Random Xpat Rantings

Contemplative dominance for the modern man

UCB’s insights into girl-speak and intimacy avoidance

Posted by xsplat on April 9, 2014

I was waiting for a reader to chime in with better advice than I was giving to the reader who has been stymied by girls afraid of intimacy with him, and UCB delivered:

Interesting parallel here: A few years ago I was going through almost the exact same thing… I stumbled upon X’s blog, and he became the first anonymous blogger I’ve ever written to with a question.

My experience mirrors Xsplat’s, but I wanted to add some other things for consideration:

One of the most important things you can take away from what X has written here is that you can’t necessarily trust what girls say. These girls are trying to articulate a certain emotion. This is something we all struggle with; even when we’ve experienced those emotions many times before. It’s exceedingly difficult to do when we’re experiencing something that’s new and uncomfortable to us, and what’s worse, it may be impossible for us to dig deep enough to root out the source of that emotion.

So you have to look at what these women are doing: and what they are doing is RESISTING you. Regardless of what they say, this is the only thing that matters. You have to figure out what’s causing that resistance and how to get around it.

Some possibilities:

- It could be that you are simply better than the girls you’re attempting to seduce. They may see you as being “out of their league” and afraid that they won’t be able to keep you around. The easiest ways of combatting this are disqualification (downplaying your positive qualities while elevating hers) and future-projecting (relating to her on qualities you find interesting in her and making future plans based around those qualities)

- It sounds like you could be leaning too far in emotionally before you’ve given a chance for the physical side of the relationship to catch up. You gotta remember that ‘girls just wanna have fun.” Girls don’t generally like being hooked too hard emotionally. They’re afraid of exposing parts of themselves they may not necessarily want exposed and/or losing control of the pace of the relationship. You can get away with this kind of stuff once you’re in a relationship, since that’s the way things are supposed to work according to the traditional relationship model. But many girls feel out of place being too emotionally invested in a guy they’re not having sex with. Tone down the serious emotional vibe and turn up the fun sexy vibe.

- You also have to ask yourself if there is some part of the relationship that YOU are resisting. For example, if you just want sex without the emotional connection or vice versa, girls will pick up on that. If you’re holding back emotionally in some way because of something you’re afraid of exposing to girls, they will pick up on it. Most of the more esoteric activities that seduction “gurus” prescribe (meditation, yoga, journaling, heavy lifting, etc.) are largely about identifying and overcoming this internal resistance.

- Finally, if you’re still in any way involved in the “seduction community” now would be a great time to get out. If you’re consistently getting these types of reactions from the women you interact with, you’re well past the point where 99% of what’s out there would be in any way helpful to you, and a good bit of it would be counter-productive. You’re approaching a sort of no-man’s land where you have to start trusting your intuition more and trying to figure out how to move things forward more quickly on your own. Trusting too heavily in PUA tactics and techniques actually takes you out of the present moment with these girls and creates more of the type of resistance you’re trying to avoid.

UCB brought up what sounds like “beware of habits that take you out of the flow moment”.

Writing also can be a flow moment for some, and I think that’s why for some people writing is not a choice, but a compulsion. Flow moments are puppy treats for the brain – they are rewards for doing it right, and we go back for more.

For me sex is always a flow moment. Music often. Dance often.

On the great BBC documentary “Child of our Times” they experiment with kids to see how many can easily get into flow moments in a set up involving music, and I think it was only something like 1 out of 7. So when I mention that a rant with a certain tone would not be written without that tone, it must be that most people will not share the experience of the flow moment of writing carrying it’s own way. Writing might be similar to letting out a musical piece. You improvise and work with it, but you are in it and FEELING it. You can’t take out the feeling and still be in it. The composition would simply stop. And the emotions in a written rant are there for a reason – some people are harming my impressionable brethren with horrible, sick twisted and evil advice. Emotion is the appropriate response. Emotion IS the response! We are socially conscious and involved people – it is not a flatland of “it’s all good live and let live”. We care about each other, and I care, and damn right emotion is part of the message and compels and drives and is co-created with the message.

Being with girls for me is often an endless stream of flow moments. And UCB is saying that this flow can be disrupted by getting out of the feeling, if I’m hearing him correctly.

I’d agree and would add further notes of caution. Many individuals and groups advocate what seems to me to be to completely lose touch with feelings altogether, and to “pump and dump the bitches”. Which would not lead to any flow moments that I prefer.

You can’t win at life without oxytocin and vagal tone. Buddhism is hugely about discovering and awakening the “precious heart of bodhicitta”, or increasing vagal tone and feeling that delicious well of wellbeing and sweet warmth in the heart. Interacting with women can be a great and practical catalyst to keeping that love in the heart happening and active, and life feeling like it is being well lived. It’s one reason people buy puppies. To increase the love. Because life without love is fail.

From Wikipedia:

Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does. Proposed by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, this positive psychology concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields.[1]

According to Csikszentmihalyi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-minded immersion and represents perhaps the ultimate experience in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning.

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8 Responses to “UCB’s insights into girl-speak and intimacy avoidance”

  1. UCB said

    You are heearing me correctly, and thanks for the shout-out.

    Talk about state. I kept thinking and writing about state and presence and riffed off another 2,500 words on it in short order. Trying to edit it down to make it something more useful. May post something else here in a bit.

  2. ” It could be that you are simply better than the girls you’re attempting to seduce. They may see you as being “out of their league” and afraid that they won’t be able to keep you around.”

    Perhaps. I’m not rich or famous, but I do have ambitions etc. As for my character, I am highly unusual, and that isn’t some sort of fanciful assessment based in insecurity; it’s objective fact.
    I’m not claiming to be perfect or even that I’m that much better than others; while I do have some truly major strengths, I do have some truly major weaknesses as well.
    No, my very personality is unusual, and my traits, abilities and talents are combined in unusual ways. Combine that with high intelligence, unusual experiences, and the overcoming of a host of difficult problems, and you a very peculiar perspective on things.

    The point is, I’m extremely noticeable. When I attend social dances, 90% of the girls I dance with remember my name months later. It’s a bit of a problem actually, because I’m quite bad at remembering names correctly, and this has led to a lot of awkward moments 0:)

    “Tone down the serious emotional vibe and turn up the fun sexy vibe.”

    Check.

    “You also have to ask yourself if there is some part of the relationship that YOU are resisting. For example, if you just want sex without the emotional connection or vice versa, girls will pick up on that. If you’re holding back emotionally in some way because of something you’re afraid of exposing to girls, they will pick up on it.”

    I think you’re on to something here. I will put some thought into this.

    “Finally, if you’re still in any way involved in the “seduction community” now would be a great time to get out. If you’re consistently getting these types of reactions from the women you interact with, you’re well past the point where 99% of what’s out there would be in any way helpful to you, and a good bit of it would be counter-productive. You’re approaching a sort of no-man’s land where you have to start trusting your intuition more and trying to figure out how to move things forward more quickly on your own. Trusting too heavily in PUA tactics and techniques actually takes you out of the present moment with these girls and creates more of the type of resistance you’re trying to avoid.”

    I’m not involved in the seduction community, and trusting my intuition is something I’ve been working really hard on. I tend to think too much.

  3. […] I was waiting for a reader to chime in with better advice than I was giving to the reader who has been stymied by girls afraid of intimacy with him, and UCB delivered: Interesting parallel here: A few years ago I was going through almost the exact…  […]

  4. Sultahn said

    It would be great to read your writings all in one place, UCB. You seem to always post helpful perspectives. Plus it’s a pain to track your comments on both GLL, Yousowould and other random spheres on the internet.

  5. A Second Look at the Landscape said

    For SEO purposes, here is me linking back to my own site (for Google) (not xsplat’s, but others) on another man’s blog: “Did you read this post that I wrote?” Here it is, again. I try my very best to run all over the manosphere posting “legitimate” comments that contain posts back to my site, even on mediocre blogs… you feel me… Google?

    What fucking knobs… How do you guys tolerate my blatant antics? Why? Because you’re suckers. Thanks for letting me play you like a bunch of fucking little girls… driving traffic to MY site without any mojo back to yours. I love you all—the greatest marketing machines ever written!

    Xsplat, you ever get a mention? Even so much as a tawdry mention? Hey, MattForney; hey, KrauserPUA, hey laidnyc, hey ROK; you guys ever get a mention? A commission? Didn’t think so. Damn, seems pretty one-sided to me.

    Hey, did you ever read this blog post on MY site… Google?

    Suckers.

    Would a Real friend ever treat you this way… imagine that!

    But thanks for promoting my eBook! Yay! Thank you, suckas!

  6. Dacap said

    Hey, I have a problem with this.

    I’m an early twenties white guy, I have lived in Asia for several years, and slept with a few dozen girls (easily done in these circumstances).

    I relate to what you are writing about flow during sex. However, out of all those girls, I only really experienced it with about 3 “magic girls”, to whom I felt extreme attraction, oxytocin highs, etc. All 3 were very attractive (easily top 1% of girls here when ranking by western standards). All 3 led to long intense mutually passionate relationships – largely in part due to the huge positive effect their presence would have on me whenever we met (ie they all found me to be a happy, hyper-confident, sex-crazed, lover type, which really I’m not most of the time).

    My problem is that I now have no interest in girls who lack that “magic girl” potential – they just annoy me and talking to them feels like a chore (I know this is mean), and I have no desire to fuck for the sake of a “notch”. Unfortunately the “magic girls” are really scarce. My T levels are high normal (for my young age). It’s just that my sex drive only hits “overdrive” with a select few… the girls I am after are very desired and it’s only with strong numbers game/effort that I’m able to score these “magic girls”. However once I find one I’ll happily fuck them hundreds of times, and feel “flow” in their company all the time.

    What really interests me is that it seems a very high % of the girls you meet/fuck are “magic girls” for you which I find enviable. Was it always like this for you? Do you believe you do anything which encourages or enhances this effect? Or would you say that you just have very high affect wrt to women (so which you feel strongly for many girls, you also have “magic girls” who make you feel amazingly strong feelings?)

    • xsplat said

      I completely empathise with what you are saying. I also vary widely in my response to women, and the best stand out so far above the others as to be in another realm.

      I only date girls for whom I have some level of chemistry. If that is lacking then I feel the lack, and it gets to me.

      For the first year of being with M our sexual chemistry was modest at best. Now however it is very good. Her fires took years to catch – like a smouldering subterranean coal seam. But now our passion is enviable. What kept my interest strong enough in her all this time was in large part just how much her body turned me on. She’s got a bangin body.

      So what I do is allow myself to be turned on and connect with a girl in whatever way works. I don’t shut down just because the girl is vapid and irritating. I don’t shut down just because she is clueless about giving head. Whatever thin thread of connection we have, I work with and weave and spin into a fabric of connection.

      You could say that hedonism is an art form. The appreciation of beauty itself is a meditation. People undervalue it – in fact many go so far as to discount it – and therefore never get good at it.

      Appreciating beauty and sensual pleasure is the means to connect with someone, and to take a small fire and grow it over time into a passionate and beautiful sustainable furnace of joy.

      And although I can connect with a girl who is only a 6, I’m like the fat kid who will only date 10s. I prefer to aim way out of my league, in terms of physical attraction. And so far that has often meant compromising in other areas, such as brains. That is one big reason I’m working on these enterprises and growing my business-family-social connections; to gain credible access to the smart hotties.

      Shooting way out of my league is what I want too. It’s a BIG difference, I completely agree.

  7. Bingity Bong said

    The woman feeds off the depth of your emotion and, though she is of course physically present, it is as though you hit a kill switch on her neo-cortex. She isn’t psychologically present, because her rational, logical thinking brain has completely been overridden. Think of a computer crashing. When the emotional pitch is high and nerve impulse are charged, a woman can psychologically disappear. At such moments, I imagine they are picking leafs off a lotus, while seated under the Bodhi Tree. Nirvana.
    When you speak with women, oftentimes they are trying to assess you. If you know how to deep dive, it feels as intimate to a woman as quality sex; as when she learns something about her self sexually, while in your presence. You can be a catalyst to her growth, or you can do what they do in the PUA community: Fuck them and dump them; before they sober up and realize that you are a complete fraud, fake and phony; take a shower, and repeat. I like what SRP had to say. If you are a genuinely unique person, if you are in touch with your true self, chances run pretty high that you will not resort to calculated props, such as pink boas, ten gallon top hats, fuzzy eye brows and such, in order to try to attract women’s attention. I don’t know, but my guess is that the woman who goes home with a guy like that should not be surprised if he pulls a penis extender out of a drawer. That is what she should be expecting. Same is true when guys are basically all but shouting that they are the prize. Right. Jack in the Box.

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