy into the proper channel that might produce constructive results in one’s own life. That requires the elbow grease of independent research. Females exist for your pleasure, not your anger. Oasis, and all that.

Heads up ball, gentlemen. Exercise discernment.

So you are implying that invoking the feelings of unhappiness in others and creating and coalescing an in-group based upon their unhappy anger is a good way to sell e-books?

In-group thinking is a trait of the human mind. Many of our thoughts are not rational, but chosen politically – we agree with our in group and those with social power around us.

That can also be dangerous. Fitting in to a power structure can be even more dangerous than stepping outside the box and doing a double take.

Yes, anger has been used as a way to rally a community and then coincidentally pump up interest in selling instructional ebooks on how to ignore and avoid fundamental human qualities, such as love and intimacy.

The most practical and concise piece of wisdom that I know is the serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

I’ve read people online who disagree with this wisdom. Outright disagree with it.

People often want to piss and moan about things outside of their control. Complain about the weather of feminism, or complain about in-equal sexual distribution, or about those dammed crack dealing thug guitar players or about western women or whatever. And then gather in a circle of complain and call that community.

At least that’s part of what happens. There is also a lot of self growth and discovery and encouraging each other on towards expanding out into the world of possibilities.

But it’s tainted. It’s still often largely communities encouraging each other to expand out into a twisted and limited way to relate to women. A way completely out of touch with their own intimacy requirements.

It’s very often communities of broken men fostering brokenness and creating brokenness where there was none.

Dark triad traits to be emulated as a lifestyle CHOICE?! To become a more happy and fullfilled MAN?

A Dark triad man is not a complete man. Yes, if you are blind you’ll have enhanced hearing. Is that any reason to blind yourself? Yes, if you lean towards sociopathy you’ll free up some restrictions to effective manipulation. Is that any reason to become anhedonic?

A man loves.

Dark triad means you didn’t fix yourself yet. It means you are running on two out of eight cylinders. Nothing to brag about, or promote, or emulate. It is disastrous how communities have been shepherded towards a poisonous pessimism by harnessing their emotions of anger.

A large swath of the manosphere is a cult of anti-intimacy, composed of followers in want of direction who have been goaded on by authors with intimacy avoidance issues into believing that there is no Maslows hierarcy of needs and that all they have to do is pump and dump the bitches.

“Society is broken and is giving away pussy to the wrong men! I’ll show those bitches. I’ll pump and dump em. So there!”

Ya, how about doing the work that is orders of magnitude more difficult. Become a loving man that women love and enjoy life as a full human to the fullest of your capacity.

Another comment from Lingerie:

“Ya, how about doing the work that is orders of magnitude more difficult. Become a loving man that women love and enjoy life as a full human to the fullest of your capacity.”

This sounds reasonable, and healthy, though no writer of ad copy would ever allow it, because of this right here: “doing the work.” Just not as salable as “get laid today,” or “screw the bitches.” One approach sells, one doesn’t, and that’s the human condition. But I feel for men in the manosphere and hope to elevate the entire discussion above such base instincts—I’m fully aware that it will never happen, but I inject my part as a solitary vote toward something better for all men in the manosphere.

Here’s the manosphere proprietorship in a spectrum quip (though it’s thankfully changing), not the readership, but the proprietors: hate women pump and dump women. That is so fucked up on so many levels that it’s really beyond words. But I get it. I totally get it. A shit ton of males have been fucked over royally by the feminine imperative. An equally shit ton of males have never known what it feels like to be truly loved by a female. I understand the need for males from both ends of that spectrum to have a voice out there that can coherently represent their thoughts and feelings.

BUT, the proprietors who provide that service, in my humble opinion, should also be nudging those damaged souls toward a final solution that involves LOVE as a core component, rather than stringing them along via their visceral emotions. My definition of “love” is not a romantic or visceral emotion. It is a highly cultivated sense of one’s place in the universe. This cultivation is not being suggested by manosphere proprietors to the souls of their readership, who are aching for it.

Sell an ebook, I don’t give a shit. But don’t hold your audience in a place that is ultimately unhealthy for them in order to defend your ideological niche—stop the gaslighting. Offer them a way out, or refer them to others who will. But that’s not how business works, “lifetime value” and all that.

This is such a huge spiritual issue among the voluminous damaged and injured men in the world, that it’s time to place their spiritual healing above defending one’s frame or “being right” in every argument.

This goes to every single proprietor in the manosphere: Help your readers heal, and help move them along to the next hopefully healthy phase of their life. This should be your goal—to move them along. In every post that you make that correctly identifies the problem, offer your readers a suggestion or two of how to move past that problem, rather than building a community around your brand that merely perpetuates commiseration over said problem. I know that that absolutely runs counter to “business” principles, but fuck all, what kind of world do you want to live in?
And if you don’t know because you haven’t researched the deeper issues, then have the humility to say, “I don’t know, I haven’t researched the deeper issues. What do you guys think?”, rather than perpetually faux framing your dominance over your readership, as if they were females. Please. We see right through you.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »

Xsplat brand wisdom; coo for increased satisfaction.

Posted by xsplat on February 20, 2014

cooing“I love you Daddy. I love you with all my heart, and all my soul. And with my pussy. And with my whole life”.

“Yes, I can feel it when you eat my dick. You swallow it like you are so hungry. I can feel the love in your mouth. You even eat my asshole with love. And it’s different now when you fuck me – you give your whole self over to me. Your heart is connected to your pussy now. I don’t know how many boys you fucked before and I never will know, but I know you never felt like this for anyone else before. You are addicted to me and I own you. You’re my daughter and my slave.”


I made love with both of my girls today. What I noticed is that today I pulled them both a lot closer emotionally.

Guys who aren’t much into the LTR arts are often unaware of the sexual power in “beta” acts such as love. But if you don’t unlock a girls heart centre and get her to mix it with her 2nd cakra raw sex energy then you haven’t fully turned her on. It’s well known that sex on love is the ultimate drug. And we all know what happens with drugs. People get addicted.

And so consider the arts of cooing. Talk during sex is an opportunity to get her to swoon into your emotion; mix with you in coo-space. That space can take on many flavours, and the more varied and interesting you can make coo-space the better. It allows her to express more of her nature if you have a broad virtuosity.

“You are my little bitch.” That is coo space.
“Daddy loves you”. Coo space
“Say “I’m your little bitch! Say it again! Say it again! Say it again!”
“You are so pretty”
“I can feel the love in your pussy”
“Oh babe! I feel that! I feel that!” As she approaches orgasm or is in a long near-climax
“You’re my slave”
“I own you.”
“You were a teenager on the street, but I stole you and made you fall in love with me. You never fucked anyone like you do with me before.”
“You were a virgin and afraid of sex, but I stole you and made you mine and now you love me with your whole being and are addicted to my cock”
“I love you”

With coo space you can inject some narrative to give it a little structure. The role play need not be fantasy, it can be your romantic backstory. But regardless of how grounded it is, you enter an emotional space with her. And even if she does not yet know that she will fall in love with you, you can lead her into these emotional spaces and step by step she will open up and get addicted and go further and further with you into a mutual emotional journey.

Both girls are in many ways fucked up chicks. But some parts of their brains and bodies work well enough to be able share sex and love well.

I had to teach both of them.

M was an asexual freak virgin who took over a year to grow into her sexuality. Now she comes easily and is still habituated to open in genuine strong passionate love each sex session.

N18 (formerly N17) used to prefer to cuddle to fuck. She would suck dick mechanically. Now she gives it her all and then some. Where before she felt pain and shyness riding on top, now she’s a star endurance ecstasy athlete. She prides herself on her sexual attentiveness. She’s better than a pro. After a long tag-team session of trading out who is on top, she’ll go down on me with “You just lie down and relax and let me do my thing”.

Please don’t underestimate the value to yourself personally to have strong LTR game. It will allow you not only long term regular sexual access – even non-monogamously – but you’ll be able to share fulfilling emotional spaces with girls. You’ll soon notice that this sharing of love is very much like a food. You’ll feel a particular quality of happiness in your life that you can’t really get in any other way. Sexual love is different than sex. It’s a type of emotional support, and it’s also regular releases into intense and shared ecstasy.

This is not “manosphere” wisdom.

You heard it here and you only hear it here.

Update: Rollo’s recent post is about not buying lingerie for a girl, as she should take it upon herself to express her level of attraction. It’s true that you can’t negotiate or demand desire, however it’s also not true. Just as if you force a smile you will feel happier, if you force a girl into the exterior situations of displaying shared love, her brain will look at what she’s doing and interpret it as a sign of an internal emotion. So you can and should enforce outward signs of devotion from a girl, such as telling her what to wear and what to do and even what to say. While fucking: “Say I love you Daddy! Say it!” Silence. Slap!! “Ow! I love you Daddy!”

You have to really be in the flow moment and know her psychology and internal state inside and out to be able to pull that off with an actual slap. She has to actually love you. It’s provoking a shit test. If she won’t say it you punish her, and then that creates passing a shit test even though she didn’t initiate the shit test. You demand her love. And that is admirable, on a deep visceral level. You will accept none other than her full devotion.

But it’s very, very subtle. Because you also give her complete freedom. She’s free to either be your totally devoted slave or to leave at any time. There are layers and layers to it. But every now and then you touch into that cave man level of all the layers. Even if just as role play. Every now and then you own her like a piece of property. And then you say “You are my property”.

Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

Are you a guardian/authoritarian/family man type? Then you are probably lying.

Posted by xsplat on February 15, 2014

Confirmation_Bias-1A guardian personality comes from birth pre-programmed to grow up to say:

“Look at me I’m a stable provider. I’m not like one of those guitar players. I’ll give you marriage, and that’s better for you. Those guitar players are not only bad for you, they’re bad for society”.

Ya, it’s a nice line if you can get a girl to swallow it, however girls who are not also pre-disposed to follow authority (other guardians) may not be motivated by it.

It’s all down to motivation.

Many of us can think reasonably up and until our strategies are put at risk, then we’ll rationalize our positions, which only works up to a point.

Guardians rationalize their position with “well, even if religion isn’t true, it’s still better for people to believe it”. The position of course falls down if you take any close look at it.

Bob Altmeyer did great research on “The Authoritarians” and showed us how guardians are fucking freaky scary in their ability to blindly follow orders. He’s afraid of another charismatic like Hitler rousing the 45% or so of guardians to again lead us into doom.

And this snake-oil the guardians try to sell; that everyone except for them is a nihilistic anti-social thug of a parasite who’ll never properly bond or take proper care of the children is just a lie. A lie their genes told them to tell so that they can get married.

In some ways “game” is just explaining to low-sociosexual score predispositioned men the wider reality of how their sexual strategy offering is no longer as appealing and teaching them the ways of other genetic castes. It doesn’t work as well for people with high-disgust though. Because they are naturally predisposed to offer something else other than “game”, and to people who are naturally predisposed to want something else. They can feel like strangers in a strange land.

For people with genes that have co-opted the disgust reflex to give them an emotional and moral sense of purity towards a girls sexual past, they have to swallow a very bitter pill of reality of what actually motivates girls. A bitter red pill. And then learn ways to motivate girls that are not based upon their innate sexual strategy.

The next time you feel like dissing all the “social leeches”, be true to your vision and throw away the bulk of your music collection, and stop partaking of all the leeches vast social contributions.

Our innate wiring predisposes us to be rewarded for certain thought structures. Our personality types and shared characters are people with similar reward structures. For those with an evolved and genetic predisposition to seek out women as chaste as possible and to form lifetime monogamous bonds with them, you will have a wiring that leads you to prefer a low-socio-sexual score. You will tend to prefer commitment along with your sex, and you’ll prefer that and expect it from others.

This is not something I’m arguing against. But what happens is that such predispositions predispose us to paint our mental maps with huge wide brushes and cartoon-pastels. There is no oil painting of blending colors and the pixels are enormous. Because our agenda only allows us to highlight certain patterns.

The problem isn’t that the patterns we see are false; there is some truth to the family man’s sales pitch. It’s that it’s so cartoonishly simplified as to be nearly false. And there is a solipsism instead of a worldy theory of mind for what motivates people. The different personality types are not noticed, or when they are they are seen as the enemy camp and so alien as to not count. For instance the fact that some men prefer a risky fun partner in crime to a secure friend for life can’t fit it with their agenda, and so such men are simply too stupid to count, or are evil, or are otherwise other; easily dismissed as not part of the in-group of True-Scottsmen. Invisible in their mental map and in their words when describing to women what men want. “All (real and important and high value useful) men share my sexual strategy and agenda, and all men want a low N count woman for a mate! Cats!”

Women in real life do perfectly well fucking around for a while before settling down. In real life the family man’s sales pitch is simply snake oil. Only about 45% of men are highly turned off by a high N count, and even among those most will ignore it. In real life it is not the low-sss-predisposed men who dictate the social rules. They are only one portion of the sexual marketplace. One opportunity among many in the sexual marketplace, and no, they are not always the best opportunity. For the woman or for the children. Or for society.

Low-sss-predisposed men are not the secret Peter Parker underwear hero’s they would like to think themselves as, and women are not as deluded as to their real best options as they would like to believe. The REAL sexual marketplace has them as one option among many – sometimes a best option, sometimes not. And the same goes for women of various ss scores.

If that were not the case then evolution would not have selected for the variety we see today. And nice try on the parasite argument. Pffft. Higher SSS people can and do succeed on all measurements and real world outcomes.

Having a realistic mental map of the real sexual marketplace and the real motivations of all the players in it can only help men of all sexual strategies to better compete.

Update: A related old post which discusses why for some of us a low N-count is not a big factor in mate choice.

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

Our brains tell us what to think

Posted by xsplat on February 14, 2014

The narrative that all of us want to believe is that we have this part of ourselves that is in control. We control our thoughts.

Except that we don’t. If you meditate you’ll find that you can’t simply control your thoughts. Don’t imagine a pink elephant right now.

But our experience is that we have some measure of control. If you meditate regularly you’ll set up more refined feedback mechanisms and there will be less of a feeling of thoughts being out of control.

But there is still no locus of control that matches up with our narrative. We have fundamental wiring hardware that not only influences what we think, but often simply tells us what we think.

One of my girlfriends is back in town after being gone for two months. We used to live together for three years, but when my health was good enough and the opportunity arose, I took a 2nd lover. That worked for a while until she barged in on us fucking and started pulling hair. Then things settled down and we had an understanding again, but then her emotions became uncontrollable and she became intensely antagonistic in swings and then left town to get some air. There is a point to me sharing all this. I waited in my original shophouse/apartment for her to return, and when she did I acted as if I really missed her and was still in love with her.

Because it was genuine and true.

On the exterior this would look as if I’m a master manipulator of women, and can perform the most subtle of psychological manipulations to get them exactly where I want them. Push pull in the just the right proportions to get what I want. And it’s true. I am, and it’s frightening.

But on the inside I really feel genuine emotions.

So who is in charge here? Where is the locus of control? I’m not only a master manipulator who has internalized all he has learned such that I run on automatic pilot when “gaming” girls, but I’m past automatic pilot to being an automaton. I genuinely believe and feel exactly what is required of me to believe to fulfil my agenda. My biologically programmed agenda. Of fucking this really hot young woman and keeping her as my personal love slave.

This is how the mind very often works. We have these innate wirings that we casually mistake for our own personal decisions.

There has long been a genetic caste war between novelty seeking cads and sluts versus family oriented providers. It has been documented and studied that certain genes are directly correlated with certain morals. We can’t broadly speak about what morals men have or what men want without considering these castes. Some men for instance have a very strong emotional built in feeling for respect for authority. This is such a strong circuit of wiring in the brain, that they will be unable to harbor thoughts in contradiction to this respect. Logic will be unable to bring them to envision alternate views. The brain is forcing you to be what you are – to think what you do. It’s not a personal choice, as much as it feels like the personal choice to be good and moral and on the right side, that’s not an accurate description of reality. Just as a butterfly will fly to a specific tree in South America, your brain has forced you to have unstoppably strong instincts.

But these are not universal. It’s somewhere near a 50/50 or 60/40 split between guys who don’t have the respect for authority gene and those who do.

And there is also a purity gene or confluence of genes and a moral value of respect for purity. The two moral genetic bases may be related or often coincidental – I’m not sure. The point is that it’s something close to a 50/50 split again. Some guys are more and some guys are less bothered by a woman’s sexual past, and this is hard coded into us, in much the same fashion as the butterfly has hard coded designs on a specific tree in South America.

Esteemed and insightful blogger Laidnyc writes:

Because unrestrained female sexuality incentives the wrong behavior in men and erodes civilization.

Because sluts are low quality and having to hang out with them long enough to fuck them is depressing.

Because men have an instinct to be disgusted by girls who’ve been turned out so as not to get cucked into raising their bastards.

and I commented:
We’re on the same page on many things, however it’s obvious we have a fundamental difference in attitude towards high-sociosexual score girls. There is good scientific reason to believe that our attitude differences are at least partly genetic.

I would ask you to at least include people like me into your theory of mind when you claim to speak for the entire male gender.

I see this no-true-Scottsmen like approach to talking about men all the time. “Real guys in the know aren’t into getting close and intimate with infidelity risk girls.”

Ya, except no. That’s not an accurate description of true-Scottsmen. It’s a description of some Scottsmen.

Some true Scottsmen are able to tame sluts, for as long as they want to, and enjoy it.

And some of those true Scottsmen are a bigger boon to “society” than the purity lovers.

You’ve set up this left vs right dichotomy where by coincidence you happen to be on the good guy team.

Ya, but the demarcations you make are often straw men. There are socially positive high sexual score men and women. There are high sexual score men and women who bond at least as well and often better than the purity lovers.

Your lines vaguely fit up to the real world, but are mostly setup to paint you and your ilk to look good.

It’s not an accurate description of reality. Guys who like novelty can be and often are prosocial and can and often do make good fathers too. And the same for the women.

You know, some guys marry girls who they then go on to wife swap with. Or the woman will occasionally bring a new girl into the mans bed. It happens, and that works for some people.

Once again – I’ll thank you to not speak for my genetic class when speaking for all men.

Update: UCB mentioned the guardian personality type in one of his comments below, and this led me to the wikipedia entry and this. I highly recommend to readers to read the wikipedia entries on the types. I’ll post two of them here below. It would seem that Laidnyc is a guardian type of personality, and I have some strong artisan traits, although I think I tested more as INTJ.

I’m new to this personality typing. I’d suspect there are genetic and epigenetic bases for these types.

We all can get myopic and think that everybody else is like us, or worse yet that everyone that is not like us SHOULD be.

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guardian_temperament

The Guardian temperament is one of four temperaments defined by David Keirsey. Correlating with the SJ (sensing–judging) Myers-Briggs types, the Guardian temperament comprises the following role variants (listed with their corresponding Myers-Briggs types): Inspector (ISTJ), Protector (ISFJ), Provider (ESFJ), and Supervisor (ESTJ).[1]


Guardians are concrete in communicating and cooperative in pursuing their goals. Their greatest strength is logistics. Their most developed intelligence role is either that of the Conservator (Protectors and Providers) or the Administrator (Inspector and Supervisor).

As the security-seeking temperament, Guardians are practical and frugal types. They “share certain core values, among them the belief in a strong work ethic, the need for people and institutions to be responsible, the importance of following the rules and of serving one’s community.”[2] Guardians value experience, and they seek a tangible return on their investments. Believing in common sense, they are not attracted to idle speculation. They are the glue of civilization, maintaining and nurturing institutions that have been established by the dint of hard work. They tend to be conventional and cooperative in their work, wanting to make sure everybody gets what they deserve, no more and no less. They follow the rules and conventions of their cohort or group and expect others to as well.

Interests: In their education and careers, Guardians’ primary interest is business and commerce, with an eye toward practical applications in managing materiel. They are preoccupied with maintaining the morality of their group.[3]

Orientation: Guardians have a strong sense of duty. They forgo the pleasures of the moment to prepare for unseen eventualities. They regard past events with a sense of resignation. They guard against the corruption of outside influences, and look to past experiences to guide their present choices.

Self-image: The Guardians’ self-esteem is based on their dependability; their self-respect on their beneficence; and their self-confidence on their respectability.

Values: Guardians are concerned about the well-being of people and institutions that they hold dear. They trust authority and seek security. They strive for a sense of belonging and want to be appreciated for their contributions. They aspire to become executives, whether by managing their own households or by running a multinational corporation.

Social roles: In romantic relationships, Guardians regard themselves as helpmates, working together with their spouse to establish a secure home. As parents, they focus on raising their children to become productive and law-abiding citizens. In business and social situations, they are stabilizers, establishing procedures and ensuring that the material needs of the group are met.

Guardians often experience stress when rules, expectations, and structure are unclear, or when those around them do not act according to established norms. The extraverted (expressive) types—Providers and Supervisors—may respond by becoming critical of others. The introverted (attentive) types—Protectors and Inspectors—may take on the burden of trying to correct the perceived faults in the system themselves, resulting in overwork and burnout. Guardians also experience stress when the results of their hard work go unnoticed or unappreciated. [4]
Traits in common with other temperaments

Keirsey identified the following traits of the Guardian temperament:[1]

Concrete in communicating (like Artisans)

Guardians focus on facts. They are concerned about practical needs like providing goods and services that help society function smoothly.

Cooperative in pursuing their goals (like Idealists)

Guardians value teamwork. They are committed to preserving established social institutions. Cautious toward change, Guardians work within the system to ensure that all contingencies are considered.

And from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artisan_temperament :

Artisan temperament
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The Artisan temperament is one of four temperaments defined by David Keirsey. Correlating with the SP (sensing–perceiving) Myers-Briggs types, the Artisan temperament comprises the following role variants (listed with their corresponding Myers-Briggs types): Composer (ISFP), Crafter (ISTP), Performer (ESFP), and Promoter (ESTP).[1]


Artisans are concrete in speech and utilitarian in pursuing their goals. Their greatest strength is tactical variation. Their most developed intelligence role is that of either the Operator (Promoters and Crafters) or the Entertainer (Performers and Composers).

As the stimulation-seeking temperament, Artisans prefer to live one day at a time. They may spontaneously pursue activities that offer fun or pleasure. Playful in their interpersonal relationships, Artisans tend to be more permissive as parents than the other temperaments,[1] wanting their children to explore and enjoy the world.

Interests: In education, Artisans want to learn artcrafts and techniques that they can use in their career. They tend to seek work involving operations and equipment,[2] which could range from a scalpel to a fighter jet.

Orientation: Artisans live in the here and now. They want to enjoy the present moment. They tend to be optimistic about the future and cynical about the past, believing that life is a series of risks or random events without any larger pattern or meaning.

Self-image: The Artisans’ self-esteem is rooted in their grace and artistry; their self-respect in their boldness; and their self-confidence in their adaptability.

Values: Artisans enjoy excitement and perform well when in a state of restless energy. “They are excitable as children and they never seem to get less excitable as they grow up.”[2] They seek stimulation and trust their impulses. Prone to spontaneous acts of generosity, they want to make an impact on others. They aspire to virtuosity, taking great pleasure in practicing and mastering their technique in the pursuits that interest them.

Social roles: In romantic relationships, Artisans want a playmate, someone who can share in the pleasure and excitement they seek. As parents, Artisans are liberators, exposing their children to a wide variety of activities, encouraging them to push beyond their limits, and guiding them toward independence and self-sufficiency. In business and social situations, they are negotiators, making the most of the opportunities at hand.

Artisans want teachers who are interesting, active, and playful. They will avoid sedentary forms of learning and uninteresting learning assignments. They will also avoid reading assignments that are not succinct, practical and relevant. Artisans want to demonstrate their learning through actions.

As a defense mechanism, Artisans may respond with denial, insisting that a fact is untrue despite overwhelming evidence.[3] Since Artisans feel a need to make an impact and to be spontaneous, they become stressed when their ability to do these things becomes constrained. Boredom is another source of stress for Artisans. When under stress, they can become reckless, and they may retaliate against the source of the stress. Providing Artisans with options, such as new ways to make an impact and new activities, can relieve the stress.[1]
Traits in common with other temperaments

Keirsey identified the following traits of the Artisan temperament:[1]

Concrete in communication (like Guardians)

Artisans are realistic. They want to experience events in the moment. They enjoy manipulating concrete objects, whether for practical or artistic purposes.

Pragmatic in pursuing their goals (like Rationals)

Artisans take pride in bold and unconventional behavior. They aren’t interested in following a rule if they don’t see how it serves a practical purpose.

Posted in Morality, Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

To find motivation, go all in

Posted by xsplat on January 28, 2014

Motivation is the key to all economic activity. The natural state for people is to be unmotivated, and we must incentivise with carrot and stick to get people to work reliably.

Entrepreneurs constantly come up against their own inertia. Being self motivated is such a challenge that there are entire industries built around motivating the entrepreneur.

Lately I’ve started up half a dozen new businesses, and I find myself greatly energized and pouring in all my energy day in and day out. How do I stay motivated? Because it’ sink or swim.

That’s always the way it’s worked for me. As Canada’s David Wilcox sings: “Well I can get down, and quit foolin around, when the weather gets rough, situation gets tough.”

As a teen I used to study for exams the night before. As an entrepreneur I can put in long bouts of months of concerted effort when my back up is against the wall.

So what I’ve done this time is to put my own back against the wall. I’ve set aside some savings, but am using all of the current monthly income in buying machinery and renovations and materials and new staff and R&D and had plunked down most of my liquid capital float money into pre-paying two years rent on a large 4 story shophouse.

There was a visitor here last week who hailed from the UK. A reader and manosphere participant. It was great to meet him – he is another brother from another mother. We only spent a few hours talking but he was quick witted and informed about anything and everything that came up, and there seemed to be instant sympatico. Despite privacy concerns I gave him a tour of the shophouse, and found myself bubbling over with excitement at every turn, explaining many of the goings on here.

I really am excited. I gave a local Indonesian buddy of mine the tour yesterday, and it was the same. I’m as enthusiastic as a mentos in a bottle of coke.

I don’t want to do anything other than what I’m doing.

I’m sure much of the energy and drive is because I’ve put myself in a sink or swim situation. All my income is pouring into this, monthly expenses are very high, many families and friends and two lovers and many future girls and possibly children and all my grandiose future plans are all relying on success. It’s sink or swim time.

Oh, and it also helps that the new businesses I’m pursuing demand a lot of education from me and are in areas that interest me, and require not only puzzle solving but a good deal of creative input. So that works well with my personality type, which takes pleasure in inventiveness but not so much in maintaining control over details ongoing. I like to start new things, but can get bored of them before they are optimized.

By the way, there is evidence that this is a genetic trait of the high-socio-sexual-score predisposed people. We like to move to new places and try new things and fuck a lot of people and we also tend to be creative and inventive. Just look at the entertainment industry, specifically music lyrics to hear that theme over and over. Far from being the social leeches and thugs that the socially-conservative-dad-strategy-society-wide-lifetime-monogamy-enforcer-Peter-Parker-secret-underwear-hero’s would tell you we are, we instead comprise a disproportionate portion of the cultural creatives and I suspect of the entrepreneurs also. Sir Nemesis of Just 4 Guys did a great long essay about the 7r allele and how it relates to socio-sexual predisposition among other things.

So I’ll leave it here. If you are looking for motivation, consider giving yourself no other option. Raise the background level of anxiety and go all in.

Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments »

A life without oxytocin is a life devoted to losing the game of life

Posted by xsplat on January 24, 2014

It is not flatlant. It is not a democracy. It is not egalitarian. There are winners and losers, there is hierarchy, there is complacency and there is fail. Not everything is equal and not everything is an equally good option.

Being happy is a rare accomplishment. You don’t get it from voting correctly, or having the correct opinions, or having the correct morals, or even having the correct attitude. It is an earned accomplishment that relies on a multitude of accomplishments working in synergy.

I’m one of many fans of Laidnyc’s writing, and am often in agreement with him. Another brother from another mother.

On his latest post about the importance of love I left this comment:

We’re on the same page. It’s as if we are writing the same page.

Yup, a life without oxytocin is a life of fail. Deliberately choosing a life without pair bonding is giving up on life. Yes, that’s saying it strongly, and I’m completely aware how much it pisses people off to hear it. But it’s true. Oxytocin is directly related to meaning – oxytocin is why you feel warm when your child comes across ants on the sidewalk for the first time and looks up at you in wonder and question. Oxytocin is why you wake up and go to sleep warm beside your loved one. Oxytocin gives you reason to be.

A life devoted to dopamine rushes is a life devoted to failing life. Dopamine is great and essential to the good life, but you can’t have a meaningful life that feels rich and warm without oxytocin.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments »


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