Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

How to maintain loving passionate Multiple-LTRs.

Posted by xsplat on June 4, 2014

I’m faithful to all my girls.

I won’t leave one for the other. I fuck them enough, spend enough quality time with them, and take care of their physical and financial needs. They know that as long as we are happy together that they have a future with me. That’s this man’s version of faithful.

I demand faithfulness in return. Females get pregnant and tend more towards emotional serial monogamy, and so female faithfulness means no other cock.

I’m not a playboy. I don’t philander and I don’t pump and dump. I have serious, passionate, interdependent soul and life entwining love relationships with all of my women.

But being able to do so is very similar to being able to be a writer. Or being able to be an entrepreneur. Or from what I’m told it could be similar to being able to be a balet dancer, or a comedian. You don’t do it because you want to do it. You do it because you have no other choice.

In order to get good at something difficult, something has to keep bringing you through the impossibly difficult times. Something has to drive you again and again through tensions and irritations. It has to be worth it.

For most people having more than one love interest would never be realistically worth it. So they would never gain the level of experience that is required to pull it off.

Sure, if an aspiring comedian could push a button and gain the comedy skills of a Steve Martin, he’d push it and enjoy being a comedian. But if he had to actually go through the arduous and uncertain years and decades to gain that skill and fruition? No. Nobody would do that. Nearly nobody would find it worth it.

You have to have no choice.

Writing is like that. You write because you have no other choice. Your brain is simply wired up to give you certain types of rewards for certain behaviours. You like to systematize thoughts and gain a pleasure in some polemic, whereas others prefer light chit chat and comforting ideas such as the belief that size doesn’t matter. People veer towards agreeableness and group-mind-delusion, or towards truth seeking and independence. Writers write alone, and gain a type of pleasure that haters label as “pseudo-intellectual”. The intellectual life is a stimulation that is pleasing, and the writing is mind sport. Invigorating like a well played tennis match.

And so it is with maintaining the passionate love of more than one woman, long term. If your brain is wired to give you the rewards for both love and non-monogamy, you will have a drive that most don’t and this can force you towards a skill that most never think to even contemplate.

I’ve been seeing both of my current girls for about 9 months now, fucking each from one to five times a day, most days. M25 has been with me for 3.6 years, with an early 4 months of that while I lived with another girl, and about 2.5 living together full time. N18 has been my doting bitch since we met 9 months ago. The passion with both of them is screamingly off the charts; peak experiences every day, after day, and a love bubble the rest of the time. I’m rarely alone, and why would I be.

Girls will do absolutely everything in their power to make a man monogamous. And they will never stop. Ever. Non-monogamy with any level of sexual and romantic intensity is unstable. You will get vicious threats. You will see girl fights. Every possible thing a girl can do to regain monogamy she will do. To maintain stability in such a situation a man needs to be more than just psychologically experienced. It helps to have hand in all areas.

Generally we are all specialists. Some men specialize in the one night stand, and don’t offer much emotionally other than thrills. Others are comfort and security and stability experts. I specialize in both areas – dopamine and oxytocin. I can give a woman ongoing high quality sexual heat and top notch sex, and make her feel like she is constantly in the midst of a passionate romance. And I can make her feel like she is part of a family that cares for her that she wants to care for; even if it’s just our family of the two of us, she belongs and we are the tribe. Lately I’m able to offer inclusion into a bigger tribe. And yet still I’m a specialist. My speciality is passion. I know how to quickly develop strong passion with a girl, and I know how to maintain and grow it day by day. Week by month and year after year. This is a very rare skill, and if you say that you want to have this skill, do you?

Do you want to be an entrepreneur?

Do you want to be a writer?

Do you want to be a comedian?

Do you want to be a master guitar player?

Do you want to put in your 10,000 hours?

Unfortunately, I don’t think it is a matter of want.

MUST you put in your 10,000 hours? Do you have no other choice in life?

If you want to grow a compulsion, pay attention to the rewards you feel.

I deliberately focus on feeling the rewards of love. Often. And sex. These rewards are crucial to me, and so I keep the top spinning.

These compulsions are a deliberate choice. Sex, chi-kung, entrepreneurship, raising my value in every possible way, building a joyful and rich community, even thinking and writing – all of these are a deliberate system to raise overall joy and maintain the best possible momentum of this spinning top. I know exactly what I’m doing and why, and I know how. And I’m old enough to have other histories in my life to give context to my current choice-less choice. I’ve fully explored other important compulsions, such as living as a monk, a meditative hermit, in meditation centers, and a family-man yogi. The current compulsions are carefully chosen, and properly cultivated. I know what I’m doing and why, and I know how to do it.

In order to succeed, you need to have no other choice. But you can choose to have no other choice. By deliberately focusing on the rewards. Not the rewards you hope to get, but each reward you do feel as you get it. You can train yourself the way Pavlov trained his dogs, and feel compelled by the rewards.

Learning to generate and feel love in your heart while alone is an excellent way to appreciate and sensitise to the rewards of interpersonal love. You’ll learn a language of feeling that will make the two of you glow among the zombies. Learning to appreciate beauty will allow your eyes to heat up a woman with your lust until her knees get weak. Learning to let go into finely orchestrated screaming ecstasies will sympatheticaly arouse a girls A game.

The rewards are there, and you can learn that you don’t want to ever again be without them. And why would you?

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13 Responses to “How to maintain loving passionate Multiple-LTRs.”

  1. dave said

    Verified by Brian Tracy’s “nature abhors a vacuum” principle and the leap of faith principle.

  2. […] I’m faithful to all my girls. I won’t leave one for the other. I fuck them enough, spend enough quality time with them, and take care of their physical and financial needs.  […]

  3. BaraDunda said

    Thanks for this post.

  4. Renfrew said

    As you know, X, my own mode of operation is considerably in alignment with your own variation of the MLTR mode. And, boy, I couldn’t agree more that the only way to push through the gruelling learning curve is if you simply have no choice…if you’re just built that way.

    At this point — I’m a little younger than you, but not much — I have managed some degree of skill and success, and your piece prompts me to reflect on how I’ve managed it. A few things stand out, and raise a few questions (if you feel like taking the bait, please do):

    1) AUTHENTICITY. I really *am* just built this way — or at least I’m convinced I am beyond any doubt — and my lovers know it, from the very beginning. Because I’m not faking it, and they can see in a thousand different ways that this kind of open love is a genuine expression emanating from the depths of me (and not a cynical ploy to have my cake and eat it too). Because of that, I believe they accept it more easily. Enlightened, not-particularly-promiscuous non-monogamy is my sexual nature, and I’ve stopped apologising for it long since. It does not feel like any more of a choice to me than wanting to suck dicks must be for my gay friends. Not surprisingly, it took me some years to come to grips with this, but once having done so, I have never made the mistake of pledging monogamy to a girl (explicitly or implicitly). In relating to women, my strategy, for the most part, is to exhibit non-monogamy as an inextricable part of me, and where possible, to reframe it for a woman as a positive thing for her — or at least as a non-threat to her.

    X, have you find this also — that the girl’s acceptance that this is how you REALLY are — improves her capacity to tolerate it? Or not?

    2) COMPASSION. Because I know non-monogamy is typically a bargain struck on my terms rather than the woman’s, I acknowledge this in the way I relate to the women I’m involved with (particularly to my main squeeze). I don’t suppose this sounds swaggeringly alpha, but frankly I feel immense gratitude to women for “putting up with” this quirk of mine as the price of being part of my life. Even while I couldn’t dream of sacrificing this freedom, no matter how into a girl I might be, I still don’t take a woman’s toleration of my keeping this freedom for myself for granted, and I use this “tension” to fuel both my feelings for her and her feelings for me (e.g., I let my appreciation for her acceptance of my wandering eye fuel my appreciation and enjoyment of her; simultaneously, I guide her mild jealousy/competition feelings to fuel her devotion to me). From time to time, I also will explicitly praise her for her cheerful tolerance of my philandering, and tell her how much that means to me and how much I value that, and how much more valuable it makes her to me.

    X, do you have explicit conversations with your girls about you non-monogamy/poly-fidelity? I know that at the beginning they didn’t know about each other, in your case, but subsequently have you taken steps to manage the situation through discussions or punishment/reward? Or do you leave them on their own to “just deal with it”?

    3) DISCRETION. After a lot of trial and error, my current operating premise is that a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy is the way to go with respect to my main squeeze. This means, in essence, she knows EXACTLY what I’m like as a man and what I probably get up to, but she doesn’t know any details. And she doesn’t want to know. And she knows better than to ask or to pry, and she’s well trained to keep her paws off my phone, my computer, etc. So far this has proven remarkably stable, and the few times I’ve been “caught” have proved the rule: she’s been far angrier about the fact that I somehow let her find out than she’s about the “infraction” itself (which she accepts anyway is not a violation of any promise I’ve made her). So, at this point, she does not expect monogamy from me, or even wish for it, but she does expect — and very reasonably — that I’ll come home to her absolutely delighted to see her and full of love for her. She trusts my love for her completely, and that (she has concluded) is enough for her.

    What’s your take on this, X? I recall that you’ve voiced a fantasy of living with two girls at the same time (who would obviously know about each other) but can you really imagine that as stable with any but the most extraordinary of women? I would think it would take more than “training” and wise and considerate dominance to engineer such a situation — that the women themselves (and not just the man) would have to had crossed certain thresholds along several developmental lines (a la Wilber).

    4) RECIPROCAL TRUST. You say you have a one-dick only policy and demand fidelity from your girls. I can understand this, but I’m less intense about mate guarding than you. Sure, I like to believe my main girl isn’t stepping out on me. And while she has a) never given me a moment’s jealousy, and b) insists she’s never been with anyone else since we started dating some years ago, how can I know for sure? I travel a lot. As her libido isn’t that high, however, nor is her craving for drama, she has never felt like a high risk to me. The way I figure it, all I can do is keep our relationship as healthy and alive as possible, and stay a devotion-worthy man (e.g., continually be her best option), and that’s…enough.

    I once asked a guy I know (who has a similarly open relationship with a woman he lives with in a Western national capital city) “But how would you feel if she also dated around like you do?” His reply — “Hmmmm. I guess I’d probably just love her less.” — resonated with me. That’s exactly it: it’s not a moral thing for me, and I understand biology and hypergamy etc, and I have zero philosophical entrenchment with monogamy as “the one true path” for human romantic realisation. So, if she messes around, I won’t hate her, I won’t blame her, and I won’t (necessarily, depending) think she’s a slut…but I definitely might love her less — and she knows this instinctively, of course, as the sane, intelligent and feminine woman she is. Therefore, she won’t risk that outcome unless she’s quite unhappy with me (i.e., my value to her drops). My rationale also leverages my grasp of her sexual psychology: as long as she’s happy in the relationship and feels something of a sacred bond with me, the cost to her own self-esteem from cheating would be higher than any benefits she might get from doing so. Put differently, if I am perpetually worthy of her devotion, then it is important to *her* womanly identity that she remain perpetually devoted to me. Put differently again, she WANTS to be my woman, savours that role, and is heavily invested in it herself; thus she is not remaining faithful to me out of obligation (or even fear), but primarily out her own self-interest psychologically.

    Your context and situation — and women — are different than mine, X, and if I were in your shoes I might take a less laissez faire approach than I do. But given my context — which is quite Western, for lack of a better characterisation — would you surmise that I am being reasonable in my approach, or am I outsmarting myself and playing with fire?

    Finally, a poetic coda to the above thoughts, from “The Red Queen” by Matt Ridley, in which he quotes a FEMALE zoologist who states: “What woman would not rather be John Kennedy’s third wife than Bozo the Clown’s first?”

    • xsplat said

      Happy to get your comment. It’s late and I’ll reply more later, but my first quick thought is that both my women are also fidelity risks. I also don’t really know. And I also would prefer not to, when it comes down to it.

      I do my best to mate guard, and it’s a constant challenge. I don’t expect perfect success, I just aim for as close to the fidelity mark as I can.

      It’s not unicorns dancing on rainbows here – there will always remain real reasons why people generally don’t bother with loving more than one. The difficulties and cons never stop. I find I’m better at both managing them and being less troubled by them. But we always shit, and there is always shit to deal with. It’s a challenge every day, i all ways. I find it very worth it though.

  5. Jim Jones said

    X, do your two girls know about each other? I’ve juggled multiple long term relationships. I like the intesity of being with more than one girls that is special, but it can get tiring.

    • xsplat said

      Yes, they know. Sometimes things get quite volatile, and yes, that can be tiring. I seem to have developed an unusual tolerance for drama, as well as some skill in dealing with it while coming out on top.

      At this point I seem to have lost M. It’s still a bit up in the air though.

      Dating two romantically is an unstable situation, certainly. Risk reward. The risks are serious.

  6. I really like this post, X. I’ve been back to it a few times to try and add my commentary, but what more needs to be said.

  7. […] unplugged and are giving detailed advice on how to follow in their footsteps. Sometimes their material is downright […]

  8. Jim Jones said

    What does sponsorship cost in Indonesia where you live? I’ve heard it cost $1000 a month to maintain a good looking girl in Thailand now. I look at it like marriage but not being married.

    • xsplat said

      The sexual bargain is haggled out individually. In my late thirties in Thailand I only paid for dinner and drinks. Now if I have a life in I also give a very small monthly allowance, on top of paying all expenses such as clothing.

      An allowance is often an expectation, and a girl likes to brag about how much she is worth. I thought badly of the whole process and refused it for the longest time.

      But every sexual bargain is that – girls make their subconscious calculations.

      You know how they say that if you have oneitis you need to find and fuck 20 other girls? Because if we perceive options, our emotions will follow suit and we won’t be so bonded.

      That is what emotions are for and what they do. The are the felt outputs of subconcious calculations.

      If you are in important ways a girls best option, you’ll receive emotional outputs for that.

      The bonding emotions are different than the one night stand one – however those most skilled with LTRs should be able to mix up both and have high intensity kinky fun as well as lots of hugely addictive oxytocin and warm bonding.

      So the salary depends on how valuable you are in other areas, as well as what you can afford. I paid less than $200/month to my M when living together. I pay various expenses for N18 now, including her apartment and anything else she needs.

      I think people vastly over estimate the long term staying powers of what it is the young bring to the sexual bargain.

      Strategically we must plan. And planning is for the future. And in all our futures we are old.

      Old men need more money for their sexual bargains.

      More money means more sexual bargaining power – and that translates to more testosterone, higher libido, more confidence, more options, and on and on. Money is a big part of a mans sexual currency in his old age.

      I know younger guys will not only be unable to hear this, but will scoff. Scoff away. We all get old. Better to be old and rich. And well connected and powerful.

      That’s a HUGE component of long term game.

      And that’s what life is. A long term game.

  9. […] | How to maintain loving passionate Multiple-LTRs. | xsplat.com […]

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